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"We're in the back garden."
2
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They're in the back garden?
3
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MOBILE TONE
4
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:50,560
Mum.
5
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:51,920
We're here! What do you...?
6
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,480
Yes, we know you're
in the back garden
7
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,840
because there's a sign saying
you're in the back garden.
8
00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:58,760
Why are they in the back garden?
Oh, you're joking!
9
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:02,000
Really? Ugh!
What?
10
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:05,400
You know that stupid thing
they bought? What stupid th...?
11
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,840
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
12
00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:09,320
Ugh.
13
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:13,560
There they are! Hi, boys!
Hi, bambinos, ha-ha!
14
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:16,640
Oh, my God...
You really are in a hot tub.
15
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I know! Isn't it great?
16
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It's not great.
Please get out.
17
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:24,160
Get out? Are you mad? Yeah, it's
gorgeous in here. It's gorgeous.
18
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:25,720
THEY GIGGLE
19
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,320
Are you making a rap video
or something? What?
20
00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:29,800
Well, come on, get in, then.
21
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,600
Get in? Ugh, gross!
22
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,120
What do you mean, "Ugh, gross!"
23
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,200
Your bottoms have been
in that water. Yeah. So?
24
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:37,680
Your bottoms have been in that air.
25
00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:39,240
Not quite the same thing.
26
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:40,760
What's wrong with our bottoms?
27
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,840
Yeah, your mother's got a lovely
bum. Ooh!
28
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:44,520
THEY GIGGLE
29
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,200
Live sex show.
30
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:50,280
Aren't you making dinner? What?
Oh, no, we're getting a takeaway.
31
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,600
Which you'll be eating
while lying in your own filth?
32
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:56,280
There's no filth, you berk.
I added toilet cleaner, didn't I?
33
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:58,080
BOTH: Toilet cleaner!
34
00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:01,800
Toilet cleaner? Well, just a little.
You know, genital germs, et cetera.
35
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,480
Right, I'm getting out now,
Martin! Thank you.
36
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,600
Hello, all!
Oh, Jim!
37
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:10,120
Oh, Jackie.
What are you doing here?
38
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:14,840
Why have you got
a great big bubbly bath outside?
39
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,760
It's a hot tub.
Hot tub? Hot toilet. Thank you.
40
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:23,000
And do Jewish people
not take baths indoors?
41
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:28,000
Er, not on Friday nights.
Ah, of course. Shalom.
42
00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:29,760
BOTH: Shalom.
43
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:33,520
What do you want, Jim? My sister's
coming to visit me later. Sister?
44
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:34,920
I didn't know you had a sister.
45
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,160
Oh, yes, Jackie.
But she's rather scared of dogs,
46
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,160
so I wondered if you'd...
47
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:42,120
Please don't say,
"Look after Wilson for me?"
48
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:45,080
..look after Wilson for me?
Fantastic!
49
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:50,200
Um. Yeah, thanks, Jim, um, but we've
never had a dog before...and...er...
50
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:53,200
Yeah, we wouldn't really know
what to do with him, so...
51
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,120
It's OK, Jackie.
Here are the instructions.
52
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:03,280
"Do not look Wilson in the eye
for more than three seconds."
53
00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:08,920
Well, we survived that.
54
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:12,840
It was supposed to be
a relaxing night in,
55
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,920
and then that bloody thing turns up.
Oh, don't be like that, Jackie.
56
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,840
Well, where are we going to put him,
then?
57
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:22,240
"Wilson doesn't like small spaces."
That rules out the oven, ha!
58
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:25,640
"Or large spaces."
So, nowhere on Earth?
59
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,200
Surely we can put him somewhere.
60
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:31,080
Outside.
"Wilson should not be kept outside,
61
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,520
"as he has been known
to frighten oxen."
62
00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:35,800
Right. Shall we just order our food,
63
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,160
and get on with the bloody evening,
yeah? Good idea.
64
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,320
And Martin, put some clothes on,
this isn't a nudist camp. What?
65
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,080
Ow, you bugger!
66
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,920
We're getting Chinese.
67
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:50,240
Oh! Skill McGill!
Skilligan McGilligan!
68
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:52,240
China Paradise.
Where's that menu?
69
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,360
Oh, not China Paradise.
They don't deliver.
70
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,320
So? You'll just have
to go and collect it.
71
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,880
Collect it? We have to collect
the food? It's not the 1930s.
72
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:02,800
Oh, shut up. Lazy shit-for-nothings.
Thank you.
73
00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:06,120
Can't we just get a delivery?
Yeah, just find somewhere online.
74
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:09,040
Online? I'm not eating
bloody internet food! Pardon?
75
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,400
Internet food?
Oh, not this again.
76
00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:14,320
Dad, they don't actually make
the food inside the internet.
77
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,080
Internet bloody food.
78
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,280
I've tried explaining it.
It's not worth it.
79
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:21,600
Oh, and I'll need my card.
My purse is in the kitchen.
80
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:24,760
Which we have to "collect"?
Correct.
81
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:28,280
Master Jonathan, would you get
the horse and cart ready?
82
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:29,720
Certainly, sir.
83
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:32,440
Pillocking pillocks.
84
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:34,760
"Internet food."
85
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,880
Yes, there's a tiny little man
inside the computer.
86
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,800
In a tiny little chef's hat.
87
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,520
GNAWING
88
00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:43,360
Is someone eating the house?
89
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:44,640
GNAWING
90
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:46,440
Wilson!
91
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,360
Er, is this something
we should know about?
92
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,560
Sorry, one second.
Have you got it?
93
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,800
Right, here we are.
94
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,520
What?
GNAWING
95
00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:57,800
Nothing. Nothing.
96
00:04:57,840 --> 00:04:59,200
So...
97
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:00,360
CRASH
Oh!
98
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:02,880
WILSON WHIMPERS
Oh!
99
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,160
Could I also have the sizzling beef?
100
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,120
Collecting our food
from the 1930s.
101
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,080
HE SNIGGERS
102
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,880
So, we're basically
just looking after a wolf.
103
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,480
Evening. Can I help you?
104
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:24,880
Yeah. We ordered a takeaway.
Goodman. Ah, yes. Two minutes.
105
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:30,960
God. So now we just stand and wait
for two minutes. I know. It's crazy.
106
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,600
Phone?
Phone.
107
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,600
Jim! What's he doing here?
108
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:42,080
Oh!
Smooth.
109
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,480
The pain!
110
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:48,680
Nice.
111
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,040
Good one, Jim.
112
00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:58,920
Ow!
113
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:03,920
Ugh, he's seen us.
114
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,000
Oh, God. Here we go.
115
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,480
All right, there, Jim?
116
00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:11,800
Hello, boys,
I didn't see you over there
117
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:14,920
because my hand was in the way.
118
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:18,280
Yeah. Aren't you seeing your sister
tonight?
119
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:22,080
Am I? Oh, yes, I am.
120
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:23,360
Dressed like that?
121
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,320
She's a very formal lady.
122
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,400
Here we are.
123
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,480
Hello.
124
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:36,440
Hello, my...wonderful sister.
125
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:37,840
I'm sorry?
126
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,960
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
127
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,360
Gentlemen, your food's
just over there. Oh, thanks.
128
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:51,560
Well, um, goodbye, Jim.
129
00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:52,960
Yes, goodbye
130
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:57,280
That wasn't weird!
That wasn't his sister!
131
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:04,440
A date? Yup. A date!
Yup. With a real lady.
132
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,960
Bleeding hell. What's she like?
Who cares what she's like.
133
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,720
He's just dumped Wilson on us
so he can get some...
134
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:11,360
floozy back to his place!
135
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:12,880
Floozy?
1930s.
136
00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:14,680
"My sister's scared of dogs."
137
00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,440
Right! What are you doing?
I'm calling him.
138
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:20,280
Really? Mum! Oh, come on, Jackie,
he's only having a bit of fun.
139
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,480
Yeah, Mum, he's only having
some fun.
140
00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:26,400
Fun? And what about me and your dad?
What about our fun?
141
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:29,040
The hot tub.
Hot toilet. Shut up.
142
00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:32,200
The bubbly, the...
Nippy-nippy. Shhh! Martin!
143
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:35,080
Er, what was that?
Yeah, what did he just say?
144
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:39,560
Good boy, Wilson. No, not "Good boy,
Wilson." What did Dad just say?
145
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:40,880
Nippy-nippy!
146
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:43,720
Martin! Oh, please don't say
that's your special name for...
147
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:47,640
Nippy-nippy!
Oh, God, it is! Please kill us now!
148
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,320
Grow up. Everyone has their own name
for it.
149
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:53,360
Do they? I don't. That's because
you never get any nippy-nippy!
150
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:54,800
Ha, ha, ha. Yes!
151
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:58,080
Well, your father and I happen
to call it nippy-nippy.
152
00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:00,960
OK. Happy now? No, not happy now.
153
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,280
Unhappy now.
Yes, very unhappy now. Ugh!
154
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:07,480
What does it even mean, nippy-nippy?
I don't know,
155
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,560
it's just what we call it.
It's, you know, cute.
156
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:14,320
Cute? It's depraved. OK, just put
the bloody plates out, will you?
157
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,840
Anyway, Jackie, we can still
have our nippy-nippy later,
158
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,720
we'll just bung the dog
in another room.
159
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:19,880
Thank you, Martin.
160
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,440
How romantic, bunging the dog
in another room.
161
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,280
Hold on.
GNAWING
162
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,840
Er, I think someone's
eating the house again.
163
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:27,920
What?
164
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,360
Oh, no, don't say!
165
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:32,840
Oh, my God!
166
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,560
Oh, shit on it! Wilson!
167
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,040
Oh, Martin, take him upstairs,
will you?
168
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:40,480
Pissing hell!
And not in our room.
169
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,080
No, because he mustn't get
in the way of your nippy-nippy.
170
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,240
Ow!
171
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:45,280
DOORBELL
172
00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,320
Dad's condom delivery?
Ow!
173
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:51,680
Um, hello, again, boys.
174
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:55,840
Hi, Jim, er, why are you...
Wet? Yeah...
175
00:08:55,880 --> 00:09:00,160
Oh, well, um, after you left
the restaurant that we were in,
176
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,000
I sort of set the tablecloth on fire
177
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:05,160
which sort of set off the um...
178
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:06,880
Sprinkler system.
179
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,760
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
180
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:14,920
Yes, which sort of made us, and
all the other people in there, wet.
181
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,400
Very, very wet.
182
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,640
GIGGLING
183
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:21,520
So, we went back to my house
to get dry.
184
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:25,360
But on the way I slipped on a worm.
A worm? Yes.
185
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:29,480
And dropped my keys
all down a sort of drain.
186
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,760
So you're...?
We're locked out.
187
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,040
SHE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY
188
00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:37,600
Mum!
189
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:40,120
Um, is it all right
if I use your bog, please?
190
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,520
SHE GIGGLES
191
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:43,440
Er, sure, the bog is just here.
192
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,400
GIGGLING
193
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,760
The locksmith man
won't be very long.
194
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,080
How's Wilson?
195
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:55,360
Oh, it's you.
196
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,480
Hello, Jackie, you look nice.
197
00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,160
Having dinner with your sister,
were you? Pardon, Jackie?
198
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:06,440
Hello. Can I...? Um, I can't seem to
find the light switch in your bog.
199
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:09,880
GIGGLING
200
00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:11,440
Um, here.
201
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:16,520
Oh, sorry. Jackie, this is Jackie.
202
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:19,000
GIGGLING
203
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,880
So, Jim. Here's some of
Martin's clothes for you.
204
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,320
Thank you, Martin.
Sodding hell.
205
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:33,280
And, um, here's some of my things.
I hope they're OK.
206
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,960
I'm sure they'll be just lovely.
Jackie.
207
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,880
GIGGLING
208
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:42,280
I don't seem to have
any under-garments.
209
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:46,920
Under-garments? Yes, you know,
for my...sensual regions.
210
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,600
Of course, Jim. Here we are.
211
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:51,080
Here, Jim.
Little shit.
212
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:55,080
Um, maybe get changed
in the spare room?
213
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:58,680
Yes, yes. The spare room.
214
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:05,120
So, we'll...leave you to it, then,
Jackie.
215
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:06,880
Thank you. Jackie.
216
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,560
GIGGLING
217
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,080
Okey dokey.
218
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,040
What a personality!
219
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,160
This way, Jim.
220
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,080
MUFFLED GIGGLING
221
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:21,640
She's still bloody laughing.
222
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:24,040
Wa-hey!
223
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,080
Right.
224
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,280
"My sister's scared of dogs."
Is she?
225
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:32,360
Your sister's scared of dogs,
Jackie?
226
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,360
Not my sister, your sister.
227
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,680
My sister... Yes! Well...
228
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,080
Lorraine...
Lorraine?
229
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,960
You don't have a sister, do you,
Jim? I have a sort of sister.
230
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:47,560
Sort of sister? You know,
the male version of a sister.
231
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,760
You mean brother?
Yes, brother.
232
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:54,200
I'm sorry, Jackie. When I saw
Jackie on the computer system,
233
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:58,320
it said she really didn't like dogs,
so...
234
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:01,240
Computer system?
What, you met her online? On a line?
235
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,880
Your dog's eaten
half our bloody house.
236
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:07,040
Perhaps I should have
a word with him.
237
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:13,120
Ooh, it's probably best
not to tell the other Jackie
238
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:16,440
that it's my dog
because, well, you know...
239
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:19,760
Yes, Jim. He won't get
any nippy-nippy. Jonny!
240
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,840
Well, go on.
241
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:23,520
You put him in my room!
242
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,640
It's your old room, stupid.
But...
243
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:26,760
Wilson.
244
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,080
DOG WHIMPERS
245
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:29,560
Oh! Fabulous.
246
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:31,440
Great. He also eats beds.
247
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,120
Oh, Wilson!
248
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:35,440
Look at this mess.
249
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,760
Hello.
GIGGLING
250
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:40,760
Ooh... Is that a dog?
251
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:41,960
NERVOUS GIGGLING
252
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,000
Yes, yes, it is a dog.
253
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:49,280
It's not my dog, Jackie,
because I don't have a dog.
254
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,920
Do I, Jackie?
Uh, no, Jim.
255
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,360
What's its, um, name?
256
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,120
Oh, Nippy-Nippy.
257
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,400
Yes, he's called Nippy-Nippy.
258
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,320
Githeads!
259
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,280
Oh, I could never live with a dog.
Nor me.
260
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:06,880
In fact, I...I hate
and despise all dogs.
261
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,520
Bad, bad dog! Bad, bad dog!
262
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:10,680
DOG WHIMPERS
263
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:13,680
You see?
264
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,680
Is your locksmith going to be
much longer, Jim?
265
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,320
Not too long, Martin.
266
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,520
Because it's sort of getting late,
and we haven't eaten yet, so...
267
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:24,720
I know, Jackie.
Um, neither have we.
268
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,800
GIGGLING
269
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:30,760
My night off,
and I'm bloody cooking again!
270
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,360
How did I become the official
caterer of Jim's bloody date?
271
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,080
Hands-off! Ooh!
272
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:38,440
And you, jaws off.
Stay, Nippy-Nippy!
273
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,040
Don't. Arseholes.
274
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,200
Hello! Here's the Chinese.
275
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:46,800
Um, some duck,
I made some extra noodles...
276
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:50,720
How are we all getting on, then?
I'm fine, thank you, Jackie!
277
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,880
You're sure you're OK in those
clothes, Jim?
278
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:56,120
STRAINED: I'm very comfortable...
HE CHOKES
279
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:00,880
HE EXHALES
280
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,240
HE EXHALES
281
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:11,720
Well, help yourselves!
Thank you, Jackie.
282
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:15,480
I think Jackie
and I will have our meal
283
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,240
after we've had our conversation.
284
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:21,120
Your conversation?
Yes! Our conversation.
285
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,920
SHE LAUGHS
286
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,480
Um...OK, then?
287
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:34,680
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
288
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:38,120
HE COUGHS
289
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:42,440
Are you OK? Jim? Have some water!
290
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,120
Pepper! Pepper?
291
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:53,600
Achoo!
292
00:14:53,640 --> 00:15:00,040
Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!
293
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:01,080
Achoo!
294
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,400
Coughing stopped! It always works.
295
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,360
So, Jackie, do you live nearby?
Oh, yes! Yes.
296
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:25,920
Jackie? Do you live nearby? Um...
297
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,280
Not too near. But also...
298
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:33,960
..not too far.
SHE LAUGHS
299
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,880
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
300
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:40,760
Is it her turn now to
ask a question? That's right, Jim.
301
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:45,200
Yes, because you're having your
conversation. Yes, our conversation.
302
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,400
Your go?
303
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:50,600
Oh! One moment, please.
304
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:53,200
SHE LAUGHS
305
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:56,960
Off to the bog? Never coming back?
It is going well, isn't it?
306
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,000
Very well.
307
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,160
SHE LAUGHS
308
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,200
SHE EXHALES
309
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:05,880
Right.
310
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,320
Have you got any brothers
and sisters?
311
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,880
SHE LAUGHS
312
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,720
Yes. I have a brother...
313
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:20,040
Lorraine.
Where's this pissing locksmith?
314
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:24,080
He'll be...five minutes, Martin.
Thank you, Jim.
315
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:28,320
I once went to Switzerland!
Ooh, Switzerland? Yes!
316
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:31,560
To have a special operation
on my bottom.
317
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:35,880
Wonderful. Not on my bottom,
it was in my bottom.
318
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:41,800
Have you ever had a special
operation on or in your bottom?
319
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:46,320
No, but I was once given some
penicillin for my...
320
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:49,920
..foofoo.
SHE LAUGHS
321
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,960
Sorry, Jim...one second.
322
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,120
Achoo! Achoo!
323
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:06,360
Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!
324
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:07,480
SHE SIGHS
325
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:09,760
If you find me facedown in that
hot tub later...
326
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:12,040
Penicillin for her foofoo?
327
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,160
KNOCK ON DOOR
Hello?
328
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:17,840
Ooh, sorry, everyone.
329
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:24,280
I just wanted to let you know...
that tonight is probably
330
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:29,440
the greatest night of my
entire life!
331
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,800
Really, Jim? Oh, yes, Jackie!
332
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:35,680
I think she might be...the one!
333
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,560
Oh, my God, he thinks she's the one!
334
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,400
What, the one that murders us all?
That's horrible!
335
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:51,360
Ohh...how exciting!
336
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,400
Come on, five minutes to freedom.
337
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,280
And then, straight in that hot tub.
Hot toilet.
338
00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:58,400
HE LAUGHS
Right!
339
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:00,840
How are our two love birds?
SHE LAUGHS
340
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,480
Mum?
Four minutes 50, and counting.
341
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:08,680
Oh, yes! Regarding the locksmith
man, it wasn't five minutes,
342
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:12,160
it was 95 minutes!
343
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,480
Jim? 95 minutes? That's it.
344
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,640
I'm going to my bloody shed.
Martin!
345
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,280
Wait...
WOOD CRACKS
346
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:22,880
Oh, good, the beaver's back. What?
347
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,800
TABLES CRASHES
348
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:28,760
Shitting tits!
349
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:37,120
Ooh, there's a bit...
there's another bit...
350
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,840
Um...thank you, Jim. Yeah.
351
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:43,400
You sure you're all right,
sitting there?
352
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,600
We're fine! Aren't we, Jackie?
353
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:49,000
Oh, yes!
SHE LAUGHS
354
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:56,080
Unbelievable. They just sat there.
Is strangling still a crime?
355
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,520
Shh!
356
00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:01,960
Oh, boys, how are we going to get
rid of them? Set the house on fire?
357
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,280
Not that door!
358
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:05,360
DOG BARKS
359
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:08,560
Oh, crap.
360
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:12,400
Nippy-Nippy? Nippy-Nippy!
361
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:14,320
How are we supposed to find
the bleeding thing
362
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,160
if we can't use its real name?
363
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,800
Sorry, real name?
Oh, you little shits.
364
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:23,400
Nippy-Nippy? Oh, great, now I'll
have that sodding dog in my head
365
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:27,800
next time I'm astride your mother.
Martin...astride? Jackie!
366
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:32,720
I was just wondering,
might there be any other name you
367
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:37,880
sometimes use for Nippy-Nippy?
Like, for example, I don't know...
368
00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:40,760
Wilson?
369
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:47,080
Um, actually...Jim, we do sometimes
call him Wilson, yes!
370
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:51,640
It's funny...I just
guessed their dog's other name!
371
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,760
Wilson? Wilson!
DOG BARKS
372
00:19:56,800 --> 00:20:00,520
Oh, champagne to celebrate!
I mean, no champagne!
373
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,320
Bad dog, bad Nippy-Nippy!
Terrible Nippy-Nippy!
374
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,600
I'm so happy you got your dog back.
375
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,720
SHE LAUGHS
Yeah!
376
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:16,120
Yes, I, too, am so happy
you got your dog back, also.
377
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:21,480
It's your dog, really,
isn't it, Jim?
378
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,600
SHE LAUGHS
379
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,640
Sorry...Jackie, yes.
380
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,520
Nippy-Nip...Wilson is my dog.
381
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:34,240
I don't mind.
382
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,000
HE CHUCKLES
383
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:41,520
Aww!
384
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:46,080
Ohh, isn't this lovely? Yeah.
385
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:50,960
And...sorry, I never even asked you,
Jackie. What is it you do?
386
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,040
Oh! um, well, I was working
as a legal secretary.
387
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:57,120
SHE LAUGHS
Ooh, someone's a clever clogs.
388
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,880
But then I left my job because
I didn't really like the people.
389
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:01,920
Oh, dear, why is that?
390
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:02,960
They were Jews.
391
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:06,200
SHE LAUGHS
392
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:08,080
What I meant was...
That's it, keep talking.
393
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:10,680
..that not all Jews are bad,
but the ones I've met...
394
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:12,320
And here we are! And...
395
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:15,400
SHE LAUGHS
396
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,080
And now...piss off.
397
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:26,400
She was nice...
until she wasn't nice.
398
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:30,720
Sorry, Jim. It's OK,
Martin, just a shame that she was...
399
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:33,440
A Nazi? Yes, a Nazi.
400
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:36,920
Who'd have thought?
An evening with Mrs Goebbels.
401
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:42,920
Is there anything I can do to make
amends to your poor, poor people?
402
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,680
Shalom...
403
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,720
BOTH: Shalom.
404
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:51,880
I think the best thing would be
for you to go home now, Jim.
405
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:54,080
Yes, of course, Jackie. Yeah.
406
00:21:55,320 --> 00:22:02,560
Maybe if I said a few extra shaloms,
you know...in penance?
407
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:06,960
Good idea, Jim.
Well, goodnight. Goodnight.
408
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:11,720
Ooh, how many shaloms should I do,
exactly?
409
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:12,760
20,000.
410
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,800
Shalom!
411
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:18,800
Shalom!
412
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:27,040
I cannot believe you're making us
do this.
413
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,160
Oh, stop moaning, it'd be nice!
414
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:32,080
What, lying in our parents'
sex water?
415
00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:34,880
Sex water! Adam! Ooh.
HE LAUGHS
416
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:39,160
Oh! Martin! Oh...God.
THEY LAUGH
417
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:41,840
Seriously, if there's even a hint
of Nippy-Nippy...
418
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:45,120
Shitting hell!
Hello, all! Oh, my God!
419
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,760
I thought it best to do
my shaloms in here, you know,
420
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,400
in the Jewish bath?
421
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,640
Shalom...
422
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:57,840
Jim? Mm? Please get out.
Yes, of course, Jackie.
423
00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:59,440
THEY EXCLAIM
424
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:02,000
Shalom... I'll get the bleach.
425
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:24,240
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