All language subtitles for Hot.Naked.Sex.The.City.2011-[Erotic].DVDRip

My name is Carrie Crotshore, and I am an
adult writer in New York City.

I write for a famous porn magazine
called Asquire.

I give dating advice and my stories
about my life being single and horny in

York City.

Many of my readers think that I'm a gay
man writing for women, but that's just

silly. No woman would buy that, right?

Samantha Bones is a horny smart woman
who has sex with almost every man who

lives on 54th Street.

She has worked her way all the way up
through 12th Ave to Park Ave, but still

has to conquer the East Side.

Apparently, East Side men are a little
more picky, or as Samantha says, gay.

Harlett Pork manages an art gallery that
showcases scat art.

She has had multiple showings, but
constantly gets shut down by the health

department.

Morgana Nobbs is a public defender.

who makes $35 ,000 a year.

We are all super jealous of her success.

Nob failed the bar exam 20 times, but as
she always used to tell her friends, 21

is her lucky number.

So how are those beets?

Oh, they're delicious.

Beets are kind of like men.

You get them stuck in your teeth, and
even a toothpick can't get them out.

Well, these beans are scrumptious.

I wonder if they're made in Singapore or
Taiwan.

So I have a brand new idea for my
article in Aspire this month. Oh,

us. Tell us.

Since none of us have been successful
with men, I was thinking... What are you

talking about?

Look at me on the picture of success.

I'm like, you know, bottled water in
Tijuana.

That's really successful.

That's success.

So, I mean, we have four attractive,
intelligent women.

I don't know how to say this. Spit it
out.

I think that we all should just, we
should just fuck each other. Like crazy.

Until like something falls off.

I think I just choked on my corn.

Listen, I love you, but I'm all about
the sirloin, okay?

There is no fish on this menu.

I guess I've never thought of it that
way.

Never?

No.

I'm totally giving up sex anyway.

Yeah, right.

No, no more sex. It's all about cooking.

I mean, they're juxtaposed next to each
other.

And, you know, I feel like my ass has
gotten enough attention.

What about my poor stove?

No, no, no. It's going to be all about
pots and pans and Sim Sim oil for me. In

fact, I'm so serious about my cooking,
I'm going to do it right now.

Is she for real?

in that dress.

Oh, excuse me.

I'll catch you later, ladies. I have
business.

God, she's so lucky that she can make
money and has that job. I know. I can't

stand her.

I think she's so unimportant. I'm a
lawyer.

Whatever. Miss 35K here.

Meanwhile...

Across town, Samantha Bones tries to
cook spaghetti.

Now, Samantha changes her hair color as
much as I change my bra and panties.

And as Samantha says, cooking is like
sex.

It's all about giving pleasure. But when
you're all alone, who are you going to

give pleasure to?

We all know each other's plumbing and
aware of its quirks and leaks.

If you date a girl with the same dress
size, you can always share your life and

lifestyle, too.

And if you find a hot chick with the
same shoe size, oh my God, then you

found your soulmate.

Get it? Soulmate.

Men are like pumpkins. It seems that all
the good ones are either taken or

they've had everything scraped out of
their heads with a spoon.

I always say that women are like apples
on top of a tree.

The best ones are at the top. And men
never want to climb up to get me.

I mean to get the apple.

It's not that me and my friends are
selfish, self -involved heretics who

care about tall fruity drinks and
shopping for shoes.

Is that the reason that we can't find a
man?

No, it's because a rotten out pumpkin
can't climb a tree.

There I was in my Mandy shoes and high
-end Walmart panties strutting through

the park.

I was so sure that I would discover true
happiness.

When at that moment, I would meet
someone that would ruin my article

Mr. Big Cock.

At that moment, I knew I was in love.

Have you ever been in love?

Absolutely.

Squirrel!

Meanwhile, across town, my highly
successful friend Morgana Nobbs is

with... Hello?

Is this Morgana Nobbs? You blew my case,
you bitch. Now I'm gonna do ten years.

When I get out, I'm gonna hit you so
hard in your face that it melts.

Who is this?

It's Johnny Wilson.

You were supposed to show up at my trial
and you sent your mom instead to defend

me.

shopping that day.

Oh and I found the cutest little pink
sandals.

Receiving the right massage from the
right person is like reading a book.

You have to know the history and read in
between the lines. Once you get through

the tough part, it's all worth it.

It took me a week to get through C -Spot
Run, but once I got through it, I felt

I discovered the Fountain of Eden.

I think I'm going to go get a massage.

you

Meanwhile, across town, Harlett Pork
decides she needs to hire an assistant

her scat art. Hiring an assistant is
like finding Mr. Right. You have to kiss

few frogs before you find your Prince
Charming. In Pork's case, it's like

blowing 25 sailors before you get an
incurable case of gonorrhea.

You think you may be done with it, but
it can stay with you for a long time.

Hello?

Did you put an ad in the number two news
about needing an assistant?

Why, yes, I did.

Tell me, what is your background and
experience in school art?

Well, I've studied dung art in Africa,
and I have some experience in urine

sketching.

Wow, I'm very impressed, young lady.

What's your name?

Well, my name is Harry Goldenbutt.

Excuse me, did you say Harry Goldenbutt?

Um, yeah, that's me.

Um, I'm not hairy, but I do have a
golden butt.

I'm confused. Isn't Harry a man's name?

Well, hold on. Let me send you my
resume.

Okay.

I must say, I was very impressed with
your resume.

Okay, that's good.

You're definitely hired. Are you around
later today?

So, have you girls hooked up with each
other yet?

Yeah.

Sleeping with your girlfriend is like
taking a shit in your own backyard,

Sure, you might feel relieved, but it
really stinks.

That's gross.

I'm just being honest.

So, Harley, seen anyone?

Girl or guy?

Oh.

Neither. Oh.

Why did you say that then?

I just wanted to keep the conversation
entertaining and sexy.

You guys all stop.

Why? Who are you seeing?

What's his name?

I think it's a cop.

Well, he is a teen, and there is no cop.

Where'd you meet?

Well, the other day I was getting a
pedicure and a manicure and a massage,

she just offered.

I mean, for a couple extra bucks.

Oh, so you paid her?

Well, it was kind of included in the
price.

No one's being judgmental, honey.

What? How are your cooking experiences
going?

Oh, it's fantastic.

You know, I've moved from zucchini to
clams, but I just love it. In fact, I'm

meeting with my assistant tonight.

Oh.

I was trying to get work done on my
article about how women should give up

hunting for deer and start hunting for
fish when I just couldn't get Mr. Big

Cock out of my mind. Was it bait that I
saw him urinating in the park? Was he

single? And how could I get him to
notice a girl? Dating is like looking

new job. A one -night stand is a
temporary position.

A broke boyfriend is a part -time job.

And love is a career.

Hooking up with a married man is like
applying for a position that has already

been filled, except one may open up.

Like my legs. The key is to have as many
applications out until you find the

right one.

Some call that promiscuous.

I call it women's good intuition.

Masturbation is like tuning a radio.

You don't know what frequencies you'll
enjoy until you play with the knob.

Mr. Big cock.

Shoes are like men.

Some are hunky that look like a million
dollars, but will treat you horrible.

While others are the complete package.

I once had a really bad corn from my hot
pleaser shoes.

Listen, being a flasher is not covered
under the Freedom of Speech Act, okay?

That's not a case argument.

It takes big balls to be a flasher.

I know it takes big balls, but that's
not a good defense.

Look, it's finally warm again. I need to
go out and express myself.

During the winter, I'd go up to women
and I would just describe my cock

it was too freaking cold.

Little Johnny B. Goode needs air.

You know, I have defended you 14 times
already.

How much longer are you going to be a
flasher?

I was thinking about retiring, but I
decided to stick it out a little more.

What? You know, your dick is not that
special. The whole world doesn't revolve

around your cock.

Really? You think so?

Let me tell you, sister, my dick is so
big that King Kong is going to climb it

in the sequel.

I'm getting a headache. I have to go
now.

What? My cock.

All right, I'm hanging up the phone.

New York City is going to build an
amusement park on my pecker.

It's going to be called the cock screw.

Goodbye. My cock is so big I can fuck a
tuba. All right, I'm hanging up.

Goodbye.

I have to go get a massage.

Thank you.

Meanwhile, across town, Harlot Pork is
trying to set up an interview with her

new assistant,

Harry Goldenbuck.

Hello, Miss Goldenbuck. Where would you
like to meet for lunch?

Lunch? Well, I was thinking dessert.

And then, later, breakfast.

Miss Goldenbuck, I would like to keep
this relationship professional only,

Oh, of course. Totally professional.

Okay, where would you like to meet?

Downtown.

Downtown in your pants.

I said I want to keep this professional
only, okay?

That is the name of the bar.

Downtown in your pants.

You ever heard of it?

No, I've never heard of that bar.

Can I ask you a question?

Was your father a baker?

No. Why?

Because you have great buns.

I'll see you soon, okay?

Okay. See you soon.

Bye -bye.

Thank you.

So what's the 411, ladies?

You still cooking?

Uh, yeah, yeah. Actually, it's quite
hot.

Definitely hot.

I mean, the oil.

You still paying for sex?

No. I mean, I'm not, like, paying for
it.

I mean, you know, we're kind of friends
now, and I think she likes me.

I mean, I still give her a little money,
because I know she needs it.

Oh, that's nothing to be ashamed of.

Cool.

I'm starting to love these happy ending
massages. They're, like, great.

You know, it's like, I don't have to do
anything. I just show up and... I mean,

I have to work my day job so I can
afford to go there, but... Yeah.

Oh, that's... It's worth it. Nothing to
be ashamed of. It's worth it.

I can never do that.

Well, you must be doing something.

Mm -hmm.

Okay, spill the beans, pork.

Remember I told you I hired that
assistant?

Yeah.

Well, um, I'm kind of sleeping with her.

What?! Oh, really?

Hmm. Well, I could never do anything
like that.

What's the big deal on it? The big deal
is, is that she works for you, and

you're her employer, and you're fucking
her? Can you say sexual harassment?

That shouldn't happen.

So now that we're alone away from the
other

girls, level with me. How are the
cooking classes really going?

I'm only taking the cooking classes
because I don't know what to do. I'm

so horny.

So I needed something to take that
attention away, and now cooking is

hot. Cooking is turning you on? Oh, yes.
I don't know if it's the hot steamy

kitchen or the juicy succulent meat or
the hot buttered buns.

I don't know. It's all working me up.

All those buns.

Wow, well, I've been doing these
massages, and they really turn me on.

But that's it. I don't want to get
turned on.

Well, you've got to find some way to
relieve all that excess sexual energy.

You're right, and that's why I'm going
to be doing ballet at the gym.

Ballet? I love ballet.

Do you? Yeah.

Would you do it with me? Yeah, let's go.

Let's go now.

Tire, cheese, sky, cheese, grass,
cheese, cheese,

cheese.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

Spring clams.

So, do you live around here?

Spring clams.

Spring clams. I've never heard of that.
Is that uptown or downtown?

Spring clams.

Can I help you find something?

Tampons. Oh, tampons. I can bring you
the tampons. Come on.

Tampons! Make yourself comfortable. Do
you want anything to eat?

No!

Okay, I'll be right back.

A person preparing for a date is like an
actor preparing for a scene, making

sure the audience likes what it sees.

And Mr. Big Cock has just bought two
tickets to sit on my face and watch the

Tintin' Ass Show, which plays all night
long.

Oh, Mr. Big Cock!

Dating in New York City is like
apartment hunting.

Sometimes you actually find an apartment
that looks big and perfect.

But once you move in...

You discover that it's infested with
rats.

And it looks like Mr. Big Cock is a
condo on the Upper West Side with

all over.

Meanwhile, across town, my friend
Harlett Pork is thinking that she did

wrong thing. She was feeling quite
guilty about being a twat bandit. Having

with your employee is like having sex
with a crazy bad boy.

It's kind of fun at first, then leads to
a multi -million dollar class action

lawsuit requiring tons of legal advice
and draining your bank account.

Anywho, Pork was feeling a little guilty
and decided to end her affair with

Harry Goldenbot.

Goldenbot?

Well, it's still shining thanks to you,
Miss Pork.

Um, yeah, that's what I kind of called
you to talk about.

I'm good. I can get naked in about a
half hour and cover my body with cheeses

and get two spoons for two people and
the dessert with the cherry on my

bunghole. Yeah, I think we should really
end this and we should keep this

professional.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought I was being professional. I
generally sleep with all my bosses. It

kind of breaks the whole tension between
worker and employee.

I could see that.

It helps me get raises, vacations, half
of their homes, and alimony.

Yeah, um, this definitely isn't going to
work out. We need to end this right

now. Well, okay, fine.

We will end it. Well, how about an
innocent massage downtown?

The same bargain?

No, I mean, down in my pants.

Of course.

Yeah, sure.

Thank you.

Meanwhile, Morgana is getting addicted
to exercise.

Or should I say, exercising her libido.

But be warned, girls, because exercising
is like voting for an idiot as your

mate. You may not realize how much
danger it can do until it's too late.

So, ladies, now that we had a week to
think about our decisions, you know,

girlfriends versus boyfriends, which one
do you think makes you happier?

I'm happy now that I got my assistant to
sign that waiver.

How did you get her to do that?

Well, I was talking to my girlfriend,
Harry Goldenbutt.

Harry Goldenbutt?

Yeah, I know.

Her parents always knew she'd be a porn
actress, or at least told she'd be.

But I told her if she wanted just sex
and a paycheck, that she had to send

special harassment waiver for me.

Wow. Well, I'm not sure if that's
legally binding.

But, I don't know, what do I know?

Well, you're the lawyer, right?

I'm actually thinking about looking for
a new career.

What? Why?

I hate being a lawyer.

It's like drudgery.

I'm thinking that...

I want to do something more exciting,
like maybe be a personal trainer.

Or, you know, one of those girls who,
like, hands you a towel when you come to

the gym.

What?

Yeah, I mean, how long can you be a
lawyer for? I mean, you can work at the

until you're, like, 90.

Yeah, I guess.

Morgana, you just keep reaching for
those stars.

So, anyway, Samantha, is that cooking,
you know, satisfying your sex drive?

Actually, ladies, I have found an
alternative to cooking.

Really? This alternative actually is
very hot, quite mouth -watering,

but also a little salty.

Harry, I want to know if you've had a
little salt in your life.

Have you, um, jumped off your little
tuna boat to take a dip with the fish?

No, I don't know.

I'm like...

bisexual sitting on the fence, and I
don't know whether I'm ready to cross

yet. No?

Well, if you don't pick a side, I think
that fence might bite you in your ass.

Well, Carrie, that's your loss.

But you know, all this tuna talk has got
me a little hungry, so you want to join

me, Port, for some tuna?

Sure.

Bye, ladies.

Bye.

So, Carrie, what do you say we hit the
gym?

Get a little, uh, went wild.

stars and all the planets and the earth
were as one the world might be better.

the stars and all the planets and the
earth were as one the world might be

better.

All stars All stars

All stars All

stars

To sum it up, lesbian sex isn't
necessarily better than heterosex.

But sometimes you just don't want to
deal with Mr. Little Richard Nixon.

A little Hillary Clinton in the mouth is
like a women's lib party in your

tonsils. A mouthful of muffs can be
liberating like eating cake and drinking

Jack Daniels on the subway.

Yes, we all know the stereotype that we
know each other's parts.

But it's so much more than that.

Smart, intelligent, professional women
can learn from one another in and out of

the bedroom.

Sex with your friends is like moving
back into your first apartment.

Very familiar yet new.

And you can spend hours cleaning the
carpet.