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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,560 -You all right, Grandma? -Thank you, dolly. 2 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:50,040 Yes, they certainly gave it a good style. 3 00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:51,480 Please keep talking about your hair. 4 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:52,560 Until we die. 5 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:56,040 I must admit, I do like a curl. 6 00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:57,120 I've just died. 7 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,440 To be honest, Andre is so good with his hands, 8 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,680 I let him do whatever he wants to me. 9 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:07,040 -And that's why she's now pregnant. -What? 10 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:08,800 We're home now, Grandma. 11 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:14,360 Hello? 12 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:15,920 Oh, hello, bambinos. 13 00:01:16,480 --> 00:01:20,120 165 multiplied by, uh... 14 00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:22,560 Hello, Martin. 15 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:25,400 67.3... 16 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:32,400 24,560... 17 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:34,080 Warm welcome. 18 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:37,960 I think I just swallowed a chest hair. 19 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,760 -Hi, Mum. - Hi, boys! 20 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:43,880 Jon-Jon, have you ever thought of having a perm? 21 00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:46,320 -Not really, Grandma. -It's a shame. 22 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,160 I think you'd look very pretty. 23 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,040 Aw, wouldn't he? 24 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:54,600 Now, let me show you what they did. 25 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,760 - Really? -Um, I think we've done hair now. 26 00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:58,160 - Yeah. -Oh. 27 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,240 -Hi, Mum. -Hi, boys. 28 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,200 - Hi. 29 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:03,880 -Where's Grandma? -In the hall. 30 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,200 -Examining herself. -What? 31 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:07,880 And what's with Dad and his calculator? 32 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:10,280 Bloody thing. He won't stop playing with it. 33 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:11,560 A calculator? 34 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,240 Last night he worked out how many times he goes to the loo in a month. 35 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:15,440 Excellent, how many? 36 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:17,280 You really don't want to know the answer. 37 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,400 Hmm. 38 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:20,720 Adam, can you remember something for me? 39 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,720 -What? -26,243. 40 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,280 Okay, and... instantly forgotten. 41 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:28,680 -Hello? Jackie! -There you are! 42 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:31,080 -You all right, Mum? -Yes. 43 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:34,200 -These are for you. -Oh, they're gorgeous! 44 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:37,000 Yes, they were very reasonable, because they were old. 45 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:38,560 Right. 46 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:42,520 -Do you like my new style? -It's lovely, Mum, come through. 47 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:45,840 I mean, who needs computer games when you've got one of these? 48 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:51,680 -Did you have your hair done? -I did, actually. 49 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:54,760 I think you should change hairdressers. 50 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,800 -Martin, get me a drink. -Gin and tonic? 51 00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:58,400 -No. -Oh, no, that's for when you're-- 52 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,000 - Depressed. -Thank you. 53 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,800 Wait, I bought you all some bubbly. 54 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,640 -Oh, thanks, Mum. -Yeah, thanks, Grandma. 55 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,600 -Bubble, bubble, bubble! -Adam, glasses. 56 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:11,560 Your humble servant. 57 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:16,160 - Ow! -Boys. 58 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:18,800 What's the occasion? 59 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:22,120 -I'm just very happy at the moment. -Are you? 60 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:23,400 Yes, I am. 61 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:27,600 Martin, isn't life wonderful? 62 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:28,800 Well, not really. 63 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:31,680 Did you read about that man who beheaded all those horses? 64 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:33,280 Terrible. 65 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:35,120 Your ladyship. 66 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,440 -Done it! -Done what? 67 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:38,520 My calculation. 68 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:42,000 -It's not toilet maths again, is it? -No, it's not toilet maths. 69 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,600 Listen to this. Did you know 70 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,600 that your mother and I have known each other 71 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:51,920 for exactly 13,746,640 minutes? 72 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,720 -Do you know, I did not know that. -Nor I. 73 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,680 Oh, how sweet. 74 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,040 Very sweet. 75 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:02,640 But we've only been physically intimate with each other for-- 76 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,040 Please don't work that one out. 77 00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:06,560 - Carry on, Mum. - Yes, well... 78 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,120 I've sort of got something to tell you all really. 79 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:12,960 -Okay. -Definitely pregnant. 80 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,120 It's quite big. 81 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:16,240 What is it? 82 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:20,320 -I'm in love! 83 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:21,680 -Martin! -Sorry. 84 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,280 -In love? -With a man. 85 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:25,400 A tramp. 86 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:29,400 Wow! That's... ...great, Mum, really. 87 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,600 You-- You deserve to be happy. 88 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:33,040 Thank you, dolly. 89 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:36,200 Yeah, especially after that horrible man you brought round. 90 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:40,400 -You mean Lou? Lou Morris? -Yes, Mr Morris. 91 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,920 -God, Mr Morris. -The angriest man in the world. 92 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,240 Now, he was a bleeding loony! 93 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,000 -He was not a loony. -Well, he drove into the front door. 94 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,520 -Chased me round the bloody house. -With his tits hanging out. 95 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:51,600 Jon-Jon! 96 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:53,280 Tell them, Jackie. 97 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:56,880 Mum, he was still married when he was seeing you. 98 00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,800 Actually, his wife died not long ago. 99 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:02,600 She was 94. 100 00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:05,360 -Poison was it? 101 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,200 Sorry, Mum. 102 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:11,280 But the good thing is that now you've found someone you really like. 103 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:12,800 -Yeah. -Yeah. 104 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:14,520 Who is it? 105 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:17,880 Well, actually, I invited him round for dinner. 106 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,720 -Really? 107 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:22,000 -Yes. -So, who is this chap, then? 108 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:25,560 Mr Morris. 109 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:34,160 Oh, yes, it really is wonderful to be back in your delightful home 110 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:36,400 with your equally delightful family. 111 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:37,880 Ooh! 112 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:39,720 -Well, it's... -Hideous. 113 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,240 -...lovely to see you, too. - Oh, and, uh... 114 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:43,960 I brought you a little something. 115 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,040 Condoms. 116 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:47,280 -Here. - What is it? 117 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,360 It's a photo of me as a youth. 118 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:51,640 - Isn't it wonderful? -Yes. 119 00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:54,240 You see, I was a very good-looking young man. 120 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:57,720 Much more good-looking than those two. Ew! 121 00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,440 -Thank you. -Yes, thank you. 122 00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:02,960 -Lovely, I'll put it-- -In the incinerator. 123 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,000 Try it on the mantelpiece. 124 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:10,360 Okay, on the mantelpiece. 125 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:13,160 It looks really good up there. 126 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,480 Yes, I was a handsome man. 127 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:17,440 A real Beau Brummell, I was. 128 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:21,000 -What was I, Nelly? -A real Beau Brummell. 129 00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:24,560 You see these men on TV these days calling themselves Beau Brummells. 130 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:25,680 -Do you? - Yes! They're not Beau Brummells. 131 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:30,000 They don't deserve to be called Beau Brummells, do they? 132 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:34,040 Um, Nelly told us the sad news about your wife. 133 00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:35,280 She died. 134 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,560 -We are sorry. -Yeah. 135 00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:40,200 Well, what can you do? It happens to all of us. 136 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:43,360 I mean, your boys'll be dead in... 137 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:46,960 -Him, 60 years. -Good to know. 138 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:49,560 -Him, 65 years. -I win. 139 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:50,800 You're wrong. 140 00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:54,160 You can never win against death. 141 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:57,320 Well, cheers, everyone! 142 00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,320 -Lou... -What? 143 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,560 -That thing... -Oh, yeah. 144 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:17,280 "I would like to formally apologise to the entire Goodman family 145 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:21,000 for the..." I can't read your bloody writing! 146 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:24,280 Oh, yeah. "Really awful behaviour 147 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:29,960 I exhibited when I last came to your lovely house." 148 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:32,560 Done. 149 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:35,880 Isn't that nice of Lou? 150 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,080 Very moving. 151 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,480 I don't remember what I did, but I hear it wasn't appreciated. 152 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:42,920 -You called us a "bunch of penises". -Martin. 153 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,160 I called you a "bunch of penises"? 154 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:48,480 Well, I should wash my mouth out with soap and water. 155 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,520 Um, the bathroom's just down there. 156 00:07:50,680 --> 00:07:53,720 But thank God I'm a completely changed man 157 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:57,280 and it's all thanks to your wonderful grandmother. 158 00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,120 -Look. -Oh! 159 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:05,920 Oh. 160 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:07,840 Raw passion that is. 161 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,840 -I'm gonna find some new batteries. -I think we've run out. Excuse me, everyone, I must spend a penny. 162 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:15,600 Of course, my darling. 163 00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:19,480 Oh, what a body. 164 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,440 Um... One moment. 165 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,760 -This way, Mum. -Jackie? -Okay, what is going on? -What? 166 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:38,320 -Mum, he's still a nutjob. -A nutjob? 167 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,400 No, Jackie, he's changed. 168 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:42,760 Into a bigger nutjob. 169 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:46,440 -Oh, it's just a bit of fun. -Just a bit of fun? 170 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,040 You're 80, Mum, 80! 171 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:52,320 Look, I've got everything under control. 172 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:55,280 -Including his temper? -Yes. 173 00:08:55,600 --> 00:09:01,320 Whenever Lou gets angry now, he just shuts himself in the car and screams. 174 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:03,480 He screams in the car. 175 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:07,320 Jacqueline, you should be happy for me. 176 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:11,640 -I'm a sexually satisfied woman. -Okay. 177 00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:14,680 Come on. 178 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,720 -What's happening? 179 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:23,880 All I said was I didn't really like coffee. 180 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:24,960 What? 181 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:32,440 It's just a bit of fun. 182 00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:42,920 -Ah, yes, very tasty, my dear. -Thank you. 183 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:45,960 Although, not as tasty as your mother. 184 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:47,200 Oh, God. 185 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:51,320 So, I never got to ask... 186 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:53,680 How long have you two been back together? 187 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,960 -Oh, not too long. -Six months. 188 00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:57,800 Six months? 189 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:00,720 -You never said it was-- -Yes, six months. 190 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:04,560 Six erotic months. 191 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,360 -Mum, I don't want any more. -Nor do I. 192 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,040 Oh, I'll have some. I love scraps. 193 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:13,640 Dad! 194 00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:16,840 Yes, six months. Doesn't time fly? 195 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,040 Not at the moment. 196 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,720 Of course, you know what it's all about these days, don't you? 197 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,720 -What's that? -Everything, what it's all about. 198 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:26,360 -Um... -You, have a guess. 199 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,840 You want me to have a guess what everything's all about? 200 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:30,400 -Oh, go on. -Er... 201 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,600 -Pineapples. - Pineapples? 202 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,840 -You, stick insect. -Excellent. 203 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,200 Have a guess what it's all about. 204 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,120 -There's quite a lot to guess from. -Well, go on. 205 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,680 -The government? -Pineapples and the government? 206 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,880 Pineapples and the government? 207 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:50,680 Well, I'll tell you what it's all about. 208 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:52,400 Punk rock. 209 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:54,920 -Punk rock? -Yes, it's everywhere. 210 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,400 You turn on the radio, punk rock. 211 00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,600 -Right. -You walk down the street, 212 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:01,280 everywhere punk rockers. 213 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:02,360 Everywhere. 214 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:04,040 -Aren't I right, Nelly? - Oh, yes, Lou. 215 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,040 -Um, he doesn't like punk rockers. -I don't. 216 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:10,640 -Um... - I don't like 'em. 217 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,520 Ogling my Nelly and her privates! 218 00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:14,760 Okie dokie. 219 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,680 -He's very protective. -How nice. 220 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,800 I tell you, if I had a son 221 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:24,480 and he turned out to be a punk rocker, do you know what I'd do? 222 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:27,840 -What's that then? -I'd spurn him, I would. Spurn him! 223 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:29,760 Well, I don't think you two will be having any little 224 00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,800 punk rockers for the time being. 225 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:35,240 What are you trying to say? 226 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:37,320 That my seed is bad? 227 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,000 Well, no, I-- 228 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,520 There's nothing wrong with my seed. 229 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,520 -Tell him, Nelly! -There's nothing wrong with his seed. 230 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:47,480 Nothing wrong with it? It's grade A stuff. Grade A! 231 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,640 Oh, but look at us all. 232 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:53,760 I mean, this is meant to be a joyous occasion. 233 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:56,200 Here I am back in the bosom of your family. 234 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,440 -And the bosoms of Grandma. -I heard that. 235 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:02,160 So, come on, let's all raise a glass to the-- 236 00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:04,000 -Oh, shame. 237 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:05,320 - I'll go! -Me too. 238 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:06,560 I'm coming. 239 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,160 -Nelly? -Yes? 240 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:13,040 Juicy. 241 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,720 Hello, Jackie. You look nice. 242 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,560 -Oh, Christ. -Um, hi, Jim... 243 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,040 -Why are you... 244 00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:26,600 You may be wondering why I'm dressed like so... 245 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,000 Um... 246 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:32,160 That's because I'm collecting money on behalf of... 247 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:33,800 Did you make that outfit yourself? 248 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,480 No, Martin, I hired it. 249 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,440 -It's quite... -Accurate? 250 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:42,040 Oh, yes, no I added that bit myself. 251 00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:43,920 You know, for fun. 252 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:45,920 -Ding, ding. 253 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:48,880 -Fun! -Right. 254 00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:50,640 I'm going to look for those batteries. 255 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:52,360 Thank you. 256 00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,880 Jim, it's a bad time. 257 00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,120 It's a bad time for these poor little doggies. This one can't eat chicken any more. 258 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:03,520 Um, sorry, Jim. 259 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:05,480 We don't really have any money on us at the moment, so... 260 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:06,720 No more chicken... 261 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,800 -Maybe later. -Yes, later. 262 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:10,920 - Goodbye, Jim. 263 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:14,160 Bloody hell. 264 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,400 -He had a tail. -Back and front. 265 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,280 Maybe we could get Jim to mate with Mr Morris. 266 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:20,400 -Shh. -For six erotic months! 267 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:21,960 Sorry, Mum... 268 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:25,240 ...which is why I'm asking you now, Nelly... 269 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:27,000 Oh, Lou... 270 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:28,920 What was your second name again? 271 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:30,480 - Buller. -Mum. 272 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,720 Nelly Buller, will you-- 273 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,720 -Mummy! -Will you marry me? 274 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:42,000 Yes, oh, yes! 275 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,920 -Engaged! We're engaged! 276 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:48,520 We're engaged! 277 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:52,760 I know, Val, I know, but... 278 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:56,040 She doesn't have to marry the man, for Christ sakes. 279 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,400 I mean, she's 80 years old! He's 85! 280 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,920 Are you depressed enough now for your gin and ton... 281 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,560 I know, Val, I know. 282 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:11,600 I know. 283 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:15,240 Is Mum all right? 284 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:17,200 Oh, dear. 285 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,680 What are we gonna do about... Pocket Hitler? 286 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:21,880 -Drown him in the bath? -Drown him in the sink? 287 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,200 I'll hold his head down. 288 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:24,880 Oh, there you are. 289 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,280 Come on, I'm taking you all out. 290 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:29,920 -Out? -Yes, it's a celebration. 291 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,080 Hurry up, Nelly! 292 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:33,360 It's okay, Mr Morris, we haven't finished our dinner yet. 293 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:36,600 Nonsense. I will not have my beautiful daughter 294 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:39,440 slaving over the hot dishes on this night. 295 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:40,720 Daughter? 296 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:43,080 No, I'm taking you all out for a bit of fun. 297 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:45,480 -Somewhere special. -Favourite brothel? 298 00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:48,200 And don't worry, the drinks are on me. 299 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,120 You can have whatever you want. 300 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,120 Up to the value of four pounds fifty per head. 301 00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,960 God. This is our surprise. 302 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:02,120 -Bowling. -Rolling a ball at some sticks. 303 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,120 -Lovely damp bowling shoes. -Instant verrucas. 304 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:07,680 But him, Mum, him? 305 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,720 You don't expect me to wear these. Smell it, go on, smell. 306 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:10,880 Stop it, Jackie. 307 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:15,040 He's just someone to be with. All right? 308 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:16,360 It's company. 309 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,120 Mum, a cat is company. 310 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:23,080 Yes, but a cat can't do the same things to a woman as a man. 311 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,000 Well, it can do some of the things. 312 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:28,600 -Toilet? -Toilet. 313 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:31,800 Say something, Martin. 314 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,480 -Hmm? -What are you doing down there? 315 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:39,920 1,290,108. 316 00:15:40,520 --> 00:15:42,640 How many days it would take to walk to the sun. 317 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:47,720 It's not good is it? 318 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,160 It could not be not gooder. 319 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:51,120 Grandma's actually gonna marry that loony. 320 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,200 Oh. 321 00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:54,040 Someone calling me a loony? 322 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:56,360 -Oh, um, hello, Mr Morris. -Hi. 323 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,720 Let me tell you something about this loony. 324 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:04,120 This loony built up a button-sewing business from nothing but dust. 325 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:05,560 Right. 326 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,440 To become not the fifth, not the fourth, 327 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,640 not the third, but the second biggest 328 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:17,320 button-sewing business in the whole of the Hertfordshire region! 329 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,080 Now, finish your widdle! 330 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,280 What did he say in there? 331 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:29,800 He didn't really say much, it was more of... 332 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:31,840 -An angry piss. -A very angry piss. 333 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,920 -A what? -Yeah, I've had one of those. 334 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:38,280 Right, I'm going to do my bowl now. You look after Nelly for me. 335 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,080 Um, okay, Mr Morris. 336 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,440 And make sure none of the men try it on with her. 337 00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:43,600 We'll do our best! 338 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,200 You know, ogle her breasts and so forth. 339 00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:47,280 Er... 340 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,560 Like I told you, he's very protective. 341 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,080 Maybe you two should talk to Grandma. 342 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:57,160 No way! 343 00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:00,040 All right then, maybe talk to Mr Morris. 344 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,480 -And say what? "We hate you"? -"Please die"? 345 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:03,640 Maybe don't say please. 346 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:06,160 Someone has to do something. 347 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:07,680 Why can't Dad talk to him? 348 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,480 'Cause you know your father can't talk to people. 349 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:11,120 Oh, I can't talk to people. 350 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,280 Er, should he be doing that? 351 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:17,040 Uh, Mr Morris? 352 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:20,320 -That is quite near... -Impossible to miss? 353 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,200 Possible to miss. 354 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:26,200 Bad luck, Lou! 355 00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,400 It was a faulty ball. 356 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:30,160 It was bloody buggered. 357 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:33,720 That man is going to be your grandfather. 358 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,760 Here, Lou. Oh. 359 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:37,800 -Let me help you. -Oh, thank you! 360 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:39,760 Oi, you! Leave her alone. 361 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,480 -I'm sorry? -Oh, dear. 362 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,080 I know your game. 363 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,040 Keep your filthy hands off her. 364 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:46,240 I told you... 365 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:47,440 Um, Mr Morris? 366 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:48,520 What did you say? 367 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:51,840 I said, keep away from her, you dustbin! 368 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:54,080 -Dustbin? -Get out of it, go on! 369 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:56,120 Bloody punk rocker. 370 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,520 Lou, do you want to go and scream in the car? 371 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,000 No, I do not want to go and scream in the car. 372 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:06,040 If I had turned my back for just one millisecond, 373 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,120 that piece would have had his hands all over your grandmother's 374 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:10,520 beautiful bottom. 375 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:11,800 Thanks for that. 376 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,680 And you can stop gawping at her bosoms and all. 377 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,560 What a celebration! 378 00:18:22,815 --> 00:18:24,120 A roped-off area? 379 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,800 Yes, so my fiancée can bowl in peace, 380 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,360 away from all these filthy punk rockers. 381 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,960 Sorry... Punk rockers? 382 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,480 The man's a professional twit. 383 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:37,600 Bloody punk rocker. 384 00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:39,480 - Martin! -Um... 385 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:41,880 Anyone want a hotdog? 386 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,960 Mr Morris, we know how much our grandma means to you. 387 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,560 How much she means to me? I've just proposed to the woman. 388 00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:53,440 Yes, yes, I know that, but what I want to say is... 389 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,040 What do I want to say? 390 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,240 Um, maybe, like.... 391 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,120 -Try to calm down a little? -Yeah. 392 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,360 Calm down a little? I am calmed down a little! 393 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:06,520 Lou, you need to calm down. 394 00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:11,240 Remember, you're a changed man. 395 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:13,880 Yeah. 396 00:19:14,440 --> 00:19:15,840 Yes, I'm a changed man. 397 00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:19,120 -So, is that "yes" to the hot dog? - Maybe, you're right. 398 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,520 Maybe I do need to calm down a little. 399 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:22,840 Well... 400 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:24,800 Oh, Lou. 401 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:26,640 From this moment on... 402 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,520 I promise to keep my terrible temper under control, 403 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:32,960 and to treat your grandma... 404 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:37,280 my beautiful fiancée, like a princess. 405 00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:39,280 Oh, thank you, Lou. 406 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,360 -You're sitting on my coat. -Oh, sorry, Lou. 407 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:43,920 Come here, my love. 408 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:48,760 - Hello, all! 409 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,480 - Oh, Jim! -What are you doing here? 410 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,840 Well, I'm in the area, collecting money. 411 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,200 Did you follow us here? 412 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,640 -Hmm? -Yeah, it's not the best time, Jim. 413 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,600 I know. No more chicken? 414 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:04,040 -I don't like dogs. -Lou... 415 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,840 Oh, I mean, how wonderful, a dog! 416 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:09,480 Well, thanks, Jim, we'd better-- 417 00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,920 -I like your little ding-a-ling. -You mean this? 418 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:13,880 -Ding, ding! -Ooh! 419 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,640 -Can I have a go? -Of course, you can. 420 00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:18,080 Ding, ding! 421 00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:19,600 -Nelly... -Um... 422 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:21,240 -Ding, ding! -Ding, ding, ding! 423 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:22,840 -Nelly! -Ding, ding, ding! 424 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:23,960 Dinga, dinga, ding! 425 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:27,200 Oh, for bleeding shit's sake! I've had enough of this! -Lou! -Right, come on. Let's have you. 426 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,280 Here we go. Seconds out, round two. 427 00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:33,640 Put 'em up, you scoundrel! 428 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:34,880 -Help! - Come on, you. 429 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,800 -Help, Jackie, help! -Oh, God. 430 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,280 Shit on it, shit on it, shit on it! 431 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:41,520 Penis monger! 432 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,880 Come here, you. Don't run away, you coward. 433 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,680 -I'll kill him! - Mr Morris! 434 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:50,600 - Kill him! 435 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:53,480 -Get off him! -I want to fight the big dog! 436 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,200 You're squashing my pancreas! 437 00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,280 -My calculator! -I'll kill you! 438 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,600 My ding-a-ling! 439 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,200 Come on, Mr Morris, spit it out. Spit it out! 440 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:08,760 Our new granddad. 441 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,080 With a dog's penis and balls in his mouth. 442 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,600 Spit it out, Mr Morris! Spit it out! 443 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:18,480 That's right. 444 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:20,600 This way. 445 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:22,880 Car... Car... 446 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:26,480 -Well, that was fun. -Mm. 447 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:29,680 Good night, everyone. 448 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:30,920 -Night, Grandma. -Yeah. 449 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:32,000 Night, Nelly. 450 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:34,480 Sorry about your calculator, Martin. 451 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:36,240 It's okay, I was carrying a spare. 452 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,480 -Jackie? -What, Mum? 453 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:42,880 -Goodnight. -Goodnight, Mum. 454 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:46,280 Maybe now you'll have a think about... You know. 455 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:48,120 What's there to think about? 456 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,640 I'm his fiancée. 457 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:54,800 But... 458 00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:04,360 Well, it's gonna be a great wedding. 32377

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