All language subtitles for Resident Advisors - 01x02 - Sexiled.WEBRip.NTb.English.HI.C.orig.Addic7ed.c

(FIRE ALARM BLARING)

- (GASPS) Fire. Fire!
- What?

(PANTING)

Oh, my God, let's get out of here!

Fire! Everybody needs to evacuate. Get out!

Fire! This is not a drill.

Listen, if anyone asks,
I think we should say

you slept in your own room tonight.

It's just, us sleeping in the same bed

and the fact that, you know, we have
the same level of attractiveness,

no one's gonna believe
that nothing happened.

Great. Plus, you're naked.

Aw. You noticed.

Fire!

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_

WOMAN ON COMPUTER: The wedge method.

Starting at the outside
edge of your breast,

work towards your nipple

like slicing a pizza, you're
checking one slice at a time...

Oh, no! Until the entire
area has been covered...

Oh, candy button.

Button, button.

Way to go, Olivia.

I, too, am very diligent
about my self-exams

on account of my dense breasts.

Dean Berber, hi.

We've a major problem.

Thoreau just got ranked
number 11 on a BuzzFeed list.

"Colleges where you'll
definitely get an STD."

Now, fortunately, to see the full list,

you have to sit through a
six-minute energy drink commercial

so the clicks are low.

But we cannot afford to crack the top 10.

Um, okay, so, what would you like me to do?

Stop the students from having sex.

Right. 'Cause that's gonna be easy.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Great.

There's no stopping
residents from hooking up.

Sex season's already begun.

What are you talking about?
There's no sex season.

You just don't get it, do you?

See, students show up to college alone,

scared, not horny.

A few weeks go by, the initial
homesickness wears off...

"Maybe it's not so bad being on my own."

"Maybe it's a good chance
to reinvent myself."

"Shave the sides of my
head, get really into EDM

or become a freegan and
wear a bra as a top."

He's right. Before I got
to college I was a virgin

who was really into turtles.

Now I get laid all the
time and I hate turtles.

See that? Before you know it

Deb invites Greg to an all-you-can-drink
Ronas and Ritas and boom!

That is ridiculous.

This is just a bunch of guys and girls

cohabitating in one space
with raging hormones,

and we have to shut it down.

Can you shut down a river?

- It's a beaver's only job.
- Can you shut down a political movement?

In minutes, by calling the police.

Can you shut down a faucet?

Okay, these are getting weaker,
but you get the idea, right?

Haven't you noticed a total
increase in boinking lately?

Hey! What's going on? Why
are you out in the hallway?

Sexiled.

It's the fourth time today.

It's not even always the same
girl. It's not even always a girl.

I've been out here since
4:00 p.m. yesterday.

You're sexiled, too?

BOY: Yeah, we all are.

Wait a second. You guys are
roommates, how are you both sexiled?

Leslie farted in there.

We're fartsiled.

Ugh.

Let's say that you're right.
We still need a game plan.

We need to stop hookups
by any means available.

Encourage romance.

Talking. Just hanging out as friends.

Worst case scenario...

Dry humping.

I have blow-dry.

No. We bring in the heavy artillery.

I'm gonna cut it out,
you're gonna slow it down.

And you're gonna cover it up.

Let's do this.

One, two, three...

ALL: No sex!

Hey, where do we keep the
beds? (SOFTLY) Keep the beds...

Uh, on the first floor
there's a huge bed dispenser.

You just pop in a quarter
and turn the crank.

That's cool. Hey, can I get some quarters?

(SIGHS) How'd you get in this college?

My parents built the stadium.

Hey, is this your mom?

Yes, she's off-limits.

Listen, man, why do you need an extra bed?

The triple at the end of
the hall only has two beds,

so there's a chick without a bed.

Okay, first of all, it's
residents, not chicks.

Second, there are no triples
in this whole building.

Well, how come I have three
chick residents in one room then?

Look, you cannot have three
people in a room, okay?

Check the names against the
roster and figure it out.

I don't have time for
this. I got to go work.

Aren't you just coming
from work? What are you...

You have like, two works?

I have six works and my job as an RA.

Whoa! So your family has, like, no money.

Like, you guys are poor.

And here I am asking you for a quarter.

What a dick!

And I take it your family
has, like, what? Tons of money?

Let me put it this way... Yeah.

Hey, I don't mean this as a joke,
have you ever considered stripping?

'Cause when I came in here and
you were slipping out of that

security guard uniform,
I was all like, "Damn!"

I mean, I'm all right. I
don't know if I'm like, "Damn!"

No, son, trust me, you're like, "Damn!"

All right, let's figure this out.

(SOFTLY) Something's wrong with you, man.

Separate, please. Sexual
relations are strictly prohibited.

Thank you.

Oh yeah, that's right. I'm the
cooler, I'm where boners go to die.

See, there's so much more to
intimacy than just sex, you guys.

(SIGHS)

Now, I'm going to apply
pressure to the crest of the toe.

Does anybody know what
pressure point this is?

Um, the boobs?

Uh, no, no, it's not the boobs.

That's a great guess, Ian.

It's the heart.

It is the heart.

See, the foot has over
15,000 nerve endings, okay?

So, after a homemade pasta dinner,

this is gonna feel incredible.

(SIGHS) And I can confirm that it does.

My foot is smoother than Hollandaise sauce.

I bet. Thank you, Jack.

And I can confirm that giving a great
foot massage has its own rewards.

Ooh!

Sexiled by Leslie?

- No way.
- Yep.

Well, no, but in a way, yes.

He's alone.

He kicked you out so
he can sizzle his bacon?

Wow! This guy is bold.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Um, I'm using
this time to read all of the books

that were banned from the compound.

Right now, I'm reading
a book about black magic.

Hmm. Harry Potter.

Spooky, right?

It is not fair of him to hog the
spunk-bunk. Girls have needs, too.

- Tyler!
- Ew! Ew, no.

(CHUCKLES) No, uh, I... I don't do that.

I have never done that and I'm
perfectly fine never, ever doing that.

I feel like I could lift a car.

- What's going on?
- Nothing, nothing.

Uh... We're... Yeah, we're talking
about this heat wave. It's so hot.

Rochelle's never put a
nickel in her fuzz box.

- Rachel.
- What?

You've never snapped your chat?

Never flogged your dolphin?

Never been on an adventure
with Dildo Baggins...

Okay, we get it.

You guys have a never-ending
supply of masturbation euphemisms.

Stop.

- Let's hit that triple.
- Yes.

Oh, I owe you a sock.

So, she doesn't have a bed
and she's never had one?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Sounds like
you got this under control.

I'm gonna go Tinder on the toilet.

Hold it. But I really have to go.

Just hold it for a minute.

But I really want to flirt.

Tyler, help me solve your own problem
then you can go swipe your ass off.

So what's this girl's deal?

Um, that's PJ.

I think she's majoring
in casino management.

You guys work here?

Yeah.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Uh, do you know what the cafeteria
does with the leftover croissants?

Um... I... I think they
cut 'em up into pieces

and throw them in the bread pudding.

Ugh, what do they do with
leftover bread pudding?

What the hell is that?

This is a tattoo idea of
my favorite band, Blink-182.

Boom!

What are you like, 50?

So I get to the bottom
of the slide, I get off

and my little brother is laughing at me,

and I look around and
I see my, my swim trunks

just coming down after me.

Oh! The same thing
happened to me at the beach.

I had a boob out for five
minutes and no one told me.

I would have told you.

Not... 'cause not, like, I wouldn't
have been, like, looking at your boob,

but if I happened to have glanced at it,

I would have informed you of that.

Oh, thanks.

Uh, is this your card?

Yes, I mean, maybe. I forgot what it was,

but it was red.

(DOOR OPENS)

I need a Gatorade.

Oh, my God, Amy.

I originally tried to make
a penis out of the condoms.

But the balls were too big,
then I ran out of room...

No, you're using a stapler.

Condoms don't work if
there's holes in them.

I haven't really ever used a condom
so I guess I don't know the "rules"?

It's fine. At least I saw
you before anybody took any.

Oh, this is the second round.

The first batch went in, like, 12 minutes.

(IN ASIAN ACCENT) Everybody horny.

So you're telling me there
are 150 faulty condoms

in the hands of residents?

During sex season?

No, they're not in their hands.

They're on their penises.

Okay, I'm gonna get Doug

and we're gonna fix this.

- Great! I'll help.
- No!

You're no longer allowed
to touch the condoms. Stay.

- Don't move!
- I hear what you're saying.

Bad Amy. Amy bad.

(SOBS)

Okay, this chick says her
roommate's in there boning...

With a damaged condom. Okay,
this isn't weird at all.

'Cause it's absolutely necessary
for the safety of our students.

- We're coming in!
- (GIRL SCREAMING)

DOUG: Sir, we need you
to remove the condom.

Uh, but please enjoy this replacement.

Thank you!

We have a hoarding
situation going on in there.

Hey, you don't have to explain
it to me. Everybody horny.

- Thanks, Charles.
- Okay.

(SIGHS)

RA, open up!

(SQUAWKING) Oh, my God!

(SQUAWKING)

I see a Ira, a Natalia... I don't...

There's no PJ in the system.

- Well, that's weird.
- Whoa!

(SOFTLY) Sorry to sneak up on you.

Hey! You're gonna have to speak up.

Unless this is what
you're into, in which case,

(SOFTLY) I'll do it, too.

Okay.

I couldn't say anything back in my room

because of PJ, but she's a... a squatter.

I knew something was off about her.

Yeah. Nobody likes Blink-182 anymore.

I was gonna say the "no
transfers" thing but, yeah...

TYLER: Hmm...

She just showed up one day and said she was

assigned to the room and
only wears pajama pants.

Ah! Classic squatter.

Listen, something like this
could be very traumatizing,

so I'm here for you if you
need a shoulder to cry on.

Or a bed to lie on.

Beth, your RA, Tyler, is gonna
solve this problem for you.

Great. Thanks.

Okay, so when you said that
I'm gonna be helping her,

did you mean, you are while
I'm hooking up with her?

Tyler, stop being a spoiled brat

and help your residents
solve their problems!

Nobody's ever talked to me like that.

Is this tough love? 'Cause
I don't think that I like it.

I don't think I really care.

Have you ever been in a fight?

Yeah, lots of 'em, you?

- No. Let's move on.
- Cool.

Okay. So far we've collected
144 condoms and, um...

I don't know what we... I got...

I don't know what this is. Dragon play.

You guys down with Khaleesi?

AMY: No?

Nobody? Seriously?

G-O-T. "All Men Must Die."

"You know nothing, Jon Snow."

Why is no one interrupting me?

All right. So I have
145, 146, 147, and 148.

I got the last one, 149.

I had to tackle the horniest
couple in the dining hall,

- but I did it.
- No, that's not right.

Amy do good. Amy pretty.

We still have one unaccounted
for. We gave out 150.

What? Okay. All right.

That means there's a couple out there

that thinks they're having safe sex

but really they're just filling
each other with diseases and sperm.

Wait! I think I remember who has it.

Just give it a good yank,
it'll come right off.

(SING-SONGY) Ooh! You
guys are gonna do it.

Maybe you love each other

but it's not necessary.

We can have sex without
love is my opinion, so...

Anyway.

Amy, you have to remember their names.

I told you already. They
were just two college kids,

a guy and a girl.

Not my residents, normal horny level...

Nothing creepy or that
interesting about them.

Okay, I can't breathe.

(BREATHING HEAVILY) Uh, okay, allow me.

Physical Therapy Masters, 2009.

Here we go. Ready? I'm gonna push.

- Just relax.
- (MOANS)

- (MOANING)
- You okay?

(MOANING)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Um...

Hey, Amy, this is what I want you to do.

Go to your mind dojo, just do
that mental stuff you do, okay?

- Go.
- (SIGHS) Um...

Um... Brown hair.

- Uh-huh...
- That's a start.

- Okay, don't quote me on that.
- Okay.

He was shuffling cards

and she was holding yarn,

maybe knitting stuff?

Okay. All right. Cards?

Playing cards. Magic.

- Who likes magic? Mike Shelton.
- Yes!

I got it, okay great.

Yarn, knitting. Emily White
has her own Etsy store.

- It's Emily! Yes! Mike and Emily.
- Okay, that's great!

I was hoping they'd get
together. They're so cute.

Okay, so their roommates were boinking,

so they bonded over being sexiled,

but they totally had their own boink vibe

brewing, they did.

Let's just go find these two people

before they boink with a broken condom.

- Copy that!
- Let's go!

Tyler, is there something
you'd like to tell PJ?

(MUMBLING) We know that you're
a squatter and you have to leave.

Speak up! Nobody likes a mumbler.

We know that you're a
squatter. You have to leave.

What? I'm not a squatter.

We didn't go over this
one, what do I say now?

Look, PJ, you're not in this
system. You sleep on a dog bed

and according to Beth
you're posing as a student

for a free place to crash.

What, no! Uh, I eat noodles.

(EXHALES)

I study, and I check my Facebook.

(SCOFFS) Normal college stuff.

Hey! Nobody believes you.

Take her away, college cop!

(BOTH CHEERING) Nailed it!

You can't do this to me! You bitch!

You stupid bitch!

Wow! We've got a real cat
fight brewing here, huh?

Come on, man, that's reductive.

(SHRIEKING)

I'll get you! I'll get you! I'll get you!

I respect your bodies
and your personal space

but I have to insist you get
out of each other right now.

Wait... What's going...
Is everything okay? Oh...

Are we in trouble or something?

- No, everything's great.
- Nope. You're fine.

We thought you were boning.

(CHUCKLES) We did.

We did think that but, but
now we can see you're having

an innocent and endearing dinner of...

Oh! Ramen Noodles and...
and, um, iceberg lettuce,

I love it. Very resourceful.

Thanks. I took the lettuce
from the dining hall.

I'm so glad you guys are just
eating dinner and not having the sex.

Oh, I mean, we already had the sex.

Like, um, we had a bunch of
the sex all over the room.

Yeah, why do you think we are eating?

We're starving from
all the sex we just had.

I really hope you didn't use
the condom from the board.

The one with the staple?

Yeah. Yeah...

No! No, we went to the
store and bought a bunch.

Who would use a condom with a hole in it?

That's great.

Um, can we have that one back, please?

No.

- Please?
- Don't worry,

we got rid of it. It's
definitely gone forever.

This is gonna be a little
snuggy on my Dougie.

(CHUCKLING)

What can I get you?

Okay. Okay. Smart kids.

They said forever.

I'm so sorry, you can't...
you can't have candles.

- No...
- It's against the rules...

- Can I have the...
- No.

This. Are you sure?

AMY: And I need this.

You know that noise that I
made when you were massaging me?

Mmm-hmm.

- It wasn't a noise-noise, it was, uh...
- Oh, please.

No, that was just a noise that
happens between two friends

when one happens to cause
uncontrollable pleasure

in the other one's body. It's no big.

Right. Yeah, and you know, I carry
a lot of stress in my shoulders.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, I know, I felt that
when I was caressing your body.

You know what? Let's not
talk about it anymore.

Yo!

Can I get like 11 of
those? Everybody horny.

Sam, Tyler, nice of you guys to join us.

What you guys been up to all day?

Why don't you tell them,
big boy, you earned it.

What was I up to? Well, I don't
know, I'm just solving my own problem.

By myself.

RA of the year!

Hey, ya!

Skinny, unfold that sleeping bag.

Butterbean, get that hot plate going.

Jazz Freddy,

take a shower, you stink.

First rule of squatting,
always squat with someone

who looks more like a squatter than you do.

Jess, dog bed.

(CHUCKLES) Oh! Springy!

Hello, old bed.

Dad, it's Paula-Jean.

I don't know what happened.
But can you just pick me up?

What? Oh!

All right. No, you're right.

(SCOFFS) I'll just take a bus.

(PHONE RINGING)

(CHUCKLES)

Hello.

On a scale of one to...

Ebola, how dangerous are homeless people?

I can't even begin to answer that question.

I know, it's hard to choose.

I don't even think Ebola's that dangerous.

Really hard to catch.

Anyway, I may have accidentally

kicked a resident out to the street

and allowed a homeless
person to squat in a room,

but I think we're safe.

- Oh, and in other news, I know you're...
- Um...

... all about promoting safe sex,

so I've been handing out condoms

and I've been telling
students to double-up.

Uh, anyway, got to run. Okay.

WOMAN: A-mark.

Just give it a good yank,
it'll come right off.

Not the... well, the condom, but not,
not when you put it on your penis.

(SING-SONGY) You guys are
going to have sex soon.

Morning sex, afternoon sex, anytime sex.

As long as you got a condom.

These aren't female condoms.

These are male condoms
so you have to put it on.

I mean, she can put it on
if that's part of your thing,

but you know what... do
you know what I'm saying?

You guys nervous?

Don't be nervous, doing it.

Penis in some holes.

I don't judge. You know,
maybe vagina, maybe... the butt.

- (LAUGHS) Sorry.
- MAN: Cut! Everybody...

MAN: Cut!

- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -