Original subtitles

Ooh, dude, you gotta check out

"The Guest Book" tonight!

It's the season finale!

Things are really gettin' crazy.

So remember that stripper I told you

about that was blackmailing people?

Well, the old dude finally put his foot down,

and he said he wasn't gonna give her the keys anymore.

You know, they totally fought.

And remember the doctor who lives next door

and how he was practicing with

a crossbow to impress his son

and how he was gonna go on a date with the cop?

Well, this fool slept with the cop!

And he shot the stripper in the tit with the crossbow!

The tit! And he and the old man

dragged her into the cabin.

But that's all you need to know to enjoy the season finale.

Oh, and you might want to know that the old couple is...

Is practicing line dancing. I know.

I watched it last week.

Not for me.

- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com -

This is bad, isn't it?

It is not good. I'll sure as shit tell you that.

- Is she dead? - No, she's just knocked out.

Once we get this arrow out, she should...

be fine.

What are you gagging for? I thought you were a doctor.

I am. I think this is just from stress.

Well, as long as she agrees

not to tell my wife anything,

we'll take her to the hospital.

Tell your wife about what?

Well, I started going to a bikini bar a few months ago,

and she threatened to tell my wife about it.

Seriously?!

Don't judge me until you've

been married as long as I have!

Looking at the same naked lady for 50 years

is like watching a candle melt.

I was just trying to get my juices flowing

so I could spice up my marriage.

And it was working, too.

We've never been closer.

We're learning how to line dance together,

and there's talk of a couples' pottery class.

Well, that's great for you. I got a cop in my bed

and a stripper with my arrow in her tit!

Oh, my God.

My wife is gonna have a field day in court with this.

- I'll never see my son again. - Trust me.

Vivian doesn't want to get the cops involved

any more than we do.

Just go get what you need to patch her up.

When she wakes up,

I'll talk some sense into her.

- Okay. I'll be back as soon as I can. - Yeah.

- Hey. - Hey.

I made you pancakes just in case

the crossbow practice made you hungry. Oh.

One of them is kind of shaped like a heart,

but that was an accident.

Or... was it?

You know, I think I need to...

Run in to work real quick, check on a patient.

It's nothing serious.

But I... You know, I should check in.

Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah, I-I-I'm sorry.

I probably should have asked before I made it.

I mean, it barely looks like a heart. If anything, it looks

more like a butt. I was just joking. But I didn't mean to make you

- think I was gonna stay all day. - No, no.

It's just that last night at dinner, you said you liked pancakes, so I

thought I'd just make some.

I'll see you later. Or not.

- Okay. - It's no big deal.

Unless you want to hang out, and then,

uh, call me, okay?

- I can give you a ride. - Oh, no need.

I usually jog in the mornings anyway.

- In bare feet? - Yeah.

That's how they do it in Africa.

It's hard to argue with those guys,

considering how many marathons they win.

I think I read in "Newsweek" that a Kenyan has won

every major marathon in

every city on every continent

for the last 35 years.

And if he doesn't run barefoot...

♪ He said, "Well, brother, it's simple ♪"

I got some sedatives for the...

Wilfrid?

Wilfrid!

Something happened.

What?

What are you doing up there?

Something happened.

What do you mean "something happened"?

Did she leave?

She did not leave.

Okay, so where is she?

Please.

Don't be mad.

You and I shouldn't argue. We're...

We're in this together.

In what together?

Well...

After you left,

I started to get worried that

if Vivian woke up, she might not be in the best frame of mind.

So to make sure she would listen to me

while I tried to reason with her,

I used the rope from the macramé owl

and tied her to a chair.

Okay. So where is she?

Well, when she woke up, she was

pretty aggravated, as predicted.

And no matter what I said,

she just would not listen!

- Where is she? - I don't know what we gonna do, Doc.

We've got a serious problem here.

Where is she?!

She's in the bedroom.

Oh, thank God, Wilfrid. I thought you killed her.

Oh, I could never do that.

I was hoping you'd do it.

- What? - So she wouldn't suffer.

I figured with you being a doctor...

What is wrong with you? I am not murdering anyone.

Well, I don't know what we're gonna do, Doc.

She's gonna tell Emma everything,

and that's gonna ruin the line dancing tonight.

Plus, now that I've tied her up,

I'm pretty sure I'll go to jail for kidnapping.

I will die in there.

I'd rather take my chances with killing her.

I'm sorry, Wilfrid,

but it's time to call the cops.

You seem like a really nice guy,

except for wanting to kill this stripper, but this has to end.

Great! Just great!

My wife is gonna divorce me,

and I'm gonna rot in prison!

Hi. Hi.

I-I-I-I'm sorry about all this.

I only shot you to protect Wilfrid.

But, uh, hopefully, we can forget...

Aah!

What the hell is that?!

I'm not sure. He brought it.

- What did I inject her with, doc? - A shitload of sedatives!

Am I gonna die? I don't wanna die.

I wanted to have children and travel the world.

I haven't even seen the Equator yet!

- Ohh! - What did you do that for?

- I was helping you. - I didn't ask you to help me.

Well, I didn't ask you to help me either,

but that didn't stop you from grabbing your bow and arrow

and going all Crazy Cat on her ass.

- Who? - Crazy Cat.

He was a Native American character

on the TV show "F Troop."

Have you really never seen "F Troop"?

This isn't what I wanted my life to be.

I just wanted a house

with a manageable yard and a water feature

and a man who will microwave

my dinner when I got too tired

and surprise me with a

small dog on Christmas.

Where did I go so wrong?

I just wanted to...

If you smother her now,

she won't feel a thing.

Is she dead?

No, she's not dead.

Just making sure she won't bite me again.

And thanks to you, she has drugs in her system

that everyone at the hospital saw

me leave with 15 minutes ago.

Goddamn it, Wilfrid. This is a mess.

This is a goddamn mess.

Calm down. Calm down. We'll figure something out.

Figure something out?!

We have... That's... She has a...

If you really don't want to kill her,

maybe we can find Frank,

and he'll talk some sense into her.

- Who's Frank? - Her stepson, works at Chubby's.

Not a bad guy. Gave me the tape

of me sucking on her titties so I could destroy it.

You were sucking on her titties?!

Not really. She smushed them into my face.

And with the camera angle, it...

Shit.

Hey, Dad! I'm gonna go put my stuff away,

and then we can go play with the crossbow!

Sounds great.

Hello?

Oh, hi, honey.

Oh, well, uh, I wanted to get my shoes shined

before line dancing, so I went down to the bus depot.

Hey.

Hey. You're winning the cool parent contest

with that stupid bow and arrow, but don't get used to it.

Next Friday, I'm gonna let him watch "Sausage Party."

Yeah, okay.

Hey, do you think maybe we could, I don't know...

Hey, Doc! Doc! Uh, I gotta go see the wife.

She needs me to try on my line dancing outfit

to make sure I won't trip on the fringe.

Wilfrid, I thought we were gonna go find that guy

so we could take care of that thing.

Uh, no, no, I'm sorry.

You're gonna have to talk to Frank alone.

The last thing I need right now

is an angry wife driving around, looking for me.

Happy wife, happy life.

- Yeah. - Now tha a husband.

We might still be married if you took

a page out of his book.

Oh, yeah, I'd love you to read

a couple chapters of this guy's book.

Tell me exactly which pages you want me to rip out.

I'm ready, Dad!

Oh, shit.

He went from being all cuddly to being all weird.

That's just how they act after they have an orgasm.

After a good dick sneeze,

the male brain just shuts down for a while.

Think of it as a compliment.

Hey, Andrew.

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

No. No, it's not weird at all. I'd love to.

Okay. Yeah, I'll be there as soon as I can.

He wants me to keep an eye on his kid while he goes to work.

See? Brain's back up and running.

This could be my chance to show

him I'd be a great stepmom.

If you want that little boy to like you,

just go inside and fill your purse with candy.

Until their wieners start calling the shots,

all those creatures think about is sugar.

Am I adopted?

You really want to talk about this now?

Again, thank you so much. You guys are gonna have a blast.

Bryce, you're gonna love her. Her name's Kimberly.

- See anything you like? - Ooh!

You gotta be kidding me.

She's still alive?

I thought you shot her with a bow and arrow.

Shh!

How'd you know that?

I drove up when she was kicking Wilfrid's ass.

I was gonna jump in, but then you went all Rambo on her.

- You didn't call the cops? - Hell, no.

She got what she deserved,

messing with people's lives like that.

- You sure she's not dead? - Positive.

But if you can't talk some sense into her,

- Wilfrid wants to kill her. - Good.

Let him kill her.

- Shh! - What are you worried about?

Them?

Hey, you guys care if somebody kills Vivian?

- I'm cool with it. - Can I watch?

She's your stepmom.

Only because she was married to my father for a month.

She's mean, man.

You see this?

That's a fork wound.

I got about 30 of those all over my body from her.

I don't take my shirt off at the pool

because I look like a baked potato.

- Always with a fork? - Yep.

She keeps it in her purse

and has a guy at the mall that sharpens it for her.

She bit me.

Yeah. Does that when she can't find a fork.

Shit.

If Wilfrid doesn't kill her,

do me a favor

and give me the heads up.

I might need to get out of town.

Kombucha, yo, make yourself skinny.

Let me out of here, you assholes!

I swear to God, I will kill you

if you don't cut me loose!

Mount Trace Rentals.

Oh, hey, Officer Leahy.

What does she want?

No, Froggy Cottage is empty right now.

I'll bet someone just left the TV on.

Would you mind going in there and turning it off?

There's a key hidden in a rock

somewhere in the backyard.

Why are you a cowboy?!

Found it!

Dad, I killed a crow.

That's great, buddy. Where's Kimberly?

Hey, what's going on in here?

Oh, I was just turning off the television for Emma.

Didn't there used to be some weird

macramé thing here?

Not sure. You know what I could go for right now?

Heart-shaped pancakes.

Ow!

This is why I wanted to kill her.

I-I can't believe this.

I finally sleep with a guy who has a job,

and instead of cuddling, I have to arrest him

for assault, kidnapping, false imprisonment,

- and attempted murder. - Untie me, you bitch!

She was blackmailing me. Does that count for anything?

- Shut up, asshole. - If you had any evidence, maybe,

but you destroyed the tape, so it's your word against hers,

and she's the one tied to a chair

with sedatives in her bloodstream.

Dad!

I got a squirrel!

Look at that! Aw, that's great, buddy!

That's great.

Let's, uh... Let's give the local wildlife a break

and, uh... here!

Go read for a while.

I'll be out as soon as I can, okay?

What kind of shitty cop are you?

I've been sitting here kidnapped for 10 minutes.

You're over there shooting the shit with your boyfriend.

You're not kidnapped anymore.

You're being detained while I investigate the situation.

Then cut me loose.

Your investigation is over. You said it yourself.

There's no evidence against me and tons

of evidence against them.

You're going to jail, boys.

Couldn't we just create some evidence?

- We could cut a deal with her. - I'm a cop.

I'm not gonna break the law to help you.

Say goodbye to your girlfriend, Doc.

The only pussy you'll be gettin' is shaped like a starfish

and belongs to a guy named Tyrone.

Okay, that... That's enough.

Why does the guy have to be named Tyrone?

- Dad? - Uh, yeah, buddy?

- What's a VIP room? - Um, what's a what?

- A VIP room. - What are you reading?

Some book about a character named Tickles

who's trying to sell a man a tape

of what he did in the VIP room.

There's a whole story in this guest book

about her blackmailing someone.

You weren't the first, Wilfrid. This is evidence!

Dad, who's that?

That's a stripper with a gag in her mouth

and an arrow in her tit, son.

But if you go play on those swings

and you don't tell your mom about any of this,

- we'll have ice cream for dinner. - Deal.

"Thanks for sharing your home with us. Your pal, John.

"P.S. That's not my real name." Damn!

Now what, assholes?

You don't even know where to find him.

Wilfrid, you don't happen to keep records

of everyone who stays at Foggy Cottage?

I sure do.

- Hello? - I was just wondering

if you wrote a story in a guest book

involving blackmail and feet?

- No. - Okay.

- Hi. My name is... - No.

- Hello? - Hi, this is Officer Leahy.

Nope. Wasn't me.

Yeah, right, there is no way Tim went to a strip club.

He's too much of a pussy.

No, it wasn't me.

Did you stay at...

No, it wasn't me.

G-59.

Officer Leahy.

Did you say the thing with the stripper

- had something to do with feet? - Yes, I did.

'Cause I just remembered when we were up there,

Tim tried to put his toe up my ass.

Maybe he knows something about this after all.

Here, grab a pen.

I'll give you his cellphone number.

- Hello? - Hi, this is the police.

Did you write a story in a guest book about a strip club?

Uh... Yeah, that was me.

I found him, and he'll testify.

He said that he will do whatever it takes to make sure

that woman's feet never touch an innocent man again.

So what do you say, sweetheart?

Do you want to go to jail,

or should we chalk this whole thing up

as one big misunderstanding?

Fine!

And you can't tell my wife I was sucking on your titties!

- Fine! - You sucked on her titties?

- She smushed them in his face. - Thank you.

Can you assholes untie me now?

Get this arrow out of my tit?

I'm starting to lose feeling in my nipple.

Hold on a second.

There's one more thing she has to agree to.

♪ This hit, that ice cold ♪

♪ Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold ♪

♪ This one's for them hood girls ♪

No, no, no! No, no, no!

♪ Them good girls, straight masterpieces ♪

♪ Stylin', wildin' ♪

♪ Livin' it up in the city ♪

♪ I got Chucks on with Saint Laurent ♪

♪ Gotta kiss myself, I'm so pretty ♪

- ♪ I'm too hot ♪ - Hot damn

♪ Call the police and the fireman ♪

- ♪ I'm too hot ♪ - Hot damn

♪ Make a dragon want to retire, man ♪

- ♪ I'm too hot ♪ - Hot damn

♪ Say my name, you know who I am ♪

- ♪ Too hot ♪ - Hot damn

♪ My band's about that money, break it down ♪

- ♪ Girls, hit your hallelujah ♪ - Whoo!

- ♪ Girls, hit your hallelujah ♪ - Whoo

♪ 'Cause Uptown Funk gonna give it to you ♪

♪ 'Cause Uptown Funk gonna give it to you ♪

♪ Saturday night, and we in the spot ♪

♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪

♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, ow! ♪

♪ Stop, wait a minute ♪

♪ Fill my cup, put some liquor in it ♪

♪ Take a sip, sign the check ♪

♪ Julio, get the stretch ♪

♪ Ride to Harlem, Hollywood ♪

♪ Jackson, Mississippi ♪

♪ We show up, we gon' show out ♪

♪ Smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy ♪

- ♪ Too hot ♪ - Hot damn

♪ Call the police and the fireman ♪

- ♪ I'm too hot ♪ - Hot damn

♪ My band's about that money, break it down ♪

- ♪ Girls, hit your hallelujah ♪ - Whoo!

- ♪ Girls, hit your hallelujah ♪ - Whoo!

♪ 'Cause Uptown Funk gonna give it to you. Whoo! ♪

♪ 'Cause Uptown Funk gonna give it to you ♪

♪ Saturday night, we in the spot ♪

♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

- Now, be honest. - Hmm?

Isn't this a lot more fun than that bikini bar?

- ♪ Don't believe me ♪ - You knew about that?

Of course I knew about it. I'm not stupid.

♪ Don't believe me Oh! ♪

- All right. Whoa. - ♪ Don't believe me ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, ow! ♪

- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com -