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[♪ theme music playing]
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[Adam] You mean you actually
paid money for that?
3
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Can we stop talking
about my hair, now, please?
4
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What style did you ask for?
5
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-Tosser.
-Oh, that style.
6
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-[Jackie] That's it, Mum.
-Hi.
7
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-Hi, boys.
-Hello.
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-What's going on?
-Grandma's going to a party.
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I'm going to a party.
10
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-Dressed like that?
-Shh.
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Jackie, are you sure
that I look all right?
12
00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:52,920
Yes, Mum. You look lovely.
13
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-Like an old prostitute.
-[Jonny chuckles]
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I hope there's nice men there.
15
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-[chuckling]
-[Adam] God.
16
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-Well, bye, Mum.
-[engine starts]
17
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Topless massage starts at £60.
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-[Grandma] Bye-bye.
-Oh, Mum, have you got your phone?
19
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Yes, and my rape alarm.
20
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-[groaning]
-[laughs]
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At least she's prepared.
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Please change the subject.
23
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-Jonny's hair?
-Thank you.
24
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-[Martin] Hello, bambinos.
-[both] Hi, Dad.
25
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-[Martin] Oi, turn the light on!
-What style did you ask for?
26
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-I believe they call it tosser.
-[laughs]
27
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[Jonny] Don't touch it.
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[Martin] Turn the shitting light on!
29
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[chuckles]
30
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And hair we go.
31
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-Pissface?
-Huh?
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What are you...
33
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Wait, the...
34
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-The table's set for five.
-Oh, yeah.
35
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Oh, don't tell me there's a bloody guest.
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Yes, there's a bloody guest.
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-[both] Mum!
-What?
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That means we have to
talk to someone else!
39
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Why didn't you tell us
we'd have to talk to someone else?
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Because if I'd have told you
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-you wouldn't come.
-Correct.
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-Farewell.
-Stupid gits.
43
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-Sorry?
-Well, thanks to you,
44
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my bloody hearing aid
went down the toilet.
45
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-Dad!
-Martin!
46
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-Horrible haircut.
-Thank you.
47
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Why is Dad dressed like Oscar Wilde?
48
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-You've noticed, have you?
-I want to make an impression.
49
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-A terrible impression?
-[laughs]
50
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-[Adam] Impression for who?
-Dad's friend's coming.
51
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[both] Dad's friend?
52
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What do you mean, "Dad's friend"?
53
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Dad doesn't have friends.
54
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-That's a horrible thing to say.
-Yes, I do.
55
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We're not being nasty,
but Mum has friends.
56
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-You don't have friends.
-Yeah, Dad.
57
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Rubbish, I have friends.
58
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All right, name one.
59
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-What about dead Neil?
-How about living friends?
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You know, ones that haven't had funerals?
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Okay, the one that's coming tonight, then.
62
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-And his name is?
-Bet he doesn't remember.
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What was the name of my friend again?
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See? Tony.
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Tony, that's it. My friend's called Tony.
66
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-You sound very close.
-Inseparable.
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-We were in digs together.
-And in English?
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They shared a flat at university.
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[muffled] University.
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That's flour you're eating.
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-I know.
-And you've got it
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-all over Val's watch!
-Oh, bloody Val.
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-Just got it mended for her!
-Should get her mended.
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-[towel whipping]
-Ow!
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I'll be in the hall, hanging myself.
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00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:06,000
So, how come you've never mentioned
this Tony fellow before?
77
00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:07,920
What are you talking about,
"never mentioned him"?
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He was one of the two Tonys.
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00:03:09,640 --> 00:03:10,960
The two Tonys?
80
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-[Martin] Yeah.
-Sorry, the two Tonys?
81
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You know, the two Tonys.
82
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When I was at Leeds,
I lived with two boys called Tony.
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00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:19,960
-Boys?
-All right, males.
84
00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:21,680
-Males?
-Tony Sampson
85
00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:23,920
and Tony Michaels, who's coming tonight.
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-Terrific chap.
-Terrific male.
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You know, he could impersonate
the sound of any car engine.
88
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-That's useful.
-And the other Tony?
89
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Oh, he was a right tit.
90
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,440
Told crap jokes and blinked too slowly.
91
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-Blinked too slowly?
-[Martin] So annoying.
92
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How is that annoying?
93
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[speaking slowly]
'Cause he talked like this the whole time.
94
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,080
Oh, yeah. That is annoying.
95
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:43,560
But Tony Michaels,
you give him any engine,
96
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well, apart from Italian cars,
could never do Italian cars.
97
00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:49,120
-We'll bear that in mind.
-Haven't seen him for 30 years.
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Got in touch via the computer.
99
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-Also known as e-mail.
-[chuckles]
100
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-I do hope we still get on.
-Of course you'll still get on.
101
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I'm suddenly all nervous.
[chuckles nervously]
102
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[chuckles] Don't be so soppy.
103
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-Thanks, love.
-[doorbell rings]
104
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Oh, my God! It's Tony!
It's Tony at the door!
105
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-Tony's here!
-It's okay, Martin. Calm down!
106
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[Martin] Yeah, calm down. Calm down.
107
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[muffled] Calm down.
108
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[doorbell rings]
109
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-Well, open it.
-I don't look too old, do I?
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-For what?
-Intercourse with the man?
111
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[groaning]
112
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Martin Goodman, as I live and breathe!
113
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[chuckles]
114
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Shall I come in,
or are you closed on Fridays? [chuckles]
115
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Sorry, won't be a moment, Tony.
You just take a seat.
116
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-[chuckling] Why, don't you want it?
-[chuckles awkwardly]
117
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Do help yourself to a nut.
118
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I'm nutty about nuts. [laughs]
119
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Please tell me you haven't done
what I think you've done.
120
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,640
-It's the wrong Tony.
-Oh, Martin!
121
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,760
-[Jonny] The wrong Tony?
-The wrong Tony?
122
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Why are you such a--
123
00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:08,920
What am I going to do?
That's bloody Tony Michaels.
124
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You said you liked Tony Michaels.
125
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:12,880
No, I thought he was Tony Sampson.
126
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:15,240
I must have got
their shitting surnames mixed up.
127
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,720
-What?
-Tony Michaels got in touch.
128
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,800
I thought he was the one I liked
and Tony Sampson
129
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-was the one I didn't like.
-Right.
130
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:24,320
But it was Tony Michaels I didn't like
and Tony Sampson I did like.
131
00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:27,360
-You forgot who you liked?
-Yes.
132
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:29,480
So, you invited the one you didn't like?
133
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Yes, that's bloody blink face, isn't it?
134
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So, I've just spent all day
135
00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:34,840
making dinner
for a man you can't stand?
136
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[sniffs] Toilet?
137
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,360
Oh, you are such a bleeding idiot!
138
00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,760
-You really are.
-Well, don't blame me.
139
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Blame my brain.
140
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So, what are we going to do?
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-We? We're off.
-See ya!
142
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You are not going anywhere.
You are going to stay here
143
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and see this terrible, awful,
terrible night through.
144
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[both] But, Mum!
145
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,520
Maybe we could say there's been
a mix-up or something.
146
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Good idea.
"Sorry, you're not the right Tony.
147
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-You're the Tony our dad hates."
-Yes. We'll do that.
148
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:01,440
[Tony] Uh, anyone still alive? [laughs]
149
00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,680
[Jackie laughing awkwardly] Coming!
150
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,360
Okay, we'll just have to go out there
and be...
151
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:07,440
-pleasant.
-Pleasant?
152
00:06:07,640 --> 00:06:09,240
-Come on!
-[Martin sighs]
153
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,800
And I wanted the man who did the engines.
154
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:17,040
I thought you were all trying to escape!
[laughs]
155
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No, just doing your flowers.
156
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Doing my flowers?
Oh, sounds painful. [laughs]
157
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Once again, lovely to see you, Tony.
158
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And does that mean I go now? [laughs]
159
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Please?
160
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-Martin, why don't you sit down?
-What?
161
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-Yes, next to your friend.
-Yeah, your friend.
162
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Ah.
163
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-So--
-"Sew," as the dressmaker said
164
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to the bishop. [laughs]
165
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:44,120
Um, you sure I can't take your bag?
166
00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:47,600
Uh, no, thank you, Jackie.
I need somewhere to keep me gun. [laughs]
167
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Tony, did you know our dad's been
talking about you all week?
168
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Nothing that'll get me arrested,
I hope! [laughs]
169
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It's been pretty much nonstop,
hasn't it, Mum?
170
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Oh, yes. Nonstop.
171
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Oh, it's really smashing
to see you again, mate.
172
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After all these years!
173
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And, now, here you are!
174
00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:08,480
Your lovely house with your lovely wife
and your two sons.
175
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:12,640
I tell you, someone left university,
got straight down to bedroom business.
176
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Leeds University!
177
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Yeah.
178
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:20,440
Uh, Jackie, do you mind if I use
your little girls' room?
179
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What? Oh, of course.
It's just out there, on the right.
180
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Thank you.
181
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:29,080
Don't miss me too much. [chuckles]
182
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-Tit.
-Tit.
183
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,840
-Okay, will you please stop it?
-Stop what?
184
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,320
What are you talking about?
185
00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,360
This is a shitting nightmare!
186
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:43,520
-Not for us, it's not.
-Nope. It's like a beautiful dream.
187
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:45,960
I can't have bloody tortoise-blink
in my house.
188
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-I've got to get rid of him.
-He seems... all right.
189
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:53,040
-He seems all wrong.
-Jackie, I don't like him, okay?
190
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:54,680
-No one liked him.
-Why not?
191
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:57,080
Oh, I don't know.
It was a long time ago.
192
00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:58,640
People used to say things about him.
193
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,200
-What things?
-I can't remember, can I?
194
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,840
[whispering] He wasn't like a pedophile
or something?
195
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,720
-Of course he wasn't a pedophile.
-A Nazi?
196
00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:08,880
-Jonny!
-A Nazi pedophile?
197
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,440
-[doorbell rings]
-That'll be Val for her watch.
198
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:13,880
-Go on, boys.
-Great night.
199
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,120
[Jonny groans]
200
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:16,600
Ooh!
201
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,720
-[stutters] Hello, boys.
-[both] Hi, Jim.
202
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:24,760
-Is your mother in?
-Um, she's a bit busy at the moment.
203
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,280
It is an emergency situation.
204
00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:28,640
Is it?
205
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:32,600
[both sighing] Mum!
206
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:34,960
Hi, Val.
207
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:38,000
-Val?
-Oh, hello, Jim.
208
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,800
[Adam] It's an emergency situation.
209
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,840
-Everything all right, Jim?
-Not really, Jackie.
210
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:44,800
It's just, my oven's broken.
211
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:48,640
-Right.
-Wilson ate the knobs.
212
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,960
Oh, dear. So...
213
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:57,120
Would you mind cooking
this little bit of fish for me?
214
00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,920
-Little?
-Really, Jim?
215
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:02,960
Yes. If we don't cook it tonight,
Jackie, it'll go all bad,
216
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:08,040
-and then it'll get infested with weevils.
-Weevils?
217
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:11,520
Okay. How do you like it?
218
00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:14,480
-Normal, just sugar and butter.
-[Tony] Oh!
219
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:18,120
[chuckles] Do I smell something fishy?
220
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,680
Hello again. Jim, this is Tony.
221
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,240
-[Jackie] He's an old friend of--
-Psst!
222
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:26,480
Um, one second, Tony.
223
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,680
Yes, one second, Tony.
224
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,080
Not you.
225
00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:32,600
[Tony] Oh, a horse! [laughs]
226
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,480
-Jackie!
-Great, so, now I'm cooking a whale.
227
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:37,400
-With sugar and butter.
-Normal.
228
00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:40,360
-Jackie!
-[Jackie] What do you want?
229
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,320
-I've got an idea.
-About what?
230
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:43,640
What do you mean, "About what"?
231
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,680
-About how to get rid of pillock face.
-[Jackie groans]
232
00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:48,400
What are you going to do?
Pretend to have a stroke or something?
233
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,200
-How did you know?
-[Jackie] Martin!
234
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:52,880
You are not going to pretend
to have a bloody stroke!
235
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,480
-Found you!
-[chuckles]
236
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,160
Oh, what a lovely dog.
237
00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:01,160
-I've just had him with chips. [chuckles]
-[chuckles awkwardly]
238
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:05,760
Tony, um, I'm really sorry, but, uh...
239
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,600
something terrible has just happened.
240
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:13,520
Don't tell me the Pope's
had twins again? [laughs]
241
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,120
Oh, well, what's happened?
242
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,280
We've just had a phone call...
243
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:24,000
Jackie's mother's died.
244
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:28,240
My God.
245
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,000
She's completely dead.
246
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:38,800
I really am so, so sorry.
247
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,680
Oh, that's okay, Tony.
248
00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,480
Yeah, that's okay, Tony.
249
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:46,280
[Tony] It's so awful for you, Jackie.
250
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:48,280
How did she die?
251
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,200
-Tell him, Dad.
-[Jonny] Go on.
252
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:54,880
She...
253
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,160
-fell.
-She fell?
254
00:10:58,160 --> 00:10:59,840
-[Jackie] Mm-hmm.
-Oh, dear.
255
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,720
-Down seven flights of stairs.
-[chuckles]
256
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:10,240
She had seven flights of stairs
in her house?
257
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:13,920
-It was a big house.
-Very big house.
258
00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:16,680
-In Florida.
-[Tony] Florida's so far away.
259
00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:18,000
I know.
260
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:20,560
I just don't know what to say.
261
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:24,560
Well, I suppose you'll probably be
wanting to get off now, Tony.
262
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:26,240
What, and leave you here like this?
263
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,200
-Yeah, but--
-If it's any consolation, Jackie,
264
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:31,240
I lost my mother some months ago, and...
265
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:37,400
And, my God, do I miss her
every second of every day!
266
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:39,360
[sobs]
267
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,600
-[moans]
-[Jackie mouthing]
268
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:46,400
Come now, Tony.
It's okay, it's okay.
269
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,840
[sniffs] No,
I've got to be strong tonight.
270
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,000
I've got to be here for you.
271
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:54,360
All of you.
272
00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:57,200
Oh, thank you, Tony.
273
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,240
I'll pop the kettle on.
274
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,520
-Good one, Dad.
-Great work.
275
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,280
-My mother died?
-[sniffs]
276
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:12,920
-Hmm?
-How could you say my mother died?
277
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:14,560
Well, I had to say something, didn't I?
278
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:16,960
-No, you didn't.
-Why didn't you say your mother died?
279
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,120
Uh, because my mother's
already dead.
280
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,200
Oh, no, she's still living, I forget.
281
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,040
-Seven flights of stairs?
-What about it?
282
00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:26,960
-She lives in a bungalow!
-All right, so I said the wrong thing.
283
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:28,480
The wrong thing?
284
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:31,760
Now we'll have to spend
the whole bloody night "grieving"!
285
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:34,200
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
My brain must have--
286
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:38,280
-Will you stop blaming your bloody brain?
-All right, I'll sort it out.
287
00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:43,160
-God! I'll just say--
-Martin, do not say another bloody--
288
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:47,600
Won't be long.
289
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:49,600
Just brewing.
290
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,800
[whimpers] Thank you.
291
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:56,640
Actually, Tony, it wasn't
seven flights of stairs.
292
00:12:58,560 --> 00:12:59,560
It was six.
293
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:07,560
Nonsense, Jackie.
294
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:11,960
What you need, what you all need,
is a good hot meal.
295
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,600
I am only too happy to help.
296
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,800
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
297
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,280
Sorry, Martin, mate.
298
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:23,120
Um, yes, I was just saying,
they're flying the body over tomorrow
299
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:28,520
and then we have to collect it
from the military airport.
300
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,840
-Military airport?
-No. Normal airport.
301
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:35,640
-I think we need some more vegetables.
-Oh, no, no, no.
302
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:39,120
I'll do it.
Reporting for vegetable service, ma'am.
303
00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:42,080
[chuckles]
304
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,200
Definitely getting tittier.
305
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:46,080
-[doorbell rings]
-[Tony] I'll get it.
306
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:47,920
Oh, God, who's that?
307
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:51,080
-Hopefully a man with a machete.
-[Jim] Hello, all!
308
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,160
-Oh, Jim.
-Oh, shit.
309
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:54,760
And I haven't cooked his bloody fish.
310
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,400
Shame. That would have solved everything.
311
00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:00,720
-[Martin groaning]
-Martin, do you have to eat like a pig?
312
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,920
Jackie, the quicker we eat,
the quicker he'll go.
313
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,600
-It's your neighbor.
-Friend.
314
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,560
-Hi, Jim.
-Jackie, I've only just heard
315
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:18,160
-your terrible news.
-Have you?
316
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:23,320
Wilson and I send our deepest...
Deepest commiserations.
317
00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:25,360
-Don't we, Wilson?
-Thanks, Jim.
318
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,120
If it makes you feel any better,
319
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,800
my father also fell to his death.
320
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:34,080
-What? Oh, God. I'm sorry.
-He fell from a towel.
321
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:35,760
A towel?
322
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:38,880
No, not towel, tower.
323
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:41,160
He fell from a tower?
324
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,800
What was he doing up a tower?
325
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:50,040
Not much, mostly just falling off it.
326
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,960
-Right.
-I still have his watch.
327
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:55,720
Have you? Oh, that's...
328
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:00,720
nice.
329
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:05,440
Uh... I think that now
maybe's not the best time...
330
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:08,280
Yeah, cos of, you know...
331
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:11,000
Your mother
who plummeted to her death?
332
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,320
-Yes, Jim.
-I understand.
333
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:17,680
Come on, Wilson.
334
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:19,840
Oh, Jackie,
did you by any chance
335
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:22,160
manage to cook my little fishy?
336
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:25,640
-Little fishy?
-Um, not yet.
337
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,320
Of course. It's just that, you know...
338
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:32,080
-The weevils.
-The weevils.
339
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:33,520
Come on, Wilson.
340
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,040
Come on.
341
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:40,160
I'm telling you now, Martin,
I can't take much more of this.
342
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,280
-Oh, I can.
-Me too. Much more.
343
00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:45,560
-What a nice chap.
-Very.
344
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:48,000
[Tony] Actually,
if you don't mind, Jackie,
345
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:52,120
I've been thinking perhaps
I could say a little prayer
346
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:54,760
for your mother,
um, if that's all right.
347
00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:56,320
-Um--
-Thank you.
348
00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:01,400
Oh, God, who art in heaven...
349
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:05,520
please have mercy upon the soul of...
350
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,640
Sorry, Jackie,
what was your mother's name?
351
00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:11,960
-Um, Nellie Buller.
-[Tony] What a lovely name.
352
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:18,560
Nellie Buller.
May you guide her, may you look over her
353
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,880
and may you comfort
all those who knew her...
354
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,640
[groans] Oh! God!
355
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,600
♪ Oh, Lord, we thank you ♪
356
00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:40,640
♪ For the lifeOf our beautiful grandmother ♪
357
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:44,760
♪ She was such a kind lady ♪
358
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:48,320
♪ And we loved her so much ♪
359
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,920
♪ She was so wonderful ♪
[clicks fingers]
360
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:55,320
♪ And tender too ♪
361
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:56,640
Come on!
362
00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:59,280
-I'm sorry. [cries]
-Jackie...
363
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,880
Well, finish the song.
364
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:15,800
[sniffling] It's just all too much,
the sympathy, the prayers.
365
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:17,960
It's like she really died.
366
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,400
I know, love, I know.
367
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,600
[voice wavering]
I'm very emotional right now.
368
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:24,720
I understand, Jackie. I'm-- [sighs]
369
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:28,600
It's an emotional time for anyone,
the death of a parent.
370
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,120
Martin, you do know
my mother hasn't actually died?
371
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:35,360
Yeah, of course I do. Um...
372
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,240
But if you could just
keep this thing going
373
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,920
-just a tiny bit longer, then...
-What?
374
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:41,920
-Auntie Val's here.
-Really?
375
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,720
-Oh, bloody Val.
-You didn't say anything about Grandma,
376
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:46,160
-did you?
-[Adam] No.
377
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:47,960
But Dad's non-friend did.
378
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:50,000
-Great.
-And now she's crying.
379
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,880
I can't believe it.
380
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,600
I only saw her last week.
She seemed fine.
381
00:17:56,680 --> 00:18:00,480
Oh, Jackie, I'm so sorry.
382
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:01,800
It's okay, love.
383
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:04,600
Seven flights of stairs.
384
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,320
-Actually, it was six.
-[chuckles]
385
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:08,760
Why is he laughing?
386
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:10,240
-Nerves.
-Nerves.
387
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:13,360
-Maybe we should...
-Of course, love, of course.
388
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:18,600
Wait! I thought your mother
lived in a bungalow.
389
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,520
-She moved.
-[Val] What? When did she move?
390
00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:23,400
Why don't you guys
just have a sit down?
391
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:27,760
Time to reflect and all that.
I'll just finish clearing up.
392
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:29,720
-Really?
-Oh, "Absolution,"
393
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,240
said the bishop to the priest. [chuckles]
394
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:35,000
-[door closing]
-He may be a tit, but he's a helpful tit.
395
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:36,160
Very helpful tit.
396
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:38,840
Your mother's really not very
happy with me at the moment.
397
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,120
[scoffs] I wonder why.
398
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:43,360
Because I told the man
her mother died, you moron!
399
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:44,480
God, Adam!
400
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,320
Maybe I should have just said
she was paralyzed.
401
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:49,000
-Yeah, that would have been much better.
-Or lost an arm, or something.
402
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:50,240
What a nice thought.
403
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:54,360
-Hello, boys.
-Um, hi, Auntie Val.
404
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:55,480
Hi, Auntie Val.
405
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:58,040
Um, would you like
another tissue, Valerie?
406
00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:00,600
You do know Jackie
is in bits up there?
407
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:02,440
Sorry to disturb you.
408
00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:06,400
I-- I was just thinking that,
um, maybe it's best if I go now.
409
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,120
Well, goodbye, Tony.
410
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,640
-Oh.
-Thanks so much for coming. [chuckles]
411
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:13,240
-What's going on?
-Tony's going.
412
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,720
-Really?
-Uh, yeah, Jackie, I think it's best.
413
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:17,120
-It's best.
-Martin!
414
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:18,520
Oh, such a shame.
415
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:20,400
Are you sure
you won't stay a bit longer?
416
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,360
-Thanks, but...
-Or a lot longer?
417
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:23,640
Tony's very tired.
418
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:26,600
Well, thank you so much,
Tony, for everything.
419
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:30,160
No, no, don't thank me.
Thank my psychiatrist. [laughs]
420
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:32,600
Uh, and don't forget
your precious bag.
421
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:38,040
Oh, oh, yes, yes, and my precious gun.
[laughs] Hey!
422
00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:40,560
No, seriously, I'm just so sorry
423
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,480
that it's been such a tough night
for all of you.
424
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,640
Thanks, uh, Tony,
and goodbye, me old mate. [sighs]
425
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:50,560
Oh, hello! [chuckles]
I was just about to ring the bell.
426
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:56,840
I've had such a lovely evening.
A man said I had beautiful skin.
427
00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,280
Oh, hello.
428
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:03,080
-I don't think I know you.
-I'm Tony, Tony Michaels.
429
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:05,720
Oh, nice to meet you, Tony.
I'm--
430
00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:07,160
Mrs. Whittaker.
431
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,520
-Sorry?
-Mrs. Whittaker. This is Mrs. Whittaker.
432
00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:11,160
Well, hello there, Mrs. Whittaker.
433
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:13,320
-She lives down the road, don't you?
-The road?
434
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,440
-Right, well, Tony...
-I'm Mrs. Whittaker?
435
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:18,280
-[both] Yes.
-Yes, she forgets things sometimes.
436
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,360
-Um, Tony--
-What's happening?
437
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,840
-Um...
-It's all right, love, um...
438
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:26,880
Jackie's mother sadly died tonight, so...
439
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,760
Died? I'm not dead.
440
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:32,240
-I'm sorry?
-Okey dokey.
441
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,680
-I'm not dead, am I, Jackie?
-No, Mum!
442
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:42,920
Oh. Right.
443
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:48,080
I see. Yeah. I get it.
444
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,520
-Tony...
-What is going on?
445
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,200
Thanks, Martin. Yeah.
446
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,840
-Thank you very much.
-Tony, please.
447
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,800
I thought you were my friend.
448
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,200
Oh, well done, Jackie.
449
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:13,640
-I'm sorry?
-Well, it was all going
450
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,440
so smoothly until you opened your mouth.
451
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,040
Smooth-- Smoothly?
452
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:19,640
-I'm getting a drink.
-Me too.
453
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,120
-You're blaming me? Me?
-[Grandma] Am I still Mrs. Whittaker?
454
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:25,880
No, Mum!
I can't believe you, Martin!
455
00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:27,480
-[Adam] Um, Mum?
-What?
456
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:29,240
-Where are the candlesticks?
-What?
457
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,400
-The candlesticks have gone.
-The candlesticks have gone?
458
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,160
What do you mean,
the candlesticks have gone?
459
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:34,240
[Adam] They're not there.
460
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,240
Oh, I remember what
they used to say about Tony.
461
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,080
How can they be gone?
462
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,800
-He was a thief!
-What?
463
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:41,080
I'm sorry?
464
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:43,040
-I knew I'd remember!
-Is everything all right?
465
00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:45,520
Yes, he used to steal from everyone!
466
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:48,000
-Adam, check the living room.
-Okay, Mum.
467
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:49,720
-Jonny, check the kitchen.
-[Jonny] All right.
468
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,920
Val, take my mother through
to the living room,
469
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:53,760
-will you?
-Sure, love. Come on, Nellie.
470
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:57,080
And, Martin, you do know
that I will murder you later?
471
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:58,640
What, my brain!
472
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,640
Mum, he's taken the gold clock.
473
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:02,320
-The gold clock?
-Shit on it!
474
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,120
-And Auntie's watch.
-Oh, shit on it!
475
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:07,240
We tell him my poor mother dies
and this is what he does to us?
476
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:08,880
-[doorbell rings]
-[groans]
477
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,280
No, it's a terrible time, Jim.
478
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:14,480
I just wondered
if you'd cooked my--
479
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,600
The guy who was here
was a thief, okay?
480
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:18,400
Keep looking, everyone.
481
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:21,040
Oh, dear. Did he take my fishy?
482
00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:23,080
Oh, pigs' bosoms, my wallet's gone!
483
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:24,200
-And mine!
-And mine!
484
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,840
-Right, I'm calling the police.
-So soon after
485
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,040
your mother's horrific death.
486
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:30,560
Uh, yes.
487
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:35,080
-What's that?
-Pudding.
488
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,960
Right. Police, please.
489
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,720
-Jackie--
-Not now, Jim.
490
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:43,240
I did see the man in his car, just now.
491
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:44,360
I'll hold.
492
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:46,640
He'd just broken down in the road.
493
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,800
-What?
-He's just next door.
494
00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,720
Wrong number. Right, I'm having that.
495
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,000
You're not going to hit him
round the head with it, are you?
496
00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:58,280
No. I'm going to shove it up his arsehole.
497
00:22:58,360 --> 00:22:59,600
Oh, I'm definitely watching this.
498
00:22:59,680 --> 00:23:02,200
-Yes, please.
-Boys, be careful.
499
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,680
-Oh, God!
-Jackie, wait!
500
00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:08,640
What's going on?
501
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,680
[gasps] Phantom!
502
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:16,680
Just get off me!
503
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,520
Shitting, slow-blinking,
thieving bastard!
504
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:21,160
-Get off me!
-Keep still!
505
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:22,880
-Dad!
-What are you doing?
506
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:24,040
Pass me the pineapple.
507
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:25,400
-Dad!
-Martin!
508
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:28,800
[screaming] Pass me the pineapple!
509
00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:32,200
[♪ theme music playing]
38114
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