Original subtitles

[beeping]

Since I was a kid, I've been able to sleep through anything.

Storms, sirens, you name it. Last night, I didn't sleep.

I guess I get a little goofy when I'm nervous.

[growls]

You see, today isn't just any other day.

It's my first day.

I'm the man.

Three years of pre-med, four years of med school and tons of unpaid loans

have made me realize one thing...

Could you go drop an NG tube on the patient in 234

and call the attending if the lavage is positive?

I don't know Jack.

♪ I can't do this all on my own ♪

♪ No, I know I'm no Superman ♪

♪ I'm no Superman ♪

So this is my story.

I'm supposed to be up in intensive care.

Good, we just turfed him there.

I became a doctor to help people,

but orientation yesterday...

It didn't really focus on patient care.

The hospital doesn't wanna be sued.

Being sued is not a good thing.

- Hey, Turk? - What's up?

You know how I'm totally down with the rap music?

Dude, be whiter.

Chris Turk's my best friend. We roomed together in college.

We roomed together in med school.

Hell, we even got accepted by the same hospital.

Here's the thing. Tupac, DMX, Dr. Dre,

in most of their songs, these artists use an extremely volatile racial slur...

- The "N" word. - I got it.

Right. My question is this: if we're both singing along,

and knowing otherwise I would never use the word,

- am I allowed to say... - No.

That's good for me to know. I didn't know that.

Finally, doctors, if there is a mistake,

don't admit it to the patient.

Of course, if the patient is deceased, and you're sure...

you can feel free to tell him or her... anything.

[laughs nervously]

Hey, I found us an apartment.

Okay, gang, I'm Dr. Bob Kelso, and I'm your Chief of Medicine,

so I just want to encourage you all to think of me as your safety net.

Because I promise you, we're a family here.

Now, then, go get 'em, doctors.

The surgical interns are gonna go grab a beer.

The medical interns are having a Pac-Man tournament.

Apparently, we're all twelve.

I love Pac-Man.

Me, too. I love watching it, I, I, I love playing it,

I love all of it.

- I'm Elliot. - [as E.T.] Ell-i-ot...

Yeah, don't do that.

I'm J.D. This is Turk.

Elliot, are you medical or surgical?

Medical.

[thinks] Ha-ha! Hello.

Every male in my family is a doctor.

My dad, granddad, brother. That's why Dad gave me a guy's name,

made me play sports, date girls. I'm joking.

I know. I would've laughed if you'd paused.

Anyway, I know what you're thinking.

[J.D.] Your butt looks like two Pringles hugging.

- No, you don't. - I'm Miss "Hyper-Competitive."

It used to be a big problem for me. Used to. Past tense.

Hey.

Are we, like, racing?

Yes!

Please, I'm not that desperate.

No!

[cheering]

- [pants] - So, you do a lot of cardio?

Oh, yes.

Elliot Reid? John Dorian? Great.

One, I am your resident, Dr. Jeffrey Steadman. Not "Jeff".

Two, here are your manuals.

Notice how quickly some people make an impression?

I am a tool. I am a tool. I am a tool, tool, tool.

- An unbelievably annoying tool. - Yeah.

Yeah. Finally, these are your beepers. From now on, they control your life.

Okay? Thanks. Move it.

- Back to today. - [beeper]

- I was, uh, I was paged. - Oh, first day, Bambi?

Carla will take care of you. Don't look at me when we're moving someone.

Why?

- We're waiting for Dr. Cox. - [J.D.] Hi, doctor...

- Place an IV for me. - We'll talk later.

Carla, can I ask you a question?

Do you spray the perfume on or fill your bathtub up

- and splash around in it? - I smell nice.

You've done this to cadavers before. This guy's alive.

Just poke it through his skin. Now!

[whistles] Time's up. Carla, will you do it?

- I need an ABG. - Why are you telling her?

- Shut up and watch. - Be nice to Bambi.

Why has this gomer got to try and die every day during my lunch?

- That's a little insensitive. - [thunder]

Mistake.

Man's 92, has full dementia. He doesn't know we're here.

He is inches from Carla's rack and hasn't even flinched.

- Aw, that is so sweet. - Yeah, it is.

What about his subconscious?

Eisenhower... was a sissy.

I think by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay.

Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room,

you're definitely not allowed to talk.

Now, Dr. Dorian, can you tell me what ailment most often...

I think I'm gonna love rounds. It's like being on a game show.

- [bell] - What is uremia?

That's my boy. Hey, nice clean job on the foley catheter.

I had a nurse do it. I'm still afraid to touch anybody.

I've been thinking a lot about Elliot. A whole lot.

Dr. Reid, you're late.

I got puked on.

You're off the hook if you can tell me what to look for in a uremic patient.

Anyway, I'm going for it.

- [whispers] Infection. - Infection?

That's my girl. Moving on.

- I knew the answer. - I'm sure you did.

- I'm just frazzled. - How could you not be?

- With the... - I know, yeah.

Thanks. If there's anything I can do for you...

You could let me take you to dinner tomorrow night.

Around seven?

Or eight?

Why not?

Nice!

"Why not?" That's what she said.

"Why not?"

Daddy, why did you marry Mommy?

Well, Tiger, I gave her an answer during rounds

and she screwed my brains out.

- [TV audience laughs] - You're the man.

[more laughter]

[TV audience whoops]

- What the hell are you doing? - [record scratches]

Did you actually just page me

to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lenzer?

I was worried it could exacerbate...

It's regular-strength Tylenol. Here's what you do.

Get her to open her mouth, take a handful, and throw it at her.

Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage.

And under no circumstances are you to compromise our no-talking agreement.

Dr. Kelso is always saying "You gotta stay posi..."

I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible,

so I don't overstate it.

Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet

and may in fact be Satan himself.

It's just that this isn't what I expected, you know?

Most of my patients are...

older, and sorta checked-out, mentally.

Pumpkin, that's modern medicine.

Advances that keep people alive who should've died a long time ago.

Back when they lost what made them people.

Now, your job is to stay sane enough

so when someone does come in that you actually can help,

you're not so brain-dead you can't function.

For the love of God, what?

Should we be talking about this in front of...

Her? She's dead.

Write this down, newbie. If you push around a stiff,

nobody'll ask you to do anything.

You've been like a father to me.

Fair enough. Want some real advice?

If they find out nurses are doing your procedures,

you'll be kicked out so quick, your head will spin.

And there it is.

Have a terrific day.

I'm not really dead.

Okay, Bambi, here's Mrs. Lenzer's tox screen...

I wonder if Turk's having the same experience I am?

- I am such a stud. - Probably not.

This morning, I had my hands inside of a guy's chest.

I couldn't even see them. I should not be allowed to do stuff like that.

Wassup?

- You weren't scared? - One way or another,

everyone stops bleeding.

- That is so deep. - No, it isn't.

It's a little deep.

Hey, about the apartment...

T-Man! [roars]

[Turk laughs] What up, boy, how you doing?

- All right. - Todd, J.D.

J.D., this is my man Todd.

What's goin'... Ow!

[J.D.] And like that, I was back in high school.

Surgical interns are all slice 'em and dice 'em. The jocks.

Medical interns, we're trained to think about the body.

Diagnose, test. Medical interns, well...

You got a stain. [laughs]

we're the chess club.

[Muzak]

I just have bad gas. What are you testing me for?

We need to know if your gas could be harmful to others.

[ding]

He's just scared. Talk to him.

Look, Mr. Burski, I heard a systolic murmur in your heart,

which is most likely nothing, but if I don't check you out,

- I'll worry about you all day. - Then I'll do it. For you.

You're a good man.

[woman on P.A.] Dr. Farley, call O.B.G.Y.N.

Dr. Farley, call O.B.G.Y.N.

I'm waiting for someone.

The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.

Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.

- Why a penny? - I don't know.

- Did you stick a penny in it? - No, I was making small talk.

If I find a penny in there... I'm taking you down.

Welcome to rounds, kids.

Elliot is the only thing keeping me from losing my mind.

She is my dream girl.

The necrosis and infected stool

most likely indicate what, Dr. Dorian?

[ticking]

[horn]

[whispers] I don't know.

Sir, I have no idea.

Dr. Reid, can you help him out?

I'd say it's superior mesenteric insufficiency.

[horn]

That's my girl. Patient number two.

"I'd say it's superior..." [babbles]

[reggae music]

Draining Ms. Pratt's stomach fluid will get my spirits up.

- Circles for you. - Shut up and do it.

Fantastic. Now just suck out the fluid with the giant needle.

This needle's too big. I'm gonna get a nurse.

Learn by doing. Learn by doing.

Why couldn't I do that? I hated him at that moment.

Okay, maybe the needle was a little too big.

- [J.D.] You think? - What's going on down there?

Nothing, ma'am. This is totally normal.

So are you gonna move your stuff in or what?

That's why I came by. I think it's better if we both branched out a little.

Tell him you think that's stupid. Tell him you need him.

Yeah. I feel the same way.

[reggae grows louder]

So what's it like being a young hotshot doctor?

It's like, did you ever go see a movie everyone told you was great

then because of all the expectations,

you ended up disappointed?

Movies nowadays have too many special effects.

Yeah, that was pretty much my point.

- [beeper] - My first code.

Here's how it works. Someone's heart fails, they beep everyone.

The first doctor in has to run the room,

basically decide if a patient lives or dies.

What, am I crazy?

Ah!

You chicken.

Don't worry about the patient. Turk was there, "learning by doing".

Charged. Clear.

- [screams in agony] - Oh, my God!

Plus, the guy was just sleeping, attached to a faulty monitor.

I thought we cared about each other...

If you didn't want to sleep with me, you'd have done the same.

The last thing I wanna do is sleep with you now.

- Do me right here. - Okay.

- See? - [growls]

[door handle clicks]

Right. Pass me a trach kit.

Thanks.

Our date is, is totally canceled.

I was sitting on the floor for two reasons.

One, I tried to lock Elliot in that supply closet

and she kicked me. Hard.

And two, the on-call room was locked.

Come on, I got like ten minutes to sleep.

Wait.

Tell me if I'm going too fast, okay?

Lose the clothes.

I heard that Turk was gonna move in with Todd.

I'm surprised that high-fiving freak isn't in there with him.

Damn, this is hot.

Nice.

Your turn.

No, I gotta get back, but very nice.

Oh, hey, Bambi. [chuckles]

So, uh, I'll call you, okay?

- Give me a big "ahh". - Ahh.

- A big-boy "ahh". - [louder] Ahh.

Turk practically had sex in the on-call room.

You realize, of course, I have no idea who Turk is,

but good for him.

You see, Billy, it turns out that sex is life-affirming.

Now, what do you say, Champ, got a urine sample for me?

But I just did five minutes ago.

I know you did, but here's the thing.

Take this cup, put it on the ground, close your eyes,

and just go nuts. What do you say?

- Cool! - Attaboy. Go get 'em, Champ.

- Why are you here? - Seems like a good kid.

Worried about being on call tonight, aren't you?

Yeah.

Look, worst-case scenario,

you kill somebody,

and that hangs over your head the rest of your life.

But that is the absolute worst-case scenario.

Just have the nurses do all the stuff you're still too chicken to do,

which I assume is everything, and if you have a really rough admission...

Call you?

No, I was gonna say go hide in the closet again.

- [flushing] - [Billy] Yeehaw! This is fun.

- [man] Hey, nurse? - I'm a doctor, okay?

The stethoscope, the beeper, a doctor, got it?

- Relax. - I just hate it.

I hate "darlings" and "sweethearts".

You don't need to tell me how hard it is being a woman around here.

You're furthering the cause by wearing a thong and hooking up in the on-call room.

- [screeching of tires] - Word gets around.

You talk like that, do you even know my name?

I spend every second of my life either here or taking care of my mom,

so, yeah, maybe I needed a little closeness.

I'm sure you never had a quickie at the club, right?

Or snuck some skinny, flat-butted college boy up to your sorority room.

And my thong? I happen to think it makes my ass look good.

And some days, I need to feel good about something here.

And you judge me? Well, guess what?

Word does get around, Ms. Out-For-Herself.

So you can dump on everyone here if you want, but you will not hurt me.

Her name's Carla, by the way.

- [patient] Ouch. - [J.D.] Yeah.

Carla.

Hey, Champ. First night on call starts soon, huh?

Gosh, you must be excited.

[screams internally]

You betcha.

[chuckles] Oh, about Mrs. Pratt.

I heard you wanted to put her on the hospital's transplant list.

I just thought I'd recommend keeping her on dialysis a little longer.

- Maybe we'll get lucky. - No problem, sir.

Great. Have a ball.

On call. [chuckles]

Little poem for ya.

- [beeping] - [sighs]

[phones ring, overlapping chatter]

Bambi, come on, let's go.

I'll check on you every ten minutes, Mrs. Marino, okay?

I need to see you in Mr. Burski's room.

Are you flirting with me?

You are, aren't you?

He crashed. The attending thinks it was a pulmonary embolism.

No way anyone could've caught it.

- You have to pronounce him. - Why didn't anybody page me?

Could you just pronounce him so I can go home?

I'll never forget that moment.

The way he looked exactly the same...

only completely different.

The shame that all I could think about was how hard this was for me.

Time of death 02:00.

I just wanted to help people.

The hardest part is how quickly you have to move on.

Don't worry, man, you're gonna be fine.

Hey. I lied before, man.

I'm scared every second.

Really?

It's a good thing they make surgical masks, 'cause if they didn't,

everyone would know my face was like this the whole time.

Well, I think it's okay to be scared.

I need you to tell me that every once in a while.

He needs me?

Anyway, I just came to check up on you, see how you're doing.

Ask him to move in again.

You know, Turk, the offer still stands...

Yo. I already took the keys out your bag.

I love you.

And like that, I got a second wind.

[high-pitched] I'm watching you.

- How you holding up? - There he is. My safety net.

I saw that you're still pushing to put Mrs. Pratt on the transplant list.

Bad news, though, sport. She doesn't have the insurance to cover it.

Yeah, but she's, like, a second away from total renal failure.

Okay...

Uh, did you ask the Burski family for permission to do an autopsy?

They're still in there with him.

It's a teaching hospital, son, you gotta ask.

Just tell him you can't see Mr. Burski again, he'll understand.

Sir, do you think I could skip just this one?

Why, sure, sport.

See? Every story needs a good guy.

In fact, why don't you just head on home?

You look kinda tired.

I am pretty tired.

Dr. Dorian, do you not realize

that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me?

The only reason I carry this chart around

is so I can pretend to remember your damn names.

Now, look, if the patient has insurance, you treat them.

If they don't, you show them the door.

And if somebody dies, you get the autopsy.

Get it by rounds tomorrow morning

or I'll be scratching your name off my chart. Are we clear?

[demonic voice] Answer me!

Crystal clear.

Great, sport.

I don't get it. If he's the jerk...

[beeper]

then who's the good guy?

Car accident. Crashed in the elevator on the way up.

Gotta relieve the pressure on his chest. J.D., do it.

Oh, God, no.

Look at me. You can do this.

- And I believed him. - [squeaky] Chest tube tray.

You know, kind of.

Come on, baby, let's go. Chop chop.

You can do this. You have to do this.

J.D., cut him or lose him.

Okay, give me the tube.

I can't get through the pleura.

Don't be gentle, get it in there.

Okay, connect it, please, Carla.

- Normal rhythm. - [laughs] No way.

Nay? It's a piece of cake. It's your patient.

You're leaving?

That's your patient, doctor.

Good.

- That's enough. - Sorry.

It's a very big moment for me.

So I guess that's it for now. 31 hours, 12 minutes, and I am...

You finally off?

Almost. I have one more really annoying thing I gotta do.

If it's the Burski autopsy, I called the family

and they said fine, and to thank you, and I'm sorry.

They didn't say that last part, I did.

The worst part was knowing right then I could never forgive her.

I forgive her.

You see, I can't survive on my own.

I'm a dork. A dork. I'm a dork.

Even now, when I finally get to go home,

I'll know the hospital's still here, wide awake.

Bambi, get out while you still can.

You know, what the hell.

The important thing is I got through my first few days

without looking like a complete idiot.

I'm the man.