All language subtitles for Ali G Rezurection - 1x03 - ATF.HDTV.QCF.en

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False ripe and kibba ya mouth.

Back in da year twenty thousand,

me was given me own show.

But 10 years later, the
telly industry is in crisis.

Some people thinks it might
not even be around much longer

and will be extincted like
that amazing bird the Dildo.

The main reason for dis is the Intranet,

which is now everywhere,

meaning that any bellend can
be the host of their own show

even if them don't have
the brainac mental-titude

of the professionals like
yours truthfully, a'ight?

So check out me own show.

Bust a blank, innit!
West, west.

1x03 - ATF

'Ello.

Check dis out.

I is with none other than my main man,
Sam Donaldson.

Him be the boss man of ABC News,

and today we is chattin' about da media.

Let's talk about when the media

actually changed events in politics.

Does you remember when
the two journalists

brought down the government

over the scandal of "Water World"?

- Well, Watergate here?
- Well, I think it's "Water World," innit?

You're confusing it with "Stargate."

Well, are you talking about when
we had a president named Nixon?

For real.

And there was a burglary at
a complex called Watergate?

There ain't no connection between this

and the bloke from "Dances With Wolves"?

No. And that's where I
thought you were going.

"Water World" was a very
bad movie, in my estimation.

Yo, yo, yo. No doubt.

Why don't they make that
clearer to young people?

That's what we're doing.
That's what you're doing.

- Respect.
- Congratulations.

- What is "bias"?
- We all have biases.

Meaning, we have an idea
of the way things are,

without reference to
what we actually can see.

So, how does you stop
"germalists" putting little

words in that is hints
of how them actually feel?

Like say, yo, "Today
President Bush, who is a dong,

talked about the economy."
Would they be allowed to say that?

Well, you could say that.
But if I were your boss, I'd fire you.

But how does you stop the "germalists"

givin' over their opinions
just by their body language?

Sayin', "Yo, today, President Bush..."
and then going...

"spoke to the vice president..."
you know.

If you did that, I'd fire you.
I couldn't stop you,

but I'd fire you and you wouldn't
be on the next day, going...

- No.
- So, has a "germalist" ever been fired

for being biased and
doing things like that...?

I don't know of an American
journalist who's done things like that.

So what does you do
when there ain't nothing

that's happened in the news that day?

There's always something that happened.

But if it's a bit of a boring
day for news, does you sometimes

make a headline on the
newspaper saying, "War Begins"?

Well, if there's no war that begins,

- but you say "war begins..."
- A'ight.

...no one's going to buy your
newspaper the next day because they'll

be onto the fact that you don't
know what you're talking about.

But you could always put on page 2,
"War Begins with a 'W.'"

That is how you spell it, innit?

- Yeah.
- For real. So you ain't lyin'.

But people would...
everyone would buy your paper

'cause no one else is reporting on this.

"Yo, so let's get the one
with all the war thing in it.

Wicked.
Oh, it begins with a 'W.'

I knew that. Let me
read some other things."

So, does people get their news now

more from telly or from newspapers?

Television, in this country.

Ain't the problem with newspapers
that after about a week,

- the news is well out of date?
- Oh, they are!

You buy a newspaper every day
to find out what the latest news is.

Well, you don't need
to buy it every day.

What do you mean, you
don't need to buy it?

You don't need to do anything,
except pay taxes and die.

Yo. Well, you don't
always have to pay taxes.

- I know I, but...
- Is this a confession, right now?

- No, no, no.
- Should I call the law?

No, no, no. 'Cause I...
I don't because of...

it's a complicated thing I
can't really chat about here.

Whatever. Yo.
So, let's talk about...

- Call the law!
- No, don't.

Shit.

Yakshemesh.

In US and A,
very rich people like to drink wine.

It is like Kazaki wine,

but not made from
fermented horse's urine.

I go to meet Mississippi
gentleman to find more. Jenqui.

- Hi. Welcome to Jackson.
- Nice to meet you.

Thank you. Welcome to
Jackson, Mississippi.

Thank you.

In tasting wines, there's three things

that you watch and enjoy.

One is the color of the wine.

See how nice the color of this is?

And the next thing is the aroma.

And you smell the product.

- Hold it.
- Man: Hold it by the stem.

Yeah, the proper way is right here.

He's gonna let you do this one.

- Here, wait.
- Let me... let me.

Just do... touch it like I did.

Here. I want you to taste it.

- That's the proper way to take...
- Yeah.

Grab the glass like that.

- Is it glak?
- Yes, it's a cup.

- So, grab that.
- This?

No, the glass. The cup.

Take the cup. No, no, no.

Take the cup. Here.
Yeah.

- You take it.
- Take the... here.

- You want?
- No.

You, here.

There you go.

Now.

- That's okay.
- You take it.

You hold it. You hold it.

- Yeah, hold it.
- Okay.

Don't hold it up here, it makes it hot.

Okay.

- The proper way is like this.
- See his fingers?

- Like this.
- You want to taste...

No, you're gonna taste that
one, I'm gonna taste this one.

- You want me take this?
- Mm-hmm.

Just grab it, like this.

Yeah, well.

No, I'm not gonna hold it.
You take it.

You taste it. This one.

- This one.
- This one.

Yes? Want to taste?

He has a cold.
You might catch his cold.

No, no, no, here.
No, no, you...

- You drink. You.
- Yes?

- Okay? Yours. Come on, okay?
- Yes. Okay.

I win!

- What is this?
- This is a zinfandel.

- 2002?
- That's when it was made.

- Yes, is year my wife died.
- Oh, she did? 2002?

Nice wine. I like?

Yeah, you like? Cheers.

See, in Kazakhstan sometimes...

One, two, three.

Ain't that nice?

Nice!

Pour him a little in
this one right here.

Notice how he pours... how
gently he's pouring the wine?

- Yes.
- He turns the bottle.

It helps the wine to gently pour it.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you, Robert.

Thank you very much.

- He is your slave?
- No, no, no, no, no, not a slave.

- He is his slave?
- No, no, no, no.

He's not a slave at all. We
don't have slaves here anymore.

Yes, I hear you do
not have them anymore.

- No, no, no.
- Why you stop?

No. Well, it's a law that was passed

that they no longer
can be used as slaves.

- Which is a good thing.
- Yes.

It is a good thing for them, but, uh...

- But not so much for you.
- Right, right.

You would like very much my sister.

She is a beauty queen of Almaty.

- You want to see a picture?
- Yes.

- You want to see a picture?
- Yes!

You would like her very much.

She want to move to US and A.

- How about that?
- Wow wee.

She would want very much...

she would like you very much.

- She is beautiful.
- Wow wow wee wah.

- How about that?
- She is a nice.

Beautiful young lady.

That's not your...

We make a joke!

We pretend to be husband and wife!

We pretend to be husband...

- Oh, my goodness.
- She is crazy fun.

You'd like to meet?

I think he would.

You are my best friend.
Do you like me?

Yes, we do.
And we hope we're your friend.

- I like you.
- Absolutely.

- I like you.
- Yep.

My mother...

- she never loved me.
- Really?

- She never loved me.
- I'll bet she did.

You just didn't... she
showed it in a different way.

No, she tell me sometimes she wish

she was raped by someone else.

- No kidding.
- That I was never born.

- Well, she probably does.
- You must give me hug.

- She never hugged me!
- Uh-oh.

- She never hugged me!
- Oh, she didn't?

She never hugged me.
You will hug me?

I love you. Hold me tight!

- Hold me tight. Hold me tight.
- You're an all right guy.

- Hold me tight.
- Right on.

I love you, too.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

- Very good to see you.
- You smell so good!

You smell so good.
Why you smell?

Oh, it's my skin. I've got
some real delicate skin.

It smells like that.

It's been an honor to meet you.

We look forward to seeing you again.

So, what does ATF stand for?

Alcohol, tobacco,
firearms, and explosives.

- And what else does you sell?
- Uh... we don't sell anything.

- All right.
- So what we do here is provide a product

for police officers worldwide

the explosive detection
capability with the dogs.

How many peoples works
in the different branches?

Right here... at the center
here, we have 23 people

assigned here to take care
of the canine training.

Most of the dogs we
get are black in color.

We do get some yellows,

and rarely we'll get some
chocolate-colored ones, too.

Ain't that a bit racialist getting
mainly black dogs to do this?

Oh, not at all.

That's just part of the
Labrador retriever breeding.

- A'ight.
- The black dogs are predominant.

But ain't it a bit racialist saying,
all right, this is dangerous work,

let's get the brothers
in to go find the bombs?

No, that has nothing to do with that.

Why do you choose dogs
to decide where bombs is?

Why don't you choose a more
intelligent animal like a dolphin?

Again, that'd be quite difficult
to have a fish tank on a cart.

But I don't know if you know this,
but dolphins ain't fish.

They is like us.
They is mammories.

Correct, but they have
to get back to a water

source every now and again.
That's why they say...

the extent of work you'd have
to go into, versus a dog...

and then again, I don't know how good

their sense of smell
is compared to a dog.

- A'ight.
- Dogs are proven.

They've been used for a lot of years

because of their
phenomenal sense of smell.

So why does they stick their noses
so close to each other's butty?

Dogs, they give out,
um, different scents

to let the other dogs
know what's going on.

That's why they're constantly
smelling each other.

Because I once smelled a
dog's ass and it was horrible.

- Why does they do it?
- Different perception, though.

Something that's unpleasant to
you isn't unpleasant to them.

- Has you ever smelled a dog's ass?
- Can't say I have.

- This is Dabby.
- What?

This is Dabby and this is John.

- Hello.
- John.

- Dabby?
- No, he's Dabby.

Oh, all right. Safe.

Where does you get the dogs from?

We get the dogs from
different guide dog agencies.

A'ight.
So does you interview the dogs

or does you get, like, one
of the senior dogs to do it?

Um, the different trainers, actually,

we'll go up and we'll evaluate the dogs.

Why don't you use one of
the dogs who's been here

for, like, years to interview them?

'Cause they will know
whether it's good or bad?

Right, right.
Well, we like to set...

our dogs are busy, they're
out looking for explosives.

So they don't have
the time to go up there

and interview the other
dogs, so we do it ourselves.

So can these dogs smell drugs?

- No.
- Thank God.

- Not at all.
- Yo, respect.

- You're safe.
- What?

- Why? How's you know?
- Because you said thank God.

- What, I say that out loud?
- Yeah.

- I don't have anything on me.
- You're all set.

So, yatsbinnershim mit der Pastor Quinn.

So I am here with Pastor Quinn.
Hi.

So tell me... tell me about
yourself. What do you do?

Yes, I'm a pastor.

A pastor of a local church
here in Little Rock, Arkansas.

And I also am married.
My wife's name is Beth.

- And we have eight children.
- Wow!

Great. And tell me about the stuff
you are doing saving gay people.

Well, we have opportunity...
in fact, right now,

I am teaching through
the Book of Romans.

And that's in the New Testament.

- And in the Book of...
- Great, I love Romans.

Yes, and in the Book
of Romans in Chapter 1,

there's actually a
mention of homosexuality.

So why is being gay so out this season?

Well, I think because
there are people who find

homosexuality to be repugnant to them.

I think I may be
becoming a little bit gay.

Because I had sex with
this Brazilian guy.

Like, really, really cute.

And, like, immediately
after I was spritzin,

I was immediately upschtaine

immediately afterwards
and ready to go again.

What do you think that means?

Well, I think if in fact you
did have a sexual relationship

with another man, of the
same sex as yourself...

- Yes?
- Then that's a homosexual act.

- And it could be just one act...
- Right.

- ...or it could be a series of acts.
- No.

A lot. Many.

And that means that you are
involved in homosexuality.

I'm curious about becoming straight,

but I've got a few questions first.

Will I still be able to hug men?

Of course.
It's a hug of affection

because we're brothers
and sisters in Christ

with no sexual connotation whatsoever.

So, hypothetically, according to you,

I can admire a man's
penis in the shower,

but the moment I put it in my mouth,

some sort of line has been crossed?

Well, again, that's putting
sexual connotations

- that is forbidden by God's word.
- After I'm converted,

could I choose to spend my life
with a chick with a dick?

Uh, you're talking about someone

who's had some kind of operation?

Yeah.
He's almost all the way there,

but he's just got a little something

to remind me of the good old days.

Well, I would say again, the issue is
if a person has come out of a lifestyle

in which they've had physical changes
through an operation,

- you have to know what their heart is.
- Let's talk about you for a moment.

So how many years
have you been straight?

- I've been straight all my life.
- What?

I've never had a
homosexual relationship.

So, what, you've never had
a walk on the brown side?

Never.

So if I was to give you
a lap dance right here and now,

you're telling me you
wouldn't be turned on?

Absolutely not, because it's
forbidden by the word of God.

- Okay, can I try it?
- No.

Are you scared that you'll be turned on?

No, I'm a Christian minister
and it's absolutely inappropriate.

So if Freddie Prinze Jr.
crawled in here now on all fours,

are you telling me you
wouldn't want to undress him?

The Book of Job says in a verse

that Job would not
put any worthless thing

before his eyes and that he
would not look upon a virgin.

So let's go through some things
that would be okay and not okay.

If they are okay, just say "ach ja."

If they're not okay, say
"Zat's a nicht nicht."

So showering with a friend,
ach ja or a nicht nicht?

Absolutely not. It's
forbidden by God's word.

- Which one is it, nicht nicht or ach ja?
- Nicht nicht.

- Watching "Will and Grace"?
- It's ungodly. Nicht nicht.

- Being fabulous?
- What does that mean?

- You know, just being fabulous?
- That's... that's nicht nicht

because 1 Corinthians 6 says
that's an effeminate lifestyle.

That's forbidden by God's word.

Eating brunch?

If you're eating brunch with
Christian friends and there's

no one else around that's
gonna seduce you into sin,

- it's okay.
- It's a...? It's a...?

- Ach ja.
- Ach ja.

Eating very, very chocolaty stuff
all the time.

If, in fact, you are
doing it because that's

a part of a homosexual
lifestyle, nicht nicht.

If you are eating a
chocolate dessert after a meal

and you're doing it with the
fellowship of Christian friends, ach ja.

My name is Sam Donaldson and
I've got a message for you.

News ain't just for the white man,

it's for the bros and sisters, too.

Respect.
Mad props to the hood, yo.

Mad props to the hood, yo.

- What in God's name is this?
- Respect. Safe.

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