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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,320
Is that my anchovy pizza? What have
you got to say for yourselves?
2
00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:06,960
We could do with some chilli oil.
3
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,120
Whoa!
4
00:00:08,120 --> 00:00:09,720
When did you two become
a married couple?
5
00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,360
What? We're not a... Married couple.
6
00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:13,600
Do you want a cup of tea?
7
00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:19,640
Because, as I've already mentioned,
now my career is skyrocketing.
8
00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:22,800
What's that? Divorce papers.
Whenever I want him to sign,
9
00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:24,400
every time he runs away.
10
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:25,640
This is my publisher.
11
00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:27,920
Hi. Nigel. Nigel.
12
00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:29,960
I love the play on the word "gay."
13
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,400
No, that's a typo of my name.
14
00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:34,960
Hello, everyone.
15
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:39,720
My name is Guy Harvey and I am
the writer of Lessons In Love,
16
00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:42,080
a case study of modern
relationships.
17
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:45,280
Now, you may ask,
"What is a modern relationship?"
18
00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:46,760
Well, I wouldn't know
19
00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,080
because I've never been able
to hold one down.
20
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,320
MUTTERING: That's terrible.
That's not going to work.
21
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,200
That's such a terrible speech.
22
00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:58,440
MUTTERING: OK. Hello. Case
studies...
23
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,400
Not today, Guy, not today.
24
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,080
Hello? Hey!
25
00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:11,080
How's it going? Hello there.
My name is Guy Harvey.
26
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:14,520
# It's such a crazy, crazy feeling
27
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:19,520
# I get weak in the knees
My poor old head is a-reelin'
28
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:23,560
# As I go deep into
the funnel of love
29
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:28,760
# Here I go,
falling down, down, down
30
00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:30,680
# My mind is a blank
31
00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:33,880
# My head is spinning around
and around
32
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:37,200
# As I go deep into
the funnel of love
33
00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:43,440
# Deep into the funnel of love
34
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,320
# Deep into the funnel... #
35
00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:59,760
Oh, my God, I love car insurance.
Thank you. Thank you.
36
00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,600
Mm! Mm!
37
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:08,640
Oi! Oi, excuse me.
38
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,840
Welcome to Guy's
book launch. He's not a fascist.
39
00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:15,760
Welcome to Guy's book launch.
He's not a fascist.
40
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:18,240
Welcome to Guy's
book launch. He's not a fascist.
41
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:26,320
Uh, hey. Hey, that is an outfit.
Thanks.
42
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,480
I'm in mourning.
Mourning? For what?
43
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,760
We need to talk.
About your hat? It's lovely.
44
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:35,480
About what happened.
45
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:38,560
What? Sorry? What?
Oh, Jamma's calling me, so...
46
00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,680
Is he? ..I've got to go. Is he?
Yeah, I'm coming!
47
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,440
I'm just talking to... He's not
looking this way.
48
00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:43,720
So impatient!
49
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,760
What? Did you see that? Hmm? Guy.
50
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:02,800
I think he's feeling anxious.
Oh, my God!
51
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:06,240
Jamma, are you thinking
about someone that isn't yourself?
52
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:10,200
I guess. Ooh, this is what happens
when you deal with your shit.
53
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,480
Yeah, but now I can see all
his shit.
54
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:15,480
Yeah, it's called empathy.
I don't like it.
55
00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,600
No, it's not very nice,
but it's really good. Yeah?
56
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:21,200
Welcome to adulthood, Jamal.
57
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,280
Huh!
58
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,560
Divorce papers, signed.
59
00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:31,200
I'm not a coward mouse.
60
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,080
Oh.
61
00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:39,960
Well done. You passed the test.
62
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:49,160
Terms and conditions
of our remarriage.
63
00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:50,240
You need to sign.
64
00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:57,000
Oh, no! No, Saif! Saif! Come back,
you coward mouse!
65
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,720
You can make it out to Jamma.
66
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,360
Gemma? Yeah, Gemma. Gemma Collins.
67
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:04,640
QUIETLY: To Gemma.
68
00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:08,920
You OK? You seem nervous. Really?
How can you tell?
69
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:12,600
I'm an empath now. It's just I'm not
really good at public speaking
70
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,040
and, um, I've got to introduce
a book,
71
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:18,160
and I don't know what to say
and I'm going to have to improvise.
72
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,880
Oh, well, you look damn sexy in a
suit.
73
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:26,400
And that's the main thing. Is it?
Oi, I've got your back today, OK?
74
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,400
Nothing's going to go wrong,
all right?
75
00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:32,080
Guy? Uh, Guy, something's gone
wrong. Oh!
76
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:36,080
What is he doing here? My job.
Oh, how convenient!
77
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:37,560
You need to see this. Now.
78
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,960
PIPE ORGAN PLAYS
79
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:44,120
Why does it look like a wedding?
80
00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,960
It's been double booked. Oh, what?!
You must be the groom.
81
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,320
No, I'm the author.
Cold feet are natural.
82
00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:52,400
No, I'm not getting married.
83
00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:54,320
That's what I said on
my wedding day!
84
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:56,400
No, it's not my wedding day.
It's OK, Guy.
85
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,520
I'm going to fix this for you.
All right, Nigel!
86
00:04:58,520 --> 00:04:59,920
Let's just keep it professional.
87
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:03,640
I spent £800 on a profiterole tower,
a grand on...
88
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:05,120
I think that's the other booking.
89
00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:06,840
All right, let's just go over to
them, talk to them,
90
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,520
find a solution. I think we should
just go over
91
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,000
to them and talk to them
and find a solution.
92
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,240
Well, that's a good idea.
I literally just said that!
93
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,440
Hi. Hi, there. Sorry to interrupt.
I think there seems to have been
94
00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,640
some kind of misunderstanding.
Yes, there is.
95
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,120
My daughter's wedding is littered
with all this self-help crap.
96
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:22,520
I think it looks quite nice.
97
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:25,640
You two.
98
00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:32,080
They've done this on purpose.
Is this your idea of revenge?
99
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,400
Look, there is a misunderstanding.
I'm an author.
100
00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,280
I don't give a fuck
if you're an astronaut.
101
00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:39,320
Sorry. Do you know each other?
These two muppets stole my pizza.
102
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:40,400
You stole his pizza?
103
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,760
That doesn't ring any bells.
I've never eaten pizza in my life.
104
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,720
Why did you steal his pizza?
Why would you steal a pizza?
105
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,320
OK, listen, we haven't got time for
this. No, no, he's right.
106
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:50,000
We've got press arriving any minute.
107
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:55,200
A wedding beats a book club.
Marriage is a patriarchal construct.
108
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:56,600
I'm not cancelling my
daughter's wedding
109
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:58,920
for some woke book
about emotional men.
110
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:02,240
Oh, someone's had a browse.
Men do not get emotional!
111
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,200
OK. I'll handle this.
112
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,800
Car insurance driving you mad?
113
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,400
The best journeys
are worth protecting.
114
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,720
What is she talking about? Yeah,
thanks, Farida. Thanks so much.
115
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,160
Thank you.
116
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:29,720
Why don't we just do both?
I've got it.
117
00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,920
We'll do both.
Oh, that is a great idea.
118
00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:34,160
My idea. The room's booked
for two hours.
119
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,920
We'll do an hour each. Wow.
I was literally about to say that.
120
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,720
What makes you think
I'm going to share?
121
00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,360
One of you will get a full refund.
122
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,120
We go first. I get the refund.
123
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:50,960
Fantastic. Clever man.
Yeah, no, wait, I did say it.
124
00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:53,680
Very impressive. Well done,
Nigel. Thank you, Nigel.
125
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:08,720
Hi. Just on the left. Thank you.
126
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:12,720
Welcome. Bridegroom or author?
127
00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:14,920
Eve Carlisle from the Guardian.
128
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:18,600
Well, then, welcome to Guy Harvey's
interactive
129
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:20,600
wedding-themed book launch.
130
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,040
Thank you. That's not for you.
131
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:27,520
That's part of the interactive
experience.
132
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,320
How's the intro going?
Um, uh, no, it's good, I think.
133
00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:31,480
Um, listen to this. Yeah.
134
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:35,400
Uh, a life without therapy is
like a fish out of water -
135
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:36,880
"unso-fish-ticated."
136
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:41,240
What? It's a play on the word
"fish," isn't it?
137
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,040
It's like an icebreaker,
just to get people on side.
138
00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:45,960
Oh, yeah. Good. Yeah. Great.
Uh, what else have you got?
139
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,240
I mean, I've got plenty of other
140
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:51,000
little fish...little fish bits,
but... Maybe skip that.
141
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,440
You think? Skip the fish?
Well, yeah. That's fine. Um, well,
142
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,600
I haven't got anything else,
so... Oh, fuck! No, no.
143
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,320
Don't panic. Listen, we've got time.
What do I do?
144
00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,600
I need a speech, Jamma. We'll write
it now. We've got time.
145
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,960
Hi. Hi, hi. Let's write it.
Erm, the bride's gone missing.
146
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:06,560
What? No-one knows where she is
and the groom is shitting himself.
147
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:07,920
CONTROLLED BREATHING
148
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,440
It's not a Pilates class.
Please give me a break.
149
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,440
We need to start this wedding now.
Look, the journalists won't stay
150
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,160
past the hour. The bride has gone
missing, Nigel.
151
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:16,880
Oh, this is unbelievable.
152
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,280
All right, Negative Nigel.
153
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:20,160
Gosh, he loves a crisis, innit,
this one?
154
00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:22,120
Right. I say we all muck in and just
find the bride.
155
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:23,880
I think we should all muck in
and find the bride.
156
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,200
That's a really good idea. That's
a good idea. OK, OK!
157
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,800
OK, that's it!
I know what you're doing.
158
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,080
What? Wiggling your way
159
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:32,400
in between me and Guy.
I'm sorry, I don't follow.
160
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,560
I bet you don't swallow.
What? What? Sorry.
161
00:08:34,560 --> 00:08:36,320
I thought you said something else.
162
00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:53,200
Saif!
163
00:08:58,120 --> 00:08:59,920
Oh!
FARIDA EXCLAIMS
164
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,080
Saif! Saif! Saif! Bride?
165
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,760
Winnie! Shit!
166
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:12,200
Have you seen the bride?
Have you seen Winnie?
167
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:15,240
Open the door!
168
00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:16,720
SCREAMING
169
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:20,240
What was that? Toilet!
Come on!
170
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:21,880
SHE SCREAMS
171
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:29,840
Oh! Oh!
172
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:37,080
You can't run away from your
problems like this, babe.
173
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,960
Winnie, why do you keep running
away from me? Shit!
174
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,000
What the fuck happened to my
profiteroles?
175
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,080
No. No, no, no. It wasn't...
Come here! No, it wasn't me.
176
00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:48,640
Oh, God! No!
177
00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,240
Can we just talk, please? No.
178
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:57,000
I'm trying to save this girl's
wedding day, Isaac.
179
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,480
I found the bride. Who even are you?
180
00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:00,480
Maybe you should tell her that
hiding in a toilet
181
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,480
is not going to help.
I wasn't hiding.
182
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:04,320
Maybe you'd rather hide
in the toilet
183
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,120
than lose your best friend over
a stupid kiss
184
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:08,640
that didn't even happen.
Wait. Hold on. What?
185
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,040
What? I thought I was your best
friend?
186
00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:14,800
OK, guys, we're losing track here.
Guy's right, we need to find Saif.
187
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,840
No, no, that's not what I meant.
Are you the woman from
188
00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:19,120
the car insurance ad? Yes.
189
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:21,960
OK, can we just focus here? Yeah.
190
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:23,640
We really need you
to get married now.
191
00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:25,720
Yeah. Why don't you just tell
us what's causing you doubts?
192
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,280
I wasn't having doubts.
I was having a shit.
193
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,600
Oh. Oh. Oh, right,
so you weren't hiding?
194
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,120
I was hiding to have a shit.
195
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,640
Oh, to have a shit. So sorry.
Right. Yes.
196
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,840
Great, great. Just finish up.
Just wipe it up.
197
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,320
Come on. Let's go get married!
Let's get out of here. Wait!
198
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,400
Great. Are you having doubts
or just a shit?
199
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,440
Profiterole. Oh, OK.
200
00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:54,920
So the coward mouse was hiding.
201
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:58,040
I'm not a coward mouse.
I'm a brave mouse.
202
00:10:58,040 --> 00:10:59,400
A mouse is a mouse.
203
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,400
Can we just deal
with one marriage at a time?
204
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:05,160
I will not accept your terms
unless you accept mine.
205
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:07,800
How can you have terms?
You haven't touched me
206
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:10,760
in 21 years. Oh, I didn't want to
hear that.
207
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,560
Yous haven't touched each other
in 21 years?
208
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,680
Welcome to marriage. Farida, Saif,
209
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,160
should we just talk about
this later?
210
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,280
Because she's not having doubts.
211
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:21,360
Well, I am now! Oh, you are?
Oh, well,
212
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:23,320
that's fantastic. Well done.
213
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,080
THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE
No. Hold on. Let's just...
214
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:26,840
Guys, guys, this is all about love.
215
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:41,520
Let that be a lesson to you.
216
00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,200
Where do you think you're going?
217
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,960
I was... I was going to go
and find her.
218
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,760
I'll go and find her.
You're not going anywhere.
219
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:52,600
I'd listen to him.
Come on, turn yourself around.
220
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,280
Go. Don't embarrass me!
221
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,640
This is a joke.
Oh, completely wasting our time.
222
00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:02,920
Because love always finds a way,
and that's the main thing.
223
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,840
They don't know what they're talking
about. Just give us a shot.
224
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:06,760
Who are you talking about? Remember
we had a Bombay roll
225
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,760
in Birmingham? Shut up, bastard!
226
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,600
You are making the biggest mistake
of your life.
227
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,960
No, no, don't listen to her.
228
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,160
Just follow your heart.
Yeah, and if your heart wants
229
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,720
to just be friends,
that's also fine.
230
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:17,920
What do you know about hearts?
231
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:21,960
Isaac, please! Guy's a therapist.
He can help.
232
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,720
Yes! Guy. Guy. Yeah, yeah.
233
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:25,840
Huh?
234
00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:28,360
I don't have the answers.
235
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:30,680
Yeah, you do.
236
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:36,360
No, I don't. I thought you said
he'd written a book about this.
237
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:39,720
Yeah. Yeah, I have.
And I'm meant to be introducing it,
238
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,640
doing a whole speech about
relationships,
239
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,520
and I don't even know what to say.
240
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,360
I don't know
why we put ourselves through this.
241
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:51,040
You know, maybe it is just a little
bit too hard and it never works,
242
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:54,880
and we all end up just hurting each
other, and then it's over.
243
00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:55,920
So...
244
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:58,520
..there
245
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,800
DOOR BANGS OPEN
Ah! My girl!
246
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,920
Baby girl.
247
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,200
Come on.
248
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:17,440
Time to get married.
249
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,840
We found the bride, guys. Sit down,
please. Take your seats.
250
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,520
Found the bride, guys. Sit down,
please.
251
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:33,320
Take a seat. It's all right.
She's here now.
252
00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:35,920
WEDDING MARCH BEGINS
253
00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:37,160
All rise.
254
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:40,120
WEDDING MARCH PLAYS
255
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:05,760
Please be seated.
256
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,760
Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here today
257
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:14,400
to celebrate the union of
258
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:18,280
Cynthia Harris and Gareth Cooper
in marriage.
259
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:21,800
What has a heterosexual wedding
got to do with this book?
260
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:23,560
Nothing. Shut it.
261
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:29,520
A marriage is sacred and goes on
from this lifetime to the next.
262
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,760
It is the ultimate...
263
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:37,560
And you want
to make sure it's really for you,
264
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:42,360
because we should note that there
are three people in this marriage.
265
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:47,200
Cynthia, Gareth and God.
266
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:49,880
And like God,
267
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,680
you must keep a watchful eye on
268
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,600
the bond and the love
269
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:58,160
that will be forever shared
in eternal marital bliss.
270
00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:00,160
This is ridiculous. I'm leaving.
271
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,320
You'll be making
a promise to be together in this
272
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:05,400
life and the next.
273
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,720
If anyone objects to this union,
274
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,880
speak now or forever hold
your peace.
275
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:16,960
I'd like to say something.
276
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,480
MURMURING
277
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:28,200
MICROPHONE WHINES
Let go!
278
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,280
I'd like to do an introduction to
279
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:37,080
Guy Harvey's book,
um, Lessons In Love.
280
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,080
Relationships are fundamentally
hopeless.
281
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:47,200
Let's start there.
I'm going to kill him.
282
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:52,200
You know, you meet someone,
and you feel like your life is fixed
283
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,520
and that there's hope,
and that you can do anything.
284
00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:00,560
And then... Then do you learn that
they like to leave
285
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:04,520
a party at 10pm.
Or they cry in the shower.
286
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:09,080
Or they think spending £31 on
a hand wash is a normal thing to do.
287
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:14,760
So then come the differences,
the disagreements,
288
00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:18,640
the arguments, the compromises.
And then before you know it,
289
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,080
you've basically turned
into your parents,
290
00:16:21,080 --> 00:16:24,440
which for most of us means
we're fucked.
291
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:28,080
And then, well, then you're dead.
So...
292
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,400
JAMMA CLEARS HIS THROAT
293
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:37,280
So why bother?
294
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:41,640
Because if you didn't...
295
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,880
..you'd be saying no to the
adventure.
296
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:47,920
The adventure of stepping out
297
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,040
of your own world and into
someone else's.
298
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:54,200
To see not just your own magic,
but theirs.
299
00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:58,760
And realising that someone else
300
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,600
is just as fucked up as you are.
301
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:06,560
To love and be loved...
302
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:10,680
..that's what shapes us...
303
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,320
..no matter what form it comes in.
304
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:22,920
It's not about finding the one,
or never getting it wrong,
305
00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:25,240
or never hurting each other,
306
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,120
because we probably will.
307
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:34,360
But surely it's just about the joy
308
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,280
of going on a journey with someone.
309
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:41,680
As the famous successful actress
Farida Jamshidi once said...
310
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:46,040
..the best journeys
are worth protecting.
311
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:55,320
So please buy the book
and review it well.
312
00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:57,840
Thank you.
313
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:07,600
Well, none of that was in my book.
314
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,920
OK. Well, that wasn't really
an objection,
315
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,680
so let's carry on.
316
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:16,920
PASTOR CLEARS HIS THROAT
317
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:21,240
Do you take each other
as your lawfully wedded spouses?
318
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,120
I don't! I don't!
319
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,200
Hmm? What?
320
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,480
Really? After that speech?
321
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,880
I think I was doing it just
cos my dad wants me to.
322
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,400
Me too. He's terrifying.
What is going on?
323
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:35,080
Oh, no, no, no!
It's a good thing, Daddy.
324
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:37,040
I don't want to end up in a sexless
marriage
325
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,800
like the car insurance lady.
326
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,800
She doesn't know what she's saying.
Yes, I do.
327
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,160
Them guys helped talk
some sense into me.
328
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:48,680
Uh, no. No, no, that's not...
No, that's not what we meant.
329
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:52,120
Those two corrupted my daughter.
330
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:54,280
Daddy! Sit down, Lee.
331
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:56,120
I'm all right.
332
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,040
I'm all right, I'm all right.
333
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,360
I'm going to rip your fucking...
334
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:03,160
No, no, I'm sorry. I'll kill them!
335
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,920
Right, right, right!
336
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:08,520
Shout out to my newly ex.
This next one's a big tune!
337
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,920
MUSIC: Walking On Broken Glass
by Annie Lennox
338
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:15,880
You're kidding me?!
339
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:19,120
Gazza? Yeah? Will you join me
for our last dance?
340
00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:20,280
I'd be honoured!
341
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:24,840
Using a heterosexual
wedding to excessively
342
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:28,800
demonstrate how we can all learn
from queer relationship models -
343
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,240
quite frankly, genius.
344
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:35,560
I look forward to seeing some more,
Mr Gay.
345
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,880
# Since you've abandoned me... #
346
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,640
Can I have this dance,
friend?
347
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,560
Please!
348
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:50,640
Terms and conditions,
signed.
349
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,560
No more fighting?
No more fighting. But if you can't
350
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:57,080
fulfil my bodily needs,
I will find other sexual partners.
351
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:58,840
OK. OK.
352
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:03,480
Singing machine only on weekends.
Weekday. Weekends and Tuesdays.
353
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:05,400
Deal. Deal.
354
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:07,440
Oh, yes. One more thing...
355
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,640
I'm going to kill you!
Lee, don't get involved!
356
00:20:15,160 --> 00:20:17,280
Nothing? Not even a little bit?
357
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:21,200
No. I'm sorry. You're like my baby
brother's baby brother, you know?
358
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,000
It's weird.
It's like I feel so seen with you.
359
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,960
I don't have that with anyone else.
Yeah, that is friendship.
360
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:31,160
It's like the world's gone silent
361
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:34,600
and all I can hear is the ache in
my chest.
362
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:37,160
That's very artistic.
Thanks.
363
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:40,760
Oh, my gosh, Isaac. That's it.
We've found your trauma.
364
00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,280
What? Heartbreak.
365
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,240
I am your trauma.
366
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:51,760
Oh, I need to paint! Yes!
I am the muse.
367
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:54,400
Please don't marry Nigel. What?
368
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,840
Look, I know he's perfect on paper,
but you need someone different.
369
00:20:56,840 --> 00:21:00,920
You need the chaos.
Jamma, why would I marry Nigel?
370
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,600
We should have a conflab
Monday, talk US distributors.
371
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:05,760
Oh, my God. Have some
self-respect, mate.
372
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:08,080
I'm sorry? I'm just going to give it
to you straight, right?
373
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:11,000
Yes, you look great in chinos.
Yes, you know how to carve a turkey.
374
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,920
But he's my guy, not yours!
375
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:16,680
Anyway, I just came to say goodbye.
376
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,560
I'm taking my wife and kids
for dinner.
377
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,640
Oh. Wife? Yeah.
378
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:25,480
What? So are you bisexual or...?
Not that I know of, no.
379
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:30,800
Well, it was lovely
to meet you, mate. Yeah.
380
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:34,520
You too. Great speech, by the way.
Oh, thank you.
381
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:35,640
What a lovely man.
382
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:41,440
So I'm your guy, am I?
Sorry, I meant travelling companion.
383
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:45,960
Come here.
384
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,320
CHEERING
385
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:56,480
# Walking on, walking on broken
glass
386
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,400
# Walking on glass
387
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:02,160
# Walking on glass
I'm walking on glass
388
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,640
# Walking on glass
389
00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,600
# I'm walking on glass... #
390
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,760
MUSIC FADES
391
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:33,080
Hell of a view.
392
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:45,600
MUSIC: Juice Theme "Shik Ma Van"
by Juice House Band
30738
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