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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,120 This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature 2 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:07,960 HE GROANS AND CHUCKLES 3 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,520 I love that view. 4 00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:20,200 Who the fuck...? 5 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:29,440 ALARM CLOCK BEEPS 6 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:34,440 HE WHIMPERS 7 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:35,480 Ugh! 8 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,080 Shit. 9 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:49,920 Yeah, OK. 10 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:52,680 Here you go, mate. 11 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:53,800 All right? 12 00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:07,120 Jesus! 13 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:08,800 Oh, God! 14 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,200 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. 15 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,520 Sorry I'm late. 16 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:16,840 HONK-HONK! Oh... 17 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:27,160 HE SLURPS 18 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,240 Sorry. 19 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:38,480 HE UNZIPS 20 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,960 WHIMSICAL UPBEAT MUSIC 21 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:43,000 INDISTINCT 22 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,040 DING! 23 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:51,480 HE GLUGS 24 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,680 FANFARE AND RECORDED CHEERING 25 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,000 Thank you. Thank you. 26 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:01,040 MAN GROANS 27 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,280 ALARM BEEPS 28 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,520 Oh, my... Oh, no! Graham's collapsed. Oh, God! 29 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,320 Sir? It's his birthday! Sir? 30 00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:09,400 Is there someone you'd normally call in a moment like this? 31 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:10,440 SIREN WAILS 32 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,400 Hello, sir? 33 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:13,440 Do you have anyone? 34 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:14,960 DANCE MUSIC 35 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,000 Do you know what I mean? 36 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,000 Relationships are fundamentally fucked. 37 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,440 You know when you meet someone and you feel like your life is fixed, 38 00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,080 but then you just end up hurting them? 39 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:23,840 And then what? And then you're dead. 40 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,040 I'm going to go dance with my friends. 41 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:30,600 All right? 42 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:43,480 You know what I mean? Like, how are we meant to know how to love 43 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,200 if we were never taught how to love? 44 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,360 Totally. It's fucked up. HE SPITS 45 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,440 We just end up doing all the same shit our parents did. 46 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:50,680 I want to come in your face. 47 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,680 Oh... Y-yeah. Oh... 48 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:57,360 Come here often? 49 00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,200 Shh, shh. Sorry. 50 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:00,600 Ohhh! 51 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,680 Jamma! Ohhh! Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. 52 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:06,320 Oh, my God! My sofa! No. No, no, no... Get off! 53 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,840 Oh... It's not what it looks like. 54 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,840 Who's that? I don't know! I've never met him! 55 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,640 No! No! What are you doing? 56 00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:13,560 I'll just get it off with this. No! 57 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,920 SHOUTING 58 00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:23,680 # Here I go, falling down, down, down 59 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,440 # My mind is a blank 60 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:28,680 # My head is spinning around and around 61 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,840 # As I go deep into the funnel of love 62 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,720 # It's such a crazy, crazy feeling 63 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,640 # I get weak in the knees 64 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:42,760 # My poor old head is a-reelin' 65 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:45,840 # As I go deep into the funnel of love 66 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:52,160 # Here I go, falling down, down, down 67 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,800 # My mind is a blank 68 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,000 # My head is spinning around and around 69 00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:01,080 # As I go deep into the funnel of love 70 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:06,640 # Deep into the funnel of love. # 71 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,080 Just say it. Say what? 72 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:17,880 You were only meant to be crashing here a few weeks, Jam. 73 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:19,120 It HAS been a few weeks. 74 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:20,360 It's been six months! 75 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:23,080 Can you sit down? You're stressing me out. 76 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:27,080 We feel like you've been a bit lost ever since you broke up with Guy. 77 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:28,480 What? No, no. No, I haven't. 78 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,080 You covered my sofa in jizz stains. 79 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:32,120 Oh, they're not mine. 80 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:33,800 That makes it worse. Much worse. 81 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,320 Sorry, when did you two become a married couple? 82 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,240 What? We're not... ..a married couple. 83 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:39,920 You just finished each other's sentence. 84 00:04:39,920 --> 00:04:41,320 No, we... ..didn't. 85 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:42,440 Oh, my God. 86 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,480 Maybe it's time that you... 87 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:45,520 HE SIGHS 88 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:47,600 ..text Guy. 89 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,640 No, no. OK. No. Sorry. 90 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,480 My life has never been better, OK? 91 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:53,360 You're literally a clown. 92 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,040 Events entertainment facilitator. 93 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,280 That's not a job. 94 00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,320 Says the guy who's painting nipples for a living. 95 00:04:58,320 --> 00:04:59,560 They're not nipples! 96 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,040 It's abstract. 97 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:06,360 You need honest feedback. 98 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:07,520 You need to move out. 99 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:10,200 It's my exhibition tomorrow and your shit's still everywhere. 100 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:11,440 Winnie... 101 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:13,080 But we're having a-so much a-fun. 102 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,320 Yeah, I know it's been fun, but I'm just... 103 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:17,400 I'm trying to do... BOTH: ..the right thing. 104 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:18,880 Jinx! No, no, no! 105 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:20,360 BOTH: Touched your bum, made you come. 106 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:21,400 On the sofa. 107 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,720 BOTH: Too soon. Jinx! 108 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:23,920 Touched your bum, made you come. 109 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:25,720 Again! EXCITED CHATTER 110 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,520 I can't make art under these conditions! 111 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:34,280 Oh, OK, look, what if I got the jizz stain out your sofa? 112 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:35,360 You should do that anyway. 113 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:36,480 Shh... 114 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:37,520 Then can I stay? 115 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,240 OK! Yes! I'm going to get the spray. 116 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:42,640 SHE CHUCKLES 117 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:43,680 Silly. 118 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,520 What? He jinxed me! 119 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:48,520 Jinxed. You saw. 120 00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,560 Oh, Jamma, you've left your phone in the... 121 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,280 MESSAGE SEND SOUND 122 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,400 No more flighty, immature men. 123 00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:15,240 Well, yes, exactly. I have been burnt so many times. 124 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,920 It's not our job to rescue them. We've done the work. Exactly. 125 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,360 All I want is a solid relationship. 126 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,240 Someone to make me a cup of tea. Yes. 127 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:24,040 Someone to split the admin with. Please! 128 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,960 You sort the flight, I'll book the hotel. 129 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,200 Well, that's exactly that. 130 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:28,640 iCal or Google? 131 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:31,360 Well, I mean... Come on... 132 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,800 It's iCal every time. Yes! We sync. 133 00:06:35,840 --> 00:06:38,080 This is going well, isn't it? 134 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:41,320 Yeah. Yeah, very, very well. 135 00:06:41,320 --> 00:06:42,880 PHONE VIBRATES Oh, sorry. 136 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,120 I should have turned that off. Erm... 137 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:53,600 You OK? Erm... Yeah. Sorry. 138 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:56,120 Yes. Erm... That is, er... 139 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,000 That is... That is my accountant. 140 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:02,480 Well, I didn't want to brag on my profile, but I am an Excel whiz. 141 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,000 Stop it! You're turning me on. 142 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,760 And that's another thing I do not miss. What's that? 143 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,640 The sex. 144 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:12,680 Give us an itinerary over a blowjob any day, right? 145 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:13,720 Mm. 146 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:21,480 Hey, homemakers. Squeaky Dyke here. 147 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,920 Today, I'm going to be showing you how to get those pesky stains 148 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:25,160 out of your sofa. 149 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,840 All you need is vinegar. 150 00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:29,120 Now, the crazy thing about vinegar is it actually contains some 151 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,480 really special enzymes that break down the fabric, 152 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:35,320 so whatever you do, do not put the vinegar on the sofa. 153 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,160 That will just ruin the whole thing. HE GASPS 154 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:40,520 And under no circumstances should you rub the vinegar in, 155 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:42,400 cos that'll just make a bad situation worse. 156 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,560 But if you have done that for some reason, 157 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:48,400 like a complete moron, don't worry because you can actually fix that 158 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:51,040 by quickly grabbing some bicarbonate of soda. 159 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:52,240 Bicarbonate of soda... 160 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,360 Now, you really want to have that in your hands right now 161 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,720 because this is a time-pressure situation. Yes, yes, yes! Hold on! 162 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,120 The amazing thing about bicarb is it actually contains some enzymes 163 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:00,720 which break down the vinegar. 164 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,240 But listen to me very carefully. Yes, yes, I'm listening. 165 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:08,240 Only sprinkle the bicarb in one quick motion onto a tissue. 166 00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:12,000 Aaaargh! Direct contact will permanently discolour the sofa. 167 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,120 And I mean, that's just not going to recover. 168 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:15,240 You won't be able to fix it. 169 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:16,920 OK, hope that was helpful. 170 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:19,000 Squeaky Dyke over and out. OK, no, I'll just... 171 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:22,600 And please do not get the genius idea of hiding one stain 172 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,920 by staining the whole sofa, cos that's just never going to work. 173 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,000 Fuck you! Fuck you! 174 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,960 Please like and subscribe. Bye! 175 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,120 Oh... Oh... 176 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:37,720 HE GROANS 177 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,200 Noooo! 178 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,200 Aaaaaargh! 179 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,760 Aaaargh... 180 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,720 HE TYPES 181 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,680 Aaaaaargh! 182 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:17,840 TRANQUIL MUSIC 183 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,280 Oh... 184 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:39,760 Mm. 185 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,520 DISTANT VOICE: Jamma... 186 00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:58,840 Jamma... 187 00:09:58,840 --> 00:09:59,960 TRANQUIL MUSIC FADES 188 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:02,960 Jamma... 189 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,160 Jamma! What have you done?! 190 00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:09,880 I can explain. Good luck finding a place to sleep tonight 191 00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:11,920 cos it ain't here. What, you're throwing me out? 192 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,360 Isaac is right - I have to be more boundaried with you 193 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:16,120 and...this is a boundary. 194 00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:17,400 I'll sort it before the exhibition. 195 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:18,480 Really? 196 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,680 The composition and then the background and the foreground, 197 00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:23,640 but it's an optical illusion, really... 198 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:25,760 Oh... How? 199 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:26,800 HE GASPS 200 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,760 HE GASPS SHARPLY 201 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:31,320 Don't you hide from me! 202 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:32,880 What is Guy doing here? 203 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,320 Oh, er... I text him from your phone. 204 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,400 What?! What happened to boundaries? 205 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,720 It's cute when I do it. 206 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:40,640 SHE GIGGLES Winnie! 207 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:05,280 Hello and welcome to this open-house exhibition. 208 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,000 Woo! 209 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:14,160 Er... As you can see, we are in the artist's abode, 210 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:18,160 but the artist himself will remain anonymous. 211 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:20,480 Why? 212 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:21,960 The artist, erm, er... 213 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:25,000 ..wants you to give honest feedback on these... 214 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,440 Nipples? Not nipples. 215 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,320 Mammary glands. Not mammary glands. 216 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:31,680 Areolas. No, definitely not areolas. 217 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:33,360 Breast-feeding. OK, stop guessing. 218 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,640 Are you the artist? 219 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,360 No. So, then, how do you know? 220 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,200 Er... I... I-I don't. 221 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,880 So they could be nipples? 222 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:45,080 Yeah. 223 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:48,000 CHATTER 224 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:52,200 OK, well, this artist does accept debit cards, credit cards, Amex... 225 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,600 Hello? 226 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:54,640 Erm... 227 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:05,720 Hello. 228 00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:08,400 Hi. What are you doing here? 229 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,040 Well, just here to support Isaac. 230 00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:12,240 Me too. 231 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:15,640 Yeah, I've just come in now cos I don't live here on the sofa. 232 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,400 Oh, right. Yeah. 233 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:18,680 That's my jacket. 234 00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:26,840 I'll just go put it back, then. Mm-hm. Yeah. 235 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:41,600 Get out! 236 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,680 Oh... These are paint pots. 237 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,040 How are you, anyway? 238 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:52,840 Oh, yeah. Good. Really good. 239 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,640 Yeah, you know, just having fun, doing my own thing. 240 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,600 Winnie says you're a performer now. 241 00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:59,600 Events entertainment facilitator. 242 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,920 Ah. Yeah, it's like, er, performance art, 243 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:03,720 but very balloon-based. 244 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:04,880 So, like a clown. 245 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,400 That's the technical term, I guess. 246 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:07,480 So, it's all worked out, then? 247 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:09,280 Yeah, definitely. Really well. 248 00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:10,560 Oh, good. You? 249 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:13,160 Yeah, good. Just, er, moved into a new house. 250 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,080 Do you have a spare room? What? Nothing. 251 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:17,040 And, erm, and I'm writing a book. 252 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,680 Ah. About what? 253 00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:20,920 Erm... It's about commitment... 254 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:24,800 ..in long-term relationships. 255 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,160 Ah... That's... That's good. Yeah. 256 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:32,760 I mean, it is definitely a nipple cos this is the same as my mole. 257 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:33,920 Oh, my God. 258 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:35,240 What? Huh? 259 00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:40,040 Why does everyone think they're nipples? 260 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,520 Pfft. People are so immature. 261 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:45,800 Oh! Oh, my God. She actually turned up. 262 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,840 Who? Maya Calatchi. Ah. 263 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,200 She's only the finest fine artist of our generation. 264 00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:51,520 Well, go and talk to her. 265 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:52,560 I... I can't. 266 00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:53,760 Oh, my gosh. Come. 267 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,800 I'll be your Winnie-man. OK. 268 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:57,080 Smile. Eee... 269 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:01,400 WINNIE CLEARS THROAT 270 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:04,680 WHACK! Hi, I'm Maya Calatchi. 271 00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:05,920 No. No, you're Maya Calatchi. 272 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,400 We're all Maya Calatchi. 273 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,800 Calatch-me if you can! Ha-ha! 274 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,040 I'm such a huge fan. I absolutely adore your work. 275 00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:16,720 I think it's neo, erm... classic...liberal... 276 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,960 ..m-m-meta...metatarsal... metaphysical, erm... 277 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,200 ..colon...post-colonoscopy... 278 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:23,800 I think it's so cool. 279 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,760 Are you an artist? Yes. 280 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:26,800 Yeah, I'm an artist. 281 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,720 And I'm his muse. What? Hmm? 282 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,400 So, what do you think about this garbage? 283 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:34,040 Garb... Garbage? 284 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,440 Erm... It's provocative garbage. 285 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:41,040 I think the artist is just trying to elicit the cyclical nature of... 286 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:42,360 Nipples. Nipples. 287 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:45,200 OK, I'm going to stop you there, Maya Calatchi. 288 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:49,120 I find these paintings deeply erotic and Isaac is... 289 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,960 I'm not into them. 290 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,760 Er, yeah. Garbage. Shit. 291 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,880 Where is this so-called artist? 292 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:58,480 He's an enigma. Some say he's like Banksy. 293 00:14:58,480 --> 00:14:59,960 More like Wanksy. 294 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,800 The only piece in here of note... 295 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,120 ..is that one. 296 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,680 So Duchampian. 297 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:11,520 Oh... 298 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:16,880 Oh. 299 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,440 I like your jumper. 300 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:19,600 Oh. Erm... 301 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,120 Er... Oh. Er, right. 302 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,320 Erm... Well, it's... 303 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,000 I ca... I can't... 304 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,400 Well, it's... I... 305 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,360 It's a jumper. 306 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:31,440 Hmm. 307 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,760 OK... JAMMA CHUCKLES 308 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:38,040 What? What was that? 309 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,720 What was what? The hottest guy in the room just came up to you 310 00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:43,920 and stroked your bicep, and you told him your jumper was a jumper. 311 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:46,360 Well, it is a jumper. He was flirting with you. 312 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,480 Jamma, he wasn't flirting with me. 313 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,560 Wow. Yeah. Where's your game? 314 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:52,480 What do you mean, what game? What happened? 315 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,360 What do you think happened, Jamma? 316 00:15:56,720 --> 00:16:00,200 Listen, erm, I'm going to go because, er, 317 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,360 I have writing deadlines and... 318 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,840 Yeah. I'm sorry. That was... Erm... 319 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,360 GUY SIGHS Sorry. Excuse me. 320 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,480 Ugh! Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Oh, my God! 321 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,360 I know how to get a stain out. 322 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:19,040 The chaotic staining, the bleeding hues... 323 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,840 It's obviously conveying the fractured psyche of someone 324 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:26,000 yearning for a love that is now out of reach. 325 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,040 Hmm. Hmm. 326 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:28,920 I want to buy it. 327 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:29,960 What? What? 328 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:33,800 Now I understand this vision, the artist intrigues me. 329 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,360 It is I. 330 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,560 I am the artist. 331 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:41,520 You are the artist? Yeah. Yeah. 332 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,640 So you are the one behind the nipples? 333 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,320 Ah, they're not nipples. 334 00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:46,920 So you were lying to me? 335 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:52,160 No. I hate it when artists don't stand by their own work. 336 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:53,320 Then I stand by it. 337 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,960 You shouldn't. It's shit. 338 00:16:54,960 --> 00:17:00,480 Oh. You know, I would respect them more if they WERE nipples. 339 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:02,400 No, no, wait. 340 00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:03,960 They are. 341 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,000 Ah! 342 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,120 Look at the mole! 343 00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,960 Huh. Oh, wow. Thanks. That is my favourite jumper. 344 00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,800 Mine too. 345 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:14,840 Mm. 346 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:17,960 What are you doing after this? 347 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,920 Grouting my new bathroom. 348 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:21,000 On a Saturday night? 349 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,720 Yeah, well, it...needs to be dry in time for my bath on Sunday. 350 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:25,880 We need to get you laid. 351 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,240 You are unbearable. 352 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:28,840 I know. That is another paint pot. 353 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,480 Er... Oh, my God, I'm sor... 354 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,320 I'll do the stain thing again. Yeah. 355 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:38,000 Got eyes on him? Mm-hm. 356 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,760 Right, now, you wait until he's looking at you... 357 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,920 Right, mm-hm. ..and then you give him the gay gaze. 358 00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:44,120 The gay ga... The what? The gay gaze. 359 00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:46,320 It's when you hold eye contact for a bit too long 360 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:48,320 and if he holds it back, it's on. 361 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,000 All right. Ready? 362 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,360 Is he looking? 363 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:52,960 Yep. OK, do it now. 364 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,440 Eye contact. Go. 365 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,560 SULTRY MUSIC 366 00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:01,960 # Do you miss me tonight? 367 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,720 # Are you feeling... # 368 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:05,040 The fuck is that? 369 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,240 What do you mean?! You told me to hold eye contact! 370 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,920 You're like a basilisk! He's going to report you! 371 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,200 Oh, my God. Turn around. Oh, God! 372 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,440 Right, OK, after three, turn back round. 373 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:15,920 If he's still looking, it's go time. 374 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:17,080 I'm not sure about this, Jamma. 375 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:18,880 One, two, three, go! Oh... 376 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:20,160 Oh, sweet Jesus. 377 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:21,640 Hi. 378 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:22,920 I'm Lloyd. 379 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,760 Hi, Lloyd. Yeah, this is Guy. 380 00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:28,680 Hello. 381 00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:30,080 You into nipples? 382 00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:31,160 Excuse me? 383 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:33,560 The paintings. Oh, erm... Yeah. 384 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:34,920 So you have sensitive nipples? 385 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:36,000 Er... Sorry? 386 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,480 He does. You? 387 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:38,720 Nah, they do nothing for me. 388 00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:40,280 GUY SCOFFS That's not what I remember. 389 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,240 Yeah, sorry, I lied. 390 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:43,560 Are you two a couple? 391 00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:48,040 I have a thing for couples. 392 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,400 We're actually, erm... 393 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:52,920 Yes, we are...a couple. 394 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:55,480 That's hot. 395 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:57,880 What are you doing? 396 00:18:57,880 --> 00:18:59,600 I'm helping you out. 397 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:00,800 Ever had a threesome? 398 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,080 Oh... No, my husband is very old-fashioned. 399 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,480 No... No, I'm not. You can come back to mine if you want. 400 00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:06,960 Do you have a spare room? Yes, I do. 401 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,800 Er... Just... Can I have a second? 402 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,000 Yeah. Sorry. Thank you. Do you mind? 403 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,920 Thanks. What is happening right now? 404 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:14,200 He wants a threesome! 405 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,040 Oh, yeah. No, I got that bit. This is perfect. 406 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:19,080 You get to have some actual fun in your life and I get a place to stay. 407 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:20,640 What, you haven't got a place to stay? 408 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,160 You're focusing on the wrong thing. 409 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:23,720 Come on, it'll be weird. 410 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,040 It'll help you get over me. 411 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,200 Well, who...who said I wasn't over you? 412 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,760 Are you? Yeah. Definitely. 413 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,640 Good. Then it won't be weird, will it? 414 00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:34,280 Jamma, I'm not going to have a threesome. 415 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,320 I can't believe we're having a threesome. 416 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,400 I can't believe he's got underfloor heating. 417 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,360 Do you reckon I could use his bath? 418 00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,560 Make yourselves at home. 419 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:43,640 Oh, we will. 420 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,360 JAMMA GASPS 421 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:48,600 Are you seeing this? What, all the sex toys? 422 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:52,040 No, the sofa is the same as Winnie's, but brand-new. 423 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:54,240 Why the fuck are you two still dressed? 424 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,840 Sorry, Zacky boy. 425 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,800 You did say you wanted honest feedback. 426 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,560 Yeah, not THAT honest. Hmm. 427 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:16,880 At least we sold the sofa. 428 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,080 Sorry. 429 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,400 I don't have a fractured psyche. 430 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,680 Everyone has a fractured psyche, Isaac. 431 00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:28,040 Maybe we just need to figure out 432 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:31,240 what it is you're actually trying to say, you know? 433 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,400 Other than the fact you're completely obsessed with me. 434 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,240 That's not what I'm trying to say. 435 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,680 OK. Tell your subconscious that. 436 00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:43,000 SHE CHUCKLES 437 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,080 Say something domestic. 438 00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:51,640 Domestic? Hmm. 439 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:54,560 Something couply. 440 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,160 Oh. OK, look, erm, you know, we're not actually a couple. 441 00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,320 We broke up. Yeah. 442 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,760 Yeah, that's good, that's good. 443 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,480 No, no, that wasn't dirty talk. Genuinely, we've broken up. 444 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,120 Oh, yeah? I bet the break-up sex was amazing. 445 00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:07,720 I don't think we actually had any... 446 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:09,640 Yeah, it was. It was really sexy. 447 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:11,800 I love break-up sex. Oh, God. 448 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:13,320 So raw. Mm-hm. 449 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:14,760 So broken. 450 00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,400 Oh. Tell him how he hurt you. 451 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,320 Sorry? 452 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,160 Did he break your heart? 453 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:22,840 Yeah, yeah, he did. 454 00:21:22,840 --> 00:21:24,960 Did I? I don't know. Sorry, are we still doing dirty talk? 455 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,480 Shh. Stay open, yeah? 456 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,360 Yeah. Stay vulnerable. 457 00:21:28,360 --> 00:21:30,360 It was you who finished it with me. That's it, that's it. 458 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,080 Well, only because you wanted me to. That's it. 459 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:33,560 No, I wanted commitment. 460 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:34,960 You're the one who didn't want to do the work. 461 00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,440 Well, relationships shouldn't be work. 462 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,680 That is categorically not true, Jamma. 463 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,120 Is there anything you're afraid to say? 464 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:41,160 There's nothing I'm afraid to say. 465 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,920 Say it. Well, no, I can't. 466 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:43,960 Just say it. 467 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,160 God, it's been a... 468 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:50,040 ..really shitty six months, Jamma. 469 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,680 You know that? 470 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:55,320 Just as I'm getting my life in order, you decide to text me. 471 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:56,960 How do you think that makes me feel? 472 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,560 I... 473 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:01,800 I'm sorry. 474 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:05,880 I've really missed you. 475 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:08,560 WHISPERS: Fuck. 476 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,040 Well, yeah, I've missed you too. 477 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:17,200 Ugh! 478 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:19,760 Ugh... 479 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,440 LLOYD GRUNTS 480 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,240 LLOYD SIGHS Wow. 481 00:22:29,480 --> 00:22:31,200 You two are really good at roleplay. 482 00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:33,480 Hmm. 483 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,200 WATER RUNS 484 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:45,960 Jamma, have you seen my pants? 485 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:47,960 Your pants? Yeah, the blue ones. 486 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,120 No. 487 00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:51,760 So...back to your place? 488 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:55,920 Obviously that was a joke. 489 00:22:55,920 --> 00:22:57,800 Well, where ARE you going to stay? 490 00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,240 Oh, I just, erm... 491 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,160 WHISPERS: I might need your help with something. 492 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:09,960 How? 493 00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:14,000 Long story, but I can never go back to Gravesend. 494 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,520 Welcome back, cheeky boy. 495 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:17,200 Oh, thank you, cheeky girl. 496 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,000 Oh, sleepy time now. Sleepy time. 497 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:21,280 Night-night. 498 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:23,640 HE SIGHS 499 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:32,680 HE INHALES 34456

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