All language subtitles for English.Teacher.S02E04.1080p.WEB.h264-ETHEL

What is wrong with you?

No!

My mom is gonna think
I'm a failure!

The seniors, they're losing their
minds much more than usual this year,

-don't you think?
-College applications are due on Friday.

That's two days left, Evan.

But yes, yes, you're right,
it's much worse than usual.

Let's In here.

Yes, last name... Would you close
it? Close it. Yep, last name Baines.

Plays clarinet like a fucking
genius, volunteers with animals.

Wait, no, even better,
old people.

See, it's a stressful time
for Rick, for the students,

so it's best to go easy on
everybody. Just two more days.

This whole college admissions
process has gotten so intense.

I feel like I can't give
my seniors any actual work.

-Do not give them work.
-Why would you give them work?

I'm not sweating shit, Bill.

If you don't want these kids, I got Emory
and UVA dying to take them off my hands.

-Is this how admission works?
-We're very lucky to have Rick.

This is where he shines.

Fucker called my bluff.

Carol, get me Virginia Tech on
line two and a couple of aspirin!

-Who's Carol?
-My assistant.

-I got a sophomore running errands for me.
-I can't hear this.

All right, guys,
thoughts on the reading?

-No.
-No thoughts?

We all too stressed with
these college applications?

I am spread thin, Mr. Marquez.

I close my eyes and all I can see
are application forms, essays to write.

Nothing but my whole
dang future on the line.

What about you two? You're not
applying to school until next year, right?

I choose to withhold my thoughts
out of respect for my elders here.

-Aw.
-I mean, look at these raggedy bitches.

-Who is that?
-Look, you guys are gonna be fine.

The-These schools, they want well-rounded
kids from diverse backgrounds.

But they got rid
of affirmative action.

Can't check that box anymore.

Yeah,
that is messed up actually.

I don't really plan on going to
college 'cause that's for suckers,

but if I were y'all,
I think I'd be pissed too.

It's so stupid that they
got rid of affirmative action.

Don't people realize that that's part
of what makes university so great?

Diversity of thought,
diversity of perspective.

I don't see color. I live
in a post-racial America.

Becca, you were reading a book
about eugenics yesterday.

-I thought that said Eugene.
-Eugene Hackman. RIP.

I think what you guys should do
is in your essays

find subtle ways
to hint at diversity, right?

Like, if I was gonna write one right now,
I'd be like, "Oh, in my house growing up,

we ate Colombian food all the
time, but for us it was just food."

-Hmm. How do you spell Colombian?
-Jeff, no, you can't use that.

So in my essay,
I should say that I'm Mexican?

Yeah. Yes. I think so, yes.

Even though these schools, like, can't
do this on a "technical" level anymore.

They-They still care
about your lived experience.

They care about
the uniqueness of who you are,

and you can express that
through your essays, right?

Diversity is
obviously important.

-That is not a controversial thing to say.
-Agreed.

I love those diverse reboots, like when
they rebooted the NBA with all women.

I'm so glad I don't have to see
your ass again after graduation.

Wake Forest,
you fucked me last year.

Not gonna let that happen again.

-That smells better.
-Fucking put me on hold again.

-Gwen.
-What?

-I need your help today, big time.
-What do you need?

Bob Ruby, the football
recruiter from Tech.

He's coming today
to scout Bradley Phillips.

Whoa. That's a big deal.

A lot of D1 schools drooling over
this kid, but Tech is his best shot.

Hundred percent. He could be the next
Patrick Mahomes. That's a quarterback.

Wow. Bradley Phillips is the
sweetest kid, and he's tall.

-That kid is so tall. He's so tall.
-That kid's a stud.

He also is the best prospect
this school has had in 20 years,

and he has a cannon for an arm,
okay?

I don't think sweet has
anything to do with it.

No, I just mean that he's
very emotionally available.

You mean he cries a lot.

-Yes.
-Yeah.

He cries a lot.

If he's crying a lot, I'll send
him to liberal arts school.

-I got a lot of openings.
-Gwen, this is a problem.

It's a high pressure situation.

I cannot sell a quarterback
that cries, Gwen.

Especially with the stress of
all these college admissions.

If he loses it in front of Bob
Ruby today, his chances are done.

-It's over.
-Shoot, that's so much pressure.

What am I supposed to do?
I'm not, like, his mom.

Calm him down. You're Gwen.

The studies show that redheads
have a natural de-stressing effect.

That's why Wendy's
is so popular.

Where are you finding
these studies?

You're wait-listing Liana?
Are you joking me?

I feel like part of the reason
that college admissions

has gotten so stressful is because they
got rid of this affirmative action thing

and set the country back,
like, 80 years.

They only did that to, like,
simplify the admissions process.

Markie, what's simple
is that this whole system

tilts strongly in favor of
white rich people.

I love rich white people.

And affirmative action was one
small way of leveling the playing field.

Can we talk about anything
else? Like the fact that my dad

is literally being closed in on
by the IRS.

For what? For having a Patreon
about lawn mowing?

Evan, I actually see
your point here, man.

Like, the way you're always
banging the DEI drum. I get it, man.

I'd do the same thing
if it got me this job.

-Wow, very funny, Markie. Very funny.
-I ain't joking.

Wait, you're legitimately
suggesting that I was a diversity hire?

No, I mean, it's just, like,
a rumor I heard.

-Yo, Grant, big dog.
-Is there something you need, Evan?

Nah, I'm just
I mean, I was bored.

I was, like,
having the new soup at lunch.

Have you tried that? I think
it's a split pea, is that right?

Are you asking me
if it's a split pea?

What's going on, Evan?

You know what I've never asked
that's so random?

Is like, was I a DEI hire?

Oh, my God.

-I'm a diversity hire?
-Please, I can't comment on this.

-You didn't ever tell me this?
-What does it matter, Evan?

It happened all those years ago.

I mean, I can't remember
what happened years ago.

It was pre-COVID.
Everything pre-COVID,

it's-it's just all gone up here.
My hair...

You were hiding this from me
because you knew it was embarrassing?

This is interesting. I thought you were
explicitly in favor of these programs.

Of course I'm in favor of DEI. I'm
just saying this is me, this is my career.

This is different. I I'm worried for
the state of the school if you're not

even taking into account someone's
teaching ability when you hire them.

Really, you're worried about the school?
Not just a little bit about your own ego?

-I'm allowed to have feelings about this.
-All right. Okay. Okay.

You are a great teacher
regardless of how you got here.

-Which one was it?
-Which one was what?

Gay or Latino, which quota
was I hired to fill?

Honestly, the gay thing has
proven to be a little tricky,

so take that for what you will.

You gotta see him
air it out, Bob.

You gotta see this.
Bradley! Let's go deep.

Huh.

It's all right. Regroup.
It's all good, son.

-It only affects the rest of his life.
-I'm so sorry.

-Oh.
-Is he all right?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he's fine.

Right, Gwen?

I think he's just thirsty.
Hold on, let me just give

Uh, I-I gotta give him
some water.

He's a natural competitor.

He really carries
the weight of the team.

He's not a crier, is he?

-No, no, no.
-Is he a goddamn crier?

No, those are tears of rage.

Oh.

I just got a text
from my new wife.

Hmm.

I'm so fucking in love.

You don't need to cry. It's
just a fun, silly game.

I thought
my future depended on it?

Uh, yeah, it sort of does, yeah.

But... No, no, no.

You know what? Bob Ruby thinks
you're so great.

-Really?
-Yeah, so throw that ball, okay?

I'm getting horribly sunburned.

You got it, Miss Sanders.

-There it is. There it is.
-Oh! Oh!

-There it is.
-Wow. Wow.

You've done a damn
fine job with that young man.

Thank you.

I got no kids of my own, so I treat
all my players like they're my sons.

You a fellow vasectomy victim?

No, low sperm count,
which I inherited ironically.

-Ain't that amazing?
-Yeah, it was great.

I'm gonna call the head honcho, tell him
we got a live one down here in Morrison.

We should talk later, Markie,
the two of us.

-Okay.
-You help us get this kid on our team,

there might just be a spot
on the coaching staff for you.

Did he just offer you a job?

Yeah, that just happened.
Wow. That just happened.

"Me and my abuela would gather
around the TV with a bowl of totopos

and watch American Dad!, or as
we called it El Padre Americano."

"I could see firsthand through
her love of Roger the alien

that mi abuela no longer
felt like an illegal alien."

-That's good, Pablo.
-Loved it.

-Okay, that's fire.
-So good, man.

So cultural.

But maybe you can lean away from
this Mexican stuff in the next draft.

-What the hell are you talking about?
-What did he say?

No, I'm saying don't you
want to get into college based

on your own merits, not on
the country that your abuelita's

But yesterday didn't you just tell him to
include that he was Mexican in the essay?

I'm just saying these essays
should focus on the content

of your character,
not on your external identity.

Okay, this is literally the opposite
of what you were saying yesterday.

-You're so fake, Mr. Marquez.
-You can't do this. You can't switch up.

-I'm not switching up.
-I get it, brother. You're MAGA now.

No, I'm not. I just
I-I-I don't want you guys

to end up feeling
like charity cases, okay?

That's not gonna
feel good either, trust me.

So it's charity when people
of color get into college?

I'm-I'm talking about
how smart you are.

I'm talking about you-you
you believing in yourself.

You don't You don't wanna
show up somewhere and be like,

"Did I really get this job?"

Okay, but what if I'm a legacy?

Like, I can't help that my
dad got into Arizona State.

Legacy is just as bad.

It's-It's just another way
to not actually earn your spot.

But if you're dumb, you low-key
have no other option.

Yeah, it's true.

All right.
Well, guess what?

I'm here out of the kindness
of my heart to help you

guys with these essays because I'm
a teacher that goes above and beyond.

So if you don't want my advice,
I'm out of here.

-Wait. Wait.
-Come on, Mr. Marquez,

don't act like that.

Dude, do you feel like
we don't appreciate you?

You're the best gay
Latino teacher I've ever had.

-Oh, God, Jeff.
-Latin temper like mi abuela.

-Miss Sanders?
-Hey.

-Can I talk to you for a sec?
-Yeah, of course.

I always have time
for the next, uh

God,
I want to say O.J. Simpson,

that's the only football player
that I know. So

-Mm-hmm.
-What's up? Okay. Oh, my God.

Bradley, you can let it out.
You can cry here.

Don't... Oh. Yep, don't
hold it in. Don't hold it in.

There's a lot of
pressure on you right now.

No, it's not that. It's just I overheard
Bob Ruby on the phone with his head coach

saying something about how much
of a joke Coach Hillridge is.

They're just leading him on so they don't
lose another player to a rival school.

Wha What?

He called him a nobody.

But don't tell
Coach Hillridge that.

Why do you care so much about
whether you're DEI or not? DEI is fab.

I have a lot
of DEI friends actually.

And plus, like, no one even
knows why anyone hires anyone.

Like, they just gave me an
assistant at work for the first time

and I purposely
hired someone, like,

really bad so I would
look better in comparison.

You have an assistant?

Yeah, Devian. She's horrible.

I don't know, I just don't feel like I
can go into work with my head held high,

knowing that my teaching abilities
had very little to do with me being hired.

Oh, my God. Wait.

Okay, I have an idea.
It's maybe one of my best ever.

What if you interviewed
at my company?

No, no, no,
I don't want to leave my job.

I just think that it's
weird why I got hired.

Also, your company is so
sketchy and scary to me.

No, you wouldn't have
to actually work at Mugu.

It's more of, like, a social
experiment, like MrBeast.

Like you interview at my job and
pretend to be straight and white.

Hmm. Pretend I'm straight
and white, and that way I could

prove that I'm good
enough to work at Mugu?

Exactly. To prove
that it's easier to get a job

as a straight, white guy.

And to prove to Grant that you're
not some, like, box he can check off.

I think that's an insane idea.

Malcolm, this is so stupid.

I don't know how you talked
me into this, exclamation point.

It's cool that they have
kombucha here all the time though.

I'm having one, period.

Do you have one every day,
question mark?

Okay, I'm-I'm I'm leaving.
I'm-I'm not gonna do this.

-Evan Marks?
-Oh.

Yeah, that's me.

Well, listen, we're always looking
for energetic, competent people,

-and I love your attitude.
-Thanks.

Yeah, but I'd love to
know a little bit more about you.

You know, what you do in your spare
time. What makes Evan Marks tick?

You know, I'm just a regular
guy. I like Barstool Sports.

And I'm in a running club that's, like,
basically turning into an IPA club lately.

Eh oh!

Yeah, just whenever I'm
looking for something to watch,

I fire up some Nate Bargatze
on the TV and...

Oh. Nice, man, love him.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

You know, me and my wife
will order in some Thai food

and then we just
make out basically.

She and I,
we'll just lay together in bed

and you know what happens
after that so

Hmm. Well, look, we usually go
through more of an intense process

bringing on new team members,

but I think it is safe to say there's
definitely a place for you here at Mugu.

What? Ju-Just like
Just like that?

Yeah,
sometimes it's that easy.

We'll be in touch within
the week, get you an offer.

Oh, that's awesome, man.
Thank you.

It's-It's so nice to be hired for, you
know, just me, just who I really am.

Yeah, of course.

You know, we're always looking for
more diverse voices around the office.

I know the whole country is moving
away from the DEI thing, but not Mugu.

-What are you talking about?
-Well, come on, Evan.

All that stuff about your wife,
you don't need to fool anybody.

I'm gay too. Okay?
It's all right.

Plus I'm getting a little bit
of a Latino vibe.

You got a big butt. It's nice.

Hell yeah. First away game at
Missouri. That'll be a fun-ass trip.

-Hey, Markie.
-Hey.

Hey. What are you doing in
here? You never come in here.

What, are they fumigating
your office?

I just came in here to, like
I don't know

agree with you or like
commiserate or something.

-Oh, yeah, what's up?
-I don't know. I just

I-I came from this stupid
job interview that I just did

to, like, prove a point, and it
made me basically realize you

you were right.

DEI is bad.

-You're agreeing with me?
-I don't know.

I guess I thought all this,
like, social progress was good,

but now I see that, like,
these-these programs are just

they're kind of stupid, and
they hurt people who think that

that they were talented enough to get
their jobs on their own merits, you know.

I mean, great.
I'm happy to hear it.

I'm glad you're finally coming
around, but here's the thing.

Without DEI, I don't think
I'd be friends with a gay guy.

Yeah, that's probably true.

And now look at us, a Hispanic
gay man and a badass straight dude.

Amigos, right?
That's crazy, right?

I don't think I'd call it
crazy, but I see your point.

No, it's crazy.
I'm fired up now.

Think, like, lesbians,
for example.

If left to their own devices,
what are they gonna do?

Hang out with other lesbians
exclusively and then what happens?

You end up with a fire
department, only lesbians.

I've seen some jacked-ass
lesbians, don't get me wrong,

but like you need a couple
big strong dudes in the mix.

We need the government
to come in and make sure

there's big strong dudes
in the mix, you know?

You're losing me with this one,
but I I hear you.

That's all right, man.

At the end of the day, the only
thing that matters is the stuff within

a three mile radius of me, where
I live, you know what I'm saying?

-Mm-hmm.
-The job, the school, the restaurants.

Man, we got great restaurants
around here.

We take them for granted too.

- The barbecue alone
-Yeah, I mean, honestly, in all of this,

I think I haven't been really
thinking about the students enough.

I could do barbecue.
I could do barbecue right now.

Burgers? I do burgers. I'll do
wings. I'm not I mean, I'm hungry...

Markie, I I did not agree
to go to lunch with you.

I think you got lost in your
own head, but thank you for this.

All right, man. All right.

-Let's go to lunch tomorrow.
-I do pizza too.

Hey, Bob,
can I talk to you for a second?

Let me just finish this
Memoji video for my new wife.

Honey,
that was funny as hell.

I love you now and always.

Send. Oh, she's so much better
than my ex.

Okay, go ahead.

I know you think that we should
feel really lucky to be graced

by your presence here at our
humble high school, but I think the real

reason that you're here is
because you're desperate.

What in tarnation
is this all about?

Last year, Tech goes
11-3, 36 points per game.

Wow, their quarterback coach
must be amazing, but you look a little

deeper and you're last in the
country in yards per attempt.

Your starter looks like shit
against a cupcake like Kent State,

after a bye week no less.

And the best you can do at QB
in the transfer portal

is that third stringer Reeves
from Louisville?

So yeah, I think you're desperate.

You need Bradley and you need
a good quarterback.

So what in tarnation
are you all about?

Sir, I'm so sorry about
this. Gwen, can we talk for a second?

Yeah.

What the hell are you doing?
This is Bob Ruby, okay?

This is good for Bradley.
This is good for me.

Markie, he was never
gonna give you a coaching job.

It's true.
I heard Bob Ruby say so.

Yeah, I said it.

I'll say and do whatever it
takes to get the players we want.

Look, Bob Ruby doesn't need
this headache.

-So I'ma head out.
-Ugh.

Okay.

Damn.

What, he offer you a job with all
that football knowledge you got now?

Honestly, I have no idea what I
said. Bradley wrote it out for me.

It was like
memorizing a poem in Latin.

Well, I appreciate y'all
just ripping the Band-Aid off,

you know, the truth hurts,
but it heals, right?

Come on, bud. Seriously.

Going through this whole
process just made me realize

I don't even like football.

What are you talking about?

I just wanna work at the dump
with my dad.

What?

I just wanna work at the dump
with my dad.

Okay.

You don't want to play ball anymore,
you ain't got to play ball anymore.

-Hit the showers.
-Thanks, Coach Hillridge.

I guess I'll have to wait for
the Dallas Cowboys to come calling

-after all, huh?
-Where's the fucking parking lot?

Just shove it up your ass, Bob.

Fuck this.

I'm going to Hooters.

All right, guys, gather round.

Gather round.

All right, let's talk.

First of all, I want to apologize
for some of the comments I made

in our last session.

Like when you told
Pablo to stop being Mexican?

-I did not say that.
-Kinda did.

Okay, well, what I want to say now
is that I understand that life isn't fair,

but there's actually
nothing wrong

with playing the hand of cards
that you were dealt. Okay?

So we're gonna stay here
tonight and write these essays

for as long as it takes, and
you know what you're gonna do?

You're gonna use every card in
your deck. You're a legacy, use that.

You've got familial trauma,
use that.

You're the first in your family
to go to college, use that.

Use who you are.

If you got it, flaunt it.
Stop fucking around.

If you're weird, be weird.

You don't get any points in
life for being a martyr, okay?

So you might as well take everything
you've got and throw it at the wall.

My dad does that with food.

Guys, I just got off the phone
with UT.

They're looking for
bisexuality or anxiety.

So if you've got either one
of those, put that in the essay.

And if you got both, cha-ching,
that's the jackpot, baby.

There's pizza and coffee
in the back.

I am here to help you make
these essays world-changing.

-Let's get to work.
-I get first dibs. I'm the oldest.

Evan. I wanted to share this
with you. It's the, uh

It's your file from your
interview. You can see my notes.

"Evan Marquez, diversity
candidate -Mm-hmm."

Immediately got into
an argument with me over

the student dress code,
which he deemed fascist.

If hired, will
be a giant pain in my ass,

"but will always go above
and beyond for his students."

-See?
-Very nice.

Yeah,
I was right on both counts.

I think it's probably a little much
to call me a giant pain in the ass.

Well, agree to disagree.

Man,
I have never seen him so happy.

Yeah,
that kid really loves the dump.

He sure does.

Oh, no, ma'am, thank you.

I'm happy for him, but I'd
be lying if I said I wasn't still

butt hurt from Bob Ruby dangling
that job in front of my face.

Hi, Coach Markie.

This is so cool.

There's no crying anymore, huh?

God. God,
there's an amazing energy here.

Dad,
we can take batteries, yeah?

Yeah, I got to learn
to not get my hopes up.

I bet the reason
you didn't get the job is

because they went with, like,
a diversity hire or something.

Yeah, yeah,
I bet that's it, Markie.

You don't have to feel bad
about that.

Yeah,
you're probably right.

I just hope they don't give it
to a woman, you know.

Markie.

♪ Mmm, I'm movin' out ♪

♪ Oh-ohh Ooh ooh ♪

♪ Uh-huh Mmm ♪

♪ You should never argue With a
crazy Mind-mind-mind-mind-mind ♪

-♪ You oughta know by now ♪
-♪ You oughta know by now ♪

♪ You can pay Uncle
Sam With the overtime ♪

♪ Is that all you get
For your money? ♪

♪ And if that's What
you have in mind ♪

♪ Yeah, if that's
What you're all about ♪

♪ Good luck movin' up
'Cause I'm movin' out ♪

♪ Mmm, I'm movin' out ♪