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1
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:37,320
All right, Pusface.
What's going on?
2
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,560
Um, hey, Dad.
3
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:44,240
Yes.
4
00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:46,640
And, the reason you're
dressed as an astronaut?
5
00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:47,960
What? You mean this coat?
6
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:50,280
Which you're wearing
on your next mission to Jupiter?
7
00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:51,560
Clever.
8
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:53,640
Dad, why are you looking
at a tree?
9
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,720
What?
Why are you looking at a tree?
10
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,280
I'm not looking at a tree,
I'm looking at a bag.
11
00:00:58,280 --> 00:00:59,440
Huh?
12
00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:01,240
See that plastic bag up there?
13
00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,000
Dad wants to get it down.
14
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,160
Really? Why?
15
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:06,200
Cos it's an eyesore.
And cos he's an idiot.
16
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,560
But it's not even our tree.
17
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:09,240
It's not even outside our house.
18
00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,000
What I said.
That's not the point.
19
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,240
It's in our sodding road...
20
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,080
BOTH: And you can see it for miles.
21
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:15,240
Miles?
22
00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:16,640
BOTH: Yes, miles!
23
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:17,840
Stupid runt.
24
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,360
Hi, boys.
25
00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:20,360
Hi, Mum.
26
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,840
Martin,
please leave the tree alone now.
27
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,960
It's not the tree, Jackie,
it's the bag.
28
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:29,040
Yes, all right, the bag.
29
00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:31,240
Just come in, will you?
What are you wearing?
30
00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,080
Pillock's clothes.
Nice.
31
00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:34,480
Jonny's just joined NASA, so...
32
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:35,440
Pusface.
33
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:37,800
Well, are you coming or what?
34
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:39,000
Stick.
35
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,360
The stick, again?
36
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:41,600
It doesn't even reach.
37
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:43,200
Urgh!
38
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:45,200
Ready for this?
39
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:53,160
Yes, well, when you've grown another
ten metres, Martin, do let us know.
40
00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:54,240
Come on, boys.
41
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:55,560
Bleeding thing.
42
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:58,960
He's obsessed with that grotty bag.
43
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,200
Is he really?
44
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:02,840
Don't worry, Jonny will get it down.
Will I?
45
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:05,080
Your coat doubles as a jetpack,
doesn't it?
46
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:06,560
Ha funny ha.
47
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:07,920
What is it even made of?
48
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:09,040
Mum!
49
00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:12,960
It looks like the stuff
I wrap the chicken in
before I bung it in the oven. Mum!
50
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,600
Martin?!
51
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:15,800
Ah.
52
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:18,720
Oh, maybe he can go
and live in that tree.
53
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:20,200
Ooh, Mum.
54
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,240
Hmmm?
55
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:22,920
Guess what I've got.
56
00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:24,040
What is it?
57
00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:25,760
Oh, yeah, I saw it.
58
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,040
You saw it?
59
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:27,760
What is it?
60
00:02:27,760 --> 00:02:29,800
You never told me you saw it.
61
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,200
What is it, you dick?
62
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,480
It's an interview thing
I did for the local magazine.
63
00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:34,560
Interview thing?
64
00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:36,040
About his music.
65
00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:37,840
Did you like it?
66
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,640
Why would anyone interview Pusface
about his awful, awful music?
67
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:42,080
Thank you.
68
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,200
Oh, my God, it's Pusface!
69
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:45,040
Mum, look at Pusface!
70
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,880
Yeah, I've seen Pusface, thank you.
71
00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,960
Um, what's wrong?
72
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:50,200
Nothing's wrong.
73
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:51,160
Something's wrong.
74
00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:53,560
Oh, this is gold!
75
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:56,120
"Local lad and composer,
Adam Goodman..."
76
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,200
Composer? You mean,
crap jingle writer.
77
00:02:58,200 --> 00:02:58,880
Thank you, again.
78
00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:01,280
"..has been sprinkling
his musical magic..."
79
00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:01,960
What?
80
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:05,600
"..on some of the country's
best-known radio commercials
for the past ten years."
81
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,600
Ah, yes, like "Lax-a-Leave
for healthy bowels."
82
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:09,960
Jonny.
83
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:11,360
I thought you'd be excited.
84
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:12,480
I am excited.
85
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,400
You don't seem excited. Don't I?
86
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,320
Pissing stick doesn't reach.
87
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,800
Martin! You nearly gave me
a heart attack.
88
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:19,960
Ooh, only nearly?
89
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,200
Right.
90
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,880
Oh, Jackie!
91
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,640
Mum! Bye-bye, stick.
92
00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:27,160
Here's a good one -
"How do you relax?"
93
00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:28,320
Yes, OK.
94
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:29,920
And Pusface says, "Headphones on,
95
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:30,840
"chilled-out tracks,
96
00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:32,440
"and just vibe."
97
00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:33,640
Just give it!
98
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,240
Dad, have you seen this?
99
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,160
What? Oh, yeah.
100
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:37,880
His mother's seen it too.
101
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:39,680
Sorry?
102
00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:41,040
Oh, for Christ's sake.
103
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:42,440
What the hell's wrong?!
104
00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:49,280
"What is your earliest
musical memory?"
105
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:51,640
Um...
106
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:52,520
Yes?
107
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:55,080
"Going to see Oliver The Musical
108
00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:57,640
"with my Auntie Val when I was six."
109
00:03:58,840 --> 00:03:59,720
And?
110
00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:02,400
I took you to see Cats
111
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,720
when you were five!
112
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:08,320
Oh, my God!
113
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,080
Please say you're not being serious.
114
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,000
No mention of your mother anywhere.
115
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,920
You are being serious.
I can't believe it.
116
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,440
You mention your father. Oh, yes.
"My dad's so funny."
117
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:18,680
Incredible.
You mention your brother.
118
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:21,200
"My brother's hilarious."
He really is.
119
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:22,840
You mention... Auntie Val?
120
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:24,680
Oh, yes, you even mention
Auntie Val,
121
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:27,120
but you can't mention
your own mother.
122
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,480
And this is happening in real life,
is it?
123
00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:32,240
How could you not mention
your own mother
124
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,000
in a professional magazine
interview?
125
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,360
Uh! Dad, can you believe this?!
126
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,720
Well, maybe you could have said
something nice about your mum,
127
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:40,560
even if it was a lie.
128
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,520
Er, I heard that, thank you.
129
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:43,480
Right!
130
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,200
I'm so sorry I didn't talk
all about you in my interview,
131
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,080
but strangely enough it wasn't
about "Adam Goodman's mother".
132
00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:52,640
Well, you could have said something,
anything.
133
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,320
Oh, yeah? Like what?
134
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:56,280
Like, OK...
135
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:57,680
"I love my mother."
136
00:04:57,680 --> 00:04:59,120
I love my mother?
137
00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,800
Yes, "I love my mother."
What's so funny about that?
138
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,800
Don't you love your mother?
Oh, just shut up!
139
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:05,200
Well, say it then.
140
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:08,600
What? Now? Well, if you're not going
to say it in your interview,
why can't you say it now?
141
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,280
Er, because this is insanity.
142
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:11,360
Insanity?
143
00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:12,840
Er, Mum? What, Jonny?
144
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:13,880
I love you.
145
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,560
See, your brother can say
"I love you."
146
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,680
Your father can say, "I love you."
147
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,360
Hmmm? Martin, can you say
"I love you" please? Oh, I love you.
148
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:22,800
See?
149
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,640
But not as much as I love
this yucky stuff.
150
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,520
Right, clearly
I mean that much to you.
151
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:30,280
Yes, clearly.
152
00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:32,840
Can you believe him, Mum?
Shut up!
153
00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:34,840
Well, if that's how you feel,
I don't know why
154
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:38,840
you bothered to come here tonight.
You know what? Neither do I!
155
00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:39,880
Unbelievable!
156
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,240
Good!
157
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,320
Uh... Mmm!
158
00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,160
I didn't know Adam liked prawns.
159
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,000
Unbelievable...
160
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,560
Unbelievable!
161
00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:56,440
Ugh!
162
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,200
Just vibing, are you? Ha, funny, ha.
163
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:00,320
JONNY LAUGHS
164
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:03,280
What do you want? Nothing.
165
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:06,960
Just came to say I love you.
Very good.
166
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,400
Getting ready for lift-off?
Also very good.
167
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,640
I mean, I literally have no memory
of Cats.
168
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:14,520
Look, why don't you just go back in,
tell Mum you love her
169
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:17,720
and be done with it? No way!
Why can't she just be happy for me?
170
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,800
When's she ever been
in a bloody magazine?
171
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,720
Ah, yes, the bloody magazine.
172
00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:24,480
"From where do you
get your inspiration?"
173
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:26,040
Fantastic, it's online.
174
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:28,880
"Anything can inspire me,
from the smell of rain on tarmac..."
175
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:31,000
What? So, you sniff puddles?
Jonny...
176
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,880
"..to watching the children
playing outside my bedroom window."
177
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,160
That does not sound great.
Pissface!
178
00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:40,280
Hello, boys.
Ugh, what does he want?
179
00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:44,400
You all right, Jim? Yes, fine, fine.
180
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,360
DOG WHINES
181
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:48,320
Um... Can we help you?
182
00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,920
What? Oh, yes.
183
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:50,960
Come on, Milson.
184
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:53,200
Hmmm!
185
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,160
Good girl, Milson.
186
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,320
Great. Car ruined.
187
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:03,480
Is-Is your mother in?
188
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:05,440
What? In the car? Yes.
189
00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:09,560
Um, she's not in the car
at the moment, Jim.
190
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,200
She's actually in the house.
191
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:14,040
Oh, of course, yes, in the house.
192
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,400
Well, don't worry,
I can ask her later.
193
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:17,480
You do that.
194
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,000
So...?
195
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,440
Where are we going again?
196
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,040
I'm sorry?
197
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:28,800
I've forgotten where we're
supposed to be going.
198
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:30,480
We're not going anywhere, Jim.
Aren't we?
199
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,840
Then why are we in the car?
200
00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:34,520
Get out immediately? Yep.
201
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,720
Um, are you getting out, Jim, or...?
202
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,040
Yes, soon.
203
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,160
Soon? Soon.
204
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,640
Fabulous.
205
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:49,800
Come on, then.
206
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:52,960
Good boy, just say "I love you"
and... I'm not saying that!
207
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,160
JONNY CHUCKLES
208
00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:56,840
Hi, Bobble.
209
00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,720
Hi.
210
00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:00,840
Um, I just want to say...
211
00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:02,960
Oh, Jonny, please take that
bloody space-suit off.
212
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,040
Ugh!
213
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:07,640
I'm sorry about before, Adam.
I went a bit mad.
214
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:08,480
A bit mad?
215
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,120
It's a lovely interview, really.
216
00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:13,200
Can we be friends?
217
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,040
And you're not going to
make me say... Of course not.
218
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:19,760
And anyway, I don't need you to say
"I love you"
219
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,400
because I know you love me.
220
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:25,400
I know you love your mother.
221
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,120
Your mum.
222
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:31,640
Your mummy.
223
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,400
I'm not saying it! Bloody hell.
224
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,800
Right...
225
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,480
Martin, it's dinner now.
226
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,280
Just leave the sodding bag!
227
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:42,680
Jackie, that sodding bag is about
to become sodding history
228
00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:45,200
thanks to this beauty. What,
the ladder that falls apart
229
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,240
the second you open it?
230
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:50,280
Shit. Half a second, actually.
231
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:51,640
Inside.
232
00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:53,320
Hello, Jackie.
233
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:54,760
Hi, Jim.
234
00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:56,240
Everything OK?
235
00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:59,880
Yes, Jackie. Um, I just wanted to
ask you a question.
236
00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:02,920
Yes? Did you know that there's...
237
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,520
..there's a bag in that tree?
238
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,640
There's got to be some way
of getting that bugger down.
239
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,640
Martin, please come away
from that window
240
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,480
or do you want me to put
your face through it?
241
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:17,240
God knows how it ended up there.
242
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:20,200
Right, I'm going to
cut my head off in the kitchen.
243
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,520
Yeah, it's a real mystery.
244
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:25,240
Yes, how did a plastic bag
end up in a tree? Ooh.
245
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,600
I don't know. Maybe the wind?
246
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,440
Perhaps a bird took it up there.
247
00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:32,600
Or the wind? Like a gull or
something. Or just the wind?
248
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:35,520
Could have been children, you know,
mucking about. Kids.
249
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:37,240
Mum, Dad doesn't know what wind is.
250
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,720
Really? He should do,
he lets off enough of the stuff.
251
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:40,520
SHE CACKLES
252
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:41,320
Ugh, Mum!
253
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:44,920
If I could just get up there
somehow. Table, please.
254
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,640
Ooh, that's an idea.
255
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:48,560
Table!
256
00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:52,680
Jackie, I suddenly need to go to
the...toilet.
257
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:55,120
Well, that's not suspicious. You
suddenly need to go to the toilet
258
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,440
or you suddenly need to go outside
to play with your stupid bag?
259
00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:00,000
Um, toilet. For my...wees.
260
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,440
Bag! Absolutely bag.
261
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:02,600
Just sit.
262
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:03,760
MARTIN SIGHS
263
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:05,600
Ooh, I nearly forgot -
264
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,680
to Adam, for his amazing interview.
265
00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:10,360
Aww, thanks, Mum. Yes.
266
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:13,760
It was amazing, wasn't it?
"What's your favourite smell?"
267
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,200
Yes, OK.
268
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,080
Answer - "My girlfriend's hair."
269
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:19,240
And does your girlfriend KNOW
you're a murderer?
270
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:21,800
And does your girlfriend KNOW
you're a dickhead? Boys.
271
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,080
Oh, don't know, let's find out.
272
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:26,960
Jackie, my wees! Martin, shut up.
273
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,200
Jonny, put your phone away will you,
please?
274
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,280
Hey, Luce. Jonny!
275
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:35,680
Yeah, all good, yeah. Just phoned to
say I love you, that's all.
276
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:38,720
See ya, babe. You shit.
JONNY CACKLES
277
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:42,120
So, do you remember
when I took you to see Cats then?
278
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,600
What? Oh, um, not really.
279
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,280
What do you mean, "Not really"?
It was Cats!
280
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,280
Yeah, Adam, it was Cats. Please.
281
00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:51,960
What was Cats about again? Horses.
282
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,200
How can you not remember?
283
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:55,480
Uh, cos I was six.
284
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,120
Uh, no, Adam, you were five.
285
00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,000
All right, five! Yeah, cos you were
six when you saw Oliver
286
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,320
with Auntie Val, which you do
remember... Pissface.
287
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,520
..but five when you saw Cats
with Mum, which you don't remember.
288
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:06,200
Exactly.
289
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,640
Urgh!
290
00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,160
You shit. I thank you.
291
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,080
I need wees. I'm doing wees.
292
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,160
I can't believe you remember seeing
a show with Auntie Val,
293
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:16,680
but not one with your own mother.
294
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:19,160
Well, that was because I love
Auntie Val and I don't love you.
295
00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:21,080
Happy now? Horrible.
296
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:22,440
So horrible!
297
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,400
You're not jealous of Auntie Val,
are you? What?
298
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:27,000
Course I'm not jealous of
Auntie Val.
299
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,920
Yes, you are. Rubbish!
300
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,080
Why would I be jealous of
Auntie Val?
301
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,080
You know, it's just three words.
302
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,080
Three little words.
303
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,560
I told you, I'm not saying it.
Saying what? I love...
304
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:43,600
HE GROANS
305
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:44,680
Very clever.
306
00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:46,160
PHONE RINGS
307
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:49,040
And yes, well done, that's Lucy now,
calling you back to say,
308
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:52,120
"I love you." Very good. You win.
It's not Lucy, it's Dad.
309
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,200
Dad? Dad?
310
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:55,480
You what?
311
00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:56,920
What?
312
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,000
He wasn't doing wees.
313
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:04,280
MARTIN GROANS
314
00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:07,840
Well, well, congratulations, Martin.
315
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:09,720
Ow, my bleeding back!
316
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:13,440
Let me guess, you tried to make
a ladder by putting one dustbin
317
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:16,760
on top of another dustbin,
then climbed up the dustbins
318
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:18,640
and fell off the dustbins?
319
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,160
Oh, shut up!
320
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:21,640
And here's your dinner.
321
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,480
J... Oh, Jackie!
322
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,800
And just so you know, I do not want
another word out of you
323
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:27,600
about that bloody bag,
do you hear me?
324
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,960
Yeah, uh, I think so, but I think
there might be some...
325
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,720
..pie in my ear?
326
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:33,400
Ugh. Come on, boys.
327
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:34,600
CAR HORN HONKS
328
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:39,040
Oh, look, it's Auntie Val.
329
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:41,600
Woohoo, fame at last!
330
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,800
Auntie Val's a celebrity. Auntie!
331
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:48,000
Aww, my little Adam! Aww.
332
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,240
You remembered Oliver.
333
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:54,680
Of course I remembered Oliver.
334
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:57,200
Oh, God, what's happened to Martin?
335
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,600
Pie is in my ear. Huh?
336
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:00,760
Ignore him, Val.
337
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,160
Come inside.
338
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:06,800
Well, good work, Dad.
Yes, sheer perfection.
339
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,000
Gits.
340
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,800
THEY LAUGH
341
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,480
Ooh, look. What?
342
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:14,160
There's a plastic bag in that tree.
JACKIE SIGHS
343
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,240
Ah, my bloody back.
344
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:23,720
God, I wish I didn't have a body.
345
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,520
Er, I'm sure it can be arranged.
346
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:26,760
I can arrange it.
347
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,200
Argh.
348
00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:29,800
So sorry.
349
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,040
Yes, so sorry.
350
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:32,880
Right! Wine.
351
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,400
See you, then. Die well.
Wait, you prannies.
352
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,600
Now, listen.
353
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:41,040
In my shed is a rake.
354
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,880
If you attached
the rake to the broom,
355
00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,680
then that should be
long enough to...
356
00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:47,000
Repeatedly whack
you in the face with it? Idiot.
357
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,040
No, we can fashion a device,
get the bag down.
358
00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:50,960
"Fashion a device"?
359
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:53,880
Dad, we don't care about
your stupid bag.
360
00:13:53,880 --> 00:13:54,680
Yeah! It's a BAG!
361
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:56,400
I know it's a bag,
362
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,160
but it's in a TREE!
363
00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:01,360
It's a bag in a tree.
364
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,000
Very heavy sedation?
365
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,960
Boys, just leave him, will you?
366
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,160
Goodbye... Forever!
367
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:10,040
Oh. We mustn't forget to
turn off the lights. Jackie?
368
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:11,360
Night, night, Martin.
369
00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:12,840
But, Jackie...
370
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:14,120
JACKIE?
371
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,080
Shame we can't turn off his oxygen.
372
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:19,160
Boys, is your mum all right
tonight?
373
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:20,880
Oh, she's fine, isn't she, Jonny?
374
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:23,640
Oh, fine.
375
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:26,600
Sorry again, love,
for dropping round like this.
376
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,520
It's just, it's not every day you
see your own name in print.
377
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,240
Er, no, it's not.
378
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,000
I got such a shock.
379
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,400
But a nice shock.
Oh, I love him!
380
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,640
I love him!
381
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:41,000
And I love you too, Auntie.
I really do. Aww.
382
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:43,280
And I was just telling your mum
how proud
383
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:45,280
she must be to see you in that
magazine.
384
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,000
Oh, she's very proud.
Immensely proud.
385
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:50,880
And I think it's amazing you
remembered seeing "Oliver"
386
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,200
with me, all those years ago, Adam.
387
00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:55,360
Yes, that is amazing, isn't it?
388
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:56,520
You were only six.
389
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:57,960
Only six.
390
00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,360
Although, come to think of it,
391
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:03,040
didn't your mum take you
to see "Cats" when you were five?
392
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,320
Well, Adam?
393
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,920
Do you know?
I really can't remember.
394
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,480
Oh, my God! Must dash.
395
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,040
Love you, Auntie. Goodbye.
396
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,280
OK. How insane is mum tonight?
397
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,120
Oh, definitely new world record.
398
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,360
Check he's still breathing? Go on.
399
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,960
Dad?
400
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:28,520
Of course. The rake.
401
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:35,080
And there she is. Yup.
402
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:37,600
Oi. Ready? Argh.
403
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:38,880
SMASHING AND CLATTERING
404
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,000
All right, Dad? Hello?
405
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,560
Little turds!
What are you doing on the floor?
406
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:47,640
Yes, why are you on the floor,
Father?
407
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:50,560
Well, help me up, then, will you?
Certainly.
408
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:54,000
THEY HEAVE
And here we go.
409
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:54,960
MARTIN GROANS
410
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:55,920
THUMPING
411
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,360
Buggers.
412
00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,880
I thought you couldn't walk? What?
I thought you couldn't walk?
413
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:00,960
I can't walk. Well, how did you get
414
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,520
all the way from the living room
to the shed?
415
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:04,480
I crawled. BOTH: Crawled?!
416
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,440
Yeah.
417
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,680
Now, look, I've made
the rake-broom device thingy.
418
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,880
The "rake-broom device thingy".
419
00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:13,280
Yeah, we'll take it round the front
420
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:14,360
and get the bag out the tree.
421
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,040
Er, no, we won't. No, sir. Oh, God.
422
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:18,760
Why won't anyone bleeding help me
tonight?
423
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,160
Cos it's an effing
bag in an effing tree.
424
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:23,120
And it's an effing eyesore.
425
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,640
Wait! Maybe we could
help him a little.
426
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,480
Really? Thank you!
427
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:30,800
That way we'll get to see
him, you know.... What?
428
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,960
Crawl?
429
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,280
That's it, keep going.
430
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:37,680
Get off!
431
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,280
Faster! Faster!
432
00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:40,920
Stop it, you shits.
433
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:44,880
Oh, crap, I've just
put my hand in that bloody pie.
434
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:47,640
OK, then, here we go.
435
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,360
Uh-uh. I'm doing it, thank you.
436
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,240
You're doing it?
You can't even stand up.
437
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,120
I'm doing it, all right?
438
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:55,800
It's my bag to get.
439
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,040
It's mine. All right.
440
00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:00,640
HE GROANS
441
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,920
HE GRUNTS
442
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:06,600
Behold!
443
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:07,960
Our Lord has risen.
444
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,520
You cretin. Careful!
445
00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:16,440
You think you can get away
from me, do you?
446
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,280
He said, to a plastic bag!
447
00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:21,600
Easy does it.
448
00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:23,520
Easy does it. Eh?
449
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:28,040
You didn't reckon with me, did you?
450
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:29,640
Argh. The pie!
451
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,400
METAL CLANGS
Oh, no.
452
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,320
GLASS SMASHES
453
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,160
Ah! Shit on it! Oh, my God.
454
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,720
Look at my car!
455
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:38,760
Look at my car!
456
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,360
Jonny, you dick.
457
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,680
Sorry, but that is classic.
You bloody idiot.
458
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:44,680
Look what you've done.
459
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,040
Um, oops? Oops? Oops?
460
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:48,080
What is going on?
461
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:49,080
Look what he's done.
462
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:50,920
My whole window, smashed to pieces.
463
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,160
Is that a rake?
464
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,520
Um, a "rake-broom device thingy."
465
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,160
Huh? I didn't mean to, Jackie.
It was the pie.
466
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,480
Can you believe him? Look at my car!
467
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,240
Look at it! Right.
468
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:03,560
You, Martin,
are staying outside all night.
469
00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,360
Outside? With no crumble.
470
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:06,560
No crumble?!
471
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:08,040
And you, Adam.
472
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,680
Well, it serves you right.
473
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:14,000
Sorry? Yeah, I've been talking
to your mum,
474
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,280
and it DOES serve you right.
475
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:18,440
Oh, this is good.
476
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:21,120
Serves me right? Serves me right?
477
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:22,920
Ignore him, Val.
I will, Jackie.
478
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,640
Don't you worry, I'll deal with it.
479
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,520
Deal with what? With what?
480
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:28,000
What?
481
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,800
You mention your father,
482
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,640
you mention your brother,
483
00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:33,680
you even mention me,
but do you mention your own mother?
484
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:36,840
Oh, my God! Please let me
film this. Pissface!
485
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:39,560
I've told you, love, he doesn't
care. He does not care!
486
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:42,960
He really doesn't. Jonny! Pusface!
487
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:46,160
So that's it, is it?
488
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:47,880
I've now got two mothers?
489
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:50,120
Two deranged, psychopath mothers?
490
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:52,440
Hey! Do you know what's even worse?
491
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:55,240
You can't even tell your mother
you love her.
492
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:57,800
Oh, my God.
Somebody shoot me right now.
493
00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,960
Why can't you tell your wonderful
mother you love her?
494
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,400
Jonny, please take me
away in your rocket.
495
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:03,320
Oh, shut up, Adam.
496
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:06,240
I tell you, if my Spencer
doesn't say he loves me
497
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,960
at least once a day,
you know what I do?
498
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,240
Er, let me guess,
you smack his bottom?
499
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:12,920
Yes, I smack his bottom.
500
00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,360
Really? Yes.
501
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,560
I smack his bottom again and again
502
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:19,400
until he says "I love you, Mum."
Well, that's certainly normal.
503
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:21,400
Auntie, I think
you should smack Adam's bottom.
504
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:22,880
Oh, I'll smack his bottom,
all right.
505
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:26,320
Ow. Get off!
506
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,400
Get off. No, go on, Val.
507
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,600
Yes, go on, Auntie. Say it.
508
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,320
Say it, then. Say what?
509
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:33,680
Say you love your mother.
510
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:35,160
Well, go on, Adam.
511
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:38,040
Say it. Oh, my God.
512
00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:39,840
Insanity!
513
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:40,640
Insanity!
514
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:42,080
That's it, run away.
515
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:43,280
Go on.
516
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,840
That was amazing.
517
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:47,920
Oi!
518
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,680
HE SNORES
519
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,480
Well, this is fun.
520
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,160
Hmmm? Sitting in a freezing car with
521
00:19:58,160 --> 00:19:59,720
a bloody snoring machine.
522
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,080
Terrific.
523
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:06,000
Here comes Crazy Mother Number Two.
524
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,440
Tell her you love her!
525
00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:13,520
Yes. Don't crash on the way home.
526
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:16,280
So, what are you going to do
about your stupid bag, then?
527
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:19,080
What? Oh, that. That's all sorted.
528
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:22,560
Sorted? But it's still up there.
529
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:25,120
Yeah, but don't worry,
there's a plan.
530
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:28,080
Plan? Hello, all.
531
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,000
Jim.
532
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,160
Um, I was just passing,
533
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,360
and wondering how you're
534
00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:35,520
getting on with the bag in the tree.
535
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,320
Um, there's a "plan", Jim.
536
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:38,160
There's a plan.
537
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,880
A plan? Come on, Milson.
538
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,000
Car ruined.
539
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,240
I've been racking my brain
540
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:50,280
trying to work out how that bag got
up there in the first place.
541
00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,720
Well, yes, Jim, it is
a bit of a mystery.
542
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,160
The wind!
543
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:57,520
It fell from a helicopter?
544
00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:59,440
Uhh.
545
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:02,880
Um, what's that thing?
546
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,760
That thing's "the plan".
547
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,000
Gotcha. Bingo!
548
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,680
Mazeltov.
549
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:15,840
£300 for a plastic bag?
550
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,000
Yeah, 300 lovely pounds.
551
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,160
You're an idiot, Martin.
You know that? Yup.
552
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,400
I know I've slagged off your
ridiculous spacesuit
553
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:25,520
all night, but...
554
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:28,440
You're freezing your bollocks off,
and now you want to wear it?
555
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:30,120
Er, sort of.
556
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:33,200
Go on, Pusface. Oh, thanks.
557
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:35,480
Boys!
558
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,160
Um, what do you want me
to do with it?
559
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:43,080
I'll have that, thank you.
560
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,640
That's right, Mr Bag.
561
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,640
I win. You lose. Ho-ho!
562
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,360
Done. Right.
563
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:53,280
If anyone wants me,
I'll be having my crumble.
564
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:57,200
Well, at least someone's happy.
565
00:21:57,200 --> 00:22:00,440
Hold on a minute.
566
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:01,800
Jonny?
567
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,360
Um, mate? You wouldn't mind putting
this back up there, would you?
568
00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:06,880
You want me to put it back up there?
569
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:08,160
Yeah.
570
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,440
I'll keep watch on Crazy Bag-man.
571
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:21,080
Actually, would you mind not
putting it back up there?
572
00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:22,560
Not putting it back up there?
573
00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:23,960
Not putting it back up there?
574
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,920
Yeah.
575
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,080
Crimble crumble.
576
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:31,600
Crimble crumble.
577
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:33,920
PHONE RINGS
578
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:38,040
Pusface? Amazing.
579
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,360
OK, coming.
580
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,920
Um, Dad?
581
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,280
What?
582
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,720
Oh, my bloody, bollocking back.
583
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,840
Honestly, Dad, it's worth it,
I swear.
584
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:54,160
Look. Oh, my God,
What have you done?
585
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:57,280
You bastards! My coat!
586
00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:59,240
My lovely coat!
587
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,840
Wait! Come back!
588
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,920
Come back!
589
00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:07,280
Mum? What?
590
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,440
I love you.
591
00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:15,120
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