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1
00:00:00,883 --> 00:00:03,282
Hey, man. Huh? That
show I told you about,
2
00:00:03,402 --> 00:00:06,286
where people rent a cabin in the
mountains, is on again tonight.
3
00:00:06,288 --> 00:00:09,256
It's pretty much a different story
each week with brand-new characters,
4
00:00:09,258 --> 00:00:11,255
but there's a few
things you should know.
5
00:00:11,375 --> 00:00:13,219
So, there's this
stripper at a bikini bar
6
00:00:13,339 --> 00:00:15,709
who secretly records guys
doing crazy foot stuff,
7
00:00:15,829 --> 00:00:17,778
and then her and her
stepson blackmail them.
8
00:00:17,898 --> 00:00:19,862
- [FROG RIBBITS]
- And there's this old couple
9
00:00:19,982 --> 00:00:21,719
who gives out the keys
to people who rent the cabins,
10
00:00:21,839 --> 00:00:23,656
and the old dude started
going to the bikini bar.
11
00:00:23,776 --> 00:00:25,686
There's also a guy who lives
next door to the cabin
12
00:00:25,806 --> 00:00:27,083
who's going through a divorce,
13
00:00:27,203 --> 00:00:28,841
but I don't know what
the deal with him is yet.
14
00:00:28,961 --> 00:00:30,880
- Anyways, you should check it out.
- Yeah, I don't know.
15
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:33,035
My mother usually controls the clicker.
16
00:00:33,037 --> 00:00:34,637
[BAG THUDS]
17
00:00:37,206 --> 00:00:39,547
♪ Wherever we go ♪
18
00:00:39,979 --> 00:00:42,584
♪ That's fine by me ♪
19
00:00:42,704 --> 00:00:45,068
♪ We'll settle our bones ♪
20
00:00:45,469 --> 00:00:47,082
♪ Eventually ♪
21
00:00:47,202 --> 00:00:49,718
♪ Yeah, I need a break,
I need a minute ♪
22
00:00:49,838 --> 00:00:52,608
♪ Just give me one day ♪
23
00:00:53,008 --> 00:00:56,731
♪ Let's get, get, get away ♪
24
00:00:56,851 --> 00:01:00,116
- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
25
00:01:00,236 --> 00:01:02,699
[FROG CROAKING]
26
00:01:04,018 --> 00:01:06,953
PHYLLIS: Dear Jennifer,
something crazy just happened,
27
00:01:06,955 --> 00:01:09,789
so I thought I'd let you know
about it in your guest book.
28
00:01:09,791 --> 00:01:11,939
It all started when my husband decided
29
00:01:12,059 --> 00:01:14,248
we should treat his
boss and his new wife
30
00:01:14,368 --> 00:01:16,195
to a vacation in the mountains.
31
00:01:16,941 --> 00:01:18,664
♪
32
00:01:19,228 --> 00:01:21,432
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
33
00:01:21,552 --> 00:01:23,309
♪
34
00:01:23,429 --> 00:01:26,567
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
35
00:01:27,342 --> 00:01:29,041
JOHN: Let me do the talking.
36
00:01:32,296 --> 00:01:35,130
- In a hurry?
- Yeah. Sorry, officer.
37
00:01:35,132 --> 00:01:37,885
Um, normally, I would
be the one driving, but
38
00:01:38,005 --> 00:01:40,463
we stopped for lunch,
and my boss back there
39
00:01:40,583 --> 00:01:42,905
pressured me into having
a couple of beers.
40
00:01:42,907 --> 00:01:45,474
So, maybe you could let
us off with a warning
41
00:01:45,594 --> 00:01:48,177
since we were being so responsible.
42
00:01:48,730 --> 00:01:50,479
I guess that sounds fair.
43
00:01:51,273 --> 00:01:54,383
So your boss... Was
he drinking, as well?
44
00:01:54,385 --> 00:01:55,851
Which boss?
45
00:01:56,788 --> 00:01:59,793
Sir, will you step out
of the car, please?
46
00:02:09,005 --> 00:02:10,492
[DOOR CLOSES]
47
00:02:11,490 --> 00:02:13,936
Got one. He wouldn't
let me do much to him,
48
00:02:14,056 --> 00:02:16,298
but he's wearing a ring,
so I bet he'll cough up
49
00:02:16,418 --> 00:02:18,941
a couple hundred once
he learns it's all on tape.
50
00:02:18,943 --> 00:02:21,714
Okay. Hey, I, uh, found this picture
51
00:02:21,834 --> 00:02:23,445
- of you, me, and my dad.
- [ENGINE STARTS IN DISTANCE]
52
00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:25,746
I was thinking we could
put it up behind the bar.
53
00:02:25,866 --> 00:02:28,740
People come in here to get drunk
and stare at bouncing titties,
54
00:02:28,860 --> 00:02:30,476
not pictures of dead black men.
55
00:02:30,596 --> 00:02:33,013
Besides, I was only married to
your father for like a month.
56
00:02:33,133 --> 00:02:35,224
Keep it in your pocket
if you miss him so much.
57
00:02:37,728 --> 00:02:40,362
♪
58
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,858
That's twice!
59
00:02:52,978 --> 00:02:56,078
What'd you do, watch a pantyhose
commercial or somethin'?
60
00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:58,514
PHYLLIS: That... first of
all, that's ridiculous.
61
00:02:58,516 --> 00:03:01,854
You told me to speed up,
so how is this my fault?
62
00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:03,267
- Can I help you?
- Yes.
63
00:03:03,387 --> 00:03:05,449
We're here to pick up the
key for Froggy Cottage.
64
00:03:05,569 --> 00:03:07,857
- Coming right up.
- David just called.
65
00:03:07,977 --> 00:03:09,792
We can pick him up at the station.
66
00:03:09,794 --> 00:03:12,227
I'm gonna run next door
and get him some whiskey.
67
00:03:12,229 --> 00:03:14,129
[BABY VOICE] He sounded fussy.
68
00:03:14,131 --> 00:03:15,898
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
69
00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:21,855
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
70
00:03:22,306 --> 00:03:24,488
[RING]
71
00:03:24,608 --> 00:03:25,739
[BEEP]
72
00:03:25,859 --> 00:03:27,694
Chubbys... we won't tell if you don't.
73
00:03:27,814 --> 00:03:30,098
Bullshit. Hey, it's me.
74
00:03:30,218 --> 00:03:32,381
I don't think I should do this one.
75
00:03:32,383 --> 00:03:34,583
It looks like he was just
trying to get things going
76
00:03:34,585 --> 00:03:37,886
so he could bang his old
wife, and that can't be easy.
77
00:03:37,888 --> 00:03:41,056
I don't care. Business around
here isn't exactly thriving.
78
00:03:42,144 --> 00:03:44,777
Pick 'em up... slow.
79
00:03:44,897 --> 00:03:46,562
Look, blackmailing these horny tourists
80
00:03:46,564 --> 00:03:48,163
is the only way to keep this place open.
81
00:03:48,165 --> 00:03:49,598
And I can't go back to dental hygiening.
82
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,367
- That's how I got Hep C.
- I know, but...
83
00:03:51,369 --> 00:03:54,703
Don't come back here without
my money and a Twix!
84
00:03:54,705 --> 00:03:55,904
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
85
00:03:55,906 --> 00:03:59,141
♪
86
00:04:02,228 --> 00:04:05,234
Yep, they got my laptop,
and they took her purse.
87
00:04:05,883 --> 00:04:08,450
Well, just make sure to
cancel all her credit cards.
88
00:04:08,452 --> 00:04:10,285
Hey, I'm really sorry about this.
89
00:04:10,287 --> 00:04:11,654
Shh! I can't believe...
90
00:04:11,656 --> 00:04:15,157
No, not you. Someone's bothering me.
91
00:04:16,952 --> 00:04:19,057
Hey! Psst!
92
00:04:20,329 --> 00:04:22,666
Do you have any Plan B
pills I could borrow?
93
00:04:22,786 --> 00:04:24,600
- Excuse me?
- Don't tell David
94
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,368
because he's super pro-life,
95
00:04:26,370 --> 00:04:28,170
but mine were in the
purse that got stolen.
96
00:04:28,172 --> 00:04:31,022
David hates condoms, so
he told me to get on the pill.
97
00:04:31,142 --> 00:04:33,275
But the pill gives me
whiskers on my chin,
98
00:04:33,277 --> 00:04:35,844
so I've been secretly
taking Plan B instead.
99
00:04:35,846 --> 00:04:38,447
Anyway, do you have any I could borrow?
100
00:04:38,449 --> 00:04:39,982
No, sorry.
101
00:04:39,984 --> 00:04:42,718
Had a hysterectomy in my 20s.
102
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,687
Lucky.
103
00:04:44,689 --> 00:04:48,090
I bet you lost, like, 2
pounds just like that.
104
00:04:51,539 --> 00:04:54,502
Hey, buddy. Come on, man.
105
00:04:55,299 --> 00:04:56,565
Hey!
106
00:04:56,906 --> 00:04:58,336
What's that about?
107
00:04:58,456 --> 00:05:00,426
[MOUTH FULL] I told him
this was all your fault.
108
00:05:00,546 --> 00:05:03,138
[LIGHTER CLICKS] The separation?
Why would you do that?
109
00:05:03,140 --> 00:05:04,640
- Because it is.
- How?
110
00:05:04,642 --> 00:05:06,508
Plus, I had a date the other night,
111
00:05:06,510 --> 00:05:08,486
and he kept judging me with
those little beady eyes of his.
112
00:05:08,606 --> 00:05:10,579
I had to tell him something
to get him off my back.
113
00:05:10,581 --> 00:05:12,635
You're dating now?
114
00:05:13,150 --> 00:05:16,326
A guy from the gym took
me to the Red Lobster.
115
00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:17,853
Don't get all weepy.
116
00:05:17,855 --> 00:05:19,421
Mm-hmm.
117
00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:23,487
Pussy.
118
00:05:24,428 --> 00:05:27,504
♪
119
00:05:27,624 --> 00:05:29,641
- DAVID: Who's thirsty?
- I'll have one.
120
00:05:29,761 --> 00:05:31,900
Uh, but Phyllis doesn't drink.
121
00:05:31,902 --> 00:05:35,002
♪
122
00:05:35,276 --> 00:05:38,998
Last one in the hot tub has body issues!
123
00:05:39,118 --> 00:05:40,676
I don't drink?
124
00:05:40,678 --> 00:05:42,825
[LOWERED VOICE] This
weekend is already a disaster.
125
00:05:42,945 --> 00:05:44,407
And you get mouthy when you're drunk.
126
00:05:44,527 --> 00:05:47,016
I don't need another St. Patrick's Day.
127
00:05:47,859 --> 00:05:50,614
Fine. But your niece started that.
128
00:05:50,734 --> 00:05:53,043
- She's 8.
- She's racist.
129
00:05:53,163 --> 00:05:56,458
The alcohol kept flowing,
and by the end of the night,
130
00:05:56,460 --> 00:05:59,928
everyone except me could barely
make it back to their bedrooms.
131
00:05:59,930 --> 00:06:01,230
[LAUGHS]
132
00:06:01,232 --> 00:06:02,865
And that's when it happened.
133
00:06:02,867 --> 00:06:05,334
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
134
00:06:08,439 --> 00:06:11,110
- [SNORING]
- [RING]
135
00:06:14,712 --> 00:06:16,011
Hello?
136
00:06:16,013 --> 00:06:18,681
Jennifer, is that you? It's me, Marcia.
137
00:06:18,683 --> 00:06:21,150
I-I have to hurry. He's in the bathroom.
138
00:06:21,270 --> 00:06:22,685
I'm sorry. I think you...
139
00:06:22,687 --> 00:06:24,253
- MAN: Who are you talking to?
- [BEEP]
140
00:06:24,255 --> 00:06:26,922
No one! It's just the cats.
141
00:06:26,924 --> 00:06:28,964
[IMITATES CAT MEOWING]
142
00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,840
[BELL RINGS]
143
00:06:33,306 --> 00:06:35,094
Getting a call like that
144
00:06:35,214 --> 00:06:37,081
in the middle of the
night was pretty jarring,
145
00:06:37,201 --> 00:06:39,048
but since John blames me
146
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:41,622
for anything bad or
strange that ever happens,
147
00:06:41,742 --> 00:06:44,923
I tried to go back to bed
and just forget about it.
148
00:06:45,043 --> 00:06:48,514
- [TELEPHONE RINGS]
- [GASPS]
149
00:06:48,634 --> 00:06:50,623
[RING]
150
00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:53,291
- Hello?
- Jennifer, I need help.
151
00:06:53,411 --> 00:06:56,682
Okay, look, I'm not Jennifer.
We're just renting the place, okay?
152
00:06:56,802 --> 00:06:59,101
Yeah? You... Maybe you want the owners?
153
00:06:59,221 --> 00:07:01,654
Yes! Oh, I'm looking for
my sister, Jennifer.
154
00:07:01,774 --> 00:07:04,834
Ah, she always said she was gonna
move away and rent the place out.
155
00:07:04,954 --> 00:07:06,877
Damn, I really needed
her to wire me money
156
00:07:06,879 --> 00:07:09,246
for a bus ticket so that
I can leave my husband.
157
00:07:09,248 --> 00:07:10,447
[CAT MEOWS]
158
00:07:10,449 --> 00:07:12,582
- Are you being abused?
- Oh, no, no.
159
00:07:12,584 --> 00:07:14,684
I'm... I'm in a plural marriage,
160
00:07:14,686 --> 00:07:16,753
and I'm beginning to
have second thoughts
161
00:07:16,755 --> 00:07:18,860
about being married to
one man and three women.
162
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,590
You know, this latest wife is 24
163
00:07:20,592 --> 00:07:22,225
and he gave her bedroom duties
164
00:07:22,227 --> 00:07:24,361
and put me in charge of
laundry and pet care.
165
00:07:24,363 --> 00:07:27,553
- Well, that sounds terrible.
- Oh, it is.
166
00:07:27,673 --> 00:07:30,449
You know, I would just... I
would buy the bus ticket myself,
167
00:07:30,569 --> 00:07:32,536
except the sister wife who's
in charge of finances
168
00:07:32,538 --> 00:07:35,138
never lets the debit
card out of her sight.
169
00:07:35,140 --> 00:07:37,374
Man, if you could pay for a bus ticket
170
00:07:37,376 --> 00:07:39,142
with dryer sheets and kitty litter,
171
00:07:39,144 --> 00:07:41,578
I would've been out of here months ago.
172
00:07:42,910 --> 00:07:44,512
What?
173
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:46,727
Jesus! Um, hey.
174
00:07:46,847 --> 00:07:48,752
H-H-How much money do you need?
175
00:07:49,187 --> 00:07:52,389
I used my phone to go online
and wire her the money.
176
00:07:52,391 --> 00:07:54,424
You don't have to pay me back, Jen.
177
00:07:54,426 --> 00:07:57,227
I like to think you'd do
the same for my sister.
178
00:07:57,229 --> 00:07:59,349
Take care. Phyllis.
179
00:08:00,910 --> 00:08:03,869
So, when you, uh, retired,
180
00:08:03,989 --> 00:08:05,740
what was your specialty?
181
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,638
Shiatsu, reflexology?
182
00:08:07,758 --> 00:08:10,907
I would just touch the
guys really soft and slow.
183
00:08:10,909 --> 00:08:13,510
If he was a regular, I'd
let the back of my hand
184
00:08:13,512 --> 00:08:16,213
accidentally brush up against
his nut sack a few times.
185
00:08:16,215 --> 00:08:18,856
- Is that how you met David?
- Oh, no.
186
00:08:18,976 --> 00:08:22,501
- He wasn't a client.
- No, we met at a Mike Huckabee rally.
187
00:08:22,621 --> 00:08:24,654
David was holding a sign that said...
188
00:08:24,656 --> 00:08:26,468
What did it say again, honey?
189
00:08:26,588 --> 00:08:28,959
"If babies had guns, they
wouldn't be aborted."
190
00:08:28,961 --> 00:08:32,031
I didn't understand it at first,
so he explained it to me.
191
00:08:32,151 --> 00:08:34,497
And then he complimented me on my eyes,
192
00:08:34,499 --> 00:08:36,366
which pissed off his wife.
193
00:08:36,368 --> 00:08:38,635
Who turned out to be a
real bitch, by the way.
194
00:08:38,637 --> 00:08:41,004
- Total bitch.
- Anyway...
195
00:08:41,006 --> 00:08:42,940
Ah. [SIGHS]
196
00:08:43,060 --> 00:08:44,522
Where did you get that?
197
00:08:44,642 --> 00:08:47,177
I won it in a silent
auction at a charity event
198
00:08:47,179 --> 00:08:49,212
- for kids with jacked-up smiles.
- [CHUCKLES]
199
00:08:49,214 --> 00:08:51,894
I've been wanting to get out
of the city and give it a go.
200
00:08:52,014 --> 00:08:53,156
[SIGHS]
201
00:08:53,276 --> 00:08:56,418
- Hey, bud. You want to play some catch?
- No.
202
00:08:57,662 --> 00:09:00,323
[EXHALES DEEPLY] Okay.
203
00:09:00,812 --> 00:09:02,626
Wanna talk about what your mom said?
204
00:09:02,746 --> 00:09:04,694
No.
205
00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:09,132
- Oh, sh...
- Oh.
206
00:09:09,134 --> 00:09:10,433
♪
207
00:09:10,435 --> 00:09:12,936
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
208
00:09:16,045 --> 00:09:18,842
Whoa. Cool!
209
00:09:20,822 --> 00:09:22,712
[RING] Hello?
210
00:09:22,714 --> 00:09:25,315
- Phyllis, I did it. I got out.
- [CHUCKLES]
211
00:09:25,317 --> 00:09:26,917
I didn't even say goodbye to the cat.
212
00:09:26,919 --> 00:09:28,585
I was hoping you could pick me up.
213
00:09:28,587 --> 00:09:30,654
I'm across the street from a bikini bar.
214
00:09:30,656 --> 00:09:32,445
You're here?
215
00:09:32,565 --> 00:09:34,509
Yeah, the bus let me
off right in front of
216
00:09:34,629 --> 00:09:37,260
Wang's Tastey Delightful.
217
00:09:37,262 --> 00:09:39,429
Uh, Marcia?
218
00:09:39,431 --> 00:09:41,765
My husband's boss is here,
219
00:09:41,767 --> 00:09:44,467
and even though things started
out real rough at first,
220
00:09:44,469 --> 00:09:46,036
they're going well now, okay?
221
00:09:46,038 --> 00:09:48,967
I-I can't throw the midnight
caller into the mix.
222
00:09:49,087 --> 00:09:51,374
Well, I-I just need to
walk around the house
223
00:09:51,376 --> 00:09:53,554
and look for a clue
how to find my sister.
224
00:09:53,674 --> 00:09:55,045
Please, Phyllis.
225
00:09:55,047 --> 00:09:57,647
You're the only friend I have right now.
226
00:09:58,421 --> 00:10:00,216
Please?
227
00:10:00,218 --> 00:10:02,776
[DAVID SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
228
00:10:02,896 --> 00:10:05,889
Be right back. We're out of milk.
229
00:10:06,009 --> 00:10:07,891
Hey, Bethany should be able to make milk
230
00:10:07,893 --> 00:10:09,527
with how much I paid for her titties.
231
00:10:09,647 --> 00:10:11,428
[LAUGHTER]
232
00:10:11,430 --> 00:10:12,909
She didn't get it.
233
00:10:13,417 --> 00:10:15,208
Hello, it's Phyllis again.
234
00:10:15,328 --> 00:10:17,998
Last I left you, I was heading
over to pick up Marcia.
235
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,388
♪
236
00:10:21,442 --> 00:10:22,641
Marcia.
237
00:10:22,643 --> 00:10:24,443
Oh. How'd you guess?
238
00:10:24,445 --> 00:10:26,378
You're wearing four wedding bands.
239
00:10:26,380 --> 00:10:28,280
Oh. [LAUGHS]
240
00:10:28,282 --> 00:10:30,182
Yeah, hey, listen, do me a favor.
241
00:10:30,184 --> 00:10:33,319
Go inside, order me a
slippery shrimp, okay?
242
00:10:33,321 --> 00:10:35,187
I'm gonna go park the car.
I don't wanna take you back
243
00:10:35,189 --> 00:10:37,022
to the house till everyone's tits up.
244
00:10:37,024 --> 00:10:40,074
Okay. Slipper... Okay. Tits up. Got it.
245
00:10:40,394 --> 00:10:42,828
♪
246
00:10:48,569 --> 00:10:50,302
$1 for the teeth-bleaching strips.
247
00:10:50,304 --> 00:10:51,837
Do I have $1 and 10 cents?
248
00:10:53,140 --> 00:10:55,169
- Sold.
- Yay!
249
00:10:55,289 --> 00:10:57,977
I'm gonna see if these
work on buttholes.
250
00:10:57,979 --> 00:11:00,279
They don't. It just stings.
251
00:11:00,281 --> 00:11:03,182
Oh, now here's something you
both might be interested in.
252
00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:05,666
Plan B. Let's start the bidding
253
00:11:05,786 --> 00:11:08,387
on this convenient
little abortion at $3.
254
00:11:08,389 --> 00:11:09,855
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
255
00:11:09,857 --> 00:11:11,259
♪
256
00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:14,443
- Sorry. Are you closed?
- [DOOR CLOSES]
257
00:11:14,563 --> 00:11:16,879
- No, we're open.
- Great!
258
00:11:18,250 --> 00:11:20,791
- ♪ Come on ♪
- Your shoe's untied, buddy.
259
00:11:21,269 --> 00:11:24,637
Hey, Frank, can I talk to
you outside for a second?
260
00:11:25,522 --> 00:11:27,072
You lied to me.
261
00:11:27,074 --> 00:11:28,807
I should've known that
old man wouldn't have
262
00:11:28,809 --> 00:11:30,509
given you a laptop and a purse.
263
00:11:30,511 --> 00:11:32,111
Yeah, I stole it.
264
00:11:32,113 --> 00:11:33,979
I couldn't blackmail him.
265
00:11:33,981 --> 00:11:35,881
There are not that many
black people up here,
266
00:11:35,883 --> 00:11:38,350
and it doesn't feel right to
start turning on each other.
267
00:11:38,352 --> 00:11:40,052
He's not a tourist?
268
00:11:40,054 --> 00:11:42,528
No. He works at that rental place.
269
00:11:42,648 --> 00:11:44,790
Rents Cabins for the Owners.
270
00:11:44,792 --> 00:11:46,692
He gives people the keys.
271
00:11:46,694 --> 00:11:48,694
That old dude has a key
272
00:11:48,696 --> 00:11:51,712
- to every rental cabin on the mountain?
- Yeah.
273
00:11:51,999 --> 00:11:53,878
♪
274
00:11:53,998 --> 00:11:57,227
Well, let's get him a drink and
make sure he keeps coming back.
275
00:11:57,347 --> 00:12:00,195
That guy's our new retirement plan.
276
00:12:00,315 --> 00:12:03,309
PHYLLIS: So, uh, plural
marriage... not for you, huh?
277
00:12:03,311 --> 00:12:05,377
Uh, I don't know if I'm
against plural marriage,
278
00:12:05,379 --> 00:12:08,197
or if I just haven't found
the right guy and gal
279
00:12:08,317 --> 00:12:10,665
- and gal and gal.
- Yeah, well, you know,
280
00:12:10,785 --> 00:12:12,918
finding one of those is hard enough.
281
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,987
John and I get along pretty
well most of the time,
282
00:12:14,989 --> 00:12:17,623
but man, this week
has been so stressful.
283
00:12:17,625 --> 00:12:20,292
Plus, anytime anything goes
wrong, he just blames me.
284
00:12:20,294 --> 00:12:22,761
[GASPS] My husband and
wives do that to me, too.
285
00:12:22,763 --> 00:12:24,396
- Get out of here!
- I'm serious.
286
00:12:24,398 --> 00:12:27,618
It all started after I had
the worst Thursday ever.
287
00:12:27,738 --> 00:12:29,802
My bedroom in the basement flooded,
288
00:12:29,804 --> 00:12:31,236
a vending machine fell on me,
289
00:12:31,238 --> 00:12:33,238
and my favorite cat
accidentally hung herself.
290
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:36,075
Ever since that happened,
anytime anything goes wrong,
291
00:12:36,466 --> 00:12:38,733
they say it's my fault
because I'm cursed.
292
00:12:38,853 --> 00:12:40,646
Okay, that is bullshit.
293
00:12:40,648 --> 00:12:42,281
That is total bullshit.
294
00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:44,669
- You know, they call me "Schleprock".
- What?
295
00:12:44,789 --> 00:12:46,251
Which is some sort of reference
296
00:12:46,253 --> 00:12:48,253
to "The Flintstones"
that I don't even get.
297
00:12:48,255 --> 00:12:50,251
But I told myself, "If
they call me that one
298
00:12:50,371 --> 00:12:52,157
"more time, I am leaving."
299
00:12:52,159 --> 00:12:54,579
What do you think they
called me last night?
300
00:12:54,699 --> 00:12:55,949
Hmm.
301
00:12:56,287 --> 00:12:58,037
"Schleppy."
302
00:12:58,366 --> 00:13:00,699
But it was short for "Schleprock."
303
00:13:00,701 --> 00:13:01,802
Wow.
304
00:13:01,922 --> 00:13:04,386
John calls me "Drama Magnet."
305
00:13:04,506 --> 00:13:05,672
Oh.
306
00:13:05,792 --> 00:13:07,240
It's not from a cartoon,
307
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,842
but you know, if he ever does it again,
308
00:13:09,844 --> 00:13:11,777
I'm gonna just stand up for myself.
309
00:13:11,779 --> 00:13:14,474
You've inspired me, Marcia. I'm
not gonna take it anymore.
310
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:17,149
Good for you. [CHUCKLES]
311
00:13:17,151 --> 00:13:18,818
♪
312
00:13:18,820 --> 00:13:21,434
Anyone ever tell you you
smell like snickerdoodles?
313
00:13:21,554 --> 00:13:24,390
Yes! I've heard that quite a few times.
314
00:13:25,575 --> 00:13:27,315
- It's good, right?
- It's great.
315
00:13:27,435 --> 00:13:29,128
[FROG CROAKING]
316
00:13:29,130 --> 00:13:31,255
Once it was dark, I figured it was safe
317
00:13:31,375 --> 00:13:34,033
to take Marcia back to the house.
318
00:13:34,035 --> 00:13:36,335
[GRUNTS]
319
00:13:36,337 --> 00:13:39,672
Probably best if we don't
tell your mom about this.
320
00:13:39,674 --> 00:13:41,774
You can try it next
time you visit, okay?
321
00:13:41,776 --> 00:13:44,692
- You want to keep visiting, right?
- Are you kidding? Of course.
322
00:13:44,812 --> 00:13:46,123
Good.
323
00:13:47,315 --> 00:13:50,449
Can I shoot this with my shirt off?
324
00:13:50,451 --> 00:13:52,718
I don't see why not.
325
00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:57,320
This isn't my sister's house.
326
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:58,958
My sister's house is yellow,
327
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,727
and the mailbox is a mini Eiffel Tower.
328
00:14:01,729 --> 00:14:04,849
Marcia, this is the house you called.
329
00:14:08,469 --> 00:14:11,658
What... Does that look like a 2 or a 3?
330
00:14:11,778 --> 00:14:12,962
Uh,
331
00:14:13,082 --> 00:14:16,075
I-I don't know because it's...
it's very smudged.
332
00:14:16,077 --> 00:14:19,011
It could be a zero.
Actually, it's all smudged.
333
00:14:19,013 --> 00:14:21,992
I know. I guessed at most of those.
334
00:14:22,403 --> 00:14:24,450
I think... I think the cats peed on it.
335
00:14:24,452 --> 00:14:25,851
Oh, seriously?
336
00:14:25,853 --> 00:14:28,510
I think they knew I was leaving.
337
00:14:29,190 --> 00:14:31,624
At this point, we both realized
338
00:14:31,626 --> 00:14:33,262
something that you must have known
339
00:14:33,382 --> 00:14:35,227
when you started reading this story...
340
00:14:35,229 --> 00:14:38,497
You're not Jennifer, and
Marcia is not your sister.
341
00:14:38,499 --> 00:14:41,100
[BOTH LAUGHING]
342
00:14:43,502 --> 00:14:46,472
Oh. [WHISPERS] Oh, boy.
343
00:14:46,474 --> 00:14:48,440
Do you care if I sleep on the porch,
344
00:14:48,442 --> 00:14:50,476
and then tomorrow I can walk around
345
00:14:50,478 --> 00:14:52,578
and... and try and find
my sister's house?
346
00:14:52,580 --> 00:14:54,780
No, you can't sleep
outside. You'll freeze.
347
00:14:55,950 --> 00:14:57,883
I have an idea.
348
00:15:00,121 --> 00:15:03,263
Since my car is so small, I
let her sleep in David's car.
349
00:15:03,383 --> 00:15:05,257
Worst case... They'll wonder why
350
00:15:05,259 --> 00:15:07,226
their car smells like snickerdoodles.
351
00:15:07,228 --> 00:15:09,795
Anyway, just thought you'd wanna
hear how things turned out
352
00:15:09,797 --> 00:15:11,830
even if it wasn't your sister.
353
00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:18,237
Oh, by the way, don't wanna
make a big deal out of it...
354
00:15:18,239 --> 00:15:20,606
There was a used syringe
in your driveway.
355
00:15:20,608 --> 00:15:22,174
♪
356
00:15:22,176 --> 00:15:24,009
I decided to hide your guest book
357
00:15:24,011 --> 00:15:25,945
in a closet I found under your stairs
358
00:15:25,947 --> 00:15:29,333
so my husband doesn't read
any of this. Take care. Phyllis.
359
00:15:29,453 --> 00:15:31,784
[DOOR CREAKS]
360
00:15:33,001 --> 00:15:35,187
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
361
00:15:37,461 --> 00:15:39,349
[RING]
362
00:15:43,294 --> 00:15:46,131
[RING]
363
00:15:46,563 --> 00:15:48,100
Hello?
364
00:15:48,102 --> 00:15:49,758
Is Marcia there?
365
00:15:49,878 --> 00:15:52,137
- Who is this?
- It's Marcia's husband.
366
00:15:52,139 --> 00:15:55,574
I checked the phone bill online
and saw she called this number.
367
00:15:55,576 --> 00:15:58,764
Is she there? I just
wanna tell her I love her.
368
00:15:58,884 --> 00:16:00,713
Please.
369
00:16:00,715 --> 00:16:02,419
[CAT MEOWS]
370
00:16:02,539 --> 00:16:04,216
Hold on.
371
00:16:04,218 --> 00:16:05,651
[MEOWING CONTINUES]
372
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,203
[DOOR CREAKS]
373
00:16:11,592 --> 00:16:12,858
♪
374
00:16:13,561 --> 00:16:17,162
Oh, for shit's sake.
375
00:16:19,186 --> 00:16:20,485
Hey, Big Love.
376
00:16:20,487 --> 00:16:23,188
One of your wives just stole a car.
377
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:24,489
Hello?
378
00:16:24,491 --> 00:16:26,057
[CAT MEOWS]
379
00:16:27,248 --> 00:16:29,094
[RECEIVER CLATTERS]
380
00:16:36,436 --> 00:16:38,370
No sign of forced entry.
381
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:41,106
Are you sure you didn't leave
the keys in the Escalade?
382
00:16:41,108 --> 00:16:44,175
Positive. I left it right
there on that table.
383
00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:47,275
Someone must have
walked in and took 'em.
384
00:16:47,395 --> 00:16:49,347
Phyllis, you were up longer than us.
385
00:16:49,349 --> 00:16:50,815
Did you lock the door?
386
00:16:50,817 --> 00:16:53,482
Oh, yeah, sure. Front
door locked real tight.
387
00:16:53,602 --> 00:16:56,087
Back door, always open. [CLICKS TONGUE]
388
00:16:56,089 --> 00:16:59,657
Isn't that right, officer? You
know what I'm talking about.
389
00:16:59,659 --> 00:17:01,126
- Really?
- Hmm?
390
00:17:01,128 --> 00:17:03,428
Now? You decide to start drinking now?
391
00:17:03,430 --> 00:17:05,196
- [HORN HONKS]
- That's for us.
392
00:17:05,198 --> 00:17:07,599
I ordered a cab to take us
to the rental car place.
393
00:17:07,601 --> 00:17:09,256
- David, I don't mind driving you.
- No, you...
394
00:17:09,376 --> 00:17:11,069
Oh. You've done enough.
395
00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:13,271
Thank you, John, for an amazing weekend.
396
00:17:13,273 --> 00:17:15,974
I'm... I'm sorry, David.
I mean, trust me.
397
00:17:15,976 --> 00:17:19,210
My wife's the jinx in
this family, not me.
398
00:17:19,212 --> 00:17:20,912
What did you say?
399
00:17:20,914 --> 00:17:23,848
You know it's true.
You're a drama magnet.
400
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:28,553
Hey, David.
401
00:17:28,555 --> 00:17:31,890
You're gonna wanna take a
couple drinks for the road
402
00:17:31,892 --> 00:17:33,629
'cause you're gonna wanna
be real nice and lubed up
403
00:17:33,749 --> 00:17:36,086
when you find out that that
your monkey-brained child bride
404
00:17:36,206 --> 00:17:38,185
is probably pregnant
'cause her birth control
405
00:17:38,305 --> 00:17:40,765
was in her purse that got stolen.
406
00:17:40,767 --> 00:17:42,901
Mm. Mm. Oh, wait.
407
00:17:42,903 --> 00:17:47,605
And what birth control
would that be? Hmm.
408
00:17:47,607 --> 00:17:49,841
Well let's just go ahead and say
409
00:17:49,843 --> 00:17:51,609
she wasn't using Plan A.
410
00:17:51,611 --> 00:17:54,779
Isn't that right? That's right, David.
411
00:17:54,781 --> 00:17:56,548
Every time you finish
412
00:17:56,550 --> 00:17:59,484
pumping and wheezing on top
of your barely legal spouse,
413
00:17:59,486 --> 00:18:02,854
she just pops one of
those handy dandy little
414
00:18:02,856 --> 00:18:05,256
no-muss, no-fuss abortion pills.
415
00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:08,393
Hey, what... what do you
think your little right-wing,
416
00:18:08,395 --> 00:18:11,262
bass guitar-playing buddy
would think about that? Huh?
417
00:18:11,264 --> 00:18:14,065
What do ya think, you bald, alcoholic,
418
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:18,102
halitosis-having, cheap
wristwatch-wearing
419
00:18:18,104 --> 00:18:19,647
piece of shit?
420
00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:23,274
Borderline pedophile...
What... what do you think?
421
00:18:24,077 --> 00:18:25,502
The pill gives me whiskers.
422
00:18:25,622 --> 00:18:27,621
- I look like a catfish.
- Bethany,
423
00:18:28,064 --> 00:18:30,815
we'll talk about it in the car.
424
00:18:35,088 --> 00:18:37,188
I probably shouldn't have drunk.
425
00:18:40,243 --> 00:18:43,953
♪ First one gets me started ♪
426
00:18:44,298 --> 00:18:47,766
♪ Second one breaks me out ♪
427
00:18:47,768 --> 00:18:51,536
♪ Third one, I'm eating
fat fried chicken ♪
428
00:18:51,538 --> 00:18:55,640
♪ And cursing strangers out ♪
429
00:18:55,642 --> 00:18:59,744
♪ Fourth one, I reconsider it ♪
430
00:18:59,746 --> 00:19:02,981
♪ Fifth one, I'm having doubts ♪
431
00:19:02,983 --> 00:19:06,952
♪ On the sixth one, I'm
in a bathroom stall ♪
432
00:19:06,954 --> 00:19:10,855
♪ With my tongue in someone's mouth ♪
433
00:19:11,825 --> 00:19:15,260
♪ Lord, I need a double of ♪
434
00:19:15,262 --> 00:19:18,263
♪ One too many's not enough ♪
435
00:19:18,265 --> 00:19:19,731
♪ But ooh ♪
436
00:19:19,733 --> 00:19:23,235
♪ Tip it back, it ain't no bluff ♪
437
00:19:23,237 --> 00:19:26,701
♪ One too many's not enough ♪
438
00:19:26,821 --> 00:19:31,009
♪ No, one too many's
not enough, no, no ♪
439
00:19:32,246 --> 00:19:34,479
- Hi.
- [DOOR CLOSES]
440
00:19:34,481 --> 00:19:37,082
I'm here to pick up the
keys to Froggy Cottage.
441
00:19:37,084 --> 00:19:39,026
My husband usually handles that.
442
00:19:39,146 --> 00:19:41,051
I don't know where he done got off to.
443
00:19:41,171 --> 00:19:43,254
But I can help you,
though. Nice place...
444
00:19:43,374 --> 00:19:45,437
Some jackass pissed in the kitchen,
445
00:19:45,557 --> 00:19:48,575
but I mopped it up. They
left an awful lot of liquor, too.
446
00:19:48,695 --> 00:19:51,169
- You can help yourself if you like.
- Oh, no, thanks.
447
00:19:51,289 --> 00:19:54,949
I'm up here so my girlfriend
can get to know my daughter.
448
00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:58,169
Probably not the best time
to impair our judgment.
449
00:20:03,275 --> 00:20:06,709
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]
450
00:20:06,829 --> 00:20:08,635
Phyllis? It's Marcia.
451
00:20:08,755 --> 00:20:11,123
Listen, sorry about
the car. I-I got hungry,
452
00:20:11,243 --> 00:20:13,780
so I grabbed the keys from
inside and I went looking for food.
453
00:20:13,900 --> 00:20:16,891
But then a bee flew in the
car, and I drove it into the lake.
454
00:20:17,011 --> 00:20:20,053
I managed to swim to shore, but
the Escalade sunk to the bottom.
455
00:20:20,173 --> 00:20:22,165
[HORN BLARES] Man: Get off
the highway, you stupid bitch!
456
00:20:22,285 --> 00:20:24,274
You! You get off the
highway, you stupid bitch!
457
00:20:24,394 --> 00:20:26,777
Anyway, I've decided to
hitchhike back home.
458
00:20:26,779 --> 00:20:28,494
I'm just... I'm no good on my own.
459
00:20:28,514 --> 00:20:30,815
And if the insurance company
needs to get in touch with me,
460
00:20:30,817 --> 00:20:33,502
- my number's 7-4...
- [TRUCK HORN BLARES]
461
00:20:33,622 --> 00:20:35,601
- ... 3-8. Take care!
- [LINE DISCONNECTS]
462
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:38,332
- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 -
- www.addic7ed.com -
35031
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