All language subtitles for Ali G Rezurection - 1x01 - Cannes.HDTV.BATV.en

sync & correction by f1nc0
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Easy now, this be Ali G.

Back in the year twenty thousand,

me was given me own show,
and me became world-famous.

Me life, it became full of
the trappings of cebrelity.

Me didn't know who to trust

and started suspecting everyone
and becoming paranormal.

Me was becoming obsessed with fame

and losing sight of the things
that really matter in life,

like money, bitches, and drugs.

The low point was when me
Julie sat me down one day

and said, "You is changin'.
Me don't know the new you."

I told her to [bleep] off.

and started bonin' a much fitter girl
from the "X Factor" called Kiara.

A quarterfinalist.

After two months, me
realized me had made

the worst mistake of me life...

me had forgotten to
use a Connie with her.

And when she wouldn't agree to flush it,

me decided to do the right
thing and go back to me Julie.

But there is a happy ending to this.

Three weeks later,
Kiara had a miscarriage.

Booyakasha.
Enjoy the show.

A way-an-a-say
bang-a-rang jam rock!

1x01 - Cannes

Keep it real.

I is come here to Cannes,
dat is in France,

which is where the biggest pricks

from all around the world
come to sell their films.

And I is gonna try and
raise 300 million squid

for a little idea I have.

Peace a peace. West side.

- The film is called "Booka."
- "Booka"? Okay.

- Do you like the title?
- What does that mean?

Booka is like the sound
of when you shoot someone.

"Booka."

Dis is gonna be a film
dat doesn't run away

- from the real issues
- Right.

of violence and drugs.

Dis is gonna glamorize
drugs and violence.

It's going to glamorize them?

- Aii, for real.
- Real?

How much money you need?

Well, and I ain't gonna bullshit you

and say, you know, a fake figure.

I ain't gonna undersell it or
whatever, but we is lookin' at 400 mil.

400 million dollars?

Is looking at a whole
load of special effects

- and all that kind of thing.
- Oh.

- Is there room in here?
- Yeah, there is now.

- Is there room for about five of us?
- We can not overweight the lift.

Is there room for about five of us?

- No.
- No. No. No.

- Next one.
- What? Is there room?

Is there room for about five of us?

- No!
- Let us go.

Let's look at the tape
and see what you got.

Okay. Should we go down for
the room and look at the tape?

Ali G, that's me.

These are girls that I know.

We can use them, we can check them out.

Oh, okay. Oh, this
is two girls. Mm-hmm.

- Good stuff.
- Thank you.

As long as it's not just
completely thrown in.

You probably need to
show some more skin.

Yeah, we need... well, we'll get...

I was trying to get her boobs
out, but she wasn't do it.

Well, you'll have to
find someone who will.

No, we'll do that, no worries.

I is actually [bleep] that one.

No, we're gonna do the
actual thing in Jamaica.

We didn't have the money
to fly out to Jamaica.

My boy is here in Jamaica,
which is where I am.

I'm not exactly sure, like, story here.

- It's kind of...
- This is in Jamaica, this bit.

Uh-huh.

This is... I ain't using bullets there.

I doin' that noise with my mouth.

This is [bleep] me bird.

- We'll get her with her bra off.
- I mean, you know...

Try using dat now.

I still love you, girl.

Does he want to do the film?

- Who?
- You?

- Do I? Right now?
- Aii.

I'd like to see the full script
before I commit to it, yes.

Is you getting out the cash?

I don't pay cash.
No, I'm not getting out the cash.

Okay, listen, there's one other film

dat I've got that's about...
it's called "The Crown."

The story is this...

some terrorists has got into England,

and they has stuck a
grenade up the queen's vag.

Well, that's really...

the queen is not gonna
like that one very much.

I don't think it has to
be up her fanny, but...

- A'ight. Where would you put it up?
- I think just having her held hostage

and have a threat on her
would show great importance.

So where would you stick the grenade?

And Ali has got 48 hours to get it out.

Well, thanks a lot. It
has been a real pleasure.

Pleasure to meet you.
You're a nice young man.

- Wicked.
- You got some good ideas and I wish

- you all the best in the business.
- All right, well, let's do some business.

And let's talk as soon
as I read the script.

Okay, wicked. Let's do business.

Jenqui. Yakshemesh.

Hello, I like you.

Everybody say mad dog
and English gentleman

go dance in the midnight sun.

But why? I come to England

to find what make English gentleman
"English gentleman."

Jankooey.

- Hello?
- Borat?

How are you? Nice to see you.

Very nice to see you.

If man come in here with many bodyguard,

rich, with beautiful lady
with shaved pussy, with dogs,

- you will serve him?
- Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Here we...

I would do that, 44.

- And then I'd say to you...
- What are you doing?

I'm measuring your leg.

- And then I measure...
- What do... what do you do?

I measure your leg.

You try to touch...

I don't try to do anything.
All I do is measure your leg.

- You are not a homosexual?
- Wha...

- Sorry?
- You're not a...

I don't think so, but
you better ask my wife.

Oh, sorry! I am sorry!

I am sorry! I think
suddenly, you touch...

- No problem.
- No problem.

Please. You can touch!

Jankooey.

To be English gentleman,
I need English lady.

This why I meet Mrs. Heskell,
who teach me how to flirt,

so that I can do a sex
with English girl. Hmm.

Who come to learn to flirt?

Well, people like you.

That's right, yes.
You see, I just had to do

- that and you went flirty.
- Yes, I like.

When you meet somebody, you
have to look around at them

and think about something
you can compliment them on.

So, if you look at me now,
think about something you

- like about me and just say...
- Um...

you have nice tits.

Tits?

Why you laugh?
Tits? Tits?

Tits? I have nice...

is that the kind of compliment
you would give to somebody?

Flirting is a prelude
to meeting somebody.

Yes.
What does is meant, a pro-lude?

A beginning. It's a beginning.

It's a way of connecting with
somebody so you can meet them

and decide whether they are somebody
you could spend more time with.

So, after how many minutes can I say,

"Hello, do you want to
do with a sex please?"

- Hey.
- Hello.

- Borat.
- Very nice to meet you, my friend.

Very nice to meet you.

You have a gentleman club.

Yes. Now, the idea
of my gentlemen's club

has a different connotation.

In Kazakhstan, we have
a club where you go,

you have other men,

they come with friends,
they watch, they talk,

they do business, they watch a porno

with a man and a woman,

with a one with a shaved pussy.

Very exciting to see is something.

Why you laugh?
Why you laugh?

Why you laugh?

You laugh at me? I'm a twit.

- And this?
- Jacuzzi.

- It right here?
- That's right.

It is fantastic.
And what is...

- you have with girl?
- Of course.

- What is most number of people you have?
- In this one?

Hmm.
Four is comfortable, six is a crowd.

Now I go to see English club!

- Hello.
- How do you do?

- Very nice.
- Mike Evans.

Borat.

I'm the club secretary of
the Naval Military Club.

- Hello.
- This is the library.

It's very beautiful room.

Do you ever
throw out member?

Um, it has been known to happen, yes.

If a man get very...

drink and do,
uh... that.

Oh, no, I don't think
we'd allow that at all, no.

- You throw out.
- Yes.

And what if a man wants to
make love to a man's bottom?

You throw him out?

Uh, we certainly don't
approve of that at all.

We think is wrong?

- Maybe is primitive.
- We do as well. It's a...

Homosexuality is not
encouraged in the club.

- So, gentleman is not homosexual?
- Definitely not.

Hello.

- Is nice to meet you.
- And you.

And you have been to Stringfellow Club?

No.

It is fun because you have a woman
with big, how you say...

- Mammary glands.
- Mama?

Mammary glands is the
word you're looking for.

- Or breasts.
- Breasts.

- Breasts.
- Like, tits?

Tits, yes.
Not a gentleman's word.

They have girl there stand like this!

I'm sure you have them
in Kazakhstan as well?

We have, but they...
it's not like this, you know?

Well, you mustn't wrestle them so much.

- Clearly you've made them drop.
- A Tajik girl is a very big.

- Oh, so you like those?
- The Tajik.

But Uzbeki... tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny.

- Horses for courses.
- No, we do not do with a horse.

We do not like with a horse.

- No, I don't think that, no.
- It's an expression.

It means that some people
like one sort of thing,

- one people like another.
- I do not like...

English idiom.

People who like animal
to make love is sick.

- Yes, I think you're right.
- Yeah, I hear what you meant.

Listen here. I has got
none other than me main man,

Sir Rhodes Boyson, in da house.

'Cause we is talking
about the education thing.

Let's talk about the discipline.

Do you think, Sir Rhodes,

there is enough discipline in school?

I think there is slightly
less than there should be.

- Do you believe kids should be caned?
- I do. I have...

- You do?
- I do.

- Wicked, man!
- I am...

You believe kids should
be caned even in school?

- Even in school.
- Do you not think, Sir Rhodes,

if you get caned in school,
you can't concentrate as well?

'Cause a lot of people out there
say that if you're getting caned...

Well, I was caned a time
and I've concentrated all my life.

You were caned?
Respect, man.

- From that, so they...
- Respect.

Yeah, so, I mean, it was...
I mean, it shouldn't be done evil

- and it shouldn't be done badly. But it...
- You gotta have good stuff.

- You have to have rules in life.
- You have to have good cane.

You have to have a good cane.

Do you think porn stars should
teach sex education in school?

- No. No.
- Why not?

Because I do not respect
porn... stars, as you say.

But they has more bonin'
experience than anyone else.

Oh yeah. But it is not the experience
that I want for our country.

But someone who has had
a four header or whatever

will know how to cope
with any situation.

Well, I... some of these situations

I wouldn't put myself in
for the beginning.

For real.
Me feelin' that, Sir Rhodes.

Me feelin' that so strong.

Do you think there
should be mixed schools?

I think there should be a choice.

For parents and the pupils themselves.

Do you not think, though,
if you have mixed schools,

all the boys will spend
all their time chasin' muff

and all the girls will spend all
their time preparin' their muff?

No. I think
if the school is running properly,

if they're in a
well-controlled school,

then it's right.

But me, me got an A-plus in punani,
but me failed me exams

'cause me was so into the
chasin' the bit of... beaver.

Well, you'll have to... well, that's...
that's your fault.

I think overall, single sex schools

work better than mixed schools.

But don't you think
single-sex girls' schools,

they just breed, you know,

people who drink from the furry cup?

But never having drunk
from the fairy cup,

I don't know what the liquor is in it.

Aii, you know, Sir Rhodes, you know.

You know, dem girls that is
drinking from the furry cup,

that like to eat from the bushy plain...

- You know what I is getting at?
- Yeah.

Yes, I know what you're getting at.

You is rockin'.
Sir Rhodes Boyson in da house.

Booka, booka. Wicked.

You is da man. I wish you was
my teacher all them years ago,

and I wouldn't have turned out like dis.

Booyakasha.

Booyakasha.

Charity is well important, innit?

10 year ago, when me was on telly
earning 200 quid a week,

me would give back
by goin' to disadvantaged parts of town

and bonin' as many girls as me could.

Me didn't discriminate against
who would get me charity.

The mentally ill,
the slightly overweight,

refugees... nice.

But me drew the line at
the physically spasticated.

Another thing me done for charity

was something called "Comic Relief."
Check it out!

Big it up for none other than
Victoria and David Beckham!

Now, Scary, is you comfy?

- Beckham, what about you?
- All right.

- Now, where did you two meet?
- We met at the football.

Beckham, was you into the
Spice Girls beforehand?

No, but I was into Posh.

Had you ever seen a picture
of her and knocked one out?

That's a yes, innit?

Come on, what about that picture of her

in the black catsuit and
boots that come up well high?

Apparently in that video,
if you freeze-frame it,

you can actually see a
tiny bit of camel toe.

- Oh, no!
- Ain't that right?

I can see...

Yeah, that's more like
a camel hoof, girl.

All right, now, it must be amazing
going out with a Spice Girl.

But in an ideal world,
and no disrespect to your bitch...

in an ideal world,
wouldn't you rather be with Baby?

No.

So how many of the Spice
Girls turned you down

before you went for Posh?

- You went for Scary first, what?
- No, just this one.

Now, does you go
to watch him play football?

Yeah, I do.
Whenever I can.

'Cause Brooklyn loves
going to watch him,

so as much as we can.

Me heard there is an insulting
song that they sing about you.

Has you heard it?
What is the words?

They say, "Posh Spice ...
takes it up the ass."

- That ... you take it up the ass?
- That's what they say.

But that ain't insulting!

That is the biggest compliment
you can pay to a woman.

Respect!

No, but seriously, does
you take it up the butty?

No, of course I don't.

Beckham, you telling me you
ain't never been caught offside?

Now, Beckham, do you reckon the
better the footballer you is,

- the fitter the girl you go out with?
- Obviously.

So you is the best at footie, you know?
So you get Posh.

So does Sporty Spice go out with
someone from Scumford United?

- That's horrible!
- You's got a little nipper.

Do you reckon you is good parents?

Yeah.
I do think we're good parents.

So when did you teach him
to roll his first spliff?

I will never teach him that.

Why not? You should never
deny your kid education.

- So, what's he called?
- Brooklyn.

All right. And how did
you come up with that name?

Well, we found out that I
was pregnant while we was...

while I was on tour in America.

And we was in Brooklyn
when we found out.

So, had you actually done it there?

- No, we didn't do it there.
- Oh, for real?

We did it in Denmark,
if you really want to know.

So how come you never
called him Denmark?

That would be a well
good idea, though, what?

'Cause if me and me Julie had a kid,
we'd call him Langley Village.

Well, his full name would be

the Bogs in the KFC
in Langley Village.

So tell me, does
Brooklyn like your music

or is he getting a bit old for it now?

He does like music.

He's really, you know,
he jigs about and dances.

He's also into football as well.
So it's nice.

- Respect.
- A footballer with rhythm.

So tell me, is your little boy

starting to put whole
sentences together?

He's saying little
bits and pieces, yeah.

And what about Brooklyn?

- That was Brooklyn!
- All right. Okay.

So, do you want him to grow up
to be a footballer like his dad

or a singer like Mariah Carey?

Well, I am hoping that he will grow
up to be a footballer like his dad

and I'd like to grow up and
be a singer like Mariah Carey.

Respect.

We has gotta have a break now

'cause Posh is gonna do a bit
of breast-feeding backstage.

Just out of interest,
is there one going spare?

Check you laters.

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