All language subtitles for Любовь с первого взгляда.720p. Ton_En

(Snoring)

(Alarm beeps)

(Megan) Shit! Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

(Alarm beeps louder)

Pa“

(Radio Voice 1) Looking for
homemade, fresh-baked goods?

Come to Terry's Country
Bake Shop in Redhook.

Home of Family
Circle's magazine--

(Radio Voice 2) ...with it's
stunning natural beauty,

Fiji is the ideal holiday
tropical paradise for couples.

(Rick Raines) Well Dave, while
we didn't get the white

Christmas we were hoping for,
Mother-nature may have a few

tricks up her sleeve.
We're getting forecasts of a

hurricane-force blizzard
coming tonight--

(Door opens)

(Faiza) Oh Megan.
Right where I left you.

How adorable.

(Megan) You caught
me red-handed.

I'm just such a sucker for
the classic American novel.

Bad day?

No. I'm just exhausted.

Yeah, I know.
Me too, right.

Maybe it's time to get a job.

You're telling me...

Yes. I am.

I look for fulfilling
work all the time.

I just happen to be taking a
break whenever you're around.

It's like studying
when Mom is watching.

Did you talk to your
parents about the lease?

Because the deadline's on
the first and Cedric is

willing to take over if you--

Yeah, I haven't made a decision
on that yet, per se...

How did you not
make a decision yet?

I mean, what did you do today?
What did you do this week?

I did Christmas.

And I also started
online dating...

Seriously?

Yes. Yeah, shut up...

(Faiza) No, I'm proud.

Meet anyone?

I said started.
I'm not a machine.

Oh, and I also really like
that idea of going dutch on

principle except, you know,
I don't have any money

so it's kind of more of
an intellectual exercise.

Hey, where are you going?
You just got home!

Cedric's friend is having this
birthday thing at this bar.

So then you're not
cooking dinner?

Do you want to come?

Well it kind of depends
on the cake situation.

Well the birthday boy is
single. He's not the brightest

but he's pretty, so he's
perfect for a one night stand.

Do you think I'm ready?

Who cares? I'm ready
for you to be ready.

I mean seriously, how long
has it been? Aren't you horny?

(Cedric) Now see, I knew you
two little freaks have these

types of conversations
when I'm not around.

I knew it!
Especially you.

- Hi, Cedric.
- I knew it. I caught you.

Well yes - no - I'm
horny but I'm also...

somewhat lazy, sometimes.

So the two counteract,
like dueling wizards--

Not anymore.
Tonight is the night.

(Megan) Faiza's setting me up.

I'm thinking Ben.

I like that.
That's cool.

Ben...

Pa“

(Cedric) What up?

(Bouncer) ID please.

I'm a grown.

No. I'm sorry,
you look kinda young.

Take it like a
compliment, alright.

(Megan) Shit!

How did you lose your ID again?
You don't go anywhere!

Okay, wait, look.
I am old enough, I swear.

Do you see that?
Right there? It moves.

(Faiza) Oh my god. Megan!

(Bouncer) Hey, ID.

(Cedric) Ah shit...

Awkward...

(Chris) Hey...

I heard you're doing good.

From who?

I don't know.
I just said that to be nice.

Oh.

Chris, I think this girl
is trying to get by you.

Oh, no. This is Becca.

Becca, this is Faiza
and Cedric and Megan.

Megan and I, we were
together for a bit.

Is that the abridged version?
Just like that?

(Bouncer) You two,
coming in or what?

Nice to meet you.

Good seeing you, Megan.

I don't even want to
hear you guys say it.

Listen, if we knew he
was going to be here,

I would have warned you.

This is a serious pattern.
I'm regressing.

Last year I was in college
and I was Chris's fiance

and I drank wine in restaurants.

And now I'm home all day in my
underwear, and I'm nobody's

nothing, and I can't
even get into a bar.

What is happening to me?
I'm going backwards!

I am Benjamin Button-ing!

He moved on.
So what! So can you.

I say take a cab home,
get on that dating site,

pick a cute guy. No drinks.
No dinner. Just a hook-up.

You can't order it, it's
not Edible Arrangements!

Uh, yeah. You can. You have
tits and the internet.

Cedric, back me up.

Internet. Tits.

(Faiza) Desperate times
call for desperate measures.

Go get them tiger.
You got this.

Right?

Pa“

Nope...

Okay...

Fuck it...

He moved on, so can I.

Hey...

Keeping it lowercase...

Keeping it casual...

Really?

Okay, come on...

The bar is so low...
It's so very low...

I sound like a computer virus.

Okay...

...hang out?

Wait!
Oh shit.

Safety first...

(Ringing)

(Alec) Hey there.

Oh man, I was just so sure I was
gonna see a close-up of a penis.

Uh yeah, me too.

Wow.
You are really pretty.

Really pretty--
anyway, so this is me.

Soak it in, and this
is my apartment.

As you can see, it's
a magical wonderland.

So... do I pass the test or...?

Uhm...

Yes. I think so.

I've actually never
done this before.

- Me neither.
- No, like-- I know...

I know that people say that,
but I really haven't. Nothing.

I know. Me neither.

Oh...good...

Okay, well I guess then
I will see you soon?

That is awesome-- I mean,
that is cool. Sweet.

I will... that will be a very
nice thing to happen, Megan.

I will see you soon.

Okay...

(Alec) Okay- Bye-

I can't believe I'm schlepping
to Brooklyn for a booty call.

That is fucking scandalous.

(Alec) I don't think
it shut off right...

No! No, the TV!

(Alarm sounds)

(Alarm sounds loudly)

Alright, stay calm.

Is that a burglar alarm?

Did you sleep with your coat on?

Yeah. I get cold.
Get the intruder!

(Voice) Alarm reset.

False alarm.

That's so weird... It's a
bummer it woke us up though,

but I should get going...

I had a great time.

Thank you...

It's perfect for
what I needed, so--

(Snoring)

Awesome...

(Clicking)

Pa“

Ambitious.

(Alarm clock plays music)

That's some alarm you got there.

Yeah, I don't even
remember even setting it...

...for 11:04.

Weird.

Uh, morning, Megan.

Good morning, Alex.

It's Alec actually.

Yeah...

- What'd I say?

- Alex.

Do your way, one more time.

Alec.

It's got a 'C' at the end of it.

It's okay.

Gotcha. Sorry.

Well...

I had a blast.

So thank you for having me.

You're welcome. My only
concern is how we're gonna

sugarcoat this when we tell
our grandkids how we met.

We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.

So do you want breakfast or do
you normally just take off?

"Normally"?

Huh?

You said "Normally".
Like I do this so much that

I'd have a normal and an
abnormal version of it.

That's not what I meant.

I have no idea how
often you do this...

I told you last night that
this is my first time doing

anything remotely like this.

Yeah but... come on.

Come on.
What?

Megan, do you expect me
to believe this was your

first one night stand ever?

Yes! The only reason
that I am here is because

my roommate peer pressured
the shit out of me.

She "sexiled" you,
or whatever, right?

Exactly, and yet I am sensing
some distinctly judge-y vibes

coming from your side of the
bed, which is odd considering

the team work involved.

There's no judge-y vibes coming
from this side of the bed.

Honestly, I really
admire what you did.

I wish more girls
were that forward.

"Forward." There we go
with the slut thing again.

I'm not calling you a slut!
I'm calling you a girl...

who went over to a stranger's
house at midnight.

If only there was a word
for someone who does that.

Wow! You know what - screw you!

That was a joke.
I'm sorry.

You invited me here,
just remember that.

That's not quite
how it happened...

but it doesn't matter. Look, can
we please just eat breakfast?

I make oatmeal with little
smiley faces made out of jelly.

And it's not slutty at all.

You know what, save your
oatmeal. I think I'm gonna take

off. But thanks for having
me, it was awesome to get

to know you.
Have a nice life, Alex.

Okay, cool, well I'm just gonna
assume that time was on purpose,

because I told you
my name is Alec with a "C"

like a dozen times.

It wasn't on purpose,
but don't worry.

You just have a stupid name.

Okay! Cool! Well bye, it was
lovely having sex with you!

Aw. I wish I could say the same.

Sounded like you had a
pretty good time last night.

You know what? Don't believe
everything you hear.

Especially when it's something
like, "hey Alec, cool name."

What is that? It sounds
like the first draft of a name!

Okay. Fuck you, Megan.

Fuck you back.

(Alarm sounds)

Okay...

What?

(Kicks door)
Oww!! Shit!

(Alec) Imagine a sleeping
little angel-faced angel...

No, I'm the angel... and
this angel is being woken

up by a fucking junkyard
dog in a hot girl body!

Okay, and that's my morning.
Look I can't--

Mom, I'll
call you back...

Hi there.
It's Alec, right?

What is it, a
little snow outside?

Yeah? Hmm.

Well New Yorkers - I don't want
to say you guys are pussies but

seriously, you should see what a
winter in Minnesota looks like.

I'll get you a cab.

Holy shit, that
is a lot of snow!

Wow...

(Rick Raines) Hey folks,
I hope you aren't planning on

going anywhere anytime soon
because let me tell you

something; it
ain't gonna happen, okay.

We are seeing record snowfalls!
This thing came in overnight

and has New York City in a
total whiteout! We're talking

about tens of thousands
of stranded holiday travellers.

The entire city transit
system is shut down.

The streets have not
even been plowed!

The mayor's office is urging
people to stay indoors and to

avoid all non-essential travel.

So get cozy folks, because it's
going to be a long weekend...

Faiza, you have to do something.
I cannot stay here.

This is the worst.

(Faiza) Sweetie?
Are you even watching the news?

There's nothing we can do.

(Cedric)See how nice this is?
This could be every day.

But Cedric's an E.M.T.
Can't he like...

helicopter me out of
here, or something?

Whaa!

Is that Cedric?
ls Cedric laughing at me?

(Faiza) No, no, no, no...
Just make the best of it and

we'll rescue you as soon as
we can, okay? I promise.

No, no, no, no!

I would not be here if
you did not slut me out!

Sorry, I can't hear you.
(Laughs)

- I think the snow is
messing with the-

...Satellites!
Okay, bye!

Faiza!

(Cedric) Grab that ass!

(Rick Raines) This storm is
literally going to dump all

over the tri-state area.

This is what I deserve.
It's penance.

Wow... That is officially
the worst review my

oatmeal has ever received.

It's what I get
for slutting it up.

So you really think that
God made this blizzard to

punish you for being slutty?

No. I don't think God did it.
That's ridiculous.

I think my grandmother did.
I just don't know how.

Right. That makes sense.

Well, I would prefer not to
spend the next twenty-four hours

in an uncomfortable silence
with you, so why don't we just

pretend that we never had sex?
It didn't happen.

And then we can pretend that
its just weather and not your

passive-aggressive
magical grandma.

No. That's like trying
to get the toothpaste

back into the tube. You
can't do it. It is out there.

I've seen your penis...
You've implied I'm a slut.

Those are big things.

Did you just call my penis big?

No, I did not. I called the
implication of your penis big.

Well, it's still nice to hear.

You can't just erase the fact
that two people had sex.

I think you underestimate us.

Hi, I'm Alec.

I'm Megan.

Megan, it's very
nice to meet you.

What do you do for a living?

Oh Jesus, that?
That's what we're doing? No!

Seriously? Already?
We just started...

Okay...

Wow, how the time flies.

Alright, we'll try again.
But there are rules.

No upsetting questions.

I didn't realize it was one.

Well now you do.

Okay, I am trying very hard
to think of a question that

could in no way be
construed as upsetting.

Do you like dogs?

Perfectly
non-upsetting question.

Good job.
Yes, I like dogs.

Me too.

I have to use the restroom.

That's allowed.

Pa“

What?

Damaged...

You do not know me!

Do you possibly have headphones?

Thank you.

Uh, Megan?

What happened?

What happened?
You happened! What is that?

God...

(Alec) Don't worry about it,
I'll take care of it.

No no. You step away, you
are not cleaning that up.

You will just hold it over
my head; go to your room.

I can handle this.

Gross...

Gross...

...it just keeps coming...

Hey, you gotta turn the knob!

No, I mean the punishments
from the universe.

It's a flood.
It's practically biblical!

Where the fuck is your plunger?

It should be right
next to the, um...

Ah shit! I let my buddy
borrow my plunger. Dammit!

That is why you never let
your friends borrow plungers!

There's like a thousand reasons.

Look, just shut the door.
I'll deal with it later.

Hey, I just thought of an idea
that could fix everything.

Do you wanna get high?

Yeah, me neither.
That was just a test.

Didn't know if you were a cop...

Yep, I'm going to do it.
I'm going to get high.

You don't care, do you?

Your apartment.

I'm warning you though:

you're about to think
that I'm really cool.

My buddy made it.

I don't know if you can tell,
but he smokes a lot of pot.

I try to encourage
his creativity.

No. I think it fits you.

(Bubbling)

Sorry, I'd open a window, but...

you know...

It is a mystery why you
don't have a girlfriend.

Hey! I'm a catch.

I'll bet you a hundred and
fifty bucks you'll die alone.

Well, my future
smoking hot widow

will gladly accept your money.

I'm just saying you could afford
to take the edge off a little

bit. It could be good for you.
You should embrace it.

I've gotten high before...

Not with me.

Fine.

It better make you funnier.

Yeah...
Smoke that shit.

Pa“

So earlier you asked what
I did for a living and I

kinda got a little feisty.

You? Feisty?
I can't picture it.

Well, the answer is...

I am less-than-employed
at the moment.

I don't do anything. See, last
year I was able to say "I'm a

pre-med student", which sounds
kind of impressive. Right?

But then I graduated and I'm not
allowed to say it anymore...

I think your profile
said pre-med student.

Yeah, I just haven't
changed it yet...

Didn't you make the
profile like two days ago?

That's weird...

What is this, like
an interrogation?

You got something to hide?

No, I just-- I think I'm
just in that limbo phase.

It's not like your degree
has instructions on it.

Well -

Boom! Home run!
Twins win the World Series!

Well, your degree did say
"pre-med" so you would think

that something follows that.

(Grinding)

What was that?

So...

Why did you major
in pre-med if you didn't

want to go into medicine?

I always thought I'd change
it, but then I graduated.

Whoops.

Wait, how does that happen?

Easier than you would think.

What do you do for a living?

I work at a bank.

Wow...
Fancy. Banking.

No, just "bank".
I'm an assistant manager.

How does someone like you get
into something that's so...

Wildly exciting?

Yes!

Yes. I don't know.

You know like when you're
seventeen you just want to get

out there and show the world
everything that you have to

offer, because you have
all this stuff to say?

I don't know what
that feels like...

I don't know.

Never felt like I needed a
job had to define my life.

Do you like your job?

Since when are you supposed
to like your job? I think

our generation catastrophically
misunderstands that.

Interesting.

I forgot the food.
I'm going back for it.

No, no, no.
Please, allow me.

Now I am impressed.

It's like a butler
that's also a rug.

For the man who has
everything except a rug.

You know, I used to
smoke back in college.

But one summer, I walked in on
my parents smoking out of a

vaporizer and
watching Italian porn.

Oh my God...

Which is kind of the greatest
anti-drugs PSA of all time.

That is awesome!
Kinda gross, but...

- It is funny.
- Growing up...

all my friends' parents
were divorced, you know,

but mine, they were
just always so happy.

They were just so
disgustingly happy.

It's a lot to live up to.

I think it kinda messed me up.

My parents are
still married too.

Yeah? Good for them.

Yeah, when I was a kid I
used to wish that they'd get

divorced because I was
jealous of all my friends

who got to have two Christmases.

(Music plays)

Nuh-uh.

- You should turn this off.
- You don't like this song?

Oh, no. I love this song.

It's gonna make me wanna dance.

Yes. You should.

- No.
- Yes!

Trust me.

Oh, are you like a bad dancer?

Oh, no.

No, no, no. I am an epic
dancer, but you see...

See, if you see me dance
you'll follow me around

like a little puppy dog,
be embarrassing for us both.

So you have to stay here.

For your own safety -
trust me on that one.

Okay, um...

So I would just like to...

frame the next question in the
context that my diet doesn't

normally consist of junk food.
With that in mind...

Hypothetically...
- Yeah.

- If one were to need to
make use of a bathroom...

how might one do that

in these special
circumstances? Stop smiling.

That's actually
a great question.

(Bonks on door)

Are these your creepy neighbors?

Are you the creepy neighbor?

You're totally the
creepy neighbor.

Hey, Mrs. Lo Pan?
It's Alec. I just really

need to borrow your plunger.
It's kind of an emergency.

That wouldn't happen to be
their mailbox, would it?

Oh you know what, they're
probably away for the holidays.

(Chuckles)

You did not just laugh.

It's kind of funny.

Do you see this face?
This is my panic face.

Do we understand?

- Yeah. We do...
- Okay. Good.

Have no fear. The trusty coat
hanger is hereto save the day.

Aw shucks, I bet you say
that to all the girls.

We're kinda on a clock here...

There's a Plan B, but it might
sound kind of out there...

We are not getting high again!

Yes. We are.
No, I'm just kidding.

The windows of this building
don't really work right.

So we can go out the window,
climb up to the roof go to the

other side and then get in
through the Lo Pan's fire escape

Okay.

Maybe just you should do this.

I'm not breaking
and entering alone!

The whole reason we're
doing this is for you!

Why do you have that?

My grandmother left it to me.
All style complaints go to her.

I see...

sweet.

Let's do this.

Pa“

You couldn't just
shit in the sink, huh!

What's wrong?

It's frozen shut!
It won't budge!

We gotta go back.

(Megan)
There is no turning back!

(Shatters)

(Alec) What the fuck?
Are you kidding me?

Hey, are you fucking insane? I'm
going to have to pay for that!

I had to!
They will totally understand.

Look, you are a ruiner.

I am not a ruiner!

Sorry, I gotta pee. "I had to!"
You understand.

- No, no, no, no--
- You understand.

You are an asshole
in so many languages!

You understand.

Oh yeah, this pee feels so good.

Whoops. Sorry. False alarm.

Yeah'?
(Punch)

Oh god...

(Door opens)

Just so you know, I'm giving
you the silent treatment too.

I just didn't know if you could
tell and I wanted you to know.

Hey, I think we've solved the
mystery of the clogged toilet.

Wait - what?
No, I told you I would do that!

- What is this?
- It's nothing.

What are you doing?
That's gross.

Megan, this was in the toilet.
That's gross! Okay?

If you had a problem about the
reading material you could

have just said something.

Pa“

It was just some stupid article.

It wasn't stupid though.
It was spot-on.

How pathetic is that?
It's so pathetic...

Do you really think my
name sounds like the

first draft of a name?

Yeah...

Like a good first
draft, you know...

Like it's really close.

And did you really fake it?

- What are you talking about?
- Last night.

You know, when you were making
what I would describe as

banshee-esque screams
of pleasure and then this

morning you called into
question their authenticity...

(Laughs)
What happened to like

"hey, let's just pretend
like we never had sex?"

Yeah, I'm over that.

Why are you even thinking
about this again?

I haven't stopped
thinking about it.

Alright see, I just said those
things to hurt your feelings

because you hurt mine, you know?

Yeah, I don't really buy
that because I think women

are most honest actually
when they're trying to

hurt somebody's feelings.

Fine, but this can't
be the first time a

woman's faked it for you.

Definitely was.

You made your ex come, huh?

Yep. Pretty much all the time.

Yeah? That often?

And did she come
before or after you?

Usually we would
come simultaneously.

At the same time.
I'm telling you. It's true.

- Bullshit.
- That's mean.

No, it's nothing to be ashamed
of either, it's just really hard

to do. For guys it's so easy,
it's just - you know.

It's just friction.

But for girls there's a whole
lot of intangibles down there.

And it's bad that we fake it.
It's not good for you,

it doesn't help us.
It doesn't help the next girl...

Oh, but you're a
really great kisser.

You've you that
down, it's just...

...the other stuff.
But I had a good time...

Okay.

Let's talk about this,
so-- what...

What did I do wrong?

Okay, it's not about what
you did wrong, it's just how

people sync up. You know,
how they fit together.

- And we didn't sync up well?
- You think we did?

Well it's the first time,
it's awkward. You don't know

what to say; you don't know what
you're touching. It's awkward.

It's not like that changes
after the first time.

Well, I mean eventually they
learn what you like more,

but-- You can never
talk about it openly because

guys are so sensitive.

Suggesting just the tiniest
thing and it freaks them out

because then they think you've
been thinking that every time,

and then they get mad that you
didn't say something earlier and

you didn't say something earlier
because it would have been too

soon. So the only thing that
there is to do is train them

to recognize different
levels of moans without

them realizing you're doing
it. ...In my experience.

Wow.

It works.

Or maybe it's just me.

No. it's like camp,
you know?

You go and you have to do
this activity with a partner

but you can't say
anything so you're just

stumbling your way through it.

Yeah. It's just like camp.

- What camp did you go to?

Holy shit! I just had a
great idea. Do you feel it?

The two of us? It's a pretty
good opportunity right now.

What is?

This... Right here...

- I'm not...

You don't get it? Okay--

Look, listen to
me; so we're trapped.

We're like this incredible
experiment right now, we're lab

rats; we've had sex, but we
don't have feelings for each

other, right? And as soon as
that snow clears, you're gone.

Like Mexico-gone.

We don't know any
of the same peoples,

so we're probably never going
to see each other again.

Yes.

So we can use this time to be
honest with each other, and we

can give each other advice and
constructive criticism to make

each other better lovers for the
next person who comes along.

(Laughs)

Okay, firstly: you cannot
pull off the word "lovers".

I think I can.

Secondly: What you are
proposing is potentially--

it's a horrible-- it sucks!
It's a bad idea-- don't-- what?

Are you kidding me? This
is the best idea I've ever had!

That's so sad!

Look, Megan, listen; you
can't just drop a bomb on me

like "hey, maybe you've never
made a girl come in your entire

fucking life" and then say you
don't want to talk about it.

I wanna talk!

Guys can't handle constructive
criticism about that stuff.

- You'll get all pissy-- -

No. I promise you I wont
get pissy if you don't.

What do you mean if I don't?

Oh did you think this was a
one way street, or something?

You think you have
pointers for me?

Well... yeah. A thing
or two crossed my mind.

But- I guess you'll never know.
Will you.

Jesus. Fine.
Alright, I bite. Go.

Okay, great. This is good.

Now, this is not just you,
I want to make that clear.

Okay, the lights off things
- what the fuck is that?

If the lights are off, like you
requested and I so gentlemanly

obliged, I could be having sex
with anything - literally!

But I don't want to be
having sex with anything.

I wanna be having sex with you.

Not you specifically,
but the universal you.

Lights on? Wow...

All guys feel that way?

I can only speak for me
and my friends, but yeah.

Duh! Girls hear that more than
hello. That's what you've got?

- All I'm saying is that we are
young-- and we are hot looking

people and we should embrace
that shit while we have it.

Alright, fine! Guys like
to do it with the lights on.

Noted. Awesome.
Shocked. What else you got?

- Do you want more?
- Do you have more?

Yeah, I do. Okay...

What else do you do
that I don't like...

Okay, yeah, you do this thing
where you stand up from the bed

and you kind of turn halfway
around and then you get

undressed as fast as you can all
at once and it's like you're

getting ready for a
physical or something.

I have never had any complaints
about how rapidly I undress.

Most guys like naked-me.

I love naked-you. Naked-you is
awesome to look at. And touch...

What I mean is that you could
make the getting naked part a

little, like...

...then you take your
bra off the side...

...you could even imaginary
pole - just bring it.

Smack it. Bring it down--
Bring it up.

Do the little ass thing
with your underwear.

"I dropped something -
my panties." Flick it up.

You could catch it.

Then I don't care
what you do with it.

Actually that wasn't terrible.

You should put
on heels and try it.

Yeah, you're right.
This is weird.

No. No. No.
Man up. Finish.

Just get ready for an onslaught.

Okay, that definitely didn't
sound like it was in the vein of

constructive criticism but I
will continue, nonetheless.

Look, all I'm saying is
that guys like undressing.

And you could make
it more of a... thing.

Okay. Lastly, when I was inside
of you, you started doing this

thing-- you started helping
yourself a little bit and it

kind of made me feel
like I was being... benched.

Second string...

Noted. Duly noted.
Is it my turn?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Don't ever do that.

That's the international thing.

Okay, I don't know who
first taught guys to do the

"alphabet with your tongue"
thing, but it kind of makes

me feel like I'm Helen Keller
being fucked by her teacher.

And that is not a
fantasy of yours?

There was a moment
- one moment-

during foreplay in which
I was maybe close to coming.

And I believe I subtly
pointed this out to you.

Do you remember what
it was that I said?'

"I'm close to coming."

Yes! And then after I said
that you switched up what you

were doing. Just what was
your thought process there?

Honestly, I thought I'd
do a finishing move.

Kind of like a
Mortal Kombat thing:

"Finish her!"
and like really hit it...

I thought I was doing
something like that. It's not?

Next time... Just keep on doing
what it was that you're doing

because you got her to third
and you can get her home.

Okay.

You waited for me to undress
you, which is unnecessary and

also a little weird because I'm
not your morn tucking you into

bed. You kept trying to give me
a hickie, which nobody likes.

And you went way too fast, like
you were drilling me for oil.

You know, like
my whole body was like--

And then - you did find my
G-spot, but kind of like

a drive-by, which was cool,
but then you kept going--

and I so wanted
you to stop.

Oh - okay. Alright.

When a girl is
helping herself...

that's a good fucking thing.

My ex was weird about
that too, and it's just...

It's not like we're competing
against on some awesome

erotic Japanese game show,
we are having sex.

Like, embrace the team spirit.

Oh and last night, when we were
done, you retreated to the

other side of the bed like
you planted a bomb down there.

So next time, just hold
the girl, count to ten,

but it'd go a long way, that
one. You can thank me later.

Other than those things you were
a perfectly adequate lover.

Adequate, wow...
Thank you...

Adequate is not really...

See, I knew this would happen.
I told you this was a bad idea.

It's a fine idea.
I'm good.

I'm like Teflon, baby.
Nothing sticks to me.

We should totally check out the
news though for some updates.

(Rick Raines) As you can see,
this storm is showing no signs

of slowing down! I want you to
look at something-- Behind me is

the Empire State Building,
but you can't see it.

All you can see is snow.

I bet you a hundred and fifty
bucks Rick Raines

is fully erect right now.

(Laughs)

That's funny.

I'm hearing that's
actually not where the

Empire State Building is...

Can I take a shower?

No...

Yes, it's fine.
The towels are...

on the floor.

(Shower running)

(Rick Raines) I just got off the
phone with the Governer's office

and they told me this storm
is a real motherfucker.

That was quick.

(Rick Raines)
I can't say that? Okay.

(Mutes)

What if we tried again?

I can't take any
more critiques...

No I mean...
what if we tried again...

Tested our theories.

For... science.

For...

science...

Yeah. It think it would
be really helpful for me.

Because I'm more of
a hands-on learner.

Yeah. We could...
we could do that.

Good. Okay.

And the channel of
communication stays open.

Hm-mm.

We say whatever's on our mind.
That's the deal.

Okay-- we should film it!

No? Too far?
Sorry.

How should we start?

Okay, so normally, on date
situations, there would be more

of a build up but as this is
strictly a hookup scenario

I think it'd be fine
if you just--

Whoa...

Okay, so the lack of sheets
makes it look a bit crack den-y.

Which is great for like a
role-playing scenario but--

It was laundry day.

Okay...

get over here...

They should label it
or something, right?

I think it's inside out
actually, but it's fine.

That's good.

Ah, a fan of the bed push.
That's a classic.

Oh, no, no, no.
Shoes and socks first.

There's never good time for it
so, you know, just get them off.

Oh god...

Good compromise.
I like that.

Thank you. I'm like
the U.N. of "doing it".

Is that sort of
what you had in mind?

Yeah. That's good...

That's pretty good, you
got the hang of that.

Good.

I have sensitive nipples.

That one is really sensitive.

Any notes?

No.

(Blows raspberry)

(Megan) No!

If there is one
thing that you take away

from this whole
experience... Never!

Sorry. I was
trying to cool you off.

My dad used
to give me those.

And now I am just
thinking about my dad.

Ew, that's gross.
I'm sorry.

Pa“

That's better...

That is much better...

(Alec) Japanese alphabet.

Thank you, Rosetta Stone.

Pa“

- Holy shit!
- That was awesome!

Hey...

Up and at 'em.

Wake up.

Hey.

We fell asleep.

Yeah. Is that a problem?

I don't see what the
educational purposes of it are.

Plus I'm hungry.

(Yawn)

- We're gonna starve.
- Not if you like mustard.

Why don't you have food?

Well, I had food,
and then we ate it all

when we were really high.

Oh yeah.

Three-year old banana...

Oh, here we go...

This might have to last days.
We'll ration it.

- Okay-

This is good.

Alright, we just
need to get creative.

Give me ten minutes,
I'll figure something out.

Don't hog.

You want to go back to bed?
Let me figure it out.

Special delivery.

Where did you get these?

Don't worry about it.

These are your
neighbors' noodles!

These are contraband noodles!
You threw such a hissy fit about

the window and now look at you:
you are a common thief!

I know.

And, for the record,
I actually thought it was pretty

badass that you broke
that window like that.

Thank you.
I did too.

You might not be
the worst person in the

world to be stuck with.

Right back at you.

So were your parents doctors?

Nuh-uh.

Oh. I thought maybe
they were, and that's why you

rebelled and didn't
want to do it anymore.

So what happened?

It doesn't matter.

Yeah, it does.
Come on. You can tell me.

It wouldn't even
make sense to you.

Everything makes sense to me.
It's the burden of being

a genius.
I can't help it.

Pfff...

It's not, um...

It's not that I stopped
wanting to be a doctor.

So you do want to be a doctor.

No, I meant I didn't
change my mind.

I never wanted to be a doctor.
Ever. Oh!

Then why would you
go into pre-med?

(Laughs)

Okay. Uhm...

So...

I was engaged once.

Once. Sounds like
I'm writing a memoir.

I was engaged recently.

We dated through high school
and I followed him to NYU.

When I had to pick a major I...
never actually planned on...

needing it. I just wanted
to be a wife and a mom.

See, people always look
at you funny when you say

something that.
They feel bad for you, or they--

Megan, I'm not--

I'm sorry, I wasn't
trying to look at you funny.

It's fine. Like they're missing
out on something, but...

I don't know. I mean...

It worked for my parents and I
always thought I'd do the same.

And then the universe
called my bluff.

What happened?

He cheated.

Yeah, and sadly that
wasn't even a deal breaker.

I wanted to work through it.
But he wanted out.

He said he wanted to find a
girl with more of her own life.

Dropped the word
"ambition" a few times.

Ohh! Yeah, I've had that word
thrown at me a few times too.

Believe it or not.

I believe it.

Ambition is such bullshit.

Seriously, it's just
chasing vapor, like...

whatever it is that you think
that you need like that job or

that gold star, blue ribbon,
fancy desk, nice office, like it

doesn't-- like once you get that
you're going to be confused

because you're not going to be
as happy as you thought you were

going to be. Then you're going
to be sitting there being like,

"why aren't I happy? I have
this- I got the desk."

Because, man, there's
another desk.

Like there's always going to
be something more that your

ambition is telling you that
you need so it's the next thing,

and then when you get that
there's another thing.

It's an endless cycle.
You're forced into retirement.

You're kicking and screaming.
The next thing you know,

you're in a big house, you've
got four and a half bathrooms,

you don't even have a
ping pong table and you're dead!

Let's fucking go blow shit up!

Like, you're dead - I just
blacked out for a second.

(Laughs)

Thank you for staying with
me on that, I didn't know if

I was going to come
out the other side.

Blowing up stuff always helps.

So what happened with that guy?

Nothing.

A semester later
I graduated with a degree

I had no intention of using.

And here I am.

So you've really never had
a one night stand before.

I have told you this
like a hundred times.

Well you should know, they
don't usually last this long.

Well that's a bummer.

Wow...

That guy is so screwed.

What do you mean?

You said that he met you
in high school, right?

So, he thinks that you're
a certain type of girl,

and he thinks that he'll meet
that same type of girl later

in his life when he's ready.
But when he's ready, that

girl's not going to be there.
He has no idea how rare you are.

What are those?

What?

Those...
You're giving me googly-eyes!

You totally are!
You're giving me googly-eyes!

I'm just really thirsty right
now, so those are my thirsty

eyes. You look thirsty too, I'm
going to get us some drinks.

Can I pull a classic girl move
and confiscate your biggest,

comfiest sweatshirt?

And I promise that
I will not steal it.

Yeah. One sec.

Pa“

Please be a cross dresser.

I found some peach Schnapps.
The bottle was a little

dusty but I think the
liquor is still...

.“good“.

So where's Daisy?

San Francisco.

You're with her?

That's a tough
question to answer.

No, it's not.

See? You just did.

Megan, here...
Let's talk about this--

Get the place to yourself and
boy, do you make the most of it.

When does she get back?

She was supposed to be
back this afternoon but

her flight got canceled.

I heard about that.

Apparently there's this
huge fucking blizzard.

You know, I always wondered
what it would be like

to be the other girl...

It feels better.

Not great, but
undeniably better.

Hold on...

Thank God, it stopped.

(TV sounds)

Pa“

Can I show you something?

Just leave me alone.

I'm not mad. How can I be?
I didn't ask and you didn't lie.

I wanted meaningless
sex and I got it.

Let me show you this.

Please...

So she dumped you but
you still live with her?

She didn't give it to me yet.

I don't understand.
And honestly I don't care.

Three weeks ago she asked me to
look for her wallet and when I

was looking for her wallet
I accidently found this.

I didn't know what to do.
So I gave her her wallet

back at lunch and then the
next day she left for tour.

"Tour"?
What is she, like--

She's a DJ.

Of course...

Of course she's like the
coolest girl imaginable.

I made that profile because I
wanted to have something to

throw in her face whenever she
wanted to pull the trigger.

And I know that's very immature.

You could have
broken up with her.

Yeah...

Yeah, I thought about that.

People talk about how great
it is to be single and that's

bullshit, joining
the single party...

It's not a party, it's just a
bunch of people sitting around

in the dark, texting.

(TV) ...complaints about how
slow the plowing is going in the

outer boroughs such as Queens
and Brooklyn are not falling on

deaf ears. And we're
hearing from the sanitation

department that they're
getting that done right away...

And I did something
stupid, and I'm sorry.

(TV) The subways and buses
are starting to run as well.

Excuse me.

(Crying)

(Snow clearing equipment)

Megan. Wait.
Hey...

Come on, I didn't--
what was I supposed to do?

I didn't even know that you
existed, I don't--

Look, I don't want her,
I want you. I want you...

And what makes you
think I want you?

You're just some funny
guy who works at a bank.

I think you severely
over-estimate your ability

to break hearts.

Come on...

Pa“

Oh my god, Megan!

Hey...

Hey.

Is that my duvet?

Hi...

Oh god...

You guys are monsters!

How was your date?

(Daisy) You looked so tired,
I wanted to let you sleep.

Hey, what are you...

...doing...

Daisy, we should talk.

Yeah. I know.
I found the note in the trash.

I have the note right here.

When did you find this?

When I was looking
for your wallet.

By accident.

I see what's going on here.

You read this, and then
you wanted me to come home

and find this slutty
little lipstick haiku

so that you could be
the one that ended us.

It's not a haiku, there's
not enough syllables.

You are a child.

Yeah...

Look Daisy, we both know that we
weren't right for each other.

And I think we both
knew that for a long time,

but it's fine...

We were scared that the perfect
person wasn't out there for us.

And what if they're not?

I think they are.

Okay. So what now?

I can move my stuff
over to Kevin's place.

He owes me for a plunger.

Okay.

Let me know when you're out.

Hey, Daisy?

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Did you ever...
fake it?

Wow.

A year together.

Done.

And that's what you're
thinking about right now?

No, I'm thinking about all
kinds of stuff right now.

I'm thinking of
memories and feelings and...

But I just need to know if...
did you do that?

Yeah. I'm sorry...
I got lazy.

But you shouldn't have
faked it. Okay, because

that's not helping anybody.
You gotta communicate.

What happened to you?

(Door closes)

(Cedric) Tell her.
Talk to her.

Megan, Faiza has something
she wants to tell you.

Okay...

Listen, normally I'd wait to
bring this up until after you'd

recovered a bit, but Cedric and
I sort of enjoyed having the

place to ourselves
- the passed couple of nights.

We did.

And I wasn't sure that we would,
because I am so used to you

always being here, you know?

Like... non-stop.
All the time...

But-- baby, help me out, please.

Yeah, basically we were just
thinking, "what if you moved

out?" You know, like,
"what would that be like?"

And you have to understand,
you can stay here as long

as you need, until
you get on your feet.

A couple of days - three days...
However long you want.

- Four days...
- Okay.

No, I think...

I think it's a really good idea.

- You do?
- She said she does.

Look, I only moved to New
York because of Chris. And I

thought that if I went home
it'd just be admitting that.

So I stayed and made sure that
the internet wasn't lonely.

I needed a kick in the ass.

Cool. So do you know
what you're gonna do?

No. No, I have no
fucking clue. No idea.

Do you know what this means?

That this is our last New
Years Eve as roommates...

Awesome...

Yeah, hey, so I realize
this is probably word-for-word

something that a crazy person
would say, but I met a girl

on your website
a few nights ago, and--

(Darella) I think I can save
both of us some time here.

No, no, no, I don't need her
address or anything I just need

to know her last name.

(Darella) I'm sure it was
magical, but we cant give

our customer's personal
information to anyone other

than the police. So,
provided that your not a cop,

is there anything else
I can help you with today?

Nope.

Pa“

(Partygoer)
It's not just a show for kids.

Anybody can get into it.

You know, it's for anybody
who cherishes friendship,

adventure... There's this
one character, her name is

Applejack, she's my favorite.
She's such a fireplug.

She kind of reminds
me of you, actually...

I think I lost you there.
Excuse me? Hello?

I'm just going to put this
out here; but you're kind

of a fucking terrible
conversationalist

I don't know if...
if ever--

I think it's
because you are so...

captivating“.

I am just intimidated as fuck!

Oh, no. There's
nothing to be scared of.

Excuse me.

No, no, no, please.
Please-- Godammit!

Okay, yeah. Alright. Great...
Son of a motherfucking bitch!

Motherfucking son of
a fucking bitch! Fuck!

(Rick Raines) And now
is the moment you've all

been waiting for...
(Party blower)

Whooo!!!

(Ben) Megan!

Long time no see!

It's Ben.

From Bio class?

How are you here?
Do you know Faiza?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm good buddies with Cedric.

We're going to get more booze.
Have fun you two!

You!

You are the dumb, pretty guy!

Uhh--
Thank you?

I was supposed to bang you!

This is the universe
is correcting itself!

So where'd you
decide on med school?

I was surprised but I got into
both my top choices so now

obviously I'm just
trying to decide.

It's a big decision... and
obviously my dad has opinions--

(Drunk Guy) Megan? Megan?

- Shh...

Police. Megan?
Megan, right?

Any noise complaints
go to Faiza or to Cedric,

because this is
their apartment now.

Actually they're asking
for you specifically.

(Music stops)

What's up, dog?

(Cop) Megan Pagano?

You wanna step into
the hall with us?

Why?

Officers found this in
the Lo Pan's bathroom.

You don't understand.
This guy is a psychopath.

He's setting me up! He is
setting this whole thing up!

Which I realize is exactly what
a crazy person would say but

that explains my situation!
He is so crazy that he is

forcing me to sound crazy!
Do you see what he's doing?

Ma'am? Did you, or did
you not, break in through

the window of Mr. and
Mrs. Lo Pan's apartment?

(Megan) You um...

you got a little...

some...

okay... Got it.

Pretty.

(Cop) Which one of
you is Megan Pagano?

You made bail.

That's impossible.

I haven't even made
a phone call yet.

(Alec) She can do that?
She can refuse my bail?

Are you serious? Okay, look,
I just need to talk to her.

You can only visit
during visiting hours...

and if, and only if, the
person wants to see you.

Which I'm going guess she
doesn't being as she would

rather remain locked in
jail than see your face.

Wow... rude...

Okay, well what if I told you
that I helped her break into

that apartment? Would
you lock me up with her?

Yes, that's how
police stations work.

- Are you being sarcastic?
- Are you serious?

I need to talk to her.

Oh okay then.

(Voices) Five! Four!
Three! Two! One!

Happy New Year!

(Door opens)

How about these two?

Are they special enough
to post your bail?

Oh my god,
What happened?

(Megan) Just take me home.

Here.

Hey...

Who is that?

I'm sorry... but I
didn't know your last name!

What was I supposed to do?

Literally anything but this!

Okay, you're upset, but
Megan - you felt something!

And I felt something--

What I felt was
Stockholm syndrome.

Hey, I can't let
you walk out another door

without listening to me.

Why are you doing this?
You have a girlfriend.

That's over now.
Look, Megan, hey...

Let me explain; I should
have told you about her.

And there were times last
night that I wanted to tell you

about her and I should have,
but there was other times

last night that I forgot
other people even existed...

And I know that sounds stupid,
because your friends are staring

at me like my fucking dick
is hanging out--

(Laughs)

I'm sorry.
It was funny.

(c
Si?!“

Okay, let's wrap this up.
The cop's not happy.

Let's keep the cop happy.
Megan?

- You put me in jail!
- I'm sorry...

For like criminals!

(Cop)He's got about five seconds
before he finds out first hand.

Okay. Fine, fuck-- shit--

Look, not directed at you,
and not directed at you...

(Chuckles)

Look, I messed up.

I messed up, but I am
really, really sorry.

But you can't stop us before we
even realize what we could be...

And we should figure
that out, maybe...

Maybe we hang out and we realize
we don't like each other.

Maybe you're very
intimidated by my dancing,

or maybe I find out
that you're like...

really racist.

Okay, that was a hypothetical...

Look, all I'm saying is that
there's a lot of stuff that I

don't know about you and there's
a lot that we need to talk

about. I spent two
nights with you...

and that's not enough time.

Give me more time, please...

(Cedric) It was a little
shaky in the middle but he

finished strong. I'm touched.
Megan, what do we think?

I think that you put me in jail.

We're still on that?
Look, come on.

Someday you're gonna
laugh about this... I promise

that you're going to find all
this very funny some day.

Okay, let's make a deal.

You give me your
number, and leave...

And the minute I laugh
about it, I'll let you know.

(Cop) Stay as long as you want.
Guy was nuts.

- Can I hang outwith him?
- Cedric!

I'm just saying. I don't
meet a lot of funny people.

Okay? Funny people don't
drive ambulances.

(Laughs)

Shit...

Pa“

(Alec) Hello?

You are kind of an idiot, do you
realize that about yourself?

YOU good?

(Alec) Yeah.
I've heard that.

You know that was all me, right?

No, it was not.

What are you talking about?
It was!

(Megan) In keeping in the spirit
of constructive criticism,

the next time you wanna
win a girl over after doing

something stupid, practice
your speech, or something.

For the next girl, because...

because yours just
fucking sucked!

Shit! I was
embarrassed for you--

It's way too soon.

Way too soon.

That's fair.
Totally fair.

I'm sorry that I put you in
jail, but have you thought

about what that's going
to do for your street cred?

Of course I have. It was like
the first thing I thought of.

I'm going to get
that shit tattooed.

And you don't have to worry
about the Lo Pans pressing

charges because
I took care of 'em.

- Did you murder the Lo Pans?
- It had to be done.

- You did it without me?
- Mh-mm.

I think I'm ready
for that kiss now.

- Yeah?
- Yeah...

You taste like prison.

(Megan) Is it
really snowing again?

(Alec) Oh yeah.

Look at 'em, a million
tiny, little matchmakers.

Thank you, snowflakes.

(Megan) So...
your place or mine?

(Alec) I don't have
a place anymore...

(Megan) Me neither.

- You are a catch.
- So are you.

Pa“