All language subtitles for The.Big.Bang.Theory.S11E22.HDTV.x264-SVA

What-what are you doing?

The light is red
so I came to a stop.

You're in a stolen cop car
with a dead hooker in the trunk.

You don't have to
obey traffic laws.

I know I don't have to.

The fun is choosing to.

Hey. Missed you guys
at the faculty mixer.

Ah, you should have been there;
dessert was bananas.

Sorry, that was misleading.
The dessert was pie,

but the pie was bananas.

Actually, the pie was cherry,

but the taste
of the pie was... bananas.

Those mixers are such
a waste of university money.

If they spent less money

on frivolous nonsense
and more money on science,

we'd all be better off.

You're a theoretical physicist.

What more do you need than
an office and a whiteboard?

Someday, my new formulas
on entropy decrease

due to quantum decoherence
will need to be tested

and that will require funding.

Your theories
are pretty abstract.

I wouldn't even know how to

design an experiment
to prove them.

Says the experimental physicist.

Well, I know a place the
university can make some cuts.

Bye, Leonard.

One second, one second.

He's got a point.

In order to corroborate
your string theory research,

you'd have to create
a black hole.

Wouldn't that destroy the Earth?

Perhaps, but we'd all go to
the grave knowing I was right.

I guess you could create

a contained
microscopic black hole.

Huh. Interesting.

Welcome back, Leonard.

Sorry, you're out.

What did I do?

Exactly.

♪ The Big Bang Theory 11x22 ♪
The Monetary Insufficiency
Original Air Date on April 26, 2018

♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪
♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man

Ooh, this one's pretty.

Mm. My mother
wouldn't approve;

shows too much clavicle.

She calls it
"the bosom's welcome mat."

I can't wait to get drunk

and pick a fight with
her at your wedding.

It's just so hard to tell
what will look good on me.

No. This is just
to give you ideas.

You know, do-do you want
something simple and elegant?

I mean, do you
want a train?

Ooh, we're talking about trains.

Not the kind
of trains you like.

Oh, I like all kinds of
trains-- steam, diesel,

coal, elevated, bullet.

I defy you to name a train
that I don't like.

The kind on the back
of a wedding dress?

I did not see that coming.
Good job.

But while we're on the subject
of fashion,

I'm asking the university
for some funding tomorrow.

What should I wear?

Mm. Well, I've got a push-up bra
I can loan you

that always gets me free drinks.

How much money are you
asking for?

$500 million.

Then I'd go no bra.

What do you need
that kind of money for?

I have figured out
an experimental design

that may corroborate my latest
thinking on string theory.

I just need 2,148
high-power lasers

to compress 20 micrograms of
gold into a small enough volume

to make a microscopic
black hole.

Just nod.

Mmm.

Sheldon, they're not gonna give
you half a billion dollars.

I mean, they won't
even give me that much

and I keep promising I can make
people's brains "grow younger."

Can you?

No. Shh.

But I need it. It's the only way
to settle the contradictions

between gravity
and quantum mechanics.

Well, it's too much money, you
can't ask for that all at once.

Well, what if I ask for it
in six easy installments

of $83,333,333.33?

Okay. What if you asked
for $20 million?

I'm sorry,
I'm trying to do science,

not hire Lady Gaga
to come to my birthday.

Do you even know
who Lady Gaga is?

Presumably,
the wife of Lord Gaga.

Sheldon, you know,
Penny's got a point.

Sometimes when you want
something big from someone,

you-you got to be careful not
to scare them away, you know?

You got to start small
and-and build up slowly,

even if it takes
eight years.

Eight long years.

That's oddly specific.

Have you ever done that?

Nope.

So with this level of
high-power laser array,

we would actually be able

to solve the black hole
information paradox

once and for all.

That's impressive, and how much
funding were you looking for?

$20 million.

Really?

You think you can build that
for $20 million?

Not a chance.

I'm sorry, then why are you
asking me for it?

Because once you've
spent $20 million,

you're much more likely
to give me an additional 50.

So actually, what you're saying
is with $70 million,

you can build this.

I can see why you'd think that,
but no.

You can't go
to the board of trustees

and say you gave Sheldon Cooper
$70 million

and have nothing to show for it.

No. The only way
you'd be able

to save face is to double down.

So 140?

And then double again.

280?

And then-- good news--
not quite double again.

So, uh, what do you say?

We have a deal?

He said no?

No. That's only
a two letter word.

You're gonna have to
double down.

Well, I'm sorry, Sheldon,
but this sort of thing happens.

Higgs had to wait
almost 50 years

before they built a collider
big enough to prove his theory.

50 years?

But I want to play with it now.

You just
have to wait for science

to catch up
or technology to get cheaper.

Think about, uh, DVD players--

they used to cost, like,
a thousand dollars,

but just the other day
I used one to smash a bug.

Yeah, you-you just have
to be patient.

But what if
while I'm being patient,

someone more relentless than me

badgers their university
into giving them money?

If there's someone
more relentless than you,

I'd like to meet them.

I would not.

I'm not waiting for the
university to come around.

I'll find another way
to raise the money.

Ooh, if it's one of those booths
where we can throw a pie at you,

I'm in for, like, 20 bucks.

40 bucks if I can throw
a DVD player.

Would you like some champagne?

Oh, thank you.

- Thanks.
- Sure.

This is nice.

What? Helping Amy find
a dress or day drinking?

It's just nice, okay?

What do you think?

Amy, oh, my God.

You look
so beautiful.

I feel beautiful.

And look: both clavicles.

Take that, Mom.

You know what they say:

if you got 'em,
flaunt 'em.

Is it possible that the very
first dress is the dress?

Oh, don't be silly.

You can't buy
the first dress you try on.

That'd be like marrying
the first guy that you...

You can't buy
the first dress you try on.

Little finger
sandwiches, too.

This place is amazing.
Interesting thing

about finger sandwiches:
you put enough of them together,

you got a sandwich.

Uh, guys,
we have a problem.

- Are you okay?
- What's wrong?

I look amazing in all
of these dresses!

Wow. Look at your waist.

Where you been
hiding that thing?

Bernadette, stop.

Penny, you say
something nice now.

Boy, you know, when Sheldon
sees you in that dress,

he's gonna want to
methodically take it off,

fold it up, carefully place it
in a storage box,

label it, and then ravish you.

Should I try on some more?

Are you having fun?

Am I having fun being beautiful?

Of course I am!

Great. Keep going.

This is it.

This is the one.

Do you love it?

Do you?

I do.

Wow.

Also, wow.

- Hello, Leonard.
- Hi.

Are you doing anything?

No. I'm just sitting here
at my desk

typing on my computer
for nothing.

That was my guess,
but I didn't want to assume.

Can you help me shoot
my Kickstarter video?

Do you really think people
are gonna give you

half a billion dollars?

Of course not, but if I can
raise enough seed money

to show that I'm serious,
I should be able

to attract some major investors.

And look at the cool
incentives I'm offering.

"For $50,000,
I will examine your diet

and create a customized
bathroom schedule."

That's fitting--
50 grand down the toilet.

Well, how about this?

For $100,000,
I will design the flag

of your house or apartment.

And for $1 million,

I will come over and tell you
what's wrong with you.

Aw, and all these years,
I've been getting that for free.

Don't be smug, Leonard.

That's one of the things
that's wrong with you.

Well, that was
a successful trip.

Yes.

Amy found a dress
that she liked.

She sure did.

She found

a dress that looked like...

like it made her happy.

She-she did look happy.

I mean, her face was
just glowing, so...

Yeah, we should make sure
the photographer knows

to just really...
get in there.

Mm.

So we agree it's awful?

That dress should be
set on fire!

Should we say something?

No, we can't.

But don't you think
she brought us with her

'cause she wants
our honest opinion?

No one wants that.

I do.

No, ya don't.

I don't want her
to look back

and think she made
some awful mistake.

You mean like your dumb
Cookie Monster tattoo?

See? Was that fun?

Someone's gonna
say something.

It should be us now instead
of everyone at her wedding.

Okay, but as long
as we do it gently.

And together.

Well, what about my dress?

Don't you like it?

- I don't.
- It's beautiful.

Hey, Stuart, I'd like
to sell some comic books.

Oh. Well, I know
all about that.

Step one is flunk
out of art school.

Well, why are
you selling 'em?

The university is refusing
to fund my experiment,

so I need to raise money
and do it on my own.

Ah. How much do you need?

For a start, I'm trying
to raise $500,000.

Well, I hope you have
that rare Superman

printed on the skin
of actual Superman.

I know you're making a joke,

but I really do have
some valuable issues in here.

And this is just
the first box of many.

All right, let's
see what you got.

Huh. Is this a complete run
of Todd McFarlane's Spawn?

Yes.

Ooh, look at this.

Giant-Size X-Men
number one,

Len Wein's relaunch
of the franchise.

Yeah. I know what it is.
I'm the one who bought it,

bagged it, boarded it
and taped it shut

while wearing
white cotton gloves.

Okay, well, you know,

I'm gonna have to open it
to assess its condition.

Just be gentle.

It's never felt
the touch of a man before.

You don't seem like you
really want to sell these.

Of course I don't want
to sell these.

These are all
important to me,

but not as important
as science,

and if this is the sacrifice
I need to make, then so be it.

Okay. Uh, why don't you
leave these here with me,

and I'll-I'll price
'em out for you.

Is it okay
if I stand here and watch?

Sure.

If anyone asks,
tell them I was brave.

Hey, I can't believe you just
threw me under the bus.

I know, right?
That was crazy.

Well...

Do you know how
that makes me look?

- Uh, that's an easy one-- bad.
- Well...

Why didn't you tell her that you
didn't like the dress, either?

I mean, what happened
to our united front?

I'm sorry. Is this your
first day being a girl?

Ooh, did your mom pack
your lunch?

Of course not.

Do you know how much it costs
to pack a tuna fish sandwich

in dry ice and overnight it
from Texas?

Well, I do, and my mother says
it's too expensive.

I like tuna fish.

Do you want it? I'll sell it
to you for $5,000.

How's the fundraising going?

Oh, that depends.
Raj, was that a "yes"?

No.

It's going badly.

How much have
you raised?

Well, with my
Kickstarter campaign,

selling my collectibles, and
the money in my bank account,

about $65,000.

Wow. That's a lot.

Yeah, not enough.

It's so frustrating that
science should be held hostage

to the almighty dollar.

Well, don't give up. You'll find
that money somewhere.

- You really think so?
- No,

but it's good
that he has a hobby.

You ever thought
of going to Vegas?

Can you be more specific?

Las Vegas?

Oh, you mean gambling.
Mm.

Oh. Well, that's not
the worst idea.

Um, it is the worst idea,
and I'm including the year

that Raj wore nothing
but tracksuits.

Ordinary people
can't beat a casino,

but mathematicians
and scientists,

they do it all the time.

Yeah, a group
of students

from MIT took Las Vegas
for millions, and that's MIT.

Howard went there.

Come on, Sheldon.

I'll give you a ride out
to the desert right now.

No one is going to Vegas.

No, we weren't
gonna make it to Vegas.

Hi. Do you
have a minute?

Depends. Is what
I'm wearing okay,

or should I go change first?

Look, I'm sorry.

I never should have said
I didn't like your dress.

It's your wedding,
and all that matters is

that you feel beautiful.

Thank you.

So, are... are we good?

No, we're not good.

You ruined my dress.

Well, why? I just said
you should wear it.

Well, I can't wear it now.
I mean, I know you hate it.

That's all I'm gonna
be thinking about.

No, I don't hate it.

I asked if you liked it,
and you said no.

There is a lot of room between
"don't like" and "hate."

You know, it's-it's where
you find rice pudding and jazz.

Anyway, who cares
what I think?

I do. You're the-the coolest,

prettiest, best-dressed
person in my life.

Okay, that would be
flattering,

except I know
all the people in your life.

Look, Amy,

I don't know what to say.
I think I got stuck on the fact

that it's not a dress I would
choose, but it shouldn't be.

You know,
it's your dress.

I mean, hey,
would you marry Leonard?

Ew.

Okay, a simple "no"
would have been fine, but...

you see my point.

That we're different people?

Yes, and from now on,
I am gonna remember

that this wedding
is all about you.

I appreciate that.

You're a good maid of honor.

It's Bernadette.
Hello?

I feel bad about hanging Penny
out to dry.

The truth is,
I don't like the dress, either.

Are you kidding me?

Now Bernadette doesn't
like the dress?

Oh, she is the worst.

Anyone seen Sheldon?

Last time I saw Sheldon
was this morning.

Careful. Don't say his
name a third time.

You don't think he actually went
to Las Vegas, do you?

Five red.

This is it.

- Is everything okay, sir?
- Oh. Hi.

It's better than okay.

I am a physicist, and I have
been observing this wheel

for hours and running
a chi-square analysis,

which is how I know that
the ball is far more likely

to land on 32, 17 or five.

So if you could hold off
on replacing this wheel,

I'd like to make
several large bets.

Well, good for you.
Pelican.

What's pelican?

- Sir, would you come with us?
- Oh, no.

I have to place my bet first.
This is for science.

- 17 black.
- No! No!

Oh, guess who's no longer
allowed to set foot in...?

Wow!

You look beautiful.

Really?

'Cause I was gonna return it.

Why would you return it?

You look like a pile of swans.

I'm so glad you like it...

because... it's gonna be
my wedding dress.

I can't wait to marry you.

Why do you smell
like smoke?

I was in Vegas.

Vegas?

I'm sorry. Las Vegas.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man