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♪
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[WOMEN CHATTING]
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Romey Rome is the business.
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Even when he does the
little boy Roscoe.
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00:00:22,804 --> 00:00:25,938
"You gonna give me
some of your candy."
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- Wazzup!
- Oh, my God.
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That's it right there.
That's me right there.
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That's Marty Mar right there.
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00:00:30,846 --> 00:00:32,345
Hey, Martin,
I'm happy you back, man.
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I'm happy you back on the
stage doing your thing, man.
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Damn, Gina!
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00:00:36,018 --> 00:00:37,584
Hey, Martin.
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00:00:37,586 --> 00:00:39,989
- Martin!
- Oh, geez.
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Hell, yeah.
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00:00:51,366 --> 00:00:53,970
MARTIN: The sounds of the
laughter is the fuel.
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It's the oil.
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It's the basketball going
in the net, hearing the net,
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00:00:58,406 --> 00:00:59,639
the sound of the net.
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That laughter is key to
everything because that's
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the reward,
that's what you do it for.
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You do it for the laughter.
You do it to make people laugh.
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And they enjoy themself
and sometimes they stand
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you know, give big applause,
whatever, you know,
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and just to see that they
enjoyed the show and the love,
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that's the most fun about it.
To me, it's the reward.
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'Cause everything else is a
process and everything else.
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You know, you gotta get
enough rest, you gotta make sure
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you got some food in your
body for fuel, everything.
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But the reward is when I see
the people laughing.
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The life of a comedian,
backstage pass, all access.
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I remember going to
see Eddie Murphy, uh,
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he was performing at
Richmond Coliseum or somewhere,
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and I drove from Maryland
two hours to see him,
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and I remember seeing him then
and he was so good
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and I just said to myself,
"Man, that's what I wanna do."
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And comedy,
stand-up comedy, was my way in.
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I think we good.
Let's have some fun, right?
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To start a comedy career,
it's a grind. I mean, you know,
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going to the comedy clubs,
smoke-filled rooms,
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you know, maybe about a hundred
people, two-hundred people,
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you trying to convince them what
you believe is funny, is funny.
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But when it hit me was when
I got chose for Star Search.
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Let's bring on Martin Lawrence.
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MARTIN: And I auditioned
for Claudia McMahon
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and I did my act,
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I was blue and everything,
I just was myself,
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and believe it or
not they called me.
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The man would make it worse,
'cause you could just say,
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"I'm going out!"
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She say, "I cook for you,
I clean for you..."
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Then it makes the man feel bad.
He say, "I'm sorry honey,
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I did not even know it was
like that. God, I love you too.
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Now give me the car keys."
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Thank you, you guys were great.
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Man, I'm outta here.
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I said, "I'm outta here."
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Then after I did Star Search,
I auditioned
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for What's Happening Now!!
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I was already amped up,
I was already ready to go.
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For a kid coming from the
neighborhood to Hollywood
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it's a big transition.
Your eyes light up.
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It's like seeing Heaven.
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Chris Albrecht over at HBO
got my tape from somebody
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over at Star Search and they
saw me perform and they loved
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what they saw and asked me,
was I interested in acting?
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I said, "I ain't doin' nothin'
but sittin' round here in
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my drawers, what else, 'course
I'm interested in acting."
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I would love that.
That's how I got started,
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that's how the whole
Martin show got started.
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Gina ain't here,
wait in the hall.
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[LAUGHTER]
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MARTIN: There were
a lot of people who told me
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I couldn't do things.
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The language, the...
you know, subject matters that
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I talk about was
inappropriate at times,
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00:04:00,288 --> 00:04:05,291
and they would say
it's not going to fly.
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00:04:05,293 --> 00:04:08,561
But I saw Richard Pryor
live on the Sunset Strip
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00:04:08,563 --> 00:04:11,398
and when Eddie came along,
I seen him doing his own thing
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I didn't feel like, you know,
they were being edited
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or whatever,
whether people told 'em
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they could do it or not.
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I was like, "Fuck them.
I'm do what I wanna do."
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Martin Lawrence, man, you're
the greatest of all time.
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You transcend generations.
We was born in '87.
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He says things that we wanna say
or we think about saying.
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You go, boy.
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[CHEERING]
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MARTIN: Before I'm going out
on stage and I'm standing there
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and I'm shadowboxing,
and I'm just thinking,
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"Man, you better be funny, man.
You gotta be funny tonight.
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00:04:56,677 --> 00:04:59,445
You can't turn back now,
you got thousands of people
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out there and you just
can't turn back now,
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00:05:02,817 --> 00:05:03,951
so you gotta bring it."
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00:05:03,953 --> 00:05:05,618
But I'm ready to do
what I'm ready to do,
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I'm ready to get it on.
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MC: Ladies and gentlemen,
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Martin Lawrence!
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[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
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[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
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Man, LA.
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LA!
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Yeah!
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That's why I came here!
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That's why I came here!
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[MARTIN WHOOPS]
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I love that shit.
Make some motherfucking noise.
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[CHEERING]
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Yeah!
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Yes! I know we in this
motherfucker tonight!
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Boy, all that noise, boy,
we got white people scared,
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They all, "Shit! What the fuck?
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How many black people
are goin' off tonight?"
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Oh, y'all lookin' good,
you lookin' good.
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Thank you for coming out.
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[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
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Y'all don't mind if
I just take my time.
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Just hang out with y'all
for a little while.
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Y'know?
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Yeah, you all lookin' good,
look good.
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I know, I see ya.
[BLOWS A KISS]
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Huh? Yeah. I know.
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Y'all like the way
I'm dressed tonight?
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[CHEERING]
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I said, "Martin, don't
go up there wearing
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all that hot-ass leather.
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00:07:00,434 --> 00:07:02,702
Don't wear all that
hot-ass leather."
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00:07:02,704 --> 00:07:05,338
Fellas, I know y'all got your
suits on, y'all lookin' good.
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00:07:05,340 --> 00:07:07,272
Fellas, y'all cool?
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00:07:07,274 --> 00:07:09,341
I know y'all was in that
mirror before y'all got here
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with this shit.
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"Yeah, nigga, yeah, yeah,
yeah, you don't know nothin'
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about that there.
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Look at them shoes. Look
at that, daddy. Yeah, yeah."
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Ladies,
I know y'all lookin' good.
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Y'all got them pumps on?
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- [WOMEN CHEERING]
- Y'all got them pumps on?
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All right, when y'all got
them pumps on that ass
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just, "clickity clack,
clack, clack, clack."
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Just all ass,
just "clack clack".
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"Clickity clack
clack clack clack".
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When y'all ain't got them
pumps on you look like
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somebody done kicked
you in your ass.
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You got them flats on
just be slidin' and shit.
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Just slidin' like
a motherfucker.
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[SIGHS]
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But uh, y'all seen the footage,
y'all seen the footage,
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y'all up there.
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I been in the game damn near
30 years, y'all. 30 years.
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- [APPLAUSE]
- Yeah, yeah.
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00:08:09,571 --> 00:08:11,870
I'm doin' time in Hollywood,
that's what I call it.
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Doin' time in Hollywood.
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Everybody keep askin' me when
we gonna do another Bad Boys.
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[CHEERING]
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They better hurry up and
do that motherfucker
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before it becomes Sad Boys.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I'm gettin' all fat and shit,
I'll be running' and shit.
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Freeze!
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Freeze!
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They better hurry up and
do that motherfucker.
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But Hollywood,
sometimes they act like
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they don't know Marty Mart
in Hollywood.
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Yeah, they be rollin'
up on me, "Don Cheadle!"
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00:08:51,312 --> 00:08:52,445
[LAUGHTER]
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00:08:52,447 --> 00:08:54,949
"Love ya in Blackish.
Love ya in Blackish."
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00:08:56,750 --> 00:09:01,554
Everybody in Hollywood on
Dancing with the Stars.
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00:09:01,556 --> 00:09:04,723
Man, if you see me on that
motherfucker, my career is over.
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00:09:04,725 --> 00:09:06,325
[LAUGHTER]
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Everybody on that motherfucker
doin' this shit here,
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and all of this here.
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Call me when that
shit's like this.
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[R&B BEAT PLAYING]
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Yeah.
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00:09:36,624 --> 00:09:38,757
Call me when it's like that.
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00:09:38,759 --> 00:09:40,629
I bet I win that
motherfucker too.
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WOMAN: I love you, Martin!
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I love you back, baby.
Thank you, thank you.
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[WOMAN SCREAMS]
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Thank you.
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00:09:59,748 --> 00:10:00,849
Yeah.
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00:10:01,950 --> 00:10:02,915
Boy, I was readin' somethin'
on the way over here.
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00:10:02,917 --> 00:10:05,151
I don't know how true it is,
but it said that
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00:10:05,153 --> 00:10:08,387
Caitlyn Jenner, he don't
wanna be a woman no more.
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00:10:08,389 --> 00:10:09,855
Anybody hear that shit?
185
00:10:09,857 --> 00:10:12,458
Just all the sudden changed
his mind and is just like,
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00:10:12,460 --> 00:10:15,764
"Fuck, I wanna go back.
I wanna be a man."
187
00:10:16,831 --> 00:10:18,698
Can you just change like that?
188
00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:20,065
Musta been them
fuckin' high heels,
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00:10:20,067 --> 00:10:22,103
I'm tellin' you it's
the fuckin' high heels.
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00:10:23,437 --> 00:10:26,406
I can't fuckin' do this
in these everyday.
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00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:29,978
I can't do this shit
every motherfuckin' day.
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00:10:31,578 --> 00:10:34,781
It ain't easy being a woman.
Women will tell you that shit.
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00:10:34,783 --> 00:10:37,985
Ladies, shit y'all got
them cramps every month.
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00:10:39,153 --> 00:10:40,987
Bleedin' every month.
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00:10:40,989 --> 00:10:42,188
Fellas, if we were bleedin'
every month,
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00:10:42,190 --> 00:10:43,725
we couldn't handle that shit.
197
00:10:44,859 --> 00:10:47,160
Ladies be tryin' to give you
head, we be talkin' 'bout,
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00:10:47,162 --> 00:10:48,997
"Naw, I don't think
you wanna do that."
199
00:10:53,668 --> 00:10:55,935
She don't believe you on your
period, you gotta show her
200
00:10:55,937 --> 00:10:58,704
a little tampon and shit
with the string hangin'
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00:10:58,706 --> 00:11:00,008
off the motherfucker.
202
00:11:01,909 --> 00:11:04,977
Little Q-tip ball on the
tip of your dick and shit
203
00:11:04,979 --> 00:11:07,479
with a string hangin'
off the motherfucker.
204
00:11:07,481 --> 00:11:10,485
[LAUGHTER]
205
00:11:11,919 --> 00:11:14,454
She don't believe you, she
keep pressin' you and shit.
206
00:11:14,456 --> 00:11:17,058
You tellin' her, "Okay, if you
want to, but I'm spottin'."
207
00:11:20,028 --> 00:11:22,697
If you don't mind a little
ketchup on the hot dog,
208
00:11:24,164 --> 00:11:26,567
go get a towel, go get a towel.
209
00:11:32,941 --> 00:11:34,840
What else with Hollywood, man?
210
00:11:34,842 --> 00:11:36,943
Fuckin' with my man Cosby.
211
00:11:36,945 --> 00:11:39,945
Why you fuck with
Cosby, America's dad.
212
00:11:39,947 --> 00:11:40,914
Cosby.
213
00:11:40,916 --> 00:11:43,015
They say it's up to
50-something women now,
214
00:11:43,017 --> 00:11:44,983
50-something women.
215
00:11:44,985 --> 00:11:47,252
Can you believe that shit?
I don't believe that.
216
00:11:47,254 --> 00:11:48,820
50-something women?
217
00:11:48,822 --> 00:11:50,156
Maybe 27.
218
00:11:50,158 --> 00:11:51,058
[LAUGHTER]
219
00:11:53,595 --> 00:11:55,927
Naw, man, Cosby ain't
had to roofie nobody,
220
00:11:55,929 --> 00:11:57,965
all he did was put that
Pudding Pop in 'em.
221
00:11:58,799 --> 00:12:01,066
All he just...
"Whoa, it's the puddin'."
222
00:12:01,068 --> 00:12:03,569
"It's the puddin'."
223
00:12:03,571 --> 00:12:06,774
"It's the puddin'." [GROWLS]
224
00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:09,812
[GROWLS]
225
00:12:12,145 --> 00:12:14,613
That's all he did
was hypnotize 'em.
226
00:12:14,615 --> 00:12:17,583
I can't talk about Cosby,
I can't talk about nobody
227
00:12:17,585 --> 00:12:19,618
because my shit that
I done did in my life.
228
00:12:19,620 --> 00:12:21,152
I'm still walkin' around
this motherfucker thinkin',
229
00:12:21,154 --> 00:12:23,826
"What the fuck they
gonna find on my ass?
230
00:12:25,025 --> 00:12:27,093
I know I done did some
shit in Cleveland once.
231
00:12:27,095 --> 00:12:28,096
What the fuck?"
232
00:12:29,297 --> 00:12:31,696
I can't think of nothin' but,
only thing I can think of,
233
00:12:31,698 --> 00:12:34,199
is it fucked up if you
beat your meat on Skype?
234
00:12:34,201 --> 00:12:36,569
[LAUGHTER]
235
00:12:36,571 --> 00:12:37,969
'Cause I don't want my
lady in them streets,
236
00:12:37,971 --> 00:12:39,604
I told her, take a look at this.
237
00:12:39,606 --> 00:12:40,839
Take a look at this.
238
00:12:40,841 --> 00:12:42,007
Look at them balls,
look at them balls.
239
00:12:42,009 --> 00:12:45,645
Them your balls, them your
balls, take a look at this.
240
00:12:45,647 --> 00:12:47,749
Look at that birthmark,
look at that birthmark.
241
00:12:48,649 --> 00:12:50,885
I know I was lookin'
all fucked up, too, just...
242
00:12:53,654 --> 00:12:55,887
[LAUGHTER]
243
00:12:55,889 --> 00:12:58,059
You know I had that face
where you can't cum and shit.
244
00:12:58,826 --> 00:13:00,059
Like you ready to cry.
245
00:13:00,061 --> 00:13:02,564
[WHIMPERING]
246
00:13:09,102 --> 00:13:10,703
Shit.
247
00:13:10,705 --> 00:13:13,039
What else goin' on in Hollywood?
248
00:13:13,041 --> 00:13:16,943
OJ, his ass, not a
bright motherfucker, OJ.
249
00:13:16,945 --> 00:13:19,612
Y'all see they got that
TV movie on him and shit?
250
00:13:19,614 --> 00:13:21,213
Not a bright motherfucker.
251
00:13:21,215 --> 00:13:23,082
I mean, nigga, if you
get away with murder,
252
00:13:23,084 --> 00:13:25,718
nigga, sit yo ass down.
253
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:28,724
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
254
00:13:30,158 --> 00:13:32,257
You know, go to Mexico
and drink Tequila
255
00:13:32,259 --> 00:13:35,227
the rest of your life.
Nigga, sit you ass down.
256
00:13:35,229 --> 00:13:37,863
Now you in that motherfucker
braidin' hair.
257
00:13:37,865 --> 00:13:39,699
[LAUGHTER]
258
00:13:39,701 --> 00:13:41,637
How do you go from
this shit to this?
259
00:13:45,273 --> 00:13:47,607
Over some motherfuckin'
memorabilia.
260
00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:49,275
They got his ass on memorabilia.
261
00:13:49,277 --> 00:13:51,209
Gotta do 40 over
some memorabilia.
262
00:13:51,211 --> 00:13:53,845
Over an old-ass football hat
he can't even wear.
263
00:13:53,847 --> 00:13:54,847
[LAUGHTER]
264
00:13:54,849 --> 00:13:57,248
Some old ass cleats that
he can't even fuckin'
265
00:13:57,250 --> 00:14:00,922
get in no more. He gotta
do 40 behind that shit.
266
00:14:01,922 --> 00:14:02,823
Shit.
267
00:14:03,390 --> 00:14:04,690
Man.
268
00:14:04,692 --> 00:14:06,725
Y'all mind if I
get a little water?
269
00:14:06,727 --> 00:14:08,361
[SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS HECKLE]
270
00:14:08,363 --> 00:14:10,132
Huh, motherfucker
said, "Hurry up."
271
00:14:15,135 --> 00:14:18,706
WOMAN:
Yes, we did! Yes, we did!
272
00:14:20,408 --> 00:14:23,909
Yeah, I'm gonna tell y'all
somethin' about me growin' up.
273
00:14:23,911 --> 00:14:28,180
I was... before I got here,
I was tryin' a lot of things.
274
00:14:28,182 --> 00:14:30,148
I was a door-to-door comic.
275
00:14:30,150 --> 00:14:31,916
Yep, I used to go to
people's house and shit.
276
00:14:31,918 --> 00:14:35,090
Put the baby away!
Got some jokes for your ass.
277
00:14:36,289 --> 00:14:38,858
A lot of people don't
know I was a male dancer.
278
00:14:38,860 --> 00:14:39,760
Yeah.
279
00:14:40,727 --> 00:14:43,228
They used to call me
Cocoa Dick, Cocoa Dick.
280
00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:46,065
[CHANTING]
Go Cocoa, go Cocoa, go Cocoa...
281
00:14:46,067 --> 00:14:47,933
I used to lay it right
on their forehead.
282
00:14:47,935 --> 00:14:51,704
[CHANTING]
Go Cocoa, go Cocoa, go Cocoa.
283
00:14:51,706 --> 00:14:53,805
Had a fat girl clientele.
They used to throw
284
00:14:53,807 --> 00:14:56,675
chicken wings up there and
shit to pay me and shit.
285
00:14:56,677 --> 00:14:58,344
I used to bat them wings
back in their mouth.
286
00:14:58,346 --> 00:14:59,844
Get back in there.
287
00:14:59,846 --> 00:15:01,012
Get back in there.
288
00:15:01,014 --> 00:15:02,714
Get back in there.
289
00:15:02,716 --> 00:15:04,116
Get back in there.
290
00:15:04,118 --> 00:15:06,321
Get back in there.
291
00:15:08,121 --> 00:15:08,920
Had to give it up, though,
292
00:15:08,922 --> 00:15:10,926
'cause that thong
gave me a rash.
293
00:15:12,793 --> 00:15:15,060
Had my whole ass chapped.
294
00:15:15,062 --> 00:15:16,728
Whole ass chapped.
295
00:15:16,730 --> 00:15:19,230
But I got into a lot of physical
sports when I was young,
296
00:15:19,232 --> 00:15:20,199
a lot of physical sports.
297
00:15:20,201 --> 00:15:23,201
My first physical sport
I got in was karate.
298
00:15:23,203 --> 00:15:24,369
I was real good at karate.
299
00:15:24,371 --> 00:15:28,040
[KARATE KIAI]
300
00:15:28,042 --> 00:15:29,340
I was good with the sound.
301
00:15:29,342 --> 00:15:32,813
[KARATE KIAI]
302
00:15:35,182 --> 00:15:37,382
Everybody think they know
karate 'til they meet somebody
303
00:15:37,384 --> 00:15:39,120
that really fuckin'
knows karate.
304
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:43,124
I'm a blue belt,
I do blue belt shit.
305
00:15:43,890 --> 00:15:45,357
I get in my stance.
306
00:15:45,359 --> 00:15:46,695
Go get help!
307
00:15:49,330 --> 00:15:52,765
My other physical sport I
love man, I love, is boxing.
308
00:15:52,767 --> 00:15:55,233
That was my sport, I was
good at that, you can tell.
309
00:15:55,235 --> 00:15:56,138
Yeah.
310
00:15:56,971 --> 00:15:59,273
I just always dance
and shit, move.
311
00:16:00,006 --> 00:16:02,874
You can tell the way I move,
I was pretty good.
312
00:16:02,876 --> 00:16:05,846
[LAUGHTER]
313
00:16:07,047 --> 00:16:09,051
"Ding!" Good round,
nigga, good round.
314
00:16:11,418 --> 00:16:13,221
That motherfucker almost hit me.
315
00:16:14,855 --> 00:16:17,223
I got out the game when
I got my eye swollen.
316
00:16:17,225 --> 00:16:18,192
That's when I got out.
317
00:16:19,193 --> 00:16:20,258
Knew as soon as he hit
me, that shit. "Pow!"
318
00:16:20,260 --> 00:16:21,926
Went back to my corner.
319
00:16:21,928 --> 00:16:24,129
[LAUGHTER]
320
00:16:24,131 --> 00:16:26,065
"Coach, is my eye swollen?"
321
00:16:26,067 --> 00:16:27,465
"You doin' great,
you doin' good!"
322
00:16:27,467 --> 00:16:29,334
"Is my eye swollen?"
"Yes!"
323
00:16:29,336 --> 00:16:31,139
Fuck you! Fight over, nigga!
324
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,273
Boxin' is a hard hustle, man.
325
00:16:35,275 --> 00:16:37,309
Especially if you a
friend of a fighter.
326
00:16:37,311 --> 00:16:39,478
And you ever go to a fight
with him and got a ride
327
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,817
home with him after he
done got his ass wooped.
328
00:16:42,482 --> 00:16:44,849
You don't know
what to say to him.
329
00:16:44,851 --> 00:16:47,121
He yellin' out incoherent shit.
330
00:16:49,056 --> 00:16:51,126
"Jordans like to wear pitbulls."
331
00:16:52,860 --> 00:16:54,296
What the fuck are
you talkin' 'bout?
332
00:16:55,163 --> 00:16:56,929
Askin' you questions and shit.
333
00:16:56,931 --> 00:16:58,767
Nah, I don't know
where your teeth are.
334
00:16:59,499 --> 00:17:02,169
Last time I seen them,
they was with you.
335
00:17:04,004 --> 00:17:06,137
One of my favorite
fighters of all times,
336
00:17:06,139 --> 00:17:08,076
favorite fighters
is Mike Tyson, man.
337
00:17:09,576 --> 00:17:10,479
Love Mike Tyson.
338
00:17:11,278 --> 00:17:12,411
One of my
favorite fighters, man.
339
00:17:12,413 --> 00:17:15,980
Wouldn't it be cool if
somebody was fuckin' with you,
340
00:17:15,982 --> 00:17:18,217
you could run in there
get Mike if he's a cousin,
341
00:17:18,219 --> 00:17:19,884
brother, uncle, all you
gotta do is run in there.
342
00:17:19,886 --> 00:17:21,085
Mike, Mike!
343
00:17:21,087 --> 00:17:22,420
The motherfucker
punched my nose!
344
00:17:22,422 --> 00:17:24,392
Stop cryin', what happened?
345
00:17:25,593 --> 00:17:27,492
You know Mike got
that soft voice.
346
00:17:27,494 --> 00:17:30,028
Stop cryin', what happened?
347
00:17:30,030 --> 00:17:32,067
Let me eat my cereal first.
348
00:17:33,034 --> 00:17:34,967
Come on, let's go handle it.
349
00:17:34,969 --> 00:17:36,134
Is it him right here?
350
00:17:36,136 --> 00:17:37,536
Boing!
351
00:17:37,538 --> 00:17:39,974
Stop cryin', look
his back is broke.
352
00:17:41,442 --> 00:17:44,445
He won't bother you no more.
If he do, he roll up on you.
353
00:17:45,278 --> 00:17:46,978
Would anybody in here
let Mike Tyson hit 'em
354
00:17:46,980 --> 00:17:48,213
for 10 million dollars?
355
00:17:48,215 --> 00:17:51,385
- WOMAN: Yeah!
- [LAUGHS]
356
00:17:52,118 --> 00:17:54,920
You raisin' your hand?
A female raisin' her hand.
357
00:17:54,922 --> 00:17:57,890
[LAUGHS]
358
00:17:57,892 --> 00:18:00,526
You would let Mike Tyson
hit your for 10 million?
359
00:18:00,528 --> 00:18:01,594
Fuck that.
360
00:18:01,596 --> 00:18:03,062
No amount of money.
361
00:18:03,064 --> 00:18:04,197
You let him hit
you for 10 million,
362
00:18:04,199 --> 00:18:06,966
you have on some new shoes
but you be all fucked up.
363
00:18:06,968 --> 00:18:10,005
[LAUGHTER]
364
00:18:11,404 --> 00:18:17,077
SLURS] Mike Tyson hit me for
10 million dollars.
365
00:18:17,878 --> 00:18:21,080
He hit me and I
got some new shoes.
366
00:18:21,082 --> 00:18:24,953
I got some new... new,
I got some new shoes,
367
00:18:25,586 --> 00:18:27,489
I got some new shoes.
368
00:18:28,422 --> 00:18:31,192
Fuckin' with Mike Tyson
got me some new shoes.
369
00:18:38,432 --> 00:18:39,433
Yeah.
370
00:18:40,334 --> 00:18:42,301
But I had a lot of
heart though, y'all.
371
00:18:42,303 --> 00:18:44,335
I had a lot of heart comin'
up, I'd fight anybody,
372
00:18:44,337 --> 00:18:45,638
I didn't give a fuck, you know.
373
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,039
I ain't no big guy,
but I'd fight anybody.
374
00:18:48,041 --> 00:18:50,308
I remember this guy
named George like 6'9"
375
00:18:50,310 --> 00:18:52,911
was fuckin' with my sister,
he's on the football team.
376
00:18:52,913 --> 00:18:55,113
My sister came in there,
"George fuckin' with me!"
377
00:18:55,115 --> 00:18:56,247
I said, "George who?"
378
00:18:56,249 --> 00:18:58,017
"This 6'9" motherfucker."
379
00:18:58,019 --> 00:19:00,221
I said, "I'mma handle it,
I'mma handle it."
380
00:19:00,922 --> 00:19:03,488
I went lookin' for George.
Where this nigga George at?
381
00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:05,690
Anybody seen George?
382
00:19:05,692 --> 00:19:09,327
Has anybody seen George?
383
00:19:09,329 --> 00:19:11,630
Where this motherfucker
George at?
384
00:19:11,632 --> 00:19:13,431
Anybody seen George?
385
00:19:13,433 --> 00:19:14,903
Come here, nigga!
386
00:19:16,436 --> 00:19:18,304
You fuckin' with my sister?
387
00:19:18,306 --> 00:19:20,338
Let me tell your big
6'9" ass somethin'.
388
00:19:20,340 --> 00:19:23,275
Don't you fuck with nothin'
that's mine ever again.
389
00:19:23,277 --> 00:19:25,110
Let me tell you something.
George,
390
00:19:25,112 --> 00:19:28,046
I will take your big ass down.
I will hurt you, George.
391
00:19:28,048 --> 00:19:29,949
Don't fuck with
nothin' that's mine.
392
00:19:29,951 --> 00:19:31,049
George looked at me.
393
00:19:31,051 --> 00:19:32,284
He said,
"Okay, Martin, you got it."
394
00:19:32,286 --> 00:19:33,488
Looked down at me.
395
00:19:34,689 --> 00:19:37,122
That's when I knew I
was gonna be an actor.
396
00:19:37,124 --> 00:19:41,262
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
397
00:19:51,204 --> 00:19:54,006
But, God, let me tell you
a little about family.
398
00:19:54,008 --> 00:19:55,606
Got a beautiful family.
399
00:19:55,608 --> 00:19:58,744
Support me all the way here.
All during my comedy.
400
00:19:58,746 --> 00:20:01,080
I told my nephews I was
comin' down here to LA.
401
00:20:01,082 --> 00:20:02,448
I said, "I'm goin'
to do my thing,
402
00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:04,149
I gotta take LA, they live."
403
00:20:04,151 --> 00:20:07,119
"Yeah, they live in LA, go down
there, motherfuckin' Unc
404
00:20:07,121 --> 00:20:09,688
and turn up on 'em!
Turn up on 'em, Unc!
405
00:20:09,690 --> 00:20:13,094
Dab on 'em, Unc.
Dab on 'em, dab on 'em."
406
00:20:15,195 --> 00:20:17,095
Watch me whip, watch me nae nae.
407
00:20:17,097 --> 00:20:19,433
Watch me whip, watch me nae nae.
408
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:23,369
I got three beautiful sisters.
409
00:20:23,371 --> 00:20:25,603
One of my sisters,
she's very, very nice,
410
00:20:25,605 --> 00:20:27,105
in the daytime.
411
00:20:27,107 --> 00:20:28,373
[LAUGHTER]
412
00:20:28,375 --> 00:20:29,741
Once she get that
drink in her, she,
413
00:20:29,743 --> 00:20:32,480
"I cut your throat,
motherfucker!"
414
00:20:33,614 --> 00:20:35,480
Our stepfather used
to talk like this.
415
00:20:35,482 --> 00:20:37,548
"Son, I love you so much.
Son, I love what you doin'
416
00:20:37,550 --> 00:20:39,751
in the game, I love
what you doin', son."
417
00:20:39,753 --> 00:20:41,420
I said, "Dad,"
I told him, I said,
418
00:20:41,422 --> 00:20:43,087
"Dad, I'm goin' to
the Kentucky Derby."
419
00:20:43,089 --> 00:20:45,423
He said, "Oh yeah, son!
Where that at?"
420
00:20:45,425 --> 00:20:46,758
[LAUGHTER]
421
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,727
I said, "Dad, I'm goin'
to the Kentucky Derby."
422
00:20:48,729 --> 00:20:51,162
He said, "Don't get upset,
son. All I'm sayin' is,
423
00:20:51,164 --> 00:20:52,363
where that at?"
424
00:20:52,365 --> 00:20:54,132
I said, "Dad, Kentucky!"
425
00:20:54,134 --> 00:20:55,467
He said,
"Well, shit. Bring me back
426
00:20:55,469 --> 00:20:59,673
a Kentucky Fried Chicken
meal, two piece biscuits..."
427
00:21:01,307 --> 00:21:02,775
I know what I wanted
to share with y'all,
428
00:21:02,777 --> 00:21:03,745
I had to tell ya.
429
00:21:04,945 --> 00:21:06,445
Got a chance to go to the
White House, meet the President.
430
00:21:06,447 --> 00:21:09,047
- [CHEERING]
- Yeah!
431
00:21:09,049 --> 00:21:09,750
Yeah.
432
00:21:10,785 --> 00:21:12,418
Yeah.
433
00:21:12,420 --> 00:21:14,652
Sure did, man. Soon as I walked
in the White House,
434
00:21:14,654 --> 00:21:17,725
Barack saw me and
was like, "Wazzup!"
435
00:21:20,461 --> 00:21:23,128
I was like,
"Mr. President, Mr. President!"
436
00:21:23,130 --> 00:21:26,267
He said, "Call me Barry,
Marty. Call me Barry."
437
00:21:27,101 --> 00:21:28,667
Man, he started
walkin' me 'round,
438
00:21:28,669 --> 00:21:29,735
started showin' me 'round.
439
00:21:29,737 --> 00:21:33,475
He said, "Look, Marty,
FUBU rug. For Us, By Us."
440
00:21:37,644 --> 00:21:40,411
Man, we started
walkin' around, man.
441
00:21:40,413 --> 00:21:42,680
He started showin' me 'round
and had music playin'.
442
00:21:42,682 --> 00:21:44,716
♪ I'm so in love with you ♪
443
00:21:44,718 --> 00:21:46,818
But his groove was off 'cause
you know he black and white.
444
00:21:46,820 --> 00:21:48,687
So his shit was off.
445
00:21:48,689 --> 00:21:51,757
♪ So in love with you ♪
446
00:21:51,759 --> 00:21:54,793
♪ Whatever you wanna do ♪
447
00:21:54,795 --> 00:21:57,465
It's all fucked up,
just be all fucked up.
448
00:21:59,299 --> 00:22:00,766
Then he took me
past the kitchen.
449
00:22:00,768 --> 00:22:02,734
He says,
"Michelle, look who's here!"
450
00:22:02,736 --> 00:22:05,206
She said, "Marty Mar!"
451
00:22:07,407 --> 00:22:09,274
The girls,
daughters were gettin'
452
00:22:09,276 --> 00:22:11,410
their hair pressed
in the kitchen.
453
00:22:11,412 --> 00:22:13,047
[LAUGHTER]
454
00:22:13,547 --> 00:22:17,052
Smell like hair hawkin'
grease in that motherfucker.
455
00:22:19,252 --> 00:22:20,254
Man.
456
00:22:21,355 --> 00:22:22,420
Then he took me back to the
Oval Office and he said,
457
00:22:22,422 --> 00:22:25,423
"Marty, that's where
Monica Lewinsky gave Clinton
458
00:22:25,425 --> 00:22:28,328
that sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.
459
00:22:29,663 --> 00:22:31,563
Yeah, Michelle won't
even let me sit there.
460
00:22:31,565 --> 00:22:33,332
Michelle won't even
let me sit there."
461
00:22:33,334 --> 00:22:35,467
[LAUGHTER]
462
00:22:35,469 --> 00:22:38,603
Man, we go back to the Oval
Office, then he close the door,
463
00:22:38,605 --> 00:22:41,509
and he looked at me and he
said, "You smoke a little weed?"
464
00:22:44,211 --> 00:22:47,312
I said, "I don't really fuck
with it, but you the President,
465
00:22:47,314 --> 00:22:48,479
you the President!"
466
00:22:48,481 --> 00:22:50,548
He said, "Who legalizin'
that shit, huh?"
467
00:22:50,550 --> 00:22:53,251
Who legalizin' that shit, huh?"
468
00:22:53,253 --> 00:22:55,289
[APPLAUSE]
469
00:22:56,856 --> 00:22:59,525
Man, me and the President
start gettin' high.
470
00:22:59,527 --> 00:23:02,527
He got deep too, he said,
"Yeah, Marty, finally got
471
00:23:02,529 --> 00:23:05,596
that Obamacare though, they
was fuckin' with me on that,
472
00:23:05,598 --> 00:23:09,870
but now everybody get
Obamacare, nigga, yeah.
473
00:23:11,872 --> 00:23:14,506
My security detail, they
fuckin' up, runnin' into
474
00:23:14,508 --> 00:23:16,275
the White House with
their cars and shit,
475
00:23:16,277 --> 00:23:19,210
made me wanna put my foot
in one of their asses.
476
00:23:19,212 --> 00:23:21,580
You know they gave me that
Nobel Peace Prize, right?
477
00:23:21,582 --> 00:23:22,680
For what, I don't know."
478
00:23:22,682 --> 00:23:23,615
[LAUGHTER]
479
00:23:23,617 --> 00:23:24,583
"And then he said,
look here, fuck that,
480
00:23:24,585 --> 00:23:26,852
I brought you here for
one specific reason.
481
00:23:26,854 --> 00:23:28,320
Nobody else could
get the answer.
482
00:23:28,322 --> 00:23:29,755
I'm the Prez, I need to know.
483
00:23:29,757 --> 00:23:30,555
Nobody could get the answer,
484
00:23:30,557 --> 00:23:32,658
but I'm the Prez,
I need to know."
485
00:23:32,660 --> 00:23:34,496
And he leaned in
and he asked me...
486
00:23:35,528 --> 00:23:37,598
"What the fuck did
Tommy do for a livin'?"
487
00:23:54,547 --> 00:23:57,285
I told him, "He ain't
got no job, Prez.
488
00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:01,753
Tommy the type could
hang out with Jerome."
489
00:24:01,755 --> 00:24:04,359
[YELLING]
490
00:24:05,826 --> 00:24:07,959
I said Jerome in the house.
491
00:24:07,961 --> 00:24:10,528
I said Jerome in the house.
492
00:24:10,530 --> 00:24:12,432
Watch your mouth!
493
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:22,342
I just wanted to do that.
494
00:24:22,977 --> 00:24:25,677
Just 'cause you all
so good audience,
495
00:24:25,679 --> 00:24:26,911
I just wanted to do that.
496
00:24:26,913 --> 00:24:29,847
But y'all know I'm lying talkin'
'bout meetin' the President,
497
00:24:29,849 --> 00:24:31,917
I didn't meet the President.
I'm lyin' my ass off.
498
00:24:31,919 --> 00:24:33,818
Y'all know I'm lyin'.
499
00:24:33,820 --> 00:24:35,920
Talkin' about smokin'
weed with the President.
500
00:24:35,922 --> 00:24:37,788
Man, where my weed smokers at?
501
00:24:37,790 --> 00:24:39,824
- [CHEERING]
- Yeah.
502
00:24:39,826 --> 00:24:40,795
Yeah.
503
00:24:41,796 --> 00:24:43,264
I see the black lips,
I see the black lips.
504
00:24:44,265 --> 00:24:46,430
Boy, I can't smoke that
shit all the time, boy.
505
00:24:46,432 --> 00:24:48,499
Weed have you doin'
some dumb shit.
506
00:24:48,501 --> 00:24:50,771
Have you gettin' dressed
in the kitchen and shit.
507
00:24:51,638 --> 00:24:53,005
Yeah I'm put my pants on
508
00:24:53,007 --> 00:24:54,872
and scramble my eggs
at the same time.
509
00:24:54,874 --> 00:24:56,540
Motherfuckers ain't
thinkin' like that,
510
00:24:56,542 --> 00:24:57,911
they ain't thinkin' like that.
511
00:25:00,447 --> 00:25:03,849
How you sittin' at a stop sign
waitin' for it to turn green.
512
00:25:03,851 --> 00:25:06,821
[LAUGHTER]
513
00:25:14,528 --> 00:25:15,963
Fuck is wrong with this light?
514
00:25:16,663 --> 00:25:19,030
You at a stop sign, nigga.
515
00:25:19,032 --> 00:25:21,935
Be lookin' for your phone
while you on the motherfucker.
516
00:25:22,635 --> 00:25:24,568
Where the fuck is my phone?
517
00:25:24,570 --> 00:25:27,305
Where the fuck is my phone?
518
00:25:27,307 --> 00:25:29,607
I know it's around
here somewhere.
519
00:25:29,609 --> 00:25:32,713
Let me call you back, I gotta
find my motherfuckin' phone.
520
00:25:38,885 --> 00:25:41,689
And black people, white people,
we get high differently.
521
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,488
Black people, we get high,
we start philosophying.
522
00:25:44,490 --> 00:25:47,625
We get high we, 'cause
the world is spinnin'
523
00:25:47,627 --> 00:25:50,795
like a motherfucker,
so if you wanna be here,
524
00:25:50,797 --> 00:25:52,267
you gotta hang on.
525
00:25:53,599 --> 00:25:56,401
See how I deep I just
came, see how deep.
526
00:25:56,403 --> 00:25:59,339
White boys smoke that
shit, you hear that?
527
00:26:01,008 --> 00:26:03,074
Did you fuckin' hear that?
528
00:26:03,076 --> 00:26:05,046
It says kill four people dude.
529
00:26:05,878 --> 00:26:07,446
Fuckin' kill four people.
530
00:26:07,448 --> 00:26:08,983
I'm gonna get my fucking gun.
531
00:26:11,551 --> 00:26:14,052
White boys get all emotional
and shit when they get high.
532
00:26:14,054 --> 00:26:16,391
"Yo, dude,
I fuckin' love you man.
533
00:26:16,990 --> 00:26:20,057
Fuckin' love your cats,
your dogs, your hamsters,
534
00:26:20,059 --> 00:26:22,794
all that shit dude,
I fuckin' love you."
535
00:26:22,796 --> 00:26:24,095
They put their
body into it, too.
536
00:26:24,097 --> 00:26:26,597
"I fuckin' love you dude.
537
00:26:26,599 --> 00:26:28,400
I love your ass.
538
00:26:28,402 --> 00:26:30,067
You're my bestie fuckin' dude.
539
00:26:30,069 --> 00:26:32,673
You're my fuckin' bestie, dude."
540
00:26:36,410 --> 00:26:38,744
Yeah. Gettin' high, though.
541
00:26:38,746 --> 00:26:42,381
I don't recommend you do this,
don't get high and drive.
542
00:26:42,383 --> 00:26:44,149
I did that shit, and
that shit was crazy.
543
00:26:44,151 --> 00:26:47,753
I was at a club and I left the
club, I was so fuckin' high,
544
00:26:47,755 --> 00:26:50,122
I was drivin' and I
pulled up at a light,
545
00:26:50,124 --> 00:26:53,392
and I looked over, and a cop
pulled up right beside me.
546
00:26:53,394 --> 00:26:54,625
I looked at the cop
547
00:26:54,627 --> 00:26:56,463
and I drove right through
the fuckin' light.
548
00:26:59,066 --> 00:27:00,934
I just pulled over.
549
00:27:01,969 --> 00:27:04,402
Cop said, "What
were you thinkin'?"
550
00:27:04,404 --> 00:27:05,572
I said, "I'm high.
551
00:27:08,008 --> 00:27:10,875
Doin' too much, doin' too much.
552
00:27:10,877 --> 00:27:12,043
Can you give me a ticket?
553
00:27:12,045 --> 00:27:13,745
I gotta learn.
554
00:27:13,747 --> 00:27:16,050
I gotta fuckin' learn."
555
00:27:24,424 --> 00:27:28,826
If you out there, if you get
your drink on with your liquor,
556
00:27:28,828 --> 00:27:30,797
yeah, be careful
with that liquor.
557
00:27:32,699 --> 00:27:34,466
Be careful with that liquor.
558
00:27:34,468 --> 00:27:36,468
I like people to know how
to handle their drink.
559
00:27:36,470 --> 00:27:37,969
Social drinkers
get a little drink.
560
00:27:37,971 --> 00:27:40,604
[CHUCKLES]
"Yeah, what I'm talkin' 'bout!"
561
00:27:40,606 --> 00:27:44,142
Yeah. [LAUGHS]
It's all good, it's all good.
562
00:27:44,144 --> 00:27:46,844
I know people that know how
to drink like that, they cool.
563
00:27:46,846 --> 00:27:48,715
But how do motherfuckers
get this drunk?
564
00:27:50,584 --> 00:27:53,587
[LAUGHTER]
565
00:28:06,232 --> 00:28:09,169
I need a... I need a Uber.
566
00:28:10,636 --> 00:28:12,136
They got that drunk
talk and shit.
567
00:28:12,138 --> 00:28:13,940
I need a Uber.
568
00:28:14,708 --> 00:28:17,044
Somebody get me an Uber.
569
00:28:21,781 --> 00:28:24,882
If you drinkin' be careful,
know who you drinkin' with.
570
00:28:24,884 --> 00:28:26,750
'Cause you know you fuck
around, don't know who you
571
00:28:26,752 --> 00:28:28,955
drinkin' with, wake up the next
day, your kidney be missin'.
572
00:28:30,156 --> 00:28:32,824
'Cause you know they be
stealin' body parts and shit.
573
00:28:32,826 --> 00:28:35,526
You fuck around,
wake up, have a new leg on.
574
00:28:35,528 --> 00:28:37,795
Have a tall-ass fuckin' leg on.
575
00:28:37,797 --> 00:28:41,799
Who the fuck put this
fuckin' leg on me?
576
00:28:41,801 --> 00:28:46,537
This tall-ass, fuckin'
slap foot-ass leg on me.
577
00:28:46,539 --> 00:28:47,774
Who the fuck?
578
00:28:48,509 --> 00:28:49,475
Who was I drinkin' with?
579
00:28:49,477 --> 00:28:53,044
Who the fuck was
I drinkin' with last night?
580
00:28:53,046 --> 00:28:54,047
What the fuck?
581
00:28:55,816 --> 00:28:58,152
I can't even run in
this motherfucker.
582
00:29:06,692 --> 00:29:09,827
Just turned, just
turned 50 last year.
583
00:29:09,829 --> 00:29:13,900
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
584
00:29:16,169 --> 00:29:17,802
Thank you. Thank you.
585
00:29:17,804 --> 00:29:20,305
Gettin' old, y'all. 50, man.
Gettin' old, gettin' old.
586
00:29:20,307 --> 00:29:23,240
Got that gut now and
shit, got that gut.
587
00:29:23,242 --> 00:29:25,176
This motherfucker ain't
goin' nowhere man,
588
00:29:25,178 --> 00:29:26,481
ain't goin' nowhere.
589
00:29:27,647 --> 00:29:30,148
It's all 50. 50 all puddin'.
Nothin' but just puddin'.
590
00:29:30,150 --> 00:29:33,718
Ain't gonna be no more abs on
this motherfucker ever again.
591
00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:36,755
You'll never see another
ab on this motherfucker.
592
00:29:36,757 --> 00:29:39,056
But that's a'ight,
I ain't mad, I ain't worried,
593
00:29:39,058 --> 00:29:41,495
'cause all this
turn into dick after 12.
594
00:29:42,895 --> 00:29:47,966
Just skababoom, skabow, bang,
595
00:29:47,968 --> 00:29:53,908
sping, spow, spot, sping.
596
00:29:55,174 --> 00:29:57,142
Gettin' old, y'all. Gettin' old.
597
00:29:57,144 --> 00:30:01,246
Be walkin' around the house
singing jingles and shit.
598
00:30:01,248 --> 00:30:04,315
♪ You don't have to be lonely ♪
599
00:30:04,317 --> 00:30:07,221
♪ At Farmersonly.com ♪
600
00:30:08,255 --> 00:30:10,258
Fuck am I singing that shit for?
601
00:30:11,758 --> 00:30:14,629
♪ I'm in love with the cocoa ♪
602
00:30:16,195 --> 00:30:19,733
♪ Bakin' soda, I got bakin'
soda, I got bakin' soda ♪
603
00:30:20,767 --> 00:30:21,833
They got another one out.
604
00:30:21,835 --> 00:30:24,572
Cutty, you got the cutty.
605
00:30:25,105 --> 00:30:26,270
I don't know what they mean.
606
00:30:26,272 --> 00:30:30,778
You got the cutty,
you got the cutty.
607
00:30:32,980 --> 00:30:34,813
They got one song
out, Truffle Butter,
608
00:30:34,815 --> 00:30:35,881
they be jammin' on that shit.
609
00:30:35,883 --> 00:30:38,350
♪ Truffle Butter
Truffle Butter ♪
610
00:30:38,352 --> 00:30:40,218
Anybody know what that is?
611
00:30:40,220 --> 00:30:42,152
They say that's when you
take the pussy juice,
612
00:30:42,154 --> 00:30:45,055
and the ass juice,
and you mix it all up.
613
00:30:45,057 --> 00:30:47,792
And sometime it got
corn in it and stuff,
614
00:30:47,794 --> 00:30:49,630
and you just eat it all up.
615
00:30:50,329 --> 00:30:51,630
They be jammin' too.
616
00:30:51,632 --> 00:30:53,230
♪ Truffle Butter ♪
617
00:30:53,232 --> 00:30:54,999
♪ Truffle Butter ♪
618
00:30:55,001 --> 00:30:56,200
Shit, I go to a restaurant,
619
00:30:56,202 --> 00:30:58,236
I don't order nothin'
with truffle in it.
620
00:30:58,238 --> 00:31:00,337
[LAUGHTER]
621
00:31:00,339 --> 00:31:01,972
Gettin' old, though, y'all.
Gettin' old.
622
00:31:01,974 --> 00:31:03,610
Startin' to piss on myself.
623
00:31:04,778 --> 00:31:07,312
What in the fuck is it at 50
when you see the bathroom,
624
00:31:07,314 --> 00:31:08,880
soon as you see
that motherfucker,
625
00:31:08,882 --> 00:31:10,315
you start doing this shit.
626
00:31:10,317 --> 00:31:12,586
[LAUGHTER]
627
00:31:13,953 --> 00:31:14,855
Like this.
628
00:31:17,356 --> 00:31:19,658
[SIGHS]
629
00:31:19,660 --> 00:31:22,293
Think you finished. Oh, no.
630
00:31:22,295 --> 00:31:25,166
Oh, no, there it go again,
there it go again.
631
00:31:26,232 --> 00:31:27,399
Man.
632
00:31:27,401 --> 00:31:29,870
My dick done shrink on me.
633
00:31:30,871 --> 00:31:32,807
I didn't if it was
my belly button.
634
00:31:33,973 --> 00:31:36,940
I'm startin' to pee
on my balls now.
635
00:31:36,942 --> 00:31:39,209
And my balls just hangin'
in the water every time
636
00:31:39,211 --> 00:31:43,347
I sit down, just hangin' in
the water, just dunky dunk,
637
00:31:43,349 --> 00:31:47,818
just moist balls, just
damp balls all the time,
638
00:31:47,820 --> 00:31:52,792
just moist, damp balls
every fuckin' time.
639
00:31:54,827 --> 00:31:57,195
Gettin' old, gettin' old.
640
00:31:57,197 --> 00:31:59,033
Startin' to shit on myself.
641
00:32:00,701 --> 00:32:03,468
I know you think it can't
happen to you, but it can.
642
00:32:03,470 --> 00:32:04,838
It can.
643
00:32:05,940 --> 00:32:08,872
It happened to me. I was in
Vegas and I was going to
644
00:32:08,874 --> 00:32:11,209
an event and we was
in the limo and my boy
645
00:32:11,211 --> 00:32:13,210
he got in the limo
and he farted,
646
00:32:13,212 --> 00:32:15,313
and I just thought that
was disrespectful you know.
647
00:32:15,315 --> 00:32:17,315
He got in the limo and
he... [IMITATES LOUD FART]
648
00:32:17,317 --> 00:32:18,549
I was mad, y'all.
649
00:32:18,551 --> 00:32:21,885
I said, "Oh, he gonna get in my
limo and let off like that."
650
00:32:21,887 --> 00:32:24,788
I said, "Oh okay, I got
one for that, take this.
651
00:32:24,790 --> 00:32:26,324
[IMITATES FART]
And I shit it.
652
00:32:26,326 --> 00:32:28,028
[LAUGHTER]
653
00:32:29,496 --> 00:32:31,699
That soft diaper shit, too.
654
00:32:34,401 --> 00:32:36,901
I couldn't go back in
the hotel, so I just took
655
00:32:36,903 --> 00:32:39,237
my drawers off, got a good swipe
656
00:32:39,239 --> 00:32:41,741
and threw them motherfuckers
on the Vegas strip.
657
00:32:43,442 --> 00:32:45,276
So if you see some
shitty drawers out there,
658
00:32:45,278 --> 00:32:47,746
bring 'em to me,
I'll sign 'em for you.
659
00:32:47,748 --> 00:32:49,216
[LAUGHTER]
660
00:32:55,521 --> 00:32:57,988
Gettin' old, man, gettin' old.
661
00:32:57,990 --> 00:32:59,891
I know you think, fellas,
you think your dick gonna
662
00:32:59,893 --> 00:33:01,159
be there for you all the time.
663
00:33:01,161 --> 00:33:03,761
At 50 that motherfucker
stop, it wanna act up.
664
00:33:03,763 --> 00:33:06,831
It just start, it be doin'
shit, it just be down
665
00:33:06,833 --> 00:33:12,370
that motherfucker just,
just, just, just doin' shit.
666
00:33:12,372 --> 00:33:14,305
I don't know, I ain't
fuckin' with you, Marty, today,
667
00:33:14,307 --> 00:33:15,942
I ain't fuckin' with you today.
668
00:33:17,810 --> 00:33:20,245
And if your dick start acting
up, what you gonna need?
669
00:33:20,247 --> 00:33:22,313
You gonna need that what?
That Viagra.
670
00:33:22,315 --> 00:33:24,215
Anybody here ever take Viagra?
671
00:33:24,217 --> 00:33:26,450
Y'all liars!
672
00:33:26,452 --> 00:33:28,720
Y'all liars.
673
00:33:28,855 --> 00:33:30,220
Hey, take that shit. Take
that shit, that shit work.
674
00:33:30,222 --> 00:33:32,556
[LAUGHTER]
675
00:33:32,558 --> 00:33:35,160
It just got a lot of side
effects, lot of side effects.
676
00:33:35,162 --> 00:33:37,394
One side effect is bald heads.
677
00:33:37,396 --> 00:33:38,496
There are a lot of bald headed
678
00:33:38,498 --> 00:33:40,131
motherfuckers in
here right now.
679
00:33:40,133 --> 00:33:41,365
[LAUGHTER]
680
00:33:41,367 --> 00:33:43,867
Another side effect
is stuffy nose.
681
00:33:43,869 --> 00:33:45,903
You don't get no pussy you
just be sniffin' all night.
682
00:33:45,905 --> 00:33:47,171
[SNIFFS] Doing this shit.
683
00:33:47,173 --> 00:33:49,274
Another one is diarrhea.
684
00:33:49,276 --> 00:33:52,576
And the other one is the biggest
one of all, it's blindness.
685
00:33:52,578 --> 00:33:54,882
Would you risk goin'
blind for some pussy?
686
00:33:55,848 --> 00:33:57,817
I don't know, I might
have to risk that.
687
00:33:58,351 --> 00:33:59,817
I be blinder
than a motherfucker.
688
00:33:59,819 --> 00:34:01,219
Who am I fuckin'?
689
00:34:01,221 --> 00:34:02,957
Who am I fuckin'?
690
00:34:04,590 --> 00:34:06,423
Be singin' Stevie Wonder songs.
691
00:34:06,425 --> 00:34:08,962
♪ If you really love me ♪
692
00:34:10,830 --> 00:34:12,833
♪ Won't you tell me ♪
693
00:34:15,135 --> 00:34:18,235
That Viagra. They say if
you gonna use that Viagra,
694
00:34:18,237 --> 00:34:20,070
they say if your
dick stay hard longer
695
00:34:20,072 --> 00:34:22,106
than four, five hours,
go see the doctor.
696
00:34:22,108 --> 00:34:23,007
I ain't gonna see no doctor,
697
00:34:23,009 --> 00:34:25,142
he ain't stickin' no
needle in my shit.
698
00:34:25,144 --> 00:34:26,945
My dick hard longer than
four, five hours,
699
00:34:26,947 --> 00:34:28,481
I'm fuckin' everybody.
700
00:34:29,615 --> 00:34:31,418
#
701
00:34:32,518 --> 00:34:33,517
Take that.
702
00:34:33,519 --> 00:34:35,186
Take that, take that.
703
00:34:35,188 --> 00:34:36,090
Take that.
704
00:34:38,057 --> 00:34:41,925
And they say, and they say
what if you get a hard dick
705
00:34:41,927 --> 00:34:44,461
and you gotta shit
at the same time?
706
00:34:44,463 --> 00:34:45,530
That's cold, ain't it?
707
00:34:45,532 --> 00:34:47,300
Your dick hard and you... Oh!
708
00:34:48,168 --> 00:34:49,170
Oh.
709
00:34:49,969 --> 00:34:51,004
Which one...
710
00:34:51,905 --> 00:34:54,008
Which one do I do first? Oh.
711
00:34:55,108 --> 00:34:57,008
Do I fuck first
and then go shit?
712
00:34:57,010 --> 00:34:59,177
Do I shit and then go fuck?
713
00:34:59,179 --> 00:35:01,414
Oh do you just,
pow, let it all go.
714
00:35:02,382 --> 00:35:04,451
I got some good news,
I got some bad news.
715
00:35:06,186 --> 00:35:09,052
Good news, I came,
I came. I did, I came.
716
00:35:09,054 --> 00:35:11,057
Bad news is
I shit it, I shit it.
717
00:35:11,657 --> 00:35:14,094
We gonna clean it all up,
we gonna clean it all up.
718
00:35:19,398 --> 00:35:21,099
WOMAN: I love you!
719
00:35:21,101 --> 00:35:23,333
I love you back, baby.
I love you back.
720
00:35:23,335 --> 00:35:25,135
[CHEERING]
721
00:35:25,137 --> 00:35:29,173
Went to... went to see my
doctor the other day.
722
00:35:29,175 --> 00:35:32,610
He gonna tell me that
I had low testosterone.
723
00:35:32,612 --> 00:35:33,914
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
724
00:35:34,447 --> 00:35:35,914
That's funny?
725
00:35:35,916 --> 00:35:37,615
[LAUGHTER]
726
00:35:37,617 --> 00:35:41,121
Said I had a slow
leak in my balls.
727
00:35:42,655 --> 00:35:45,893
And the only way to fix it
was with some Fix a Flat.
728
00:35:48,128 --> 00:35:50,494
Said it was a good thing
I got in there when I did
729
00:35:50,496 --> 00:35:52,232
'cause I was close to DD.
730
00:35:52,932 --> 00:35:54,335
I was close to dead dick.
731
00:35:56,402 --> 00:35:57,969
Boy, when you got a dead dick,
732
00:35:57,971 --> 00:36:00,972
you just be soft and
in love that's it.
733
00:36:00,974 --> 00:36:03,309
Only thing you could do is
become a good hugger and shit.
734
00:36:04,010 --> 00:36:05,075
Get up under these arms, girl,
735
00:36:05,077 --> 00:36:07,211
you know I'm gonna hug the
shit out yo ass tonight.
736
00:36:07,213 --> 00:36:08,278
You know that, right?
737
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:10,113
I might wrap a leg
around your ass.
738
00:36:10,115 --> 00:36:12,652
I might wrap a leg
around your ass.
739
00:36:18,525 --> 00:36:20,958
Round of applause for all
the people in relationships.
740
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:24,595
[APPLAUSE]
741
00:36:24,597 --> 00:36:26,630
Congratulations,
all four of you.
742
00:36:26,632 --> 00:36:27,566
[LAUGHTER]
743
00:36:27,568 --> 00:36:28,365
Round of applause
for everybody lookin'
744
00:36:28,367 --> 00:36:30,403
for that one night
stand tonight.
745
00:36:31,137 --> 00:36:32,637
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
746
00:36:32,639 --> 00:36:34,104
Y'all don't wanna
admit this shit.
747
00:36:34,106 --> 00:36:36,407
One night stands
is cool, they cool.
748
00:36:36,409 --> 00:36:39,376
It's just fucked up you can't
get rid of 'em sometime.
749
00:36:39,378 --> 00:36:41,382
After you hit it and
shit, you be layin' there.
750
00:36:42,081 --> 00:36:43,650
So what you about to do?
751
00:36:46,286 --> 00:36:47,684
And sometime they
don't wanna leave
752
00:36:47,686 --> 00:36:49,653
until the next day and shit.
753
00:36:49,655 --> 00:36:52,190
You gotta let 'em stay 'til
the next day then get up
754
00:36:52,192 --> 00:36:55,492
in the morning, get fully
dressed, walk them to the car,
755
00:36:55,494 --> 00:36:58,429
get them in the car,
watch them drive off,
756
00:36:58,431 --> 00:37:01,499
go back in your house, get
undressed and get back in bad.
757
00:37:01,501 --> 00:37:03,534
I ain't fuckin' with you.
758
00:37:03,536 --> 00:37:06,706
You stupid ass bitch,
I ain't fuckin' with you.
759
00:37:10,376 --> 00:37:13,177
You gonna have them one night
stand, fellas, use them condoms.
760
00:37:13,179 --> 00:37:14,579
I know you don't wanna
use them condoms, fellas.
761
00:37:14,581 --> 00:37:16,246
You tell 'em, I like
to hit that thing raw,
762
00:37:16,248 --> 00:37:17,216
I like to hit that thing raw.
763
00:37:18,418 --> 00:37:19,450
Use them condoms, 'cause you
fuck around, stick your dick
764
00:37:19,452 --> 00:37:21,586
in somethin', pull it out,
look like a hot dog
765
00:37:21,588 --> 00:37:23,390
that popped in the microwave.
766
00:37:25,458 --> 00:37:27,057
You know it's fucked
up when a doctor
767
00:37:27,059 --> 00:37:28,159
don't know what he lookin' at.
768
00:37:28,161 --> 00:37:30,161
When he's,
"What the fuck am I...?"
769
00:37:30,163 --> 00:37:30,994
What the fuck?
770
00:37:30,996 --> 00:37:32,764
Let me make a
fuckin' phone call.
771
00:37:32,766 --> 00:37:34,001
Let me...
772
00:37:38,070 --> 00:37:39,804
Talk about them
relationships, though.
773
00:37:39,806 --> 00:37:42,039
They beautiful when they
first start out man.
774
00:37:42,041 --> 00:37:44,208
I know some of y'all
sittin' in here tonight,
775
00:37:44,210 --> 00:37:45,543
and it's new, it's brand new.
776
00:37:45,545 --> 00:37:47,512
Fun when it's new,
777
00:37:47,514 --> 00:37:49,813
'cause you got that giddy
walk every time you see 'em.
778
00:37:49,815 --> 00:37:51,250
Baby, baby.
779
00:37:52,585 --> 00:37:55,688
[LAUGHTER]
780
00:38:00,226 --> 00:38:02,162
Oh, there go my baby.
There go my baby.
781
00:38:03,128 --> 00:38:04,764
[LAUGHTER]
782
00:38:09,501 --> 00:38:11,572
And you got no cool
in your walk, just...
783
00:38:16,208 --> 00:38:17,608
Kiss her like this.
784
00:38:17,610 --> 00:38:19,177
You know.
785
00:38:19,179 --> 00:38:20,845
But it's nice when
it first start off,
786
00:38:20,847 --> 00:38:22,046
when it first start off, man.
787
00:38:22,048 --> 00:38:24,816
Like to talk on the phone,
don't wanna hang up the phone.
788
00:38:24,818 --> 00:38:26,751
No, you hang up.
No, you hang up.
789
00:38:26,753 --> 00:38:28,418
Okay, on three, hang up.
790
00:38:28,420 --> 00:38:29,387
One, two, three.
791
00:38:29,389 --> 00:38:32,190
See you still on there,
you still on there.
792
00:38:32,192 --> 00:38:34,458
Shit, when it go bad you
be like, "Bitch, please."
793
00:38:34,460 --> 00:38:35,361
Click.
794
00:38:39,833 --> 00:38:42,200
Remember when it was good,
you were walkin', hold hands,
795
00:38:42,202 --> 00:38:43,800
and talk all that shit
you didn't wanna talk,
796
00:38:43,802 --> 00:38:46,137
'cause this your world, baby,
and we gonna be together
797
00:38:46,139 --> 00:38:48,106
a lifetime,
that's just what it's about.
798
00:38:48,108 --> 00:38:49,706
I'm lovin' you, girl.
I'm lovin' you.
799
00:38:49,708 --> 00:38:52,110
Like McDonald's, I'm lovin' you.
800
00:38:52,112 --> 00:38:53,110
That's beautiful.
801
00:38:53,112 --> 00:38:55,512
Shit, when it go bad you
be walkin', leavin' her.
802
00:38:55,514 --> 00:38:56,813
Come on!
803
00:38:56,815 --> 00:38:58,382
Come on, bring your ass up!
804
00:38:58,384 --> 00:38:59,684
Come on!
805
00:38:59,686 --> 00:39:00,851
You get on my fuckin' nerves.
806
00:39:00,853 --> 00:39:02,854
I told you my
fuckin' knees hurt.
807
00:39:02,856 --> 00:39:05,322
I told you to wear your
fuckin' knee brace.
808
00:39:05,324 --> 00:39:07,425
Told you to wear
your knee brace.
809
00:39:07,427 --> 00:39:10,661
I can't stand your ass, you
get on my fuckin' nerves.
810
00:39:10,663 --> 00:39:12,733
Can't stand your fuckin' ass.
811
00:39:15,135 --> 00:39:16,603
What happened when it was good?
812
00:39:17,503 --> 00:39:18,403
Remember when it was good?
813
00:39:18,405 --> 00:39:20,204
If your lady wanted
some new titties,
814
00:39:20,206 --> 00:39:22,173
you buy her some new
titties, hook her up.
815
00:39:22,175 --> 00:39:25,142
Shit when it go bad, you
ready take the titties back.
816
00:39:25,144 --> 00:39:26,677
Be rollin' up on her and shit.
817
00:39:26,679 --> 00:39:27,713
Poof, poof!
818
00:39:30,583 --> 00:39:32,416
Ah, he popped my titties!
819
00:39:32,418 --> 00:39:33,851
He popped my titties.
820
00:39:33,853 --> 00:39:35,552
He took his titties back.
821
00:39:35,554 --> 00:39:37,889
He took his titties back.
822
00:39:37,891 --> 00:39:40,827
He's a dirty motherfucker
and took his titties back.
823
00:39:42,327 --> 00:39:43,528
Took his titties back.
824
00:39:46,298 --> 00:39:48,865
Remember when it was good, you
could watch a movie together,
825
00:39:48,867 --> 00:39:50,668
just have a good time,
talk about the movie,
826
00:39:50,670 --> 00:39:51,836
have a good time.
827
00:39:51,838 --> 00:39:53,271
Hey, baby, you gonna love
this movie, I'm tellin' you.
828
00:39:53,273 --> 00:39:54,472
Watch it.
829
00:39:54,474 --> 00:39:55,840
I don't wanna tell you the
end, but you gonna love this.
830
00:39:55,842 --> 00:39:57,941
Watch it.
That's beautiful.
831
00:39:57,943 --> 00:40:00,411
And when it go bad you
be sittin' in silence,
832
00:40:00,413 --> 00:40:02,313
lookin' at each other when
the other one ain't lookin',
833
00:40:02,315 --> 00:40:03,483
thinkin' mean shit.
834
00:40:04,550 --> 00:40:06,550
She be lookin' at
your ass thinkin',
835
00:40:06,552 --> 00:40:08,654
if I could stab
this motherfucker...
836
00:40:10,255 --> 00:40:12,490
You be lookin' at her ass
when she ain't lookin'.
837
00:40:12,492 --> 00:40:14,458
My mama told me
about this bitch.
838
00:40:14,460 --> 00:40:15,760
[APPLAUSE]
839
00:40:15,762 --> 00:40:16,728
If I could choke her ass
840
00:40:16,730 --> 00:40:19,465
and they don't trace
it back to forensics!
841
00:40:23,635 --> 00:40:25,570
Remember when it was good,
your lady would come to bed
842
00:40:25,572 --> 00:40:27,938
in a nice little
negligee, nice teddy,
843
00:40:27,940 --> 00:40:30,740
somethin' to entice you so
you could get your fuck on.
844
00:40:30,742 --> 00:40:31,711
Shit.
845
00:40:32,679 --> 00:40:33,814
When it go bad, she come
to bed in thermals,
846
00:40:35,014 --> 00:40:39,583
smellin' like Noxzema, and get
in bed and tuck the covers
847
00:40:39,585 --> 00:40:43,421
up under her ass and start
spinnin' in that motherfucker
848
00:40:43,423 --> 00:40:46,289
'cause she don't want
you slippin' no dick in.
849
00:40:46,291 --> 00:40:47,624
Start spinnin'.
850
00:40:47,626 --> 00:40:50,293
I don't want him
slippin' no dick in.
851
00:40:50,295 --> 00:40:51,896
I don't want him.
852
00:40:51,898 --> 00:40:53,834
I don't want him.
853
00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:58,269
And lock, lookin' like
a fuckin' burrito.
854
00:40:58,271 --> 00:41:00,003
[LAUGHTER]
855
00:41:00,005 --> 00:41:02,542
You can't get no dick in
the top or the bottom.
856
00:41:03,476 --> 00:41:05,342
Well, fellas, you know
when we want that pussy
857
00:41:05,344 --> 00:41:06,244
we want it, right?
858
00:41:06,246 --> 00:41:07,845
They wanna play them
games, what we do?
859
00:41:07,847 --> 00:41:09,850
Go put that heat on 108.
860
00:41:11,451 --> 00:41:12,782
Get back in bed, watch the sweat
861
00:41:12,784 --> 00:41:14,985
bead up on her head and shit.
862
00:41:14,987 --> 00:41:17,521
By three o'clock she
comin' out the covers.
863
00:41:17,523 --> 00:41:19,557
By 3:15 she out the thermals.
864
00:41:19,559 --> 00:41:21,628
By 3:30 the dick is in.
865
00:41:24,998 --> 00:41:28,766
I am the wait-out man.
866
00:41:28,768 --> 00:41:31,505
You don't play
them games with me.
867
00:41:32,371 --> 00:41:33,503
We want it when we want it.
868
00:41:33,505 --> 00:41:34,905
They could have
cramps and everything.
869
00:41:34,907 --> 00:41:36,510
Well, how bad are the cramps?
870
00:41:39,478 --> 00:41:42,012
Shit they could be throwing up.
[RETCHES]
871
00:41:42,014 --> 00:41:44,315
Throw up that way, leave
the pussy down here.
872
00:41:44,317 --> 00:41:46,383
Throw up that way, leave
the pussy down here.
873
00:41:46,385 --> 00:41:47,286
Yeah.
874
00:41:48,987 --> 00:41:52,259
[LAUGHTER]
875
00:42:02,001 --> 00:42:02,903
Ah, man.
876
00:42:05,672 --> 00:42:09,773
If you in abusive,
violent relationship,
877
00:42:09,775 --> 00:42:11,374
- get outta that shit.
- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
878
00:42:11,376 --> 00:42:12,878
Some people laughin'
at that shit.
879
00:42:13,980 --> 00:42:15,849
I ain't heard nobody
laugh at this.
880
00:42:16,782 --> 00:42:18,684
Violent relationship...
[LAUGHS]
881
00:42:19,452 --> 00:42:21,955
Somebody gettin' their
ass beat... [LAUGHS]
882
00:42:24,891 --> 00:42:27,590
Hey, if you in one of them
relationship get out.
883
00:42:27,592 --> 00:42:29,360
I don't put my
hands on a woman.
884
00:42:29,362 --> 00:42:30,193
First.
885
00:42:30,195 --> 00:42:31,697
[LAUGHTER AND
SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
886
00:42:33,565 --> 00:42:36,534
Fuck that, you hit me,
I'm liable to hit you back.
887
00:42:36,536 --> 00:42:38,405
Bitch, what the
fuck wrong with you?
888
00:42:39,105 --> 00:42:40,873
You lost your fuckin' mind.
889
00:42:41,740 --> 00:42:43,509
Fuck is wrong with you?
890
00:42:48,014 --> 00:42:50,113
They tell you about all
the men that hit women,
891
00:42:50,115 --> 00:42:53,083
but they don't tell you about
women that are fuckin' men up.
892
00:42:53,085 --> 00:42:54,885
There are some women that
got treatin' men like,
893
00:42:54,887 --> 00:42:57,554
"Where your check at,
you punk-ass motherfucker?
894
00:42:57,556 --> 00:43:00,326
Where your check at,
you sucker-type ass?"
895
00:43:03,128 --> 00:43:05,128
You ever been arguin' with
your lady, you know she about
896
00:43:05,130 --> 00:43:08,532
to hit you 'cause she
pacin', her hand is movin',
897
00:43:08,534 --> 00:43:10,767
she like, "You's a
dirty motherfucker.
898
00:43:10,769 --> 00:43:13,371
I never trusted
your ass, you dirty..."
899
00:43:13,373 --> 00:43:14,637
And you, "Baby, go
ahead with that shit.
900
00:43:14,639 --> 00:43:15,972
Go ahead with that shit now."
901
00:43:15,974 --> 00:43:17,641
"You's a dirty... uh-uh."
902
00:43:17,643 --> 00:43:19,075
Start swingin' on you,
you start running'
903
00:43:19,077 --> 00:43:20,079
and, shit, you look
904
00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:23,813
at your wrist. What would
Jesus do? What would Jesus do?
905
00:43:23,815 --> 00:43:26,450
I'm sorry, Jesus, I gotta
hit this bitch back.
906
00:43:26,452 --> 00:43:27,888
Pow!
907
00:43:32,992 --> 00:43:35,829
[SIGHS]
908
00:43:36,528 --> 00:43:37,963
Hit her with the death punch.
909
00:43:39,097 --> 00:43:41,432
You ever been in a
relationship and you can't get
910
00:43:41,434 --> 00:43:44,438
your emotions under control,
you cryin' so much?
911
00:43:45,737 --> 00:43:49,606
[SOBS]
That's how bad it hurt you.
912
00:43:49,608 --> 00:43:53,746
[SOBS AND
YELLS INCOHERENTLY]
913
00:43:56,782 --> 00:43:58,682
You start askin' questions.
914
00:43:58,684 --> 00:44:01,584
What do you want from me?
915
00:44:01,586 --> 00:44:03,690
What do you want from me?
916
00:44:04,190 --> 00:44:05,889
I want you to get
the fuck out my face
917
00:44:05,891 --> 00:44:07,858
and leave me the fuck alone.
918
00:44:07,860 --> 00:44:09,363
[SOBS]
919
00:44:09,896 --> 00:44:11,598
You's a cold bitch.
920
00:44:12,197 --> 00:44:13,966
You's a cold bitch.
921
00:44:15,601 --> 00:44:16,503
[SIGHS]
922
00:44:20,572 --> 00:44:22,775
You don't care nothin'
about my feelings.
923
00:44:25,110 --> 00:44:27,845
Fellas, know a good thing
when you got a good thing.
924
00:44:27,847 --> 00:44:29,880
Good woman, know a good woman.
925
00:44:29,882 --> 00:44:32,615
Sometime we be plottin'
to get out of a good thing.
926
00:44:32,617 --> 00:44:33,883
We tellin' our boys,
I gotta get outta
927
00:44:33,885 --> 00:44:35,885
this relationship
dog, I gotta get out.
928
00:44:35,887 --> 00:44:37,822
Dog, what she do?
What she do? She a good girl.
929
00:44:37,824 --> 00:44:40,726
Aw, man, she be gettin' up all
early in the mornin' and shit.
930
00:44:42,228 --> 00:44:44,628
Cookin' and cleanin' and shit.
931
00:44:44,630 --> 00:44:46,499
Gotta get out, dog,
I gotta get out.
932
00:44:49,202 --> 00:44:50,934
Ladies, when they plot
to get out already,
933
00:44:50,936 --> 00:44:53,537
you know when they tired and
fed up they ready to get out,
934
00:44:53,539 --> 00:44:56,139
'cause it's all in their face,
their attitude, everything.
935
00:44:56,141 --> 00:44:59,011
They just look at you, they
just can't stand your ass.
936
00:45:00,612 --> 00:45:03,616
[LAUGHTER]
937
00:45:07,820 --> 00:45:09,789
Do you have to fuckin'
chew like that?
938
00:45:10,755 --> 00:45:12,956
Every fuckin' thing
annoys them, everything.
939
00:45:12,958 --> 00:45:16,163
[EXAGGERATED CHEWING NOISES]
Who the fuck chews like that?
940
00:45:18,597 --> 00:45:20,231
You have to fuckin'
breath like that?
941
00:45:20,233 --> 00:45:23,603
[EXAGGERATED BREATHING]
Who the fuck breathes like that?
942
00:45:26,639 --> 00:45:28,005
Be tellin'
their girlfriends on you.
943
00:45:28,007 --> 00:45:30,007
Girl, he ain't shit, girl.
944
00:45:30,009 --> 00:45:32,775
Girlfriend see you, be
actin' different towards you.
945
00:45:32,777 --> 00:45:34,580
Hi, how you doin'?
946
00:45:41,653 --> 00:45:43,987
She be tellin' her girlfriend,
"I gotta get out, girl."
947
00:45:43,989 --> 00:45:48,494
I'm with this fat-ass, sleep
annoying-ass motherfucker.
948
00:45:49,195 --> 00:45:51,561
And when you do that you
might as well get out,
949
00:45:51,563 --> 00:45:53,199
'cause we wind up
cheatin' on each other.
950
00:45:53,999 --> 00:45:55,266
And, man, we terrible cheaters.
951
00:45:55,268 --> 00:45:57,200
Women stop speakin'
to us for three days,
952
00:45:57,202 --> 00:45:58,471
we tell on ourself.
953
00:45:59,539 --> 00:46:02,840
Baby, you ain't said
nothin' to me in three days.
954
00:46:02,842 --> 00:46:05,878
All right, all right,
all right, all right, all right.
955
00:46:06,711 --> 00:46:08,215
I fucked your friend Thelma.
956
00:46:09,215 --> 00:46:10,217
And Louise.
957
00:46:11,817 --> 00:46:13,617
'Cause what do we do
right before we cheat.
958
00:46:13,619 --> 00:46:15,255
We ain't been doin'
it no other time.
959
00:46:15,954 --> 00:46:17,153
We call.
960
00:46:17,155 --> 00:46:19,923
Ain't called no other time,
but this time we wanna call.
961
00:46:19,925 --> 00:46:23,026
Hey, baby! Hey baby! What's
happenin'? What's happenin'?
962
00:46:23,028 --> 00:46:26,095
Yeah, just callin',
checkin' on you, that's all.
963
00:46:26,097 --> 00:46:28,534
[SLURRING]
964
00:46:32,038 --> 00:46:34,572
Yeah, you still
wanna go to Hawaii?
965
00:46:34,574 --> 00:46:35,572
You still thinkin' 'bout that?
966
00:46:35,574 --> 00:46:37,240
Yeah, I'm thinkin' about
takin' you to Hawaii.
967
00:46:37,242 --> 00:46:39,242
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, that's right.
968
00:46:39,244 --> 00:46:40,209
All right.
969
00:46:40,211 --> 00:46:41,244
Okay.
970
00:46:41,246 --> 00:46:42,912
All right, all right.
971
00:46:42,914 --> 00:46:46,585
Lemme ask you a question,
you all the way across town?
972
00:46:47,719 --> 00:46:50,019
'Bout 30, 40 minutes away?
973
00:46:50,021 --> 00:46:52,322
Couldn't possibly get
here in 20 minutes?
974
00:46:52,324 --> 00:46:54,258
Okay, well don't call back,
okay? 'Cause I'm gonna be
975
00:46:54,260 --> 00:46:56,997
in the studio with
Ne-Yo and Rock Hound.
976
00:47:01,733 --> 00:47:03,766
Shit, if women wanna
get dick on the side
977
00:47:03,768 --> 00:47:04,967
they gonna get dick on side.
978
00:47:04,969 --> 00:47:07,737
Ain't nothin' you can do, they
just get proactive on you.
979
00:47:07,739 --> 00:47:10,106
They be tellin' you
shit like, "Ah, tomorrow,
980
00:47:10,108 --> 00:47:13,376
if you was thinkin' about
askin' for some pussy, don't."
981
00:47:13,378 --> 00:47:15,646
[LAUGHTER]
982
00:47:15,648 --> 00:47:17,249
"Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna
have a headache."
983
00:47:19,885 --> 00:47:22,286
You be tryin' to negotiate
with 'em and shit.
984
00:47:22,288 --> 00:47:24,021
If I bring you some crab legs,
985
00:47:24,023 --> 00:47:25,224
you think I could get a smell?
986
00:47:26,791 --> 00:47:30,360
Get you a smell and leave them
crab legs on the table and shit.
987
00:47:30,362 --> 00:47:32,695
Women just tell you
they need some "me" time.
988
00:47:32,697 --> 00:47:35,264
Tell you they gonna get a
manicure and a pedicure.
989
00:47:35,266 --> 00:47:36,633
Be gone all day, come back,
990
00:47:36,635 --> 00:47:38,204
that shit don't
even be polished on.
991
00:47:39,038 --> 00:47:41,137
Be spray painted on and shit.
992
00:47:41,139 --> 00:47:43,706
They walk into the room with
"I just got some dick" walk.
993
00:47:43,708 --> 00:47:45,242
Good night.
994
00:47:45,244 --> 00:47:47,646
And the heater is broke, bitch.
995
00:47:50,016 --> 00:47:51,882
'Cause if a lady cheat
on you, you never know
996
00:47:51,884 --> 00:47:54,017
that package been open, you
never know, 'cause they know
997
00:47:54,019 --> 00:47:55,818
how to put it back
in a cuddle ball
998
00:47:55,820 --> 00:47:57,054
and steam it back together.
999
00:47:57,056 --> 00:48:00,190
They know how to iron the lips
on the motherfucker and shit
1000
00:48:00,192 --> 00:48:01,925
and get all the
information outta
1001
00:48:01,927 --> 00:48:03,327
the motherfuckin'
lips and all that.
1002
00:48:03,329 --> 00:48:06,166
[IMITATES AN IRON STEAMING]
1003
00:48:12,672 --> 00:48:14,807
Just put that motherfucker
back together.
1004
00:48:16,141 --> 00:48:17,941
And, fellas, if you
cheat on your lady,
1005
00:48:17,943 --> 00:48:20,309
be careful 'cause
she'll smell your dick.
1006
00:48:20,311 --> 00:48:22,246
I don't wanna give you head
no other time, but now that
1007
00:48:22,248 --> 00:48:24,247
she wanna give you head, head,
1008
00:48:24,249 --> 00:48:25,816
and then she down there
smellin' your dick.
1009
00:48:25,818 --> 00:48:26,983
And she'll ask you,
1010
00:48:26,985 --> 00:48:29,353
why do you
smell like you got fresh balls?
1011
00:48:29,355 --> 00:48:32,722
You been gone all day,
you should have musky balls.
1012
00:48:32,724 --> 00:48:36,929
You should have a tangy,
salty, musky ball smell.
1013
00:48:39,465 --> 00:48:41,201
You been cheatin' on me.
1014
00:48:42,300 --> 00:48:44,367
And they bitin' dicks off
and they cuttin' dicks off.
1015
00:48:44,369 --> 00:48:46,336
They teachin' ladies
how to just bite 'em,
1016
00:48:46,338 --> 00:48:50,039
just clamp and snatch your
dick off and leave you there.
1017
00:48:50,041 --> 00:48:52,978
[GROANING]
1018
00:48:53,913 --> 00:48:55,479
Fuck that.
I love my dick too much.
1019
00:48:55,481 --> 00:48:57,113
I shouldn't have to
sleep in a jockey cup
1020
00:48:57,115 --> 00:48:59,048
every time I get in an argument.
1021
00:48:59,050 --> 00:49:00,983
Love sex.
Where all my sex lovers at?
1022
00:49:00,985 --> 00:49:02,186
Sex lovers.
1023
00:49:02,188 --> 00:49:03,820
[CHEERING]
1024
00:49:03,822 --> 00:49:06,789
Yeah, we're adults, we can
talk sex, we admit that shit.
1025
00:49:06,791 --> 00:49:08,827
Love sex.
I wish I was fuckin' right now.
1026
00:49:09,829 --> 00:49:11,994
Shit, that's what I love
to do in my spare time.
1027
00:49:11,996 --> 00:49:15,766
I just do this shit,
be playin' and shit.
1028
00:49:15,768 --> 00:49:18,371
Just tryin' to move, just...
1029
00:49:24,976 --> 00:49:26,413
I be tryin' shit.
1030
00:49:27,112 --> 00:49:30,780
Had a friend of mine gonna
tell me he was a sex addict.
1031
00:49:30,782 --> 00:49:32,215
What the fuck is a sex addict?
1032
00:49:32,217 --> 00:49:34,418
If you get a lot of pussy,
you a sex addict?
1033
00:49:34,420 --> 00:49:35,954
I ain't goin' to rehab.
1034
00:49:37,289 --> 00:49:38,755
What the fuck is a sex addict?
1035
00:49:38,757 --> 00:49:40,423
Do you just be walkin',
"Hi, how you doin'?
1036
00:49:40,425 --> 00:49:44,161
Ah! Somebody get me some pussy!
Somebody get me some pussy!
1037
00:49:44,163 --> 00:49:47,231
I'm a sex addict. I gotta
have it, I'm a sex addict.
1038
00:49:47,233 --> 00:49:48,401
I gotta have it.
1039
00:49:49,902 --> 00:49:52,903
Oh, there it go again,
there it go again.
1040
00:49:52,905 --> 00:49:54,804
I'm an addict, I'm an addict.
1041
00:49:54,806 --> 00:49:57,443
I gotta have it,
I gotta have it."
1042
00:49:58,911 --> 00:50:00,778
The fuck is a sex addict?
1043
00:50:00,780 --> 00:50:02,845
Love sex. Love sex.
1044
00:50:02,847 --> 00:50:05,349
Love that soundtrack you
ladies give during sex.
1045
00:50:05,351 --> 00:50:06,318
Love that soundtrack.
1046
00:50:07,320 --> 00:50:08,918
Y'all give it up, too.
Ya'll give it up, too.
1047
00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:10,756
[MOANS]
1048
00:50:16,061 --> 00:50:18,862
Baby! Baby!
1049
00:50:18,864 --> 00:50:20,063
[MOANS]
1050
00:50:20,065 --> 00:50:22,202
You're killin' it,
you're killin' it.
1051
00:50:23,902 --> 00:50:25,068
That make you fuck harder.
1052
00:50:25,070 --> 00:50:27,371
I'm killin' it, I'm killin',
I'm killin'!
1053
00:50:27,373 --> 00:50:30,376
[LAUGHTER]
1054
00:50:32,177 --> 00:50:34,077
I love that soundtrack.
1055
00:50:34,079 --> 00:50:36,046
Some ladies give
too much soundtrack.
1056
00:50:36,048 --> 00:50:38,514
[YELLS]
Shut the fuck up.
1057
00:50:38,516 --> 00:50:40,117
[LAUGHTER]
1058
00:50:40,119 --> 00:50:41,521
You gonna make my dick go down.
1059
00:50:43,021 --> 00:50:45,889
Some like to make you solve
math problems and shit.
1060
00:50:45,891 --> 00:50:47,958
"What's two plus two?" "Four."
1061
00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:50,092
"What's four plus four?"
"Eight."
1062
00:50:50,094 --> 00:50:52,595
"25 plus 35."
That's when you cum.
1063
00:50:52,597 --> 00:50:55,298
[SIGHS]
I'm sorry, I only got a GED.
1064
00:50:55,300 --> 00:50:57,034
[LAUGHTER]
1065
00:50:57,036 --> 00:51:00,005
Yeah, I can't count that far.
Can't count.
1066
00:51:03,242 --> 00:51:05,374
But I give that soundtrack
back, I give it back.
1067
00:51:05,376 --> 00:51:07,577
I'll talk to 'em,
I'll talk to 'em.
1068
00:51:07,579 --> 00:51:09,112
Shit.
1069
00:51:09,114 --> 00:51:10,347
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
1070
00:51:10,349 --> 00:51:11,985
This motherfucker here.
1071
00:51:13,284 --> 00:51:15,985
This motherfucker here.
1072
00:51:15,987 --> 00:51:17,253
Shit!
1073
00:51:17,255 --> 00:51:20,356
Oh, that's some good...
Oh, that's some good.
1074
00:51:20,358 --> 00:51:22,124
Okay, tell you...
1075
00:51:22,126 --> 00:51:24,293
Put your motherfuckin'
leg in there.
1076
00:51:24,295 --> 00:51:26,530
Put your motherfuckin'
leg over on it.
1077
00:51:26,532 --> 00:51:27,497
Put your head in the...
1078
00:51:27,499 --> 00:51:31,101
Put your head in the
motherfuckin' pillow.
1079
00:51:31,103 --> 00:51:33,637
[CHEERING]
1080
00:51:33,639 --> 00:51:37,143
Give that shit up.
I give it back, give it back.
1081
00:51:39,445 --> 00:51:43,012
Ladies, I got some bad
news I'll share with ya.
1082
00:51:43,014 --> 00:51:44,548
I might as well just tell ya.
1083
00:51:44,550 --> 00:51:46,416
I'm not good at lickin' pussy.
1084
00:51:46,418 --> 00:51:47,387
[LAUGHTER AND HECKLING]
1085
00:51:48,554 --> 00:51:51,021
I know, I know, I know, go
ahead get it out, blame me.
1086
00:51:51,023 --> 00:51:53,122
I know, I'm terrible, terrible.
1087
00:51:53,124 --> 00:51:57,094
I try to be good, you
know, I try on the clit.
1088
00:51:57,096 --> 00:51:58,431
I try the fast tongue.
1089
00:51:59,898 --> 00:52:00,599
You know...
1090
00:52:01,599 --> 00:52:02,965
I can't get that shit,
1091
00:52:02,967 --> 00:52:04,971
and I lick it like
I'm lickin' ice cream.
1092
00:52:06,137 --> 00:52:09,106
And I lick it with my eyes
closed and that's not good,
1093
00:52:09,108 --> 00:52:10,539
'cause sometimes
you go down too far,
1094
00:52:10,541 --> 00:52:11,944
catch somethin' on your tongue.
1095
00:52:13,913 --> 00:52:15,048
What the fuck?
1096
00:52:17,282 --> 00:52:18,581
Fuck was that?
1097
00:52:18,583 --> 00:52:21,954
Like a spore marshmallow.
What the fuck was that?
1098
00:52:24,590 --> 00:52:28,228
Like a burnt black pistachio.
What the fuck is...?
1099
00:52:29,460 --> 00:52:31,230
What the fuck is that shit?
1100
00:52:32,563 --> 00:52:34,266
So I don't do that shit no more.
1101
00:52:35,067 --> 00:52:37,103
I don't lick no pussy no more.
1102
00:52:38,436 --> 00:52:41,371
Ladies, I love that head
y'all give, what they call
1103
00:52:41,373 --> 00:52:43,974
fellatio, love when
you all give it.
1104
00:52:43,976 --> 00:52:45,041
There's some out there that know
1105
00:52:45,043 --> 00:52:46,642
how to give it good,
give it right.
1106
00:52:46,644 --> 00:52:48,077
Some don't know how to do.
1107
00:52:48,079 --> 00:52:49,211
They cuttin' you
all the fuck up.
1108
00:52:49,213 --> 00:52:51,213
[EXCLAIMS IN PAIN]
1109
00:52:51,215 --> 00:52:52,648
But the one's that know
how to do that shit,
1110
00:52:52,650 --> 00:52:54,019
that look you in the eye.
1111
00:53:00,059 --> 00:53:03,226
You get all shy and shit.
What you lookin' at me for?
1112
00:53:03,228 --> 00:53:06,199
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
1113
00:53:07,666 --> 00:53:10,370
♪ If you really love me ♪
1114
00:53:11,103 --> 00:53:13,039
♪ Won't you tell me ♪
1115
00:53:15,541 --> 00:53:18,175
Let's talk pussies,
let's talk pussies.
1116
00:53:18,177 --> 00:53:19,278
Love pussy.
1117
00:53:20,244 --> 00:53:22,382
Been around pussy for 50 years.
1118
00:53:23,114 --> 00:53:26,215
Love pussy. Just don't like
no dry pussy, ugh!
1119
00:53:26,217 --> 00:53:28,751
Some got it bad too,
thing so dry.
1120
00:53:28,753 --> 00:53:30,554
You sittin' on it right now.
You sittin' on it, too.
1121
00:53:30,556 --> 00:53:32,191
You know who you are.
1122
00:53:32,992 --> 00:53:36,028
That thing is like Ajax.
That shit is like Ajax.
1123
00:53:39,331 --> 00:53:40,563
You be in a motherfucker,
1124
00:53:40,565 --> 00:53:42,766
it be cuttin' you
all up and shit.
1125
00:53:42,768 --> 00:53:44,434
When you finish you
gotta sit on the end
1126
00:53:44,436 --> 00:53:47,104
of the bed puttin'
Neosporin on your shit.
1127
00:53:47,106 --> 00:53:50,539
[LAUGHTER]
1128
00:53:50,541 --> 00:53:53,309
I don't like no... I don't like
no stinky pussy, either.
1129
00:53:53,311 --> 00:53:55,345
Can't stand no stinky pussy.
1130
00:53:55,347 --> 00:53:56,579
Pussy smell so bad it smell like
1131
00:53:56,581 --> 00:53:59,117
it should have a name
called yaki mandu.
1132
00:54:00,351 --> 00:54:03,355
I could deal with the
yaki, but that mandu.
1133
00:54:04,623 --> 00:54:06,789
When you in there with that
yaki, you just be in there
1134
00:54:06,791 --> 00:54:10,360
with that yaki. "Okay, that
ain't nothin' but a little yaki,
1135
00:54:10,362 --> 00:54:14,264
that ain't nothing
but a little yaki.
1136
00:54:14,266 --> 00:54:17,501
Uh oh! Uh oh! There go that
mandu! There go that mandu!
1137
00:54:17,503 --> 00:54:19,372
Abort, abort, abort!"
1138
00:54:23,442 --> 00:54:25,708
I let a lady know when that
shit ain't smellin' right.
1139
00:54:25,710 --> 00:54:29,345
Smell that, smell that.
This shit, that's you.
1140
00:54:29,347 --> 00:54:31,516
I ain't been nowhere
all day, that's you.
1141
00:54:33,152 --> 00:54:35,188
Yaki mandu.
1142
00:54:41,226 --> 00:54:43,392
I like ladies that know how
to take care of that thing,
1143
00:54:43,394 --> 00:54:46,463
keep it clean like
fresh runnin' water.
1144
00:54:46,465 --> 00:54:47,664
Make that thing look
good, too. Make it look
1145
00:54:47,666 --> 00:54:51,467
like a lobster with butter
comin' down the motherfucker.
1146
00:54:51,469 --> 00:54:53,038
Just succulent, man.
1147
00:54:54,106 --> 00:54:56,606
I find ladies don't
like no stinky dicks,
1148
00:54:56,608 --> 00:54:58,340
and, fellas, we don't know
our dick stinks sometimes
1149
00:54:58,342 --> 00:55:00,309
'cause our head is back
when they given us head
1150
00:55:00,311 --> 00:55:01,811
we don't know but they
be down there like this.
1151
00:55:01,813 --> 00:55:04,216
"Damn! This nigga dick stink!"
1152
00:55:05,717 --> 00:55:08,554
And sometime they catch a
ass breeze that go with it.
1153
00:55:20,264 --> 00:55:22,402
[GAGS]
1154
00:55:26,804 --> 00:55:28,140
Serious with it.
1155
00:55:29,108 --> 00:55:30,309
Serious.
1156
00:55:30,809 --> 00:55:32,876
Back to pussies.
Back to pussies.
1157
00:55:32,878 --> 00:55:35,211
I don't like them deep pussies.
1158
00:55:35,213 --> 00:55:36,612
I'm talkin' 'bout pussy so deep
1159
00:55:36,614 --> 00:55:38,548
Jacques Cousteau
wouldn't go there.
1160
00:55:38,550 --> 00:55:40,117
And you have up in
the motherfucker,
1161
00:55:40,119 --> 00:55:41,351
you in it, you in it,
1162
00:55:41,353 --> 00:55:43,686
and she say deeper.
Deeper?
1163
00:55:43,688 --> 00:55:46,590
I already got my ass bone
in the motherfucker!
1164
00:55:46,592 --> 00:55:48,825
How fuckin' deep
can I fuckin' go?
1165
00:55:48,827 --> 00:55:50,760
You wind up puttin' your
leg in the motherfucker
1166
00:55:50,762 --> 00:55:54,567
with this, go deeper now
with this, go deeper now.
1167
00:55:56,702 --> 00:55:59,235
I don't like them
beat-up pussies, man.
1168
00:55:59,237 --> 00:56:01,673
Pussies look so bad look
like they got a black eye.
1169
00:56:02,440 --> 00:56:03,773
And the lips on
the motherfucker
1170
00:56:03,775 --> 00:56:06,543
just hangin' on 'em like this.
1171
00:56:06,545 --> 00:56:09,715
Hangin', pussy look exhausted,
just... [EXHALES]
1172
00:56:10,681 --> 00:56:13,717
Look like when you pull a
string out a turtleneck
1173
00:56:13,719 --> 00:56:17,387
and the turtleneck drop,
and motherfuck just humph.
1174
00:56:17,389 --> 00:56:21,458
You start cryin' and shit.
Who did this to you?
1175
00:56:21,460 --> 00:56:22,862
Who did this to you?
1176
00:56:24,663 --> 00:56:27,699
I'm callin' 911,
I'm callin' 911.
1177
00:56:28,833 --> 00:56:31,333
Yeah,
I wanna report an emergency.
1178
00:56:31,335 --> 00:56:33,670
Somebody beat it up real bad.
1179
00:56:33,672 --> 00:56:35,108
Yeah, real bad.
1180
00:56:36,440 --> 00:56:37,809
And where my squirters at?
1181
00:56:38,510 --> 00:56:39,479
Love them squirters.
1182
00:56:40,579 --> 00:56:41,610
Boy, you don't know if they
came or pissed on you.
1183
00:56:41,612 --> 00:56:42,878
[LAUGHTER]
1184
00:56:42,880 --> 00:56:45,851
All I know is they don't have
to go the bathroom afterward.
1185
00:56:46,684 --> 00:56:49,318
You prepare for a squirter, you
know a squirter comin' over,
1186
00:56:49,320 --> 00:56:52,621
you put plastic on your pillows,
on your sheets and shit.
1187
00:56:52,623 --> 00:56:55,325
Feel like your balls is
goin' through a car wash.
1188
00:56:55,327 --> 00:56:58,695
[IMITATES VIBRATIONS]
1189
00:56:58,697 --> 00:57:01,497
And I found ladies love
to get that ass spanked,
1190
00:57:01,499 --> 00:57:02,865
they love to get
that ass popped,
1191
00:57:02,867 --> 00:57:05,467
they just don't like to be
surprised with that shit.
1192
00:57:05,469 --> 00:57:07,537
You can't just be fuckin'
and just hit 'em, pow.
1193
00:57:07,539 --> 00:57:09,673
What the fuck is wrong with you?
1194
00:57:09,675 --> 00:57:12,309
You lost your fuckin' mind?
You don't be hittin' on me.
1195
00:57:12,311 --> 00:57:13,177
I get their permission.
1196
00:57:13,179 --> 00:57:14,411
Miss Lady,
I'm gonna spank that ass,
1197
00:57:14,413 --> 00:57:15,481
I'm gonna pop that ass.
1198
00:57:16,681 --> 00:57:17,914
'Cause I asked nicely, you
can pop it, you can spank it.
1199
00:57:17,916 --> 00:57:20,217
I let her know, okay, I gotta
couple different pops, okay?
1200
00:57:20,219 --> 00:57:22,918
Pick a pop and tell me which
pop you like to your liking.
1201
00:57:22,920 --> 00:57:25,921
Pick a pop and tell me which pop
you want to your your liking.
1202
00:57:25,923 --> 00:57:28,525
Okay, I got one pop where I,
pow, hit you real quick,
1203
00:57:28,527 --> 00:57:30,427
give you a little sizzle,
a little sting.
1204
00:57:30,429 --> 00:57:32,229
Pow, a little
sizzle, little sting.
1205
00:57:32,231 --> 00:57:35,432
Or I got one where I go shoulder
limp, pow, and I'll plow
1206
00:57:35,434 --> 00:57:38,434
you into the pillow or plow
you into the bed pole, pow.
1207
00:57:38,436 --> 00:57:40,172
Or I can hit you with the chair.
1208
00:57:41,606 --> 00:57:43,372
You want the chair?
1209
00:57:43,374 --> 00:57:44,641
Well, can you sign
right here and say
1210
00:57:44,643 --> 00:57:46,376
I got permission to
hit you with a chair?
1211
00:57:46,378 --> 00:57:48,711
'Cause I'm gonna lay
your fuckin' ass out.
1212
00:57:48,713 --> 00:57:51,717
LA, much love y'all, much love.
1213
00:58:28,719 --> 00:58:31,287
If I could send one
message to my fans,
1214
00:58:31,289 --> 00:58:33,456
it most definitely
would be thank you.
1215
00:58:33,458 --> 00:58:36,659
It most definitely be
thank you for... to them
1216
00:58:36,661 --> 00:58:40,429
for, over the years, just all
the love and the support.
1217
00:58:40,431 --> 00:58:43,066
And I know without them,
I would not be here.
1218
00:58:43,068 --> 00:58:44,336
Martin!
1219
00:58:45,369 --> 00:58:46,336
Really enjoyed it.
1220
00:58:46,338 --> 00:58:47,403
I think my favorite
joke when he was talkin'
1221
00:58:47,405 --> 00:58:49,938
about the White House
when he met the President.
1222
00:58:49,940 --> 00:58:52,577
When Michelle said, "Marty Mar!"
1223
00:58:53,344 --> 00:58:55,814
MARTIN: I'm not
savin' the world. [LAUGHS]
1224
00:58:56,581 --> 00:58:59,349
But I'm just tryin'
to make you laugh.
1225
00:58:59,351 --> 00:59:02,555
The three taps on the ass,
that's my favorite.
1226
00:59:04,356 --> 00:59:05,858
The best was the Ajax.
1227
00:59:07,059 --> 00:59:08,425
I have a headache right now.
1228
00:59:08,427 --> 00:59:11,528
MARTIN: I love it when I change
their whole mindset of,
1229
00:59:11,530 --> 00:59:17,733
if they come in the show and
they, "Oh, let me see what
1230
00:59:17,735 --> 00:59:20,003
this motherfucker got
for us tonight," you know?
1231
00:59:20,005 --> 00:59:22,871
I love changing that whole
attitude and seein' 'em
1232
00:59:22,873 --> 00:59:25,474
by time the ending of the
night, they're like this,
1233
00:59:25,476 --> 00:59:28,677
or they're like, "Oh, he's
crazy, he's so crazy."
1234
00:59:28,679 --> 00:59:30,880
I love that,
it's all worthwhile.
1235
00:59:30,882 --> 00:59:32,749
Everything, everything,
from beginning to end.
1236
00:59:32,751 --> 00:59:34,050
It was funny, everything.
1237
00:59:34,052 --> 00:59:36,086
Love you, Marty Mar!
1238
00:59:36,088 --> 00:59:38,054
We love you,
come to support you.
1239
00:59:38,056 --> 00:59:40,757
Personally, from
me to you, to y'all,
1240
00:59:40,759 --> 00:59:45,394
thank you so, so, so, very
much, and I appreciate you.
1241
00:59:45,396 --> 00:59:46,298
God bless.
1242
00:59:50,101 --> 00:59:53,470
What up, Marty Mar?
You still my OG, baby.
1243
00:59:53,472 --> 00:59:56,372
I'm glad to see you back
out there doin' your thing.
1244
00:59:56,374 --> 00:59:58,941
Comedy needed you,
we needed you.
1245
00:59:58,943 --> 01:00:02,979
I'm glad you still one of
my greatest comic heroes.
1246
01:00:02,981 --> 01:00:07,550
You, Eddie, Richard,
George Carlin, Jackie Gleason.
1247
01:00:07,552 --> 01:00:09,686
I tried to see him during
a movie I'm doing with him.
1248
01:00:09,688 --> 01:00:11,954
I know he recognized me,
he invited me to dinner,
1249
01:00:11,956 --> 01:00:13,923
but I didn't tell him
exactly what time.
1250
01:00:13,925 --> 01:00:16,458
I stopped by
his trailer complex,
1251
01:00:16,460 --> 01:00:18,061
and Larry, who knows me,
1252
01:00:18,063 --> 01:00:19,862
we're buddies,
he looked right at me,
1253
01:00:19,864 --> 01:00:21,563
he sees me all during the day,
1254
01:00:21,565 --> 01:00:24,736
sees me at night in the
wrong area. He says to me,
1255
01:00:25,704 --> 01:00:26,772
"Are you lost?"
1256
01:00:27,873 --> 01:00:31,010
"No, I was here to
see Mr. Lawrence."
1257
01:00:31,777 --> 01:00:34,110
Which is what he likes
to be referred to.
1258
01:00:34,112 --> 01:00:36,146
Martin Lawrence, let me
tell you somethin' man,
1259
01:00:36,148 --> 01:00:37,813
you my OG, man.
1260
01:00:37,815 --> 01:00:39,715
You put me on the game, man.
1261
01:00:39,717 --> 01:00:42,184
And the favorite moment of
Martin Lawrence is when you
1262
01:00:42,186 --> 01:00:48,393
played, "I said Jerome in the
house, I say ah, ah, ah, ah!"
1263
01:00:54,065 --> 01:00:59,068
Martin Lawrence is a great
actor, he's a great friend,
1264
01:00:59,070 --> 01:01:02,438
he's a great comedian,
and I think the reason
1265
01:01:02,440 --> 01:01:05,842
that he is great is
because he's so generous.
1266
01:01:05,844 --> 01:01:09,112
He always has room for
someone else to be funny.
1267
01:01:09,114 --> 01:01:12,749
Oh, I went back, man. Don't
do me like that, Marty Mar!
1268
01:01:12,751 --> 01:01:14,684
I'm out here to support, man.
1269
01:01:14,686 --> 01:01:16,853
It's the legendary
Martin Lawrence, man.
1270
01:01:16,855 --> 01:01:19,621
You know, I always said
to myself as a kid,
1271
01:01:19,623 --> 01:01:22,858
"The moment I get a chance
to go to a live concert,
1272
01:01:22,860 --> 01:01:25,998
I will be doing that," since
I was seven, six years old.
1273
01:01:26,965 --> 01:01:29,566
So the time has arrived,
you know what I'm sayin'?
1274
01:01:29,568 --> 01:01:32,601
I'm out here in LA,
he's back doin' his thing.
1275
01:01:32,603 --> 01:01:34,537
One of the greatest,
you feel me?
1276
01:01:34,539 --> 01:01:37,673
You've always been funny.
You've always been a cool dude.
1277
01:01:37,675 --> 01:01:39,943
Even though you cheat at
basketball, but that's cool.
1278
01:01:39,945 --> 01:01:41,110
I still love you, man.
1279
01:01:41,112 --> 01:01:43,713
And I can't wait
what you gonna do
1280
01:01:43,715 --> 01:01:46,215
for the next 25, 30 years, man.
1281
01:01:46,217 --> 01:01:48,784
We in your corner.
We love you.
1282
01:01:48,786 --> 01:01:51,753
Stay funny.
Hey, man, and stay my friend.
1283
01:01:51,755 --> 01:01:53,525
Yo, Martin, we love you, man.
1284
01:01:53,891 --> 01:01:56,895
♪
98088
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