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[screaming]
2
00:00:02,350 --> 00:00:04,961
ANNOUNCER: FXX presents
Archer 1999.
3
00:00:06,354 --> 00:00:08,051
[ominous tone]
4
00:00:10,358 --> 00:00:12,055
♪
5
00:00:27,201 --> 00:00:28,854
ARCHER:
Altair Beta?
6
00:00:28,898 --> 00:00:31,074
Why'd you wake me up
way the hell out here?
7
00:00:31,118 --> 00:00:33,859
MALORY:We picked up a distress beacon.
8
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Not surprising.
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00:00:35,122 --> 00:00:37,080
Altair Beta's not
the best neighborhood.
10
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MALORY:
Unless you're a Dri'n pirate.
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00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:40,344
ARCHER:
Yeah, speaking of--
12
00:00:40,388 --> 00:00:42,520
looks like pirateshit that transport pretty hard.
13
00:00:42,564 --> 00:00:45,871
Well, what say we go
pick the bones?
14
00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:49,353
[chuckles] I'd say, uh,
unfortunate choice of words.
15
00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:51,486
Figuratively.
Hopefully.
16
00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:54,271
Well, I'm in, but you know
what she's gonna say.
17
00:00:54,315 --> 00:00:55,968
Why, does she talk
in her sleep?
18
00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:57,709
What? Mother, come on.
We can't not...
19
00:00:57,753 --> 00:00:59,929
I mean, Lana's
the co-captain, so...
20
00:00:59,972 --> 00:01:01,713
-So?
-Huh.
21
00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:03,976
W-Well, should we
wake up anybody?
22
00:01:04,020 --> 00:01:05,282
-Why would we?
-Good point.
23
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Let's go check it out.
24
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W-Wait, Mother.
25
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-Hang on.
-[farts]
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Oh, for the...
27
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-You are disgusting.
-[snickering]
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Me?
He's the one wallowing in...
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[sniffing]
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Oh, freeze-dried
shepherd's pie.
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[sniffing]
Ugh! And banana pudding.
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♪
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So, on the off chance
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the pirates left
anything worth taking...
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MALORY:
There's no sense cutting
36
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:48,195
the rest of those idiots
in on the deal.
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00:01:48,238 --> 00:01:49,631
Yeah, they'll just... Wait,
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00:01:49,674 --> 00:01:51,502
what do you mean,
"the rest of those idiots?"
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-Hmm?-Are you implying I'm an idiot?
40
00:01:54,331 --> 00:01:56,290
-No, I...
-Yes, you were.
41
00:01:56,333 --> 00:01:58,205
I wasn't implying anything.
You...
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-[alarm blaring]
-COMPUTER: Proximity alert.
43
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Proximity alert.
44
00:02:04,428 --> 00:02:05,473
Proximity alert.
45
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-What the hell?
-Proximity alert.
46
00:02:09,607 --> 00:02:10,739
[alarm stops]
47
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-[sighs] Idiot.
-Aha! See?
48
00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:16,440
-You were implying it.
-I'm saying it!
49
00:02:16,484 --> 00:02:18,660
Now can you please
just dock the damn thing?
50
00:02:18,703 --> 00:02:20,183
[crash]
51
00:02:20,227 --> 00:02:22,577
-Yes.
-LANA: Nope!
52
00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:24,318
-[sighs] Here we go.
-Oh, goody.
53
00:02:24,361 --> 00:02:27,016
And just what in my own
personal hell
54
00:02:27,059 --> 00:02:28,800
-do you two think you're doing?-Well...
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00:02:28,844 --> 00:02:31,412
And don't insult my intelligenceby lying to me.
56
00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:33,240
Okay, then...
57
00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:36,068
Never mind.
58
00:02:38,114 --> 00:02:40,116
[Archer theme playing]
59
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ARCHER:
Damn it, Krieger, why'd you
have to wake her up?
60
00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:22,463
You big-mouth... fish.
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00:03:22,506 --> 00:03:24,943
Don't call me fish!
And I didn't write my code,
62
00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:27,381
-so don't yell at me.
-I'll do the yelling.
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00:03:27,424 --> 00:03:29,470
Great, that way we know
you're getting enough oxygen.
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00:03:29,513 --> 00:03:31,036
Now, somebody explain to me
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00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:32,516
why you're docking the ship
without permission.
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00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:36,259
-Permission?
-Look, we picked up
a distress beacon,
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00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:38,392
and we thought, you know,
that we'd...
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00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:40,481
Leave us all in stasis
while you sneak in there
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00:03:40,524 --> 00:03:42,396
to loot whatever the
pirates might've left behind
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00:03:42,439 --> 00:03:45,529
in there, which--
spoiler alert-- is jack-shit
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00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:47,966
unless you're counting
the ionic charges
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00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:51,492
they left as booby-traps!
73
00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:53,885
Well, you've clearly already
made up your mind, so...
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00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:56,671
[sighs] Somebody tell me
this is a joke.
75
00:03:56,714 --> 00:03:59,978
Oh, what, you being first mate?Sadly, no. Not a joke.
76
00:04:00,022 --> 00:04:02,764
No, this. Which better not
be what it looks like.
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[laughs] That's better than
what it smells like.
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00:04:05,114 --> 00:04:08,378
-Huh?
-Which is a giant bag
of assholes.
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00:04:08,422 --> 00:04:10,511
-What?
-Cyril, you reek.
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00:04:10,554 --> 00:04:11,990
No, I...[sniffs]
81
00:04:12,034 --> 00:04:13,731
Is that shepherd's pie?
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[giggles]
And banana pudding.
83
00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:16,995
Damn it, Archer.
84
00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:19,128
Did you fart in my
stasis pod again?
85
00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:21,173
-Why, I oughta...
-You oughta wash off
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that 'nana puddin'.
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00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,351
[grunting]
88
00:04:25,917 --> 00:04:27,397
Stop touching me!
You stink!
89
00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:29,486
Will you two knock it off?
90
00:04:30,531 --> 00:04:32,489
-Yes.
-Ow!
91
00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:35,405
Why do we even
serve shepherd's pie?
92
00:04:35,449 --> 00:04:37,451
And, follow-up, why do we have
93
00:04:37,494 --> 00:04:39,714
the world's loneliest
courtesan on board?
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00:04:39,757 --> 00:04:41,237
-[gasps]
-Seriously, though,
95
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,718
this whole place smells
like a fart shit its pants.
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00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:45,459
PAM:
Did somebody say pants?
97
00:04:45,502 --> 00:04:48,723
[laughing, cheering, applause]
98
00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:54,206
[laughing, applause quiets]
99
00:04:56,252 --> 00:04:58,254
'Cause I'm not wearing any.
100
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:00,038
Because welcome
to the freak show.
101
00:05:00,082 --> 00:05:02,345
What?
Said the bug zapper.
102
00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:04,565
-Yeah, and speaking of.
-What?
103
00:05:04,608 --> 00:05:05,957
We had a deal.
104
00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:08,003
-[all grumbling]
-ARCHER: Yeah, come on, Mom.
105
00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:10,614
[sighs]
Oh, all right.
106
00:05:17,969 --> 00:05:20,450
-Happy?
-No, actually.
107
00:05:20,494 --> 00:05:23,540
Because you two were about to
violate quarantine protocols,
108
00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:26,413
possibly exposing my ship
to dangerous...
109
00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:28,415
-It's not your ship!
-Half of it is.
110
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Because I had
a shitty divorce lawyer.
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00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:31,505
Whose fault is that?
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You're the one
who wanted a divorce!
113
00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:35,378
When what I should've done
is just wait for you
114
00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:38,555
to get murdered by one of the
enemies you either owe money,
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00:05:38,599 --> 00:05:41,210
cheated, cuckolded,
straight-up stole from,
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00:05:41,253 --> 00:05:43,604
or some combination thereof.
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00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:46,433
[clears throat]
Your point being?
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00:05:46,476 --> 00:05:49,261
Her point,
Captain Doctor Science,
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00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:51,655
is you can't expose
just half the ship
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to potentially deadly
microorganisms.
121
00:05:53,831 --> 00:05:55,790
Aha!
Potentially deadly.
122
00:05:55,833 --> 00:05:57,269
I'm not having
this argument again.
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00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:58,445
[chuckles]
Apparently you are.
124
00:05:58,488 --> 00:06:00,185
-No, I'm not.
125
00:06:00,229 --> 00:06:01,752
Aborting docking sequence.
126
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Yes, you a...
[grunting]
127
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-Damn it, Lana!
-Aborting docking seq...
128
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:07,628
-BOTH: Krieger!
-Guys, come on.
129
00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:09,586
We've been over and over
and over this.
130
00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:10,805
The Laws of Robotics...
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00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:13,285
Is made-up shit
from a comic book.
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00:06:13,329 --> 00:06:14,765
[gasps]
133
00:06:14,809 --> 00:06:17,202
-Sorry.
-Don't be. It had to be said.
-[thump]
134
00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:18,421
-[muffled screaming]
-[overlapping chatter]
135
00:06:18,465 --> 00:06:21,555
-CHERYL: What the shit?
-[muffled splat]
136
00:06:21,598 --> 00:06:22,773
-[all gasp]
-Oh, my God.
137
00:06:22,817 --> 00:06:24,427
[muffled grunting, straining]
138
00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:25,994
-PAM: What is that?
-MALORY: Oh, my God,
139
00:06:26,037 --> 00:06:27,648
-what the hell...
-KRIEGER: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Everybody, shh.
140
00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:30,302
[grunting]
141
00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:36,787
[pop]
142
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-Aah!
-Kill it!
-Boy!
143
00:06:38,572 --> 00:06:39,660
[panting]
144
00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:41,052
Whew.
145
00:06:44,752 --> 00:06:46,580
-Are...
-[screaming]
146
00:06:51,498 --> 00:06:53,500
[footsteps pattering away]
147
00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:56,459
Happy?
148
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,940
I'm... happy you're not.
149
00:07:03,771 --> 00:07:06,121
PAM:
What the hell was that thing?
150
00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:08,558
I think the more pressing
question is...
151
00:07:08,602 --> 00:07:10,386
No, Krieger,
for the millionth time,
152
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,606
-you'll never be a real boy.
-I was going to say...
153
00:07:12,649 --> 00:07:14,695
I think it's more tragic
than anything.
154
00:07:14,738 --> 00:07:16,087
-You're one to talk.
-[gasps]
155
00:07:16,131 --> 00:07:17,698
-I was going to say...
-Ooh!
156
00:07:17,741 --> 00:07:18,916
When will you be a real boy?
157
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,962
What the hell
was it running from?
158
00:07:22,616 --> 00:07:23,617
Um...
159
00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,836
-[all exclaim]
-Son of a...
160
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,230
[growling]
161
00:07:29,318 --> 00:07:31,799
Dri'n dak!
Dak txakurrak!
162
00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:34,758
Oh, yeah?
You want some of this?
163
00:07:34,802 --> 00:07:36,151
Ow!
164
00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:39,154
I think they might, actually.
165
00:07:39,197 --> 00:07:40,764
Dri'n bastards.
Krieger, blast door.
166
00:07:40,808 --> 00:07:42,157
Yep, yep, yep.
167
00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:46,727
[muffled growling]
168
00:07:46,770 --> 00:07:48,642
-That oughta hold 'em. Okay...
-Hang on.
169
00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:51,732
Shut up.
Krieger, undock us.
170
00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:54,169
Cyril, Pam, Carol,
grab a weapon,
171
00:07:54,212 --> 00:07:56,519
split up, and find
that xenomorph.
172
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,173
For all we know
he's a Trojan horse.
173
00:07:58,216 --> 00:08:01,568
-He was pretty rubbery.
-[laughing]: So stupid.
174
00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:02,656
Right?
175
00:08:02,699 --> 00:08:04,701
And if you can temporarily
de-ass your head,
176
00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:06,311
want to get us out to here?
177
00:08:06,355 --> 00:08:07,878
Why?
We can take these assholes.
178
00:08:07,922 --> 00:08:10,359
-[crashing]
-[all scream]
179
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:12,883
-COMPUTER: Hull damage.
-You were saying?
180
00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:16,104
-[sighs]
-Hull damage.
181
00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:18,498
-[alarm blaring]
-Hull damage.
182
00:08:20,717 --> 00:08:23,198
-Hull damage.
-I heard you.
183
00:08:27,637 --> 00:08:29,813
ARCHER:
Okay, Krieger, we clear?
184
00:08:29,857 --> 00:08:30,988
KRIEGER:
Yep, yep, yep!
185
00:08:31,032 --> 00:08:32,468
ARCHER:
Okay then.
186
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:34,252
Everybody brace
for initial thrust.
187
00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:36,254
In three...
188
00:08:36,298 --> 00:08:37,473
-Whoa!
-God...
189
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,431
-Damn...
-Son of a...
190
00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:41,608
-Bitch!
-Ow!
191
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:42,652
[laughs]
192
00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:43,740
"Woooooo!!"
193
00:08:44,872 --> 00:08:46,961
RAY:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
194
00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:48,789
-no, no!
-[ceramic shattering]
195
00:08:48,832 --> 00:08:50,225
[sighs]
196
00:08:50,268 --> 00:08:52,444
Can't have anything nice.
197
00:08:52,488 --> 00:08:53,968
Never gets old, does it?
198
00:08:54,011 --> 00:08:55,839
Nope.
Unlike some people.
199
00:08:55,883 --> 00:08:56,840
Excuse me?!
200
00:08:56,884 --> 00:08:58,842
Lana, handle your business.
201
00:08:58,886 --> 00:09:01,671
There's a giant squeezy toy
on the loose.
202
00:09:01,715 --> 00:09:03,586
LANA:
I'll squeeze your... Damn it!
203
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,632
ARCHER:
[laughs] Got nothing.
204
00:09:14,292 --> 00:09:16,991
Okay, keep your
crazy eyes peeled.
205
00:09:17,034 --> 00:09:18,819
And watch your muzzle,
will ya?
206
00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:20,951
I'm not trying to get
blasted in the face.
207
00:09:20,995 --> 00:09:23,171
-Well, I'm not
trying to get slimed.
-What?
208
00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:25,086
It's not a ghost, dumbass.
209
00:09:25,129 --> 00:09:28,263
-How do you know?
-[scoffs] Because
nothing's a ghost.
210
00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:29,830
-[thump]
-[gasps]
-Shh.
211
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,747
You open it on three.
212
00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:35,183
Ready?
213
00:09:35,226 --> 00:09:36,880
One...
214
00:09:36,924 --> 00:09:40,231
-[gasps]
-[yelps]
-Oh, for... You pussy.
215
00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:42,756
You're supposed to belooking for the damn xenomorph.
216
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,627
I'm checking
all the storage lockers.
217
00:09:46,716 --> 00:09:48,762
This one's clear.
218
00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:51,286
[footsteps pattering]
219
00:09:51,329 --> 00:09:52,722
On me.
220
00:09:54,289 --> 00:09:57,031
-Freeze!
-Don't shoot, don't shoot!
221
00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:58,467
Let me see those hands!
222
00:09:58,510 --> 00:09:59,773
I... I don't have any.
223
00:09:59,816 --> 00:10:01,296
-Duh-hoy.
-Shut up.
224
00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:03,690
Okay, so who or what are you?
225
00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:05,039
I... W... I'm Bort.
226
00:10:06,910 --> 00:10:08,085
Bort the Garj?
227
00:10:09,391 --> 00:10:13,003
-Of the House of Garj?
-Well, Mr. Bort the Garj,
228
00:10:13,047 --> 00:10:14,744
just, what do you think
you're doing?
229
00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:18,705
Eating off-brand cereal.
230
00:10:20,141 --> 00:10:22,317
No, the passengers
were from all over.
231
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:25,799
I was the only Garj, and soI was able to hide in the walls
232
00:10:25,842 --> 00:10:27,322
when they attacked
the transport.
233
00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:29,498
And after they killed
all the crew, they just...
234
00:10:29,541 --> 00:10:30,804
took everybody.
235
00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:33,023
To sell into the spek mines,
no doubt.
236
00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:35,243
So how do you know English?
237
00:10:35,286 --> 00:10:38,072
-Is... that relevant?
-Yeah, Lana.
238
00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:39,813
I mean, why does anybody
know it?
239
00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:41,815
I mean she does.
She's obviously not human.
240
00:10:41,858 --> 00:10:44,556
-But not so obviously a she.
-Hey!
241
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:45,732
We were all thinking it.
242
00:10:45,775 --> 00:10:47,734
'Cause you're all
a bunch of xenophobes.
243
00:10:47,777 --> 00:10:50,345
Are you...
You're as bad as she is.
244
00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:52,739
-Always calling me fish or...
-That doesn't count.
245
00:10:52,782 --> 00:10:55,872
-You're a robot.
-Synthetic human.
246
00:10:55,916 --> 00:10:57,526
Potato, pobobot, am I right?
247
00:10:57,569 --> 00:11:00,311
Anyway, the important thing
is I'm okay.
248
00:11:00,355 --> 00:11:01,704
-Is that so?
-Well, yeah.
249
00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:04,228
I mean, I'm heir to the throne
of the House of Garj, so...
250
00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:07,971
And that's actually
a pretty huge deal.
251
00:11:08,015 --> 00:11:10,104
-Well, li-like, how huge?
-Well...
252
00:11:10,147 --> 00:11:12,410
I-If you had to express it
monetarily.
253
00:11:12,454 --> 00:11:14,978
-Wh... Oh, no.
-Lana, shut up.
254
00:11:15,022 --> 00:11:16,588
-Archer, shut up.
-[all clamor]
-No!
255
00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:18,982
-We are not going off on some...-Wild goose chase! Who's in?
256
00:11:19,026 --> 00:11:20,810
-I'm so in!-Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!-Ooh, me!
257
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:24,553
-No. Now, wait a minute.
-Lana, democracy has spoken.
258
00:11:24,596 --> 00:11:27,338
So, if we take you home
to Garj...
259
00:11:27,382 --> 00:11:28,992
Well, to Garjek, our moon,
260
00:11:29,036 --> 00:11:31,821
then my parents
will reward you handsomely.
261
00:11:31,865 --> 00:11:33,997
I'm already handsome.
How much?
262
00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:35,999
I mean...
easily a million credits.
263
00:11:36,043 --> 00:11:39,002
-[excited chatter]
-In this economy?
264
00:11:39,046 --> 00:11:41,004
And like I said,
I'm a pretty huge deal.
265
00:11:41,048 --> 00:11:43,006
Yes, yes, you definitely are.
266
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:45,356
So, can somebody here please
267
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,011
get His Highness
some more cereal right now?
268
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:49,752
Yeah, or maybe
just better cereal?
269
00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:51,885
Well, I don't know
about all that.
270
00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:52,929
Just a thought.
271
00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:55,366
Can I talk to you... please?
272
00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:58,630
If you can do it while I'm
plotting a course for Garjek.
273
00:11:58,674 --> 00:11:59,806
Wha...
274
00:11:59,849 --> 00:12:01,198
And ignoring you.
275
00:12:02,809 --> 00:12:04,985
LANA:
Because we need to put
the ship in dry-dock.
276
00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:06,421
The hull was damaged,
277
00:12:06,464 --> 00:12:08,989
-even before this fiasco.
-ARCHER: All right,
278
00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:10,120
carry the two...
279
00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:12,427
And now you want to put more
stress on the ship
280
00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:14,342
and jump two systems away
281
00:12:14,385 --> 00:12:17,824
just because a sentient blobsays there might be money in it.
282
00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:19,651
Uncarry the two.
283
00:12:19,695 --> 00:12:21,697
On top of which--
not that you give a shit--
284
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,917
but you swore to me
we'd go back to Earth.
285
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,135
-You promised.
-Lana, come on.
286
00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:26,876
I promised you lots of things.
287
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,356
-Archer...
-Besides,
288
00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:30,575
like you said,
it's just two systems, a...
289
00:12:30,619 --> 00:12:31,838
a skip and a jump.
290
00:12:31,881 --> 00:12:33,665
What could possibly go wrong?
291
00:12:33,709 --> 00:12:34,928
-Seriously?
-[chuckles]
292
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:36,146
Besides all the normal stuff
293
00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:38,845
that could easily
go disastrously wrong,
294
00:12:38,888 --> 00:12:41,848
-since space travel
is so dangerous.
-Ugh.
295
00:12:43,023 --> 00:12:44,285
[engine whirring]
296
00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:46,809
ARCHER:
[laughs] Woooooo!!
297
00:12:46,853 --> 00:12:49,986
Hyperspace!
298
00:13:02,651 --> 00:13:05,045
ARCHER [laughing]:
Oh, m... oh, man.
299
00:13:05,088 --> 00:13:07,003
Is hyperspace not the best?
300
00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:09,876
If you mean is it the bestat putting stress on the hull...
301
00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:11,747
Is this
the rest of my life now--
302
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,315
you bitching
about the damn hull?
303
00:13:14,358 --> 00:13:16,534
Right? Relax.
The hull's gonna be...
304
00:13:16,578 --> 00:13:17,666
-[explosion]
-Aah!
305
00:13:17,709 --> 00:13:18,754
-What the hell was that?
-[glass shatters]
306
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,104
My last bottle of bitter lemon!
307
00:13:21,148 --> 00:13:22,236
Dri'n fighters inbound.
308
00:13:22,279 --> 00:13:23,846
ARCHER:
From where?
309
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:25,413
-LANA: From the transport.
-ARCHER: What?!
310
00:13:25,456 --> 00:13:27,632
LANA:
They must've
followed us, dumbass.
311
00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:28,851
How am I a dumbass?
312
00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:30,722
How much time do you have?
313
00:13:30,766 --> 00:13:31,898
Ow!
314
00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,900
Uh... not much.
315
00:13:33,943 --> 00:13:36,076
-COMPUTER: Hull damage.
-We know!
316
00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:37,555
-[alarm blaring]
-COMPUTER: Battle stations.
317
00:13:37,599 --> 00:13:39,862
Ugh! What now?
318
00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:41,864
Seriously.
319
00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:45,128
But whatever it is,
I'm sure it's Archer's fault.
320
00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:46,042
-Krieger, helm!
-Yep!
321
00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:49,654
Okay, assholes.
Sun's out, guns out.
322
00:13:49,698 --> 00:13:51,526
Well, in space,
the sun is always...
323
00:13:51,569 --> 00:13:53,963
Don't step on my line, fish!
324
00:14:03,407 --> 00:14:04,495
Whoa...
325
00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:07,324
Uh, I thought this was
a civilian ship.
326
00:14:07,368 --> 00:14:08,891
Isn't it illegal
for it to have weapons?
327
00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:10,675
Oh, my God, it is.
328
00:14:10,719 --> 00:14:13,722
Should we pull over and
call the Federation, or, uh...
329
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:15,898
-What? No, I just...
-'Cause we're happy
to pull over, Bort!
330
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:18,292
-KRIEGER: S-seriously?
-LANA: No. Archer...
331
00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:19,510
-[loud thud]
-Please!
332
00:14:19,554 --> 00:14:21,425
Quit dicking around.
333
00:14:22,339 --> 00:14:23,863
ARCHER:
Yeah, Bort.
334
00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:29,085
Come on, come on,
come on, come on...
335
00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:30,565
Yes!
336
00:14:33,611 --> 00:14:35,831
Get some! Get some!
337
00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:40,357
Suppressing fire!
338
00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:42,359
ARCHER:
Jesus,
339
00:14:42,403 --> 00:14:43,926
you couldn't suppress a cough.
340
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:46,189
-CYRIL [over comms]:
Yes, I could.
-Touché, Cyril.
341
00:14:48,235 --> 00:14:50,150
We're taking too much damage!
342
00:14:50,193 --> 00:14:52,848
Damn it!
Okay, Carol...
343
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,937
Carol?
Carol!
344
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:56,417
-What?
-ARCHER: You know what!
345
00:14:56,460 --> 00:14:58,985
-Ugh!
-LANA: Goddamn it, woman.
346
00:14:59,028 --> 00:15:01,030
All right, already!
347
00:15:02,684 --> 00:15:03,903
Jesus!
348
00:15:05,034 --> 00:15:06,993
[weapons firing]
349
00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:16,828
Isn't it kind of weird
Carol hates doing
350
00:15:16,872 --> 00:15:18,352
the one thing she's good at?
351
00:15:18,395 --> 00:15:20,658
No, I get it. I mean,
I'm like that with blowjobs.
352
00:15:20,702 --> 00:15:23,661
-MALORY: Oh, for...
-[laughing]: Wai-Wait, what?
353
00:15:23,705 --> 00:15:26,403
-Yeah, whooda what?
-ARCHER: Since when
are you good at blowjobs?
354
00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:27,752
Excuse me?
355
00:15:27,796 --> 00:15:29,580
[chuckles]
For your information...
356
00:15:29,624 --> 00:15:31,017
LANA:
Cyril, shut up.
357
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:33,193
-Let the man speak.
-ARCHER: Yeah, Lana.
358
00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:35,238
He has nothing to say
on the matter.
359
00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:38,241
-Do you, Cyril?
-I... No, I guess not.
360
00:15:38,285 --> 00:15:40,113
ARCHER:
Whoa, w-whoa, w...
wait a minute.
361
00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:42,854
LANA:
Hey, look over there--
that was the last pirate.
362
00:15:42,898 --> 00:15:44,204
Way to go, Carol.
363
00:15:44,247 --> 00:15:45,857
Yeah. Yay me.
364
00:15:45,901 --> 00:15:47,468
ARCHER:
Okay, we will
talk about this later.
365
00:15:47,511 --> 00:15:49,774
-LANA: No, we won't.
-ARCHER: But for now,
head to the gig.
366
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:51,124
We leave for the surface
in five.
367
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:54,083
Time to see what
a million credits looks like.
368
00:15:55,171 --> 00:15:57,434
And we should
take a duffel bag, or...
369
00:15:57,478 --> 00:16:00,220
-Ray, uh, what are you doing?
-[footsteps approaching]
370
00:16:00,263 --> 00:16:02,352
I thought I'd go down with
y'all and see if I could,
371
00:16:02,396 --> 00:16:04,267
you know, find some clientele.
372
00:16:04,311 --> 00:16:06,313
[all laughing]
373
00:16:07,705 --> 00:16:10,012
Hey, you know what?
374
00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:11,927
I don't need it!
375
00:16:13,711 --> 00:16:16,018
PAM:
Aw, man. Now I feel
kind of bad.
376
00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:17,802
ARCHER:
Yeah, I d...
377
00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:19,891
I do too. Let's bring him
something back.
378
00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:21,806
Does he still collect
those little spoons?
379
00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:23,286
Ugh, yes.
380
00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:25,462
Hey, we're not going down
there for a shopping spree.
381
00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:27,812
We're gonna use that reward
money to repair the ship.
382
00:16:27,856 --> 00:16:30,119
Jesus, calm down,
it's just a spoon.
383
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:31,207
Yeah, Lana.
384
00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:39,650
So, Bort, wh... uh,
what do we call your folks?
385
00:16:39,694 --> 00:16:41,304
BORT:
Do what?
386
00:16:41,348 --> 00:16:43,872
ARCHER:
Like, is this a "Your Majesty"
type deal, or...
387
00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:46,092
Uh, y-yeah, I guess.
388
00:16:46,135 --> 00:16:47,397
Okay, so...
389
00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:48,964
Oh, should I curtsy?
390
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,879
Ugh, there's a picture.
391
00:16:50,922 --> 00:16:52,881
PAM:
First of all, I was voted
392
00:16:52,924 --> 00:16:55,318
Most Ladylike in my
cotillion class, and I also...
393
00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:57,842
Who was your competition--
a boulder?
394
00:16:57,886 --> 00:16:59,235
-[weapons cocking]
-[all gasp]
-Oh, the Dri'n.
395
00:16:59,279 --> 00:17:01,194
-[cackling]
-ARCHER: What the...
396
00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:03,674
-BARRY: Hey, gang.
-Wha...
397
00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:05,241
Barry Six?!
398
00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:07,200
-MALORY: Good God.
-CYRIL: Not Barry Six.
-[all groan]
399
00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:10,986
Yeah, it's good ol' Barry Six.
Say, Bort.
400
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,161
-Goddamn it, Bort.
-Hey, Six.
-You know him?
401
00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:13,684
How the hell do you know Bort?
402
00:17:13,728 --> 00:17:15,295
Oh, Bort and I go way back.
403
00:17:15,338 --> 00:17:18,124
I got Bort out of a sticky
little mess on Vega Three,
404
00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:20,300
-didn't I, bud?
-Yeah.
405
00:17:20,343 --> 00:17:22,084
So this was all
a big set-up?
406
00:17:22,128 --> 00:17:25,218
-Duh-hoy.
-I'm super sorry, you guys.
407
00:17:25,261 --> 00:17:26,654
Oh, you will be, you little...
408
00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:29,091
Butt-plug looking piece
of shit!
409
00:17:29,135 --> 00:17:30,875
That's what he reminds me of!
410
00:17:30,919 --> 00:17:32,181
Mother, please.
411
00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:33,182
Well look at him.
412
00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:35,228
So are we... cool?
413
00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:37,099
[chortling]
414
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:38,796
I mean, I am.
415
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,321
Okay, well,
then I'm just gonna...
416
00:17:41,364 --> 00:17:45,194
[grunting]
kinda...
417
00:17:45,238 --> 00:17:47,066
tip... just tip on out, then.
418
00:17:49,155 --> 00:17:50,678
BARRY [chuckling]: Wow.
419
00:17:50,721 --> 00:17:54,377
Wow. Look at that.
Little kook.
420
00:17:54,421 --> 00:17:56,510
You believe he's heir to the
throne of the House of Garj?
421
00:17:56,553 --> 00:17:58,207
What do you want with us?
422
00:17:58,251 --> 00:17:59,991
Well, me and Archer
have what you might call
423
00:18:00,035 --> 00:18:02,124
an outstanding account
to settle.
424
00:18:02,168 --> 00:18:04,692
So, for starters,
I'm gonna extract
425
00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:06,172
all the bones from his body.
426
00:18:06,215 --> 00:18:07,782
-What?!
-No biggie.
427
00:18:07,825 --> 00:18:09,131
Well, now just hold on a minute!
428
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:10,263
-Yeah!
-If this is between
429
00:18:10,306 --> 00:18:12,178
the two of you,
the rest of us...
430
00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:14,745
-No!
-The rest of you, I hope,
431
00:18:14,789 --> 00:18:16,791
are gonna fetch me
a pretty good price
432
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:18,184
when I sell you down
the spek mines.
433
00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:19,707
-Seriously?
-[overlapping chatter]
434
00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:21,839
Yeah. Not great, huh?
435
00:18:21,883 --> 00:18:23,058
[Dri'n laughing]
436
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,103
[door slams]
437
00:18:34,025 --> 00:18:36,767
How about now-- happy now?
438
00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:39,205
I mean... probably happier
than I'm gonna be
439
00:18:39,248 --> 00:18:41,424
when Barry Six
starts yanking my bones.
440
00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:43,165
[laughs]
Space phrasing.
441
00:18:45,820 --> 00:18:47,213
No.
442
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:21,943
MAN: Made in Georgia.
443
00:19:26,382 --> 00:19:28,384
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
444
00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:31,170
Whoo!
445
00:19:32,693 --> 00:19:33,737
-Hey.
-[screeching]
446
00:19:33,868 --> 00:19:35,391
-Welcome to the freak show.
-[gasps]
447
00:19:36,087 --> 00:19:37,132
[growling]
448
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,438
-[farts]
-[sniffs]
449
00:19:38,481 --> 00:19:41,658
-Is that shepherd's pie?
-And banana puddin'.
450
00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:44,444
-Why, I oughta--
-You oughta... wash off
that 'nana puddin'.
451
00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:45,532
-[slaps land]
-[grunting]
452
00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:47,229
ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.
453
00:19:47,273 --> 00:19:50,189
All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.
32144
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