All language subtitles for The Golden Girls - 03x15 - Dorothys New Friend.

(music) Thank you for being a friend

(music) Traveled down the road and back again

(music) Your heart is true

(music) You're a pal and a confidante

(music) And if you threw a party

(music) Invited everyone you knew

(music) You would see
The biggest gift would be from me

(music) And the card attached would say

(music) Thank you for being a friend (music)

Hi, Sophia.

What you cooking?

Lasagna, for a guy at the center.

Oh! Is he cute?

Cute. He's 84,
doesn't have a hair on his head

or a real tooth in his mouth,
and his body's covered with liver spots.

To answer your question, he's adorable.

Look at the great costume
I got for the masquerade ball.

I can't decide whether to be
the front end or the rear end.

I'm in a romantic mood.

I'm gonna let that golden opportunity
pass right by.

- Hi, Dorothy.
- Oh, hello.

I got our costume for the ball
at the counseling center.

Is it time for that again?

It's the biggest social event
of the season.

- Dorothy, it'll be fun.
- It will not be fun.

There is no fun in my life.

Have you ever felt like
you're stuck in a rut,

going through the motions with no joy,
pleasure or excitement?

Sure. That was my sex life
with your father.

Ma, my job is routine.
I have virtually no social life.

Nothing interests me. My life
has just become dull and boring.

Where's that sense of fun,
that lighthearted laughter,

that devil-may-care attitude?

Sophia, when was Dorothy ever like that?

Never. I've been asking her
these questions since she's 12.

You can't help it
if you're dull and boring.

God did that to give
the world some variety.

Otherwise, everybody
would be just like me.

And there wouldn't be
enough sailors to go around.

Your life doesn't have to be dull.

It's up to you to make it interesting.

Oh, I know. You're right.

Get off your duff and do something.

There's a lecture at the school tonight.

Barbara Thorndyke is going to speak.

Who's Barbara Thorndyke?

A local novelist whose stories
are all set in Florida.

Wait a second. Barbara Thorndyke.

Didn't she write
Evil Wind Over Pensacola?

- You know it?
- I go to bed with it every night.

- What's it about?
- How should I know?

My mattress frame lost a caster.
I use it to keep the bed level.

- Hi, Dorothy.
- Hi, Blanche.

Are we expecting company?

Yep. Barbara Thorndyke.

I introduced myself after the lecture.

We went out and had coffee
and talked for hours.

What you talk about?

Art, literature, world events, life.

I haven't had that stimulating
a conversation in years.

If you're saying you can't get
stimulating conversation

around this house, I beg to differ.

I can't believe it.

It says since Michael Jackson
can't buy the Elephant Man,

he's put in a bid
for the remains of the Big Bopper.

You can't believe everything
you read in that rag.

It caters to people
of the lowest intelligence.

Then why do you buy it?

Because it's the only newspaper

Elvis will talk to
from beyond the grave.

- I'm sorry. Where was I?
- It's not important. Listen, Rose.

Let's put this away so that
Barbara Thorndyke won't see it.

Barbara Thorndyke is coming here?

Wow. I've never met
a real author before.

I have. I once stood in line
two hours at a bookstore

for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph.

When I think of great
literary figures of our time,

it's usually, uh, Faulkner,
Fitzgerald, and Schwarzenegger.

Schwarzenegger. Yeah.

- Did he sign your book?
- Yes.

But only after he refused
to sign my thigh.

He was probably intimidated
to see a thigh bigger than his.

Oh, hi, Ma.

Anybody want a lasagna?

I thought you made that for your friend.

He said he had lunch already.

I offered to go to his place
and warm it up for supper.

He said no.

The key is to make a man think
you're not interested in him.

Offering to make him dinner
made you look too easy.

Please. Black underwear and pasties

couldn't make me look easy.

[Doorbell rings]

- Barbara, please, come in.
- Hello.

- Oh, hello.
- These are my friends.

That's Blanche Devereaux.
Rose Nylund.

How do you do?

Sit down. Sit down.

Well, Barbara,
Dorothy tells us you're an author.

No, I'm just a writer.
Malamud's an author.

I thought malamuds
were chocolate cookies

with marshmallows in the middle.

Those are mallomars, Rose.

Dorothy, I want you to have
a copy of my latest novel.

Oh. Scarlet Dawn at Boca Raton.

Read the inscription.

Oh. "To Dorothy Zbornak,

a new and fascinating friend."

Oh, thank you so much.
I'm really touched.

I'll get the coffee
and let you get to know each other.

Barbara, that is a stunning brooch.
Wherever did you get it?

Oh. I was in Morocco working on a novel,

not to mention a dashing young Moroccan,

Oh!

When I had a severe attack
of writer's block.

My head was devoid
of all ideas and thoughts.

That happens to me a lot.

Do you write?

No.

Why do you ask?

Go on, Barbara.

I went for a walk
in a crowded marketplace.

A man came up behind me,
put something in my hand,

and said, "This is what you need."

That happened to me once
in the produce section at the A&P.

Well, anyway,

the man gave me the brooch,

and since then,
I've never had any problem writing.

This is my muse,
my artistic inspiration,

the embodiment of my creativity.

And you know what's even better?
It goes with anything.

It might be a little tricky with plaid.

I'd be careful if I were you.

You missed the point of my story.

Oh, really? Run it by us again.

I think not.

So, um, you bowl?

I beg your pardon?

How's it going?

I've had the most
delightful conversation

with Rose and Madge.

- That's Blanche.
- Oh, of course.

However I just remembered
a previous engagement. I have to go.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, at least let me
walk you to your car.

What do you think?

There's something about her
I don't like.

- Me, too.
- I find her hard to talk to.

- Me, too.
- She thinks I'm dumb.

Me, too.

Blanche, have you decided
who you're gonna be at the ball?

Yes. I'm going as Eve
from the Garden of Eden.

All I'll need is a few
strategically placed leaves.

- What about a snake?
- I already have a snake.

I'm going with Hank Crinland.
He's a whiplash attorney.

Dorothy, Rose and I are going
to the movies. You wanna go?

I can't tonight. Barbara's taking me
to the experimental theater downtown.

Somebody dragged me
to a show there one time.

Three men paraded
around the stage for five hours

talking about God
and eating graham crackers.

They wore masks, but other than that,
they were totally naked.

You stayed through the whole evening?

Well, I would've left,

but one of the actors
looked so familiar to me.

But it was hard to tell
since he had such a small part.

Dorothy, come with us.
You'll have a lot more fun.

Besides, that Barbara is so snooty.

How can you say that?
You hardly know her.

Why doesn't she include us
in plans she makes with you?

Because you have different interests.

Is it too much to ask of my best friends
that they respect my right

to have different interests
and people in my life?

- I guess not.
- Thank you.

And I promise we'll do something
together real soon. Okay?

Maybe she's right. We didn't
give Barbara much of a chance.

First impressions can be wrong.

You're right.

I remember when I was little
back in St. Olaf.

There was this old lady
who lived up the street.

She never smiled.

She always looked angry.

The kids said she'd kill anyone
who even stepped on her property.

We called her
Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper.

Yeah, kids can be pretty cruel.

No. That was her name.
Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper.

She had it changed legally 'cause
everybody called her that anyway.

Then how come your name
isn't Big Dummy?

There were already three other
people in town with that name.

But that's beside the point.

One day I got up the courage

to go up
to Mean Old Lady Higgenlooper

and ask her why she always frowned.

Well, she had been born
with no smiling muscles.

I pointed out

that a frown is just a smile
turned upside down.

So from then on, whenever I'd go by,

she'd stand on her head and wave.

That is one of the stupidest stories
I've ever heard.

Which proves my first impression
of you was right.

Blanche, I have an idea.

Why don't we invite Barbara over
for dinner and give her another chance?

Why not? If it makes Dorothy happy.

Let's go to the movies.

Rose, what was
your first impression of me?

I thought you wore
too much makeup and were a slut.

I was wrong.
You don't wear too much makeup.

And so Dorothy Parker
turned to Alexander Woollcott

and said, "If you laid all the women
in this room end to end,

I wouldn't be a bit surprised."

Very clever.

Very, very clever.

I can't remember hearing
anything more clever.

Unless it was last week on Alf,
when the cat next door...

I'll go get the after-dinner drinks.

Barbara, I picked up
your first novel the other day.

Ah, yes. So Dark the Waves
on Biscayne Bay.

I've grown so much
as a writer since then.

Well, I should hope so.

Blanche.

It's all right. Did you have
a problem with my book?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.

All those waves.
Big waves, little waves.

Dark waves rolling in.
Page after page.

I had to take a Dramamine
to get through chapter three.

Blanche, the waves are a metaphor.

You see, a metaphor...

I know what a metaphor is, dear.
I'm not a dummy.

Blanche, what's a metaphor?

It's when you use a phrase
to mean something else.

Like when I say,
"Men are blinded by my beauty,"

they're not really blinded.

They get their sight back
in a day or two.

Oh, Barbara,
this is my mother, Sophia.

Ah. Sophia, your daughter

is one of the most beautiful people
I've ever met.

Boy, you writers
never stop using your imagination.

- [Horn blares]
- Well, good-bye.

Where are you going?

It's Saturday night.

I'm all dressed up.
There's a car honking for me.

Think, Dorothy.
Remember something called "a date"?

Well, I'd better be going to.

But it's still so early.

I thought we could all have
a game of oogle and floogle.

I don't believe I've ever heard of that.

We used to play it back in St. Olaf.

It's an adult version
of hide-and-go-seek.

And how does it differ
from the children's version?

Adults play it.

Of course. I should have known.

I'll take a rain check.

It was so nice of you to come by.

I have an extra ticket
for the writers symposium on Friday.

Would you like to come?

I'd love to, Barbara. Thank you.

Anything for a friend. Ciao.

Ciao.

And good-bye to you, too, Barbara.

Dorothy, the masquerade ball
is Friday night.

You know how much it means to me.

I'm counting on you to be
the rear end of my horse.

Rose, sweetheart,

this Friday I can choose between
rubbing elbows with Norman Mailer,

or doing the hokey-pokey
in a horse costume

with your behind in my face.

Well, which is it gonna be?

Rose, honey, pass me the tuffy.

- With pleasure, Blanche.
- Thank you, Rose.

You're welcome, Blanche. You can always
count on me to hand you the tuffy.

I know. That's why I always ask you.

I think I saw Jack and Janet
give Chrissy this treatment

on an episode of Three's Company.

Oh, at last, a reference from Dorothy

that even we illiterates can understand.

I guess her well of knowledge
has run dry.

That's a metaphor, Dorothy.

Why is it so important that
I go to this masquerade ball?

Because it's so important to Rose.

She's crushed, torn up,

devastated by your shocking
insensitivity to her feelings.

- I don't feel that bad.
- Shut up, Rose.

I never said I was going.

Since when do we have
to say we're going?

We've gone for the past five years.

We may hate it, but we always go.

You never told me you hated it.

I'm a good friend.

A good friend would never
say anything like that.

I appreciate that.

Just admit that this is
because you don't like Barbara.

All right. I don't like Barbara.
I think she's a phony.

Oh. This from a woman
who tells her dates

that she was Angie Dickinson's
body double in Dressed to Kill.

That's just a little white lie.

Then why is it on your job resumé?

Blanche is right, Dorothy.

Barbara is not very nice.

She looks down on everybody except you.

- That's only 'cause you look up to her.
- That is ridiculous.

You don't notice
how she uses her intelligence

to make everybody else look stupid.

Like at supper when she asked us
to pass the salt in Latin.

She cares more about words
than she does about people.

You have a right to have
your own friends,

but it takes a good friend
to point out your mistakes,

and you're making one with Barbara.

How dare you make judgments like that.

And how dare you tell me
who my friends should be.

Barbara, this place is incredible.

Yes.

It's the hangout for Miami's
literary intelligentsia.

Ah, thank you.

Well, I've never seen a menu
with a table of contents before.

Skip ahead to chapter five.
It's the lunch menu.

Oh, gee, everything sounds so good.

The Crepes of Wrath.

The Old Man and the Seafood Salad.

I think I will have the For Whom
the Stuffed Bell Pepper Tolls.

I'll have a turkey sandwich
on Catcher in the Rye bread

with a side order
of George Bernard Slaw.

Barbara, I've really come
to value our friendship.

That's why I feel I can
talk to you about something.

Feel free. If I had a problem,
I'd wanna confide in someone like me.

Ever since we became friends,

there has been a great deal of tension
between Blanche and Rose and me.

I didn't mean to infringe
on your friendship.

No, no. It's not your fault.

The problem is they feel
left out of our friendship,

and I don't know what to do about it.

Face it, Dorothy.
Blanche and Rose are limited.

Well, I admit I get tired
of hearing about Blanche's dates

and Rose's relatives back in St. Olaf,

but they are very good friends.

If you like them,
I must have overlooked something.

I have an idea.

Why don't I invite everybody
and their dates for dinner

at the Mortimer Club?

The Mortimer Club?

Barbara, that is
the most exclusive club in town.

Here we are, ladies.

I didn't order the French fries.

Oh, right. You get
the Edgar Allan Poe-tatoes

and the Ice Water Cometh.

You know, a little of that
goes a very long way.

I'm having second thoughts

about spending another evening
with Barbara.

I don't think it'll hurt
to give her another chance.

We're going to the Mortimer Club.

What's the big deal?

Rose, the wealthiest men
in Florida go there.

It's been my experience
that wealthy men make the best lovers.

Is that true?

No. But if you tell them that,
sometimes they'll take you to the mall

and let you use
their credit card for 45 minutes.

Blanche, honey, I hope you don't mind.

I borrowed your rhinestone necklace.

No, but I should point out

it was designed for a dainty neck.

Yes, Blanche, but I don't know
Mike Tyson well enough

to borrow his jewelry.

[Doorbell rings]

Hello, Madge.

That's Blanche.

Oh, didn't I say that?

This is my date, Norman.

He's a student
in my creative writing course.

I didn't know you taught high school.

Norman and I
are the same age spiritually.

Hey, if you can get him to buy that,
more power to you.

Hello, Barbara.

Hi, Dorothy, Rose.

I certainly hope tonight
will help us forget

what happened the other night.

I already forgot
what happened the other night.

But I'm 82 years old.

This morning I forgot
my cat's been dead for 20 years.

Which makes me wonder:
Who's using the kitty litter?

[Doorbell rings]

Hello. Come in.

Oh, Murray, what a snazzy tux.

I better not let you
out of my sight tonight.

That's my daughter Dorothy.
These are her friends.

Everybody, I'd like you
to meet Murray Guttman.

How do you do?

Murray, such a pleasure to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Dorothy, could I see you
in the kitchen for a second?

We have a little problem.

- We do?
- Yes.

Murray Guttman?

Oh. Maybe we can get him
to turn his jacket inside out.

I'm sure the lining isn't as loud.

His tuxedo has nothing to do with it.

I don't understand.

He can't come to the club.

- Why not?
- Guttman.

What are you talking about?

Guttman. He's Jewish, isn't he?

I don't know.
What difference does it make?

Oh, a big difference.
The Mortimer Club is restricted.

Why are you
a member of a club like that?

Because they serve a great breakfast
and the parking is free.

Besides, it's their policy, not mine.

- Yeah, but you tolerate it.
- Dorothy, I tolerate a lot of things.

For instance, I'm tolerating
this evening with Rose and Blanche

because of my friendship with you.

I can't believe I'm hearing this.

Let's not make a big thing out of this.

We can't go to the Mortimer Club.
We'll go to another restaurant.

Boy, did I misjudge you.
Blanche and Rose were right.

You are not the kind of person
I want as a friend.

Go to the Mortimer Club by yourself.

- I don't understand.
- Let me spell it out for you.

Go to hell. Hmm?

Dorothy, what happened?

Barbara just stormed out of here.

She's not coming back.

Both of you were right about her.

I can't believe that I couldn't see it.

Can you ever forgive me?

What do you think?
Should we give her another chance?

We better. Best friends
are hard to come by.

Does this mean you'll go
to the masquerade ball?

Yes. And I'll tell you something.

After all the practice
I have had lately,

I'd be honored to be the horse's behind.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!