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1
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[♪ theme music playing]
2
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[car gears grind]
3
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:36,840
[sighing]
4
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,200
It sounds like a goose.
5
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:40,760
Seriously, I'm not missing
the Grand Prix.
6
00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:42,880
Maybe you could say that
another 5,000 times.
7
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,920
-Ah, the Grand Prix?
-Jim?
8
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,400
Is that the one with the cars
or the horses?
9
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:50,520
What are you doing here?
10
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:53,080
Just having our little walk,
aren't we, Wilson?
11
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:54,480
In our drive?
12
00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:58,240
Well, goodbye, then.
13
00:00:58,320 --> 00:00:59,520
[sniffs]
14
00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:07,440
-Uh? Meat?
-Just checking for meat.
15
00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:09,520
Yes. Wilson's on a no-meat diet
at the moment,
16
00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:11,840
so we have to be very careful,
don't we, Wilson?
17
00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:14,080
He's ravenous!
18
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,920
Um, we're not carrying
any meat on us, Jim.
19
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:18,680
-Yeah. Not today.
-[sniffs]
20
00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:20,280
That's good. All clear!
21
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-Thanks, bye.
-Enjoy the horsies.
22
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[doorbell rings]
23
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-Come on, Wilson.
-Meat?
24
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,600
There is no way
I'm missing the Grand Prix.
25
00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:28,680
[groans]
26
00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:31,520
Don't you have your keys?
27
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:32,600
-Oh, hello...
-Horrible.
28
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:33,680
...Grandma.
29
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,800
If you had your keys,
then your poor parents
30
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,000
wouldn't have to keep
trudging to the door.
31
00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:39,080
Okay.
32
00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:40,720
May we come in?
33
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-[door closes]
-Wipe your feet!
34
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Dirty boys!
35
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:55,760
The pigs are here!
36
00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,000
-Hi, pigs!
-[Adam] Hi.
37
00:01:58,120 --> 00:01:59,200
[Jonny] Hi, Mum.
38
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,720
[Jackie] You look nice! Aw!
39
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,680
-Why can't it be her funeral today?
-[Jackie] Hmm.
40
00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:06,000
I'm sure it can be arranged.
41
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,880
Actually, I did see
a large rock out there.
42
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,400
Some small ones would do.
43
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:11,600
Just had a good sniffing from Jim.
44
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:13,120
-You what?
-Where's Dad?
45
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:16,040
-Writing his speech.
-Dad's doing a speech?
46
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Which thick idiot had that idea?
47
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:20,960
My beloved brother passes away,
48
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the least your father can do is to get off
his backside and say a few words!
49
00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:27,440
Of course, Cynthia.
Everything okay now?
50
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:28,760
The coffee's cold.
51
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:30,360
You said you didn't want it too hot.
52
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:33,880
-Neither did I want it too cold.
-I'll pour you a new one, then.
53
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,280
[whispering] Well, it won't pour itself.
54
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,360
-[Adam] What happened to that?
-It fell over.
55
00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:40,920
It fell over
or it was pushed over?
56
00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:43,640
[Jackie] That's what I'd like to know.
Well, enjoy!
57
00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:48,320
-Well, sit down!
-Okay...
58
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:49,480
-Horrible.
-...Grandma.
59
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:52,520
[Adam sighs]
60
00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:58,120
Well, aren't you going to say anything?
61
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,120
Sorry Uncle Saul died.
62
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,840
Oh, Saul was a wonderful man.
63
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,120
-Everybody loved him.
-Hated him.
64
00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:09,920
The thing is, he ate too much,
and in the end, it killed him!
65
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:14,240
His rectum seized up
and his bowels imploded!
66
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:15,320
[groaning]
67
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,240
-Bambinos.
-Dad.
68
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:19,960
How's the speech, Mr. Churchill?
69
00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:22,200
Pillock! Sorry, Mum,
70
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,000
where was Uncle Saul born again?
Edinburgh?
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00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:25,120
London.
72
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:27,760
-He was a baker?
-Tailor.
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-Wife called Jean?
-He never married!
74
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,400
Who needs facts, eh, Dad?
75
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,600
-I'm going to the shed.
-Bodes well.
76
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,000
[Martin] Bleedin' hell.
77
00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:40,160
Here we are. Dad looks happy.
78
00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,320
He just found his cyanide pills.
79
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,720
-Ooh, too hot!
-You're welcome.
80
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,280
-Maybe we should get going.
-Yeah.
81
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:49,080
-But I haven't had my hair done yet!
-Your hair?
82
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,760
You know what hair is, don't you?
83
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:53,120
But the funeral starts at 10:00...
84
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,200
-Horrible.
-...Grandma.
85
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:56,560
-No, it's at 12:00.
-You said 10:00!
86
00:03:57,480 --> 00:03:59,400
-Did I?
-But that means I'm gonna miss the--
87
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Mrs. Goodman, your personal
stylist awaits! Hi, boys.
88
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[both] Hi, Auntie Val.
89
00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:06,600
-Here.
-Oh! Thank you, Cynthia.
90
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:11,000
It's not for you, I want you to carry it!
Stupid woman.
91
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:14,320
Deep breaths!
92
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,480
-Can we get you a rock?
-Huh?
93
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:20,480
-[Cynthia] Hurry up, Valerie!
-I hope she'll be all right.
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Inside!
95
00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:24,560
What?
96
00:04:24,640 --> 00:04:26,840
Why did you tell us the funeral
was at 10:00?
97
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:29,120
[sighs] 'Cause I wanted you
to help with--
98
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,240
-Bugger-tits?
-Yes, bugger-tits.
99
00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,400
Boys, do you think
she pushed our cabinet over?
100
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:36,480
-But it's the Monaco Grand Prix!
-Is it? Who's playing?
101
00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:38,320
-Excellent.
-No-one's playing.
102
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:40,280
It's the Grand Prix.
I never miss the Grand Prix!
103
00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:43,440
Oh, grow up, Jonny.
It's your great uncle's funeral.
104
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-So? I hardly knew the guy!
-What? You remember Uncle Saul.
105
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-Large gentleman.
-Large elephant.
106
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,400
-Adam!
-Mum, he was a knobhead!
107
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:54,000
-Jonny!
-He was a knobhead.
108
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-Stop it! He was family.
-The family knobhead.
109
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-I'm sorry, everyone.
-[Jackie] Are you all right, love?
110
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Could you get me a rock?
111
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[Martin mumbling]
112
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Uh, hi, Dad.
113
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[Martin] Wish it was my mother
they were burying.
114
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-What are you doing?
-[Martin] Sitting in the shed.
115
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I think he means, "Why have you
got a cloth on your face?"
116
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I did mean that.
117
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:19,760
-[Martin] It keeps out the light.
-Right.
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Also, smells nice. [sniffs]
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-Mm, grubby.
-[groans]
120
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,520
Shouldn't you be writing
your speech?
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[sighs] I don't know what to say
about the bloody man.
122
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-Who's making me miss the Grand Prix.
-Really? Who's playing?
123
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[groans]
124
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-I've hardly written a thing.
-What have you written?
125
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-"He liked potatoes."
-It's a start.
126
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-"And most breads."
-There's your middle.
127
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-All you need now is the end.
-[chuckles]
128
00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:47,000
Prannies! I've just been reading
his medical report.
129
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,520
-Well, there's your speech.
-Makes you think, though.
130
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:53,200
One minute you're having your sandwich,
the next, your arse blows up.
131
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,480
Yeah. Maybe don't say that.
132
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-I tell you, this family and its bottoms.
-Or that.
133
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And I've got to carry his bloody coffin!
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[chuckles] You're carrying his coffin?
135
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,080
[chuckles] Bad luck, Dad!
136
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:04,480
I might as well be carrying a bus!
137
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:05,880
[laughing]
138
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I don't know why you're laughing,
you're carrying it with me.
139
00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:09,760
-What?
-We're--
140
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:11,320
Yep, coffin bearers.
141
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Mm, smelly. [sighs]
142
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Mm!
143
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I'm not arguing about it.
144
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You're carrying your great uncle's coffin.
145
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:24,520
-But, Mum, it's sinister!
-It's not sinister!
146
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:26,800
What, carrying a dead body
is not sinister?
147
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Don't be silly! It's in a box!
148
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:31,120
A dead body in a box,
that's not sinister?
149
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,160
-That is definitely sinister.
-[groans]
150
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:34,760
[knocking on door]
151
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:37,880
How are we getting on in here?
152
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:41,720
Jacqueline, will you tell this woman
to stop scraping my skull?
153
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:44,120
And, Jacqueline,
will you get me a gin and tonic?
154
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,520
-Um-- Right.
-With no tonic.
155
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,920
-Oh, dear.
-Okay, we'll carry his coffin.
156
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,720
But that is the last coffin
we ever carry.
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-What?
-Yeah, the last one.
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Apart from mine, obviously.
159
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-Sorry?
-Sorry?
160
00:06:58,040 --> 00:06:59,920
When I die, you'll carry my coffin.
161
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:01,320
-[scoffs]
-No way!
162
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,000
What?
163
00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:05,960
You won't carry your mother's coffin
to her grave?
164
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Because that's not sinister at all, is it?
165
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,200
What, dead mum in box.
166
00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:12,520
Well, clearly, asking my own two sons
167
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to carry their mother's body
is too much to ask.
168
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:17,840
It is quite a lot to ask.
169
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:19,840
Unbelievable!
170
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We're unbelievable?
171
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:23,000
[Jackie] Unbelievable!
172
00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,760
Uh, have you injured your brain
or something?
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I can't believe you are literally
refusing to carry my body.
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All right, okay, we'll carry it.
175
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Thank you.
176
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As long as you die
in the next five minutes.
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00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:36,360
-Starting now.
-[chuckles]
178
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,600
Is 17 words enough for a speech?
179
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:42,440
Martin, the boys are saying
they won't carry my coffin.
180
00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:46,080
They're not carrying your coffin,
they're carrying Uncle Saul's coffin.
181
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I mean for my funeral, you idiot.
182
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:50,840
They won't carry my body.
Tell them!
183
00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,280
-Well, you'll carry your mother's body.
-Thank you.
184
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,440
Just make sure you wash
your hands afterwards!
185
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,440
[laughs]
186
00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:02,480
Well, I'll be very angry
if you don't carry me.
187
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,160
-Um, I don't think you'll know.
-Oh, I'll know, all right.
188
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:06,880
-Oh, yeah?
-I'll be watching you.
189
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:08,720
[shuddering]
190
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:11,360
What? You wouldn't want
your own mother
191
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:13,360
watching over you
when she's gone?
192
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:14,440
[muffled] God help ya.
193
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:18,320
Martin, can you, please, stop
drinking from that bloody tap?
194
00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:21,120
-[slurps]
-You sound like an ox.
195
00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:22,280
Thirsty.
196
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,240
Well, it's obvious I mean nothing to you.
197
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,440
Not nothing, but...
198
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,000
Right!
199
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:33,440
-Shed.
-[both] Shed.
200
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,000
-[Jonny] Jim.
-Hello, all!
201
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,440
What the hell are you doing there?
202
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,600
We're just doing walkies,
aren't we, Wilson?
203
00:08:41,680 --> 00:08:43,280
What, down the side of our house?
204
00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:44,480
Hmm?
205
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,040
Jim, we're really quite busy.
206
00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:50,680
Yes, of course.
You look nice in black.
207
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,600
-Uh...
-Come on, Wilson.
208
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:53,960
-[Wilson whines]
-No.
209
00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,680
[sniffs]
210
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,520
Jim? Wh-- What are you--
211
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:03,120
-Just checking for meat?
-Just checking for meat.
212
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,200
Meat?
213
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:07,080
Yes, Wilson's on a no-meat diet,
aren't you, lovely?
214
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,200
He's ravenous!
215
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,000
Jim, we're kind of going to
a funeral today, so...
216
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:16,640
-A funeral? Oh, dear. Who died?
-My uncle, Jim.
217
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,200
Oh, your Uncle Jim.
218
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,880
-What?
-Well, I am sorry, Martin.
219
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,640
Where will you be putting the corpse?
220
00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:26,880
-"The corpse"?
-The carcass.
221
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,520
-The usual place.
-In the mud.
222
00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,120
-The ground.
-Ground.
223
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,840
He's being buried at the cemetery.
224
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:39,160
Yes, of course. Is that the normal one
or the Jewish one?
225
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:43,800
-The Jewish one.
-Ah! Shalom!
226
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:45,520
Shalom.
227
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:48,600
Well, thanks, Jim. I have to
finish my speech, so...
228
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:50,600
Ah! A speech!
229
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:54,080
"To be or not to be,
that is the question."
230
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:58,000
"A horse! A horse!
My kingdom..." "Romeo!
231
00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:01,320
Romeo!
Is this a dagger which I..."
232
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:05,560
"Friends, Romans, countrymen,
lend me your--"
233
00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:06,880
[Val] That is it!
234
00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:10,280
That bloody woman can shove
her hair right up her ass!
235
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,880
[sniffs]
236
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:19,600
And she was just so--
237
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:20,720
-Horrible?
-Horrible?
238
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,680
You mustn't let it get to you, love.
239
00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:24,840
But why would she say such things?
240
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:27,160
Why would she call me a prostitute?
241
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:30,760
-I'm not a prostitute, am I?
-'Course you're not a prostitute!
242
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:32,000
She said I was.
243
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,000
Boys, tell your auntie
she's not a prostitute.
244
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,160
[both] Auntie, you're not a prostitute.
245
00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:41,800
Thank you, boys.
246
00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:45,560
Listen to this. Did you know,
in the year Uncle Saul was born,
247
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,880
they erected the very first
National Grid pylon?
248
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,120
-Really?
-Well, that's one for the speech!
249
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,720
Don't worry. It's in.
250
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,520
-Did you talk to her, then?
-Who?
251
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:54,960
-Your mother.
-My mother?
252
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:56,080
Yes!
253
00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,800
You were gonna tell her what a rude
bloody cow she was, remember?
254
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,080
Oh, yes, I remember.
255
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,920
-Well?
-Well, I was going to.
256
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,760
-And?
-And then I didn't.
257
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:07,680
Who would have guessed?
258
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,800
Martin, where's that cup of tea?
259
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:13,360
-Mum--
-What?
260
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,200
I'll go get it for you.
261
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:19,080
What a man!
262
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,920
Well, Valerie, are you going
to finish my hair or what?
263
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,920
Uh, Valerie's not speaking
to you at the moment, Cynthia.
264
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:29,040
-I see.
-And neither am I.
265
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:32,240
Right.
266
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,600
May I ask whose car keys are these?
267
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:38,960
Uh, mine. Why?
268
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,560
Then I shall be waiting on
the back seat for you.
269
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:44,120
What? Where are we going?
270
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,560
Nowhere. I think she just wants you
to feel her tits.
271
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:47,640
Jonathan!
272
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:51,120
[laughs]
273
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:54,360
Oh, my God! "Tits"!
274
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,600
[laughs]
275
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,120
[gears grind]
276
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,600
[Cynthia] The hairdressers
is just over there. Pull in.
277
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,120
-Pull in!
-[Adam] Yes, okay!
278
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,240
[gears grind]
279
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,360
Right. We're here now, so--
280
00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:11,960
How your mother can be friends
with that hysterical woman,
281
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,240
-I shall never know!
-Um, do you want to get out?
282
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:15,960
She's obviously got mental problems.
283
00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:18,360
-Do you want to get out?
-Clearly menopausal.
284
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,600
-How sweet. Maybe get out?
-Right. I'm getting out now.
285
00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:25,720
I shall be 20 minutes.
286
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:31,320
-Truck runs her over.
-Building collapses on her.
287
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,600
-[Adam] Oh, she lives.
-Shame.
288
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:37,160
-Right, the Grand Prix.
-[Adam groans]
289
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:40,000
-Great.
-You know it doesn't work.
290
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:43,720
-Could you possibly have a shittier car?
-Could you possibly have a shittier face?
291
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:45,960
[groans] Animal!
292
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:48,200
I'll try my phone.
293
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:51,000
How can you watch all those cars
go round and round?
294
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:52,080
Night-night, Pusface!
295
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:53,560
Might as well be watching traffic.
296
00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:57,600
Of course!
No signal in the crap-mobile.
297
00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,000
-[thuds]
-Right.
298
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:01,560
Where are you going?
299
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,160
-A pub. They'll have a screen.
-A pub?
300
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:05,640
Yeah. We won't be long.
301
00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:06,960
-Uh, no...
-[shop door opens]
302
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,280
[man chattering angrily]
303
00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:09,800
-...we won't.
-Huh?
304
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:11,960
-Start the car!
-That was quick!
305
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,480
-I said, "Start the car!"
-What?
306
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,200
What happened?
307
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:21,360
All I said was, I didn't want
them to make me look like
308
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,120
all the other prostitutes in there.
309
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:26,560
-Oh, the good old prostitutes.
-And they refused to do my hair!
310
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:27,840
-You don't say!
-Come on!
311
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:28,920
[engine splutters]
312
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:32,480
Though unfortunately,
a large glass cabinet fell over
313
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:33,960
just as I was leaving.
314
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:36,760
It smashed everywhere!
315
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,760
Oh, here come the prostitutes!
316
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,400
[car splutters]
317
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,400
Do you understand the seriousness
of what happened, Mrs. Goodman?
318
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:52,960
I think so, Officer.
But it's all so confusing!
319
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:56,360
Please, can I go and bury my brother?
320
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,200
Sorry, but can your mother
understand what I've been saying?
321
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,280
-[all] Yes!
-Excuse me, do you have Wi-Fi?
322
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:04,600
Fortunately, Mrs. Goodman,
323
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:06,560
your son has agreed
to pay the damages.
324
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:07,640
"Fortunately"?
325
00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,440
And since the owners have
decided not to press charges,
326
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,400
you are, effectively, free to go.
327
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,240
Oh, bless you, Officer!
328
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:16,280
I'll leave you to it, then.
329
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,840
You mean you're not gonna
hang her by the neck?
330
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,520
Until she's very, very dead?
331
00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:26,680
[sighs] Blimey!
332
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,840
Mum, I hope you heard
what the nice policeman just said!
333
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,960
-Stupid fuss about nothing.
-I'm sorry?
334
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:39,320
So, a silly cabinet falls over,
cabinets fall over the whole time!
335
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:42,040
You pushed our cabinet over, didn't you?
336
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:43,160
I beg your pardon?
337
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,040
Right, that's it,
I'm not going to the funeral.
338
00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:47,360
What? Jackie!
339
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,920
Not until your mother
apologizes for everything!
340
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:54,200
-Apologizes?
-You heard me. I'm not going.
341
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:57,120
But, Jackie, they're burying
the old git in 20 minutes!
342
00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:58,560
-I don't care.
-[sighs]
343
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,440
Well, you're going, Martin,
you have to accompany your mother.
344
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:07,800
Um, I think I might have to,
um, potentially,
345
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,560
maybe agree with my wife?
346
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:15,360
What a man!
347
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,240
Well, Cynthia?
348
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:19,120
I'm waiting.
349
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:24,680
You're right.
350
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,320
I've been really...
351
00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:28,480
-Horrible.
-Horrible.
352
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:29,560
What's the word?
353
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:30,640
-Horrible.
-Horrible.
354
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:32,080
Fucking horrible!
355
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,120
Yes, fucking horrible.
356
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:41,480
So, I'd like to apologize to you all
for my behavior today.
357
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:43,800
Wow!
358
00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,200
Martin, give everyone a pound.
359
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,560
-Brilliant.
-More money?
360
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:51,600
Right, we've got a funeral to go to.
361
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,640
-[all sigh]
-As soon as I've had my hair done.
362
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,880
-What?
-Oh, bloody shit!
363
00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,360
Martin, you don't expect your mother
to stand by a grave
364
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:03,040
-with half-finished hair, do you?
-But, Mum--
365
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,080
-If you'd all like to--
-Sorry, Officer.
366
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,120
You don't have another room
we could use for a few minutes?
367
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:10,400
[Val] Nearly there.
368
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,440
Seriously, can we just go?
369
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,760
-Why can't I get a signal?
-All done.
370
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,200
Thank Christ.
371
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,000
Happy, now, Mrs. Goodman?
372
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,600
Oh, thank you, Valerie!
373
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:21,920
Are you still here?
374
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,160
Sorry, Officer.
We're just leaving.
375
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,280
-All right, Mum?
-[Cynthia] Just a minute!
376
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,440
Well, come on!
377
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,080
She's wearing a bloody hat!
378
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:35,440
[F1 car engines rev]
379
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,480
I've got a signal!
I've got a signal!
380
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,080
[chuckles] I'm a genius!
381
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:40,960
Hurry up, Pissface!
382
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:42,800
[toilet flushes]
383
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:46,040
[screams] Pusface!
384
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:51,760
[Rabbi] "The loving kindness of
the Lord is for all eternity..."
385
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,360
We are so late!
386
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,160
-They're still soaking!
-Oh, shame.
387
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,720
"Who have I in heaven, but you?"
388
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:01,800
Sorry, Rabbi,
389
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,320
my mother was nicked for
smashing up a hairdresser's.
390
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:05,440
Martin!
391
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:08,920
[Rabbi carries on reading]
392
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,120
Who are these people?
393
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:12,400
Don't worry.
All you need to know is
394
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:14,560
that's the poor sod we're
dumping in the ground.
395
00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:15,680
[Jackie] Martin!
396
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:19,320
My poor brother, lying in a coffin!
397
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,720
Let's hope he doesn't try
to eat his way out of it.
398
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:22,800
[chuckles]
399
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,400
-I said--
-He burst a tire! No way!
400
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:27,920
I'm sorry?
401
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:31,360
Uh, nothing, Rabbi.
402
00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:35,960
[Rabbi] "Men seek refuge under
the shadow of your wings
403
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,200
for with you is the fountain of life."
404
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:41,080
Before we lay Saul's body to rest,
405
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:45,960
Saul's nephew, Martin Goodman,
would like to say a few words.
406
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,200
Bugger!
407
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,240
I mean, of course, Rabbi.
408
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,640
-[Adam] Here we go.
-[Jonny] Armageddon.
409
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:53,240
Good luck, Martin.
410
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:55,800
-Don't let your mother down!
-He will.
411
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:58,680
Oh, God!
Where are the bloody things?
412
00:17:58,800 --> 00:17:59,840
Started well.
413
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:05,240
[clears throat]
414
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:09,040
[clears throat loudly]
415
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:14,320
[spits]
416
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,040
Relatives, friends and--
417
00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:20,120
-Shalom!
-[Jackie] Jim?
418
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,480
-[murmuring]
-Oh, God.
419
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,240
Please, sir,
this is a holy place.
420
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:26,400
Yes, my liege. Shalom!
421
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,920
Bleedin' hell! Go on!
422
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,840
Sorry, Rabbi.
[laughs nervously]
423
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,480
Jim, did you follow us here?
424
00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:38,440
-Shalom!
-What are you doing?
425
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:43,040
Wilson and I have come to pay
our respects to the corpse.
426
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:44,640
The carcass.
427
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:48,320
-His name was Saul, Jim.
-Saul Jim.
428
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:49,720
-[balloon pops]
-[Wilson barks]
429
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:51,320
Sorry!
430
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:52,760
[Wilson whines]
431
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,120
-Black balloons?
-Black balloons.
432
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,360
-Mr. Goodman.
-Right, thank you.
433
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:03,680
Relatives, friends, and my mother,
434
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:08,600
we're here to mark the sad passing
of Saul David Epstein--
435
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,880
-Saul Richard Epstein!
-Saul Richard Epstein.
436
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:16,560
Who was born way back in 1928. Uh...
437
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,760
A very special year,
because did you know that was the year
438
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:22,440
they erected the very first
National Grid pylon?
439
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,120
-We knew.
-Pillocks!
440
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:25,560
-[balloon pops]
-[Wilson barks]
441
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:26,840
Sorry!
442
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,680
-Saul David Epstein--
-Richard Epstein!
443
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,160
Oh, God! Richard Epstein.
Saul Richard Epstein
444
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:38,160
suffered a long and terrible
drawn-out illness
445
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:43,600
during which he developed
some pretty horrid bacteria
446
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:45,520
deep inside his gut.
447
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,000
[Adam] He's doing the medical report.
448
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:50,960
Unfortunately, this all led to
a nasty infection
449
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:52,800
in his intestinal regions
450
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:58,440
and subsequent rupture
of the inner lining to his anal glands.
451
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:00,200
-Did he just--
-"Anal glands."
452
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:01,640
And this, in turn,
453
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:05,480
created an enormous build-up
of fecal matter.
454
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:07,040
-Did he--
-"Fecal matter."
455
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:10,200
And since the sphincter
had all but given up,
456
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:14,040
there was effectively a whole
mass of solid waste
457
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,360
leaking back into Saul's bowels.
458
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:19,160
-Uh, Martin--
-Until, bang...
459
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:20,520
-[balloon pops]
-[Wilson barks]
460
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:21,680
Sorry!
461
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,880
...Saul's bowels just exploded.
462
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,000
Only inwardly.
463
00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:31,280
So, if there is one lesson to be
learned from Saul's life,
464
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:35,720
it's that we should all take
much greater care of our health,
465
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:40,240
in particular,
our guts and our anuses.
466
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:43,480
-Martin.
-What?
467
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:47,320
Yes. Well, um, amen.
468
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,080
[all] Amen.
469
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:54,000
Uh, thank you, Mr. Goodman.
Much to ponder about there.
470
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,680
-Really, Martin!
-What were you thinking?
471
00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,320
-What?
-Nice one, Dad. Guts and anuses!
472
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:00,960
It's factually correct.
473
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,080
[prays in Hebrew]
474
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:04,520
Sorry, I'm not missing any more.
475
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:05,880
Jonny!
476
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:09,960
Thank you, gentlemen.
477
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,960
Oh, God.
Dead man in box time.
478
00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:20,280
-And lift.
-Oh, Jesus Christ!
479
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,840
-[coffin creaks]
-[grunting]
480
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:26,320
Hopefully it'll be lighter
when your mother's in it!
481
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:28,760
[undertaker] Slowly, slowly.
482
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,240
[F1 car engines rev]
483
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:33,360
Oh God, my phone!
484
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:35,280
Jonny!
485
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,560
-Turn it off, you idiot!
-I'm trying!
486
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,560
-What's that noise?
-Turn that bleedin' thing off!
487
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:45,480
-I can't reach! Adam, help!
-Oh, God!
488
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,040
-[crashing]
-[grasping]
489
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,520
-Oh, shit on it!
-Oh, my God!
490
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:54,360
-Sorry!
-You shitting, crapping imbeciles!
491
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,280
You've broken the lid!
492
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:57,960
-[Wilson barks]
-[Jim] No, Wilson!
493
00:21:58,800 --> 00:21:59,880
Oh, my God!
494
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,640
No, Wilson, no meat!
495
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,360
-No meat!
-Get that bloody dog away!
496
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,160
Rabbi, he's ravenous!
497
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,640
My poor, poor brother!
498
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:12,560
Well, it's what he would have wanted.
499
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:13,640
Yeah.
500
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:17,000
[♪ theme music playing]
36151
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