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1
00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:04,520
[♪ theme music playing]
2
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-Such a div!
-Shut up!
3
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:40,960
Well, if you liked the girl so much,
why don't you talk to her?
4
00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,480
I can't just talk to her, can I?
And say what?
5
00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:45,320
-"Please, play with my penis"?
-[Adam] Yeah.
6
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:46,840
-Thanks for the advice!
-[doorbell rings]
7
00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:48,160
Just tell her the truth,
you idiot!
8
00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,160
What? "Hello,
I only come to your restaurant
9
00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:52,760
-so I can stare at you"?
-Yeah! Waitresses love that.
10
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:54,480
You know, the silent murderer type.
11
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:55,680
-[Adam groans]
-[door opens]
12
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:57,720
-Hello, bambinos!
-Doctor Bosoms.
13
00:00:57,920 --> 00:00:59,440
-[Adam] Nurse Nipples.
-[chuckles]
14
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:02,000
-Hot tonight, isn't it?
-Oh, stifling!
15
00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:04,760
So, do you want the good news
or the bad news?
16
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:06,880
-Uh, good news.
-Mum's doing lamb.
17
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,360
-Yes! Lamb!
-Skill Magill!
18
00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:11,000
-And the bad news?
-Val's here.
19
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:12,440
-[sighs]
-God!
20
00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,800
In there with your mum.
Been here all bloody day.
21
00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:16,920
-[Adam] What's she been doing?
-Crying, obviously.
22
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:18,560
-Argument with Larry?
-Obviously.
23
00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:19,760
What's this one about?
24
00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:21,920
-Lakes.
-Lakes?
25
00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:23,280
Who argues about lakes?
26
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:27,000
That's what I said.
Rivers, maybe, but lakes?
27
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,040
-[Martin] Ooh!
-[Adam] What?
28
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,600
-Oh, no!
-Oh, it's not today, is it?
29
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,760
It's today.
My annual oiling of the hinges.
30
00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:39,200
-You're still doing that?
-With that stupid old can.
31
00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:40,560
It's not stupid.
32
00:01:40,640 --> 00:01:43,360
And of course, I'm still
doing it. It's my tenth year.
33
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,040
-Your tenth year?
-Happy anniversary!
34
00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:47,920
Cretins! Here, watch this.
35
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[door squeaks]
36
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And now...
37
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[hinges staying silent]
38
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:00,520
Magic!
39
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:01,800
-Tragic!
-[snickers]
40
00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:04,840
-Oh, hi, boys!
-Hi, Mum.
41
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:06,040
-Hi.
-[Jackie kisses]
42
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,760
Dad's in
an exciting mood tonight.
43
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:10,320
Isn't he? Can you put a shirt on
now, please?
44
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:11,560
What?
45
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:13,480
-Ooh! Crumble!
-Leave!
46
00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:16,760
-Jackie, look at this!
-Another one? [sighs]
47
00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:19,400
-And you married this man?
-I think I was drugged.
48
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:21,760
-Ha!
-[Jackie] Oh, boys,
49
00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:24,160
your poor auntie is
in a right state in there.
50
00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,200
-[Adam] Really?
-Has she shot herself yet? [laughs]
51
00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:29,360
It's not funny.
Can you stop eating cream?
52
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,160
She's been having
a really hard time.
53
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,040
Larry's walked out on her!
54
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:35,680
-Larry always walks out on her!
-Maybe he should try running!
55
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,080
Horrible!
56
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,520
-Go on, go and talk to her.
-What?
57
00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:40,720
-Us?
-[Jackie] Yes!
58
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:42,840
Talk to Auntie Val.
It'll cheer her up!
59
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,840
-But, Mum--
-You'll find the axe under the stairs.
60
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:49,520
-[Jonny] Seriously?
-Please! For Mummy.
61
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:51,520
-[groans]
-God!
62
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:53,160
[Jonny] Hey!
63
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:54,560
No!
64
00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,360
-Sympathy face ready?
-[sighs] Ready.
65
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,640
-Hi, Auntie Val.
-Hi, Auntie Val.
66
00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:06,920
Oh, boys.
67
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,600
-Sorry about you and Uncle Larry.
-Yeah.
68
00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:11,440
Oh, thank you.
69
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,360
[sniffs and sobs]
70
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,040
He's a bastard!
71
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:19,560
Um, yeah.
72
00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:22,320
-And a shit!
-Uh-huh. Mum!
73
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:25,120
-A bastard and a shit!
-Mum!
74
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:27,760
-Everything all right?
-We've spoken to Auntie Val.
75
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:28,840
Yep.
76
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,320
You just take it easy.
77
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:33,520
Then we'll all have
a nice bit of lamb.
78
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,840
-Hmm?
-Lamb?
79
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:37,680
[sobs]
80
00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,200
Poor Val!
81
00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:45,720
-Um, Mum, a quick word?
-What? Ooh!
82
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,520
-She's not staying for dinner, is she?
-What? Of course she's staying.
83
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:51,640
-God!
-Mum!
84
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:52,840
-Jackie!
-Oh!
85
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,000
What are you doing in here?
86
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,400
[hinges stay silent]
87
00:03:57,640 --> 00:03:59,680
You'd better not get any of that
on my carpet!
88
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,240
Can I go, now, please?
89
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:04,840
-But, Mum, we're having lamb tonight!
-Yeah, Mum, lamb!
90
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,720
-And?
-We don't want her ruining our lamb
91
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,240
-with all her stupid crying!
-Yeah!
92
00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:11,080
Yeah, Mrs. Three-Bloody-
Nervous-Breakdowns-a-Day!
93
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:12,480
Oh, thank you!
94
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,040
[Val] No! No!
95
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:16,600
-Sorry, four. [chuckles]
-Val?
96
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:20,720
He's only gone and booked two tickets
on the Eurostar to Paris!
97
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,360
-What?
-Oh, Larry!
98
00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:25,080
-What?
-[car horn beeps]
99
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,160
-He's outside!
-Outside?
100
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,360
-We're going now!
-Now?
101
00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,400
-Goodbye!
-Oh!
102
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,320
I'm coming!
I'm coming, I'm coming!
103
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:36,320
You're going to Paris now?
104
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:39,120
He's packed a bag for me.
Can you believe it?
105
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,000
-What about your terrible argument?
-What?
106
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,160
Oh, never mind that!
107
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,560
It's Paris, Jackie! Paris!
[giggles]
108
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,600
Oh, I'm sorry about dinner,
love.
109
00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:49,280
[car horn beeps]
110
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:50,840
I'm coming, Larry!
111
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,280
[laughing]
112
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:55,720
-Bye, then!
-Au revoir!
113
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:00,120
Thank you, Larry!
114
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,680
Those two, they're so romantic!
115
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:04,960
Romantic? They're a pair
of bloody head cases!
116
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,640
-They are quite up and down.
-Oh, but Paris, Martin!
117
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,560
Do you remember
when we went to Paris?
118
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:13,600
Um... Is that when I was sick
after eating that cheese?
119
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:14,960
Glad you remember!
120
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,520
Went all down the back
of the radiator.
121
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:19,720
[Jackie] Val's so lucky.
122
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:23,040
Imagine just booking a weekend
away like that, on a whim.
123
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:25,600
Oh, they'll have
such a lovely time.
124
00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:27,760
-And then come back divorced.
-Fingers crossed.
125
00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:31,120
Larry's always doing mad things like that.
You know, spontaneously.
126
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:34,360
Shame he can't
spontaneously combust! [laughs]
127
00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,200
Well, maybe you could be a bit more
spontaneous sometimes.
128
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:38,880
What are you talking about?
129
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,720
I do spontaneous things,
don't I, boys?
130
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:43,280
You mean like oiling every
single hinge in the house?
131
00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,320
-On exactly the same day every year?
-[Jonny] For the past 10 years.
132
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,360
-[doorbell rings]
-That was a quick divorce!
133
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:50,400
Oh, what's happened now?
134
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:53,200
Oh, I hope she's okay!
135
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,320
-Well, good night!
-[Jackie] Go back to Paris!
136
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,960
-Oh.
-I wasn't in Paris, Jackie!
137
00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:02,080
Oh, sorry, Jim, I thought you were...
138
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,040
Oh!
139
00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:06,880
-[cat meows]
-You thought I was...
140
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,000
Uh...
141
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:09,120
-That's a...
-Cat.
142
00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,200
Yes, Jackie.
No, I was just wondering--
143
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:14,760
-What are you doing with a cat?
-It's my brother's.
144
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,920
He asked me to look after it
while he's in,
145
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,800
well, not prison, but...
146
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,840
-Right.
-And, where's Wilson?
147
00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:25,240
Wilson's at home,
watching his little television.
148
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:26,720
Isn't he?
149
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,520
Look. No, yes,
I was just wondering
150
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:35,800
if you had any milk in the house,
only I've run out.
151
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:38,640
-Uh, sure. Go on, Jonny.
-Go on, Pusface.
152
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:40,760
-[sighs]
-[cat meows]
153
00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:45,880
Um, how are you enjoying
your cat-sitting?
154
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:48,560
Cat-sitting?
155
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,080
-Here.
-Thank you!
156
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,240
Okay.
157
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:13,440
That's better!
158
00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:16,920
-Well, best be off.
-Um, okay.
159
00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:18,240
Come on, Watson!
160
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,960
-[cat meows]
-Watson, come on.
161
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,640
-[cat meows]
-[Jackie] Um...
162
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:25,520
[cat meows]
163
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,600
-Bye, Jim.
-Come on, Watson!
164
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:30,720
Oh, my God.
165
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:34,000
-Boys...
-Martin, Jim just brought a...
166
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,120
-Are you all right?
-Huh?
167
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,800
-What's happened?
-Nothing's happened.
168
00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,360
-Boys, can you come upstairs a second?
-Something's happened.
169
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:44,280
Nothing's bloody happened.
Will you come?
170
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:46,800
-Something definitely happened.
-Just bleeding-well come!
171
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,440
-[Jonny] Dad!
-[Adam] Argh, Dad!
172
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:50,200
-[Jackie] Martin!
-[Jonny] What are you doing?
173
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,120
-Oi, get off!
-[cell phone rings]
174
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:53,640
Oh, Val!
175
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:55,920
[Adam] Can you let go now?
176
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,880
-[panting] I'm a dead man.
-What have you done?
177
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:00,920
A dead man!
178
00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:07,320
Oh, my God!
179
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:11,200
-You've got oil on Mum's carpet!
-I've got oil on Mum's carpet.
180
00:08:12,440 --> 00:08:16,200
-[whines] I've got oil on Mum's carpet!
-How the hell did you do that?
181
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:17,640
How do you think I did it?
182
00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:20,520
I dropped the shitting can,
didn't I?
183
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,320
Oh, you idiot!
184
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:26,040
[breathing heavily]
Your mother cannot see this!
185
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,640
[Jackie laughing in distance]
Oh, Val, you're hilarious!
186
00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:30,360
She will. She will.
187
00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:34,640
Right, cloth. Yes.
188
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:36,480
And?
189
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:39,360
-Yes?
-Uh, "rub the carpet hard."
190
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:40,640
Okay.
191
00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:44,400
-Is this hard enough?
-Maybe harder?
192
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:46,360
[grunts]
193
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,920
Oh, no, sorry.
"Do not rub the carpet hard,
194
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,440
as this may cause lasting damage."
195
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,600
-What?
-They write it so small!
196
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:55,360
-You shitting clot!
-That's it, Dad!
197
00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:56,600
[grunting]
198
00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:58,720
What are we gonna bloody do?
199
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,120
-We'll have to get a man.
-A man?
200
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,120
Yes, a man,
to clean up this crap.
201
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,800
Where am I gonna find a man?
202
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,480
Uh, local paper?
203
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,760
Man. Man. Man.
204
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,400
How are you gonna get the man
into the house without Mum seeing?
205
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,280
Yeah. She does have
these things called eyes.
206
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:20,200
You stupid tit! We'll sneak him in
through the garage.
207
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,400
-Then we'll take your mother out.
-Out?
208
00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:23,720
Yes, or would you rather stay here
209
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,720
and watch your father having
his bollocks chopped off?
210
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:28,160
-Do you really want us to answer that?
-A man!
211
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,760
"Arthur Murray.
Cleaning carpets for 40 years."
212
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,520
-Well, call him.
-Where are we gonna go?
213
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,400
I don't know. A restaurant?
214
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,160
Yes, a restaurant.
Can you call him, please?
215
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,480
-What about our lamb?
-Yeah, our lamb!
216
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,520
Oh, shit on the bloody lamb!
Just call the sodding man!
217
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,920
-Uh...
-Tell him to park his van round the corner
218
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,320
and come in through the garage.
219
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,160
-[Jonny] You won't get rid of that.
-Oh, shut your face!
220
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:53,800
-Hello? Is that Mr. Murray?
-Shh!
221
00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:55,600
-In there!
-Dad!
222
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:57,360
I don't want your mother to hear!
223
00:09:58,360 --> 00:09:59,520
Your brother!
224
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,640
Maybe you should just
tell Mum what happened.
225
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:04,640
-You know, tell the truth.
-The truth?
226
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:07,920
When have I ever told your mother
the truth, you stupid arsehole!
227
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,520
-All right. God!
-[sighs] Come on!
228
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:11,680
So, what restaurant, then?
229
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,240
We'll have to go somewhere Mum likes.
230
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:14,920
Oh, well done, Einstein!
231
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:18,800
-Hurry up!
-Ooh! What about Mario's?
232
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,280
-Mario's?
-Yeah. It's near, it's nice.
233
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:22,960
Yeah. Your mum does like Mario's.
234
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:24,040
So does Adam!
235
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,400
-And he really likes the waitress!
-What?
236
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,840
-Yep, he can do it.
-Oh, thank Christ!
237
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:30,600
He didn't seem very happy.
He kept saying,
238
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,280
"I've got a cold
and haven't had dinner yet."
239
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:33,440
He sounds good.
240
00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:35,480
He'll be here in 20 minutes.
Hundred and fifty quid.
241
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:37,680
-Hundred and fifty quid?
-Yes!
242
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,320
He said at this time of night,
it's double.
243
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:40,560
Double?
244
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,200
Why didn't you bloody haggle?
245
00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:44,280
-Uh, 'cause I don't live in Morocco!
-[sighs]
246
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,360
And now we're all going to Mario's.
247
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:49,560
-Sorry? Mario's?
-The restaurant.
248
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,360
You know, that place
you do all your stalking.
249
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:53,800
-You little--
-Right. Call them, book a table.
250
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,400
Sorry, there's no way
I'm booking a table at Mario's!
251
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,560
It's all right.
I just did it online!
252
00:10:58,640 --> 00:10:59,840
Table for four.
253
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:04,480
-A restaurant?
-Yes.
254
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:05,680
-When?
-Now.
255
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:07,720
Now? What are you talking about?
256
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,560
Adam, could you open
the oven for me, please.
257
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,000
-Sure, Mum.
-No. Jackie,
258
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,720
we are going out to eat.
259
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,160
Um, no, we're not!
We're having lamb!
260
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,160
All right, what is going on?
261
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:24,560
Okay, you know you said
I never do anything spontaneous?
262
00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:26,760
-[Jackie] Yes.
-So, I went and...
263
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,680
spontaneously booked a restaurant.
264
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:29,920
-[Jackie] Did you?
-Yes.
265
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:31,760
Well, can you spontaneously
un-book it, then?
266
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,080
It's Mario's. You like Mario's.
267
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:35,720
Or we could go to another restaurant.
268
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,600
-Shut up!
-But what about the lamb?
269
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:40,120
You've been nagging me about
the lamb all bloody night!
270
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:41,680
We could have lamb at Mario's.
271
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:43,360
They do a lovely lamb,
don't they, boys?
272
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,200
-Ooh, yeah. Lovely!
-Really?
273
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:46,840
I've always found it a bit bland.
274
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,480
-Well, I do like Mario's.
-[Martin] See?
275
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,440
And I could do with a night off,
I suppose.
276
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:52,600
Just what I was thinking.
277
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:55,680
-And Val is having dinner in Paris.
-Exactly.
278
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:59,520
Aw, you really did that spontaneously?
279
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,760
Of course, I did, Jackie.
It's the new spontaneous me!
280
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:06,960
Aw, Martin! [chuckles]
281
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,440
Isn't your dad a sweetie-pie?
[chuckles]
282
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:14,800
Um, no.
He's an awful, awful man.
283
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:16,680
[Jackie] Just going up
to get changed!
284
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:17,840
Okay, love.
285
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:21,960
Oh, shit!
286
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,520
-Martin?
-You can't go in there.
287
00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:30,280
-What?
-[Martin] You can't go in.
288
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:32,920
-[lock clicks]
-[Jackie] What are you...
289
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,480
Can you unlock the door, please?
I want to change my top.
290
00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:39,400
But you look fine as you are,
doesn't she, boys?
291
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,400
-Um, yeah. Fine!
-Fine!
292
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,400
Thank you, but I don't want to
look fine, I want to look nice!
293
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:48,280
You do look nice. In fact, you look
the nicest I've ever seen you--
294
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,080
-What's in the bedroom?
-What?
295
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:51,680
What are you hiding
in the bedroom?
296
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:55,640
[laughing] What am I hiding
in the bedroom?
297
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:57,840
-Can you believe it?
-Martin?
298
00:12:57,920 --> 00:12:59,640
All right, I am hiding
something in the bedroom.
299
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:00,960
-What?
-[Martin] Um...
300
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,000
Boys, would you mind
leaving us a moment?
301
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:05,880
-Uh...
-Okay.
302
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,200
Well?
303
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:13,040
Okay, Jackie,
I wanted the bedroom
304
00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:16,680
to be all special for us later,
you know?
305
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,960
-"All special"?
-[Martin] Mmm.
306
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:22,560
Special. All nice and ready.
307
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:24,240
-[Jackie] Ready?
-Sex ready.
308
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:25,920
[Jackie] Oh, you didn't need
to say that bit!
309
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,720
[Martin] Sorry, Jackie, but honestly,
310
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:29,560
it's all extremely romantic in there.
311
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,320
Aw, Martin!
312
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,480
Okay, boys,
you can come out now.
313
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:37,960
Well, if I'm not allowed
in the bedroom,
314
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,920
you'll just have to get my top for me.
315
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,440
-Sorry?
-The red jumper.
316
00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:44,800
-Really?
-Go on, Dad.
317
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:48,480
[lock clicks]
318
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,480
[Martin shouting angrily]
319
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:55,640
This?
320
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,720
-That's a towel.
-Oh, yeah.
321
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,280
[Martin shouting] Bloody bleeding--
322
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,240
-[Jackie] Look, can't I just--
-Got it!
323
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:06,000
[sighs] Thank you.
324
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,720
Right, I suppose I'd better get changed
in the bathroom.
325
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:12,760
There, my love.
326
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,000
[groans]
327
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,320
-[lock clicks]
-Uh, Dad,
328
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:22,960
the man will be here in ten minutes.
329
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,120
Great.
330
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:27,200
Just enough time for me
to have a massive heart attack!
331
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:31,680
Where is he?
332
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,440
-Where is he?
-I don't think he's coming, Dad.
333
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:37,440
-Yeah, shall I fetch the axe?
-What?
334
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,040
-For your bollocks?
-[laughs]
335
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,160
Idiots!
336
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:43,040
-There he is!
-Quickly!
337
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,640
-Quickly!
-[coughing]
338
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,320
Thanks, Mr. Murray.
Now, listen--
339
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,480
I'm not happy about parking
my van round the corner, you know.
340
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:52,680
Shh!
341
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,800
It's very late
and I've got a lousy cold.
342
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:56,080
[coughs]
343
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,640
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Now, listen, my wife is inside,
344
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:01,640
if she finds out I ruined her carpet,
she will bloody kill me!
345
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,760
How am I gonna clean your carpet
without your wife seeing me?
346
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:07,440
Because we're gonna sneak you in
through this door.
347
00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,920
-Oh, really?
-Yes, then we all go out
348
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:11,400
and you clean the carpet.
349
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:13,760
Oh, okay.
350
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,160
-But I'm not very happy about this!
-Great. Follow me.
351
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,680
[Mr. Murray coughing]
352
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,320
[Jackie] Martin? Boys?
353
00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:27,320
Shit! Mum!
Shit on it! Um...
354
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,720
-In the back of the car.
-Really? The car?
355
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,640
-This is gonna cost you double!
-I'm already paying you double!
356
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,640
Oh. Double-double.
357
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:36,840
[Adam] Sorry!
358
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,880
I thought you were here.
Shall we go?
359
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:44,520
We'll be late.
I don't want to be late.
360
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:45,840
Come on!
361
00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:47,080
[Martin moans]
362
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,840
Do you know what?
I'm actually really hungry.
363
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:02,400
I wasn't at all before.
Now I'm starving!
364
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:07,960
Are you gonna sit there
like a shtummer, or are we gonna go?
365
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:12,480
Um... Sure.
Let's, um... go.
366
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:14,080
-[engine starts]
-[Mr. Murray sneezes]
367
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:16,680
Bless you.
368
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:18,480
[both] Thank you.
369
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:33,400
Come on, Mum.
370
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,880
Just a minute.
Wait for your dad.
371
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:37,600
Ah, he's okay.
372
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:41,320
Martin, are you getting out?
373
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:43,880
I have to check something
in the car.
374
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:45,760
Now? Oh, it's freezing!
375
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,760
No, it's very important, Jackie.
It's the...
376
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,880
central rotary combustion manifold.
377
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:53,280
-The what?
-[cell phone rings]
378
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,240
Oh, Val, again!
379
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:57,400
[in French accent] Madame Valerie?
380
00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,040
[Mr. Murray] I'm not very happy
about this!
381
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:00,800
Get down, you idiot!
Keep down!
382
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:02,640
Can't wait to meet your girlfriend!
383
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,160
-[Adam] Jonny!
-[laughs]
384
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,480
I'm sorry, but I'm getting out
of this car right now!
385
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:08,000
Okay, I'll pay you double.
386
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:09,920
You're already paying me
double-double-double.
387
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,400
Then I'll pay you
double-double-double.
388
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:14,480
-[groans]
-Look, car key, front door key,
389
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:15,680
bedroom key.
390
00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:18,160
Take the car back to the house,
clean the carpet,
391
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:19,760
then bring the car back here,
okay?
392
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:22,080
Take your car and then bring it
back here? Then what?
393
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,000
I walk home? I've had
a bloody hip replacement, you know!
394
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:27,520
Please, Mr. Murray!
I'm a dead man!
395
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,680
Okay, I'll take the car back
to yours and I'll clean the carpet,
396
00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:32,920
but I am not driving back here.
397
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,400
All right! Bloody hell! Leave
the car in the garage, then!
398
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,800
-I still haven't had my dinner.
-Eat anything you want.
399
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:39,480
Eat the banisters, for all I care!
400
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,280
Just clean the frigging carpet!
401
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,400
[sneezes]
402
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:45,240
Shitting shit!
403
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,920
Okay, love. Bon voyage! [laughs]
404
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:52,600
-There you are!
-Sorry, love. All done.
405
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:54,400
What, the central manifold?
406
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:58,320
-Val's almost at the Eurostar.
-Is she?
407
00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,400
[chuckling]
408
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:01,640
-[Jonny] Mum.
-What?
409
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,640
Adam's in love with a waitress here.
410
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:05,080
-Jonny!
-Is he?
411
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:08,680
-No! No, I'm not!
-He's just too scared to talk to her.
412
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:10,960
[screams]
413
00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:13,960
-[laughs]
-Pissface!
414
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:15,720
-Boys!
-Butter-fingers!
415
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:19,080
Now I have to clean this crap up!
Bastard!
416
00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:21,840
-Ow!
-Oh, you stupid berks!
417
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:23,440
[chuckles]
418
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:25,960
So, go on, Jonny, which one is she?
419
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,000
Uh... okay.
420
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,160
[gasps] That one.
421
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:40,400
-Really?
-Yeah. He's mad about her.
422
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:42,360
That's his female?
423
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,080
Hi. Good evening. Would you like
some bread to start?
424
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:48,640
Oh, hello. I'm Jackie, by the way.
What's your name?
425
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:49,720
Linda.
426
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:54,040
Linda. Oh, that's a lovely name,
isn't it? Lovely!
427
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:55,480
Do you have a boyfriend?
428
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:56,600
-[Jackie] Martin!
-Sorry?
429
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,720
Excuse my husband. [chuckles]
430
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,880
-Maybe I'll wait for your other guest.
-Here he is.
431
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:04,920
Hi, Pusface!
432
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:09,320
What?
433
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:13,240
Well, say something!
434
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:14,520
Sorry?
435
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,440
-Go on!
-Yeah, go on!
436
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:20,200
Um, excuse my weird family.
437
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:23,560
[all laughing]
438
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,360
-What is going on?
-So, do you live round here?
439
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,200
Yeah, not too far.
440
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,920
Oh. Did you hear that, Adam?
Not too far.
441
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,200
One minute.
442
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:36,680
[screams]
443
00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:39,680
Um, maybe I'll leave you
to look at the menus.
444
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,640
-You little shit!
-What?
445
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:45,000
She seemed nice.
Okay, she's a little bit older.
446
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,440
-That's not the girl I fancy!
-Isn't it?
447
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,360
No! That's the girl!
448
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,840
-Oh, God.
-And here we go!
449
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:54,480
Um, can I help?
450
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,400
Um, no. Sorry, I was just--
451
00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:00,880
-Is everything okay?
-Yes, sorry about before.
452
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,800
We just got a little mixed up.
453
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:04,400
That's okay.
454
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:07,360
You see, we thought
my son was in love with you,
455
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,840
but he's actually in love with you.
456
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:11,880
-Uh...
-Aren't you?
457
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:15,720
Martin Goodman.
458
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:26,680
The most embarrassing meal
of all time.
459
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,040
It was, wasn't it?
460
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,960
Why didn't you talk to the girl, Bobble?
461
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:34,000
Uh, 'cause I was too busy
thinking of ways to murder my family.
462
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:35,120
Lovely.
463
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:37,640
The man hasn't answered
my texts.
464
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,480
If he hasn't done the bleedin' carpet...
465
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,320
-Uh, Martin.
-Yes, my dear?
466
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,000
Where's your car?
467
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:46,480
Uh...
468
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,840
I just don't understand
why you won't call the police.
469
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:53,440
It's your car, Martin, your car!
470
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:57,040
And I keep telling you, Jackie,
it'll turn up. Cars always do.
471
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:58,480
-Do they?
-Yes.
472
00:20:58,600 --> 00:20:59,640
Um...
473
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,560
Martin, what is your car doing here?
474
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,880
-[Martin] What?
-How is your car here?
475
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,440
See? I told you it would turn up.
476
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:13,080
But... Oh, there's Jim. And Val?
477
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,320
He was meant to put it
in the bloody garage!
478
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,480
So, what do you reckon, Dad?
479
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:18,720
-Nice clean carpet?
-Or bye-bye, bollocks?
480
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:19,840
Oh, God!
481
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:23,280
I was just popping round to see
if you had any more milk
482
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:27,320
when I found your friend here,
sobbing her heart out.
483
00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:30,800
Oh, Val, I thought
you were going to Paris?
484
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:34,280
Jackie, we had such a terrible argument.
485
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,640
All about the euro.
486
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:41,480
[sobs]
487
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,800
-[cat meows]
-That's a cat.
488
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:50,240
Lads!
489
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,200
-[Jackie] Martin?
-Move it!
490
00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:02,400
Oh, dear God, please, please!
491
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:10,120
He did it! Oh! Sweet joy!
492
00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:12,960
Sweet bloody joy!
493
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:15,560
Dad!
494
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,280
Now to make the room all romantic. Uh...
495
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,240
Uh, potpourri.
496
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:22,800
Um...
497
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:25,200
Done!
498
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:26,680
[Jonny] Dad...
499
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,200
-Come on!
-Dad.
500
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:29,440
What?
501
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,120
What's he doing here?
Mr. Murray?
502
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:37,520
[Jonny] Why is he not answering?
503
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:41,840
You don't think he's...
504
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:45,200
Dead!
505
00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:46,880
-God!
-God!
506
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:49,640
I can't believe it!
507
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,040
He said he had a bad cold, but...
508
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:53,960
[Jonny] Must have been a really bad cold!
509
00:22:56,120 --> 00:22:57,480
Well, that's just my luck!
510
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:00,680
-What?
-I book a man to clean the carpet,
511
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,120
he ends up bloody dying on it!
512
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:03,800
-[Jonny] Dad!
-[Martin] Oh, thank you.
513
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:05,640
Thank you very much!
514
00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:07,560
-Uh...
-Oh, my God!
515
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:09,720
What am I gonna tell
your mother, huh?
516
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:11,920
What am I gonna tell
your bleedin' mother?
517
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,040
[Jackie] Martin?
518
00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:15,800
-Shit! Shit!
-[footsteps approaching]
519
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:21,720
What are you doing?
Val's in absolute pieces down there!
520
00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:23,720
Well?
521
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:28,640
Let's go to Paris!
522
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,360
[♪ theme music playing]
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