All language subtitles for Yes Prime Minister Episode 1 of 6 (2013 version) H.264 (moviesbyrizzo)

Yes, Primeminister (2013) - Season01 - Episode 01 - Crisis at the Summit

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There's been no breakthrough
in the month-long negotiations

to find a way out
of Europe's financial crisis.

Getting the French, Germans and
British out of their economic mess

has so far eluded
all three governments,

with the result that Greece,
Ireland, Spain, Portugal and Italy

are still economic
disaster zones

teetering on the
edge of bankruptcy.

When the Prime Minister emerged
from the talks earlier this morning,

he seemed surprisingly calm,
yet he refused to speak to reporters.

We understand that he's due
to appear on the One O'Clock News

before going to Chequers
for the weekend.

So, Prime Minister,
the pound is falling,

the FTSE is dropping like a stone,
inflation could be on the way up,

your coalition is divided, and now
the conference on the Euro crisis

looks like a dead end. It's all
a bit of a disaster, isn't it?

You know, I'm glad you asked me that.

- So... would you like
to give us an answer?
- Yes.

Yes, it looks like a disaster?

No, no, it's not a disaster

and yes, I'd like to
answer the question.

Please don't interrupt
until after I've finished speaking.

To you, it may look like a disaster,

but you don't know what's been
going on inside Lancaster House.

- No, that's why I'm asking about it.
- No.

No, you're asking if it's all a
disaster. Typically loaded question.

Completely prejudicial.

Have you ever considered asking
something open-minded like,

"How are negotiations going?"

Fine. How are negotiations going?

Well, obviously,
I can't tell you that, they're...

they're confidential.

But... I can tell you
there has been much progress,

a frank exchange of views,

and we all have an increasingly
clear understanding of the situation.

Like the crew of the Titanic
when they hit the iceberg?

No, there's a great
deal of goodwill

and each country
wants an agreement.

But each country
wants a different agreement.

If we all wanted the same thing,
we wouldn't be here negotiating.

There'd be no need to negotiate.

No, the fact of the matter is,
we all have to pull together,

tighten our belts,
we need some give and take.

'Because if, at the end of the day,

'we all want a better tomorrow, '

we're all in the same boat.

The SS Titanic.

No, not the Titanic!

Nothing else to ask?

I was waiting to be sure I wasn't interrupting.
Today's Friday.

Monday is the last day
of this economic summit.

Is there any likelihood
of an agreement by then?

The Treaty of Rome
wasn't built in a day, you know.

(HE CHUCKLES)

At the very least,

we'll have done some invaluable
groundwork for the next conference.

You said that
after the last conference. I did.

And, do you know, I believe
that consistency is important.

Thank you, Prime Minister.
Thank you.

'And the main headline again -
there is still no sign of agreement

'at the Lancaster House conference.

'The Prime Minister has denied

'that the European Union
is sailing on the Titanic.

'And now the weather.'

'It's a gloomy forecast
for the next couple of days

'with further severe thunderstorms,
I'm afraid,

'heading in towards London
and the Home Counties...'

Why did you allow him
to give that interview?

I couldn't stop him, Sir Humphrey.
He's so desperate for attention.

Everything's so awful.

What is awful, Bernard?

All these jobs going.
Interest rates.

Repossessions. Fear of inflation.

Oh, yes. Terrible.

You don't sound terribly worried,
Sir Humphrey.

Bernard, I'm not being sacked,
repossessed or inflated.

Nor is the Prime Minister,
but he's worried stiff.

Well, so he should be.
You don't sympathise with him?

Bernard, that's the deal. That's
how prime ministers' careers go.

They get to be on the front page
every day for years,

which they love.

They travel the long path, Bernard,

from euphoric triumph
to ignominious failure.

And then they make way
for the next saviour of the nation.

It's called democracy.

It beats me why anyone would want
to be Prime Minister.

It's the only top job that
requires no previous experience.

No training, no qualifications
and limited intelligence.

Sir Humphrey, you do believe
in democracy, don't you?

Do I, Bernard?

Well, actually, no.

Not as most people understand it.
You see, Bernard,

democracy should not be about
executing the will of the people.

No, it should be the
process whereby

we secure the consent
of the people

to the policies of those qualified
to decide on their behalf.

Like who? Like us, Bernard!

Well, I believe in democracy,
Sir Humphrey.

It does you credit.

And if all the voters were
as informed and as intelligent as...

Well, say me, or
even you, Bernard,

then, yes, that could
possibly work.

But it's hardly realistic.

Well, obviously, we
have to stop the

government from making
stupid mistakes.

But I am there to help him.

Bernard, we have a leadership crisis
in this country

and if the government can't or
won't exercise it, it falls to us,

whether we want it or not.

I know. Power abhors a vacuum.

And we are currently led by one.

And it's made even worse
because he has no overall majority.

A hung parliament's a bad thing?

Yes, Bernard,
hanging's too good for them.

Well at least the
coalition agreement

that they came up with
seems reasonable.

Well, of course it is, Bernard,
I wrote it for them.

If the Prime Minister
wants to do something silly,

we can make sure that
his coalition partners stop him.

And we should exercise power,
Bernard,

because we have nothing
to gain or lose personally.

We have respectable salaries,
honours, an office, a chauffeur...

Well, I haven't got a chauffeur.

You will, Bernard, when you grow up.

We end up with an index-linked
pension, a bank directorship,

a couple of nicely remunerated
quangos

and a cottage in the Dordogne.

So we can be even-handed
in our judgments

and make them entirely
in the public interest.

That interview went pretty well,
didn't it?

Didn't you think so?

You didn't think so?

Well, it wasn't that bad, was it?

Was it?

You thought it was that bad?
Oh, my God!

Why did you give that interview?

Somebody has to give
a positive impression.

Honestly, Jim,
I am head of your policy unit,

I wish you'd talk to me
before revealing to the nation

just how awful everything is.

Will you be able
to get some sort of agreement?

Doesn't look like it.
Dealing with

the Europeans is
like herding cats.

Being President of Europe
isn't enough.

Europe is an empire,
it needs an emperor.

You mean you. Well, of course,
it's not for...

Yeah, please don't say that
to the BBC.

No. No, I'll try not to.

We can't govern Europe
without joining the euro.

Why not? We governed India
without joining the rupee.

So what's the agenda
for this weekend?

Oh, find a way
of ending this conference

without looking
like a complete idiot.

Um, why haven't you invited
the Foreign Secretary to Chequers?

The Foreign Secretary?

Well, he does have an interest.

His only interest is in pushing me
overboard and taking my job.

And you haven't invited
the Chancellor either.

No, Sir Humphrey advised me

not to ask either of them, actually.
Why not?

He wants a quiet weekend, he says,
just the home team...

you, me, him and Bernard.

Hmm, that's so unlike him.
He's up to something.

I'll find out.

And we'll try to come up
with some sort of final communique.

That'll make it a success?

Claire, dealing with Europe
isn't about achieving success,

it's about concealing failure.

PHONE RINGS

Yes?

The Prime Minister's arrived.
How does he sound?

Irritable. Ah.

But things may not seem so bad soon

when we tell the Prime Minister
about Kumranistan.

European Central Bank to the rescue.

Bernard! Do not mention the ECB
to the Prime Minister.

No, Sir Humphrey.
And whatever you do,

don't let him know
that that Kumranistan plan

is dependent on
our joining the euro.

But it does say so
in the ECB proposal.

Yes, but not until page 67,

and he never gets beyond page three
of anything.

And then he jumps
to the last paragraph.

But conceal this report,
just in case.

Vehicle Licensing Centre, Swansea?
Yes.

Bottom of the, er, fifth box.
Fifth box.

He'll never find it.

This had better work, Bernard.
You know his views on Europe.

Well, I know he's
afraid Brussels wants

to take away most of his powers.

They already have.
And so they should.

All we need him to do
is to preside at tonight's dinner,

pretend he's read this Kumranistan
plan, and leave the rest to us.

Sorry I'm late!
It's been a terrible day.

Any particular reason?
You've read about the Cabinet split?

Yes. And you've seen
what's happened to the FTSE? Yes.

And the pound? Yes.
And the inflation forecast? Yes.

And the rising unemployment figures?
Yes.

So how many particular reasons
do you want? Well...

And now this Lancaster House
conference

is turning into a catastrophe.

Well, it was your idea
to convene it.

If you become President of Europe

in the middle of the biggest
financial crisis for 80 years...

Prime Minister, with respect,

there is no such title
as President of Europe.

Oh, you are so pedantic, Bernard!

All right,
what is my official title, then?

President of the European Council?

Ah, no, Prime Minister, the
Presidency of the European Council

went to the Belgian Prime Minister.

Who is completely unknown!

Well, obviously, he's Belgian.

And not elected.
Appointed, in secret!

Of course, you wouldn't
have a problem

with that, would you, Humphrey?

Oh, Prime Minister,
you do me an injustice.

I am all in favour of elections,

provided the right people
do the voting.

I don't understand this. I'm sure
I'm President of the Council.

I remember being in the Chair.

Well, it is a little confusing,
Prime Minister.

You see, we, the British,

have the Presidency of the Council
of the European Union...

That's what I said! Er, no.

The European Council
and the Council of the

European Union are
not the same thing.

The President of the European
Council is there for 30 months

and is in charge of...
Well, preparing the agenda

and chairing the meetings
of the European Council.

Whereas the Presidency of
the Council of the European Union

is held for six months each
by rotating states,

and not by individual leaders,
and not by you.

So which of them really runs Europe?

Oh, I see!

Neither.

Eh ..., Prime Minister,
let me simplify it for you.

The European Union is run on an
intricate and sophisticated system

based on an hierarchical structure

of interlocking
and overlapping jurisdictions,

designed to separate the powers

while reinforcing the authority
of the departments, institutions

and agencies who collectively
and separately control and supervise

the diverse activities of the Union
and its associated organisations.

So... Europe is actually run

by the President
of the European Commission,

who is akin to
the Prime Minister of Europe

because he's elected
and he heads a Cabinet government.

But the President of the Council,
he is, in fact, appointed,

not elected, and he presides over
the meetings of that Council,

which is not the Cabinet.

Then, Prime Minister, there is
the Council of the European Union.

Now, Britain currently
has that presidency

and while you are
the rotating president,

the presidency itself
is not yours personally.

That simplifies it?!

Prime Minister,
what it all boils down to,

as far as you're concerned,

is the difference
between years of being head

of an empire
of nearly 500 million people

and chairing the Council
of Ministers for six months.

The fact of the
matter is, I am the

President, or I have
the presidency...

I don't give a hoot what we call it!

And I convened the conference
on this dreadful recession

and the resulting Euro crisis.
I had to do something.

And the conference was something,
so you did it. Well done.

But now it's falling apart,
which might just about finish me.

Well, Prime Minister,
it might not be falling apart.

Oh, did you see my interview on TV
this lunchtime?

Yes, Prime Minister. How was it?

What was wrong with it?

Ours not to reason why,
ours but to do and die.

You just said the conference
may not be falling apart.

Don't you know what's going on?

Don't you keep up? Haven't you
been reading the conference reports?

I have. Have you?

Not my fault!
The spade work wasn't done properly.

The Foreign Office
and the Treasury let me down badly.

I think the Foreign Secretary

and the Chancellor are plotting
to get rid of me already.

Well, that's why I suggested
not inviting them this weekend.

But everyone knows you have
to agree the final bulletin

before the conference begins.

But instead of having everything

nailed down before
they all convened,

they left it to chance. Useless!

Forsan miseros meliora sequentur.

Oh! Oh, yes, very, very good!

What?

"For those in misery,
perhaps better things will follow."

Well said, Bernard.

I...I didn't actually say that.
That was Virgil.

Yes, I know that, Bernard.

It was completely predictable. The
Krauts don't want a stimulus plan,

they're terrified
of runaway inflation.

That's what destroyed the Weimar
Republic and brought them Hitler.

The Wops and the Dagoes are up
to their armpits in debt already.

The Frogs only want it
if France gets all the benefits...

Prime Minister,
I really think you should stop

using these vintage pejorative
epithets to describe our allies.

They might slip out
in public sometime.

Quite right, Bernard. Thank you.

And the Micks and the Polacks
aren't getting the subsidies

they were promised,
which they regard as a betrayal.

So it is time for me to get hands-on
and give some leadership.

Oh, good.

So...

Tell me what I should do.

Oh!

Now, that's just
the kind of leadership we need.

Oh, thank you, Humphrey!

And, Prime Minister,
we have good news for you.

But late last night we had
a breakthrough at Lancaster House.

A new player
has appeared on the scene.

The Americans?
Are they coming after all?

Ah, no, Prime Minster,
their position is immutable.

They will not come
to this conference

because you won't let them
chair it.

I can't let them chair
a European conference, Humphrey.

Look at the map!

Well, it could become an international
conference, Prime Minister.

That could save
the whole European financial system

from melting down again.

Oh, don't be silly Humphrey,
I'd lose face.

Oh, yes, of course. Silly me.

Prime Minister,
the Kumranistanis have joined us.

Good!

Have I heard of them?

Prime Minister, they have oil.

Yes. Massive new reserves of oil
have been found in Kumranistan.

Now, they're offering a possible
ten trillion dollar loan to Europe,

secured against future purchases.

But that could solve everything! Yes.

Save the conference! Yes.

Save Europe, in fact!
BOTH: Yes.

"Triumph for the Prime Minister!"

"Victory for
the President of Europe!"

Er, Prime Minister, you are not...

"Victory for
the President of Europe," Humphrey.

Might even save your job.

My job is perfectly safe.

Other people have survived
with small majorities.

Wilson had a majority of four
in 1964 and he lasted six years.

But he did have to fight
a second election pretty soon

to get a working majority.

And Wilson had hair.

What are you saying, Bernard?

Well, it's just that
no Prime Minister or US President

has been elected
without a full head of hair

since Eisenhower
and Churchill in the 1950s.

So I'm saying you did
magnificently well

to cobble together
a majority of two.

I had hair when I was first elected.

I lost my hair in the service
of my country.

Indeed you did, Prime Minister.
Indeed.

Prime Minister, this Kumranistan
deal could solve all your problems.

Fine. Where do I sign?

No, we're not quite there yet.
They do want something in exchange.

You know where Kumranistan is? Yes.

Well, sort of.
You know, it's over there.

It lies in Turkestan,

to the north of Uzbekistan,
Kazakhstan and Afghanistan.

Here, in fact. As I said. Exactly.

Now, they had been planning
to take their oil to Europe

through the Soviet pipeline.

They're not Soviets any more,
Humphrey. They're Russians.

They haven't been Soviets
for over 20 years.

They still are in spirit,
and always will be.

The, um, Russians want
a pretty huge payment.

Which Kumranistan
does not want to pay,

since the Soviets will have
their hands on the pipeline tap.

So, with a little prompting from us,

the Kumranistanis came up
with a plan B...

a pipeline through Turkey, Greece
and southern Europe,

avoiding Russia altogether.

What they need now
is European agreement.

And that's what they're prepared
to lend us ten trillion dollars for.

Why?

They want the guarantee
of future oil

purchases by everyone in the EU.

No, I don't get it.

It's awfully simple, Prime Minister.

Kumranistan will lend Europe
the money to buy Kumranistan's oil.

And Europe borrows
another ten trillion? More debt?!

Oh, the debt is not a problem.

It doesn't have to be
repaid for years.

See, we get the money now,
interest free, but we repay it

in the future when we buy the oil
that we will need anyway.

So how do they make their money?

Ah, we will have to pay
a premium on the oil... Ah!

But, but, but not for many years to come...
Ah, we will have to pay
a premium on the oil... Ah!

But, but, but not for many years to come...

when there will be
a different government.

Well, that's all right, then.

Are all the Europeans on board?

They are, Prime Minister.

And the problems
are what we've been negotiating,

as you will have seen
in your red boxes. Yes.

But remind me.

Well, as you'll doubtless remember,
the Turks refused to cooperate

unless they were admitted
to the European Union.

Now, I see their point.

I've always had a soft spot
for Johnny Turk.

Johnny Turk?
You're on first name terms, then?

(PRIME MINISTER CHUCKLES) Oh!

(HUMPHREY FORCES LAUGHTER)

Yes, that's very droll,
Prime Minister.

Turkey is an important ally...

they are the only Muslim country

with a secular democracy,
Prime Minister. We do need...

Johnny Turk, yes.

Anyway, everything is agreed.

Everyone gets a share
in the construction.

Here's the route.

Well, that looks
pretty straightforward!

We're saved! Yes.

But why didn't I know about all this?

It's top secret. Oh, good God,
Humphrey, I'm the Prime Minister!

Yes, I know!

And what an excellent
Prime Minister you are!

But this had to be kept under wraps.

If this had leaked this week, the
money markets would have gone mad.

I see. Well, is that everything
I need to know? Yes.

Well, there is one more thing.
Bernard!

A power group in Kumranistan
still want the Russian route.

Oh, Bernard is absolutely right,
Prime Minister.

They didn't want to upset
the Soviets.

Well, it is understandable -
they do share a border.

But the Kumranistan
Foreign Secretary,

he has come over here
to offer us the deal if we want it.

Well, invite him to dinner! Tonight!
I did, Prime Minister.

That's why we're here.

And he can do the deal? Now?

Yes, he has the authority,
Prime Minister,

but he needs careful handling.

They are very sensitive
about respect.

You get an awful lot of respect
for ten trillion dollars.

He can have all mine, for a start.

Oh, excellent, Prime Minister!

Bernard!

Yes, Prime Minister?

There's something
you're not happy about. What is it?

Well, I'm not really sure I can...
Oh, spit it out, Bernard!

Well, I...

Ah. Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes.

What?

"I fear the Greeks,
especially when they bring gifts."

Remember the Trojan Horse,
Prime Minister.

The Greeks can't afford gifts!

Ah. Claire? Could you come
to my study, please? Now!

Right.
(HE MURMURS)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Yes, come in.

Ah, Claire. There's something I
don't know about this pipeline plan.

I've just been finding
out about it.

What is it Humphrey hasn't
been telling me?

Well, how about the truth?
What have you found out?

Well, I'll tell you when I'm sure.

(HE SIGHS)
Maybe there's something in here?

Was that the bottom box? Of course.

Yup. Try the bottom file. Oh, yes!

Vehicle Licensing Centre, Swansea.

Yes!

"Proposal
for Kumranistan Oil Pipeline."

I think it could be
about the pipeline mechanics.

Oh, I don't care about the mechanics,
I'm not an engineer.

No, fiscal mechanics, Jim -
financial engineering.

Perhaps Humphrey has arranged
for the proposed loan

to go through the European Central
Bank, and isn't mentioning it.

Is that important?

Yes.

Yes. If so, if we want any of the
loan, we'll have to join the euro.

We can't join the euro,
it would be a catastrophe!

Look what's happened to Greece,
Spain, Italy, Ireland, Portugal!

Hand over control of interest rates,

control of exchange rates,

control of the money supply?

What if I need to inflate
to get re-elected?

If the Germans are worried
about rising prices,

the ECB could deflate
and I could get kicked out!

Well, candidly, I'm not sure
that would bother Sir Humphrey.

Well, let's find out.

Yes, Bernard, tell Humphrey
I want to see him, please.

(MOBILE RINGS) No, no, any time within
the next ten seconds will do!

Yes? It's come through?

From the Controller General?

Great, could you
print it all out?

And I'll come and
get it right away.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh.

Ah, Humphrey!

Prime Minister? Do sit down.

Tell me,
what would a Cabinet Secretary do

if he thought that a Prime Minister
was set on a course

that was seriously damaging
to Britain?

Do you have any
particular Cabinet

Secretary or Prime
Minister in mind?

No, no, purely hypothetical.

Well, the Cabinet Secretary
would have to argue very strongly.

But if he failed
to persuade the Prime Minister?

No, I mean he'd HAVE to.

Ah. So what you're
saying is ...

he'd have to go along
with it or resign.

Er...

Yes, I suppose I am.

Right!

This Kumranistan loan
is all good news, isn't it?

Oh, tremendous news.

There are no hidden snags, you know?
Terms and conditions?

Penalty clauses? Tough guarantees?

Oh, no. Nothing like that.
Standard agreement.

Great! Just an ordinary treasury
loan, as far as we're concerned?

In a sense, yes. In a sense?

Well, in due course,
following agreed procedures,

after certain formalities.

But the money goes straight
to the Treasury?

(HUMPHREY CHUCKLES) Oh, it goes to
the Treasury, of course, yes.

STRAIGHT to the Treasury?

Well broadly speaking, yes.
More or less. Broadly speaking?

How would you describe it
if you were narrowly speaking?

Does it have to go
through the European Central Bank?

Prime Minister, we get the money,
that is what matters.

Let me put this another way -
will this loan be in euros?

Prime Minister, I do urge
you not to clutter your

mind with procedural detail
and monetary trivia.

Humphrey! In words of one syllable,

is this plan dependent
on our abandoning sterling

and joining the euro?

Well, "dependent"
has three syllables

and "a-ban-don-ing" has four.

(HUMPHREY FORCES LAUGHTER)

But, yes... Oh, good heavens!

Oh, look at the time, Prime Minster!

It's almost time for your dinner with

the Kumranistan Foreign Minister.

Now, you really must not be late.

Humphrey!

Answer my question!

All right, Prime Minister.

You've asked a straight question
and I'll give you a straight answer,

which, however,
clearly depends on its context.

In the course
of all financial negotiations,

certain provisos have to be
pre-cogitated and preconditioned,

various caveats have
to be postulated, designated,

investigated and specified

and a number of considerations
have to be unequivocally determined,

acknowledged, and, indeed,
sometimes even conceded,

so that we can facilitate the
finalisation of preliminary plans

to create an epistemological basis

for all parties to
proceed towards a

mutually beneficial
consummation,

which will acknowledge
and safeguard the

vital interests of
all the participants

without jeopardising
in any material

way the underlying
collective benefits

ultimately accruing
to the signatories,

or leaving unresolved
any anomalies or irregularities

which could precipitate operational
uncertainty down the line,

so that there will be a presumed
modicum of iron-clad reciprocity,

which, in the great
scheme of things,

will be to everybody's
advantage.

Did that mean yes or no?

Don't you think that
yes and no are rather

broad and unspecific
in their application?

No!

I want a clear, unambiguous answer.

Certainly.
What was the question again?

Is joining the euro
a condition of getting the loan?

Well, in the sense that, if
agreement, at the end of the day...

Humphrey! I repeat
- Is joining the

euro a condition of
getting the loan?

Yes, Prime Minister.

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