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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,398 --> 00:00:07,299 I need passion and romance and sex in my life, 2 00:00:07,804 --> 00:00:09,378 and Martin just doesn't. 3 00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:10,704 I bet you never would have dreamed 4 00:00:10,710 --> 00:00:13,077 you'd be eating street meat and making out in a parking lot. 5 00:00:13,083 --> 00:00:15,269 Yeah, well, we're not exactly making out. 6 00:00:16,534 --> 00:00:18,016 I wanna fix things with Lena. 7 00:00:18,022 --> 00:00:19,333 Dude, when did this happen? 8 00:00:19,339 --> 00:00:21,339 What if I had danced with her at our wedding? 9 00:00:21,345 --> 00:00:23,909 Maybe it would have changed the entire course of our marriage. 10 00:00:23,915 --> 00:00:25,835 I am so turned on right now. 11 00:00:56,873 --> 00:00:59,678 Mae? I asked you to put away your laundry. 12 00:01:00,301 --> 00:01:01,782 May I finish this chapter? 13 00:01:02,654 --> 00:01:05,887 And, Mason, it's your turn to unload the dishwasher, remember? 14 00:01:05,893 --> 00:01:07,777 Just a sec. 15 00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:10,487 And, hey, what about you? 16 00:01:10,493 --> 00:01:12,703 Did you put the toys away in your room like I asked? 17 00:01:14,590 --> 00:01:15,790 What is... 18 00:01:16,066 --> 00:01:17,266 What are you doing? 19 00:01:17,648 --> 00:01:20,151 What is... what is going on? What are you... 20 00:01:22,857 --> 00:01:25,175 Are you running out the clock right now? 21 00:01:25,376 --> 00:01:26,923 Are you stalling me 22 00:01:26,929 --> 00:01:28,929 until Dad Week so you don't have to do your chores? 23 00:01:28,953 --> 00:01:30,828 If you could hear how crazy you sound... 24 00:01:30,834 --> 00:01:32,034 Mae? 25 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,327 - I plead the fifth. - I plead the fifth, too, 26 00:01:34,333 --> 00:01:36,333 because we're doing what you said. 27 00:01:36,432 --> 00:01:38,133 You suck at the fifth. 28 00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:40,530 Okay. I get it. I get the appeal. 29 00:01:40,993 --> 00:01:43,226 Guess what. I'm in. 30 00:01:43,232 --> 00:01:45,227 I'm leaving my chores for Dad Week, too. 31 00:01:45,233 --> 00:01:46,803 - She's bluffing. - Is she? 32 00:01:46,809 --> 00:01:49,485 You don't know her. She's a changed woman. She's loco. 33 00:01:49,491 --> 00:01:51,022 Okay, now you do sound crazy. 34 00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:53,098 Why is your third-person persona Hispanic? 35 00:01:53,104 --> 00:01:54,514 No lo s�, mamacita. 36 00:01:56,906 --> 00:01:59,956 What is going on in here? 37 00:02:00,057 --> 00:02:01,354 Unclear. 38 00:02:01,733 --> 00:02:03,049 Mom's trying to be fun. 39 00:02:03,055 --> 00:02:05,448 Mom's pretty fun these days. 40 00:02:06,329 --> 00:02:08,941 I'd ask what that means, but I'm too fun to care. 41 00:02:08,947 --> 00:02:12,127 And I'd pick up all this clean laundry, but... 42 00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:14,525 my week is over. Bye! 43 00:02:14,531 --> 00:02:15,731 Text me if you need me. 44 00:02:16,114 --> 00:02:17,314 Okay. 45 00:02:17,462 --> 00:02:19,170 - Did you guys do your chores? - Yep. 46 00:02:19,176 --> 00:02:22,197 - Yep. - I plead the fifth because we didn't. 47 00:02:22,867 --> 00:02:25,173 How am I doing it wrong? 48 00:02:28,973 --> 00:02:30,770 - You want some? Want some? - Don't do it. 49 00:02:30,776 --> 00:02:32,514 - You want some?! - I'm leaving. 50 00:02:44,345 --> 00:02:49,579 Sync/Corrections PetaG - addic7ed.com - 51 00:02:53,371 --> 00:02:56,465 - What do you think? - Depends. Can he see? 52 00:02:56,762 --> 00:02:59,552 And what's wrong with you? You seem relaxed. 53 00:02:59,558 --> 00:03:01,611 I'm just really enjoying dating... 54 00:03:01,919 --> 00:03:03,481 and really enjoying Wes. 55 00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:05,102 You really enjoyed Wes? 56 00:03:05,426 --> 00:03:07,326 I really enjoyed him in a car. 57 00:03:07,332 --> 00:03:10,988 That must've been nice after a two-year drought. 58 00:03:10,994 --> 00:03:13,023 Really nice. 59 00:03:13,267 --> 00:03:15,206 And it wasn't just the sex. 60 00:03:15,212 --> 00:03:18,499 It was feeling wanted, feeling desired. 61 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,184 It gave me life. 62 00:03:20,190 --> 00:03:22,706 - It gave you life? Wow. - Yeah. 63 00:03:22,712 --> 00:03:24,200 The only problem is Martin. 64 00:03:24,206 --> 00:03:26,692 He just... He's been really cranky with my lately. 65 00:03:26,698 --> 00:03:29,805 Well, he can probably tell that you've been "given life." 66 00:03:29,811 --> 00:03:31,016 Well, what does he care? 67 00:03:31,022 --> 00:03:34,510 He's in a full-blown relationship with "Our Lady of Abs." 68 00:03:34,516 --> 00:03:37,610 Hey! How's it going with Operation Fetus? 69 00:03:37,616 --> 00:03:38,902 I did some research, 70 00:03:38,908 --> 00:03:40,707 and if I want to do it on my own, 71 00:03:40,713 --> 00:03:43,200 I have to open an account at the sperm bank. 72 00:03:43,206 --> 00:03:45,203 Will they link it to a free checking? 73 00:03:45,646 --> 00:03:48,616 And then I have to sign a semen-purchaser agreement. 74 00:03:48,622 --> 00:03:51,248 - Come again? - And pay for storage. 75 00:03:51,254 --> 00:03:52,631 I thought we store it in you? 76 00:03:52,637 --> 00:03:54,944 And then there's the most important step... 77 00:03:54,950 --> 00:03:56,460 choosing a donor. 78 00:03:56,531 --> 00:03:58,234 But, you know, the good news is, 79 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:01,831 unlike dating, there really is no rejection. 80 00:04:01,837 --> 00:04:03,511 If you find a guy you like, 81 00:04:03,835 --> 00:04:05,921 you can pretty much just have his baby. 82 00:04:05,927 --> 00:04:08,728 He's not gonna be telling you he's joining the Peace Corps 83 00:04:08,734 --> 00:04:11,432 and then you run into him at Bed Bath & Beyond. 84 00:04:14,107 --> 00:04:17,023 I want you to know, if you decide to go through with this, 85 00:04:17,038 --> 00:04:19,629 I am with you every step of the way... 86 00:04:19,721 --> 00:04:21,347 and in a pretty good outfit. 87 00:04:21,542 --> 00:04:23,543 A really good outfit. 88 00:04:24,644 --> 00:04:26,663 Look at those boobies. 89 00:04:27,026 --> 00:04:29,027 - What happened? - The whole thing was a nightmare. 90 00:04:29,033 --> 00:04:30,509 I didn't even get to dance... 91 00:04:30,515 --> 00:04:33,535 There is nothing sadder than a talented dancer not getting to dance. 92 00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:37,117 Because Lena was hooking up with some guy in his car. 93 00:04:37,519 --> 00:04:39,319 You know what? That is sadder. 94 00:04:39,325 --> 00:04:41,036 I mean, who has sex in a car? 95 00:04:41,042 --> 00:04:44,238 Camille. Me. Lena. 96 00:04:44,244 --> 00:04:45,812 I'm sorry. Was that rhetorical? 97 00:04:45,818 --> 00:04:47,230 I'll get it. 98 00:04:47,425 --> 00:04:48,746 Get what, buddy? 99 00:04:49,534 --> 00:04:51,348 Hey. 100 00:04:53,004 --> 00:04:54,206 You okay, pal? 101 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,103 This kid's got a fever. 102 00:05:00,181 --> 00:05:01,510 Sorry. 103 00:05:01,596 --> 00:05:03,946 This is the way the movie "Outbreak" started. 104 00:05:03,952 --> 00:05:05,249 Thanks for your concern. 105 00:05:05,255 --> 00:05:06,509 Is he gonna be okay? 106 00:05:06,571 --> 00:05:09,945 Of course. I have taken care of many a sick child in my day. 107 00:05:09,951 --> 00:05:12,603 Let's get you upstairs to bed and bundle you up. 108 00:05:14,441 --> 00:05:16,360 Or dress you lightly? 109 00:05:18,170 --> 00:05:20,433 I'm gonna WebMD it. All right. 110 00:05:25,213 --> 00:05:26,413 Hey. 111 00:05:28,814 --> 00:05:30,027 Don't mind me. 112 00:05:30,033 --> 00:05:31,707 Just keep putting your party paint on 113 00:05:31,713 --> 00:05:33,001 while I parent our children... 114 00:05:33,007 --> 00:05:35,010 and you put on the other half of that dress. 115 00:05:36,114 --> 00:05:37,603 Are you looking for something? 116 00:05:37,609 --> 00:05:40,232 - Board game. Ever heard of 'em? - Board game? 117 00:05:40,238 --> 00:05:42,008 They're a wholesome form of entertainment. 118 00:05:42,416 --> 00:05:44,336 Are you having family game night? 119 00:05:44,813 --> 00:05:46,310 As a matter of fact, we are. 120 00:05:46,316 --> 00:05:47,697 You mind if I join you? 121 00:05:47,703 --> 00:05:50,193 Suit yourself. I think we're gonna play Monopoly. 122 00:05:50,199 --> 00:05:51,520 I'll be the car. 123 00:05:56,004 --> 00:05:57,204 Hey. 124 00:05:58,866 --> 00:06:01,282 Yeah, that sounds great, whatever you want. I'm chill. 125 00:06:01,288 --> 00:06:02,884 Chill? Chill? 126 00:06:02,890 --> 00:06:04,281 - Yeah, I'll see you in five. - Chill?! She's chill?! 127 00:06:04,287 --> 00:06:06,861 - She's the opposite of chill! - I am increasingly chill! 128 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,494 She yelled in a very un-chill way! 129 00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:11,238 Okay, stop it. There is no narrating. 130 00:06:11,244 --> 00:06:12,444 Okay, back up. Fight's over. 131 00:06:12,450 --> 00:06:13,734 Hey! You need to go. 132 00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:15,154 We're almost out of time here. 133 00:06:24,456 --> 00:06:26,465 This is a really nice place. 134 00:06:26,471 --> 00:06:28,168 This is the kind of place you take a girl 135 00:06:28,174 --> 00:06:29,835 before she has sex with you. 136 00:06:29,841 --> 00:06:32,427 No. This is the kind of place you take the girl 137 00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:34,828 that you really want to keep having sex with. 138 00:06:34,969 --> 00:06:38,474 Welcome! My name is Grace, and I'll be your server tonight. 139 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:39,865 - Hi, Grace. - Hi. 140 00:06:39,871 --> 00:06:43,773 Allow me to offer you our house infused blackberry-sage water. 141 00:06:43,779 --> 00:06:45,248 Permission granted. 142 00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:47,942 - Infused. - I know. 143 00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:52,071 Wow. That is the best thing I've ever tasted. 144 00:06:53,048 --> 00:06:55,488 - You seem different. - I do? How? 145 00:06:55,494 --> 00:06:57,591 Yeah. I-I don't know. You seem lighter. 146 00:06:57,597 --> 00:06:59,237 At this time, we'd like to remind you that 147 00:06:59,261 --> 00:07:01,296 this is a screen-free restaurant. 148 00:07:01,302 --> 00:07:03,086 We invite you to stow your devices 149 00:07:03,092 --> 00:07:06,560 so you may better enjoy your meal and each other's company. 150 00:07:06,566 --> 00:07:09,019 Okay. 151 00:07:09,574 --> 00:07:11,276 I'll just stow mine in my purse. 152 00:07:11,282 --> 00:07:13,561 But look how sad his phone looks 153 00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,574 all alone in there. 154 00:07:16,677 --> 00:07:18,487 I don't really think it looks sad. 155 00:07:25,494 --> 00:07:26,694 Bloop! 156 00:07:28,401 --> 00:07:29,826 "Bloop," 157 00:07:30,434 --> 00:07:32,739 I have to admit, when we first met, 158 00:07:32,933 --> 00:07:35,013 - I didn't take you for a blooper. - No? 159 00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:38,051 No. You seemed like a woman with... stuff. 160 00:07:38,399 --> 00:07:41,649 Now look... you're giving up your phone, you're making fun noises. 161 00:07:41,655 --> 00:07:43,215 I feel like I'm a good influence on you. 162 00:07:43,239 --> 00:07:44,439 I think you are. 163 00:07:45,952 --> 00:07:47,588 But the stuff's still there. 164 00:07:47,743 --> 00:07:49,548 For example, my ex, 165 00:07:49,554 --> 00:07:51,540 who I still live with, is mad at me, 166 00:07:51,546 --> 00:07:53,204 and I think I know why. 167 00:07:53,210 --> 00:07:55,996 And I think it has something to do with you. 168 00:07:56,002 --> 00:07:57,611 Me? 169 00:07:57,617 --> 00:07:59,192 Even though he's dating someone 170 00:07:59,198 --> 00:08:00,599 with an incredibly flat stomach, 171 00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:03,065 I'm not supposed to date, because I'm the mom. 172 00:08:03,071 --> 00:08:05,874 And I'm trying not to buy into that double standard, but it's weird 173 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:07,474 because he's home with the kids 174 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:08,880 doing a game night, and that just... 175 00:08:08,904 --> 00:08:10,874 it makes me feel guilty and absent and conflicted, 176 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:12,757 and we had a big fight before I left, 177 00:08:12,763 --> 00:08:14,076 where I may or may not have hissed at him, 178 00:08:14,082 --> 00:08:16,722 and I kind of want to check in and smooth things over, but I can't, 179 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:19,331 because Grace took my phone, and I hate her, but I like you, 180 00:08:19,337 --> 00:08:22,326 and I'm somewhat interested in the veal, which I'm morally opposed to. 181 00:08:24,534 --> 00:08:25,814 Bloop. 182 00:08:26,215 --> 00:08:29,219 No! No way. 183 00:08:29,225 --> 00:08:32,012 You can't just... bloop after that. 184 00:08:32,018 --> 00:08:35,315 Why not? The lightness and the darkness coexist. 185 00:08:35,321 --> 00:08:37,224 I have many sides to me, Wes. 186 00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:39,429 Can you handle many sides? 187 00:08:39,524 --> 00:08:41,640 I can handle every side. 188 00:08:44,798 --> 00:08:47,507 Okay, say, "" Like this... 189 00:08:49,547 --> 00:08:51,921 Look, you're gonna have to stick it right under your tongue, right, 190 00:08:51,927 --> 00:08:53,607 and then purse your lips like this, like... 191 00:08:53,631 --> 00:08:56,502 - like-like you're sipping a straw. - That's not how Mom does it. 192 00:08:56,508 --> 00:08:59,004 Well, I don't care how Mom does it. This is how I do it. 193 00:09:00,887 --> 00:09:02,184 But just tell me how Mom does it 194 00:09:02,190 --> 00:09:03,998 so I can show you how much I don't care. 195 00:09:04,004 --> 00:09:06,803 First, she puts her lips on my forehead. 196 00:09:06,809 --> 00:09:09,163 Then, she takes an armpit reading, 197 00:09:09,169 --> 00:09:12,366 and if it's over 100.9, she slips me a $20. 198 00:09:12,372 --> 00:09:15,663 - What? - Grape medicine and a $20 bill. 199 00:09:15,669 --> 00:09:17,616 - Yes, she does. - No, she does not. 200 00:09:17,622 --> 00:09:19,782 - Yes, she does. Yes, she does, too, - No, she doesn't. 201 00:09:19,806 --> 00:09:21,207 When you're not looking. 202 00:09:21,903 --> 00:09:24,098 So, if he's sick, does that mean no game night? 203 00:09:24,104 --> 00:09:25,304 No game night. 204 00:09:25,459 --> 00:09:27,740 But maybe you could find some other form of entertainment, 205 00:09:27,746 --> 00:09:30,262 like having sex on our street outside the house? 206 00:09:30,355 --> 00:09:32,637 Sounds better than Monopoly. 207 00:09:33,526 --> 00:09:35,948 - You're talking about... - Your sister? 208 00:09:36,025 --> 00:09:39,826 The mother of my children? Cleaner of countertops? I saw her, okay? 209 00:09:40,924 --> 00:09:45,526 102.7. That's gotta be worth at least 40 bucks. 210 00:09:46,025 --> 00:09:48,753 - I don't have any cash. - Yeah, what's new? 211 00:09:49,729 --> 00:09:52,338 Hey. Since you're missing out on family game tonight... 212 00:09:52,344 --> 00:09:54,332 maybe we could play a game. 213 00:09:54,338 --> 00:09:55,932 Okay. What'd you have in mind? 214 00:09:55,938 --> 00:10:00,619 How about who can make the other person blush first? 215 00:10:02,408 --> 00:10:04,017 Okay. I'm in. 216 00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:09,427 Whoa! I'm out. You win. 217 00:10:09,850 --> 00:10:11,050 Thank you. 218 00:10:11,877 --> 00:10:15,343 I hate to say it 'cause she is an awful person, 219 00:10:15,349 --> 00:10:17,319 but, you know, Grace was right. 220 00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:18,818 Who needs phones? 221 00:10:40,996 --> 00:10:44,105 Hey, Grace! I'm just on my way to the ladies'. 222 00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,618 Would it be cool if I took a glance at my phone real quick? 223 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:49,429 Your entrees will be out shortly. 224 00:10:49,435 --> 00:10:52,109 Fantastic. Could I just see my phone, please? 225 00:10:52,210 --> 00:10:55,282 Well, customarily, we hand people their phones 226 00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:57,015 as they exit the restaurant, 227 00:10:57,021 --> 00:10:59,523 and, customarily, they thank us for it. 228 00:10:59,529 --> 00:11:02,617 Okay, well, customarily, I don't go dark on my three kids 229 00:11:02,623 --> 00:11:04,402 because some hipster restaurant thinks that 230 00:11:04,408 --> 00:11:06,911 charred leeks are more important than they are. 231 00:11:09,004 --> 00:11:11,203 The entr�es are coming out. 232 00:11:11,209 --> 00:11:12,793 I hand-sauce them at the table, 233 00:11:12,799 --> 00:11:14,999 - so you might want to hurry back. - Okay. 234 00:11:35,575 --> 00:11:39,865 Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! Let me see? 235 00:11:40,145 --> 00:11:41,579 Yes! Nice. 236 00:11:41,585 --> 00:11:43,076 What's my prize? 237 00:11:43,082 --> 00:11:46,677 Well, for finishing your drink, you get... two pills. 238 00:11:46,683 --> 00:11:49,357 Aww! I miss college. 239 00:11:49,456 --> 00:11:50,948 I don't know that I'd ever be as good 240 00:11:50,954 --> 00:11:52,775 at this parenting stuff as you are. 241 00:11:52,781 --> 00:11:55,093 - I'm thinking of trying. - Yeah? 242 00:11:55,363 --> 00:11:57,667 On my own. You probably think that's dumb. 243 00:11:57,673 --> 00:11:59,665 Dumb? Of course not. 244 00:11:59,671 --> 00:12:01,311 It's just a little intimidating, you know, 245 00:12:01,335 --> 00:12:03,667 the amount of sheer vigilance that you and Lena have. 246 00:12:03,673 --> 00:12:05,480 I just don't know that I could do it. 247 00:12:05,486 --> 00:12:08,813 So you'll do it in your own Maya way. 248 00:12:09,493 --> 00:12:11,507 I actually you're gonna be a great parent. 249 00:12:11,705 --> 00:12:12,978 Well, thanks. 250 00:12:13,072 --> 00:12:14,994 That means a lot, coming from you. 251 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,200 You being sarcastic? 252 00:12:16,206 --> 00:12:17,785 Usually. Not right now. 253 00:12:17,791 --> 00:12:20,331 - Well, it sounded sarcastic. - It's hard to shake. 254 00:12:21,543 --> 00:12:23,236 - Soup? - I didn't order soup. 255 00:12:23,439 --> 00:12:25,197 - Someone did. - Thank you... 256 00:12:25,462 --> 00:12:27,683 - for the soup. Yeah. - Yeah. 257 00:12:28,078 --> 00:12:32,602 I have a feeling, that it's my fault. 258 00:12:32,608 --> 00:12:34,462 I texted her an update. 259 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:38,582 You see? You see? This is... this is classic Lena, 260 00:12:38,588 --> 00:12:40,082 exactly how you shouldn't parent. 261 00:12:40,088 --> 00:12:42,181 She is trying to control this situation 262 00:12:42,187 --> 00:12:44,261 - even though she is not here. - This is just soup. 263 00:12:44,267 --> 00:12:46,277 It is not just soup. 264 00:12:46,283 --> 00:12:49,979 It is doubt and distrust... with noodles! 265 00:12:50,397 --> 00:12:52,700 She wants to out-parent me while she's out there 266 00:12:52,706 --> 00:12:54,968 fooling around with some guy in his car. 267 00:12:54,974 --> 00:12:58,584 My God. Why are you so stuck on this guy and his car? 268 00:12:58,590 --> 00:13:01,608 Because I was trying to be the guy in the car. 269 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,652 Yeah? What about your girlfriend? 270 00:13:04,658 --> 00:13:06,012 - What? - Yeah, 271 00:13:06,018 --> 00:13:09,223 the PYT that has been spotted on multiple occasions, 272 00:13:09,229 --> 00:13:12,135 - coming in and out of the garage? - Charlotte? 273 00:13:12,519 --> 00:13:14,093 She's my dance teacher. 274 00:13:14,717 --> 00:13:15,928 That's hilarious. 275 00:13:15,934 --> 00:13:17,437 'Cause I was at your wedding. 276 00:13:17,443 --> 00:13:19,446 - You don't dance. - Well, I do now. 277 00:13:19,452 --> 00:13:22,247 I was trying to surprise Lena for our anniversary. 278 00:13:23,721 --> 00:13:25,534 But I'm the one who got surprised. 279 00:13:28,670 --> 00:13:29,870 Milo. 280 00:13:29,876 --> 00:13:31,076 Soup. 281 00:13:33,158 --> 00:13:34,850 Daddy and I need a drink. 282 00:13:36,661 --> 00:13:38,194 I'm a terrible mother. 283 00:13:38,373 --> 00:13:41,295 My son is home sick, burning up with a fever, 284 00:13:41,301 --> 00:13:43,576 and I'm living it up on infused blackberry water. 285 00:13:43,582 --> 00:13:45,199 I can feel Martin judging me right now. 286 00:13:45,205 --> 00:13:47,099 Why? You didn't know he was sick when you left. 287 00:13:47,105 --> 00:13:49,113 Well, that's the other thing. How did I not know? 288 00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:51,857 I can usually spot a fever on that kid a mile away. 289 00:13:52,076 --> 00:13:54,151 Feel like my mom instincts are dwindling. 290 00:13:54,157 --> 00:13:55,748 Hey, they're not dwindling. 291 00:13:57,068 --> 00:13:59,271 Who tore through every item in this closet 292 00:13:59,277 --> 00:14:01,670 to check her phone even after she was asked not to? 293 00:14:01,676 --> 00:14:03,117 Repeatedly asked not to. 294 00:14:03,123 --> 00:14:06,377 And then who used that phone, during Blitz Pricing, 295 00:14:06,383 --> 00:14:09,392 to Post Mates poor sick little Milo some overpriced soup? 296 00:14:09,398 --> 00:14:12,385 - I did. - And in an effort to get you home faster, 297 00:14:12,391 --> 00:14:14,074 who asked Grace to wrap up our dinners 298 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,435 even though she warned us they'd lose their complexity? 299 00:14:16,917 --> 00:14:19,292 - You did. - That's right. 300 00:14:20,521 --> 00:14:22,307 Bye! 301 00:14:22,947 --> 00:14:24,625 Yeah, and there I was in my wedding tux, 302 00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,729 holding this big, stupid bouquet of flowers, 303 00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:29,000 and I waltz up the driveway to find Lena 304 00:14:29,006 --> 00:14:31,240 and this guy in his car. 305 00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:34,467 That's more heartbreaking than "Manchester by the Sea." 306 00:14:34,473 --> 00:14:36,538 Well, what are you gonna do? We're divorced. 307 00:14:37,171 --> 00:14:40,772 But I still don't understand what happened between the two of you. 308 00:14:42,876 --> 00:14:44,089 Well, what'd she say? 309 00:14:44,095 --> 00:14:46,367 Well, you know, Lena's a pretty private person, 310 00:14:46,373 --> 00:14:47,995 and she doesn't tell me much. 311 00:14:48,081 --> 00:14:49,473 No sex for two years. 312 00:14:49,479 --> 00:14:50,712 Wow. 313 00:14:50,718 --> 00:14:52,714 - Okay. - But true? 314 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:55,925 Well, I feel like there was more at play than that, but, yeah... 315 00:14:56,140 --> 00:14:57,340 probably. 316 00:14:57,670 --> 00:14:59,999 Look, I don't know, all right? I don't know what happened. 317 00:15:00,005 --> 00:15:02,045 I guess, somewhere along the way, with our different 318 00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:04,432 sleep schedules and parenting ideals and... 319 00:15:04,438 --> 00:15:06,722 and constant bickering, you know, I just... 320 00:15:07,813 --> 00:15:09,509 lost it for Lena. 321 00:15:09,515 --> 00:15:12,649 - You lost it? - Yeah, interest, passion. 322 00:15:12,655 --> 00:15:14,631 My God, we're not even talking about me now, 323 00:15:14,637 --> 00:15:15,969 and it's still hard to hear. 324 00:15:15,975 --> 00:15:17,975 Well, it's hard to feel, you know? 325 00:15:17,981 --> 00:15:20,248 And then I see some guy in a... in a car 326 00:15:20,254 --> 00:15:23,639 grabbing her ass, I-I-I can't help but think, 327 00:15:24,083 --> 00:15:25,813 "That should be me in there." 328 00:15:26,987 --> 00:15:29,003 I mean, not in there with them, 329 00:15:29,009 --> 00:15:31,408 obviously. You know, that would be weird. I... 330 00:15:32,071 --> 00:15:34,463 I-I just... I should've forced myself to... 331 00:15:34,469 --> 00:15:38,359 No, Martin, no. You don't force yourself to grab someone's ass. 332 00:15:38,365 --> 00:15:42,069 You do it 'cause you can't not, 'cause you're that into them. 333 00:15:42,654 --> 00:15:44,564 I mean, can you imagine ever 334 00:15:44,570 --> 00:15:47,198 having those feelings for Lena again? 335 00:15:50,986 --> 00:15:53,492 Grace would kill herself if she knew we were gonna 336 00:15:53,498 --> 00:15:56,640 eat this with plastic utensils in my garage. 337 00:15:56,646 --> 00:15:58,519 - But we're not. - Yeah, we are 338 00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:00,515 'cause the good silver's inside with Martin. 339 00:16:00,521 --> 00:16:02,407 Which is where I think you want to be. 340 00:16:02,413 --> 00:16:03,929 What? No. 341 00:16:04,423 --> 00:16:05,824 No. I mean... 342 00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:09,318 Now that we're here, I wouldn't mind doing a quick check-in. 343 00:16:09,324 --> 00:16:11,172 But after that, I'm all yours. 344 00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:13,303 You're definitely not all mine. 345 00:16:14,101 --> 00:16:15,428 Not tonight. 346 00:16:15,877 --> 00:16:18,108 - I'm sorry. - No. 347 00:16:18,396 --> 00:16:20,310 I'll call you. Can I call you? 348 00:16:20,795 --> 00:16:22,391 Um... yeah. 349 00:16:25,795 --> 00:16:27,818 - Hey. - Hey. 350 00:16:28,193 --> 00:16:29,414 Were you inside? 351 00:16:29,420 --> 00:16:31,208 How's Milo? Should I go check on him? 352 00:16:31,214 --> 00:16:33,006 No, Martin's got it covered. 353 00:16:33,012 --> 00:16:35,701 - But I kind of want to see him. - Yeah, but it's not your night, 354 00:16:35,707 --> 00:16:37,412 and Martin probably doesn't want to see you 355 00:16:37,418 --> 00:16:39,396 fresh off the heels of your date with Wes. 356 00:16:39,402 --> 00:16:41,736 What? What's that supposed to mean? 357 00:16:41,781 --> 00:16:43,604 Has Martin brainwashed you? 358 00:16:43,610 --> 00:16:45,479 He had his girlfriend here, 359 00:16:45,485 --> 00:16:47,318 but I'm sullied because I went on a date. 360 00:16:47,324 --> 00:16:50,107 Okay, no one's saying sullied, it's 2018, 361 00:16:50,113 --> 00:16:52,149 and he doesn't have a girlfriend. 362 00:16:52,258 --> 00:16:54,258 - What? - Yeah. No girlfriend. 363 00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:56,734 That was his dance teacher that he hired 364 00:16:56,740 --> 00:16:59,455 to surprise you on your anniversary. 365 00:16:59,461 --> 00:17:01,056 My God. 366 00:17:04,054 --> 00:17:05,538 My God. 367 00:17:05,544 --> 00:17:07,158 And that's the night I was... 368 00:17:07,164 --> 00:17:08,753 - Sullied. - Sullied. 369 00:17:19,046 --> 00:17:20,278 Let me guess. 370 00:17:20,347 --> 00:17:22,897 You're here to demand access to Milo. 371 00:17:23,178 --> 00:17:26,495 No. I'm here to demand access to you. 372 00:17:27,788 --> 00:17:30,474 Well, come in. 373 00:17:37,331 --> 00:17:39,317 I didn't know you'd been taking dance lessons... 374 00:17:39,323 --> 00:17:41,715 - Boy. - Or that you saw me the other night with Wes. 375 00:17:41,721 --> 00:17:45,036 Wow, so Maya is basically an informant. 376 00:17:45,323 --> 00:17:49,185 - No. No, I just. I-I feel... - She's a double agent. Stop. 377 00:17:49,191 --> 00:17:51,801 Just stop, okay? We don't have to do this. 378 00:17:52,184 --> 00:17:55,480 - Everything is fine. It is. I swear. - No, it's not fine. 379 00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:57,831 Look, honestly, I-I think this played out 380 00:17:57,837 --> 00:18:00,522 - exactly the way it was supposed to. - What does that mean? 381 00:18:00,528 --> 00:18:02,834 It means that I don't know what I was thinking. 382 00:18:03,018 --> 00:18:05,748 What, that I could make one stupid gesture, and then, 383 00:18:05,754 --> 00:18:08,005 you know, all of a sudden, everything's gonna be okay? 384 00:18:08,011 --> 00:18:10,398 - It wasn't a stupid gesture. - And seeing you... 385 00:18:10,727 --> 00:18:13,915 with that guy, it-it hurt, yeah. 386 00:18:14,110 --> 00:18:15,502 Hurt in what way? 387 00:18:15,508 --> 00:18:19,506 In the way that it hurts seeing another man with your woman. 388 00:18:19,704 --> 00:18:20,995 "Your woman"? 389 00:18:21,001 --> 00:18:24,411 - So it hurt your ego? - My God, Lena, are you... 390 00:18:24,417 --> 00:18:26,713 - are you serious right now? - Are you, Martin? 391 00:18:26,719 --> 00:18:29,447 Come on. Did it hurt your heart, or did it hurt your pride? 392 00:18:29,453 --> 00:18:33,129 Lena, I'm done, all right? I am done! I am done with the scrutiny. 393 00:18:33,135 --> 00:18:34,855 And whatever way it hurt, I'm sure it wasn't 394 00:18:34,879 --> 00:18:37,015 the right kind of hurt for you, okay? 395 00:18:37,439 --> 00:18:39,445 And we-we-we... we push each other's buttons, 396 00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:41,170 and we get under each other's skin. 397 00:18:41,349 --> 00:18:42,923 Look, you deserve the kind of passion 398 00:18:42,929 --> 00:18:44,459 that you felt that night in the car. 399 00:18:44,537 --> 00:18:47,444 You deserve someone who feels that way about you. 400 00:18:48,732 --> 00:18:50,563 And that someone isn't you? 401 00:19:00,460 --> 00:19:02,984 I think I would like to see Milo after all. 402 00:19:17,604 --> 00:19:20,716 He looks good. 403 00:19:20,722 --> 00:19:22,478 You must've pushed fluids. 404 00:19:22,484 --> 00:19:23,684 I did. 405 00:19:24,215 --> 00:19:26,499 Well, he's not feverish. 406 00:19:26,793 --> 00:19:29,278 Did you alternate Tylenol and Motrin? 407 00:19:30,004 --> 00:19:31,204 I did. 408 00:19:31,415 --> 00:19:34,401 Well, you must've kept a great dosing chart. 409 00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:36,230 Nope. Didn't need it. 410 00:19:36,236 --> 00:19:39,025 - Don't even know what that is. - You know what that is. 411 00:19:39,298 --> 00:19:41,097 Dosing charts are for babies. 412 00:19:41,103 --> 00:19:44,170 Yes, babies and children that you're trying not to kill. 413 00:19:45,657 --> 00:19:49,361 Well... to your credit, he does not appear to be dead. 414 00:19:51,526 --> 00:19:54,044 - Did he trick you into giving him money? - No. 415 00:19:58,830 --> 00:20:00,527 Must've lost a tooth. 416 00:20:09,949 --> 00:20:11,285 How'd it go? 417 00:20:11,291 --> 00:20:13,683 We are still divorced. 418 00:20:13,689 --> 00:20:15,221 Way to keep at it. 419 00:20:15,227 --> 00:20:16,460 What are you doing? 420 00:20:16,628 --> 00:20:18,741 Me? I'm doing a little shopping 421 00:20:18,815 --> 00:20:21,831 for sperm and purses. I have two tabs open. 422 00:20:21,837 --> 00:20:24,050 - So we're doing it? - We're doing it. 423 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,871 Do you think the baby is gonna be pissed 424 00:20:25,877 --> 00:20:27,197 that it doesn't have a dad? 425 00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:29,774 - I'll be the dad. - Yeah? 426 00:20:29,780 --> 00:20:31,104 Hell yeah. 427 00:20:31,393 --> 00:20:32,892 Okay, cool. 428 00:20:32,993 --> 00:20:34,894 And speaking of cool, 429 00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:38,761 um, can we take a picture of me signing my semen-purchaser agreement? 430 00:20:39,259 --> 00:20:42,539 Duh. We're gonna need it for the baby book. 431 00:20:42,545 --> 00:20:43,761 Yeah. 432 00:20:46,664 --> 00:20:48,367 - Okay. - Here we go. 433 00:20:48,373 --> 00:20:49,883 - Ready? - Yes. 434 00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:54,782 Did you get the semen in there? 435 00:20:54,788 --> 00:20:56,101 It's in there. 32777

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