Original subtitles

Hey, man. Huh? That show I told you about,

where people rent a cabin in the mountains, is on again tonight.

It's pretty much a different story each week with brand-new characters,

but there's a few things you should know.

So, there's this stripper at a bikini bar

who secretly records guys doing crazy foot stuff,

and then her and her stepson blackmail them.

- [FROG RIBBITS] - And there's this old couple

who gives out the keys to people who rent the cabins,

and the old dude started going to the bikini bar.

There's also a guy who lives next door to the cabin

who's going through a divorce,

but I don't know what the deal with him is yet.

- Anyways, you should check it out. - Yeah, I don't know.

My mother usually controls the clicker.

[BAG THUDS]

♪ Wherever we go ♪

♪ That's fine by me ♪

♪ We'll settle our bones ♪

♪ Eventually ♪

♪ Yeah, I need a break, I need a minute ♪

♪ Just give me one day ♪

♪ Let's get, get, get away ♪

- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com -

[FROG CROAKING]

PHYLLIS: Dear Jennifer, something crazy just happened,

so I thought I'd let you know about it in your guest book.

It all started when my husband decided

we should treat his boss and his new wife

to a vacation in the mountains.

♪

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

♪

[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]

JOHN: Let me do the talking.

- In a hurry? - Yeah. Sorry, officer.

Um, normally, I would be the one driving, but

we stopped for lunch, and my boss back there

pressured me into having a couple of beers.

So, maybe you could let us off with a warning

since we were being so responsible.

I guess that sounds fair.

So your boss... Was he drinking, as well?

Which boss?

Sir, will you step out of the car, please?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Got one. He wouldn't let me do much to him,

but he's wearing a ring, so I bet he'll cough up

a couple hundred once he learns it's all on tape.

Okay. Hey, I, uh, found this picture

- of you, me, and my dad. - [ENGINE STARTS IN DISTANCE]

I was thinking we could put it up behind the bar.

People come in here to get drunk and stare at bouncing titties,

not pictures of dead black men.

Besides, I was only married to your father for like a month.

Keep it in your pocket if you miss him so much.

♪

That's twice!

What'd you do, watch a pantyhose commercial or somethin'?

PHYLLIS: That... first of all, that's ridiculous.

You told me to speed up, so how is this my fault?

- Can I help you? - Yes.

We're here to pick up the key for Froggy Cottage.

- Coming right up. - David just called.

We can pick him up at the station.

I'm gonna run next door and get him some whiskey.

[BABY VOICE] He sounded fussy.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[RING]

[BEEP]

Chubbys... we won't tell if you don't.

Bullshit. Hey, it's me.

I don't think I should do this one.

It looks like he was just trying to get things going

so he could bang his old wife, and that can't be easy.

I don't care. Business around here isn't exactly thriving.

Pick 'em up... slow.

Look, blackmailing these horny tourists

is the only way to keep this place open.

And I can't go back to dental hygiening.

- That's how I got Hep C. - I know, but...

Don't come back here without my money and a Twix!

[LINE DISCONNECTS]

♪

Yep, they got my laptop, and they took her purse.

Well, just make sure to cancel all her credit cards.

Hey, I'm really sorry about this.

Shh! I can't believe...

No, not you. Someone's bothering me.

Hey! Psst!

Do you have any Plan B pills I could borrow?

- Excuse me? - Don't tell David

because he's super pro-life,

but mine were in the purse that got stolen.

David hates condoms, so he told me to get on the pill.

But the pill gives me whiskers on my chin,

so I've been secretly taking Plan B instead.

Anyway, do you have any I could borrow?

No, sorry.

Had a hysterectomy in my 20s.

Lucky.

I bet you lost, like, 2 pounds just like that.

Hey, buddy. Come on, man.

Hey!

What's that about?

[MOUTH FULL] I told him this was all your fault.

[LIGHTER CLICKS] The separation? Why would you do that?

- Because it is. - How?

Plus, I had a date the other night,

and he kept judging me with those little beady eyes of his.

I had to tell him something to get him off my back.

You're dating now?

A guy from the gym took me to the Red Lobster.

Don't get all weepy.

Mm-hmm.

Pussy.

♪

- DAVID: Who's thirsty? - I'll have one.

Uh, but Phyllis doesn't drink.

♪

Last one in the hot tub has body issues!

I don't drink?

[LOWERED VOICE] This weekend is already a disaster.

And you get mouthy when you're drunk.

I don't need another St. Patrick's Day.

Fine. But your niece started that.

- She's 8. - She's racist.

The alcohol kept flowing, and by the end of the night,

everyone except me could barely make it back to their bedrooms.

[LAUGHS]

And that's when it happened.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

- [SNORING] - [RING]

Hello?

Jennifer, is that you? It's me, Marcia.

I-I have to hurry. He's in the bathroom.

I'm sorry. I think you...

- MAN: Who are you talking to? - [BEEP]

No one! It's just the cats.

[IMITATES CAT MEOWING]

[BELL RINGS]

Getting a call like that

in the middle of the night was pretty jarring,

but since John blames me

for anything bad or strange that ever happens,

I tried to go back to bed and just forget about it.

- [TELEPHONE RINGS] - [GASPS]

[RING]

- Hello? - Jennifer, I need help.

Okay, look, I'm not Jennifer. We're just renting the place, okay?

Yeah? You... Maybe you want the owners?

Yes! Oh, I'm looking for my sister, Jennifer.

Ah, she always said she was gonna move away and rent the place out.

Damn, I really needed her to wire me money

for a bus ticket so that I can leave my husband.

[CAT MEOWS]

- Are you being abused? - Oh, no, no.

I'm... I'm in a plural marriage,

and I'm beginning to have second thoughts

about being married to one man and three women.

You know, this latest wife is 24

and he gave her bedroom duties

and put me in charge of laundry and pet care.

- Well, that sounds terrible. - Oh, it is.

You know, I would just... I would buy the bus ticket myself,

except the sister wife who's in charge of finances

never lets the debit card out of her sight.

Man, if you could pay for a bus ticket

with dryer sheets and kitty litter,

I would've been out of here months ago.

What?

Jesus! Um, hey.

H-H-How much money do you need?

I used my phone to go online and wire her the money.

You don't have to pay me back, Jen.

I like to think you'd do the same for my sister.

Take care. Phyllis.

So, when you, uh, retired,

what was your specialty?

Shiatsu, reflexology?

I would just touch the guys really soft and slow.

If he was a regular, I'd let the back of my hand

accidentally brush up against his nut sack a few times.

- Is that how you met David? - Oh, no.

- He wasn't a client. - No, we met at a Mike Huckabee rally.

David was holding a sign that said...

What did it say again, honey?

"If babies had guns, they wouldn't be aborted."

I didn't understand it at first, so he explained it to me.

And then he complimented me on my eyes,

which pissed off his wife.

Who turned out to be a real bitch, by the way.

- Total bitch. - Anyway...

Ah. [SIGHS]

Where did you get that?

I won it in a silent auction at a charity event

- for kids with jacked-up smiles. - [CHUCKLES]

I've been wanting to get out of the city and give it a go.

[SIGHS]

- Hey, bud. You want to play some catch? - No.

[EXHALES DEEPLY] Okay.

Wanna talk about what your mom said?

No.

- Oh, sh... - Oh.

♪

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Whoa. Cool!

[RING] Hello?

- Phyllis, I did it. I got out. - [CHUCKLES]

I didn't even say goodbye to the cat.

I was hoping you could pick me up.

I'm across the street from a bikini bar.

You're here?

Yeah, the bus let me off right in front of

Wang's Tastey Delightful.

Uh, Marcia?

My husband's boss is here,

and even though things started out real rough at first,

they're going well now, okay?

I-I can't throw the midnight caller into the mix.

Well, I-I just need to walk around the house

and look for a clue how to find my sister.

Please, Phyllis.

You're the only friend I have right now.

Please?

[DAVID SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Be right back. We're out of milk.

Hey, Bethany should be able to make milk

with how much I paid for her titties.

[LAUGHTER]

She didn't get it.

Hello, it's Phyllis again.

Last I left you, I was heading over to pick up Marcia.

♪

Marcia.

Oh. How'd you guess?

You're wearing four wedding bands.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

Yeah, hey, listen, do me a favor.

Go inside, order me a slippery shrimp, okay?

I'm gonna go park the car. I don't wanna take you back

to the house till everyone's tits up.

Okay. Slipper... Okay. Tits up. Got it.

♪

$1 for the teeth-bleaching strips.

Do I have $1 and 10 cents?

- Sold. - Yay!

I'm gonna see if these work on buttholes.

They don't. It just stings.

Oh, now here's something you both might be interested in.

Plan B. Let's start the bidding

on this convenient little abortion at $3.

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪

- Sorry. Are you closed? - [DOOR CLOSES]

- No, we're open. - Great!

- ♪ Come on ♪ - Your shoe's untied, buddy.

Hey, Frank, can I talk to you outside for a second?

You lied to me.

I should've known that old man wouldn't have

given you a laptop and a purse.

Yeah, I stole it.

I couldn't blackmail him.

There are not that many black people up here,

and it doesn't feel right to start turning on each other.

He's not a tourist?

No. He works at that rental place.

Rents Cabins for the Owners.

He gives people the keys.

That old dude has a key

- to every rental cabin on the mountain? - Yeah.

♪

Well, let's get him a drink and make sure he keeps coming back.

That guy's our new retirement plan.

PHYLLIS: So, uh, plural marriage... not for you, huh?

Uh, I don't know if I'm against plural marriage,

or if I just haven't found the right guy and gal

- and gal and gal. - Yeah, well, you know,

finding one of those is hard enough.

John and I get along pretty well most of the time,

but man, this week has been so stressful.

Plus, anytime anything goes wrong, he just blames me.

[GASPS] My husband and wives do that to me, too.

- Get out of here! - I'm serious.

It all started after I had the worst Thursday ever.

My bedroom in the basement flooded,

a vending machine fell on me,

and my favorite cat accidentally hung herself.

Ever since that happened, anytime anything goes wrong,

they say it's my fault because I'm cursed.

Okay, that is bullshit.

That is total bullshit.

- You know, they call me "Schleprock". - What?

Which is some sort of reference

to "The Flintstones" that I don't even get.

But I told myself, "If they call me that one

"more time, I am leaving."

What do you think they called me last night?

Hmm.

"Schleppy."

But it was short for "Schleprock."

Wow.

John calls me "Drama Magnet."

Oh.

It's not from a cartoon,

but you know, if he ever does it again,

I'm gonna just stand up for myself.

You've inspired me, Marcia. I'm not gonna take it anymore.

Good for you. [CHUCKLES]

♪

Anyone ever tell you you smell like snickerdoodles?

Yes! I've heard that quite a few times.

- It's good, right? - It's great.

[FROG CROAKING]

Once it was dark, I figured it was safe

to take Marcia back to the house.

[GRUNTS]

Probably best if we don't tell your mom about this.

You can try it next time you visit, okay?

- You want to keep visiting, right? - Are you kidding? Of course.

Good.

Can I shoot this with my shirt off?

I don't see why not.

This isn't my sister's house.

My sister's house is yellow,

and the mailbox is a mini Eiffel Tower.

Marcia, this is the house you called.

What... Does that look like a 2 or a 3?

Uh,

I-I don't know because it's... it's very smudged.

It could be a zero. Actually, it's all smudged.

I know. I guessed at most of those.

I think... I think the cats peed on it.

Oh, seriously?

I think they knew I was leaving.

At this point, we both realized

something that you must have known

when you started reading this story...

You're not Jennifer, and Marcia is not your sister.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh. [WHISPERS] Oh, boy.

Do you care if I sleep on the porch,

and then tomorrow I can walk around

and... and try and find my sister's house?

No, you can't sleep outside. You'll freeze.

I have an idea.

Since my car is so small, I let her sleep in David's car.

Worst case... They'll wonder why

their car smells like snickerdoodles.

Anyway, just thought you'd wanna hear how things turned out

even if it wasn't your sister.

Oh, by the way, don't wanna make a big deal out of it...

There was a used syringe in your driveway.

♪

I decided to hide your guest book

in a closet I found under your stairs

so my husband doesn't read any of this. Take care. Phyllis.

[DOOR CREAKS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[RING]

Hello?

Is Marcia there?

- Who is this? - It's Marcia's husband.

I checked the phone bill online and saw she called this number.

Is she there? I just wanna tell her I love her.

Please.

[CAT MEOWS]

Hold on.

[MEOWING CONTINUES]

[DOOR CREAKS]

♪

Oh, for shit's sake.

Hey, Big Love.

One of your wives just stole a car.

Hello?

[CAT MEOWS]

[RECEIVER CLATTERS]

No sign of forced entry.

Are you sure you didn't leave the keys in the Escalade?

Positive. I left it right there on that table.

Someone must have walked in and took 'em.

Phyllis, you were up longer than us.

Did you lock the door?

Oh, yeah, sure. Front door locked real tight.

Back door, always open. [CLICKS TONGUE]

Isn't that right, officer? You know what I'm talking about.

- Really? - Hmm?

Now? You decide to start drinking now?

- [HORN HONKS] - That's for us.

I ordered a cab to take us to the rental car place.

- David, I don't mind driving you. - No, you...

Oh. You've done enough.

Thank you, John, for an amazing weekend.

I'm... I'm sorry, David. I mean, trust me.

My wife's the jinx in this family, not me.

What did you say?

You know it's true. You're a drama magnet.

Hey, David.

You're gonna wanna take a couple drinks for the road

'cause you're gonna wanna be real nice and lubed up

when you find out that that your monkey-brained child bride

is probably pregnant 'cause her birth control

was in her purse that got stolen.

Mm. Mm. Oh, wait.

And what birth control would that be? Hmm.

Well let's just go ahead and say

she wasn't using Plan A.

Isn't that right? That's right, David.

Every time you finish

pumping and wheezing on top of your barely legal spouse,

she just pops one of those handy dandy little

no-muss, no-fuss abortion pills.

Hey, what... what do you think your little right-wing,

bass guitar-playing buddy would think about that? Huh?

What do ya think, you bald, alcoholic,

halitosis-having, cheap wristwatch-wearing

piece of shit?

Borderline pedophile... What... what do you think?

The pill gives me whiskers.

- I look like a catfish. - Bethany,

we'll talk about it in the car.

I probably shouldn't have drunk.

♪ First one gets me started ♪

♪ Second one breaks me out ♪

♪ Third one, I'm eating fat fried chicken ♪

♪ And cursing strangers out ♪

♪ Fourth one, I reconsider it ♪

♪ Fifth one, I'm having doubts ♪

♪ On the sixth one, I'm in a bathroom stall ♪

♪ With my tongue in someone's mouth ♪

♪ Lord, I need a double of ♪

♪ One too many's not enough ♪

♪ But ooh ♪

♪ Tip it back, it ain't no bluff ♪

♪ One too many's not enough ♪

♪ No, one too many's not enough, no, no ♪

- Hi. - [DOOR CLOSES]

I'm here to pick up the keys to Froggy Cottage.

My husband usually handles that.

I don't know where he done got off to.

But I can help you, though. Nice place...

Some jackass pissed in the kitchen,

but I mopped it up. They left an awful lot of liquor, too.

- You can help yourself if you like. - Oh, no, thanks.

I'm up here so my girlfriend can get to know my daughter.

Probably not the best time to impair our judgment.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

Phyllis? It's Marcia.

Listen, sorry about the car. I-I got hungry,

so I grabbed the keys from inside and I went looking for food.

But then a bee flew in the car, and I drove it into the lake.

I managed to swim to shore, but the Escalade sunk to the bottom.

[HORN BLARES] Man: Get off the highway, you stupid bitch!

You! You get off the highway, you stupid bitch!

Anyway, I've decided to hitchhike back home.

I'm just... I'm no good on my own.

And if the insurance company needs to get in touch with me,

- my number's 7-4... - [TRUCK HORN BLARES]

- ... 3-8. Take care! - [LINE DISCONNECTS]

- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 - - www.addic7ed.com -