All language subtitles for Vault.2019.HDRip.AC3.x264-CMRG

[ Men vocalizing ]

This is gonna be tough.

Um...my sister
means a lot to me.

[ Vocalizing continues ]

I feel incredibly lucky
and blessed to have you

not only as my daughter
but as my very best friend.

WOMAN:
Oh.

MAN: While Devery
was growing up, many doubted

that the words "Devery"
and "wedding"...

[ Laughter ]

...would ever be used
simultaneously.

[ Laughter ]

If there's one important lesson
my parents have taught me

to a great life
and a happy marriage,

it's to always have a drink
in your hand.

[ Laughter ]

MAN: And since Seth is
one of my best friends

and you just embarrassed Seth,

I got his back, and I'm about to
embarrass Jillian.

MAN: And I saw Camille laugh,
then I knew you were the one.

God bless you both.
I love you.

I would like to propose a toast.

-Raise your glasses.
-Cheers.

-Cheers.
-[ Crowd cheering ]

Cheers.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

So...

here you are...getting married.

Ugh.

[ Horns honking in distance ]

You always said
I'd be the first to go,

but...I guess this makes sense.

It's just like the sleepovers
we used to have.

We were young...

-but we were kings.
-ALICE: Ben.

A group of guys trying to
stay up as late as we could.

Nothing could make us surrender
our freedom.

-Ben.
-Yes. Alice.

Sorry, but I have a question.

Why is this whole thing
about sleeping children?

It's an allegory.
Can you just let me finish?

Oh! Okay. Well, as an allegory,
then this is amazing.

You promised
you'd be supportive.

I am! I just told you it's
amazing.

Keep going.

See, there are a couple
of phases to every sleepover.

First there's the beginning
of the night,

when everything's perfect

and it seems like no one's
ever going to bed.

Then a few guys pass out,
and everyone makes fun of them

for being weak and soft.

-Soft?
-Okay.

But slowly, the rest pass out,
and before you know it,

it's down to you
and one other person.

That was always me and Matt.

Brothers in arms.

Well, that was fuckin' weird.

All right.
The speech is good.

-You're just being a dick.
-Um, I'm sorry, Ben.

Do you know
what a best-man's speech is?

It is one man's heartfelt truth
spoken publicly to another man

who happens to be
getting married

and leaving me behind forever.

-Eesh.
-I'm fine.

-Yeah?
-I know how that sounded.

I'm fine.
I'm happy for Matt.

-Clearly.
-No, I-I really am.

And plus, I got someone
to look forward to.

Jess Ramsey's in the house
tonight.

Who?

Jess Ramsey.
You know who she is.

Remember she came to visit
our dorm freshman year?

She almost spent the night
in my room.

We did that play in high school
where we had to kiss,

but then, at the after-party,
we actually kissed.

I'm really sorry, Ben.

I must have cleared out
the memory of her

to make space
for something else.

-Okay. This has been great.
-I agree.

But I think it's time for you
to go back to your room.

I don't like my room.

I got to get
to my best-man duties.

-Come on.
-Duties? What duties?

Pictures, mingling.
There's a lot of mingling.

-Well, I've got zero duties.
-Come on.

Ben, I'm trying to help you,
okay?

A wedding speech
is just making people laugh.

This Ramsey girl
doesn't want to hear

your weird, jealous sendoff
for Matt.

I'm not jealous.

You're a little jelly.

You're a little jellybean.
Boop-boop-beep.

Okay.
Bye, Alice.

Okay. Bye.

Your speech sucked.

Just tell them a funny story.

You'll thank me later.

Fuck.

But somehow Amanda still thought
Matt was attractive after that.

[ Laughter ]

So I'd like to raise a glass...

...to Matt and Amanda.

I love you guys so much.
Congratulations.

[ Cheers and applause,
up-tempo jazz plays ]

-Great speech.
-Thank you. Appreciate it.

Dude, get over here.
That was amazing.

-Thank you so much!
-You liked it? You liked it?

-Loved it.
-Oh, good.

That was so good, Ben!

-Thank you.
-Oh, my God. Of course.

Oh, it was so good.

I can't believe you told
the hot dog story.

I had to tell it.

I'm sure Bubbe loved
the hot dog story.

-I think she kind of did.
-She had to hear it.

-Maybe?
-DEEJAY: All right.

Let's get that bride and groom
out on the dance floor.

-[ Crowd cheering ]
-We'll see you in a second.

Yes. Go. Go.
Have fun.

[ Music continues ]

[ Crowd cheering ]

-Oh. Thanks, guy.
-Dude, great speech.

Thank you.
Thank you.

There he is.
Best speech of the night.

Yeah.
Thanks, guys, really.

Oh!

Looks like it wasn't
such a bad speech after all.

You changed the whole thing
'cause of me.

I saved the speech.

I'm a hero.
Mm.

Did you get blackout
while I was up there?

Did you get blackout
when you were up there?

Fucking hell.

Ben, that was so good.

Oh, my God.
Thanks, Kelly.

-It was so sweet.
-Really? It was?

Okay.

[ Music continues ]

WOMAN:
Whoo. Watch out. [ Laughs ]

AMANDA:
[ Laughing ] Alice.

You're dancing all alone
over here.

-That's the name of my new book.
-[ Laughs ]

Hey. Hey.
I know.

I have been so completely
wrapped up

in all this wedding shit.

I was meaning to call you.
But I heard about you and Nate.

-I'm so sorry.
-Oh, fine.

Let's not talk about it here.

Oh, my God.
Anne! My God!

Congratulations!

WOMAN:
Ben King!

BEN:
Jess Ramsey.

I have been trying
to talk to you all night.

Here's the thing.

I'm the best man,
so I'm a little busy.

-I have a lot going on.
-I noticed. I did.

-And the speech was so good.
-Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

Yeah, thanks.
Took us forever to write it.

-Oh, you helped with the speech?
-Yeah.

-No.
-Just the good parts, though.

The pedophilia shit
was all this guy.

Alice, I think there's another
dance floor in the basement.

What?

There's another dance floor
in the basement.

You should go find it.

You're a bad person.

[ Music ends ]

Is that your girlfriend?

Her? N-No.
No. That's just Alice.

-She's my friend from college.
-[ Down-tempo music plays ]

DEEJAY: We're gonna
slow things down here.

Uh, shall we?

Oh.
Sure.

I got to warn you,
I got some pretty great moves.

[ Laughs ]

-How you been?
-Good. I've been good.

You know, it's wedding season,
so I've been kind of --

Depressed?
Totally.

I was gonna say busy.

-Yes. Busy. Busy is the word.
-[ Chuckles ]

-Yeah.
-ALICE: Ben!

Ben!

JESS:
Oh.

Looks like Alice found
a new boyfriend.

Ben, come touch this kid's arm.
He's so soft.

She's not usually like this.
She's going through a breakup.

Is she okay?
I mean, should you go help her?

Um, I-I think she's fine.

Ben, come touch him!

BEN: Oh, my God.
It's gorgeous out here.

-Yeah.
-I thought the inside was great.

Then I saw the outside
and I'm like,

"What have I been doing inside?"

It's fantastic.

Are you sure
Alice is gonna be okay?

Yeah, yeah. She got in
the shuttle back to the hotel.

As long as she can make her way
to her room, she should be fine.

I feel like that might be
a challenge for her.

Oh, it's definitely
up for grabs. Yes.

You totally could have stayed
with her.

I'm just gonna get a car
and head home.

No, no, no. I mean, I feel like
I so rarely get to see you.

This was so great
to just catch up.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Alice and I, we're not even
really that close.

She just needs a shoulder
to cry on right now.

And you get to be
the lucky shoulder.

Yeah. I feel really, um,
blessed and honored.

That's one of the many gifts
of being at the singles' table.

You get all the singles
that come with it.

Yeah. It sounds like you need
a new table.

Well, you got to be
in a relationship for that.

That can't be a problem for you.

You're cute and charming
and funny.

-Go on.
-Oh, stop.

[ Music playing in distance ]

-Oh, my God.
-Oh, God. Oh, uh...

I'm s-- Was that --

Did I--
What just happened?

Did I just do something
horrible?

It's okay.
Just, um, I'm engaged.

Jesus. I...Okay.
Was that there the whole time?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

I guess I got to start
looking out for those.

Um, I'm so sorry.

-I had no idea.
-It's okay.

Uh, I should get a car, though,

'cause I have this crazy day
tomorrow and I need to...

Yeah. Yeah.
For sure.

It was so nice seeing you,
though.

Yeah! Yeah. This, um, this --
this was great.

-Yep.
-Yeah.

-Oh.
-Okay.

Well...

-Yeah. Bye, Jess. See ya.
-Bye, Ben.

MAN:
[ Grunts ] Oh, fuck, yeah.

WOMAN:
[ Moaning ]

MAN:
[ Moaning ]

Oh, God. Oh.

BEN:
What are you doing?

I'm catching up
on old episodes of "Bones."

-WOMAN: Oh, fuck!
-How did you get in here?

I stole one of your key cards
this morning.

Well, that's just
a huge violation of privacy.

I'm sorry!

WOMAN:
Yeah. [ Moans ]

-[ TV turns off ]
-How'd it go with blondie?

I ate shit.

Went in for the kiss.
Did not go well.

Apparently, she's engaged,
because of course she is.

Though I feel a little led on

'cause she touches me a lot
for someone with a fiancé.

[ Sobs ]

Whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey.

Hey.

All right?

What's wrong?

[ Blows nose ]

Is this a Nate thing?

No, it's not a Nate thing!
God!

Okay, okay.

It's just why does everyone
have to get married now?

So it is a Nate thing.

My little sister's
getting married before me.

And I have four more to do
this year.

Four!

Yeah.

I got you beat.

Six.

I feel like once everybody
saw 30 on the horizon,

they were like, "Hey, guys.

Um, you know what?
I would like to get engaged."

-Hey, Ben?
-Here.

Will you come to Jason
and Sarah's wedding with me

next weekend?

Alice, I'm not looking to go
to more of these.

I already told them
I was bringing someone

when Nate and I
were still together,

and I really don't want to go
alone.

There's gonna be
a lot of cute girls there.

You might meet someone,

someone even better
than Jen Rimbly.

Jess Ramsey, but yeah,
I hear you.

Please.

[ Weakly ]
Please, Ben.

[ Sniffs ]

I promise you're gonna meet
someone,

and if you don't,

I will pay someone
to take care of you.

No.
No deal.

So we have a deal.

Oh.

-Oh, shit. Um, okay.
-[ Gags ]

Here. Here. Here.

[ Gags, coughs ]

Okay.
Okay.

[ Grunts, coughs ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

You're okay.

[ Music continues ]

[ Brakes squeak,
engine shuts off ]

Hey.

Alice.

-[ Window squeaks ]
-Aah!

-You're home.
-What the fuck?

You're such an asshole.

¶ Every night I'm down ¶

-Bye.
-¶ Got my face on the floor ¶

¶ Where there once was sound ¶

¶ There isn't anymore ¶

¶ Now you're falling through ¶

¶ The leak in your pool ¶

¶ I can see the stars ¶

¶ Spinning over you ¶

¶ And falling too ¶

[ Can opens ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Music continues ]

BEN:
Y'ello. What's up, T.J.?

How are you, man?
Um, listen.

I was wondering.

You and me tonight,
going out like old times.

What do you think?

¶ I was once a young man,
but I'm not anymore ¶

BEN:
Wait. Wait. What?

That's crazy!

Since when are you
in a relationship, dude?

With -- With Dry Lips?

No. You called her that, man.

¶ I can see the stars ¶

BEN: All right. Well, cool.
Let's chill soon, huh?

Later.

[ Sizzling ]

Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck!

[ Water draining ]

[ Music continues ]

Hey, Dad.
Uh, are you free tomorrow?

You want to meet up
in the morning?

Yeah, 7:00, uh, 7:00 works.

[ Music continues ]

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Metal clanging in distance ]

Dad, you here?

[ Screaming ]

Stranger! Stranger!

Hey.
Hey, guys.

-Stranger! Stranger!
-WOMAN: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm not -- I'm not a stranger.

Boys, boys, boys, boys!

-Hey.
-BOY: Mom, a stranger.

WOMAN:
No, it's Ben. You know Ben.

-Hi, Ben.
-Hi, Gina.

Come here, sweetie.
Come on.

Sorry. We had a little
sleepover last night.

Chuck!
You know what?

Your dad should be down
in a minute.

-He's a stranger.
-He is not a stranger.

Come on, boys.
We're gonna get some naps today.

Um, Ben, it was good to see you.

-Good to see you, too, Gina.
-Guys, come on.

Let's not hit Mommy
with the duck, okay?

Dad?

MAN: All right.
Get ready for the magic.

[ Club thuds ]

Am I on the green?

No.

Are you lying?

Yeah, Dad, I'm lying.

Oh, drat.

Don't say "drat."
You're not 100.

I like "drat."
It feels classic.

Oh.

-My God.
-CHUCK: How's work?

Yeah. It's, uh, it's fine.
It's not great.

Honestly, I'm thinking
of moving on to something else,

maybe getting into teaching,
maybe writing.

-Maybe astronaut?
-Okay.

I just don't think my heart's
in this anymore, you know?

I miss the days when we were
just a scrappy start-up.

It's a job.

What is it with you young people
having to love your work?

I don't have to love my work.
It's just -- I don't know.

It'd be great if I wasn't
miserable while I was there.

Sometimes I wonder how you got
so picky.

-You spoiled me?
-[ Chuckles ]

So it seems like Gina's
been staying over a lot lately.

Yeah.
That's getting pretty serious.

-[ Groans ]
-Oh.

-We are horrible today.
-Yeah.

What's uh,
what's "pretty serious" mean?

Well, I just proposed to her.

What?

Yeah. We're getting married
end of October.

Jesus Christ!

When were you gonna tell me?

Now.
This is it -- me telling you.

Dad, Gina's like half your age.

So?
She makes me happy, Ben.

Yeah.
So did Mom once.

Yeah, and we gave it
our best shot for 16 years.

Dad, I-I just feel like
maybe marriage...

isn't your thing, you know?

I mean, you've already had two
that have failed.

I don't view either of them
as failures.

I'm just asking you...
to pace yourself

so you don't make the
same mistakes you have before.

Gina would like to get to know
you over dinner this weekend.

All of us.
I'd like you to come by.

You know what?
I-I actually can't.

I told a friend
I'd go to a wedding with her.

Maybe next weekend?

Yeah.
We'll see.

I know. It's -- I know.
I got it. I got it.

WOMAN: So Sarah may not know
how to jet ski...

[ Laughter ]

...but she's a pretty good
little sister.

Anyway, the question
will always remain --

Which came first,

Jason's proposal...
or Sarah's pregnancy?

Real chicken-or-the-egg
situation there.

But we're all, uh, super excited

to have a ba--
new baby in the family.

So...congrats, you guys.

[ Light applause ]

[ Thunder rumbling ]

¶ Doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ¶

¶ Doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ¶

¶ Doo-doo-doo,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ¶

¶ Doo-doo-doo ¶

Nate took all the books
when he moved out.

Like what?
Like I don't read?

You don't read.

It's like he doesn't think
I'm smart,

like he's the reader.

Oh.
And I didn't tell you.

He's fucking somebody else.

He is?

He's fucking Shaina
from accounting.

God.
How do you not just fire her?

I should!
I should fucking fire her.

Do it.
Put her on the streets!

[ Indistinct singing ]

You promised me you'd
introduce me to someone here,

but I haven't had
a single meet-cute.

What is a meet-cute?

It's like when two people
meet each other

and they instantly fall in love,

like when you reach for the same
cereal at the grocery store

and it's adorable,
and you're like, "Oh, my God.

You like Lucky Charms, too?
That's amazing.

I'm Ben, by the way."

-¶ Goodbye ¶
-Wow.

Okay.
All right.

How about that girl?

She looks like she likes cereal.

Uh, yeah.

-Yeah?
-Yeah, I'm down.

All right.
Good luck.

-[ Grunts ]
-Oh, my God.

-[ Laughter ]
-Sorry.

-Are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm good.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's -- That was my friend.

She has a social disorder.

I think I feel a connection
happening!

[ Laughs ]
She's funny.

No. No, no, no.
She is not.

-I'm Ben.
-Hi. I'm Kara.

Hi. Uh, how do you know
Jason and Sarah?

[ Insects chirping ]

-BEN: Yo.
-[ Door closes ]

Hey.
How'd it go?

Got a number, baby.

-Yeah, baby. You're welcome.
-[ Toilet flushes ]

Totally microwaved
that hot meet-cute.

Yeah.
I hate to say it, but thank you.

You know...we could, actually,
like, do this

for all the weddings.

Do what?

I take you, you take me.
Win-win.

You're suggesting doubling down
on weddings?

-Like, on purpose?
-No.

I'm suggesting teaming up

to take on the love marathon
together --

just like gang-bang it.

That's 10 weddings between us.

And I got some rough ones
coming up.

Come on. How else are you gonna
find single girls like that?

You know,
I actually do just fine

without you body-checking me
into women.

-Ben.
-Yeah.

Ben, this is actually
a great idea.

-Oh, is it?
-Yeah.

What just happened --

that is proof that I can close
for you, buddy.

Oh, you're right here.

-Yeah.
-Okay. A little bit of space?

I'm gonna tee it up for you
with the ladies.

I'll be your wingman.

I'll set you up so you can do
your thing, you know?

What is happening here?

This is you...
getting pounded by a pussy.

Jesus Christ.

-You know, Alice...
-What?

...as enticing as that sounds,

I'm not really looking to go
around just banging bridesmaids.

I know.
I'm not saying that.

This is about exposure
to relationship opportunities.

-Move.
-[ Sighs ]

Your wingmen are gone.

W-What are you gonna do?

You gonna hit the club solo

after pounding vodka Red Bulls
in your apartment by yourself?

Ooh.
That is bleak, man.

Why do you want this so much?

'Cause...

Ben, this is gonna be so much
worse if we do it on our own.

We'll be stuck
at singles' tables

and shelling out for hotel rooms
to sleep in -- alone.

At least I'd have a bed
to myself.

-Oh, my God. Come on.
-I'd rather not share.

I share beds with my girlfriends
all the time.

Well, I'm not a girl, Alice.
I'm a full-blown man.

A full-blown --
[ Laughs ]

I'm not going
to any more weddings with you.

-No!
-Go to bed.

I'm not tired.

[ Thunder rumbling,
rain falling ]

What are you doing?
You're on my side.

-I just want to cuddle.
-No.

No cuddling.

What?
You don't like cuddling?

I love cuddling.

I just don't want to cuddle
with you.

No. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Line.

Line of demarcation right here,

right down the middle
of the bed.

You cross this line,
you're entering foreign airspace

and you'll be shot
out of the sky.

It's just cuddling.

No.

No way. No.

-Not fair.
-Not fair?

If I get a boner, you'll think
I think you're attractive,

and you'll never let me
live that down.

Oh, my God.
Okay.

I promise I won't read
any subtext into your boner.

-You're gonna read the boner.
-I'm not.

Well, let's say I don't get
a boner

and you can't fall asleep

because my flaccid penis
is making you feel ugly.

Jesus. Are you always
this big of a spaz in bed?

No. I just -- I just don't
want to cuddle with you, okay?

Cuddling doesn't have to be
sexual.

It can be about feeling close
to someone.

I feel close enough to you
over here.

What if I'm big spoon?

No. No.
No.

You're not cradling my body.
That's horrifying.

What about tickle scratching?

What the fuck
is tickle scratching?

We, like -- We scratch each
other's backs in a gentle way,

but it's not weird.

It's like...

What?

Oh, God damn it.

[ Exhales deeply ]
Alice.

What?

I'll do the wedding thing
with you.

Really?

Yeah.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Oh.
[ Groans ] Okay.

Ben?

Yeah.

-Can you feel my boner?
-No.

Um, Paul...

Oh, God.
Great times.

Paul, remember the late-night
taco trips in college?

We used to --
I don't know if you guys know.

We used to go -- We used to walk
through the drive-through

and, like, uh, and order...
all of these tacos.

Uh...you know?

Uh...Sorry.

I lost my place.
[ Chuckles ]

Oh, one second.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

[ Siren wailing in distance ]

[ Beep, latch clicks ]

Ugh.

What is that smell?

I tried to warn you.

And look at this.
It's got two beds.

[ British accent ]
My dear, look at this.

Two whole beds
for two human adults.

[ Australian accent ] Yeah.
Yeah, this chateau is marvelous.

-Benjy --
-What is this voice?

-What is it?
-It's Australian.

-Is it?
-Yeah.

Do you join me for some caviar
on the veranda.

[ Normal voice ]
Whatever.

This place is fucking
disgusting.

I'm gonna change
and go to the pool.

Okay.

[ Vehicles passing in distance ]

Hey, man.

Okay.

WOMAN:
Joshua.

Joshua, will you not do that,
please?

You freak people out
when you do that.

That little fucker's
gonna kill someone someday.

I just know it.

You know, the other day,
he asked me for my teeth

so that he could eat them.

[ Laughs ]

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to laugh.

No.
It's fine.

I do.
I have a demon child.

[ Laughs ]

-I'm Ellie, by the way.
-Hi.

-This is, uh, Maggie.
-Hey.

I'm Alice.

-You here for the wedding?
-Yeah.

You friends with Paul
or Marissa?

Uh, neither.

I'm, uh,
I'm that guy's plus one.

-ELLIE: Oh.
-ALICE: Hm.

-So you're one of those girls.
-One of what?

One of those Asian girls
that only dates white guys.

-Oh, my God.
-No, I'm not. That's insane.

I -- My ex was Asian.

"Was"?
Did he die?

Yeah.
I'd like to think that he did.

Seems to me like you're due
for a white guy.

-Am I?
-It's the Ping-Pong Effect.

You always date the opposite
of the person you just dated.

Are Asians and whites opposite?

Oh, my God.
You'll have to excuse my sister.

She has a tendency to be racist.

I just want to know
if she's smashing that hot guy

in the pool.

What, Ben?

-God, no.
-Why not?

'Cause Ben doesn't date people.
He dates ideas.

And trust me,
I'm not his type of idea. Blah.

Well, what is his type of idea?

Why?
Are you interested?

I haven't talked to him,
but he's cute.

Well, I can totally
hook that shit up.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah, for sure.

[ Voice breaking ]
It has not been an easy ride.

And I know that.

And I know
what I've put you through.

And I know how I can be.

I can be tough.

But you're always there...

[ Whispering ]
It's so fucking hot.

PAUL: ...always ready
to catch me when I fall.

Always my best friend.

-I need to pee.
-If we can just sit on the couch

and eat Chinese food and watch
"The Great British Bake Off"

-for the rest of our lives...
-I'm gonna make a run for it.

No. Wait. Wait. Wait.
I think we're nearing the end.

...because we're gonna raise
beautiful babies!

He's fucking talking
about babies.

I'm literally gonna piss myself.

Can you tell your girlfriend
to keep it down?

I'm sorry, but she's
literally gonna piss herself.

And I'm not his girlfriend.

That's disgusting
and presumptuous.

May the blessings of life
and the joy of love

be your constant companion.

You may now seal your union
with a kiss.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Let's go.

Yes!

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Ah! Ben, this is Maggie.
She's into you, okay?

Have fun. Don't fuck it up.
Excuse me. Excuse me.

That was...unexpected.

Yeah.
She does that.

Uh, do you want to get a beer?

Yeah.
I'd love to.

Maybe just let them finish up
first.

Of course.
Yeah.

Great job, guys.

-All right.
-[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

Everybody --
Everybody, on your cups!

Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go!

Ready!
Go!

¶ There goes the day ¶

¶ Oh, what a shame ¶

-¶ It's okay ¶
-Don't look at me!

¶ It's all the same ¶

¶ It's okay ¶

¶ It's all right ¶

¶ Because the day
is just another night ¶

¶ Oh, when you came back
from the scene, it's true ¶

¶ You brought a melody ¶

¶ Oh, I know it's hard,
but you stay with me ¶

¶ Oh, oh ¶

¶ Oh, oh ¶

ALICE:
I'm just gonna say it.

You look like someone
who would do okay on "Survivor."

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

Like, you think I'd win?

You're good-looking enough
to get far

but not good-looking enough
to win.

What does good-looking
have to do with "Survivor"?

You got to be built.

You got to be fuckin'...

and survive.

The question was
how are you so bad?

-It was -- Okay.
-How are you so bad?

I -- Look. Okay.
I'm bad at flip cup.

I'm -- I'm saying it.
I'm admitting it.

I'm bad at flip cup!

-He's bad at flip cup.
-I'm bad at flip cup.

Uh, hey, truth or dare.

[ Chuckles ]
Truth.

Okay. I truth you
to close your eyes.

[ Music continues ]

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

-This is bad.
-Oh, really?

The diner tilapia
wasn't a winner?

That's a shocker.

How was Maggie?

Um...she was good.

Yeah, you know, she was...
she was really --

Yeah.
She was cool.

Wow.
You must really like her.

I don't -- I don't know.
I just, um...

I don't think we have
that long-term potential,

but I had a fun time with her.

You spent one night with her.

How can you possibly know
what kind of potential you have?

Alice, when you've been single
as long as I have,

you know what you want.

And when you know what you want,
you can cut bait way quicker.

Yeah, but you don't know
what you want.

You have the worst standards.

I have realistic standards.

I do.

What about Jess Ramsey?

I would date her,
but she's engaged.

Why do you always say
her first and last name

like some sort of serial killer?

'Cause she's a firsty-lasty.

It's the same thing with me.
I'm Ben King.

You're just jealous 'cause
you're not a firsty-lasty --

-Alice Mori.
-All right. Fine.

Let's pretend,
for the sake of this argument,

Jess Ramsey gets divorced
tomorrow.

She shows up on your doorstep,
and she's like,

"Oh, my God, Ben King!
Let's be together! Unh!"

That's not an impression
of anything.

You wouldn't last two weeks.

You would find something wrong
with her,

-and then you would bail.
-That is not true.

-Yes, it is. It's so true!
-You don't know that.

I'm just trying to make sure the
person I end up with is right.

I'm trying to find, you know...

-Do not say "the one."
-...the one.

Oh, my God.

You're just...so stupid.

I don't think I am.

Someone as grotesquely tall
and gangly as you

doesn't have the right
to be picky.

Wow.
Thank you so much, Alice.

And what about you?
How was Trevor?

Oh, yeah. Nothing happened.
I just got his number.

-Okay.
-But I just...

I got to do a little
personal maintenance first.

-Yeah. Sure.
-You know what I'm saying?

Got to run the raccoons...
out of the trash cans.

I know --
Alice, I know.

-I got to mow the back lawn.
-I got it.

I've got a hairy ass and vagina.

-I heard you.
-[ Laughs ]

Alice, these are just excuses.

-You know that.
-They're not excuses.

I'm not in the mood to go
on dates right now. That's it.

Are you gonna spend the rest
of your life moping about Nate?

I'm not moping about Nate.

Fuck! What the --
It's just I...

[ Sighs ]

It takes me a while
to open up to people,

and I just don't want to give
anyone that time right now.

Okay?

How do you not think
that you're moping about Nate?

Every time I've seen you,
you've just been like "Nate!"

-"Nate!"
-I hate when you do my voice.

I literally hate it.

-[ Voice breaking ] "Nate!"
-Stop saying it so loud.

Someone here can know
who you're talking about.

-Can you not say --
-Does anyone here know Nate?

Shut the fuck up.

[ Speaking Japanese ]

[ Laughter, applause ]

MAN: Do you happen to have
a reservation?

BEN: No, we don't, actually,
because someone

forgot to book the hotel room
this weekend.

I didn't forget.

I was distracted
when I made the reservation.

Why were you distracted?

Do you have any rooms available?

-[ Keys clicking ]
-Yes.

Ah! See? It works out.
It all works out.

We've got one of our, uh,
Brown Bear rooms...

-Cool.
-...which have two twin beds,

or the Grizzly Suite,
which is completely orange

and has a vibrating
king-size bed.

[ Mid-tempo music playing ]

-I think Brown Bear. Yeah.
-The Brown Bear Room...

-...sounds good. Yeah.
-That's the...Yeah.

Okay. That'll be $83.50
plus resort tax.

Ooh.
She's got it.

-I got it.
-Yeah.

So what brings you guys
out here?

-We're just here for a wedding.
-God, I love weddings.

I'm trying to get married
myself.

-Oh.
-Oh.

Have you asked your girlfriend?

I don't have a girlfriend.

-Okay. Yeah, okay. Yeah.
-All right.

-Yeah.
-There you go.

Just take a right, a left,
a right,

another right,
you'll be right there.

-Did you get that?
-It says 304.

-Enjoy.
-Thank you.

-Thank you.
-Thanks, Steve.

Have a great stay.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

BEN: I still can't believe
you took the Communion.

ALICE: What? Why?
I wanted the cracker.

-Oh, my God. Look at this.
-Mm.

-BEN: Here we go.
-ALICE: Oh, baby.

-"Mm. Bully."
-[ Laughs ]

"Yes, Johnson, I'm very happy we
could sign this merger today."

ALICE:
"Me too, Mr. Phillips.

I'm very excited
to commit fraud with you!"

-MAN: Here we go.
-Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

[ Swedish accent ]
"Hi. We are Umlaut.

We are the new
Swedish boy-band sensation."

"Yes, our new hit single,
'My Stepdad's House,'

is climbing the charts."

-ALICE: [ Laughs ]
-BEN: What is this?

ALICE: What is this?

-Okay, guys.
-What...

Here we go.

-Whoo!
-BEN: What?

ALICE:
I have no idea what's going on.

[ Down-tempo music playing ]

All right.
What have we got?

I see cuties, cuties everywhere.

Yeah.
Let's see.

Mm.

Red dress with the boots.

Mm, no.
No, she looks mean.

What? She just looks serious.
That doesn't mean mean.

It means mean.
Um, let's see.

Okay. What about, um,
green with the glasses?

-Where? Rotate.
-Okay.

[ Music continues ]

Her?

Geez. God, you like them
fresh and young.

What --
She's normal age.

Ben, I can hear the sirens
coming for you.

-Fuck off. Mnh-mnh.
-[ Laughs ]

Okay. All right.
Let's see.

Um...okay.

Bridesmaid with the braid.

You're gonna have to
spin me out.

-Okay.
-Ready? One, two, three.

-Yeah. Yeah, she'll do.
-Cool.

I'm gonna spill a drink on her
when the song ends,

and you're gonna go up to her

with some napkins
and a good opening line.

Can you maybe not assault
this one?

It's not assault.
I just --

I have a very physical style
of breaking the ice.

That's one of the definitions
of assault.

Whatever.
It's been working, has it not?

Yeah.

Yeah.
Yeah, it has.

-Somehow it has.
-Thank you.

-Oh, this is hot. [ Laughs ]
-[ Shutter clicking ]

Oh, you guys better stop,
drop, and roll.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, oh, oh!

Too hot. Too hot.
[ Laughs ]

-Oh.
-[ Shutter clicking ]

Please stop.

Uh, this has been
kind of a tough year for me.

Um, you guys know that.
But, um, this is not about me.

Today's about Barb and Kyle.

I'm so proud of you guys.
I love you.

[ Chord plays ]

¶ When I'm alone ¶

¶ I find it hard to breathe ¶

¶ She walked out
and she took half of me ¶

[ Indistinct conversations,
mid-tempo music playing ]

[ Clears throat ]

What a ceremony, huh?

-BOTH: Mm.
-Loved the vows.

Cried.
Cried like a baby.

Anybody else cry?

Yeah.
I cried.

but I cry every day,
so it doesn't mean anything.

Crying can be very therapeutic.

Not the way I do it.

So you two met in college?

-ALICE: Yeah.
-BEN: Yeah.

Ben, you know,
he basically used me

to get close to my roommate
so they could date.

-This is not true.
-Uh-oh. Intrigue.

ALICE:
It's a little true.

-[ Sighs ] Go on. Go.
-I'm just kidding.

It's fine.
It's fine. No.

They only dated
for a couple of months.

But our friendship,
that lasts a lifetime.

-CHUCK: Aw.
-GINA: Aw.

-She should come to the wedding.
-Of course.

Alice, you should come
to our wedding.

Oh.

Uh, I didn't know you guys...
When is it?

October 21st.

-It's on a Sunday.
-Cool.

You're getting an invite,
young lady,

and that's the end of it.

Okay.
Great.

Um, you know what?
I'm gonna grab a drink.

-Do you guys want anything?
-CHUCK: Mnh-mnh.

Shots? Shots?
Shots all around?

Shots for Gina?

-No.
-I'm fine with my wine.

-Okay.
-Thanks!

She's adorable.

Ben, I see
a lot of potential there.

No. It's not --
It's not like that.

We're just --
We're just friends.

Ben.

Oh, you're coming over.
Awesome.

Sorry we got off
on such a bad foot last month.

Yeah. Um...
can we not talk about this here?

Well, you won't return my texts.

You only text me
at like 5:00 in the morning.

-I'm an early riser.
-Okay.

Ben...I want you to be
my best man.

-Dad.
-No.

Buddy, there's nobody else
I would want to do this.

-What about Hanon?
-What about him?

Make your best friend
your best man.

Hanon?
That's ridiculous.

He was Joe's best man,
and his entire speech was about

how there wasn't enough cheese
at the wedding.

Ben...you're my son.

Uh, I'll -- I'll think about it.

[ Music continues ]

What can I get you?

Can I get a tequila straight up?

Fill it up like a gas tank.

-That's a first.
-Yeah.

WOMAN:
Oh, my God. Alice.

-Oh, my God. Hi, Jenna!
-Hi!

-Hey.
-How are you?

-Good. How are you?
-So good.

I had no idea
that you were gonna be here.

Yeah. I didn't know
you were gonna be here.

Yeah. This is Alice.
This is Nate Lam's girlfriend.

-Oh.
-Oh, my God. I love Nate.

We, uh, we interned at Merrill
together.

How is that stupid bastard?

Um, he's g--
You know, I don't know.

We -- We broke up.

-No.
-Yeah.

MAN:
Shit.

-No.
-Yeah.

-Are you kidding?
-No.

What happened?
I loved you guys together.

You guys were like yin and yang.

-I loved them together.
-Yeah.

Yeah.
I bet I-I would have.

Alice?

Okay.
What the fuck was that?

[ Up-tempo music playing ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

ALICE:
Wait, wait.

That shadow looks
just like Jay Leno's face.

-MAN: You're absolutely right.
-ALICE: [ Laughs ]

That's his nose.
That's his chin.

-His nose and his chin.
-And the chin.

[ Laughs ]
Benjamin!

-Uncle Davis.
-ALICE: Ben!

-Hi. Hey, guys.
-DAVIS: Come on, Ben.

Get in on this doobie, buddy.

Yeah, Ben.
Get in on this doobie.

Uh, no, thanks. I'm all good
on doobies for the night.

Where's your dad?
He used to love this stuff.

-He's inside.
-DAVIS: Ah.

Here you go, Jimmy.
Your turn.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, okay.
All right, guys.

I'm gonna --
I have to take off.

-Oh.
-I know!

It's a tragedy.
I know.

Oh! Ben's got to run off
with his little girlfriend.

-All right.
-You guys got to --

You got to take it down a notch,
Uncle Davis.

You having fun, huh?

Everything okay?

Yeah. Yeah.
Um, can we go get fucked up?

Oh, Ben, I want you
to know something.

I'm never gonna say no to that.

Come on. Let's go find
some people our own age.

MAN:
Whoo!

[ Group cheering ]

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

¶ In no solid state ¶

¶ You know we can't cop to ¶

¶ The frequency
of your inner debate ¶

¶ You're all out of tune ¶

Aah!
[ Exhales sharply ]

What was that?

-That was 12 seconds.
-What? That was five minutes.

You think you can hold
your breath for five minutes?

I know I can.

I feel like you vastly
overestimate your abilities.

I think I perfectly estimate
my everything, Ben.

[ Laughing ]
Okay. Fine.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Why didn't you tell me
your dad got engaged?

I don't know.
I don't know.

I really didn't want to
tell you something

that I don't really want to
think about.

Okay.

He, uh, he asked me
to be his best man tonight.

Oh.

Yeah.

What'd you tell him?

I just kind of ran off.

Classic Ben move.

I don't know. I panicked.
I don't know.

What am I supposed to do,
you know?

Like, plan his bachelor party?

-Hire him a stripper?
-[ Laughs ]

-That's insane.
-It is insane.

-Yeah.
-No, I get it.

I was bugged out at first

when Lily asked me to be
her maid of honor.

Yeah, but that's your sister.

It's perfectly normal for you
to be her maid of honor.

-Yeah.
-It's just...

I feel like he's trying to
start over with this new family

'cause he fucked ours up.

Well, at least he's happy.

Yeah.
For now.

Ben, my parents
don't like each other.

I mean, my mom, she's just --
she's always yelling at my dad.

And he's kind of checked out,
you know?

He just takes it.

They didn't want my sister and I
to have to go through a divorce,

so they just stuck it out.

And it's just --
It's made them so sad.

I think about the two of them
sometimes in that house,

just having dinner in silence,
white-knuckling it.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

I'm sure it broke your heart
when your parents split up,

but at least
they're not miserable.

I can guarantee
you would like that a lot less.

[ Sniffs ]

-Hey.
-Hmm?

Come here.

-Come here.
-[ Groans ]

-Hey, Ben?
-Yeah.

I'm totally reading your boner
right now.

-God damn -- No.
-Relax. [ Laughs ]

[ Music continues ]

BEN:
Where -- Where'd everybody go?

I don't -- I don't know.

-Shit.
-Should we --

-We should get out, right?
-Yeah.

Yeah.
Let's go.

Fuck.
It's cold.

[ Exhales deeply ]

Are they out here?

No.
We must have missed the shuttle.

Oh, shit.

Let's call a car.

My phone's dead.

Mine too.

Oh, fuck.

Where's our hotel?

Uh, it's about 10,000 miles
that way.

Only 10,000 miles?

We're gonna die out here.

Let's just walk.
Come on.

Come on, grumps.
Let's do it.

Forward ho!

BEN:
Are you serious?

ALICE:
I'm not saying I always do it.

That is so gross.

Ben, don't pretend
like you don't let

a little dribble
come out of that 'nanner

when you're in the shower.

I don't let a little dribble

come out the 'nanner
when I'm showering --

If you pee in a shower, it,
by definition, becomes a toilet.

Oh, look at these.

So pretty.

I never understood flowers.

I'm sorry.
You don't understand them?

They just --
They don't make sense to me

as, like, a symbol of love,
you know?

Why not?

Because as soon as you get them,

they're on this withering,
downward spiral.

It's not about
how long they last.

It's about how it feels to get
a big fuckin' sack of tulips.

Yeah.
Gifts shouldn't die on you.

-That's all I'm saying.
-Okay. Wh--

You said you knew
where our hotel was.

And I do.

-Where are we?
-Um...

You don't know
where we're going.

Let's -- Let's go this way.

[ Sighs ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

-BEN: [ Grunts ]
-ALICE: Oh, we're so lost.

I think we might need to
start hitchhiking.

My feet hurt.

-I'm carrying you.
-[ Groans ]

[ Grunts ]

I can see the whole world
from up here.

-Wait. Hold on.
-Oy.

[ Exhales deeply ]
Look. Look.

[ Insects chirping ]

Spooky.

-Wait. Wait.
-What?

I can hear the highway
over there. Let's go.

-Oh. Hold on.
-What?

You got to hold your breath
when you go through a cemetery.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Right.
'Cause we're 6.

No. Ben.
I'm not fucking around here.

I'm serious.

Oh, my God.

What?

You actually believe in ghosts.

No.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

[ Screams, laughs ]

BEN:
[ Laughs ]

Ah.

-Aah! Fuck.
-Oh, shit. Shit.

-[ Laughs ]
-You okay?

Oh, my God.
You really ate shit.

-You all right?
-Yeah.

-You good?
-Aah.

Look at that.

Oh, you are bleeding.
You are bleeding.

You are not gonna make it.
Hold on, hold, on, hold on.

-No, it's fine. I'm fine.
-I got it.

-Let me just get the scrape.
-Ow. Ow.

It stings.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

Ow. Okay.
Hold on.

-ALICE: Ah. Sorry.
-BEN: You're good. Yeah.

-Here. Take it.
-What?

-Underwear.
-Oh. Okay. Yeah. [ Grunts ]

[ Both laugh ]

Oh. Oh, don't --

-What are you doing?
-[ Laughing ]

[ Laughs ]
Fuck.

-Okay. Okay, okay. I got it.
-Okay.

-Mm.
-Mm.

-I want to be on top.
-Okay.

-[ Grunts ]
-Ow. Okay. You good?

-Yeah.
-Hold on. Hold on.

-Okay. All right. You ready?
-Yeah.

[ Both grunt ]

Oh.

[ Exhales deeply ]

[ Both grunting ]

Ow! My hair. My hair.
My hair. My hair. Ow.

[ Birds chirping ]

MAN:
Cooter's out.

Uh, what?

Cooter's out.

What are you talking about?

Cooter.

Oh, fucking hell!
God!

-It's out.
-ALICE: Huh.

-BEN: Sorry.
-ALICE: Thank you.

Uh-huh.

-He was talking about my vagina.
-Yeah.

Yeah, I put that together
after the third "cooter."

ALICE:
Jesus.

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

[ Music continues ]

Oh.
Thank you.

-Um...
-[ Clears throat ]

You good?

Yeah.
You?

Yeah.
You?

You just asked me that.

Yeah.
You?

[ Chuckles ]

Okay.

Well, I'll see you
at the next one.

Hey, so, about last night.

No. No.

We don't need to talk about it.
Let's just --

Let's just chalk it up
as a whoopsie-daisy.

Wow.

Okay.

-All right.
-All right.

It was, uh, cool...
cool sex.

You got -- Sorry. All right.
Bring it in.

That was weird.

-You made it weird.
-No. You did.

For those of you who aren't sure
if you've ever seen true love,

take a good look
at Dave and Julia.

Congratulations, you guys.

[ Applause ]

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

-ALICE: Hey. What's up?
-BEN: Uh, I was just calling

'cause I forgot when your flight
was getting in.

ALICE:
Uh, like 3:00.

BEN:
Cool. Thursday?

-ALICE: Friday.
-BEN: Right.

-ALICE: I'll see you there.
-BEN: Have a good one.

You know what? Actua--
Okay, you're gone.

[ Music continues ]

Ben?!

Ben King?!

Oh, my God!

Alice?
Alice Mori?

-Ha! God, this is crazy!
-Is that you?

-How long has it been?
-It has been forever.

Oh, my God. I love what you've
done with your hair.

Oh, thank you. Yes.
Your face-lift is horrifying.

Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.

I cannot move my face.

You know,
the last time I saw Ben here,

he was putting his little
penisaurus inside me

in a graveyard.

Isn't that right?

All right.

Thank you.

Holy shit!

This is a fucking --
It's huge!

Look at this big room.
God!

So comfy!

[ Snorts ]

You can't afford this.

-Oh, we're splitting it.
-Okay. Yeah.

We'll see about that.

Did you do this?

Okay.
Mm-hmm.

Wow!

Oh, my God!
This is fuck--

This is incredible!

-Look at this.
-Yeah.

So, how you been?

So fuckin' awesome.
You?

Good.
I've been crazy busy.

Oh, yeah.
Totally.

Totally.

Hey, so,
I told a couple of my friends

I'd meet them by the pool
in a little bit.

You're welcome to come
if you want,

or, uh, you can just stay here
and get yourself situated.

I know you had a long flight.

Mm. Yeah.

Yeah, I think I'll
just hang back and situate.

Well, fuck you.
I'm coming.

God!

No. It was just really simple.
It was kind of out of nowhere.

And he was like,
"Do you want to get married?"

Costco?
Like, the warehouse place?

-Yes!
-That is amazing.

BRETT: Are you guys talking shit
about me again?

No. We're talking about
your proposal to me.

BEN:
Yeah. Uh, Costco, Brett?

Hell yeah, Costco.

Real romantic, dude.

Who gives a fuck?

When did we all decide
that this was necessary?

I mean, I love Dave and Julia,

but why did we all have to fly
the fuck out to Hawaii for this?

I mean, it's ver--
It's nice here.

-It's nice.
-No, but Brett has a point.

This is way less special
than a-a grocery...emporium?

-What do you call Costco?
-Oh, my God. I-- Who cares?

Straight people
o-ver-think-ing it.

Yes. That's true.
That's true.

-Especially...this little man.
-NICK: That one.

Oh, he's the worst of the worst.
Wait.

-Nick, remember, uh, Sally Klum?
-Klumshot.

-Klumshot?
-We're not telling this story.

No, we are telling this story.

It's a Ben King classic.
We have to tell it.

-There was this girl Sally Klum.
-Klumshot.

Nick called her Klumshot
for no reason.

-'Cause it's funny.
-It is funny.

Anyway, she was wonderful.
So fun.

And then Ben dumped her
after three weeks because,

and I quote,
he couldn't make her laugh.

"She wasn't responding
to my humor."

Wow.

I don't have
a tiny little mouth.

It's the only way
I can do your voice.

-[ Laughs ]
-Like I talk like this.

"She wasn't engaging with my..."

-"Err! Err!"
-Guys. Okay, okay.

-Hold on.
-ALICE: "No one makes me laugh."

-That's kind of close.
-Yeah.

Can I clarify?

She didn't have
a sense of humor.

We couldn't laugh together.

Straight people...

-...o-ver-think-ing it.
-...o-ver-think-ing it.

You're doing it now?

Yeah.
I'm part of them now.

-O-ver-think-ing it.
-O-ver-think-ing it.

I love her.
She's great.

So, like, what is this?
What's going on with you two?

-What?
-What -- What about us?

You have ridiculous vibes
coming off of you,

and you're acting weird
about it.

Don't -- Don't do this.

-Do what?
-I'm sorry. What?

-What are we doing?
-Do what?

Yeah.

We're -- We're friends.
That's it.

[ Laughs ]

What?

-Y-You've fucked.
-You fucked?

-Oh, right here?
-NICK: They fucked.

They fucked.

-They really, really fucked.
-Oh, my God.

They fucked.
They really, really fucked.

Hey, they fucked.

[ Birds crying ]

-ALICE: It's so nice here.
-BEN: I know.

I think we can safely say

that my friends' weddings
are better than yours.

You know,
it's not a competition, Ben.

[ Cellphone buzzing ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

-Yeah.
-Everything okay?

Yeah, yeah.
Just my dad.

Are you still mad at him?

I'm not mad. I just...
I don't know.

I-I don't know what to tell him
about this best-man thing.

Why don't you just be like,
"Yeah, Dad. Sounds great.

Let's hug now"?

BEN:
[ Chuckles ] Okay.

ALICE:
[ Clears throat ]

Uh, hey.

So I have been thinking a lot
about the last wedding.

You know, what, um...
what ha-- what happened.

And, um, you know,
like, the, uh, the activities

-that we engaged in and --
-[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ]
Okay.

-What?
-No.

I'm sorry.
I...

-What?
-I -- No.

I-I have been thinking a lot
about it, too.

[ Groans ]

In a good way?

Yes.

You too -- in a good way?

[ Mid-tempo music plays ]

-Ben! You?
-Yeah.

Okay.

-All right.
-All right.

[ Music continues ]

-[ Exhales deeply ]
-Oh, I missed you.

Did you?

Wait, wait.
Why haven't we hung out?

-You didn't ask me.
-You didn't ask me.

-I told you I was busy.
-No, you weren't.

-What?
-You were scared.

Yeah, you were,
you scared little bitch.

-What is this outfit?
-It's a romper.

-How does it work?
-Get -- Just get it off!

-Tell me where!
-Get it off! [ Grunts ]

[ Birds chirping ]

-BEN: Hey, Alice.
-What?

-I don't want to alarm you...
-What?

-...but I think I'm a robe guy.
-Oh, wow.

Can't believe that fits
your lanky body.

I mean, it only kind of does,

but I feel like I'm showing
just enough leg.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Right?

And the rest is just breezy,
and I feel beautiful.

Okay, but, um,
are you gonna get dressed?

'Cause it's in 15 minutes.

Oh, no, no, no.
This is me now.

-This is me for all time.
-Forever?

-Okay. I like it.
-Oh, you like it?

-Yeah.
-That's good.

-Hey.
-Hi.

You know, everyone has a point.

I don't think we look bad
together.

Oh, it's everyone
that thinks that?

-Yeah.
-Yeah?

I mean, they say it to me a lot.

-Don't you get the same thing?
-No.

I mostly get,
"Why do you spend so much time

with that Radio Shack employee?"

Radio Shack is --
is not a thing anymore.

Well, it still looks
like you work there.

-That makes it sadder, you know?
-Mm. Yeah.

Okay.
I see it.

Hey, what if we stayed
for longer?

-Really?
-Yeah.

You know, just, uh,
just a day or two.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, I could get down
with that.

-You could?
-I could.

-Yeah?
-Yeah!

-Really?
-Yes!

Well, then I'll change
our reservation.

-Okay! Boom-shakalaka!
-No.

-What?
-No.

We put boom-shakalaka away,
remember?

No, you said only
on special occasions,

and this is
pretty fucking special.

I-I don't know if it qualifies.

Boom-shakalaka, baby!

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Do you guys want to get
a picture?

-Do you have one yet?
-No.

-We have -- We have a few.
-We have pictures.

-You don't have them with this.
-You don't have that background.

Give me your phones.
Don't be weird about it.

-ALICE: All right. Fine.
-You go up -- There.

BRETT:
Two and...Ah!

Oh!

¶ But when I tell you
how I feel ¶

¶ Believe me when I say
it's real ¶

¶ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh ¶

¶ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh ¶

¶ It's real ¶

[ Music continues ]

¶ I carved our names
into a tree ¶

¶ I walked
on decomposing leaves ¶

¶ I skated on a frozen sea ¶

¶ It's real
as far as I can see ¶

¶ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh ¶

¶ It's real ¶

No, don't you do it.
Don't you dare pee.

-I'm doing it.
-No. No. Don't pee.

-I'm doing it.
-Oh, it's warm.

No. You can't leave.
You have to face this!

-No, I don't.
-¶ It's real ¶

It feels so good!

No!

So, Lily was always
the better sister.

I mean, she did everything
perfectly.

She got a 4.0 GPA.

Uh, she was the captain
of the soccer team.

She graduated with honors
from Harvard.

And then...she decided
to marry Jordan.

[ Man laughs ]

Thanks, Dad.

Um, but yeah. No.

I'm -- I'm very happy that
the two of them are together,

and if I can just give one word
or two words of advice,

uh, to Jordan,
it would be buckle up.

Yeah.
And -- Yeah.

Thanks, guy--
That's the end of the speech.

[ Applause ]

Well, it's about damn time.

-That's what I say.
-Okay. Relax, Mom.

You guys have known each other
what, 10 years?

But it's not like we were
hanging out the entire time.

But Lily and Jordan just met
two years ago,

and they're getting married
tomorrow.

Mom, leave me out of it.

Well, come on.
Ben, I get it.

You were probably heartbroken
when she was with Nate.

Mom, God!

-I bet you hated Nate.
-I didn't really know him.

Hey, hon, how much longer
before the potatoes are ready?

They're done.
Why?

I'm just trying to gauge
how much longer

before I put the branzino
on the grill.

Fifteen minutes ago!

-Whoops. Sorry. I got it.
-Oh, it never gets any easier.

So what's the problem?

Are you afraid
of strong women?

What? No. No. N-No.
I-I love strong women.

Okay.
So what took you so long?

-Well, I --
-You don't have to answer that.

-I can answer that.
-No.

You have to stop asking
so many questions --

Because you're asking
so many questions!

-Stop!
-Let him answer it!

So?

We were just friends.

Friends?
Friends grow on trees.

But let me tell you what doesn't
grow on trees. Wives.

Now, this fine piece
right here --

Mom, don't find me
a fine piece.

-What?
-That's weird.

You're my daughter.

It's okay if I think
you're a fine slice.

Look.
He obviously agrees.

Or he wouldn't be
throwing it into you.

-Okay! That's enough.
-Right?

Ben, go see if my dad needs help
with the grill.

-Yep.
-Great.

It's crazy.
You two have nothing in common.

Fuck off.

-Hey, Mr. Mori.
-Hey. How's it going?

Doing good.
You need any help?

Um...

...no.

I didn't know you were in band.

Hell yeah. Clarinet.

[ Spits ]
Third chair, baby.

Hey, this Jonathan Weiss kid
had a crush on you.

How do you know that?

'Cause you wrote,
"He has a crush on me."

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, Jesus.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Hey.
You ready for ultimate hotness?

What?

Sexy, sexy.

Oh, yes.

This is the full seventh-grade
Alice experience.

Yes, it is, young man.

Oh, my God.

I've never done this before.

-Mm.
-Mm.

Mm.

Mm.
[ Laughing ] You got to...

-What?
-You got to take it out.

-Is it too much?
-I can feel it.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, um, Nate texted you.

-Like, just now?
-Yeah.

Do you want to --
Do you want to check it or...

No.
I'm good.

Really?

Yeah.

-Check it.
-You want me to check it?

No.
I mean, you can. I would.

No. I know what it says.
I don't need to check that.

What does it say?

Probably like...
[ Crying ] "Oh, Alice.

I miss you.

I made a mistake."

That doesn't mess with you,
like, at all?

No, dude.
I'm with you.

You know.
I'm with you.

-Mm.
-This guy.

-Mm.
-[ Laughs ]

Mm.

Uh...w-wait.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

-I think...
-What?

Maybe we wait till we're
back home to do this.

-Are you being serious?
-Yeah. Yeah.

I don't want your mom to come in
and, like, bop me on the head.

Bop you?

Yeah.
Bop me.

Um, cool.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-No. It's fine.
-No, I...

I just figured maybe the walls
are kind of thin,

maybe your parents can hear us.

I mean, they can't, but yeah.

It's okay.
We have to wake up early anyway.

Hey, you know what we're
gonna do when we get back home?

What?

Just sex.

Just hardcore fucking.

[ Laughing ]
Okay.

Go to bed.
[ Exhales deeply ]

BEN: Hey, I'm totally cool
if you want to check that text.

ALICE:
Oh, my God. Shut up.

ANGELA:
Where are the caterers?!

They were supposed to be here
an hour ago!

Dolores, please put down
those flowers.

Mitchell,
why aren't you dressed?

I need a little help
with the collage.

-It's taking forever.
-Are you kidding?

-Oh, my God!
-Uh, I can help.

Go! Go! Go!

I hope you're better
with a glue stick

than you are with a helium tank.

Hey, Mr. Mori,
How's it going?

-What -- What can I do?
-Uh, we're collaging.

Start with that pile.
Cut around heads.

-Okay.
-Leave the ears, though.

Yeah.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

ALICE: What am I supposed to do
with this?

LILY:
Just zhush.

ALICE:
What is zhushing?

It's, like, something.

-Like that?
-Yeah.

Okay.

Are you nervous?

No.

[ Laughs ]

Are you jealous?

[ Scoffs ]

Jesus Christ.

You are a monster in this dress.

Hey, you're not allowed
to say mean things.

I'm just kidding.
I am. I love you.

I love you.

I can't believe you made me wear
this stupid dress.

[ Laughs ]

You look pretty.

Okay.

[ Music continues ]

You can put that one, uh,

next to the engagement picture
right there.

No problem.

Oh, my God.

-Is this Alice?
-Ah. Yeah.

Oh.
Look at that hat.

I know.
Isn't she cute?

Whoops. I don't know
how Nate got in there.

Probably should have
thrown that one out.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no.
Hey, it happens.

-Yeah.
-Right?

I'm really glad
you came along, Ben.

Haven't seen my daughter
this happy in a long time.

[ Music continues ]

Everybody's moving so slowly.

-Come on.
-ALICE: Dad.

-Oh.
-This is not good here.

Why aren't the flowers
already here?

-For God's sakes.
-ALICE: It's okay.

It's all right. It's beautiful.
You've done an amazing job.

I love you.
Okay. I love you, too.

All right.

Okay.
Go to work.

-Hi!
-[ Laughs ]

Oh, my God.
How are you?

Hi. Ben.

-Ben.
-This is Ben. Sorry.

I didn't introduce you.
This is Darlene.

How's it going?
Nice to meet you. Ben.

ALICE:
Look at you. Oh.

Hello.

-Thanks, Uncle Peter.
-Thank you, Uncle Peter.

Ben. Ben.

The assistant grill master.
Come on.

No, no, no, no, no.
It's okay.

It's fine.
Just come into the shot.

-Okay, okay, okay.
-Now I need to recheck the --

-All right. All right.
-I need to look.

How tall are you?
You're too tall.

-Six foot.
-Stand in back.

-Okay.
-Right here.

-Here?
-Yes. Perfect.

Okay.
Ready.

So, um, to wrap it all up,
uh, Jordan, don't get drunk

because, um, you're gonna
have to perform tonight, right?

[ Laughter ]

Thanks to Kit and Kate
for the wonderful flowers.

They were amazing.

And, um, a round of applause
for Ben,

Alice's new boyfriend.

We like him 'cause he's cute.

Okay. No.

-Yeah, Ben.
-Thank you.

So, uh, you know,
enjoy the food.

Celebrate.
Congratulations, Lily.

Okay. Okay. That's...

-Yeah, Mom, yeah.
-Whoo!

-She -- She's on fire tonight.
-She is freaking...

-She's killing it.
-...a bullet.

-Wow.
-Um, are you doing okay?

Yeah. Yeah.
No, I'm good.

ALICE: Okay.

It's more than you could have
possibly imagined, right?

No, no, no. No, no.
It's great.

-ANGELA: Alice.
-ALICE: All right.

-ANGELA: Get over here.
-ALICE: Okay.

-ANGELA: Say hi to your cousins.
-Okay!

-You're doing great.
-Oh.

ANGELA: Hurry.

ALICE: I'm coming.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

As Nick's best man, I could
tell you all the stories

about his past boyfriends.

And as Brett's best man,
I could tell you

all the stories
about his ex-girlfriends.

-But we're not gonna do that.
-No, we are not.

-Mnh-mnh.
-Because we love each other.

Yes.
And because my ex is here.

-Hi, Chloe.
-CHLOE: Hi, Brett.

Oh, don't you talk to him,
bitch!

[ Laughter ]

Ben, let's go.

What are you doing?

Writing a card
for Brett and Nick.

ALICE: Okay.

Ohh.

Oh, God, what are these pillows?

I think it was a gift.

ALICE: Okay, I'm gonna
buy you new ones.

-BEN: You don't have to do that.
-Yes, I do.

-They're burning my eyes.
-BEN: Well, I like them.

ALICE:
How much longer?

Love, Alice and Ben.
There we go.

All right.

Okay. You ready?

Yeah. Been ready.

Do you have the gift
in your car?

-Oh.
-Alice.

-I'm so sorry.
-Seriously?

I left it at my house.

We can swing by and pick it up.

No, no.
We don't have time for that.

Fuck. Okay. Come on. We --
All right, let's go.

Okay.

-[ Elevator bell dings ]
-Oh, I hate this.

I hate showing up empty-handed.

It's fine. I promise you
they don't give a shit.

I give a shit.

Hand-delivering a gift.
It's a -- It's a classic move.

Okay, well, I never give a gift.

You never give a gift?
What does that mean?

No. They should give me a gift
for coming to this shit.

-Do you hear yourself right now?
-Yeah.

That's the most selfish thing
I've ever heard

in my entire life --
my entire life.

Shouldn't it be refrigerated?

No, we're already going
to the roof.

Oh. Are you friends
of Brett and Nick?

-BEN: Uh, yeah, yeah.
-ALICE: Yeah.

Uh, I'm Ben.
This is Alice.

I can introduce myself.
I'm Alice. This is Ben.

Oh. Pleased to meet you guys.
I'm Jackie.

-Greg.
-We're the downstairs neighbors.

You guys know if there's gonna
be food at this thing?

I already told you
that there isn't food.

-BEN: I don't know.
-Never been wrong.

Never, ever been wrong
in your life?

See? They have a gift.

Okay. You know what?

Can you just --
Can you let it go?

I really don't want to go
through the whole party

in a fight.

I'm not doing anything.

You're being a little shitty.

Don't do that.

-Do what?
-Don't do that.

Don't make me feel crazy
because you messed up.

I'm not. I literally
left a present at home.

It should not be
this big of a deal.

BEN: Are you kidding me?
It's a big deal.

I asked you to pick it up
like, what, three times?

ALICE: Who cares that you're
literally the only person

who doesn't use
gift registration.

BEN:
Yeah, that's what's special

about actually
hand-delivering a gift.

You get to see their reaction.

You get to see the joy.
It's amazing.

Well, we got them a Keurig.

I don't think the two of them

will exactly come
with enthusiasm.

Well, we're never gonna
know now, are we?

-ALICE: Okay. Hey!
-BEN: Hi.

Oh, my God.
Hi, buddy.

Hey, congratulations, dude.

You guys, I am so sorry
we don't come bearing gifts.

Bozo here left it at home.

-Seriously?
-I'm joking.

I'm joking! It was me.

I'm the monster
who left your Keurig at home.

-I'm sorry.
-A Keurig?

It's a little coffee thing
with the pods.

Oh! Nice!

NICK: It's nice.
Thank you so much.

Yeah. See, you get to see
the excitement.

Yeah, yeah.
Well, you blew the surprise.

Okay? She blew the surprise.
I'm sorry.

Well, for the record,
I don't give a shit

that you left it at home.

Okay, well, forget it.

Congratulations, you guys.

-Oh.
-I'm so happy to see you.

-Let's get shitfaced. Yeah?
-Please, yes.

Please, please, please.

[ Dance music playing,
indistinct conversations ]

Okay.
So they ran out of beer,

so I had to settle for whatever
was in the plastic jug.

Oh.

BEN:
Ugh. That's awful.

-Will you hold this?
-Yeah.

Hey, for Jacob
and Anna's wedding,

I was thinking
that we just do the same thing

that we did at the beach

and stick around
a couple extra days.

Um, yeah. I --
I don't know.

I-I don't know if I can make it
to that one.

What? Why?

I just -- I have a thing.

-A thing.
-Yeah. It's a work thing.

-I can't move it.
-No. You're not making me go

to Jacob Cartelli's wedding
by myself.

I'm...

pretty sure you can handle it.

Ben, you're coming
to the wedding.

You don't get to just bail
'cause you're in a mood.

-I'm not in a mood.
-Yes, you are.

You're in a little bitch mood
'cause of the coffeemaker.

It's not the coffeemaker!

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Sorry. I just --
I-I need a second.

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Footsteps ]

There you are.

Jesus.

Hey.
[ Clears throat ]

Are you smoking?

Yeah.
Bummed it off of somebody.

You look like a fucking idiot
smoking that thing.

Yeah.

[ Shuffles foot ]

What's going on with you?

Nothing.
I'm just thinking.

About?

I don't know.
Stuff.

Oh. Stuff. Okay.

In that case, I'll leave you be.

Hey. Stop. Talk to me.

I just -- I don't --

I've been thinking
about us, you know?

About what this is.

We were dating.

It's not a huge fucking mystery.

It's not weird to you,

you know, that we're all of
a sudden, like, this couple?

No.

Ben, this isn't sudden.

We've been doing this
for a while.

I mean, Jesus, you came
to my sister's wedding with me.

Yeah. Yeah. Because that's --
that was the deal.

That's what we do.

Are you fucking serious
right now?

I just -- I-I never --
I never saw us as -- as a thing.

So? Neither did I.

Quite frankly, I was repulsed
by the idea of you.

-Thanks.
-But it changed,

and it just -- it happened.

I can just --
I can feel you settling in.

-And I'm having doubts.
-Okay.

That's okay.

I-I mean, you're allowed
to have doubts.

It's just
I don't think we have...

...you know, what, like,
Brett and Nick have.

-What, two dicks?
-No. Just...

Alice, I look
at some of these couples,

and they're not like us.

They just --
They -- They have this...

-this...
-Love?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, I love you, dumbass.

Do you love me?

Uh...

I don't know.

-So that's a no.
-It's an I don't know.

-Okay.
-Alice, I just need to be...

-That's fucking great.
-...100% certain with you.

And I'm not.
I'm not right now.

Oh, my God.

I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I-I-I should have stopped this
a long time ago.

Ben, don't do this.
Stop, stop doing this.

I'm serious.
We have a good thing, okay?

I-I'm not -- I'm not asking you
to marry me.

I'm not asking you to move in.

I mean, what?
What do you need? What --

This is good. You just
have to give it a chance.

-Just -- Just try it for me.
-I can't. I can't.

-Why can't --
-I can't just say "Fuck it"

and then hurt you
the way that Nate did.

I'm sorry, but that would
kill me if I did that to you.

ALICE: [ Crying ]
Don't say that to me.

You are hurting me way more
than Nate ever hurt me.

God, Ben, you talk
about how you want love.

You're always looking for love,
and I'm here.

It's standing right in front
of you, and you can't --

-Alice, I'm so sorry.
-Don't --

Don't fucking say you're sorry.

You are not sorry, Ben.

You think you're this good guy,
and you're not.

You are not.

-You're a fucking asshole.
-Alice.

I don't fucking give a shit.
Honestly.

I'm cool.

Before the wedding, I sat down
with Josh and Allison

and had them each tell me what
they thought about one another,

what makes up their love,

what makes them soul mates
and there for one another.

I am always very impressed
with your love.

You may now kiss the bride.

-Mazel tov!
-Mazel tov!

WOMAN: The first time
that Allison met Josh,

she just straight-up farted.

And then she blamed me for it.

Didn't you, Allison?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah, I'm -- I'm a VP
at a start-up.

That doesn't sound
very interesting.

It's not. It's not.
That's the thing.

-Excuse me.
-My God. Hi.

MAN: Oh, my God.
So good to see you.

MAN: Somebody call
about their dirty pool?

WOMAN:
My pool is so wet.

MAN:
Those tits look delicious.

-[ Laughs ]
-Okay.

WOMAN: Oh, yeah.
That's where I like it.

¶ ...to see the day ¶

Michael, Kara, I have one
last thing to say to you both.

Flash mob!

[ Cheering ]

¶ How might I live
to see the day? ¶

RECEPTIONIST:
How many keys you want?

Just one.

-There you go.
-Thank you.

You here alone?

Sort of.
I'm Michael's cousin.

No, uh -- No boyfriend?

¶ But I can't ¶

¶ So I'm rolling on ¶

MATT: Uh, Ben.

Yikes.

Hey. Hey, Ben.

Ben, let's get you
some water, bud.

What? Come on.
I'm just dancing.

No, you're being that idiot
at the wedding.

-What?
-Being that guy.

-BEN: That guy?
-MATT: Yeah.

It's not great.

Come on.
Take a seat.

What are you doing?

What?
I'm having a good time.

No, you aren't.
That's not fun.

That did not look
like you're having fun.

I'm having -- I'm having a ball.

I'm having a regular
old ball of a time.

I'm flying solo, buddy.

Uh, sure.

-It's great.
-Where's Alice?

I mean, I thought you guys

were doing all these weddings
together.

We sort of, um...

W-We sort of imploded.

I imploded it.

Mm-hmm. Why?

'Cause, man, I don't know.

I don't know if I can be
with her, you know, forever.

Ohh.

What?

[ Sighs ]

-You know how you're a dumb guy?
-Yeah.

I think these weddings
are making you dumber.

[ Snickers ]

Yeah. Maybe.
No more weddings.

They're bad for me.

If I get invited to another one,

I'm gonna be like,
"Hey, no, thank you," okay?

I can't go.
I can't do it.

It's just like,
why is everybody so in love

and just so -- just sure?

Dude, they're not.

What are you talk--
What are you talking about?

You have never had doubts
about Amanda.

Why would you say that?

How do you know?

Do you, like, watch us,
like, all the time?

Do you have a camera
set up in our house?

Jesus.

I have doubts about Amanda
all the time.

We're not perfect.

Me and Amanda getting married,
we're just going for it.

We don't know.

So what's the point?

Because it's fun.

[ Laughs ] You know?

It is.
It's a really fun party.

And it's nice to tell someone
that you're in

and to say it to their face

in front of this room
full of people.

And it's nice to hear it back.

Look, man, I love you.

You're the best.

But you're not that great.

Right now you're kind of
like that guy

in an ice cream store who, like,
samples every single flavor

before he picks one.

That guy sucks.

But how can I know
what's best, though?

You won't.

Shit.

I fucked up.

MATT:
Yes, you did.

[ Voice breaking, quietly ]
And it's -- it's not --

it's not easy, you know,
because...

-MAN: Louder!
-...I'm the older brother

and I don't even
have a girlfriend.

MAN: Louder!

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

Ben. How are you?

Hey, Mr. Ricciardi,
how are you?

I saw your dad yesterday.

He said you might be looking
for a new line of work.

Is that true?

Yeah, yeah.
I don't really know.

I really think you should
consider the flavor business.

We could use smart people
like yourself.

-BEN: Yeah.
-Just yesterday,

my associate perfected a new
jalapeño pomegranate flavor.

Have you ever heard
of such a thing?

No, no, no.
I haven't.

Hey, Mr. Ricciardi, have you
seen Alice Mori today?

No. We also found a way
to make barbecue sprinkles.

Not very good.

-ALICE: Ben?
-Alice.

-Nate.
-Ben.

How you doing, dude?

I'm good. Yeah.

-Harry Ricciardi.
-Nate Lam.

I thought you couldn't come
to this one.

Yeah. I, uh, moved my thing.

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go find the missus.

So those flowers for me,
big guy?

Oh. Uh, no. No.

Th-They're -- They're for, um...

uh, they're -- they're for her.

Cartelli's stepmom?

Yeah, she -- she loves flowers.

Here you go.

All right.

What -- What's this?

[ Muffled dance music playing ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

Oh, take care.
Come here, come here.

[ Laughs ]

Oh! Yes.
This guy. King Ben.

The B-Zone!

Mm! Bensanity.

Hey, Cartelli, how are you?

I'm great, man.
This is...

[ Laughs ]

Man, my little brother
just got married.

I mean, it is -- Faah!
It's the best.

[ Sighs ]

Do you think
it'll ever happen for us?

This?

-I don't know.
-I don't know, either.

Is this crazy?
You and me should go out

one of these nights, you know?

Because I need a wingman,
you know?

'Cause I haven't had sex
in, like, six y-- six years.

Uh...

Hi.

Hey, Cartelli,
I'll be right back.

-Yeah. Yeah, man.
-Yeah.

Hey, I'm here for you whenever,
so just hit me up.

Throw up the Bat Signal!

[ Laughs ]

Let's go fucking party.

Hey.

Hey.

Hi.

Do you need
to use the girls' room?

No.

Those flowers were for you,
by the way.

-Yeah. I know.
-Yeah.

I was surprised.

I thought you didn't like
the concept of flowers.

Yeah, but I know you do.

Uh, does he --
does he know about me?

-Yeah.
-Huh.

Mm. He doesn't love it.

But, you know, the whole
Shaina from accounting thing

kind of cancels out.

Right. Yeah.

Um, hey, can I --
can I say something?

Uh, no.

Just -- I just need
to say one thing,

and I'll -- I'll leave you
alone, I swear.

I really can't handle
a big speech right now, Ben.

BEN:
It's not a big speech.

It's a medium -- medium speech.

Alice, you were right.

You were right about me.

I'm an asshole.

And you were right
about these weddings.

I-I can't do them on my own.
It's impossible.

It's 'cause you're lonely.

No. It's because
you're not there.

You're not there to -- to insult
everything that I do.

You're not there to make fun
of groomsmen photos

and -- and -- and vows
and all the other bullshit.

You're not there to order fish
at a fucking diner.

And the worst part
about all this

is that you're not there
because I hurt you.

I hurt the one person
that never deserved it.

And I pushed you away

because I'm dumb
and I'm selfish,

and fuck me for being too late,
but I love you, Alice.

You love me?

Of course.

Ben, I really...

NATE:
Everything okay over here?

ALICE: Uh, yeah.

Sorry. Nate, can we
just get five minutes?

Um, I should really
go back inside.

Bye, Ben.

[ Cellphone rings, beeps ]

Alice?

CHUCK:
Ben! Help!

Dad? What's wrong?

CHUCK:
I'm fucking high.

Jesus.
Where are you, Dad?

CHUCK:
Golf course!

What? Golf course?

CHUCK:
It's so goddamn wet over here.

MAN:
I love you, Chuck.

What are you doing
at a golf course

at 1:00 in the morning?

CHUCK:
Help me, Ben.

Okay, okay. I'm coming.

What the fuck?

[ Laughter ]

Ah! Ben.
Thank God you're here.

Dad, what the hell happened?

It's a whole big thing, Ben.

We ate all this acid,
and we went nuts.

Why?
Why'd you do any of that?

It's my bachelor party, Ben.

HANON:
It's his bachelor party, Ben.

DAVIS:
It's his bachelor party, Ben.

Can I interest you gentlemen
in a quick trip to the diner?

-Yeah.
-No, no.

I'm dropping everyone off
at home.

-Aw.
-Aw, Benjamin bummer.

Bummer.

[ Laughter ]

BEN:
Guys, where am I going?

CHUCK:
Drop them at Hanon's.

You got it, man.
You know where to go.

-I-I don't know where to go.
-Follow your heart.

-I don't know where to go.
-Just trust for one second.

-Hanon.
-Don't get into maps.

And I need to hear
from some expert...

-Dad.
-Just do it yourself.

-Dad.
-Yes. Do it yourself, Ben.

-Do it yourself.
-I'm doing this by myself.

-[ Chanting ] Do it yourself.
-Dad, what is Hanon's address?

-Thanks, Ben.
-You're the best.

-Thank you.
-Whoo!

-No, this way.
-Hey. Hey. Hey.

-Follow the light.
-Just --

-Uh, here.
-Come on, guys.

Get in the house.
Get in the house.

Whew.

Time to lie down.

Dad, I'm -- Dad, I'm driving.

-Bad energy from the seat.
-Okay, just -- just --

-I got to get back here.
-Can you tuck --

tuck back there?

CHUCK: Ben, I'm so glad
you're my best man.

I'm not your best man, Dad.

CHUCK:
You're so cool.

You are the best, man.

Best man.

Now I get why it's called that.

Whew.

I can't wait for your wife.

Yeah, here we go.

You think it's gonna be Alice?

-No, Dad.
-Why?

She's so wacky.

We broke up.

Oh, no.
That's too bad.

-Hey. Hey, Ben.
-Yeah.

-Ben.
-Yeah, Dad.

Do you hate Gina?

-No. No, Dad.
-Tell me the fucking truth.

-Do you hate Gina?
-I don't hate Gina.

Then why are you so mad
about us?

I'm not mad, Dad.
I just --

Dad, you're a little bit hard
to root for sometimes.

When you and Mom split,
it really messed me up.

And I just decided I didn't
want to be like you guys.

I just wanted to find the one

and -- and hang on to her
forever.

And now I'm completely alone.

So...

And you're just moving on
to your next family.

Ben.

I'm sorry that your mother and I
splitting up

hurt you so much.

What she and I had was great.

I'd be nothing
if I hadn't met her,

and I wouldn't have you.

And, buddy...

...as long as I'm alive,
you will never be alone.

[ Down-tempo music plays ]

Hey, Ben?

Yeah, Dad.

CHUCK:
Can we do drive-through?

Sure. Is there somewhere
you want to go?

CHUCK: Zapburger.

Where is -- What --
What is Zapburger?

CHUCK: They get a patty
made with organic soy meat,

and they cook it with lasers.

It's a perfect burger.

Okay, Dad.

Don't take the freeway.
Take surface streets.

Holy shit.

Hey, everyone.

Thanks for coming.

I'm Ben,

and most of you here
probably know me as Chuck's son.

And if you're wondering
why I'm up here

giving his best man speech,
so am I.

Truth is, I put up
a pretty big stink

about all this.

I-I just didn't want to do it.

To me, a third marriage
was ill-advised.

I mean, hell, even a second one
was hard to swallow.

But also, I just didn't get it.

-Ah.
-Thank you.

BEN: I believed
in things like fate

and love at first sight,

that once you found the one...

Yay.

BEN:
...that was the ballgame.

Chuck.

BEN:
But the truth is,

if you spend your whole life
looking for perfect...

[ Cheers and applause ]

...you wind up with nothing.

See, there are many innings
to this ballgame.

And I don't think
love is about chance run-ins

or cute accidents.

It's simpler than that.

It's about finding someone
you want to hang out with

as long as humanly possible
and just...

...just trying
not to screw it up.

Keep going.

BEN:
But you will mess up.

No matter how hard you try,
you'll get in your own way.

But if you can learn
from your mistakes...

You know you don't deserve
a second chance, right?

Oh, yeah.

...you might
just build something...

...even better.

So I'd like to raise a glass.

Gina, Dad, congratulations.

[ Applause ]

[ Up-tempo music playing ]

-You, get in here.
-Yeah.

Come on, come on, come on.

-Hoo.
-All right. I'm in. I'm in.

Oh, my God. I have heard
so much about you.

That's it?

What do you --
What do you mean, that's it?

You cannot shout out
your dad's divorces.

That's insane.
Gina's gonna kill you.

I'm just trying to be honest.

ALICE:
Then be honest.

Say, "I learned about love

after I hurt Alice
and then came crawling back."

I did not come
crawling back to you.

Oh, you fucking crawled.
You crawled, Benjamin.

If anything, you crawled back.

Don't you fucking dare.

BEN: You did. You literally
waited for me to come home,

and then you kissed me
real good.

ALICE:
That's not how I remember it.

BEN: Alice, are you actually
gonna help me with this speech?

ALICE: Yes. Okay, Ben.
Why don't you end it

with "boom-shakalaka"?

-BEN: Hell, yes.
-[ Alice laughs ]

I didn't expect that!

[ "Beach Comber" plays ]

¶ What you want ¶

¶ Is just outside your reach ¶

¶ You keep on searchin' ¶

¶ You're walking down ¶

¶ That Pensacola beach ¶

¶ You keep repeatin' ¶

¶ While you're waiting
for that sound ¶

¶ Apparatus to the ground ¶

¶ You're stealin'
from the lost and found ¶

¶ What you find ¶

¶ Ain't what you had in mind ¶

¶ Until you find ¶

¶ Your Rolex in the sand ¶

¶ You won't be stopping ¶

¶ Until that solid gold ¶

¶ Is in your hand ¶

¶ You'll be happy ¶

¶ Call your office
on the phone ¶

¶ And say you won't
be coming home ¶

¶ You've found your ¶

¶ Vacation zone ¶

¶ Oh ¶

¶ Oh, oh, oh ¶