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1
00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:37,848
(SINGER VOCALIZING)
2
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:54,486
(SINGING) The stakes are high
3
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:58,606
And the world hangs
in the balance
4
00:00:58,760 --> 00:00:59,966
He's a man
5
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:05,005
And, oh, what a man
Of many talents
6
00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:14,080
If the sky starts to fall
There's no one bigger
7
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:20,168
With his finger
on the trigger
8
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,042
He's the man with the plan
9
00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:25,401
The one with the gun
Kevin
10
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,609
Nothing can stop him
11
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,684
The spy in disguise
12
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:31,842
With his eye on the prize
Hart
13
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,686
He's taking over the world
14
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,001
Agent Five-Four
15
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,811
Stronger than Thor
Kevin
16
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:40,769
Kevin fears nothing
Hart
17
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:42,683
With a license to kill
18
00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:44,888
And jokes that are ill
Kevin
19
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:48,607
He's taking over the world
20
00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:50,490
Come through, Kevin
21
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:51,881
Kevin
22
00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:53,605
He's the one that you call
23
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:56,251
If your back's at the wall
Hart
24
00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,727
Agent Five-Four
Kevin
25
00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:00,291
The guy that prevails
26
00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:02,601
On a whole global scale
Kevin
27
00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:07,523
He's taking over the world
Kevin Hart
28
00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:09,364
(SINGER LAUGHING)
29
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:11,764
SINGER: (SCREAMING) Kevin!
30
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:37,841
You're late.
31
00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:39,684
Better late
than never.
32
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:44,760
Do you have
the package?
33
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:47,765
Of course, I have
the package, Kevin.
34
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,251
Don't I always
have the package?
35
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:50,321
No, you don't.
36
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,044
Which is why I'm asking you,
"Do you have the package?"
37
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:53,360
When was the last time
I didn't have the package?
38
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:54,601
You didn't have
the package in Guam.
39
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:55,727
Guam?
Yes, Guam.
40
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:56,847
Why you gonna
bring up Guam?
41
00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,524
I'm answering
a question that
you asked me.
42
00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:01,001
What are you talking about?
You just... (VOCALIZING)
What are you saying?
43
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:02,809
You didn't have
the package in Guam,
which is why I asked you,
44
00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:04,206
"Did you have
the package?"
Yes, I got the package.
45
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:05,930
So if you had said that
when I first asked you,
46
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,240
then we wouldn't even be
having this conversation.
47
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:08,367
Guam is over.
48
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:09,601
I know! I'm not
thinking about Guam!
49
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:11,444
We at another place,
another time. Let's go.
50
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:12,521
All you ever
talk about is Guam.
51
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:13,726
Don't storm past me!
Fuck Guam.
52
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,406
Same shit you did in Guam!
Guam all over again!
53
00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:17,527
Okay, listen.
54
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:18,931
You walking away
is not gonna change
55
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:20,206
the point that
I'm trying to make.
56
00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:22,009
Okay, I forgot something
one time! Just one time!
57
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,764
Okay, so did
you forget it?
One time.
58
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:25,365
Okay, so that validates
what I'm saying...
MAN: Mr. Hart.
59
00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,329
(CLEARS THROAT)
Do you have
your buy-in money?
60
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:28,811
Of course.
Here it is.
61
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:30,566
Thank you.
62
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:31,801
Let's cut the shit.
63
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:33,769
Put your game face on,
'cause there's our guy.
64
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:36,930
Girl, if you don't
grab my arm...
65
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,490
Grab my arm.
66
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,809
(PLAYING MELLOW MUSIC)
67
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:43,049
Good evening.
How are you?
68
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:46,687
And you must be
LeBron's little
replacement.
69
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:47,841
Yes?
70
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:52,082
Welcome to
the game, Mr...
71
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,525
Hart.
72
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:56,080
The name is Kevin Hart.
73
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:59,004
Or maybe it's
Mr. Bond, huh?
74
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,411
It's a little confusing.
He's so little.
75
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:03,970
What? What?
What'd he say?
76
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:05,371
Okay, Kevin. Kevin.
What did you say?
77
00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:07,204
Don't let him get you
off your game. Okay?
78
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,045
Come on now.
Good luck.
79
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,090
Luck is for people
who are inadequate...
80
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:13,730
Okay, Kevin, not now.
81
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,290
Okay. Right.
Not now.
82
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:16,526
Go do it.
83
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:19,810
Whiskey, please.
84
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:24,721
Coming right up.
85
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:28,841
(CLEARS THROAT)
86
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:38,646
There you are.
87
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:41,371
I only ordered one.
88
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:42,521
Oh, I know.
89
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:44,721
(SLURPS)
90
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,081
(EXHALES)
91
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,208
(IN STRONG FRENCH ACCENT)
The game is no-limit poker.
92
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:52,851
Five communal cards.
Two in the hole.
93
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,161
I'm sorry, what?
Two cards in the hole.
94
00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:57,004
No, nothing's
going in my hole.
95
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,206
I don't know
what game this is,
96
00:04:58,280 --> 00:04:59,281
but we're not
gonna play it today.
97
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,971
No, sir. What I'm going
to do, I'm going to
put out five cards
98
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,849
and then I will later
pull out two more.
99
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:05,331
Oh! Oh.
100
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:06,640
Okay, well, talk slower.
101
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:09,610
Minimum stake
is $1 million.
102
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,570
Lines begin at
$5,000 and $10,000.
103
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,802
This game is
winner take all.
104
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,611
There are no prizes
for second place.
105
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:18,761
Good luck to you all.
106
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:22,964
It's a shame you gotta
drink alone tonight.
107
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:27,491
I said,
it's a shame you gotta
drink alone tonight.
108
00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:28,686
I heard you.
109
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,330
I bet $50,000.
110
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:32,330
I fold.
111
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,091
$50,000 to you,
Mr. Hart.
112
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:36,967
$100,000.
113
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:41,528
$100,000? You serious?
You haven't even
looked at your cards.
114
00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:43,329
I don't need to
look at my cards.
115
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,686
I see right through you,
and you know what I see?
116
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,762
I see someone who
doesn't have shit.
117
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,526
What does he have
that I don't have?
118
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:50,927
Everything.
119
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,087
Look at him.
He's super intelligent.
120
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,049
What are these?
Five.
121
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,770
Five? Okay,
so let me count this out.
122
00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:59,888
Five, 10.
What are the black?
123
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,361
You don't need black.
You have these big blue ones.
124
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:03,726
He's charming.
125
00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:05,846
Why wouldn't you
use two blue ones?
126
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,604
I don't understand,
it's the same.
127
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:09,609
For some reason,
I thought that me
and him were in a hand.
128
00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:10,721
You little sawed-off...
129
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,131
He's charismatic.
130
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,164
Fuck, you all took
my iPhone when I came in.
131
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,561
You don't have to do math.
Just put another blue one on top of them.
132
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:17,687
I gotta start over.
133
00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,285
Every time you all talk to me,
I gotta start over again.
134
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:23,120
You know what?
135
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,329
I see your point.
I see your point.
136
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:29,085
And everything on him isn't small.
137
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,970
(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)
138
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,844
Sir, if you wanna talk
to me, I'm right here.
139
00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:36,490
"How did this idiot get in here," you say?
140
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,331
(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)
141
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:41,009
(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)
142
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:58,487
Enough!
143
00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:01,801
What the fuck was that?
Is that your mouth?
144
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,441
Oh, my God, you just
threw a bucket of shit
at my face just now.
145
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,329
I smelled that.
Nobody else smelled that?
146
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,528
Well, it smelled like
you just threw
shit at my nose,
147
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:10,761
that's what it smelled like.
148
00:07:10,840 --> 00:07:11,921
Baby, baby.
Yes?
149
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,241
You look thirsty.
What can I get
you to drink, baby?
150
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:16,687
You know what?
I'll take a martini.
Shaken, not stirred.
151
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:18,922
If I could have
three ice cubes,
shave the last,
152
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:20,769
put Tabasco sauce on top,
but just a little bit...
153
00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,002
Okay, I ain't gonna
remember all that shit.
Now what you want?
154
00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:24,286
Whatever. Whatever
you are gonna be getting.
155
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:25,407
Okay.
156
00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:27,084
Okay? Got it?
Okay.
157
00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:28,571
Tell him, don't put it
in a sippy cup.
158
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,602
One Kevin Hartini coming right up.
159
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:35,606
No, just give him a beer.
160
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,330
WOMAN: Here you are, Mr. Hart.
161
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:39,201
KEVIN: Thank you.
162
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:43,201
(CHUCKLES)
163
00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:45,161
Hey, Kev?
164
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,402
It's on you. So like,
bet, check, fold...
165
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:49,209
Well aware of
the poker rules,
Mr. Cheadle.
166
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:50,446
You should fucking
do something.
167
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:51,567
Can I have
a second, please?
168
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,051
Go ahead.
169
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,166
Where's it at?
Who's it on?
170
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:58,323
It's on you. So you
can check, bet, or fold.
171
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,050
Pick one
and fucking do it.
172
00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:01,326
I see what's going on here.
173
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,051
Gentlemen, I would
like to introduce you
to a case of
174
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:05,884
"I don't have enough
money to call a bet."
175
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,405
(CHUCKLES) I can afford
the next hand.
176
00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:08,970
Obviously,
I'm sitting here
with chips.
177
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:10,326
She got money,
this motherfucker
got money.
178
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,447
Everybody got money, Kevin.
179
00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:13,170
It's that you're irritating
the fuck out of me
180
00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:14,366
'cause you're
not doing anything.
181
00:08:14,440 --> 00:08:16,204
What happened, Don?
182
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:18,322
Daddy's tank ran dry?
What are you
talking about?
183
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,971
Chickens ain't clucking?
Cows ain't mooing?
184
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,405
Have you lost your
fucking mind, Kevin?
185
00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,649
Oh, I know what it is.
There's been a vacancy
at Hotel Rwanda.
186
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,006
Ain't nobody
booking them suites.
187
00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:28,411
Are you talking
about a movie now, Kevin?
188
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:29,481
KEVIN: You know
what you're mad at?
189
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:32,325
'Cause you looked at your hand
and there's nothing
but a House of Lies.
190
00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,283
You're referring
to the show?
That was a good one.
191
00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,647
No, most people
say House of Cards
and they mean House of Lies.
192
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,161
I didn't.
No, you did that good.
Now fucking bet!
193
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:41,646
(WHINING CHILDISHLY)
194
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:45,162
"My name's Don Cheadle
and I'm mad
because I'm not Iron Man.
195
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,169
"I'm the black Iron Man,
and I'm rusty."
Stop talking, man.
196
00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,083
"I squeak when I go."
Take it easy.
197
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:50,366
(SQUEAKING)
198
00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,170
All right, you're not making
fucking sense, Kevin,
199
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,287
and I'ma punch
you in the face.
200
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:54,521
I'ma make all of
that bleed
201
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,807
if you don't goddamn well
do something right now!
202
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:58,769
Do something!
Raise.
203
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,043
Whoa! No, no, no,
I didn't raise.
204
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,361
That was obvious,
I made a mistake.
Don't!
205
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,687
Hey, you cannot
touch this pot, sir.
I'm fucking touching the pot!
206
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,444
These are my chips!
Are you motherfuckers
in cahoots?
207
00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:08,601
KEVIN: I call.
I call that.
208
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,085
Oh, you call that?
You know what I call?
I call that.
209
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:11,525
You know what I call?
(SCREAMS)
210
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,800
What you doing?
Grab him!
211
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,450
Okay! Okay!
212
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,723
I'm gonna kill you, Kevin!
Get your ass up outta here.
213
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:19,881
Get up outta here!
214
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,371
I'll see you in
the parking lot, Kevin!
215
00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,091
You motherfucker!
I'ma kill you!
I hate you!
216
00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:25,161
(SLURPING)
217
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:28,886
(SNORTS)
218
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,446
Raise. $2 million.
219
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:34,881
Whoa.
220
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,490
(WHISPERING LOUDLY)
Go all in!
221
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,162
I'm all in. All of it.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
222
00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:43,081
DEALER: All in.
223
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:44,646
Call.
224
00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:46,722
This hand is gettin'
kind of crazy.
225
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:48,211
DEALER: Show
your hand, please.
226
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:54,443
Ouch.
DEALER: Full house.
Aces for kings.
227
00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:55,521
God.
228
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,250
That's over $5 million.
229
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,209
Mr. Hart.
230
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,129
I didn't know
he had that.
Hmm.
231
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:03,806
(KEVIN EXHALES)
232
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,045
Uh-oh. What's that?
233
00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:13,122
Ace to five.
Straight flush.
234
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,804
"Straight flush."
What is it?
235
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,087
Straight flush.
"Straight flush."
236
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,207
Mr. Hart wins.
237
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,084
Whoo! Yes!
238
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:24,247
Uh-oh!
239
00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:25,606
(GROWLS)
240
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:27,291
Chips! Chips,
chips, chips!
241
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,725
DEALER: This all for you.
242
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:34,523
One, two, three...
243
00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,642
(CLEARS THROAT)
Ninety-six, ninety-seven,
ninety-eight...
244
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,091
Hey.
245
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:40,964
Where's the money at?
I put it in the case.
246
00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:42,485
In what case?
In this case.
247
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:43,561
You put all that
money in this case?
248
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:44,880
Why are you asking
such dumb questions?
249
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,166
Yes, I put the money
in the case!
250
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,481
Oh, so now you can turn into
David fucking Copperfield!
251
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:50,130
Tell me... Woman!
252
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:52,603
You act like the money
couldn't have fell off
the table.
253
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,170
That's possible.
Mr. Hart?
254
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,044
Ah! You must think that
you're a very funny guy,
huh?
255
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,801
You have to think that
you're the funniest man
in America
256
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:07,211
to even think
about pulling off
257
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,169
what you're trying
to pull off today. Hmm?
258
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,690
That you're doing
what nobody else
out there is doing, huh?
259
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:17,370
(LAUGHS) You have to think
that you have the entire
world by the balls.
260
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:18,566
Hmm? This what you think?
261
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:20,806
You insult me.
262
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,843
But I'm going
to give you one chance
to get out of here alive.
263
00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:26,967
Without the money.
264
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:32,607
Then I don't ever want to
see that little shit face
of yours ever again.
265
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,442
Now, hand over the case.
266
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:36,681
Mmm-mmm.
267
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:38,601
I'm not giving you my money.
268
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:41,001
This is gonna pay
for my global tour.
(SCOFFS)
269
00:11:58,240 --> 00:11:59,651
Eighteen seconds.
270
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,768
Eighteen seconds,
but I could shave
three seconds off,
271
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,046
gets me 15 seconds.
272
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:04,884
Minus the two,
that puts me at 13.
273
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,088
Thirteen plus four
puts me back at 17.
274
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,650
Seventeen plus one
puts me back at 18.
275
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,883
Eighteen minus four is 14.
Fourteen minus two is 12.
276
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,411
Twelve times pi?
277
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,484
Fuck! What is 12 times pi?
Wait, pi? What is pi?
278
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:18,365
Uh, four?
Okay, so we'll go with four.
279
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,050
(MUMBLING)
280
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:22,566
Forget it.
Forget pi, forget pi.
281
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:23,687
Just do the 14 minus two.
282
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:25,091
Fourteen minus two
puts me back at 12.
283
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:26,241
12 seconds.
284
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,810
That's what
it's gonna take.
285
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:38,161
(GRUNTING)
286
00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:40,561
(GROANS)
287
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:44,846
(GRUNTING)
288
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:49,641
(GROANS)
(YELLS)
289
00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:54,686
(YELLS)
290
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:56,081
(BLOOD SPLATTERING)
291
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:57,691
Are you fucking
kidding me?
292
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,086
(YAWNS)
293
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,325
(BOTH GRUNTING)
294
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:19,127
(GROANING)
295
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:21,521
What the fuck?
Damn it!
296
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,324
He's a bleeder!
297
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:26,401
Shit!
298
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,241
Fuck! Shit! (GRUNTS)
299
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,324
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
300
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,001
(SOBS)
301
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:38,241
(GASPS)
302
00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:40,966
What the fuck
was you doing?
303
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:42,441
Huh?
304
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,971
Ain't shit on you,
your dress ain't
messed up, hair all nice.
305
00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,041
You wanna
explain yourself?
306
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:50,408
Kevin, I'm Halle Berry.
I don't get messed up.
307
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:51,766
Let's go.
308
00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:53,683
That's a bunch
of Halle bullshit!
309
00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,808
Could've gotten me
a napkin or something!
310
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:57,201
(BEEPS)
311
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:01,569
I didn't even start the watch!
Goddamn it, Kevin!
312
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:04,680
I can't just walk
around like this.
313
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,410
This means I'm gonna be late.
You know that, don't you?
314
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:07,641
I'ma get you
some clothes.
315
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,006
Will you stop? Stop!
What?
316
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:10,491
Look at me!
I'm covered
in fucking blood!
317
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:11,686
I see that, Kevin.
318
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:14,127
But nobody around
here notices that,
so just walk normal.
319
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,440
What it is, baby?
320
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:19,329
What the hell
happened to you, man?
321
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,687
I love you, too.
Nigga, you look dead!
322
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,728
See? I'm saying people
already notice this shit.
323
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:25,888
Yo, you on
your period,
my man?
324
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,564
Ain't every man?
What?
325
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,244
Halle, you gotta get
me some damn clothes!
326
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:33,361
(CLEARS THROAT)
327
00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:36,884
What took you
so long?
328
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,041
What kind of question
is that?
329
00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,121
What do you mean,
what took me so long?
330
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,202
I was getting
the blood off of me.
What were you doing?
331
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:42,770
I thought you
was gonna be long.
332
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,768
Why would you think
I would be long?
Because you're a woman.
333
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,008
Women take long.
Everyone knows that.
(SCOFFS)
334
00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:48,650
How about, "Kevin,
you look nice"?
335
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,927
How about, "I see what
you did with the time"?
336
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,768
You don't feel
like a compliment
is necessary?
337
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,968
That's your problem.
Like, why you got
an attitude?
338
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,443
I just gotta get
my mind right. So much
stuff happened today.
339
00:14:58,520 --> 00:14:59,760
Just calm down.
I know.
340
00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:01,171
Hey, thank you.
341
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:04,121
Shit!
342
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,166
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
343
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,646
Close your mouth, Kevin.
Let's go.
344
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:12,841
Oh!
345
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,960
Where the fuck
you get a gun from?
346
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:22,565
Kevin, we love you! Yay!
347
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,369
(SCANNER BEEPING)
348
00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:26,608
Kevin, you the man!
349
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:28,523
Kevin Hart,
we love you, man!
350
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,400
Shit.
351
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:31,567
(AUDIENCE CLAMORING)
352
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,165
You hear that?
I do.
353
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:35,726
Shit.
354
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:36,801
What now?
355
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:38,291
What now is I do my job.
356
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:39,600
Okay.
357
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:40,966
Be careful.
358
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,201
KEVIN: Wait a minute.
359
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:44,123
Is Halle Berry
giving me the look?
360
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:45,281
Okay, listen up, people.
361
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:46,850
If you think I'ma have
Halle Berry in my movie
362
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:47,967
and I'm not gonna kiss her,
363
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:49,371
you got another thing coming.
364
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,010
That's goddamn Halle Berry!
365
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,525
She about to get a berry blast
of these lips,
366
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:53,647
I'll tell you that.
367
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:54,721
(SMACKS LIPS)
368
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:58,850
Well, now that I
know what we both want,
I'll stop wasting time.
369
00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:00,721
Oh!
Mmm!
370
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,160
What are you doing?
You know what I'm doing.
371
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,089
I'm about to kiss you.
Nobody said anything
about a kiss.
372
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,646
Just do a little one.
I'm not kissing you,
Kevin. Come on.
373
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:09,051
Do this.
Okay.
374
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:10,845
No. With your lips.
375
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:12,881
Fine, forget it.
376
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,405
Hey, Tim?
TIM: Yeah, Kev?
377
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,801
Let's just take it
from the top.
TIM: Good idea.
378
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,166
Ready?
I'm ready.
379
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,208
TIM: And action.
Be careful.
380
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,850
No, you be careful.
381
00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:24,321
Because being careful is
what I'm most careful at.
382
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,606
I do it very carefully.
383
00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,489
What the fuck
did you just say?
384
00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:30,403
Goddamn it, just... Shit!
385
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:32,327
Fuck me!
386
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,843
Don't worry about me.
387
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:37,686
You hear me?
388
00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,410
Are you sure you
don't want to kiss?
Kevin...
389
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:40,527
Shh.
390
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:42,405
Ew.
Okay?
391
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,803
All right, boy,
let's cut the shit.
392
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,008
Let's do what you do best.
Let's go make
these people laugh.
393
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,010
It's showtime!
394
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,291
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
395
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,922
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
396
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,290
Philadelphia,
make some fucking noise!
397
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,488
(CHEERING INTENSIFIES)
398
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,971
No.
399
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:38,644
That's not good enough
for me.
400
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,849
Goddamn it,
we sold a football
stadium out tonight.
401
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:43,485
So I need to hear that!
402
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,045
I need to hear that!
403
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:54,403
So I'ma ask my city
one more time...
404
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:58,326
Philadelphia,
make some fucking noise!
405
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,130
(CHEERING LOUDLY)
406
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:01,841
Yeah!
407
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:04,286
Yeah!
408
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:06,727
Yes!
409
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,287
Goddamn it,
we about to get loose.
410
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,763
I can honestly say that
the city of Philadelphia
has my back.
411
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:14,842
Is it safe to
say that, Philly?
412
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,602
It's safe to say that.
413
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,923
I think it's only right
that I show Philadelphia
that love back.
414
00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:24,523
Can I see
Philadelphia behind me?
Can I do that, please?
415
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,170
Can I see my city
behind me?
416
00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,130
We about to have
a good time tonight.
417
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,123
We love you, Kevin!
418
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:36,966
The name of
this show is called
What Now?, people.
419
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,963
The reason why I decided
to call it What Now?,
420
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:42,283
is because that's the question
that I get the most.
421
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:45,284
"Kevin, what the fuck
are you gonna do now?"
422
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,931
I love that question
because I always
have an answer for it.
423
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,047
I'm alive.
424
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:52,681
I'm still experiencing shit,
which still means I have stuff
to talk about.
425
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:54,485
For example,
people, I'm engaged.
426
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:55,846
I'm about to get
married again soon.
427
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,046
Okay?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
428
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:58,326
Yes.
429
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,801
I told my lady, I said,
before we get married,
we gotta move.
430
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:02,881
I did tell her that.
431
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,407
It's not that I
don't like where we live.
I just don't like the area.
432
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,244
It's not the house,
it's the area.
433
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:09,651
See, I don't
wanna be in Hollywood,
434
00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:11,370
staring at all
the Hollywood shit.
435
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:12,601
So I moved out
to the suburbs.
436
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,842
Fucked around, moved
around a bunch of wildlife.
437
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:16,843
I don't like the animals
around my house.
438
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,445
This is real shit right now.
439
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:21,285
Right now, I have
a raccoon problem, people.
440
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,010
Not raccoons.
441
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:25,924
A raccoon. One raccoon.
This raccoon's a bitch.
442
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,650
I can't stand this raccoon.
443
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,530
I got glass doors
in the back of
my house, right?
444
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:31,726
I'm sitting in
the living room,
445
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:35,361
I can see into my backyard
through the glass doors.
446
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:39,365
Outta nowhere,
a raccoon walks up
to the glass doors.
447
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,125
But not like a raccoon should,
not on all fours.
448
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:43,765
Raccoon's on two feet.
449
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,320
Motherfucker walked up
to the doors like this,
swear to God.
450
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:47,845
This is real shit.
451
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:49,081
Scared the shit outta me.
452
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:50,889
It looked like a Nigga
was walking in my backyard.
453
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,331
That's what it looked like.
454
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,209
I saw him,
I said, "Oh, shit!
455
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,044
"Look at that goddamn
raccoon right there!"
456
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:59,044
He saw me, I see him,
we're looking at each other.
457
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:00,531
This is what scared
the shit outta me.
458
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,728
To get a better look
in my house,
459
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,882
he put his hand
on the glass,
460
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,323
and started
looking in the window.
461
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:09,925
I see him, he see me.
462
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,126
He starts fucking
with the locks.
463
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:12,969
(GRUNTING)
464
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,248
When he couldn't
get in, he got mad.
He fake shot at me twice.
465
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,409
Bang, bang!
466
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:21,084
Then he grabbed his dick,
disappeared into the dark.
467
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:22,286
This is a true story.
468
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,926
You gotta understand, people,
I don't like raccoons.
469
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,571
I can't stand raccoons
because I don't like
the way they look.
470
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,086
They look like criminals.
They got a black mask, gloves.
471
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,208
Everything about
a raccoon says crime.
472
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,204
My lady gets home, I said,
473
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:37,361
"Babe, we gotta get
the fuck out this house.
474
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,488
"A raccoon came up
to the glass doors,
475
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:42,166
"put his hand on the glass,
saw me, shot at me twice.
476
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:43,241
"Bang, bang!
477
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,527
"Then he grabs his dick,
disappeared into the dark."
478
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:47,971
My lady goes,
479
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:52,606
"What do you get
out of lying so much?
480
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:55,602
"Like what does
that do for you?"
481
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:57,489
I said,
"Who the fuck is lying?
482
00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,325
"Who makes up
a lie about a raccoon
come up to the window,
483
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:03,847
"going bang,
bang, grabbing his dick,
disappearing into the dark?
484
00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:07,447
"Like, whose life is
that bad that they gotta
sit at home all day,
485
00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:09,124
"and make some
shit like that up?"
486
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,330
She said, "Obviously you,
because you're lying, Kevin.
487
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:13,731
"You know how I
know you lying?
488
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:17,088
"'Cause a raccoon
can't go, 'Bang, bang.'
489
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,845
"You know why?
'Cause a raccoon
don't have no thumbs.
490
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,526
"So how can
a raccoon go,
'Bang, bang'?"
491
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:27,202
"Bitch, maybe he did this.
Maybe he just did
this right here.
492
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,165
"What difference
does it make?
493
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:34,165
"The point is that
he grabbed his dick,
disappeared into the dark.
494
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,129
"We got a dick-grabbing
raccoon on the loose,
495
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:37,690
"you worried about
his fucking thumbs.
496
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,129
"You need to get your
priorities straight,
that's what needs to happen."
497
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,521
I got a lot of
animals out there, people.
498
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:47,206
Coyotes, mountain lions,
rattlesnakes.
499
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,123
It's at the point now
where I don't like
taking out trash.
500
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:50,247
I'm being honest with you.
501
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,482
The reason I don't like
taking out trash at my house
502
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,801
is 'cause to
take out the trash,
I gotta walk outside,
503
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,644
I gotta walk down
my driveway.
504
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,643
Trash cans are at
the end of my driveway.
505
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,485
My driveway is
long as shit, people.
506
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:02,721
Okay?
507
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:05,766
It also gets real dark
in my driveway.
508
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:08,491
Reason why it gets so dark
in my driveway at nighttime
509
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,006
is because I turned down
the option to get lights
510
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,606
going down
the side of my driveway.
511
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:15,330
Reason why
I turned down the option
512
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:16,925
is because
I thought the contractors
513
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,240
were trying to
take advantage of me
514
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:19,845
because they knew
that I had money.
515
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:22,207
I don't trust people
that do this when they talk.
516
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,364
Like that's how
you talk to me, like,
517
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,920
"Hey, man,
you gotta get some lights.
It gets real dark out here.
518
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:30,286
"You gotta get
some lights."
519
00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:31,850
I don't need no
fucking lights.
520
00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:34,207
It's a driveway.
You drive in, you drive out.
521
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:36,282
What the fuck I
need lights for?
522
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:39,564
I was wrong, people.
I need lights.
523
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,211
Can't see shit in
this goddamn driveway.
524
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,290
You gotta understand,
I don't like
525
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,010
being in the dark,
hearing animal noises,
526
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:47,923
especially when
I can't see the animal.
527
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,206
It fucks with me.
528
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,250
When you're by yourself
and you get scared,
you do stupid shit.
529
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,321
When you hear this...
530
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:54,805
(CHITTERING)
531
00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:57,770
(HISSING)
532
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,802
You do stupid shit
when you get scared.
533
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:02,446
(SCREAMS)
534
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:06,806
"You bite me,
I'll bite you back, bitch!"
535
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,362
You start doing shit
you saw in the movies.
536
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,568
"What are you waiting for?"
537
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:18,928
It got to the point
where I start
grabbing the trash,
538
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,281
running down the driveway,
throwing the trash
in the trash can,
539
00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:22,805
running back
to the house.
540
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:24,570
One day I locked
myself out of the house.
541
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:26,847
Scariest 17 seconds
of my life, people.
542
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:29,649
"Open up the door!"
543
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:30,961
(SCREAMS)
544
00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,168
(CRYING)
545
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:35,967
What is this
when you get scared?
546
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:37,810
(CRYING)
547
00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:42,567
Whenever you're afraid,
548
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,608
the first person you
see is fully responsible
549
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,330
for whatever you
were afraid of.
550
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:50,364
"Bitch,
where the fuck was you at
all that time I was outside?
551
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:54,162
"Some shit licked my neck,
I'm out here calling you.
552
00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:56,129
"You in here cooking,
that's your problem."
553
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:00,326
It got to the point
where I told my lady,
I said,
554
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,846
"Yo, I'm not taking
out trash anymore.
I'm not gonna do it."
555
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,531
She said,
"Well, I'm not gonna do it."
I said, "You don't have to."
556
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,080
"It's not a woman's job,
it's a man's job.
557
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,527
"I'ma make my son do it.
558
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:11,601
"He's seven years old.
559
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,449
"It's time for him
to start pulling his
weight around here.
560
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:14,567
"He don't do shit."
561
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:17,445
That's the beautiful thing
about being a dad.
562
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:19,130
You can do what you
want when you want,
563
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:20,884
can't nobody
say shit about it.
564
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,724
I woke my son up at
2:00 in the morning
565
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:24,484
with a complete
bullshit story.
566
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:27,564
I kicked his bed.
"Get your ass up! Get up!
567
00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:30,166
"Didn't I tell you
to get that goddamn
trash out last night?"
568
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,123
First of all, that was a lie.
I never said that.
569
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:33,366
Never said anything
like that.
570
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:35,686
He woke up,
he was confused.
571
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:37,762
"What? What? No.
572
00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:39,251
"You never said that. What?"
573
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:41,561
"You calling me a liar?
You telling me I'm lying?
574
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:44,120
"Get your ass up.
Get that goddamn trash out."
575
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:47,010
Private schools
are fucking my kids up.
576
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:51,608
My son, he said,
"All right, all right.
All right."
577
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:58,491
He goes,
"Let me get my flops."
578
00:24:58,600 --> 00:24:59,601
What?
579
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:03,683
"Your flops?
580
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:07,845
"Boy, if you don't get
your black/white ass down
these goddamn steps,
581
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:11,163
"get this fucking trash,
I'ma knock your head loose
in here."
582
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,691
My son goes downstairs,
he grabs the trash.
583
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:17,922
He's about to walk outside,
he sees it's real dark.
584
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,800
He goes,
"Dad, it's real dark outside.
Can you come with me?"
585
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,803
"No. No, I cannot.
586
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:30,001
"No.
587
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,651
"It's not my journey, son.
This is your journey.
588
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:34,046
"It's about you
becoming a man.
589
00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:35,884
"You gotta do
this by yourself."
590
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:40,045
My son grabs the trash,
he's literally
walking outside.
591
00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:41,401
He goes down
the driveway.
592
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:43,562
I could tell
when he got scared,
'cause he stopped.
593
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:46,723
He started doing
this shit right here.
He started looking around.
594
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:49,731
When he looked at me, I said,
"See, that's why I don't like
doing that shit.
595
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:53,361
"Go, you're all right.
Finish. Finish."
596
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,922
He put the trash
in the trash can,
starts walking back.
597
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,685
Outta nowhere,
my son takes off running.
598
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:03,164
I mean, running, haul assing
towards the house.
599
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:04,890
Running as fast as he can.
600
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:10,484
I got scared
because I couldn't see
what he was running from.
601
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:13,650
I couldn't see it.
602
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:18,050
So I closed the door.
I closed the door.
603
00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:20,009
No, I did.
I know it was wrong,
but I did it.
604
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:22,490
I don't wanna lie.
I shut the door.
605
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:25,762
I told myself,
depending on what it was,
606
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:27,205
was gonna determine
if I open up
607
00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:29,009
the door or not
when he got back.
608
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:32,445
If it was something crazy,
I was just gonna put
my hand on the glass.
609
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,488
I was gonna say,
"Son, touch the glass
one last time.
610
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:36,608
"I hate that it
had to be this way."
611
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,130
My biggest fear in life
is seeing somebody that
I love
612
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,090
get attacked by an animal
that I can't beat.
613
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,606
That's a fear.
What do you do?
614
00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,728
What do you do?
615
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,087
You look happy.
Are you in love, man?
616
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:53,889
What do you do
if you see your lady
617
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:56,247
running down the driveway
as fast as she can?
618
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,721
Outta nowhere,
the Tasmanian Devil jump out,
619
00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:00,211
grab her face
from the back?
620
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:02,966
You wanna know the answer
to that question?
621
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:05,805
Not a goddamn thing,
that's what the fuck you do.
622
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:09,043
That's the Tasmanian Devil.
You ain't never
seen no shit like that.
623
00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:10,929
If you look outside
and all you hear is...
624
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:12,883
(SNARLING)
625
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:16,962
You're not fucking
going out there.
626
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:19,724
(SNARLING)
627
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:21,731
All you gonna do is react.
628
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:24,042
(SCREAMING) Oh! Oh! Oh!
629
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:27,402
"Get the fuck off of her!
630
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:30,005
"She had enough!"
631
00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:35,649
My lady got mad at
me when I said that.
She got pissed off.
632
00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:37,210
She got pissed off.
633
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:39,170
She said, "So if I got
attacked by an animal,
634
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,004
"you wouldn't come
out there and help me?"
635
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:43,401
I said, "It depends
on the animal.
636
00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:46,962
"If it's a cat, I'll come out
there and kick the cat.
637
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:49,520
"I'll kick the shit
out of a cat.
638
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:51,921
"But if it's
a mountain lion, fuck no.
I'm not going out there.
639
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:53,331
"Ain't no way in hell."
640
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:55,761
She says, "So you
would just let me die?"
641
00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:00,291
"If that was God's plan.
I'm not gonna...
642
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:03,082
"I'm not gonna
fuck with God's plan.
643
00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:05,809
"Who am I to rewrite
what God wrote?
644
00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:07,689
"That's what God wrote
next to your name.
645
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,161
"It said 'death by
mountain lion attack.'
646
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,766
"Who the fuck am I
to rewrite that?"
647
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:14,886
I'm being honest
with you all.
648
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:16,564
You know the real reason
why I wouldn't help my lady
649
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,563
if she got attacked
by a mountain lion?
650
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:20,244
I don't know if I wanna be
with a woman
651
00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:21,890
that survived
a mountain lion attack.
652
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:22,961
I don't...
653
00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:24,724
I don't know if I'ma feel
the same way about you
654
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:26,211
when you come
out of that attack.
655
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,321
Like, what if
he got you good?
656
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:31,129
What if he bit
your neck up?
657
00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:33,089
Or if he bit
your shoulder off?
658
00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:34,764
You ain't got
no shoulder no more?
659
00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:35,887
That's tough.
660
00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:37,801
That's tough.
661
00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:40,449
I can't be with no girl
that don't have no shoulder.
662
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:42,090
I can't. I'm sorry.
663
00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:43,969
You can call me
an asshole all you want.
664
00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,008
I can't be with a girl
that can't do this.
665
00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:49,331
Mmm! If you can't do that...
666
00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:52,244
If you can't
shoulder shrug, bitch,
I can't be with you.
667
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:54,804
You can't
shoulder shrug, bitch?
668
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:56,001
Mmm!
669
00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:59,930
You know how many times
you shoulder shrug in a day?
670
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:01,684
You know how many times
you shoulder shrug?
671
00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:03,131
Look, you did it
a little bit just now.
672
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:05,248
Little bit.
Look at you. Little bit.
673
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:08,081
Ladies, let me
tell you something.
674
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:09,366
You don't know
how important
675
00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:11,647
your shoulders are until
you lose one of them.
676
00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:15,768
Life will change
without both shoulders,
I promise you that.
677
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:18,241
I tell you what, you could
kiss halter tops good-bye.
678
00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:19,725
That's over.
679
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:23,682
Every shirt you put on
gonna look like
a goddamn toga outfit.
680
00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:26,445
All that shit
coming across the chest.
681
00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:29,444
I don't wanna be
with a toga bitch.
I don't want her.
682
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:32,365
The girl that look like
she won a pageant every day.
683
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:34,842
(LAUGHING)
684
00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:37,690
You won every day?
685
00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:44,568
Oh! Here come Michelle.
686
00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:48,201
Here come Miss America.
687
00:29:49,480 --> 00:29:50,925
I don't wanna be with her.
688
00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:53,287
I tell you what,
689
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:55,169
if you got one shoulder
690
00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:58,289
and we get pulled
over by the cops,
we're going to jail.
691
00:29:58,400 --> 00:29:59,640
We're going to jail.
692
00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:02,246
'Cause everything you do
is gonna come off as sarcasm.
693
00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:04,731
"Ma'am, do you know
why I pulled you over?"
694
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:05,847
"No."
695
00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:09,811
"Get the fuck out of the car.
Right now! Get out the car!
696
00:30:09,880 --> 00:30:11,962
"You wanna be a smartass?
You're going to jail."
697
00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:15,129
"I'm not! I'm not!
This is how it is.
I'm stuck with this.
698
00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:16,247
"Don't do this, please."
699
00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:20,329
Cop have a tough time
grabbing you out the car.
700
00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:22,289
"Get your ass
out the goddamn..."
701
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:27,766
You can't be cold
with one shoulder.
702
00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:33,407
You can't shiver
with one shoulder.
703
00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:36,243
Ain't nobody gonna
believe you.
704
00:30:40,440 --> 00:30:41,680
"What the fuck is
wrong with you?"
705
00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:44,525
"It's freezing in here."
706
00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:48,764
"No, bitch, you twitching.
That's drugs.
I know drugs when I see it."
707
00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:51,090
"Get your high ass out
of my goddamn house.
708
00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:52,281
"You're high!"
709
00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:55,290
If you only got
one shoulder,
710
00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:57,966
the only game
you'll be good at
is a game of tag.
711
00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:01,529
Can't nobody tag you.
712
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:04,244
You out there
dipping everything.
713
00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:07,160
(GRUNTS)
714
00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:09,481
"Shit!"
715
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:12,366
(GRUNTING)
716
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:15,282
"I can't tag this bitch, man!
717
00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:17,166
"She out here
dipping everything."
718
00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:18,844
"You gotta go for
the shoulder side."
719
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:23,804
Ladies,
I can feel you judging me.
Stop judging me. I feel it.
720
00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:28,002
"Kevin, you wrong. You wrong.
721
00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:29,809
"That woman loved you.
722
00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:33,441
"She was with you
from the beginning.
She held you down."
723
00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:35,170
Let me tell you
something, ladies.
724
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:38,164
You can't hold nobody down
without two shoulders.
725
00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:40,163
It's a scientific fact.
726
00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:42,565
You need two shoulders.
727
00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:45,720
I'll start it
with you guys.
728
00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:47,729
I'll ask you a question.
729
00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:49,604
Sweetie, do you think
you're the type of woman
that could
730
00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:52,121
stay with your man
regardless of
any freak accident?
731
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:53,326
Yeah?
732
00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:55,801
You know why I love asking
women that question?
733
00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:58,565
Because your answers
are never realistic.
734
00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:01,644
See, women answer
questions with emotion.
735
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:03,768
Emotion made you say yes.
736
00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:07,526
"Yes! Yes, I love him! Yes!"
737
00:32:08,520 --> 00:32:10,409
That's emotion.
738
00:32:10,480 --> 00:32:12,084
You don't even know
the fucking scenario.
739
00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:13,406
You don't even
know what happened.
740
00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:16,649
So I'ma give you
a scenario.
741
00:32:17,360 --> 00:32:19,522
Let's say you
and your man
taking a walk.
742
00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:21,125
Beautiful day outside.
743
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:22,565
You look at
your man, you say,
744
00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:25,962
"Babe, I love you more today
than I did yesterday."
745
00:32:26,040 --> 00:32:27,246
Out of nowhere,
746
00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:31,041
an orangutan hops the fence,
attacks your man.
747
00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:34,769
The orangutan
takes his kneecaps.
748
00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:38,606
He can never do
this again in life.
749
00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:41,926
He is straight-legged
for the rest of his life.
750
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:43,764
You can deal with
this right here?
751
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:47,048
This ain't gonna
fuck with you every day?
752
00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:50,169
Every goddamn day,
this ain't gonna fuck
with you?
753
00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:51,691
Looking at this?
754
00:32:52,560 --> 00:32:54,403
Butt-ass naked,
going to the bathroom
like this.
755
00:32:54,480 --> 00:32:56,244
This ain't
gonna fuck with you?
756
00:32:56,320 --> 00:32:58,448
You a goddamn liar.
757
00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:01,285
One of those days,
you're gonna fucking snap.
758
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:04,250
"If you don't go sit your
straight-legged ass down...
759
00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:08,329
"Walking all straight
all over the fucking house!
760
00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:10,641
"Sit your
no-knee-bending ass down!"
761
00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:15,851
You're gonna get mad
'cause you still wanna
do knee-bending shit.
762
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:21,241
"Hey, babe! Babe!
We still going
bowling on Tuesday?"
763
00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:25,321
All your friends hate
when you bring him
764
00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:27,442
'cause he takes
too long to bowl.
765
00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:42,761
They get mad.
766
00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:45,525
"I can't stand when
she brings his ass!
767
00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:48,683
"He can never relax.
He's so uptight!"
768
00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:49,727
You get mad.
769
00:33:49,840 --> 00:33:51,968
"I can't relax
'cause I ain't
got no knees!
770
00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:53,610
"I got attacked
by an orangutan!"
771
00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:56,931
Your black
girlfriend'll be there.
She'll never believe shit.
772
00:33:57,240 --> 00:34:02,644
"An orangutan? Really?"
773
00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:06,851
That's my "black girl
don't believe shit" face.
774
00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:10,129
"Orangutan?
775
00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:12,408
"Really?"
776
00:34:14,040 --> 00:34:15,405
Why is that?
777
00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:18,051
Why don't black
women believe shit?
What happened?
778
00:34:18,640 --> 00:34:20,449
What happened?
779
00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:23,330
You can't convince
a black woman of shit.
780
00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:26,048
"Hey, babe.
Babe, don't walk over there.
781
00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:27,770
"It's real slippery
right there."
782
00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:31,208
"Slippery?
783
00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:34,409
"Really?"
784
00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:37,086
She walk over there anyway,
trips, falls, hits her head.
785
00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:39,766
"Oh, my God,
it's slippery over here.
786
00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:42,323
"They need to
put a sign up."
787
00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:46,849
"Bitch, I just told you,
it was fucking slippery
over there."
788
00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:50,682
"Did you tell me?
789
00:34:50,760 --> 00:34:53,047
"Really?"
(AUDIENCE ECHOING)
790
00:34:54,800 --> 00:34:57,610
Could you still
have sex with the guy
that can't bend his knees?
791
00:34:58,520 --> 00:35:00,807
If he was aggressive
about it?
792
00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:02,245
That's an honest question.
793
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:05,085
Could you have sex with a guy
that can't bend his knees?
794
00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:09,765
"Hey! Hey!
795
00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:13,003
"Get over here
and get some of
this lock-knee dick."
796
00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:24,731
"Don't run!
Don't run! Don't run!"
797
00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:26,405
(LAUGHS)
798
00:35:27,800 --> 00:35:31,043
It look like he be
skiing on your ass,
that's what it look like.
799
00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:34,566
When he cums,
it looks like he jumped
a big-ass ski ramp.
800
00:35:38,160 --> 00:35:39,286
Oh!
801
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:42,371
Look at all
the black women.
802
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:44,966
"Ski ramp?
803
00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:48,084
"Really?"
804
00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:52,442
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
805
00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:57,051
Oh! Stop it. Cut it out.
806
00:35:57,120 --> 00:35:59,122
Stop trying to
make me feel tall.
807
00:36:01,240 --> 00:36:03,049
This is how I think, people.
808
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:05,043
I'm a drastic thinker.
809
00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:06,326
I'm not worse
than my lady, though.
810
00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:10,689
My lady is the queen
of hypothetical thoughts.
811
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:12,166
You know what I feel like?
812
00:36:12,240 --> 00:36:14,846
I feel like all women
suffer from this disease.
813
00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:16,524
Women love to
ask men questions
814
00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:18,648
about shit that
would never happen.
815
00:36:18,720 --> 00:36:19,881
You love it.
816
00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:23,362
"Babe, babe,
what would you do if...
817
00:36:24,480 --> 00:36:28,769
"Babe, babe,
hypothetically speaking,
but not really, but if it did,
818
00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:30,444
"what could might be, huh?"
819
00:36:31,240 --> 00:36:32,605
You love it.
820
00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:35,045
True story right now.
821
00:36:35,120 --> 00:36:36,963
Me and my lady,
we're on a boat.
Right?
822
00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:40,328
We're on a boat.
We hit a wave.
823
00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:43,051
She go, "Oh, my God, babe,
what if we would've
hit that wave,
824
00:36:43,120 --> 00:36:45,566
"and I would've fell out
the boat in the middle
of the ocean,
825
00:36:45,680 --> 00:36:48,081
"and then a shark
would've started
swimming around me?
826
00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:49,286
"What would you do?"
827
00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:53,370
"I'ma get the camera
and start taping.
828
00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:54,766
"Some shit about to go down.
I don't know."
829
00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:58,402
"Stop being an asshole
and answer the question!"
830
00:36:58,480 --> 00:36:59,686
"What do you mean,
answer the question?
831
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:01,445
"It's a shark."
832
00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:04,729
Like, I don't know
who she wants me
to be in her head.
833
00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:09,089
Like, what Nigga is that tough
that he sees a shark and goes,
834
00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:11,049
"I'm sick of
this shark shit!"
835
00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:14,124
And jumps in the water
to fight the shark?
836
00:37:14,200 --> 00:37:16,168
I'm not that guy.
I don't have that muscle.
837
00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:19,564
She said, "Well, what if
the shark attacked me,
838
00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:22,120
"but I got away,
and I swam back
to the boat?"
839
00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:25,249
I said,
"That would never happen.
What kind of attack was this?"
840
00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:28,208
She said, "What do you mean?"
"What do you mean,
what do I mean?"
841
00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:30,487
"What kind of attack was this?
What did the shark get?"
842
00:37:30,720 --> 00:37:33,200
She said,
"The shark bit off
one leg, one arm."
843
00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:41,690
"The shark bit off
one leg and one arm,
and you swam back to the boat?
844
00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:43,922
"That's what
you're telling me?
845
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:45,525
"Was it on the same side?
846
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:48,284
"'Cause on the same side,
you're just gonna go
in a circle.
847
00:37:48,360 --> 00:37:50,761
"This is all you're
gonna do right here,
is one big-ass circle.
848
00:37:50,840 --> 00:37:52,126
"You ain't going
no-fucking-where."
849
00:37:53,640 --> 00:37:55,802
"Stop being an asshole, Kevin,
and answer the question."
850
00:37:56,920 --> 00:38:00,288
"I can't answer the question
if you don't make
the question make sense."
851
00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:02,328
She said, "Fine.
Alternate the sides.
852
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:05,290
"He bit one leg on this side,
one arm on this side."
853
00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:06,691
I said, "So, what,
you wanna know
854
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:08,285
"what I would say when
you got back to the boat?"
855
00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:10,169
She said, "Yeah.
What would you say?"
856
00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:12,722
"Well, who else
is on the boat?"
857
00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:16,882
She said, "It's just us.
It's nobody else on the boat.
Just us."
858
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:18,961
"Okay, let me
get this straight.
859
00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:20,690
"You get attacked
by the shark,
860
00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:22,967
"shark bites off
one leg, one arm,
861
00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:25,247
"you swim back
to the boat,
862
00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:28,206
"you climb up
on the boat,
863
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:31,844
"you're standing in
front of me on one leg,
864
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:36,091
"it's nobody else
on the boat, nobody else.
865
00:38:37,120 --> 00:38:39,168
"If it's nobody
else on the boat,
866
00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:42,727
"I'ma push you back in.
I'ma push you back in.
867
00:38:44,480 --> 00:38:49,520
"Shark gotta finish that.
He gotta finish that.
I'm not going home with that.
868
00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:51,841
"I didn't leave with that.
Why do I have to
go home with that?
869
00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:53,843
"That's not
what I left with.
870
00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:57,322
"The shark gotta
clean that plate.
Clean that plate, Mr. Shark."
871
00:38:58,320 --> 00:39:00,129
That's what my mom tell me,
"Finish your food.
872
00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:01,850
"You better finish
that fucking food."
873
00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:07,368
Y'all can think I'm
an asshole all you want.
This is how I think, man.
874
00:39:07,440 --> 00:39:09,807
I told you,
I'm a drastic thinker.
875
00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:12,281
This is why I told
my family we need to move.
876
00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:14,522
I'm not the father
for the environment
that we live in.
877
00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:16,204
I'm not.
878
00:39:16,280 --> 00:39:18,089
Good thing about my family
is we table everything.
879
00:39:18,160 --> 00:39:20,322
Everything is up
for discussion.
880
00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:22,562
I told my son,
I said, "Look.
I told you I wanna move.
881
00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:24,051
"Tell me
why you wanna stay."
882
00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:25,201
My son told me flat-out,
883
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:27,886
"Dad, I don't wanna move
because I don't wanna
leave my room."
884
00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:29,041
I get it.
885
00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:30,531
I went all out
for my son's room.
886
00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:32,921
My son used to be
into Spider-Man,
now he's into Batman.
887
00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:36,766
So I went out,
I got his whole room
painted as Gotham City.
888
00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:40,561
I put the bat symbol
on the wall. His bed
is the Batmobile.
889
00:39:40,640 --> 00:39:42,449
Batman is on
the actual ceiling.
890
00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:45,410
When my son first saw
the room, he went off.
891
00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:47,602
(GROWLS) "Dad!"
892
00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:48,921
(GROWLS)
893
00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:50,601
(CHUCKLES)
894
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:52,045
He was like,
"I love it!"
895
00:39:52,240 --> 00:39:53,969
(GROWLS)
896
00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:58,161
I told you all,
private schools
are fucking my kids up.
897
00:39:58,240 --> 00:39:59,480
They are.
898
00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:02,484
My son has a lot
of white friends.
They got real long hair.
899
00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:04,767
So my son gets excited,
he does this shit.
900
00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:06,930
Listen, listen to me.
901
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:08,764
It makes me so mad.
902
00:40:08,840 --> 00:40:10,080
Do you understand me?
903
00:40:10,160 --> 00:40:13,004
This shit makes me
so fucking mad.
904
00:40:13,080 --> 00:40:15,651
The reason why is because
his hair looks just like mine.
905
00:40:15,720 --> 00:40:17,085
It's just like mine.
906
00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:18,321
So I'm like,
"What are you doing?"
907
00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:19,765
He was like,
"I couldn't see you."
908
00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:21,922
"Bitch, you see me.
Don't...
909
00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:23,764
"Don't do that.
910
00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:25,251
"You see me.
I'm right here.
911
00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:27,169
"Don't act like
you can't see me."
912
00:40:28,720 --> 00:40:32,088
He was like,
"I just wanna play."
"Fine, go. Go play."
913
00:40:32,200 --> 00:40:34,282
My son goes in his room,
he plays all day.
914
00:40:34,360 --> 00:40:35,646
All day.
915
00:40:35,720 --> 00:40:36,721
It's time for bed.
916
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:39,087
I say, "Go in there,
brush your teeth,
wash your face, get into bed.
917
00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:40,286
"I'ma kiss you
good night."
918
00:40:40,360 --> 00:40:42,567
My son gets into bed,
I kiss my son good night,
919
00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:44,290
I cut out the lights,
I walk out.
920
00:40:44,360 --> 00:40:47,011
When I walk out,
I hear a bunch of screaming.
921
00:40:47,080 --> 00:40:49,924
"No!
922
00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:52,731
"Don't do it, Batman, please!"
What the fuck?
923
00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:55,923
I go running back
in the room.
924
00:40:56,000 --> 00:41:00,801
I run back in the room,
this woman made Batman
glow in the dark.
925
00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:02,405
So Batman...
926
00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:04,366
Batman...
(CHUCKLES)
927
00:41:05,240 --> 00:41:07,447
Batman looked like
he was about to rape my son.
928
00:41:07,520 --> 00:41:09,443
He was just staring
at my son.
929
00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:11,768
Hey, I'm not gonna lie,
I got scared.
930
00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:14,491
I said,
"Get the fuck out
of the bed!
931
00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:17,168
"Get out the bed before
he swoop down on your ass
932
00:41:17,240 --> 00:41:19,971
"and I can't do
nothing about it!"
933
00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:22,560
I can't beat Batman.
934
00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:27,601
My daughter said,
"Dad, I don't wanna move
because I love the space."
935
00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:29,205
My daughter's favorite game
to play at the house,
936
00:41:29,280 --> 00:41:30,691
she loves to hide
from people,
937
00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:33,406
wait for you to walk by,
jump out and scare you.
938
00:41:33,480 --> 00:41:34,561
(SCREAMS)
939
00:41:35,600 --> 00:41:37,284
This girl's patience
is unbelievable.
940
00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:38,850
I've never seen
anything like it.
941
00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:41,161
Like, I've seen
my daughter go hide,
942
00:41:41,240 --> 00:41:43,846
but then I forgot that
she went to go hide.
943
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:46,651
So, like, five,
six hours go by.
944
00:41:46,720 --> 00:41:48,529
I finally walk by,
she jumps out,
945
00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:50,762
but she's too weak
to scare me.
946
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:52,371
(SCREAMS SOFTLY)
947
00:41:54,080 --> 00:41:56,367
"What took you
so long, Daddy?
948
00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:58,409
"I haven't eaten
anything all day.
949
00:41:58,480 --> 00:41:59,970
"I'm so hungry.
950
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:01,725
"My lips are dry,
they're bleeding.
951
00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:03,848
"I need some water right now,
I swear to God."
952
00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:08,042
My kids are characters,
953
00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:10,441
but my kids are
my best friends.
954
00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:11,885
Honestly, they're
my best friends.
955
00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:13,928
I love the fact that
me and my kids talk.
956
00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:15,001
We communicate.
957
00:42:15,080 --> 00:42:16,161
Now, I'm not gonna lie.
958
00:42:16,240 --> 00:42:18,720
I'm not gonna act
like it's all perfect,
because it's not.
959
00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:20,211
We butt heads.
960
00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:22,487
I recently got mad
at my kids
961
00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:24,568
because I feel like my kids
don't put a lot of thought
962
00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:25,801
into the gifts
that they give me.
963
00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:27,484
This shit pisses me off.
964
00:42:27,560 --> 00:42:28,561
I'm serious,
they're making me mad.
965
00:42:28,640 --> 00:42:30,005
I go all out for my kids.
966
00:42:30,080 --> 00:42:31,570
So I feel like
when it's time to do
something for me,
967
00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:33,847
put the same time,
energy and effort into it
968
00:42:33,920 --> 00:42:35,490
that I do when
I do shit for you.
969
00:42:35,560 --> 00:42:36,721
This is what made me mad.
970
00:42:36,800 --> 00:42:39,929
For my birthday,
my son gave me a handprint.
971
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:43,527
This boy dipped
his hand in paint,
put it on a piece of paper,
972
00:42:43,600 --> 00:42:45,762
said, "Happy birthday, Dad.
Love, Hendrix."
973
00:42:45,840 --> 00:42:47,080
Came home excited.
974
00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:49,322
"Dad, I got you something
for your birthday.
975
00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:51,129
"You're gonna love it.
Close your eyes."
976
00:42:51,200 --> 00:42:52,486
I close my eyes.
977
00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:54,324
I'm emotional,
I start crying.
978
00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:55,481
"Boy, don't do this to me.
979
00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:56,891
"Don't do this.
980
00:42:56,960 --> 00:42:57,961
"Not today.
981
00:42:58,040 --> 00:42:59,610
"Don't do it today.
What is it?"
982
00:42:59,720 --> 00:43:01,404
He said, "Open your eyes.
983
00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:03,721
"Happy birthday, Dad.
I did this because
I love you."
984
00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:06,326
I looked at it, I said,
"I'm gonna be honest
with you, son.
985
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:07,811
"I don't really
feel like you do.
986
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:11,248
"I don't think this is
a good representation of
your level of love for me.
987
00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:12,446
"This is a shitty gift.
988
00:43:12,520 --> 00:43:14,488
"It's a fucked-up gift."
989
00:43:14,560 --> 00:43:15,971
Out of the corner of my eye,
990
00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:20,489
I saw my daughter
pushing a macaroni plate
back down into her book bag.
991
00:43:21,560 --> 00:43:22,561
I saw her.
992
00:43:22,640 --> 00:43:24,847
I said,
"What the fuck is that?"
She looked me in the eye.
993
00:43:24,920 --> 00:43:27,161
"Mmm, trying to figure it out.
I don't know yet.
994
00:43:27,240 --> 00:43:29,049
"I don't know what
I want it to be."
995
00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:30,770
Now, I'm not gonna
lie to y'all and say
996
00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:31,966
I didn't hold a grudge,
because I did.
997
00:43:32,040 --> 00:43:33,849
I held a grudge.
998
00:43:33,920 --> 00:43:37,322
I held a grudge all the way up
until my son's birthday.
999
00:43:37,400 --> 00:43:39,607
My son's birthday came,
he woke up, he was hyped.
1000
00:43:39,720 --> 00:43:41,609
"Dad! You know
what today is?"
1001
00:43:41,720 --> 00:43:43,245
"I sure do, son,
it's your birthday.
1002
00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:45,049
"We gonna turn up
like we always do."
1003
00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:46,929
My son goes to school,
gets home.
1004
00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:48,843
When he gets home,
I got a bunch of presents
1005
00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:51,844
wrapped up in boxes
laid all out on the bed.
1006
00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:53,081
He opens 'em up.
1007
00:43:53,160 --> 00:43:57,961
I had 57 handprints
in all the boxes.
1008
00:43:58,560 --> 00:43:59,846
He saw it,
he starts crying.
1009
00:43:59,920 --> 00:44:01,649
He was like,
"What is this?"
1010
00:44:01,720 --> 00:44:04,485
I said, "Those are high fives.
1011
00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:05,800
"I got you high fives."
1012
00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:07,928
He said,
"But I didn't ask for these."
1013
00:44:08,040 --> 00:44:10,486
I said, "Neither did I."
1014
00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:14,202
You selfish son of a bitch.
1015
00:44:14,920 --> 00:44:16,331
You better be lucky
I didn't take a picture
1016
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:17,811
of my ass
and put it
in that box,
1017
00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:20,531
tell you to kiss
my fucking ass,
that's what I should've did.
1018
00:44:21,240 --> 00:44:23,481
"I should've let Batman
rape you." I said that.
1019
00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:24,971
Swear to God,
I said that.
1020
00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:26,963
I know it's wrong,
but I said it.
1021
00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:30,849
When I really wanna
piss my kids off,
1022
00:44:30,920 --> 00:44:33,526
I let my dad
spend time with them.
1023
00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:35,011
That's how I really
get to them.
1024
00:44:35,080 --> 00:44:36,047
Here's the thing.
1025
00:44:36,120 --> 00:44:38,600
My kids love their grandpop,
they really do.
1026
00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:40,170
They just don't like to be
with him for too long
1027
00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:42,203
'cause my dad is too loud.
1028
00:44:42,280 --> 00:44:45,284
It's like the older you get,
the louder you get.
1029
00:44:45,360 --> 00:44:46,691
This isn't even a joke.
1030
00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:48,728
This is how my dad
walks in my house.
1031
00:44:48,800 --> 00:44:50,290
This is his entrance.
1032
00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:52,201
"Where the babies at?
1033
00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:55,727
"Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Ho!"
1034
00:44:56,120 --> 00:44:58,521
That's his entrance.
1035
00:44:58,600 --> 00:45:00,682
It's at the point now
where I can't even
1036
00:45:00,800 --> 00:45:02,928
let my dad watch
my kids by himself.
1037
00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:06,402
I gotta watch my dad
while he watches my kids.
1038
00:45:06,480 --> 00:45:07,766
'Cause he does too
many stupid things.
1039
00:45:07,840 --> 00:45:10,730
I caught my dad giving my kids
raw candy out of his pocket.
1040
00:45:10,800 --> 00:45:12,040
Candy with no wrapper.
1041
00:45:12,120 --> 00:45:13,087
It was loose.
1042
00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:14,207
It was just in his pocket.
1043
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:16,601
He said, "Huh, huh,
y'all want one of these?"
1044
00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:18,603
"What the fuck is that?
What are they?"
1045
00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:22,366
He said, "Peppermints."
"Ain't no goddamn peppermint.
1046
00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:25,250
"Where the lines at
on that peppermint?"
1047
00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:27,368
He said, "My jeans
must have rubbed it off."
"Nigga!
1048
00:45:28,440 --> 00:45:31,330
"You're not
about to give my kids
no jean-dyed peppermint!"
1049
00:45:32,560 --> 00:45:33,766
"Fine, more for me."
1050
00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:36,207
Takes the peppermint
out of his pocket,
puts it in his mouth.
1051
00:45:36,280 --> 00:45:38,089
Five minutes go by,
I saw my dad take
1052
00:45:38,160 --> 00:45:39,685
that peppermint
out of his mouth,
1053
00:45:39,760 --> 00:45:41,125
put it back in his pocket.
1054
00:45:41,200 --> 00:45:44,090
Those were half-sucked
on peppermints!
1055
00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:47,886
He's not gonna give my kids
no goddamn suck-and-saves.
1056
00:45:47,960 --> 00:45:49,530
That's a suck-and-save!
1057
00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:51,491
That's an old people trick.
1058
00:45:51,600 --> 00:45:53,967
Old people love to
suck on candy and save it.
1059
00:45:54,040 --> 00:45:55,724
"I'ma save this
till after church."
1060
00:45:55,800 --> 00:45:58,201
"Nana, eat that fucking candy!
1061
00:45:58,280 --> 00:45:59,964
"Little piece of
candy left, Grandma.
1062
00:46:00,040 --> 00:46:01,690
"Eat that fucking candy!"
1063
00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:03,410
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
1064
00:46:03,480 --> 00:46:04,641
My dad is a character.
1065
00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:08,206
The shit that
I'm telling you,
you can't make up.
1066
00:46:08,520 --> 00:46:11,285
I bought my dad
an iPhone 6 for
his birthday.
1067
00:46:11,360 --> 00:46:13,203
I've never seen
my dad use the phone.
1068
00:46:13,280 --> 00:46:14,281
Never.
1069
00:46:14,360 --> 00:46:16,886
He comes downstairs one day,
he goes, "Hey!
1070
00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:18,889
"I wanna take the kids
to go get some pizza."
1071
00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:20,166
I said, "First of all,
you're not going anywhere
1072
00:46:20,240 --> 00:46:21,605
"with my kids
by yourself.
1073
00:46:21,680 --> 00:46:23,569
"We can go as a group."
1074
00:46:23,640 --> 00:46:25,449
I said, "Where you wanna go?"
This is true shit.
1075
00:46:25,520 --> 00:46:27,124
You cannot make this up.
1076
00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:29,168
My dad takes
his phone out of
his back pocket,
1077
00:46:29,240 --> 00:46:30,651
this is what I hear,
1078
00:46:31,720 --> 00:46:35,122
"Cyrus, where is
the closest pizza spot?"
1079
00:46:41,360 --> 00:46:42,691
"What did you just say?"
1080
00:46:42,760 --> 00:46:45,047
(SHUSHING)
"Cyrus, where you at?
1081
00:46:45,120 --> 00:46:46,121
"Talk to me.
1082
00:46:46,240 --> 00:46:48,208
"Looking for a pizza spot.
Wake up.
1083
00:46:48,280 --> 00:46:49,770
"Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up."
1084
00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:51,251
He starts shaking the phone.
1085
00:46:51,320 --> 00:46:53,926
"Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up."
1086
00:46:54,040 --> 00:46:57,123
My dad thinks there's a Nigga
living in the phone!
1087
00:47:00,360 --> 00:47:01,771
"It's 'Siri',
you dumb bitch!
1088
00:47:01,880 --> 00:47:02,961
"'Siri'!
1089
00:47:03,560 --> 00:47:05,562
"Not goddamn Cyrus."
1090
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:10,449
He's a character.
1091
00:47:10,520 --> 00:47:12,249
I love him, though.
1092
00:47:12,320 --> 00:47:14,322
Hates the fact that
I don't whup my kids.
1093
00:47:14,400 --> 00:47:15,765
Hates it.
1094
00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:18,081
My dad is old school,
old generation.
1095
00:47:18,160 --> 00:47:21,164
Old generation believes
in whupping the kid's ass.
1096
00:47:21,240 --> 00:47:22,526
That's all they believe in.
1097
00:47:22,600 --> 00:47:24,807
It's not that I don't.
It's not that I don't.
1098
00:47:24,880 --> 00:47:26,405
I don't want y'all
to think that I don't.
1099
00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:29,086
I just don't feel like
I need to whup my kid's ass.
1100
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:31,009
My voice is enough.
1101
00:47:31,080 --> 00:47:33,481
"Shut the fuck up!"
That's enough.
1102
00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:36,721
Private school kids,
they get scared fast.
1103
00:47:36,920 --> 00:47:38,285
(SCREAMING)
1104
00:47:42,680 --> 00:47:45,684
"Dad's going crazy again!
1105
00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:48,485
"Let's go to our secret spot!"
Private school kids.
1106
00:47:50,320 --> 00:47:51,765
I'm not gonna lie
to y'all.
1107
00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:54,889
It does piss me off
that my kids
don't have any edge.
1108
00:47:54,960 --> 00:47:56,689
I want my kids
to have edge.
1109
00:47:56,760 --> 00:47:57,886
But they're not.
1110
00:47:57,960 --> 00:47:59,962
I'm not a thug,
I'm not a killer, people.
1111
00:48:00,040 --> 00:48:01,963
But I got some edge to me.
1112
00:48:02,040 --> 00:48:04,520
You need edge to
survive in life.
1113
00:48:05,360 --> 00:48:06,361
My kids aren't
gonna have that edge.
1114
00:48:06,440 --> 00:48:09,410
The reason why is
because they're growing up
different than I grew up.
1115
00:48:09,480 --> 00:48:11,289
My son definitely
doesn't have it.
1116
00:48:11,360 --> 00:48:12,805
I gave up.
I don't even give a shit.
1117
00:48:12,880 --> 00:48:14,370
It is what it is.
1118
00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:15,566
Swear to God,
it is what it is.
1119
00:48:15,640 --> 00:48:17,290
I'ma tell you
the day that I gave up.
1120
00:48:17,720 --> 00:48:19,051
The day that I gave up,
1121
00:48:19,120 --> 00:48:21,407
I got some of my friends
over to my house
that I grew up with.
1122
00:48:21,480 --> 00:48:22,766
We're in the kitchen,
1123
00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:26,322
we're having a thug-like
conversation about our pasts.
1124
00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:28,440
"Yo, Kev.
1125
00:48:28,520 --> 00:48:29,851
"You remember
when Ronald got shot
1126
00:48:29,920 --> 00:48:32,287
"in the back of the head?"
"God damn, I do.
1127
00:48:32,360 --> 00:48:33,407
"I really do.
1128
00:48:33,480 --> 00:48:34,891
"Died on the spot."
1129
00:48:34,960 --> 00:48:35,927
"What about Terry?
1130
00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:37,047
"You remember Terry
got shot in the back?"
1131
00:48:37,120 --> 00:48:39,088
"Fuck! I remember that."
1132
00:48:39,160 --> 00:48:41,766
I hear my son
coming down the steps.
1133
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:44,047
I hear his flip-flops popping.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
1134
00:48:45,440 --> 00:48:47,204
They're popping fast.
(CONTINUES CLICKING)
1135
00:48:47,680 --> 00:48:49,170
So that means
he's walking
with a purpose.
1136
00:48:49,280 --> 00:48:50,486
Something's wrong.
1137
00:48:50,560 --> 00:48:53,325
He gets downstairs,
he got an attitude.
1138
00:48:53,880 --> 00:48:55,006
"Dad!
1139
00:49:01,200 --> 00:49:02,725
"Wi-Fi's down!"
1140
00:49:05,880 --> 00:49:07,689
What the fuck?
1141
00:49:07,760 --> 00:49:09,046
What?
1142
00:49:09,120 --> 00:49:10,531
"Well, you want me
to reboot it?
1143
00:49:10,600 --> 00:49:13,331
"'Cause nobody else
seems to care."
1144
00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:15,721
"Go! Go, reboot it, man. Go."
1145
00:49:15,800 --> 00:49:17,962
"I'm thirsty,
could I have a Capri Sun?"
1146
00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:19,724
"Son, get the fuck out
of my face.
1147
00:49:19,800 --> 00:49:21,245
"Just go. Go!
1148
00:49:21,320 --> 00:49:22,560
"Them tight-ass pajamas.
1149
00:49:22,640 --> 00:49:24,051
"Take your ass upstairs. Go.
1150
00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:26,727
"And put on some
loose pajamas!"
1151
00:49:28,120 --> 00:49:30,885
Now, I don't know
what made me more upset.
1152
00:49:30,960 --> 00:49:33,088
That, or my friend going,
1153
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:36,567
"Who the fuck is Wi-Fi?"
1154
00:49:38,440 --> 00:49:41,250
I said,
"What did you just say?"
1155
00:49:41,320 --> 00:49:43,607
"I'm saying, he said that
they're gonna reboot it.
1156
00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:45,205
"If they're strapped,
we're strapped.
1157
00:49:45,280 --> 00:49:47,044
"I'ma die for mines."
1158
00:49:48,560 --> 00:49:50,847
"What the fuck are
you talking about, man?
1159
00:49:50,920 --> 00:49:52,570
"It's the Internet,
jackass!
1160
00:49:52,640 --> 00:49:54,324
"It's the Internet!"
1161
00:49:54,400 --> 00:49:55,526
"Well, you need
to say something,
1162
00:49:55,600 --> 00:49:57,523
"'cause we almost
lost a life today."
1163
00:49:57,640 --> 00:49:58,971
"Whose life?
1164
00:49:59,520 --> 00:50:01,090
"You was gonna kill my son?"
1165
00:50:02,200 --> 00:50:04,328
"Depending on
what side he was on."
1166
00:50:04,400 --> 00:50:05,401
What?
1167
00:50:09,400 --> 00:50:12,370
My dad called me
over the holidays.
1168
00:50:12,440 --> 00:50:13,805
"Hey!
1169
00:50:13,880 --> 00:50:14,927
"I miss you.
1170
00:50:15,000 --> 00:50:17,241
"I miss you,
I miss them babies.
1171
00:50:17,320 --> 00:50:18,685
"I wanna come see y'all."
1172
00:50:18,760 --> 00:50:21,684
I said, "Dad, all you
gotta do is tell me when,
I'll put you on a plane."
1173
00:50:21,760 --> 00:50:24,127
He said, "Well, I wanna
bring Connie with me."
1174
00:50:24,200 --> 00:50:26,521
"Dad, you wanna bring Connie,
you can bring Connie."
1175
00:50:26,600 --> 00:50:27,931
"Well, before I bring her,
I need to know
1176
00:50:28,000 --> 00:50:31,721
"if your house is
wheelchair accessible."
1177
00:50:34,960 --> 00:50:37,008
"Well, Dad, nobody
in my house is
in a wheelchair,
1178
00:50:37,080 --> 00:50:38,809
"so I never felt the need
1179
00:50:38,880 --> 00:50:41,724
"to wheelchair-accessorize
my home."
1180
00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:43,245
"Well, you need
to get it right.
1181
00:50:43,320 --> 00:50:44,970
"Connie's in
a wheelchair now."
1182
00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:46,371
"What the fuck
happened to Connie?
1183
00:50:46,480 --> 00:50:47,925
"Why is Connie
in a wheelchair?"
1184
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:49,889
"It's a long story.
1185
00:50:49,960 --> 00:50:52,122
"She got hit by a car."
1186
00:50:52,200 --> 00:50:54,407
"Okay, first of all,
you just told the story.
1187
00:50:54,480 --> 00:50:56,562
"It wasn't that long at all.
1188
00:50:57,800 --> 00:50:59,848
"Second of all,
how'd she get hit by a car?
1189
00:50:59,920 --> 00:51:00,887
"What happened?"
1190
00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:03,850
"Look, boy, I ain't got time
to talk to you about that.
1191
00:51:03,920 --> 00:51:06,287
"I was driving,
she was in the street,
it was raining.
1192
00:51:06,360 --> 00:51:08,124
"Legally, I can't talk
about it
1193
00:51:08,200 --> 00:51:09,565
"'cause the case
is still open."
1194
00:51:09,640 --> 00:51:10,801
"The case?
1195
00:51:11,800 --> 00:51:13,484
"You got a case?"
1196
00:51:14,560 --> 00:51:17,131
"Look, boy, just get
some wheelchair shit
for the house."
1197
00:51:17,200 --> 00:51:18,804
"Fine."
1198
00:51:18,880 --> 00:51:21,121
I don't know what
wheelchair shit is,
people.
1199
00:51:21,200 --> 00:51:24,044
I have no idea what
wheelchair shit is.
1200
00:51:24,920 --> 00:51:26,081
True story.
1201
00:51:26,160 --> 00:51:28,003
I went out, I bought
a handicapped sign,
1202
00:51:28,080 --> 00:51:29,206
I put it in the driveway.
1203
00:51:29,280 --> 00:51:31,089
True story, swear to God.
1204
00:51:31,160 --> 00:51:33,481
'Cause that way,
when they pull up,
I look like I support.
1205
00:51:33,560 --> 00:51:34,891
Like, hey.
1206
00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:36,530
Hey.
1207
00:51:37,520 --> 00:51:38,851
Look who's welcome here.
1208
00:51:38,920 --> 00:51:40,285
Like, hey.
1209
00:51:40,960 --> 00:51:42,769
They get there,
1210
00:51:42,840 --> 00:51:45,605
my dad takes
the wheelchair out of the car,
puts Connie in the wheelchair.
1211
00:51:45,680 --> 00:51:47,887
He rolls Connie
in the house.
1212
00:51:48,000 --> 00:51:49,764
Connie gets in the house,
she goes off.
1213
00:51:49,840 --> 00:51:51,729
"Oh, my God!
1214
00:51:51,800 --> 00:51:53,768
"I love it! I love it!
1215
00:51:53,880 --> 00:51:55,325
"I wanna see
the whole house!"
1216
00:51:55,400 --> 00:51:58,802
She says,
"Spoon, push me all over
so I can see everything."
1217
00:51:58,880 --> 00:52:00,882
My dad snapped. "No!
1218
00:52:00,960 --> 00:52:02,007
"No!
1219
00:52:02,520 --> 00:52:05,683
"Sick of this pushing shit!"
That's what he said.
1220
00:52:06,960 --> 00:52:10,487
"I've been pushing
your ass all over
the place all goddamn day.
1221
00:52:10,560 --> 00:52:13,211
"Wherever I sit you is
where you're gonna have
to stay
1222
00:52:13,280 --> 00:52:15,362
"until I feel like
moving you again."
1223
00:52:15,440 --> 00:52:17,090
I said, "What?
1224
00:52:17,480 --> 00:52:20,006
"Why can't she just
roll around the house
by herself?"
1225
00:52:20,080 --> 00:52:21,491
He said, "'Cause
when I sit her down,
1226
00:52:21,560 --> 00:52:24,564
"I'ma lock the back brakes
so she can't move."
1227
00:52:26,120 --> 00:52:28,327
"For what?"
"Because I love her!
1228
00:52:28,400 --> 00:52:30,801
"And I don't want her
rolling out of my life,
that's why."
1229
00:52:30,880 --> 00:52:32,120
"Okay, all right, stop.
1230
00:52:32,200 --> 00:52:34,806
"Everybody, stop. Stop."
1231
00:52:35,760 --> 00:52:38,730
I said, "Look,
y'all just landed, man.
1232
00:52:38,840 --> 00:52:40,569
"Everybody's
a little bit on edge.
1233
00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:41,641
"This is what
we're gonna do.
1234
00:52:41,760 --> 00:52:43,000
"We're gonna have
a family night.
1235
00:52:43,080 --> 00:52:45,208
"I'ma order some food,
we're gonna watch a movie.
1236
00:52:45,280 --> 00:52:46,406
"That's what we're gonna do."
1237
00:52:46,480 --> 00:52:49,848
I order some food, I say,
"Connie, go in the other room.
1238
00:52:49,920 --> 00:52:51,331
"Go pick out a movie
you wanna watch."
1239
00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:53,607
Connie goes in the room,
she picks out a movie.
1240
00:52:53,680 --> 00:52:54,681
She comes back.
1241
00:52:54,760 --> 00:52:58,446
The movie she picked out
was called The Conjuring.
1242
00:52:58,520 --> 00:53:01,330
For those people here
tonight who do not know
what The Conjuring is,
1243
00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:03,801
The Conjuring is
a scary-ass movie
1244
00:53:03,880 --> 00:53:05,530
that came out
a long time ago.
1245
00:53:05,600 --> 00:53:08,285
I said, "Connie, I don't
think it's a good idea
for us to watch that
1246
00:53:08,360 --> 00:53:10,567
"because of everything
that's been going on
around the house."
1247
00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:12,005
My dad says,
"Stop being a bitch."
1248
00:53:12,080 --> 00:53:13,525
I said,
"No, Dad, I'm serious.
1249
00:53:13,600 --> 00:53:17,525
"A raccoon shot at me twice,
grabbed his dick,
disappeared into the dark.
1250
00:53:17,600 --> 00:53:19,045
"I don't have lights
in my driveway."
1251
00:53:19,120 --> 00:53:20,929
He said, "Stop being a bitch!
1252
00:53:21,000 --> 00:53:22,126
"Connie wants to
watch the movie,
1253
00:53:22,200 --> 00:53:24,089
"we're gonna watch
the movie." Fine.
1254
00:53:24,160 --> 00:53:25,844
We watch The Conjuring.
1255
00:53:25,920 --> 00:53:28,127
After the movie's over,
it did exactly what
I thought it would do,
1256
00:53:28,200 --> 00:53:29,565
scared the shit out of me.
1257
00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:32,405
My dad and Connie,
they wanna go upstairs
and they wanna go to sleep.
1258
00:53:32,840 --> 00:53:36,890
Me and my dad pick Connie
in the wheelchair up,
carry her upstairs,
1259
00:53:36,960 --> 00:53:39,486
Connie and my dad
get into bed,
they go to sleep.
1260
00:53:39,560 --> 00:53:41,722
Me and my lady get into bed,
my lady goes to sleep.
1261
00:53:41,800 --> 00:53:42,961
I'm up.
1262
00:53:43,480 --> 00:53:45,050
I can't go to sleep,
1263
00:53:45,120 --> 00:53:47,885
'cause I got
The Conjuring
on my mind.
1264
00:53:48,480 --> 00:53:50,721
I hear this in the hallway.
1265
00:53:51,560 --> 00:53:52,721
(THUDDING)
1266
00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:57,970
(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING)
1267
00:54:01,640 --> 00:54:03,324
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
1268
00:54:14,880 --> 00:54:18,851
Every man in this room tonight
has done this at least once.
1269
00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:20,650
(RUMBLING CONTINUES)
1270
00:54:29,000 --> 00:54:30,126
"Hey, babe, are you up?
1271
00:54:30,200 --> 00:54:32,248
"I just heard some shit
in the hallway."
1272
00:54:34,800 --> 00:54:35,961
"No, I'm asleep.
1273
00:54:36,040 --> 00:54:37,644
"Just go see what it is."
1274
00:54:39,080 --> 00:54:41,686
"Go put some shoes on
so you can go see
what it is with me,
1275
00:54:41,760 --> 00:54:43,649
"so we can both go see
what it is."
1276
00:54:43,720 --> 00:54:44,960
"Stop, Kevin, I'm asleep.
1277
00:54:45,040 --> 00:54:46,963
"Just go see what it is."
1278
00:54:50,480 --> 00:54:51,606
I hear it again.
1279
00:54:51,960 --> 00:54:53,121
(THUDDING)
1280
00:54:53,200 --> 00:54:54,804
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
1281
00:54:59,200 --> 00:55:01,931
You ever get so
scared that you don't know
where to put your hands at?
1282
00:55:07,080 --> 00:55:08,684
"All right!
1283
00:55:09,760 --> 00:55:12,161
"Don't make me
come out there!
1284
00:55:12,240 --> 00:55:14,242
"'Cause if I get out there,
I'ma be there!"
1285
00:55:14,640 --> 00:55:16,244
I don't even know
what that means.
I was scared.
1286
00:55:16,320 --> 00:55:18,004
It was the first thing
that came to my mind.
1287
00:55:18,080 --> 00:55:21,562
She said,
"Stop yelling at my ear,
just go see what it is."
1288
00:55:21,640 --> 00:55:23,290
"Well, you're up.
It don't look
like you're asleep,
1289
00:55:23,360 --> 00:55:25,169
"so you should come with me.
1290
00:55:25,240 --> 00:55:27,004
"Fine, fine.
I'll go by myself."
1291
00:55:27,080 --> 00:55:30,482
I sleep naked,
so I had to get up,
I had to put a robe on.
1292
00:55:30,560 --> 00:55:32,130
I grabbed my robe,
1293
00:55:32,560 --> 00:55:35,450
I start scared-walking
towards the hallway.
1294
00:55:36,760 --> 00:55:39,286
Scared-walking is
when you're walking,
1295
00:55:39,360 --> 00:55:42,170
but you're leaning
backwards just in case...
1296
00:55:43,520 --> 00:55:44,806
Just in case
some shit goes down,
1297
00:55:44,880 --> 00:55:46,848
you can get the fuck up
out of there real quick.
1298
00:55:46,920 --> 00:55:48,285
It's quick.
1299
00:55:48,760 --> 00:55:50,489
I'm scared-walking.
1300
00:55:51,240 --> 00:55:52,765
Scared-walking.
1301
00:55:53,920 --> 00:55:55,081
I get to the hallway.
1302
00:55:55,160 --> 00:55:57,128
As soon as I get
to the hallway,
I cut the lights on.
1303
00:55:57,600 --> 00:55:58,761
(SCREAMS)
1304
00:55:59,560 --> 00:56:01,085
I don't what it is,
people act like
1305
00:56:01,160 --> 00:56:03,322
lights can stop a murder.
Like...
1306
00:56:04,040 --> 00:56:06,611
Like a murderer will
see lights and be like,
1307
00:56:06,680 --> 00:56:08,091
"Man, I was about to
stab you in the neck,
1308
00:56:08,160 --> 00:56:10,527
"but you got these
fucking lights on,
I ain't gonna do it now."
1309
00:56:10,600 --> 00:56:12,967
They don't give
a shit about lights.
1310
00:56:13,040 --> 00:56:14,804
I start scared-walking
down this way.
1311
00:56:14,880 --> 00:56:16,166
Scared-walking.
1312
00:56:16,240 --> 00:56:17,969
I'm scared-walking.
1313
00:56:18,920 --> 00:56:20,490
Scared-walking.
1314
00:56:21,520 --> 00:56:25,127
Out of nowhere,
my daughter jumps
from behind the wall.
1315
00:56:26,200 --> 00:56:27,884
(SCREAMING)
1316
00:56:30,560 --> 00:56:31,891
Listen to me.
1317
00:56:31,960 --> 00:56:35,407
Scared the living shit
out of me.
1318
00:56:36,440 --> 00:56:39,842
All I can tell y'all
is that she learned
from her past mistakes.
1319
00:56:39,920 --> 00:56:43,402
She had a canteen
on this hip,
1320
00:56:44,800 --> 00:56:47,929
she had a fanny pack
on this hip with snacks
and shit.
1321
00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:50,401
I don't know how long
she was there,
1322
00:56:50,480 --> 00:56:53,086
but it had to be
for a long time.
1323
00:56:53,160 --> 00:56:55,083
I was so scared,
I turned around,
1324
00:56:55,160 --> 00:56:57,083
I jumped down
my flight of steps.
1325
00:56:57,160 --> 00:56:58,969
I got 15 steps
in my house.
1326
00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:00,724
I just jumped.
1327
00:57:00,800 --> 00:57:03,804
When I jumped,
the air got
the best of my robe,
1328
00:57:03,880 --> 00:57:05,086
it blew my robe up.
1329
00:57:05,160 --> 00:57:07,527
My dick, my ass,
everything is out.
1330
00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:11,762
Somehow my car keys
fall in my hand.
1331
00:57:11,840 --> 00:57:12,966
Don't know how.
1332
00:57:13,040 --> 00:57:14,530
I don't really care.
1333
00:57:14,600 --> 00:57:17,171
I land,
I run out the front door,
1334
00:57:17,240 --> 00:57:20,403
get in my car,
start the car up,
I start laughing.
1335
00:57:20,480 --> 00:57:22,369
I start dying laughing.
1336
00:57:22,680 --> 00:57:24,682
The reason why I was
laughing is because
1337
00:57:24,760 --> 00:57:27,650
I realized that
I don't give a fuck
about my family.
1338
00:57:27,720 --> 00:57:29,609
I was like,
"I don't care.
1339
00:57:29,680 --> 00:57:32,047
"I don't care!
1340
00:57:32,680 --> 00:57:33,761
"I don't care!"
1341
00:57:33,840 --> 00:57:35,604
I didn't go wake my son up.
1342
00:57:35,720 --> 00:57:37,370
I didn't go check on my lady.
1343
00:57:37,440 --> 00:57:39,124
To be 100% honest
with you all,
1344
00:57:39,200 --> 00:57:41,362
I don't even know
if that was my daughter
or not.
1345
00:57:41,440 --> 00:57:44,842
In my mind,
that was the little bitch
from The Conjuring
1346
00:57:44,920 --> 00:57:47,082
that was clapping at everybody
goddamn near her.
1347
00:57:48,560 --> 00:57:50,881
I turn around and
back out the driveway,
1348
00:57:51,200 --> 00:57:55,683
my dad is sitting in
the backseat of the car.
1349
00:57:58,040 --> 00:58:01,362
I said, "What the fuck
is going on here?"
1350
00:58:01,440 --> 00:58:03,169
My dad goes...
1351
00:58:03,240 --> 00:58:04,969
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
1352
00:58:05,400 --> 00:58:07,084
"Did you hear that shit?"
1353
00:58:07,600 --> 00:58:09,329
I said, "What?"
1354
00:58:10,360 --> 00:58:12,601
"Did you hear that shit?
1355
00:58:13,560 --> 00:58:15,403
"We gotta get
the fuck outta here!"
1356
00:58:17,160 --> 00:58:18,764
I said, "What about Connie?"
1357
00:58:18,840 --> 00:58:20,205
He said, "What about her?
1358
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:23,762
"I can't carry
that goddamn chair
downstairs by myself!
1359
00:58:24,240 --> 00:58:25,685
"I locked the back brakes.
1360
00:58:25,760 --> 00:58:27,250
"The back brakes are jammed.
1361
00:58:27,320 --> 00:58:29,561
"I can't get
the back brakes unjammed.
1362
00:58:29,920 --> 00:58:32,002
"We gotta get the fuck
outta here right now!"
1363
00:58:33,280 --> 00:58:34,884
I said,
"If you was that scared,
1364
00:58:34,960 --> 00:58:36,530
"then why didn't
you leave already?"
1365
00:58:36,600 --> 00:58:39,604
He said, "'Cause a raccoon
kept coming to the car
1366
00:58:39,680 --> 00:58:41,682
"going 'bang, bang,'
and then he grabbed his dick,
1367
00:58:41,760 --> 00:58:42,921
"disappeared into the dark.
1368
00:58:43,040 --> 00:58:45,646
"We gotta get the fuck
outta here right now!"
1369
00:58:45,720 --> 00:58:49,441
He pulled out his iPhone
and he said,
"Cyrus, wake your ass up!
1370
00:58:49,520 --> 00:58:51,727
"Get my ass up
outta here right now!
1371
00:58:51,840 --> 00:58:54,571
"We ain't got time for you
to be fucking asleep, Cyrus."
1372
00:58:54,640 --> 00:58:57,291
"It's Siri,
you dumb bitch. Siri."
1373
00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:04,208
The toughest part
about that night
1374
00:59:04,280 --> 00:59:06,282
was the next morning
when I got back home.
1375
00:59:09,720 --> 00:59:10,881
Oh! Oh, no, we left!
1376
00:59:10,960 --> 00:59:12,007
I'm sorry, I forgot.
1377
00:59:12,080 --> 00:59:13,605
Yeah, we left.
1378
00:59:14,120 --> 00:59:16,930
Me and my dad made
an executive decision
to save ourselves.
1379
00:59:17,000 --> 00:59:18,411
We got the fuck
up outta there.
1380
00:59:20,320 --> 00:59:22,482
The reason why
the next morning
was so tough
1381
00:59:22,560 --> 00:59:25,404
'cause as soon as
I walked in the house,
my lady was in the kitchen.
1382
00:59:25,480 --> 00:59:27,642
She was like, "Where
did you go last night?"
And I told her,
1383
00:59:27,720 --> 00:59:29,324
I was like, "I left."
1384
00:59:29,400 --> 00:59:31,084
She said,
"What do you mean, you left?"
1385
00:59:31,160 --> 00:59:33,049
I was like, "I left.
I saved myself.
1386
00:59:33,120 --> 00:59:34,565
"The only reason
why I came back
1387
00:59:34,640 --> 00:59:36,324
"is because I didn't see
anything on the news
1388
00:59:36,400 --> 00:59:38,004
"so I knew you
were still alive."
1389
00:59:38,920 --> 00:59:40,081
I told the truth.
1390
00:59:40,440 --> 00:59:41,521
I did.
1391
00:59:41,640 --> 00:59:44,120
The reason why I told
the truth is because
I told myself
1392
00:59:44,200 --> 00:59:46,009
that I'm not
gonna lie anymore.
1393
00:59:46,080 --> 00:59:50,483
The only way
I'll lie is if the truth
doesn't sound believable.
1394
00:59:51,000 --> 00:59:55,005
Ladies, please, please
try to understand that.
1395
00:59:55,080 --> 00:59:57,082
That doesn't mean
I was out cheating
or fucking.
1396
00:59:57,160 --> 00:59:59,811
It means that
whatever I was doing
just doesn't sound right
1397
00:59:59,880 --> 01:00:01,291
when I say it out loud.
1398
01:00:01,360 --> 01:00:03,442
That's it.
That's all it means.
1399
01:00:03,520 --> 01:00:04,931
Everybody that
follows me knows
1400
01:00:05,000 --> 01:00:07,446
that all my comedy
comes from a real place.
1401
01:00:07,520 --> 01:00:09,682
First and foremost,
understand that
I'm older now.
1402
01:00:09,760 --> 01:00:10,761
I'm 36.
1403
01:00:10,840 --> 01:00:12,330
My friends are older
than me.
1404
01:00:12,400 --> 01:00:14,846
42, 46, 47, 48.
1405
01:00:14,920 --> 01:00:17,844
We go out,
we do older guy shit.
1406
01:00:18,120 --> 01:00:20,964
Me and my friends
go to a lounge,
this is a true story.
1407
01:00:21,160 --> 01:00:23,288
When we get to the lounge,
for some reason,
1408
01:00:23,360 --> 01:00:26,284
we're watching
ping-pong on TV.
1409
01:00:26,880 --> 01:00:30,202
We are locked in to
this ping-pong match.
1410
01:00:30,280 --> 01:00:31,725
Outta nowhere,
my friend Joey goes,
1411
01:00:31,800 --> 01:00:33,848
"You'd better be lucky
we don't have
a ping-pong table.
1412
01:00:33,920 --> 01:00:36,491
"If we did, I would
bust all y'all's ass."
1413
01:00:36,560 --> 01:00:37,971
I said, "Bet money, bitch."
1414
01:00:38,040 --> 01:00:39,565
That's me
and my friends'
biggest problem.
1415
01:00:39,640 --> 01:00:40,801
We're competitive.
1416
01:00:40,880 --> 01:00:43,326
The word "bet" sets off
that competitive nature.
1417
01:00:43,400 --> 01:00:44,526
I said, "Bet money, bitch."
1418
01:00:44,600 --> 01:00:46,648
Harry said, "Bet."
Wayne, "Bet."
1419
01:00:46,720 --> 01:00:48,529
Spank, "Bet." Joey, "Bet."
1420
01:00:48,600 --> 01:00:50,409
"Bitch, bet." "Bet." "Bet."
1421
01:00:50,480 --> 01:00:52,050
"Motherfucker, bet." "Bet."
1422
01:00:52,120 --> 01:00:54,009
"Nigga, bet."
"Bet." "Bet it, bitch."
1423
01:00:54,080 --> 01:00:55,684
"Bet." "Bet."
1424
01:00:55,760 --> 01:00:57,364
"Fuck you, bet." "Bet."
1425
01:00:59,200 --> 01:01:02,249
We get in the car,
we drive to Walmart.
1426
01:01:02,760 --> 01:01:06,128
We drive to Walmart,
we buy a ping-pong table.
1427
01:01:06,200 --> 01:01:10,171
We go back to Joey's house,
we set the ping-pong table
up in the kitchen.
1428
01:01:10,240 --> 01:01:12,242
We get to playing ping-pong.
1429
01:01:12,320 --> 01:01:17,281
Our game looks
nothing like the game
that we were watching on TV.
1430
01:01:17,800 --> 01:01:20,326
So we decide to add
alcohol into the mix.
1431
01:01:20,400 --> 01:01:22,880
Hit the ball into the net,
gotta take a shot.
1432
01:01:22,960 --> 01:01:26,043
You get slammed on,
gotta take two shots.
1433
01:01:26,160 --> 01:01:28,367
You get slammed on
and you miss the ball
completely,
1434
01:01:28,440 --> 01:01:30,044
gotta take three shots.
1435
01:01:30,120 --> 01:01:32,691
Somewhere along the line,
the game got so competitive
1436
01:01:32,760 --> 01:01:36,685
that Joey decided
to cut his jeans
into jean shorts
1437
01:01:36,760 --> 01:01:39,047
'cause he said
he wasn't getting enough
lateral movement
1438
01:01:39,120 --> 01:01:40,804
in the house.
1439
01:01:40,880 --> 01:01:42,644
Here's the fucked-up part
about that.
1440
01:01:42,760 --> 01:01:44,250
It was Joey's house.
1441
01:01:44,320 --> 01:01:47,324
All Joey had to do
is go upstairs
1442
01:01:47,400 --> 01:01:50,802
and change into a pair
of goddamn jean shorts.
1443
01:01:51,400 --> 01:01:53,368
Here's the second
fucked-up part about that.
1444
01:01:53,480 --> 01:01:56,051
Joey went upstairs
to get the scissors
1445
01:01:56,120 --> 01:02:00,444
to come back downstairs
and cut his jeans
into jean shorts.
1446
01:02:01,720 --> 01:02:03,609
Somewhere along the line,
I get slammed on.
1447
01:02:03,680 --> 01:02:06,081
I go to return the ball,
I miss the ball,
1448
01:02:06,200 --> 01:02:08,567
run into the wall,
fall down, black out.
1449
01:02:08,640 --> 01:02:10,085
I wake up, it's 10:00 am.
1450
01:02:10,160 --> 01:02:11,491
Holy shit.
1451
01:02:12,520 --> 01:02:14,045
It's 10:00 am!
1452
01:02:14,720 --> 01:02:15,960
I wake up,
I look at my phone,
1453
01:02:16,040 --> 01:02:19,647
I got 37 missed calls,
47 text messages.
1454
01:02:20,240 --> 01:02:21,651
Fellas, I'ma tell you
something.
1455
01:02:21,720 --> 01:02:23,768
The worst thing
that you can do in life
1456
01:02:23,840 --> 01:02:26,161
is not respond to
your lady's text messages.
1457
01:02:26,240 --> 01:02:27,287
Do you hear me?
1458
01:02:27,360 --> 01:02:29,010
That's the worst thing
that you could do.
1459
01:02:29,080 --> 01:02:31,367
The reason why I say that
is because your woman
1460
01:02:31,440 --> 01:02:34,410
will then proceed to having
a conversation with herself
1461
01:02:34,520 --> 01:02:37,888
through the messages
that she's sending you.
1462
01:02:39,600 --> 01:02:40,726
Listen to me.
1463
01:02:40,800 --> 01:02:43,644
This is what
that conversation
looks like.
1464
01:02:44,320 --> 01:02:45,321
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
1465
01:02:45,440 --> 01:02:48,205
(SINGSONG) "So this
is what we doing now?
1466
01:02:51,840 --> 01:02:54,320
"Wow!
1467
01:02:54,400 --> 01:02:57,404
"I guess this
what we're doing now.
1468
01:03:00,040 --> 01:03:01,121
"You know what?
1469
01:03:01,200 --> 01:03:03,931
"I hope that bitch
is worth it.
1470
01:03:07,040 --> 01:03:09,407
"Wow!
1471
01:03:09,480 --> 01:03:12,723
"So you telling me
that bitch is worth it?
1472
01:03:14,960 --> 01:03:16,166
"You know what?
1473
01:03:16,240 --> 01:03:18,720
"Don't even come
home tonight.
1474
01:03:20,600 --> 01:03:23,126
"Wow!
1475
01:03:23,200 --> 01:03:26,886
"So you really not gonna
come home tonight?"
1476
01:03:28,040 --> 01:03:31,806
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
She's drawing conclusions
and answering the conclusions
1477
01:03:31,880 --> 01:03:34,406
that she drew by herself.
1478
01:03:35,080 --> 01:03:36,206
It's a sickness, ladies.
1479
01:03:36,280 --> 01:03:37,805
It's a disease.
1480
01:03:40,440 --> 01:03:43,125
First thing I do,
I haul ass into Joey's room.
1481
01:03:43,200 --> 01:03:45,328
"Joey! Wake your ass up!
1482
01:03:45,400 --> 01:03:48,165
"What the hell you
let me sleep over here
till 10:00 am for?
1483
01:03:48,240 --> 01:03:49,810
"You know damn well
I gotta be home."
1484
01:03:49,880 --> 01:03:51,450
He said, "Let me stop
you right there, Kev.
1485
01:03:51,760 --> 01:03:54,843
"First of all,
I don't know where
you have to be. Okay?
1486
01:03:54,920 --> 01:03:57,400
"What I do know,
is that I'm where
I'm supposed to be.
1487
01:03:57,520 --> 01:03:59,170
"I know that.
I know that much."
1488
01:03:59,240 --> 01:04:02,164
He said, "It sounds to me
like you need to make
better life decisions."
1489
01:04:02,240 --> 01:04:03,685
I said, "Joey,
don't start that shit.
1490
01:04:04,400 --> 01:04:05,447
"Don't start that.
1491
01:04:05,520 --> 01:04:06,885
"This is serious.
1492
01:04:06,960 --> 01:04:08,291
"It's 10:00 am!
1493
01:04:08,360 --> 01:04:09,850
"I can't just
walk in the house
1494
01:04:09,920 --> 01:04:11,763
"with nothing wrong
with me at 10:00 am.
1495
01:04:11,840 --> 01:04:13,968
"I'm not drunk,
I'm not injured.
1496
01:04:14,040 --> 01:04:17,522
"I can't stroll in
the house perfectly fine
and be like, 'Morning,'
1497
01:04:17,600 --> 01:04:21,924
"and just go to bed
like everything's all right
at fucking 10:00 am."
1498
01:04:22,000 --> 01:04:23,570
He said, "Why not?
That's your house."
1499
01:04:23,640 --> 01:04:27,201
"I don't give a fuck
whose house it is, Joey!
1500
01:04:27,280 --> 01:04:28,486
"It's the principle!"
1501
01:04:28,560 --> 01:04:29,607
I said, "Reverse it.
1502
01:04:29,680 --> 01:04:30,727
"Let's reverse it.
1503
01:04:30,800 --> 01:04:32,564
"Let's say your lady
stayed out all night.
1504
01:04:32,680 --> 01:04:34,364
"You'd been calling and
texting her all night,
1505
01:04:34,440 --> 01:04:35,851
"she ain't responded
to nothing.
1506
01:04:35,920 --> 01:04:38,161
"She just walks in
the house at 10:00 am.
1507
01:04:38,240 --> 01:04:40,402
"In your mind,
what was she doing?"
1508
01:04:41,600 --> 01:04:43,284
"Oh, that means she was
out there sucking dick,
1509
01:04:43,400 --> 01:04:45,528
"that's what that means
she was doing."
1510
01:04:45,600 --> 01:04:46,726
I said, "That's my point.
1511
01:04:46,800 --> 01:04:48,689
"That's what she's gonna
think I was doing."
1512
01:04:52,360 --> 01:04:55,967
"Your lady gonna think
you was sucking dick,
that's what you telling me?
1513
01:04:56,040 --> 01:04:59,408
"Well, you ain't
sucked no dick over here,
I'll tell you that.
1514
01:04:59,840 --> 01:05:01,410
"This ain't
the dick-sucking house,
1515
01:05:01,480 --> 01:05:03,528
"so I don't know
where you did that at."
1516
01:05:03,600 --> 01:05:06,763
"Joey, shut your dumb ass up!
Shut up!
1517
01:05:06,880 --> 01:05:08,848
"Bottom line,
I'm not going to
my house like this."
1518
01:05:08,920 --> 01:05:10,604
I said, "Joey, I got a plan.
1519
01:05:10,680 --> 01:05:11,920
"This is what I'm gonna do.
1520
01:05:12,240 --> 01:05:13,287
"Get up, get dressed.
1521
01:05:13,360 --> 01:05:15,089
"Put on the same clothes
you had on last night.
1522
01:05:15,160 --> 01:05:16,924
"We're gonna get in my car.
1523
01:05:17,000 --> 01:05:21,050
"I'm gonna run my car
into a wall, okay?
1524
01:05:21,120 --> 01:05:22,929
"That way the airbags deploy.
1525
01:05:23,000 --> 01:05:24,968
"When they deploy,
I'ma take a selfie.
1526
01:05:25,040 --> 01:05:26,121
"I'ma post it.
1527
01:05:26,200 --> 01:05:29,124
"I'ma be like, 'Fuck!
Another accident!
Shit happens.'
1528
01:05:29,640 --> 01:05:31,881
"#HospitalReady.
1529
01:05:32,880 --> 01:05:36,009
"#iLoveMyLadyTho."
1530
01:05:36,240 --> 01:05:37,241
Um...
1531
01:05:38,200 --> 01:05:40,771
"#TheDevilisALiar.
1532
01:05:41,360 --> 01:05:44,284
"#JesusTookTheWheelAgain."
1533
01:05:44,360 --> 01:05:46,567
The point that
I'm making is that
I was willing
1534
01:05:46,640 --> 01:05:48,608
to go through all
those drastic measures
1535
01:05:48,680 --> 01:05:50,569
just to avoid
telling the truth.
1536
01:05:50,640 --> 01:05:53,325
The truth is,
I was playing ping-pong.
1537
01:05:53,400 --> 01:05:56,370
But if I walk in
the house at 10:00 am,
1538
01:05:56,440 --> 01:05:58,761
as soon
as I walk in the house,
my lady in the kitchen,
1539
01:05:58,840 --> 01:06:00,729
and she like,
"Where the fuck was
you at last night?"
1540
01:06:00,800 --> 01:06:03,485
And I go,
"I was playing ping-pong!"
1541
01:06:03,560 --> 01:06:07,963
And then her black
girlfriend pop out
and she like, "Ping-pong?
1542
01:06:09,000 --> 01:06:11,651
"Really?"
(AUDIENCE ECHOING)
1543
01:06:12,200 --> 01:06:13,964
I'm in trouble.
1544
01:06:14,040 --> 01:06:15,963
I know my lady, people.
1545
01:06:16,360 --> 01:06:17,521
I'ma tell you the worst thing
about my woman.
1546
01:06:17,600 --> 01:06:18,931
The worst thing about her
is her sense of humor.
1547
01:06:19,560 --> 01:06:22,723
After I proposed, I had to
go to Atlanta for two months.
1548
01:06:22,800 --> 01:06:25,201
I'm in Atlanta,
I'm filming a movie.
1549
01:06:25,280 --> 01:06:27,647
I get to my hotel,
I unpack my bag,
1550
01:06:27,720 --> 01:06:30,849
I find a pocket pussy
in my bag.
1551
01:06:32,240 --> 01:06:35,289
For those people here
tonight who do not know
what a pocket pussy is,
1552
01:06:35,360 --> 01:06:37,010
a pocket pussy...
1553
01:06:38,280 --> 01:06:40,806
A pocket pussy is a pussy
you put in your pocket.
1554
01:06:40,880 --> 01:06:41,927
I don't know, people.
1555
01:06:42,720 --> 01:06:43,846
It's self-explanatory.
1556
01:06:43,920 --> 01:06:46,207
I think the definition
is in the title.
1557
01:06:46,280 --> 01:06:48,282
All I know is,
I didn't put it in my bag.
1558
01:06:48,400 --> 01:06:49,561
I call her.
1559
01:06:49,640 --> 01:06:50,766
"Hey!
1560
01:06:51,280 --> 01:06:54,204
"You put this pocket
pussy in my bag?"
1561
01:06:54,320 --> 01:06:55,446
"Yes.
1562
01:06:55,520 --> 01:06:56,851
"Yes, I did."
1563
01:06:56,920 --> 01:06:58,046
"For what?"
1564
01:06:58,120 --> 01:07:00,009
"Because you're gonna
be gone for two months.
1565
01:07:00,120 --> 01:07:02,851
"If you get the urge
to do something,
I suggest you do it
1566
01:07:02,920 --> 01:07:04,922
"to that pocket pussy."
1567
01:07:05,280 --> 01:07:06,850
"Girl, get off
my phone. Bye."
1568
01:07:06,960 --> 01:07:07,882
"Bye."
1569
01:07:08,000 --> 01:07:10,526
I hang up the phone,
unpack my bag,
1570
01:07:10,600 --> 01:07:12,841
I put the pocket pussy
on the table.
1571
01:07:13,440 --> 01:07:16,728
I walk by that pocket pussy
for three days, people.
1572
01:07:16,920 --> 01:07:20,242
Each day became more difficult
than the day before.
1573
01:07:21,640 --> 01:07:24,007
Day one...
Day one, I was cool.
1574
01:07:24,200 --> 01:07:25,201
"Ha!
1575
01:07:25,280 --> 01:07:27,567
"She bought a pocket pussy,
put a pocket pussy in my bag!
1576
01:07:27,640 --> 01:07:29,847
"She crazy,
bought a pocket pussy!"
1577
01:07:31,320 --> 01:07:32,685
Day two.
1578
01:07:32,760 --> 01:07:33,886
"Let me read the package.
1579
01:07:33,960 --> 01:07:34,961
"What does it say?
1580
01:07:35,040 --> 01:07:36,121
"Like, what is it?"
1581
01:07:37,800 --> 01:07:39,040
Day three.
1582
01:07:39,120 --> 01:07:40,724
"I'ma open it
'cause I wanna smell it.
1583
01:07:40,800 --> 01:07:41,881
"Is it real?
1584
01:07:41,960 --> 01:07:43,485
"Like, what is it?"
1585
01:07:44,360 --> 01:07:46,806
Day four was
the saddest day
of my life.
1586
01:07:47,000 --> 01:07:49,606
Day four was the day
that I decided to fuck
the pocket pussy.
1587
01:07:49,680 --> 01:07:52,001
Let me tell you
when it got bad.
1588
01:07:52,080 --> 01:07:54,560
It didn't get bad
until I caught a reflection
1589
01:07:54,640 --> 01:07:57,325
of what I was doing
in the mirror.
1590
01:07:57,960 --> 01:08:00,122
I was going to work
on this pocket pussy,
people.
1591
01:08:00,200 --> 01:08:01,406
I swear to God.
1592
01:08:01,480 --> 01:08:04,609
I was butt-ass naked,
sweating, talking shit.
1593
01:08:04,960 --> 01:08:07,406
"You think I'm just gonna
walk by you every day?
1594
01:08:07,520 --> 01:08:08,851
"That's what you think?
1595
01:08:08,920 --> 01:08:10,251
"You asked for this.
1596
01:08:10,320 --> 01:08:12,288
"You wanted this
just as much as I did."
1597
01:08:13,520 --> 01:08:16,091
I was so disappointed
in myself.
1598
01:08:16,160 --> 01:08:18,686
Let me tell you,
here's why I was mad.
1599
01:08:18,760 --> 01:08:22,401
I was mad at the fact
that they make contraptions
for men.
1600
01:08:22,480 --> 01:08:25,927
Like, fellas,
if we wanna use something
to please ourselves sexually,
1601
01:08:26,000 --> 01:08:27,525
we look like creeps.
1602
01:08:27,600 --> 01:08:28,761
Perverts.
1603
01:08:28,840 --> 01:08:30,126
Women, you got it made.
1604
01:08:30,640 --> 01:08:32,290
You got cute shit.
1605
01:08:32,360 --> 01:08:34,249
You got the bullet.
1606
01:08:34,320 --> 01:08:35,401
The bullet is this big.
1607
01:08:35,480 --> 01:08:36,970
You can fit it in
your coin purse.
1608
01:08:37,040 --> 01:08:38,963
Use it at your desk at work.
1609
01:08:39,040 --> 01:08:40,041
(MAKES BUZZING NOISE)
1610
01:08:40,120 --> 01:08:41,963
(MOANING)
1611
01:08:43,800 --> 01:08:44,801
(MAKES BUZZING NOISE)
1612
01:08:44,880 --> 01:08:46,723
(MOANING)
1613
01:08:57,200 --> 01:08:59,123
"You all right, Carol?"
"I am now."
1614
01:08:59,200 --> 01:09:00,565
"What the fuck
happened to you?"
1615
01:09:03,480 --> 01:09:04,811
It's not the same for men.
1616
01:09:04,880 --> 01:09:07,008
I've been to the sex store.
1617
01:09:07,120 --> 01:09:09,726
The shit that I saw,
it disgusted me.
1618
01:09:10,240 --> 01:09:11,685
The pocket mouth.
1619
01:09:11,760 --> 01:09:13,000
The pocket ass.
1620
01:09:13,080 --> 01:09:14,411
The pocket titties.
1621
01:09:14,680 --> 01:09:15,966
I was disgusted.
1622
01:09:16,040 --> 01:09:19,044
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
1623
01:09:21,520 --> 01:09:22,760
I bought all of it.
1624
01:09:22,840 --> 01:09:24,001
I did.
1625
01:09:24,600 --> 01:09:26,125
No, I know. I know.
1626
01:09:26,200 --> 01:09:27,690
That's one of
the longest walks
1627
01:09:27,760 --> 01:09:29,410
I've ever taken back
to my car in my life.
1628
01:09:29,920 --> 01:09:33,367
When they give you
that pitch-black
pervert plastic bag,
1629
01:09:36,160 --> 01:09:38,527
you're trying
to look normal.
1630
01:09:38,600 --> 01:09:40,090
(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)
1631
01:09:43,600 --> 01:09:45,045
You look like
a fucking creep.
1632
01:09:45,120 --> 01:09:47,282
Everything about
you says "creep".
1633
01:09:47,600 --> 01:09:49,807
You're trying to speak,
1634
01:09:49,880 --> 01:09:51,325
"How you all doing?
Everybody all right?"
1635
01:09:51,400 --> 01:09:53,721
"Get your freaky ass
outta here, man!
1636
01:09:53,800 --> 01:09:56,246
"I see that
black plastic bag
full of dicks.
1637
01:09:56,320 --> 01:09:59,085
"Get your dick-in-a-bag-ass
outta here, man."
1638
01:09:59,160 --> 01:10:00,685
"Right, all right. Got you."
1639
01:10:03,160 --> 01:10:05,731
I was excited
when I got back
to my hotel.
1640
01:10:05,800 --> 01:10:07,006
I laid it all out
on the bed.
1641
01:10:07,080 --> 01:10:08,969
I was like, "All right.
1642
01:10:10,320 --> 01:10:12,561
"Who's gonna get
this dick first?"
1643
01:10:15,040 --> 01:10:16,087
I was excited.
1644
01:10:16,160 --> 01:10:18,606
I was excited
'cause I created
the perfect woman.
1645
01:10:18,680 --> 01:10:21,524
I had the black ass,
the white titties,
the Latina mouth.
1646
01:10:21,600 --> 01:10:23,568
Whoo-hoo! Oh, man.
1647
01:10:24,640 --> 01:10:29,123
It looked like somebody raped
Mrs. Potato Head and
left it all over the place.
1648
01:10:29,680 --> 01:10:30,886
(LAUGHING)
1649
01:10:32,520 --> 01:10:34,124
"I couldn't do it.
I can't do this shit.
1650
01:10:34,200 --> 01:10:35,690
"I can't use this."
1651
01:10:36,760 --> 01:10:39,445
There's only one thing
that I've ever used
for sexual enhancement.
1652
01:10:39,520 --> 01:10:40,567
One thing.
1653
01:10:40,640 --> 01:10:42,802
One thing.
I don't give a shit,
I'll tell the truth.
1654
01:10:42,880 --> 01:10:43,881
I'll be honest with you.
1655
01:10:43,960 --> 01:10:45,371
I was having
a bad week.
1656
01:10:45,440 --> 01:10:47,681
It was a bad
sex week for me.
1657
01:10:48,160 --> 01:10:50,003
I was cumming fast all week.
1658
01:10:51,000 --> 01:10:52,240
It was a premie week.
1659
01:10:52,320 --> 01:10:54,243
That's what I called it.
1660
01:10:54,320 --> 01:10:58,609
It didn't get bad until
my lady gave me that
frustration deep breath.
1661
01:10:58,760 --> 01:11:00,250
(EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE)
1662
01:11:00,920 --> 01:11:02,046
Your lady
ever give you that?
1663
01:11:02,120 --> 01:11:03,531
She roll over on you...
1664
01:11:03,880 --> 01:11:05,006
(EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE)
1665
01:11:12,400 --> 01:11:13,811
"You want me
to rub your back?
1666
01:11:13,880 --> 01:11:16,565
"You all right?
You want me to
do anything?
1667
01:11:17,320 --> 01:11:19,402
"I'm not
drinking enough water,
that's the problem.
1668
01:11:19,480 --> 01:11:21,528
"I'm not drinking
enough water.
1669
01:11:21,600 --> 01:11:22,726
"I'm dehydrated.
1670
01:11:22,840 --> 01:11:24,683
"I really think
that's the problem."
1671
01:11:25,960 --> 01:11:28,122
I've only used one thing
for sexual enhancement.
1672
01:11:28,200 --> 01:11:29,531
One thing.
1673
01:11:31,240 --> 01:11:34,801
Good thing about
me and my friends
is we fucking... We talk.
1674
01:11:34,880 --> 01:11:36,644
We confide
in one another.
1675
01:11:36,720 --> 01:11:37,767
I called Nate.
1676
01:11:37,840 --> 01:11:40,127
I said, "Nate,
I don't know what's going
on with my body, man.
1677
01:11:40,200 --> 01:11:41,804
"I've been cumming
fast all week, dude.
1678
01:11:41,880 --> 01:11:43,166
"Is this
a medical issue?
1679
01:11:43,240 --> 01:11:45,607
"Like, really,
do I need to go
to the doctor?
1680
01:11:45,680 --> 01:11:47,682
"Is my blood level low?
Do I need a pill?"
1681
01:11:47,760 --> 01:11:50,127
He said, "Shut your ass up.
You're a man.
1682
01:11:50,240 --> 01:11:51,651
"Happens to
the best of us."
1683
01:11:51,720 --> 01:11:54,724
He said, "If you
wanna fix this right away,
I've got this numbing cream.
1684
01:11:54,800 --> 01:11:57,007
"You put the numbing cream
on your shit before you do it,
1685
01:11:57,080 --> 01:11:58,320
"it'll numb you up,
you'll last forever."
1686
01:11:58,400 --> 01:12:00,926
I said, "Nate,
I need that tonight."
1687
01:12:02,080 --> 01:12:03,127
True story.
1688
01:12:03,200 --> 01:12:06,647
I go to Nate's house,
he gives me the cream,
I put it on at his house.
1689
01:12:06,720 --> 01:12:09,121
I call my lady,
I start talking shit.
1690
01:12:09,200 --> 01:12:10,884
"Hey, you've been
running your mouth
all week.
1691
01:12:10,960 --> 01:12:12,325
"As soon as I get home,
1692
01:12:12,400 --> 01:12:16,007
"Operation
Put-A-Hole-In-Your-Back
is in session.
1693
01:12:17,080 --> 01:12:18,605
"As soon as I get home."
1694
01:12:18,680 --> 01:12:20,648
"Whatever, whatever."
"Ain't no whatever.
1695
01:12:20,720 --> 01:12:23,690
"Hole-In-Your-Back as
soon as I get home."
1696
01:12:23,760 --> 01:12:25,489
I get home,
we go at it.
1697
01:12:25,560 --> 01:12:27,369
She stops me,
she starts giving me head.
1698
01:12:27,600 --> 01:12:28,601
(MAKES SUCKING NOISE)
1699
01:12:28,680 --> 01:12:29,681
I stop her.
1700
01:12:29,760 --> 01:12:30,841
We start doing it again.
1701
01:12:30,920 --> 01:12:31,921
I'm talking shit.
1702
01:12:32,080 --> 01:12:33,161
Uh-huh.
1703
01:12:34,280 --> 01:12:35,645
Uh-huh!
1704
01:12:36,520 --> 01:12:37,965
"You did this!
1705
01:12:38,440 --> 01:12:40,442
"You did this
to yourself!
1706
01:12:41,120 --> 01:12:44,044
"Look at you sitting there,
looking all stupid.
1707
01:12:44,120 --> 01:12:46,407
"With that dumb-ass
goddamn look on your face.
1708
01:12:46,480 --> 01:12:48,244
"Can't say shit now.
1709
01:12:48,960 --> 01:12:50,371
"Say something!
1710
01:12:51,160 --> 01:12:52,685
"Say something!
1711
01:12:53,800 --> 01:12:55,290
"Say something!
1712
01:12:56,120 --> 01:12:57,645
"Say something!
1713
01:12:58,760 --> 01:13:00,250
"Say something!
1714
01:13:01,240 --> 01:13:02,844
"Say something!"
1715
01:13:03,720 --> 01:13:05,051
She said,
1716
01:13:07,120 --> 01:13:08,724
(IN SQUEAKY FEMALE VOICE)
"I can't feel my mouth."
1717
01:13:08,800 --> 01:13:10,404
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
I said, "What?"
1718
01:13:11,280 --> 01:13:12,884
She said,
"My mouth feels numb.
1719
01:13:12,960 --> 01:13:15,042
"I can't feel my mouth."
1720
01:13:15,160 --> 01:13:18,164
I look down, slobber
and shit coming out
the side of her mouth.
1721
01:13:19,640 --> 01:13:23,008
It dawned on me
she done sucked all
the numbing cream off.
1722
01:13:23,360 --> 01:13:24,930
But as a man,
you can't tell
on yourself.
1723
01:13:25,000 --> 01:13:26,923
You gotta take
this to the grave.
1724
01:13:27,000 --> 01:13:28,604
So I just made
some shit up.
1725
01:13:28,680 --> 01:13:30,489
I said,
"You must be allergic
to these pillowcases.
1726
01:13:30,560 --> 01:13:32,528
"These are
new pillowcases."
1727
01:13:33,320 --> 01:13:35,926
She's like, "I know."
She said,
1728
01:13:36,000 --> 01:13:38,480
"I know, I'm gonna
throw them in the trash."
1729
01:13:38,600 --> 01:13:39,840
I said, "Yeah.
1730
01:13:39,920 --> 01:13:41,888
"We gotta get rid of these."
1731
01:13:42,560 --> 01:13:44,608
This is what almost
made me shit on myself.
1732
01:13:44,680 --> 01:13:45,841
She said...
1733
01:13:45,920 --> 01:13:47,001
She said,
1734
01:13:55,000 --> 01:13:57,207
"I don't feel pretty."
1735
01:13:58,160 --> 01:13:59,764
"You don't look it right now.
1736
01:13:59,840 --> 01:14:00,921
"This is fucked up.
1737
01:14:01,040 --> 01:14:02,929
"This is bad for everybody.
1738
01:14:03,040 --> 01:14:04,121
"You over here with
that permanent
1739
01:14:04,200 --> 01:14:05,611
"going-down-on-
the-roller-coaster face."
1740
01:14:05,680 --> 01:14:07,489
This is fucked up.
1741
01:14:09,200 --> 01:14:11,646
"Oh, no. Oh, no."
1742
01:14:14,960 --> 01:14:17,122
I let, like, a week go by,
then I told her.
1743
01:14:17,200 --> 01:14:18,884
I told her
what happened.
1744
01:14:18,960 --> 01:14:20,450
I didn't give a shit.
1745
01:14:20,560 --> 01:14:21,971
I told you guys,
I'm 36.
1746
01:14:22,040 --> 01:14:25,044
36 is the perfect age
to stop giving a shit.
1747
01:14:25,880 --> 01:14:28,486
The shit that
I used to care about,
I don't care about anymore.
1748
01:14:28,560 --> 01:14:30,210
Like when I wear
white underwear.
1749
01:14:30,280 --> 01:14:31,645
Now, I don't care
about wearing 'em.
1750
01:14:31,720 --> 01:14:34,690
Back then, if I had, like,
shit stains in my drawers,
1751
01:14:35,040 --> 01:14:37,202
I would try to get my drawers
before she saw them.
1752
01:14:37,280 --> 01:14:38,805
Get 'em out of the house.
1753
01:14:38,880 --> 01:14:40,803
Get in my car,
drive, cut 'em up,
1754
01:14:40,880 --> 01:14:43,087
throw 'em out at
different exits.
1755
01:14:43,560 --> 01:14:46,006
"She ain't never
gonna find these.
1756
01:14:46,280 --> 01:14:48,328
"CSI couldn't find these."
1757
01:14:49,480 --> 01:14:54,805
Why do women love to argue
about obvious shit?
1758
01:14:54,880 --> 01:14:56,166
Like, she found
a pair of my drawers
1759
01:14:56,240 --> 01:14:57,890
with shit stains
in them one time,
1760
01:14:57,960 --> 01:14:59,086
she confronted me.
1761
01:14:59,160 --> 01:15:00,400
"Uh, excuse me.
1762
01:15:00,480 --> 01:15:02,084
"What is this?"
1763
01:15:03,200 --> 01:15:04,247
"Bitch, it's shit.
1764
01:15:04,320 --> 01:15:06,129
"What do you think it is?
It's shit.
1765
01:15:07,000 --> 01:15:09,401
"It's perfectly placed
in the crack of my ass.
1766
01:15:09,480 --> 01:15:11,369
"What else would it be?
1767
01:15:11,440 --> 01:15:13,727
"What,
you think I got a Sharpie
and I'm fucking with you?
1768
01:15:13,800 --> 01:15:15,643
"You think I got
a brown Sharpie,
1769
01:15:15,720 --> 01:15:17,529
"and I'm like, 'She's gonna
think this is shit?'
1770
01:15:17,600 --> 01:15:19,602
"Smell it,
it smells like shit."
1771
01:15:21,920 --> 01:15:23,809
I got mad 'cause I
knew where I hid them.
1772
01:15:23,880 --> 01:15:25,120
So I tried to flip it.
1773
01:15:25,200 --> 01:15:28,443
I was like,
"What the fuck you doing
behind the dresser?
1774
01:15:28,520 --> 01:15:30,522
"I hid those
behind the dresser!"
1775
01:15:32,240 --> 01:15:34,720
Shit that I used to
care about, I don't care.
1776
01:15:34,840 --> 01:15:39,164
I don't care about
not giving a shit
as long as I don't go crazy.
1777
01:15:39,240 --> 01:15:41,163
I don't wanna become crazy.
1778
01:15:41,240 --> 01:15:42,765
I respect crazy
people too much.
1779
01:15:42,840 --> 01:15:43,887
The reason why,
1780
01:15:43,960 --> 01:15:47,885
I've had too many situations
with real-life crazy people.
1781
01:15:47,960 --> 01:15:51,009
I'ma tell you,
the craziest situation
I've ever been in,
1782
01:15:51,280 --> 01:15:53,886
one night, I'm drunk.
I'm hungry.
1783
01:15:53,960 --> 01:15:56,201
Everything's closed,
so I stop at a gas station.
1784
01:15:56,320 --> 01:15:57,890
I go to the gas station
and it's crowded.
1785
01:15:57,960 --> 01:15:59,530
There's like
13 people in line.
1786
01:15:59,600 --> 01:16:01,967
I want my chips
and snacks that bad
1787
01:16:02,040 --> 01:16:03,883
that I'm willing
to wait in line.
1788
01:16:03,960 --> 01:16:05,530
I decide to
open up my chips.
1789
01:16:05,600 --> 01:16:07,728
I start eating them
while I'm in line.
1790
01:16:07,880 --> 01:16:10,531
Out of nowhere,
the guy in front
of me snaps.
1791
01:16:10,600 --> 01:16:12,489
"Sick of this shit!
1792
01:16:13,280 --> 01:16:15,362
"Bitch on the register
all fucking slow!
1793
01:16:15,440 --> 01:16:16,805
"I bet you'll speed it up
1794
01:16:16,880 --> 01:16:20,487
"when I start shooting
these motherfuckers
in the head!"
1795
01:16:26,400 --> 01:16:28,164
When I turned back around,
we locked eyes.
1796
01:16:28,240 --> 01:16:30,288
We're looking
at each other.
1797
01:16:30,360 --> 01:16:34,843
I panicked, I was like,
"You took the words right
outta my goddamn mouth!
1798
01:16:34,920 --> 01:16:36,922
"I was about to
say the same shit!"
1799
01:16:37,000 --> 01:16:39,082
He said, "Yeah, 'cause me
and you brothers, that's why.
1800
01:16:39,160 --> 01:16:40,605
"Don't worry,
I got this one.
1801
01:16:40,680 --> 01:16:42,409
"You get the next one.
You can leave."
1802
01:16:42,480 --> 01:16:43,481
I said, "Thank you."
1803
01:16:43,560 --> 01:16:45,483
I left real fast.
I didn't say shit.
1804
01:16:45,560 --> 01:16:47,244
I just walked out.
1805
01:16:48,080 --> 01:16:49,286
Let me tell you something.
1806
01:16:49,360 --> 01:16:52,409
One of the most
uncomfortable moments
in my life was the day
1807
01:16:52,480 --> 01:16:53,925
that I had to
walk by 13 people
1808
01:16:54,000 --> 01:16:56,128
that have just been told
that they was about to die
1809
01:16:56,200 --> 01:16:58,202
when I got chose to live.
1810
01:16:58,280 --> 01:16:59,327
The reason why I was mad
1811
01:16:59,400 --> 01:17:01,050
was 'cause they kept staring
at me on my way out.
1812
01:17:01,120 --> 01:17:02,281
I was like, "What?
1813
01:17:03,720 --> 01:17:04,801
"He chose me.
1814
01:17:04,880 --> 01:17:06,882
"What do you want
from me?"
1815
01:17:06,960 --> 01:17:08,689
This one lady was like,
"Call the cops."
1816
01:17:08,760 --> 01:17:09,807
I was like, "I can't.
1817
01:17:09,880 --> 01:17:10,847
"My phone's dead.
1818
01:17:10,920 --> 01:17:12,922
"Just like you."
1819
01:17:13,000 --> 01:17:14,047
And I walked out.
1820
01:17:14,120 --> 01:17:15,121
I was like this.
1821
01:17:16,760 --> 01:17:18,967
I was just happy
to be alive.
1822
01:17:19,680 --> 01:17:21,648
I got stories
like that for days.
1823
01:17:21,720 --> 01:17:25,167
I can give you guys, by far,
1824
01:17:25,480 --> 01:17:30,327
this is probably
my most uncomfortable
moment in life by far.
1825
01:17:31,720 --> 01:17:33,165
I'm at the airport.
1826
01:17:33,240 --> 01:17:34,810
I just landed.
1827
01:17:34,920 --> 01:17:36,365
I'm on my way
to baggage claim.
1828
01:17:36,440 --> 01:17:38,283
While I'm walking
to baggage claim,
1829
01:17:38,360 --> 01:17:41,569
out of nowhere,
my stomach tells my ass
that I gotta shit right now.
1830
01:17:42,200 --> 01:17:43,964
I've never felt
anything like this
in my life.
1831
01:17:44,040 --> 01:17:46,008
I had to shut
my body down.
1832
01:17:46,080 --> 01:17:48,447
Don't nobody
know what's going on
except me and my ass.
1833
01:17:48,520 --> 01:17:50,124
I had to lock my ass up.
1834
01:17:50,200 --> 01:17:52,009
That's when you
just get tight ass.
1835
01:17:52,080 --> 01:17:54,560
I'm having
a conversation
with my ass.
1836
01:17:54,640 --> 01:17:56,210
"Come on, man.
1837
01:17:56,280 --> 01:17:58,681
"You really gonna do
this shit right now?"
1838
01:17:58,760 --> 01:18:01,445
My ass was like,
"Yup, right now."
1839
01:18:01,520 --> 01:18:04,046
"You can't wait 20 minutes
till I get back to the house?"
1840
01:18:04,120 --> 01:18:05,645
"Nope, you got 20 seconds.
1841
01:18:05,720 --> 01:18:06,846
"Clock starts now.
1842
01:18:07,480 --> 01:18:12,361
"19, 18, 17, 16, 15..."
1843
01:18:12,440 --> 01:18:14,124
I say, "You got
to be shitting me."
1844
01:18:14,200 --> 01:18:15,690
He said,
"I'm not, but I will."
1845
01:18:15,760 --> 01:18:17,967
"Okay, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Wait. Wait!"
1846
01:18:19,280 --> 01:18:20,850
I don't wanna go
to the bathroom
at the airport,
1847
01:18:20,920 --> 01:18:22,524
but I don't have
a choice.
1848
01:18:22,600 --> 01:18:24,602
The reason why I don't
wanna go to the bathroom
at the airport
1849
01:18:24,720 --> 01:18:26,210
is because I don't want
people taking pictures of me
1850
01:18:26,280 --> 01:18:28,965
going to the bathroom
and coming out, posting it.
1851
01:18:29,240 --> 01:18:30,969
#KevinHartStinkybutt.
1852
01:18:31,040 --> 01:18:32,166
People play too much.
1853
01:18:32,240 --> 01:18:33,924
Social media shit
has gotten out of hand.
1854
01:18:35,560 --> 01:18:37,483
But I can't hold it,
I have to go.
1855
01:18:37,920 --> 01:18:41,367
I make the decision to use
the bathroom at the airport.
1856
01:18:41,440 --> 01:18:43,807
I'm in
the bathroom stall, right?
1857
01:18:45,240 --> 01:18:48,528
Once again, people,
you cannot make
shit like this up.
1858
01:18:48,640 --> 01:18:50,165
(TOILET FLUSHING)
1859
01:18:50,680 --> 01:18:53,126
This is what it
looks like, people.
1860
01:18:53,200 --> 01:18:55,248
No, I'm for real,
this is a life-size photo.
1861
01:18:55,320 --> 01:18:56,481
This is really
what it looks like.
1862
01:18:56,560 --> 01:18:58,483
This is how small I am
on an actual toilet.
1863
01:19:01,440 --> 01:19:03,204
I'm in the bathroom.
1864
01:19:03,280 --> 01:19:04,770
It's 6:30 in the morning.
1865
01:19:04,840 --> 01:19:06,330
I'm by myself.
1866
01:19:07,240 --> 01:19:08,571
By myself.
1867
01:19:09,040 --> 01:19:10,405
It's quiet.
1868
01:19:11,080 --> 01:19:12,241
It's just like this.
1869
01:19:12,320 --> 01:19:13,481
Quiet.
1870
01:19:14,000 --> 01:19:16,651
This is what I hear
outta nowhere.
1871
01:19:19,320 --> 01:19:21,243
"Yo, Kev Hart,
how long you gonna be, man?
1872
01:19:21,360 --> 01:19:23,010
"I wanna get a picture
with you when you come out."
1873
01:19:24,320 --> 01:19:25,606
Immediately I put my feet up.
1874
01:19:25,680 --> 01:19:27,523
I did this right here.
1875
01:19:28,440 --> 01:19:30,886
I said, if he can't see
my feet, he'll go away.
1876
01:19:30,960 --> 01:19:32,291
He's like, "Come on, man,
I saw your feet already.
1877
01:19:32,360 --> 01:19:33,361
"I know you're in there.
1878
01:19:33,440 --> 01:19:34,441
"Just gimme a timeframe.
1879
01:19:34,520 --> 01:19:35,521
"How long you gonna be?"
1880
01:19:52,240 --> 01:19:55,722
"Gimme like 15,
20 minutes, man."
1881
01:19:56,000 --> 01:19:57,001
"Come on, man,
that's too long.
1882
01:19:57,080 --> 01:19:59,003
"My flight leaves in like 10 minutes.
Just pinch it.
1883
01:19:59,080 --> 01:20:00,650
"Pinch it off for me."
"What the fuck?
1884
01:20:00,720 --> 01:20:02,484
"What? No, man.
1885
01:20:02,560 --> 01:20:03,641
"Ain't nobody's pinching nothing, man.
1886
01:20:03,720 --> 01:20:04,721
"Just get outta here."
1887
01:20:04,800 --> 01:20:06,290
"Kev, don't do me like that.
1888
01:20:06,360 --> 01:20:07,771
"I'm your biggest fan, man.
1889
01:20:07,840 --> 01:20:08,966
"I support everything you do.
1890
01:20:09,040 --> 01:20:10,405
"What would you do if you was me?"
1891
01:20:10,480 --> 01:20:11,891
"I would let me shit by myself, man.
1892
01:20:11,960 --> 01:20:12,961
"Just get outta here."
1893
01:20:13,040 --> 01:20:14,201
He said, "Kev, come on.
1894
01:20:14,280 --> 01:20:15,281
"You know what?
1895
01:20:15,360 --> 01:20:17,169
"This is what I'ma do,
I'ma get my picture real quick.
1896
01:20:17,240 --> 01:20:19,402
"I'm just gonna put
my phone over the stall,
1897
01:20:19,480 --> 01:20:21,323
"I'ma snap a picture real quick."
1898
01:20:21,400 --> 01:20:23,926
The fear that went through my body
1899
01:20:25,280 --> 01:20:28,045
of looking up and seeing a camera flash.
1900
01:20:28,560 --> 01:20:32,329
Oh, my God, I was scared because
I didn't put toilet paper on the toilet seat.
1901
01:20:32,400 --> 01:20:33,401
I didn't have time.
1902
01:20:34,400 --> 01:20:37,444
I didn't want that picture to get out
'cause I didn't want my fan base to know
1903
01:20:37,560 --> 01:20:39,562
that I be raw-butting
these toilet seats sometimes.
1904
01:20:43,040 --> 01:20:44,963
I said y'all gonna
lose respect for me
1905
01:20:45,040 --> 01:20:48,283
if you find out
that I be raw-butting
these toilet seats.
1906
01:20:50,280 --> 01:20:51,964
Listen, the reason
why I had to go
1907
01:20:52,040 --> 01:20:53,724
to the bathroom was
because I drank coffee.
1908
01:20:53,800 --> 01:20:55,165
I don't drink coffee.
1909
01:20:55,240 --> 01:20:57,004
My lady drinks coffee.
1910
01:20:57,120 --> 01:20:58,485
She had a vanilla latte,
I tasted it.
1911
01:20:58,560 --> 01:21:00,767
I said, "God damn, babe.
That's good.
What is that?"
1912
01:21:00,840 --> 01:21:02,080
She said,
"A vanilla latte."
1913
01:21:02,160 --> 01:21:03,446
I said, "Yo,
I'm gonna get me one.
1914
01:21:03,520 --> 01:21:05,329
"Where'd you get it from?"
She said, "Starbucks."
1915
01:21:05,400 --> 01:21:06,765
I said, "I'm going."
She said, "Babe,
1916
01:21:06,880 --> 01:21:08,689
"I should go with you
'cause you've never been."
1917
01:21:08,800 --> 01:21:10,165
"Girl, shut up. I'm grown,
1918
01:21:10,240 --> 01:21:11,446
"I'ma go by myself."
1919
01:21:11,520 --> 01:21:12,521
"No, babe, I'm serious.
1920
01:21:12,600 --> 01:21:14,409
"You don't know
how it works there.
Let me go with you."
1921
01:21:14,480 --> 01:21:16,209
"Girl, shut up.
I'm fine."
1922
01:21:16,280 --> 01:21:19,011
I get in the car,
I drive to Starbucks.
1923
01:21:19,080 --> 01:21:22,209
She keeps calling me
while I'm on
the way to Starbucks.
1924
01:21:22,280 --> 01:21:23,884
"You get there yet?"
"You okay?"
1925
01:21:23,960 --> 01:21:24,961
"You need my help?"
1926
01:21:25,040 --> 01:21:26,485
Now I'm getting nervous.
1927
01:21:26,560 --> 01:21:27,561
Like, what the fuck
is this place?
1928
01:21:27,640 --> 01:21:28,641
I'm really getting nervous.
1929
01:21:29,680 --> 01:21:32,650
I get to Starbucks,
I've never seen
anything like it.
1930
01:21:32,720 --> 01:21:35,291
I open the door,
it's mayhem.
1931
01:21:35,360 --> 01:21:36,885
All I hear is noise.
1932
01:21:36,960 --> 01:21:38,121
"Gimme the frappe whap.
1933
01:21:38,200 --> 01:21:39,247
"Frappe whap.
1934
01:21:39,320 --> 01:21:40,890
"Frappe what,
frapped lat.
1935
01:21:41,000 --> 01:21:42,365
"Frappe whap, fat lat."
1936
01:21:42,440 --> 01:21:43,965
I've never seen
anything like it.
1937
01:21:44,040 --> 01:21:45,769
I'm scared.
I'm in line.
1938
01:21:45,840 --> 01:21:47,649
I don't even know
how I got in line,
but I'm there.
1939
01:21:47,720 --> 01:21:49,210
I'm like, in the middle.
1940
01:21:49,280 --> 01:21:51,328
I'm trying to fit in,
but I know I don't.
1941
01:21:51,400 --> 01:21:52,447
I'm sweating.
1942
01:21:52,520 --> 01:21:53,760
I'm next.
1943
01:21:54,000 --> 01:21:55,525
Here's what
I don't like.
1944
01:21:55,600 --> 01:21:57,728
I don't like
the pressure
that the barista
1945
01:21:57,800 --> 01:21:59,689
put on me for not
knowing the lingo.
1946
01:21:59,760 --> 01:22:02,127
It's my first time ever
going to Starbucks, people.
1947
01:22:02,200 --> 01:22:03,725
My first time.
1948
01:22:03,800 --> 01:22:05,768
I'm like,
"Good morning.
1949
01:22:05,840 --> 01:22:06,841
"Um...
1950
01:22:07,480 --> 01:22:09,642
"It's crowded, right? Shit.
1951
01:22:10,600 --> 01:22:13,171
"Um, what do I want?
1952
01:22:15,400 --> 01:22:16,606
"Let me get a...
1953
01:22:16,680 --> 01:22:19,650
"Let me get
a vanilla lattet."
1954
01:22:21,840 --> 01:22:24,650
"I'm sorry, sir,
what'd you say?"
1955
01:22:26,120 --> 01:22:27,360
"Is it...
1956
01:22:28,160 --> 01:22:30,447
"Lemme get
a vanilla latex.
1957
01:22:30,520 --> 01:22:32,522
"Lattet.
Let me get that."
1958
01:22:33,280 --> 01:22:36,124
"You mean latte?"
"Yes, that's what I mean.
1959
01:22:36,200 --> 01:22:38,487
"Let me get
a small vanilla latte."
1960
01:22:38,560 --> 01:22:41,006
"Okay, sir, that's
one tall vanilla latte."
1961
01:22:41,080 --> 01:22:42,764
"No. That's not
what I want.
1962
01:22:42,840 --> 01:22:45,161
"I don't want a tall,
I want a small."
1963
01:22:45,240 --> 01:22:46,969
"Sir, a tall is a small."
1964
01:22:47,040 --> 01:22:48,121
"No, it's not.
1965
01:22:48,200 --> 01:22:50,009
"If that's the case,
I would be tall.
1966
01:22:50,080 --> 01:22:52,765
"Tall is tall,
a small is small."
1967
01:22:53,000 --> 01:22:54,650
You know what,
I don't wanna cause a rut.
1968
01:22:54,720 --> 01:22:57,326
"Whatever your
version of a small is,
lemme get that."
1969
01:22:57,400 --> 01:22:58,447
"How would you
like that, sir?
1970
01:22:58,520 --> 01:22:59,726
"Would you like
that iced or hot?"
1971
01:23:01,640 --> 01:23:02,846
Fuck is going on, man?
1972
01:23:02,920 --> 01:23:04,365
What you talking about?
1973
01:23:04,440 --> 01:23:07,205
Like, when I get nervous,
I just repeat shit.
1974
01:23:07,400 --> 01:23:09,767
"Would I like it
iced or hot?
1975
01:23:11,560 --> 01:23:14,040
"Would I like it
iced or hot?
1976
01:23:14,920 --> 01:23:16,160
"Fuck. Um...
1977
01:23:17,480 --> 01:23:18,527
"Shit.
1978
01:23:19,160 --> 01:23:20,491
"How would you get it?"
1979
01:23:20,560 --> 01:23:23,131
The lady behind me
was like, "Mmm."
1980
01:23:23,200 --> 01:23:24,406
She only had one shoulder.
1981
01:23:24,520 --> 01:23:26,090
I stopped talking
to her immediately.
1982
01:23:27,520 --> 01:23:29,090
I said, "Let me get it iced."
1983
01:23:29,160 --> 01:23:31,003
She said, "What'd you say?"
I said, "Hot.
1984
01:23:31,080 --> 01:23:32,081
"Hot ice. Icy hot.
1985
01:23:32,160 --> 01:23:33,161
"Put it together like that.
1986
01:23:33,240 --> 01:23:35,527
"That's how I want it.
That's how I drink it."
1987
01:23:35,840 --> 01:23:38,844
"Sir, would you like
it whipped or blended?"
1988
01:23:42,960 --> 01:23:47,045
(SINGSONG) "Would I like
it whipped or blended?
1989
01:23:47,760 --> 01:23:48,966
"Shit.
1990
01:23:50,480 --> 01:23:51,527
"Fuck.
1991
01:23:51,600 --> 01:23:54,206
"Would I like it
whipped or blended?
1992
01:23:54,640 --> 01:23:56,005
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
"You know what, whip it.
1993
01:23:56,600 --> 01:23:59,604
"Whip it, whip it real good.
Just do that."
1994
01:24:01,000 --> 01:24:04,209
"Sir, for $2 more,
do you wanna
make it a skinny?"
1995
01:24:08,800 --> 01:24:10,882
"Well,
you know, I ain't trying
to leave with the fat bitch.
1996
01:24:10,960 --> 01:24:13,088
"Do what you gotta do, man."
1997
01:24:15,040 --> 01:24:16,929
"Sir, what kind of milk
would you like?
1998
01:24:17,000 --> 01:24:19,606
"Would you like
whole milk, skim milk,
2%, soy?"
1999
01:24:20,960 --> 01:24:22,883
"I didn't even know
there was that
many milks, man.
2000
01:24:22,960 --> 01:24:24,405
"Fuck. Shit.
2001
01:24:24,480 --> 01:24:25,720
"What, you all
got the heat on?
2002
01:24:25,800 --> 01:24:28,007
"God damn,
my fucking ass
is sweating.
2003
01:24:28,080 --> 01:24:29,684
"Can you back up?
2004
01:24:29,760 --> 01:24:31,410
"God damn, back up!
2005
01:24:32,320 --> 01:24:34,402
"You don't see
I'm trying to
take this test?
2006
01:24:34,480 --> 01:24:35,606
"Shit.
2007
01:24:37,160 --> 01:24:38,969
"How many? You say
there's four milks?
2008
01:24:39,040 --> 01:24:40,041
"Fuck.
2009
01:24:40,120 --> 01:24:42,168
"Put them all in there.
Give me every milk you've got.
2010
01:24:42,240 --> 01:24:45,642
"I want every
goddamn milk you got.
Put it in there."
2011
01:24:46,440 --> 01:24:50,240
"Sir, would you like
to cut it with caramel,
put cinnamon on top?"
2012
01:24:53,160 --> 01:24:55,208
"You know what?
I just want to cancel it.
2013
01:24:55,280 --> 01:24:57,806
"I don't even know
what I have at this point.
2014
01:24:57,880 --> 01:24:59,962
"Am I getting a latte
or am I baking a fucking cake?
2015
01:25:00,040 --> 01:25:01,041
"Just let me...
2016
01:25:01,120 --> 01:25:02,281
"Let me get a banana.
2017
01:25:02,360 --> 01:25:04,169
"Can I get that banana?
2018
01:25:04,240 --> 01:25:05,321
"Just put some
water in my hand
2019
01:25:05,400 --> 01:25:07,084
"so I can put it on
my face real quick."
2020
01:25:07,160 --> 01:25:08,764
"You want that water
to be hot or cold?"
2021
01:25:08,840 --> 01:25:10,205
"What the fuck is
your problem, man?
2022
01:25:10,880 --> 01:25:12,609
"God damn!
Will you back up?
2023
01:25:12,680 --> 01:25:14,091
"Back up!
2024
01:25:14,160 --> 01:25:15,286
"Shit!
2025
01:25:15,360 --> 01:25:16,771
"Relax, bend your knees."
2026
01:25:17,520 --> 01:25:20,808
"I can't bend my knees
because I got attacked
by an orangutan."
2027
01:25:22,000 --> 01:25:23,126
The black girl popped out.
2028
01:25:23,200 --> 01:25:25,202
"Orangutan?
2029
01:25:25,640 --> 01:25:27,881
"Really?"
(AUDIENCE ECHOING)
2030
01:25:28,680 --> 01:25:30,284
I'm gonna be
honest with y'all.
2031
01:25:30,360 --> 01:25:32,488
I don't like people that
drink Starbucks coffee.
2032
01:25:32,560 --> 01:25:33,527
I really don't.
2033
01:25:33,600 --> 01:25:35,682
Matter of fact, if you're
a real Starbucks drinker
2034
01:25:35,760 --> 01:25:37,091
and you're here tonight,
make some noise.
2035
01:25:37,160 --> 01:25:38,400
If you're a real
Starbucks drinker.
2036
01:25:38,480 --> 01:25:40,050
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
2037
01:25:40,120 --> 01:25:42,851
Okay, all of y'all
can suck my balls.
2038
01:25:42,920 --> 01:25:45,810
I wanted you all to know
who I was talking to.
2039
01:25:46,240 --> 01:25:48,288
Here's my question.
2040
01:25:48,960 --> 01:25:51,440
Who the fuck do
you think you are?
2041
01:25:51,520 --> 01:25:52,726
Like,
2042
01:25:53,120 --> 01:25:55,248
do you hear
what you order?
2043
01:25:55,320 --> 01:25:58,210
Do you hear what
you're asking people
to bring you back?
2044
01:25:58,280 --> 01:26:00,931
Have you ever made
an innocent Starbucks run
for somebody?
2045
01:26:01,000 --> 01:26:03,082
You don't even drink it,
you're just being nice.
2046
01:26:03,160 --> 01:26:06,004
"Hey, man, I'm going
to Starbucks real quick.
I'ma get a bottle of water.
2047
01:26:06,080 --> 01:26:07,286
"Somebody want something?"
2048
01:26:07,360 --> 01:26:08,441
It's always one guy.
2049
01:26:08,520 --> 01:26:11,842
You can tell he
drinks way too much coffee
'cause he got too much energy.
2050
01:26:11,920 --> 01:26:12,921
(GRUNTS)
2051
01:26:14,800 --> 01:26:17,531
"Hey! Yay!
Hey-yay-yay!
2052
01:26:17,600 --> 01:26:18,681
"You going to Starbucks?
2053
01:26:18,760 --> 01:26:20,364
"You going to Starbucks?
You going to Bucky's?
2054
01:26:20,440 --> 01:26:22,602
"Do me a favor, man.
Let me get a, um...
2055
01:26:22,680 --> 01:26:25,081
"Let me get
a caramel macchiato.
2056
01:26:25,200 --> 01:26:26,850
"Caramel macchiato.
2057
01:26:26,920 --> 01:26:28,445
"Light ice. Not heavy.
2058
01:26:28,520 --> 01:26:30,249
"If it's heavy,
I'm not gonna drink it.
2059
01:26:30,320 --> 01:26:31,367
"Do me a favor.
2060
01:26:31,440 --> 01:26:33,010
"Tell 'em to put
a little bit of soy in it.
2061
01:26:33,080 --> 01:26:35,890
"Not a lot, just enough
for me to taste it and go...
(SMACKS LIPS)
2062
01:26:36,000 --> 01:26:38,082
"'Oh, boy.' Okay?
2063
01:26:38,160 --> 01:26:39,161
"Three whips.
2064
01:26:39,240 --> 01:26:40,924
"Take that third whip
to the top of the lip
2065
01:26:41,000 --> 01:26:43,241
"so I can take a sip,
you got it?
2066
01:26:43,320 --> 01:26:45,322
"You ain't got it.
I'ma say it one more time.
2067
01:26:45,760 --> 01:26:47,603
"Caramel macchiato.
2068
01:26:47,960 --> 01:26:49,200
"Caramel macchiato.
2069
01:26:49,280 --> 01:26:50,805
"Light ice. Not heavy.
2070
01:26:50,880 --> 01:26:52,564
"If it's heavy,
I'm not gonna drink it.
2071
01:26:52,640 --> 01:26:53,641
"Do me a favor.
2072
01:26:53,720 --> 01:26:55,210
"Tell 'em to put
a little bit of soy in it.
2073
01:26:55,280 --> 01:26:57,886
"Not a lot, just enough
for me to taste it and go...
(SMACKS LIPS)
2074
01:26:57,960 --> 01:26:59,200
"'Oh, boy.' Okay?
2075
01:26:59,280 --> 01:27:00,247
"Three whips.
2076
01:27:00,360 --> 01:27:01,964
"Take that third whip
to the top of the lip
2077
01:27:02,040 --> 01:27:04,361
"so I can take a sip,
you got it?"
2078
01:27:04,960 --> 01:27:06,405
"Let me make sure
I got it.
2079
01:27:06,480 --> 01:27:08,448
"Let me say it back to you.
2080
01:27:10,160 --> 01:27:11,571
"Black coffee.
Did I get it?
2081
01:27:11,640 --> 01:27:12,880
"Is it black coffee?
2082
01:27:12,960 --> 01:27:16,567
"'Cause if you think
I'ma go across the street
and say what you just said,
2083
01:27:16,640 --> 01:27:19,723
"you can suck
the back of my dick
twice on a Tuesday.
2084
01:27:19,800 --> 01:27:22,246
"Not a lot, just with
a little bit of soy.
2085
01:27:22,320 --> 01:27:25,688
"Enough for you to
suck my dick and go...
(SMACKS LIPS) 'Oh, boy.'
2086
01:27:25,800 --> 01:27:26,926
"When you get to
the top of my dick,
2087
01:27:27,000 --> 01:27:29,162
"slow down so I can know
you really sucked that shit."
2088
01:27:29,240 --> 01:27:31,049
Philadelphia,
my name is Kevin Hart.
2089
01:27:31,120 --> 01:27:32,406
Thank you!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
2090
01:27:32,480 --> 01:27:33,606
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
2091
01:27:33,680 --> 01:27:35,011
Thank you!
2092
01:27:35,880 --> 01:27:37,803
God damn it, thank you!
2093
01:27:38,920 --> 01:27:40,046
I love y'all!
2094
01:27:40,120 --> 01:27:41,121
Thank you, man!
2095
01:27:41,200 --> 01:27:42,964
(AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING)
2096
01:27:43,160 --> 01:27:44,525
Thank you!
2097
01:27:45,000 --> 01:27:49,210
From the top of
this goddamn stadium
to the bottom, thank you!
2098
01:27:49,440 --> 01:27:50,521
I love y'all, man!
2099
01:27:55,600 --> 01:27:57,967
I'll tell you what,
Philadelphia.
2100
01:27:58,040 --> 01:28:00,327
This is
a fucking moment, dude.
2101
01:28:00,400 --> 01:28:01,970
This is a moment.
2102
01:28:02,040 --> 01:28:03,041
You hear me?
2103
01:28:04,320 --> 01:28:05,890
It's a moment.
2104
01:28:07,600 --> 01:28:10,570
When you look
around this room tonight,
what I love the most
2105
01:28:10,680 --> 01:28:15,607
is that I see
every race, ethnicity,
nationality possible.
2106
01:28:15,680 --> 01:28:16,920
You hear me?
2107
01:28:17,000 --> 01:28:19,162
I see some of everybody.
2108
01:28:19,240 --> 01:28:22,483
We all came
under the same roof
and we laughed tonight.
2109
01:28:22,560 --> 01:28:24,801
If you can laugh together,
you can live together.
2110
01:28:24,880 --> 01:28:27,008
If you can live together,
you can love together.
2111
01:28:27,080 --> 01:28:29,128
I live by those rules,
and I'll be damned
2112
01:28:29,240 --> 01:28:31,527
if I didn't see that
shit happen tonight.
2113
01:28:32,000 --> 01:28:33,445
In my city,
2114
01:28:33,520 --> 01:28:35,363
I made fucking history,
goddamn it.
2115
01:28:35,440 --> 01:28:37,329
I'm in the record books,
you hear me?
2116
01:28:38,800 --> 01:28:42,009
I am in the record books.
2117
01:28:42,520 --> 01:28:44,329
My name is Kevin Hart,
2118
01:28:44,400 --> 01:28:47,529
and this has been
the best night of
my fucking life.
2119
01:28:47,600 --> 01:28:48,647
You hear me?
2120
01:28:48,760 --> 01:28:50,000
Thank you all.
2121
01:28:50,080 --> 01:28:52,367
I appreciate you
so goddamn much.
2122
01:28:52,440 --> 01:28:53,965
Good night. Peace.
2123
01:29:19,040 --> 01:29:20,201
That's a show!
2124
01:29:20,280 --> 01:29:21,281
Did you see that?
2125
01:29:21,360 --> 01:29:23,169
53,000 people!
Did you feel that energy?
2126
01:29:23,240 --> 01:29:24,366
That love in
the building?
2127
01:29:24,440 --> 01:29:25,487
Yes. I saw it,
Kevin, you were great.
2128
01:29:25,560 --> 01:29:26,561
What's wrong?
What's going on?
2129
01:29:26,600 --> 01:29:27,761
You know the man
you killed?
Yeah.
2130
01:29:27,880 --> 01:29:29,041
He wasn't the leader.
What you talking about?
2131
01:29:29,120 --> 01:29:30,087
They're back.
They're here?
2132
01:29:30,160 --> 01:29:31,446
We gotta go!
Get the fuck outta here.
2133
01:29:34,880 --> 01:29:35,927
KEVIN: It's Agent 5-4.
2134
01:29:36,000 --> 01:29:37,490
I need a helicopter ASAP.
2135
01:29:37,600 --> 01:29:39,045
DISPATCHER ON RADIO:
We need an ID challenge.
2136
01:29:39,120 --> 01:29:40,167
Password, please.
2137
01:29:40,640 --> 01:29:41,641
Um...
2138
01:29:42,560 --> 01:29:44,881
(SOFTLY)
National Geographic titties
are my favorite thing.
2139
01:29:44,960 --> 01:29:46,041
DISPATCHER: Sorry, Agent 5-4.
2140
01:29:46,120 --> 01:29:47,246
You're breaking up.
Please come again?
2141
01:29:47,360 --> 01:29:49,203
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Titties with no nipples
on National Geographic
2142
01:29:49,320 --> 01:29:50,446
are my favorite
thing to watch on TV.
2143
01:29:50,520 --> 01:29:52,329
Titties with no nipples?
2144
01:29:52,400 --> 01:29:53,640
That's your password?
2145
01:29:53,720 --> 01:29:54,846
DISPATCHER: ID confirmed,
Agent 5-4.
2146
01:29:54,920 --> 01:29:56,331
Helicopter en route.
Thank you.
2147
01:29:56,400 --> 01:29:58,402
We're picking up two inbound
bogeys about half a mile
2148
01:29:58,480 --> 01:29:59,561
east of your location.
Shit.
2149
01:29:59,640 --> 01:30:00,846
They're on our ass.
2150
01:30:01,640 --> 01:30:03,005
(TIRES SCREECHING)
2151
01:30:19,280 --> 01:30:20,486
(TIRES SCREECHING)
2152
01:30:21,160 --> 01:30:22,241
KEVIN: Oh, shit.
2153
01:30:22,320 --> 01:30:23,526
Get in.
2154
01:30:35,360 --> 01:30:36,850
So what now?
2155
01:30:38,200 --> 01:30:39,611
Now?
2156
01:30:39,680 --> 01:30:42,843
Well, now we do the same thing
on a global scale.
2157
01:30:44,760 --> 01:30:48,765
I think it's time to show the world
just how funny Kevin Hart is.
2158
01:30:54,360 --> 01:30:56,249
SINGER: (SCREAMING) Kevin!
161928
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