All language subtitles for Friday.Night.Dinner.S01E05.The.Mercedes.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-pawel2006_track3_[eng]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:30,800 [HORN HONKING] 2 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:38,840 You idiot! You could have scratched our Mercedes! 3 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:40,240 Scratched your Mercedes? 4 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:41,960 You could have killed me, you stupid cow! 5 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,960 -Wait, is that Adam? -What? 6 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,800 Sheila. Sheila Bloom. 7 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:53,320 [UNCOMFORTABLY] Oh, hello, Sheila. Hi. How are you? 8 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:56,560 Fine. You remember my husband, don't you? 9 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:59,080 Um, yes. Hello, Mr Bloom. 10 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:04,080 Um, sorry that I called you... 11 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,880 -How's your Mum? -Oh, yeah, fine. 12 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:08,720 -Dad? -Good, good. 13 00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:10,240 -And you? -Yup. 14 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:11,960 Girlfriend? 15 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,400 Uh, no. Not... Not at the moment. 16 00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,400 Not to be rude, but if you were a bit more careful, 17 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:18,040 then things like this wouldn't happen. 18 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,200 -Okay. -Because, to be honest, 19 00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:24,720 our Mercedes would cost considerably more to repair than your, um, Yugo. 20 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,160 Um, it's a Nissan. 21 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,840 Who knows, you might even find yourself a nice girlfriend. 22 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:31,480 Well, goodbye. Go on, Eddie. 23 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:33,040 [STARTS ENGINE] 24 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:36,680 Bitch. 25 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,240 -Surprise! -Surprise! 26 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:48,200 Aw, thanks. Thank you. 27 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:51,080 -Happy birthday, Pusface. -Oh, very good. 28 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:52,680 -Mmm. Mmm. -Get off! 29 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:55,800 -Yeah, happy birthday, bambino. -Thanks, Dad. You look brown. 30 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:57,280 It was the sun. 31 00:01:57,320 --> 00:02:00,320 Um, yes. What's with the doorbell? 32 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:02,520 -And the coat rack? -MARTIN: Broken. 33 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:04,800 You know everything's broken in this house? 34 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,040 -Including your dad's brain. -Hi, Mum. 35 00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:09,920 What? My hearing machine's all clogged up with ear wax. 36 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,960 Oh, your poor ankle. I'm sorry, Mum. 37 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:15,560 -Here. -Oh, thank you, bobble. Happy birthday. 38 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:18,360 Oh, they're gorgeous. Jonny, put these in a vase. 39 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:20,760 Dad, put these in a vase. 40 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:24,000 -You all right? -[GROANS] I'm on crutchlings! 41 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:26,960 -Aw... -Bloody jellyfish. 42 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,480 So what happened again? It stung you? 43 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,640 I told you, I got stung on the ankle. 44 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:32,480 -And then... -Then I fell over 45 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,040 -and sprained the other one. -[LAUGHS] 46 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,000 -It's not funny. -It is a bit funny. 47 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:37,280 -What's funny? -Nothing. 48 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:39,400 -Mum's ankle. -Oh, yeah, that is funny. 49 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:41,640 -Please stop eating cream! -What? 50 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,560 Oh, just go and put this inside, would you? 51 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:47,600 -Dad, put this inside, would you? -Mind my foot! 52 00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:49,680 -Oh, guess who I just saw? -Who? 53 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:52,160 -Bitchface. -[GASPS] Sheila Bloom? 54 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,800 -What was she doing? -Um, trying to run me over. 55 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,880 -In her stupid Mercedes? -Of course. 56 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,000 Oi, Pissface, 57 00:02:58,040 --> 00:02:59,520 -what are you doing in there? -Nothing! 58 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,280 Martin, Adam just saw Bitchface. 59 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:06,680 -You saw Sheila Bloom? -Yep. 60 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,280 -In her stupid Mercedes? -Yep. 61 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,480 Can you believe Dad once went on a date with that woman? 62 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,080 Dad went on a date with Bitchface? 63 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,280 It was before your mother. Just a few dates. 64 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,880 -A few? You told me it was one. -Did I? 65 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:21,160 Well, we didn't really get up to much, you know, business. 66 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:23,120 -Uh... -Thanks, Dad. 67 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:25,600 What do you mean, "much business"? 68 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:27,440 Looking forward to your birthday dinner? 69 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:29,240 Yeah, course. 70 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,560 -What have you been doing in here? -Nothing. 71 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:35,760 -Oh, you do know Dad's making it? -Ha ha. 72 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,040 Well, you didn't think I was doing the cooking, did you? 73 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:40,680 -No, but... -Yeah, Adam, you know Mum's crippled. 74 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:44,760 -Thank you, Jonny. -But... Dad? 75 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,800 You've never really made dinner before. 76 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:48,800 -What? -You've never made dinner. 77 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,240 -No. -Right. 78 00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:51,800 And now you're making my birthday dinner. 79 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,160 Yes, I know. 80 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,520 We could always just go for a Chinese. 81 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:57,440 Yes, but a Chinese won't be as nice as this, will it? 82 00:03:57,480 --> 00:03:58,720 [HISSING] 83 00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,240 -Won't it? -What is it? 84 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,480 -It's a surprise. -Ahh! 85 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:04,520 -I'd rather it wasn't a surprise. -All right. 86 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:08,000 Uh, potatoes and some meat. 87 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,960 -Potatoes and some meat? -Mmm, prison food. 88 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,440 Dad really is making my birthday dinner? 89 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,760 Oh, I'm sorry, darling. What can I do? 90 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,920 Anyway, I'm banned from the kitchen. Look. 91 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,080 -Martin? -MARTIN: Oh, bloody go away! 92 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:23,440 See? 93 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:25,120 -[TOILET FLUSHING] -Where's the birthday boy? 94 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:28,720 Grandma, you're here! I didn't know Grandma was here. 95 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:31,160 -[LAUGHS] Surprise! -Thank you. 96 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:32,760 JACKIE: You all right now, Mum? 97 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:36,920 Oh, yes, dolly. I'm much better now, thank you. 98 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:42,480 -I had, um, a bit of, you know. -Right. 99 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:44,720 Grandma, do you remember what you were going to say to Adam? 100 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:46,000 -What? -That thing. 101 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:47,400 What thing? 102 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,720 Oh, yes. 103 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,920 Happy birthday, Pusface. 104 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:58,480 No, I love them. I really do. 105 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:00,040 -Do you? -Yeah. 106 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,520 The microwave and the knife sharpener. 107 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:04,120 Electric knife sharpener. 108 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:09,080 Yes, and the hand-held Hoover device thing. 109 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:10,800 -They're really... -Shit? 110 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:12,440 -Thank you. -Practical. 111 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,960 Yes. Practical. Lovely, practical presents. 112 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,680 Oh, Jackie, did you get me my bikini? 113 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:22,000 -Yes, Mum, I got you your bikini. -Sorry. Bikini? 114 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:23,640 Yes, from Spain. She wanted one. 115 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:26,200 -Is it the right size? -Well, it's the size you asked, Mum. 116 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:28,000 -38 double G. -[LAUGHING] 117 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:29,720 -What? -Nothing. 118 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:33,280 -Can you go and get it, then? -Mum, I can't get it now, can I? 119 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:36,760 Oh, yeah. Okay, then. Don't worry. 120 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,400 I'll go. I'll go! 121 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,200 She really wants that bikini. 122 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,680 -But no bikini for Dad? -What? I'm hot. 123 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:45,920 -Martin. Is it going to be long? -Yeah. Meat's not ready yet. 124 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,960 Still not ready? What meat is it? Horse? 125 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:49,080 [MARTIN LAUGHING] 126 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:50,720 -Here. -What's that? 127 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,280 Well, what do you think it is? 128 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:53,560 -From you? -Yeah. 129 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,400 -Thanks, Dad. -Yeah, I hope you like it. 130 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,960 I just thought, you know, you were always interested in... 131 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,840 ADAM: The SS? 132 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:04,280 Yeah, you were always interested in the war, so... 133 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:06,360 -Um... -Martin? 134 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:07,920 -The SS? -The SS. 135 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:09,640 Yeah, 'cause he used to love the war. Remember? 136 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:11,360 I'm not sure about "loved the war". 137 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,680 I was kind of interested when we did it at school. But the SS? 138 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,760 Wonderful present for a Jewish son. A book on the SS? 139 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,880 -It's very good. -Um, thanks, Dad. 140 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,280 No, it's, um... No, it's really nice of you. 141 00:06:23,320 --> 00:06:24,800 Yeah, see? 142 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:26,400 Sorry, I can't believe you bought him that. 143 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:27,960 You said you were buying him a book about the war. 144 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,480 It is about the war. 145 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,160 There are quite a lot of pictures of the SS. 146 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:34,040 Well, what do you expect? Your brother! 147 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:37,080 -Yeah. -Well, you do like it, don't you? 148 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:40,720 Yeah, Dad, it's just... You'd imagine a book on the SS 149 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:44,000 might sort of focus on all the bad things they did, the atrocities? 150 00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:47,520 -The SS! -And this one, it's... Well... 151 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:51,640 weapons of the SS, medals of the SS, 152 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:55,520 -heroes of the SS, you know... -It is a bit SS-y. 153 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:59,320 -Just take it away, please. It's dirty. -It's not dirty! 154 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:01,760 -It's dirty, just take it away. -Sorry, Dad. 155 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,800 And don't let my mother see it. 156 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,520 I can't find it anywhere. 157 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:08,920 Oh, the SS. You lucky boy! 158 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:24,880 -Oh, finally! -Yeah. 159 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:29,240 Don't touch! 160 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:35,240 [SIGHING] Well, make some room, will you? God! 161 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:36,480 [GRUMBLING] 162 00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,200 Lovely party atmosphere he's created. 163 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:45,520 Yes, try and remember it's your son's birthday. 164 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:48,320 -You all right there, Mum? -Oh, yes, thank you, Jackie. 165 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:49,680 Have you had your hair done? 166 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,600 -No, I haven't, actually. -Really? 167 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,760 -Yeah. -Oh, I think you should. 168 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,520 JONNY: Brilliant. 169 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,720 -Oh! -Even more brilliant. Oh, come on! 170 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:02,000 -JACKIE: Oh, boys! -Stop it, Adam! 171 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,080 -Me? -How are you going to find yourself 172 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,800 a bloody female if you act like a bloody baby the whole time? 173 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:11,280 -Yes! Females! -Martin. Leave him. It's his birthday. 174 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:14,800 Yes, thank you. Can we please have a ban on the F-word, just for tonight? 175 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:16,200 Oh, really? 176 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:23,000 So what did you mean when you said, um, "not much business"? 177 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:24,520 Sorry? 178 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,920 You and Sheila Bloom, "not much business"? 179 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,520 Oh, we're not still talking about that, are we? 180 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,280 -Honestly, nothing happened. -Honestly? 181 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:36,600 Yeah, it was yonks ago and really, we hardly had sex. 182 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,440 -Oh, please! -Dad! 183 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,000 What do you mean "hardly"? 184 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:42,920 Jackie, has Martin got somebody pregnant? 185 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,440 Mum! 186 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,880 Jon-Jon, who was the lady that Martin got pregnant? 187 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,000 -Sheila Bloom. -JACKIE: Shut up, Jonny. 188 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:52,320 -In the back of her Mercedes. -Ignore them, Mum. 189 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:54,880 No one's pregnant. Martin didn't get anyone pregnant. 190 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:56,360 -Did you? -What? 191 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,600 -Get Bitchface pregnant? -No. 192 00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:00,400 To be honest, she never gave me the chance! 193 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:01,520 [TELEPHONE RINGING] 194 00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:03,520 -I'll get it! -No, I'll get it. 195 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,000 We'll talk about this later. 196 00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:09,800 Hello? Oh, hi. Are you? 197 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,800 -Okay, then. -Who is it? 198 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:15,960 -Coming. -Who is it? 199 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,520 -Oh. -Hello, Adam. 200 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:20,920 -Jonny. -I'm Adam. 201 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:25,120 Oh, yes, no, it's just I was passing and I noticed 202 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:27,920 that your doorbell wasn't working. 203 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,440 -I'm not on the phone any more, Jim. -What? 204 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:32,440 Oh, yes. 205 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:38,840 No, your bell's not working, so I thought I'd just, um... 206 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:40,880 -let you know. -Thanks. 207 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,480 Did you know? 208 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:45,960 Well, yes, there is a sign. 209 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,960 Yes, a sign, eh, Wilson? 210 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,320 Is your mother in? 211 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:55,120 Um, Jim, it's Friday night. We're just about to have dinner. 212 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:56,240 Yes, of course. 213 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:57,880 JACKIE: Who is it? BOTH: Jim! 214 00:09:57,920 --> 00:09:59,360 -Oh. -Hi, Jackie! 215 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,560 Um, ooh! Something smells... 216 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,080 -Okay, well... -Who's Pusface? 217 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:10,360 -No one. -Adam is. 218 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,960 Are you? 219 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,920 -Hmm, Pusface? -It's a nickname, a Jewish nickname. 220 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,680 Is it? Oh! 221 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:22,920 Is there anything special that Jewish people get for their birthdays? 222 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,720 -What? -JACKIE: Come on, boys! 223 00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:28,280 Coming! Um, I'm going to... It's sort of my birthday dinner. 224 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:31,920 -Yes, of course. Happy birthday. -Thank you. 225 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,880 Actually, Jim, there is something we give each other on our birthdays. 226 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:39,360 -Oh, yes? -Yeah. 227 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:42,680 It's kind of traditional to give a big basket of fruit 228 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:46,120 to the eldest son of the family. 229 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:49,240 -A big basket of fruit? -Mmm, yeah. 230 00:10:49,280 --> 00:10:51,600 I've never heard of that. Right. 231 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,920 Any particular type of fruit? 232 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:57,200 Yeah, well, only green-coloured ones, really. 233 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,840 Sort of apples, grapes... 234 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:02,240 -Kiwis? -Yeah. They're allowed, yeah. 235 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:05,240 -Pears? -No. No, pears are forbidden. 236 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:08,680 -I understand. Your traditions. -Traditions, yeah. 237 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:13,760 This basket of fruit, does it have a name? 238 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:18,600 Yes, it does. It is called a...schmoigel. 239 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:19,720 [MUMBLES] 240 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,040 -What? -A schmoigel. 241 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:22,240 Schmoigel. 242 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:23,720 -JACKIE: Jonny? -Coming. 243 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,000 -Schmoigel. -Schmoigel. 244 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:34,560 Oh, that man, every Friday night. Doesn't he know we're Jewish? 245 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,880 -Oh, he knows. -What else did he want? 246 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:38,920 -Oh, nothing. -Are you ready now? 247 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,760 Yeah, I'm ready for my poisoning. 248 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:45,320 Well, first of all, I've made you some lovely potatoes. 249 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,560 -Um... Lovely? -There's not a lot of them, Dad. 250 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:50,960 Yes, well, these ones are meant to be quite dense, apparently. 251 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,280 A dense meal. 252 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:55,040 Yeah. And now for the best bit. Ta-da! 253 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,480 -Is it clay? -Clay? 254 00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:00,160 -Is that the meat? -Of course it's the meat. 255 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:03,400 -All right. Anyone want to carve? -Can it be carved? 256 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:05,320 That does look very dry, Martin. 257 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:07,640 It really was potatoes and some meat. 258 00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:10,880 Aww! Martin, you do know you've shrunk the beef? 259 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,200 -Shrunk the beef? -Brilliant. 260 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:14,680 I'll carve, then. 261 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:22,400 [SQUEAKING] 262 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:23,680 [GRUNTING] 263 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,200 Should meat squeak? 264 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,600 Tuck in, birthday boy. 265 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,960 -Dad? -What? 266 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,600 -I think we should go for a Chinese. -A Chinese? 267 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,800 -Yes, let's go for a Chinese. -Don't be stupid! 268 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:43,560 Martin, he's right. I think we should go for a Chinese. 269 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:47,240 Go for Chinese? It's delicious. Right, look. 270 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:00,880 Yeah, let's go for a Chinese. 271 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:08,160 Okay, now, slowly, Jackie, slowly. 272 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:10,480 Jackie, what sort of food is Chinese? 273 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:13,120 Mum, I've told you, you've had Chinese food. 274 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,240 Ow, you're pinching me, you're pinching me! 275 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:17,560 Well, thank you, Martin. More pain. 276 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:20,080 -Is it like Greek? -Uh, probably the opposite. 277 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:24,080 -Oh, no! The Mercedes. -MARTIN: What? 278 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:25,360 Bitchface. 279 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:28,200 -Nice to see you, Jackie. -Oh, and you. 280 00:13:34,760 --> 00:13:36,880 Didn't mention my foot once. Not once! 281 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,000 All she talked about was her stupid Mercedes. 282 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:40,440 They've had it re-sprayed. 283 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,440 -Yeah. For when they go dogging. -Jonny! 284 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:43,760 -ADAM: Good one. -What you talking about? 285 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,760 Your girlfriend, who you hardly had sex with. 286 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,200 Would you like some green tea before your meal? 287 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,120 -MARTIN: Great, thanks. -Thank you. 288 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,920 -Mmm. -Mmm, ketchup. 289 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,440 Uh-oh. Miss Mercedes alert. 290 00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,920 I still don't know how you could do things with that woman. 291 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,480 What? Not this again. I told you, it was years ago. 292 00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:13,200 Dad, we're not suddenly going to find out we're actually her children, are we? 293 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,600 -Thank you, Adam. -Oh, here she comes. Our real mum. 294 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,360 -Nice meal? -Mmm. Very nice, thank you. 295 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,000 We didn't like it. We just told the manager, 296 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,160 he's going to give us some free vouchers. 297 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:26,080 It's not as good as the one in town. 298 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:28,600 Right. 299 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:30,760 -Hi, Jonathan. -Hello. 300 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,560 Hello again, Adam. 301 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:35,360 Oh, of course, you saw each other earlier. 302 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,560 Yes. We had a little chat, didn't we? 303 00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:40,680 Um... 304 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,080 How are you doing, Martin? 305 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,360 Yeah, fine, fine. 306 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,320 Oh, you know my mother? 307 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,160 Oh, yes, of course. You doing all right there, Mrs Buller? 308 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,920 -Hello. Who is it? -Sheila. Sheila Bloom. 309 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,640 Oh, yes. Are you the pregnant lady? 310 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,280 -Sorry? -Grandma, have some more rice. 311 00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,080 The one that Martin got pregnant? 312 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:07,360 And your mother? I forgot to ask. She was quite unwell. 313 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:11,560 Yes, well, she, um... She passed away about six weeks ago. 314 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:15,680 Oh, I am sorry. Oh, I had no idea. 315 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,520 -Yeah, sorry. -It was terrible. 316 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:21,800 -She had been quite ill. -Very sad. 317 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:23,360 We thought she was getting better 318 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:26,280 and then she suddenly just went downhill. 319 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:29,520 Eddie rushed her to the hospital in the, you know, Mercedes. 320 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:33,200 And even though he's a fast driver and the Mercedes is a fast car, 321 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,720 a very fast car, well, he just couldn't get her in there in time. 322 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:40,120 And, well, she just... She just died. 323 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,160 That's awful. 324 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,160 -In the Mercedes. -[BOYS SNICKERING] 325 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,480 Sorry, I missed that, where was it her mother died? 326 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:49,440 -In the Mercedes. -[BOTH LAUGHING] 327 00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:54,080 Right, Eddie, get the coats. 328 00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,960 [ADAM AND JONNY LAUGHING] 329 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:02,840 Shh! 330 00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:04,920 [LAUGHING] 331 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,120 Oh... 332 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:10,760 What must she think of us? 333 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,640 Hmm, that as a family we just find leukaemia really funny? 334 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:15,560 I can't believe you're actually going to do this. 335 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:18,000 Well, what else are we meant to do? Oh, you are such an idiot, Martin. 336 00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:20,000 How was I to know he'd have the same coat? 337 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:21,920 All you had to do was put it on a separate hook. 338 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,680 -It's got the bloody house keys in it. -All right! 339 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,000 -Go on, you'd better go with your dad. -What? 340 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:29,240 -Go on. -We're not going. 341 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:31,400 -You are. -No way. Why don't you go? 342 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:35,080 Because I'm crippled, remember? Now just go and get your dad's jacket. 343 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,600 Sorry, there is no way I'm knocking on that woman's door, 344 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:39,440 having just laughed at her dying mother. 345 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,000 -Dead mother. -Correct. Dead mother. 346 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:43,600 -Okay. Can we go now? -What if she says Mercedes again? 347 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,240 -Oh, God! -Oh, just stop moaning 348 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:46,640 and get out the car. 349 00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:48,200 What if Dad suddenly starts humping Bitchface? 350 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:49,720 -Jonny! -Oh, for Christ's sake! 351 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,960 All I did was kiss her breasts a little. Now, come on! 352 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:57,360 You what? 353 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:02,680 I kissed her breasts a little. 354 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:06,720 -It was ages ago. -You kissed Bitchface's breasts? 355 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:09,440 -What are they talking about? -Dad's breast-kissing. 356 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:11,800 What's so unusual about that? I kiss your breasts. 357 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:13,280 -Oh! -Please! 358 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,000 Right, I'm now getting out the car. 359 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:17,280 And I'm also now getting out the car. 360 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:18,560 Martin. 361 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,000 Just go and get the coat! 362 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,480 It was only her breasts. 363 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:32,160 [DOOR SHUTS] 364 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:33,600 Your mother! 365 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,240 -You're ringing the bell. -No, you're ringing the bell. 366 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,360 Shut up. It's my birthday. You're ringing the... 367 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,320 -Oh, God. -Hey, Adam. 368 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:46,520 Oh, hello, Sheila. Sorry to bother you, but... 369 00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:50,360 Thank you. 370 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:54,480 [CHUCKLING] 371 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,320 -Something funny? -No. 372 00:17:58,320 --> 00:17:59,560 You sure? 373 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:00,880 -Yes. -Yep. 374 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,520 -Come on, Dad. -Yeah, one minute. 375 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,600 -It's my coat. -Great. 376 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:15,880 -Thank you. -Bye! 377 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,480 -Yeah. -Nightmare, nightmare, nightmare. 378 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:18,800 Agony, agony, agony, agony. 379 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,320 Ah, freedom. 380 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,080 -How was it? -I got me coat. 381 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,360 -Did you get your coat? -I got me coat. 382 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,240 -What did she say? -Well, luckily she didn't say 383 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:31,080 -the M-word. -Let's go. 384 00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:33,840 -Why is she still watching us? -ADAM: Um, because she hates us? 385 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,120 JONNY: Seriously, can we just go? MARTIN: Bloody gearbox. 386 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:38,240 Bye, Sheila! 387 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,600 -[TYRES SCREECHING] -Ooh! 388 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:41,840 [GASPS] 389 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,920 Shit! Shit on it! 390 00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:51,120 [CRYING] The Mercedes! My Mercedes! 391 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,480 [ALL LAUGHING] 392 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,440 [MOCKINGLY] "The Mercedes"! 393 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:00,600 My Mercedes! 394 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,080 Why are we all laughing? 395 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:15,680 Oh, my God. So embarrassing. So you'll do all those things, will you? 396 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:18,280 -What? -The car insurance stuff. 397 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:19,680 Yes, I told you. 398 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:23,160 And Martin, can you fix that bloody coat rack, please? 399 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:24,880 Ja, mein Capitan! 400 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,200 And feel free to hang yourself from it. 401 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:31,080 Oh, here it is, Mum, your bikini. 402 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:32,480 It was under my cardie. 403 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:36,600 My bikini! Oh, thank you, dolly. Thank you. 404 00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:39,560 And now for the Miss World Over-70s category... 405 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:42,840 You have a nice lie down, love. 406 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,800 I'd rather you didn't kiss me anywhere tonight, thank you. 407 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,640 [JACKIE GROANING] 408 00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:53,200 Boys, let me give you a bit of advice. Never marry a woman. 409 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:56,240 [GROANING] 410 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,640 Fantastic birthday. 411 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,800 Oh, yeah. I hope mine'll be as good as this. 412 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:06,360 Can you stop shining that thing in my eyes, you div? 413 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,080 Hello, you two. 414 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:09,520 -Oh. Hi, Jim. -Hi. 415 00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,960 That number plate's going to need screwing back. 416 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:14,320 That's what I'm doing. 417 00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:17,040 Right, well, this is for you. 418 00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:22,560 -Um, what is it? -A schmoigel. 419 00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:26,160 -A what? -A schmoigel. 420 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,200 You know, a schmoigel. 421 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:34,080 Happy birthday, Pusface. 422 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:40,800 Jackie, it fits! It fits! 423 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:44,160 Ooh! Why is that door open? 424 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,560 -Right. -[GRANDMA EXCLAIMING] 425 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:52,360 Hey, done it. Time for a biscuit. 426 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:56,160 But don't worry, there are absolutely no pears, 427 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:59,400 because I know that pears are completely forbid... 428 00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:01,600 -What? -What? 429 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,800 Hello! Hello! 430 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:10,240 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 431 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:12,360 -Martin? -GRANDMA: Jackie! 432 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:13,960 [EXCLAIMING] 433 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,640 -Jackie! -Martin! 434 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,560 You'd better be dead or I will kill you. 435 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,040 [POUNDING ON DOOR] 436 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:24,400 All right! 437 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,040 Schmoigel? 32597

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