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1
00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:40,280
Hurry up... Ohhh! Where is he?
2
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,920
Oh, Jonny, come away from
those curtains now, will you?
3
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,160
I'm waiting for Pusface!
4
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,760
Oh, please don't be horrible to him
when he gets here.
5
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,640
Sorry - DON'T be horrible to him?
6
00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:50,320
You've got to see this, Jackie.
7
00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:52,400
It's amazing. Just amazing!
8
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:56,720
Um... Martin, are you planning on
helping tonight,
9
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:58,440
or are you just going to spend
all evening
10
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:00,200
peering through that
stupid telescope?
11
00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:02,880
Telescope?!
It's a microscope, Jackie.
12
00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:05,600
A micro-bloody-scope! All right!
13
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,520
What are you looking at anyway?
What?
14
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:11,040
What are you looking at?
Hair. Hair? Hair!
15
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:12,800
JONNY GIGGLES
He's here...!
16
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,240
With his violin?
17
00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:15,840
Oh, yes!
18
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,520
THEY BOTH GIGGLE
19
00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,880
Oh, don't be horrible!
Martin - he's got his violin!
20
00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:23,640
This hair is from my armpit.
21
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,000
Ladies and gentlemen!
The worst violinist in the world...
22
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:32,280
Mr Adam Goodman!
23
00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:34,200
Jonny! Ha! Good, innit?
24
00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:35,520
What the hell was that?!
25
00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:38,200
He just bloody deafened me,
the dick.
26
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:40,000
Isn't it cool? A megaphone?
27
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,280
Yeah, I found it
when we were clearing out a flat.
28
00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:44,480
Welcome home, Pusface! Jesus!
29
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,080
Ow! Stupid berks.
30
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,040
Serves you right. Here.
31
00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:50,640
Are you OK, Bobble?
32
00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:53,240
Him OK?
Hands up! This is the police!
33
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,080
I've always wanted to do that.
34
00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:56,520
Right. Thank you.
35
00:01:56,560 --> 00:02:02,000
Oh, Bobble, you look so cute
with your little violin!
36
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,520
Mum...!
37
00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:06,520
Do I really have to play this
stupid thing for Grandma tonight?
38
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:07,880
Eee! Eee! Aiee!
39
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:11,200
Yes. I haven't played for, like,
12 years.
40
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:15,160
I know, but she's been asking for so
long, and it'll make her so happy.
41
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,720
God. Where is Grandma?
42
00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:19,760
Oh, she's...
Out making a porn video.
43
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:21,480
Martin! That's disgusting!
44
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:24,040
Dad... Porn video!
HE LAUGHS
45
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:27,280
Right. Just go in there and...
46
00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:28,480
eat your telescope.
47
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,880
Microscope, Jackie. Microscope!
48
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:32,240
Ugh... Microscope?
49
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:33,360
Don't ask.
50
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:34,920
He's been looking at hair.
51
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,800
Hair? Hair! All right!
52
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:39,520
What is wrong with him?
53
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,560
Have you got a year? Or 12.
54
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,720
Where is Grandma? She was meant to
be getting a cab here.
55
00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:48,200
You seen my phone? Uh-uh!
56
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:49,920
I really don't want to do this
tonight.
57
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,520
Oh, Bobble...
58
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:52,720
Agh! God!
59
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:54,800
Boys! Where is it?
60
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:57,200
I hated playing the violin.
You did not.
61
00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,000
You used to love playing to me
and Grandma
62
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:01,880
and all my friends
when you were little.
63
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:04,280
Oh, it was so beautiful.
64
00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,800
Yes, the beautiful sound
of strangled horses.
65
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:08,480
And in it goes again. Jesus!
66
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:11,680
Boys! Sorry, but whenever
I played for you and your friends,
67
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,840
I could never finish a bloody piece,
you'd all just sit there nattering.
68
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:17,040
We did not natter. Er, excuse me?
69
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:18,760
I think you're forgetting
Auntie Val.
70
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:20,880
The world's number one natterer?
Oh, shut up.
71
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:24,480
Then Dad would just stand there...
LOUD BURP
72
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,840
Doing that. Charming, Martin.
73
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,440
Aye carumba!
Anyone want to see a leg hair?
74
00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,800
Tempting. You shouldn't be nasty
about Auntie Val.
75
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:34,960
She's going through a very difficult
time at the moment. Good.
76
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,360
Stop it! It's a horrible divorce.
77
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,640
I don't know how she'd have coped
without her Spencer.
78
00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:40,880
Spencer the weirdo.
79
00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:42,560
Val's son is not a weirdo!
80
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,800
Val's son is a weirdo.
81
00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:46,400
Mum, he talks like he's a doctor.
82
00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:47,560
He does not.
83
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:48,720
"Oh, you have a headache?
84
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,600
"Well, I'm afraid we're going to
have to amputate your arse."
85
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:53,200
Not funny.
86
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:56,240
And anyway, Spencer very nearly
became a doctor, thank you.
87
00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:58,000
"Very nearly became a doctor".
88
00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:00,600
AS COUGHS: Failed his exams.
Caught cheating.
89
00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:04,560
It was never proved! Horrible. He's
very sensitive about that actually.
90
00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:07,520
Well, maybe he should see
a doctor then. Mmmm.
91
00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:09,120
Oh, there it is!
92
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:13,520
Martin, I told you to move
your telescope crap out of here.
93
00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:15,960
It's not a shitting telescope!
94
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,800
Oh - text from Grandma.
This'll be good.
95
00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:26,680
"Are you in your house house
I am in my house house thank you."
96
00:04:26,720 --> 00:04:28,880
What don't you understand?
97
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,880
"Then I had a fall." A fall?!
98
00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,520
She had a fall...?
Oh, my God, I hope she's all right.
99
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:36,280
Jonny, get your dad.
SHOUTS: Dad!
100
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,840
Jonathan! What?
101
00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:40,560
Grandma had a fall.
102
00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:42,920
Another fall?
How many falls has that woman had?
103
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:44,880
A thousand? Stop it.
104
00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:46,560
Luckily they've all been small ones.
105
00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,600
All she needs is one big one.
106
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,920
Hello, Mummy? Are you all right?
107
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:54,680
Please be bed-ridden, so I don't
have to play you my stupid violin.
108
00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:56,680
And now it's my turn. Huh?
109
00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:58,760
HE YELPS
110
00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:02,800
But she's OK though, yeah?
Thank God.
111
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:04,680
She said she just wants to
stay in bed and rest.
112
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,520
I mean, I've offered
to send your dad round.
113
00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:08,520
To hit her on the head with a pole.
114
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:09,800
Ohhh!
115
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:11,600
Poor old Grandma.
116
00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:12,960
So she's really not coming?
117
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,680
I know. And she doesn't want us
to go to hers?
118
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:16,880
What can I do?
119
00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:20,000
# Joy of joy! King of kings!
120
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:22,600
# I don't have to play
my stupid violin! #
121
00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,000
Ohhhhh! My shitting thorax!
122
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,520
Sorry, Dad. No. Good shot, Bobble.
123
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,680
Anyway, if you won't play for
your grandma,
124
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,320
you can play for your mummy.
Er, no.
125
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:36,280
What? You won't play the violin
for your own mother?
126
00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:38,960
Yes, you won't play the violin
for your own wonderful mother?
127
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,200
Shut up. Oh! Martin, say something.
128
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,080
Follicles. Great.
129
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,160
I can't believe you're refusing to
play for me tonight.
130
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,680
Yes. Isn't he a shit?
131
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:51,800
Oi! Pissface.
132
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:57,400
Val... Auntie Val...
133
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:02,160
Why don't you come here later?
134
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:07,520
Adam would love to play his violin
to cheer you up.
135
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,360
Kiss kiss.
136
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:14,200
Oh, Jonnyboo, please tell your
horrible brother to play for me.
137
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:17,040
OK.
PHONE CHIRPS
138
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:23,880
"Would love to see Adam play
tonight. Can I bring Spencer?"
139
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,000
Spencer?! Of course!
140
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:31,720
And Adam may need Spencer's advice
as he has
141
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,280
a bad bottom.
142
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:37,000
Bad bottom. I'm a genius.
143
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:39,760
Genius.
144
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,200
Urgh!
145
00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:42,440
Gravy.
146
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,880
Huh! You've got to see this one.
147
00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:49,920
Oh, do you have to do that
at the table?
148
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:51,360
It's from my nostril.
149
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,360
Dad, a hair from your nostril?
150
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,440
Yeah, but magnified 500 times.
151
00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:57,000
Ooh, can I have a look?
152
00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:58,240
Stupid penis.
153
00:06:58,280 --> 00:06:59,680
How lovely.
154
00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:04,600
Nice? God, I think
this nose hair's got nits.
155
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:08,240
Right, enough of your
disgustingness tonight, thank you.
156
00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:12,200
But Jackie! I...
Oh! Bloody Nazi dictatorship.
157
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:17,040
Hello, Mrs Hitler!
158
00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:18,680
God! Dad!
159
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:24,320
Just eat your bloody food, will you?
160
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:30,000
You've got one of my hairs here.
161
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:31,920
What? Oh, yeah.
162
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:33,520
That hair's from your head.
163
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:36,960
Right. As opposed to hair you've got
from other parts of Mum's body?
164
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,040
Thanks for that, Adam.
165
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:40,640
No, I've only got your mum's
head hair. Head hair.
166
00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:42,640
Freshly picked last night.
167
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:44,840
Picked?
What? Directly from Mum's head?
168
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:46,080
Yes, while she was sleeping.
169
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,520
While I was sleeping?
Well, that's not sinister.
170
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:51,000
I wanted a fresh specimen, didn't I?
171
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,560
I'm trying to get samples of
all the family's hair.
172
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:56,360
Said mass-murderer,
Martin Goodman, today in court.
173
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:57,720
Martin?
174
00:07:57,760 --> 00:07:59,920
What? Don't touch my hair again.
175
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:03,120
Hmm? Christ!
176
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:04,760
He's not touching my hair.
177
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:08,200
HE LAUGHS EVILLY
178
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:10,280
DOORBELL RINGS
Can you get it?
179
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:12,920
Sure, Mum! You'll enjoy this.
180
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,320
Sorry? Jonny?
181
00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:17,160
JONNY HUMS HAPPILY
What do you mean?
182
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:19,440
Hmmm...? Pissface?
183
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,320
Here, lads...
184
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:25,120
Hands up! This is the police!
185
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:28,920
Oh... Eh?
186
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,760
Good evening.
187
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,400
Why don't I just...
188
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:33,960
put this thing down here?
189
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,200
Can we, um...help you, officers?
190
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:39,200
MUM: Who is it?
The police! Sorry.
191
00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:42,680
Tell them I'll be murdering
your father in half an hour.
192
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,240
ALL LAUGH AWKWARDLY
Yeah, er,
193
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:46,160
sorry for disturbing your evening,
but...
194
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,480
Then cutting his body up
in the bath!
195
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:50,760
All right! Shut up, Mum!
SHE CACKLES
196
00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:54,200
We're just knocking on doors
tonight. Yeah, to let people know
197
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:56,520
that someone in the road
had a burglary earlier and...
198
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:58,000
Oh, right. A buggery?
199
00:08:58,040 --> 00:09:00,080
Pardon?!
His hearing's a bit...
200
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:03,280
There's been a buggery? No, Dad,
a burglary. They were BURGLED.
201
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,960
All right! They might have been
burgled and buggered. They weren't.
202
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,400
Oooh, it is the police!
203
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:09,760
Yes, it is the police.
204
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,160
Someone in the road was burgled.
205
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,120
I thought they said buggered.
206
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:14,600
Burgled? Who?
207
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,520
Well, we're not at liberty to say,
I'm afraid,
208
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:18,280
but we will be patrolling
the area tonight
209
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,200
just to make sure
everyone's vigilant and...
210
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,480
We believe the suspects
might have been scared off,
211
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,720
as the owner did have a dog.
212
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:24,840
A dog?
213
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,080
HE SLURPS AND GULPS NOISILY
214
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:35,560
Better now, Jim?
215
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:38,360
Much better, Mummy... Jackie.
216
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:43,200
Yes...to think that my house
was broken into by...
217
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,520
brutes... Brutes?
218
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:49,640
It makes me feel all dirty.
Like I've been used as a kind of...
219
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,680
la-VAT-ory.
220
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:52,920
Er, lavatory?
221
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,400
I'm fine, thank you.
222
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:57,160
Checked everything.
All the windows, doors, locks.
223
00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,160
No-one's getting into
this house tonight.
224
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,800
How about out of this house tonight?
Yeah, can we go soon?
225
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,560
Oh, you don't want to go too soon.
226
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,800
What?!
Ooh! Is that a little cello?
227
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,320
Um...it's my violin, Jim.
228
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:09,680
May I?
229
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:10,880
You play the violin?
230
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:14,080
Oh, yes, Martin, I used to play
in an orchestra.
231
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:18,840
Until Wilson left
a little something in the tuba.
232
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,040
Go on, then.
233
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,000
HE MUTTERS TO HIMSELF
234
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:36,640
HE WHIMPER-SINGS
AND BLOWS INTO VIOLIN
235
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,480
It's a bit out of tune.
236
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:47,320
Well, goodnight, Jim.
237
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,000
Try not to worry about the...
you know.
238
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,000
Brutes. Yeah.
239
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:55,800
It's OK, Jackie, I've always got
Wilson to protect me.
240
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,520
Yes. Wilson?
241
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:02,120
Wilson! Wilson!
WILSON BARKS
242
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,560
Oh, what good timing! Hello, love.
243
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,800
Val...? And Spencer?
244
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:10,680
What are they doing here...?
Well, goodbye.
245
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,000
Martin! Hi, love.
246
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,720
Sorry we're a bit late. You're...?
247
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:17,080
Well, say hello, Spencer.
248
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,360
Hell-ooo! Hey, Spencer.
249
00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,280
Isn't it great to see Spence again?
250
00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:25,160
Aw, I'm so excited to hear you
play again, maestro!
251
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:26,880
Play again?
252
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,480
Where we doing it then? In there?
253
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,520
Doing it? The concert, silly!
254
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:32,360
Are you OK, Jackie?
255
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,240
Concert?
256
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,480
JONNY SNIGGERS
257
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:41,520
Jonathan!
258
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:45,520
Whenever you feel comfortable to
talk to me about your...
259
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:49,320
..you know.
260
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:57,560
I don't care. I'm not playing my
bloody violin for Aunty Val.
261
00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:59,240
And her weirdo son. Jonny!
262
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:00,840
Pissface! Thank you for telling
263
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,840
Dr Spencer I had an arse
problem. Anything to help.
264
00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:05,520
Adam, you've got to play,
265
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:07,400
cos I invited her here to
hear you play...!
266
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,720
No, you didn't...
She thinks I invited her here.
267
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,920
Oh, Jonny...
Sorry, I'm going to kick him now...
268
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,520
What?! Ow!
269
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,600
Ooh! So this is what goes on
backstage!
270
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,560
Ah, hi, love.
271
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,120
Um, Aunty, can I say something?
272
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:22,720
No, can I say something?
273
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,560
I want to thank you, Adam,
for offering to play for me tonight.
274
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,640
You don't know how much
it means to me.
275
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,240
But... Spencer's dad has been such
a piece of shit,
276
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:31,840
and I've been feeling so rotten.
277
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:34,240
I was really worried about her
blood sugar levels.
278
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:35,560
They were very low.
279
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:39,240
No, Martin!
Wonderful to have you here, Valerie.
280
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:44,840
Come along, Spencer.
281
00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,680
We don't want to miss the concert of
the year!
282
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,600
Martin!
283
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:53,200
Adam?
284
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,080
OK. I'll play. I'll play.
285
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:57,520
Oh, Bobble. Bobble!
286
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:02,120
Whenever you want to talk.
287
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,920
Bloody hell...
Sorry? Speak up!
288
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,520
Ahh. I remember his little violin.
289
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:14,600
Yeah.
It's standard size actually.
290
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:16,040
Unlike Adam! Thank you.
291
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,200
Yeah, cos he's small.
292
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,040
Thank you again.
293
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,720
Right. I'm going to play you a
piece now. It's not long.
294
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,240
It lasts for about a minute.
295
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,440
A minute too long!
Oh, Jonathan!
296
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,680
So, I hope you can listen
and enjoy it...
297
00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:29,600
in silence.
298
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,960
Get on with it!
Christ! Argh! Martin!
299
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,680
Right!
300
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:42,800
You all right now?
301
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,760
You do seem quite agitated, Adam...
302
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:46,920
I'm fine, thank you, Spencer.
303
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,280
Go on, Bobble.
304
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:49,800
Yeah, go on, Pusface.
305
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:53,600
Pusface? Did he have excessive
facial secretions during puberty?
306
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:56,040
That is why we call him that.
Should have been a doctor.
307
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,000
Mum.
UNDER HIS BREATH: Caught cheating.
308
00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:00,280
Hmm? Pardon?
309
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:01,440
Right.
310
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,240
HE TUNES UP
311
00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:07,000
Oooh, he's very good, isn't he?
312
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,160
I'm just tuning, Aunty.
313
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,920
Oh! I thought it was a
bit modern!
314
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,640
So, can we talk in this bit?
315
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:18,120
Sorry? Um, Aunty wants to know
if we can talk in this bit?
316
00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:21,560
What? You mean she can't even last
ten seconds without nattering?
317
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,520
You know she bleeding can't!
Martin!
318
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:28,160
Are you actually gonna do that
while I'm playing?
319
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:29,640
Well, you're just doing your...
320
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:32,440
Eeeh-eeh-aiiee bit now,
aren't you? Eeeh-eeh-aiiee!
321
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:33,680
Jonny!
322
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:36,160
I am now, but in one second I'll
be ready, won't I?!
323
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,120
God!
324
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,440
OK. Ready now?
325
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:42,960
ALL: Ready!
326
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:44,720
Mazel tov.
327
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:47,440
Ow!
328
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:49,480
Gotcha!
Bloody hell! Martin!
329
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,680
You lunatic!
A perfect specimen!
330
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,760
Right! Not playing! Oh!
331
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:57,720
Adam! Oh, Martin!
Why are you such a bloody idiot?
332
00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,920
It's OK. I'll talk to him.
333
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,600
Really?
334
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,640
Isn't he wonderful?
335
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,080
Hell-ooh? Oh, God.
336
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:10,320
What do you want? Nothing. I just
thought I'd come in and say hi.
337
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:12,480
OK, well... Hi.
338
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:14,960
All right? Oh, please, go away!
339
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,240
You know, stress probably isn't
the best thing for whatever issue
340
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:19,720
you may have with your rectum.
341
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:22,920
Spencer, I don't have an issue
with my rectum, thank you.
342
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:25,000
He does. Mum!
343
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,960
And how are your stools
at the moment? Oh, my God!
344
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,400
Yes, how are your stools?
345
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:30,880
Mum!
346
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,400
You all right? Please can I go home
now?
347
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:34,880
What?
348
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:36,280
Mummy?
349
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,680
Oh, look at him!
350
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,600
Oh, I've put so much pressure
on the poor boy to play tonight.
351
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:43,200
I'm sorry, Adam.
352
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:44,520
Thanks, Aunty.
353
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,880
Why don't you play for us
in here instead?
354
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:48,240
What? In the kitchen.
355
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,960
Much less formal, and we'll just
sit in silence, I promise,
356
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,560
and you can play in your own time.
357
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:54,800
Spencer?
358
00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:57,000
Yeah, Pusface, in your own time.
359
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:00,480
Do it for Mummy.
360
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,360
Um, do I have to
sit in here as well?
361
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,040
Bugger.
362
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,040
So you won't start nattering?
363
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,480
Or suddenly tear off a piece
of someone's scalp? We promise.
364
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:10,720
Promise.
365
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,960
OK...
366
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,280
Oooh, bravo!
367
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:19,160
Right then.
368
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,600
I don't believe it.
PHONE RINGS
369
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,480
It's Grandma.
Sorry! She had a little fall.
370
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:27,760
Oh, dear. A fall?
371
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:29,400
Sadly, not into a mincer!
372
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:34,800
Hello, Mummy? You all right?
373
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,480
Hello, Jackie.
374
00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:39,360
Um, I've forgotten why I called
you now.
375
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,960
Great, so absolutely no reason to
interrupt me whatsoever.
376
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:45,800
Shh! Are you taking it easy,
Mum, like the doctor said?
377
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,440
Oh, yes, dolly.
378
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,200
She should try and take it easy.
379
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,720
Is that the doctor there?
380
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,080
Oh, my God! Hi, Grandma. It's
Jonny.
381
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:57,000
Remember you were going to come and
hear Adam play his violin tonight?
382
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:58,400
Oh, yes.
383
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,880
Well, he's gonna play it for you
right now, down the phone.
384
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,400
You bloody shit!
385
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,880
I'm not a bloody shit!
386
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:06,840
Jonathan! Martin!
387
00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:08,480
Sorry, Mum...
388
00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:10,520
Go on, talk to Grandma. Uh!
389
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:14,360
Hi, Grandma. It's Adam.
390
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,160
I can't hear the violin...
391
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,480
Yes, that's cause I haven't
started yet!
392
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:20,680
Er, he's starting now, Mum.
393
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:22,440
OK, Dolly.
394
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,680
This'll be lovely! Lovely!
395
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:31,440
Lovely music.
Please stop talking.
396
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:35,600
Carry on, carry on.
397
00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:38,080
I am carrying on.
398
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:40,280
What is...?
CRACK
399
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,320
CRACK
I think someone's shot her!
400
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:44,200
Mum? What are you doing?
401
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:46,440
I'm defrosting the freezer.
402
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,480
What?
403
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,440
Defrosting the freezer?
But you've just had a bloody fall!
404
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,680
CRACKING
405
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,160
Oh, my actual God!
406
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,720
I'm going outside, right now, to
smash my pissy, little violin
407
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:02,240
into pissy, little pieces!
What? No, Adam!
408
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,160
Amazing. Martin!
409
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,960
Hello? You are not smashing your
lovely violin.
410
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:08,960
I am smashing my lovely violin.
411
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,520
No, you are not.
412
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,560
Mum!
Talk to him, Spencer!
413
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:14,640
Adam, you're agitated.
414
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,240
This is what's known as an
agitated state.
415
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,680
Oh, can't you just shut up?
Sorry?
416
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,560
You're not a bloody doctor!
Adam!
417
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,640
How dare you speak
to my Spencer like that!
418
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:27,200
He cheated at his exams!
Everyone knows!
419
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,480
It was never proved!
It was never proved!
420
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:32,000
Right!
Calm down. Give me your violin.
421
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:35,800
No! No! Get off! I want to smash it!
I want to... Give it! Give it to me!
422
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,280
I want to... Ow! Bingo! Oh, my God!
423
00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:38,560
Martin!
424
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:42,080
I've got the set. The whole
family's hair. OK! Goodnight!
425
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:43,920
Adam.
426
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,000
Huh?
427
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,640
He's locked us out!
Open the door, you pillock!
428
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:49,960
Adam!
Pusface! Pusface!
429
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,200
What about the side door?!
It's locked.
430
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,160
Cause of all the, you know,
brutes.
431
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,640
Brilliant.
432
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:59,160
Adam, I'm still here if you
need me.
433
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:05,040
Adam? Adam?
434
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:06,560
Er, I don't think so.
435
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:10,960
Eurgh.
436
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,600
Gravy?
437
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,880
No good. He must have switched it
off.
438
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:16,880
Fantastic.
439
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,440
This is the police! We've
got the place surrounded!
440
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,520
Dad! I said, this is the police!
441
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,040
Come out with your hands up!
442
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:26,040
Put that bloody thing down.
Jackie...
443
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,480
Er, hello again.
444
00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,920
Everything all right?
Oh, shit!
445
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:34,200
Do piss off.
446
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,480
This is the police.
Can you open the door please?
447
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,360
Yes, Dad. Very good.
448
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:42,160
Mr Goodman, this is PC Sally Gatley.
449
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,080
Can you open the door, please?
450
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:47,080
Huh?
451
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:51,080
It is the police.
Yes, it is the police.
452
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,240
You called the police on me?
What?
453
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,200
I can't believe it! You ask me to
play the violin,
454
00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:56,880
and then when I actually start
playing,
455
00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,600
you talk all the way through,
and then you call the bloody police!
456
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,240
We did not talk all
the bloody way through.
457
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:04,480
You just bloody stormed off!
Yeah!
458
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,880
One minute that stupid piece
lasts. One minute!
459
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,720
He was bloody rude to my son!
460
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,760
Can you keep your voices
down a little?
461
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:13,280
He was in a state of psychosis,
officer. What?
462
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:14,960
Right, and are you a doctor?
463
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,920
That's right. Oh, my God!
He's not a sodding doctor!
464
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,120
He sells shoes on eBay!
Ignore him, Spencer.
465
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,920
He cheated at his exams!
It was never proved!
466
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:26,680
I'll be in the car.
Um.
467
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,720
Right, well. I think this is pretty
simple to sort out.
468
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:33,440
You lot, stand there and be quiet.
469
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:36,080
And you, you've got one minute.
Play your violin. What?
470
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:38,840
Yes! Well, go on.
Seriously?
471
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:43,080
Well?
472
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:45,480
All right! Fine. Fine.
473
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:46,960
Hello, all!
474
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,160
Oh, Christ...
475
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,480
Have the brutes struck again?
476
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:54,840
The brutes? No, Jim, but you're just
in time for Adam's special concert.
477
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,960
Ah! The little cello!
478
00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:00,720
Oh, yes, that's how you play it,
with the stick.
479
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,680
RADIO INTERRUPTS
480
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:13,640
Excuse me. Copy that.
481
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:14,840
Sorry, where are you going?
482
00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,320
There's been another break-in.
But I haven't finished yet.
483
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:19,640
Sorry, nice playing though.
No, you don't understand,
484
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,160
I've got to get to the end.
Can you move out of the way please?
485
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,520
You've got to hear the end!
Can you move?
486
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:26,640
Someone's gonna hear the end.
487
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:30,160
Someone's gonna hear the bloody
end! Right, I'm taking that!
488
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,200
What? Thank you.
No! Give it! Give it back!
489
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:37,880
OK, let's go! Stop! Thief! Thief!
490
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,080
Brutes!
491
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,200
Did you see that?
492
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:45,360
That was my violin!
They took my violin.
493
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,240
Oh, Bobble.
494
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,040
My lovely violin.
495
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:50,680
Bad luck, Pusface!
496
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:53,800
Aargh! My nose!
497
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:55,160
My nose!
498
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:56,400
He's all yours, doctor.
499
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,880
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