All language subtitles for Leverage s04e12 The Office Job

Hey! Hal.

F'leesh.

Head of HR,
calling me in to see her --

awfully formal.

Oh, wait, did I already miss
the brownies you brought in?

Hal...

Something's come up. I--

This just isn't fair.

Are you kidding me?

Bartley is driving this place
into the ground!

Company I spent my life
building up!

Can't even do
his own dirty work, can he?

I give him six months before
he asks me to fire myself.

- Bartley!
- Hal?

You and I both know
why this is happening now!

- Get out here!
- What's going on?

Get out here
and tell me to my face!

- Bartley! Hey! Let go of me!
- All right, that's enough.

Bartley!

Enter your fantasy football
pick in two minutes.

You think
he's embezzling?

It's all
I can come up with.

I found some irregularities
in the company books,

mentioned the discrepancies
to Bartley privately,

and I'm let go
within a week.

Not exactly the work
of a criminal mastermind.

Mr. Ford...

I helped Fred Bartley's father
and grandfather

build good share cards
off from a store front

on Grand Avenue
in Montvale, Mass.,

to be the best independent brand
in the region.

Okay, so, I get it --
you want to be part

of the payday when Heartfelt
comes in and buys them out.

It shouldn't be too hard.

Maybe I came
to the wrong place.

What do you mean?

This is about
the company, Mr. Ford,

and the whole town --
not me.

Fred Bartley, the CEO,
has Good Cheer in a tailspin.

Company keeps going
the way he's taking it,

a year from now,
Montvale's a ghost town.

This Heartfelt buyout...

That could save us.

You've come
to the right place.

Hey, guys,
I got bad news and bad news,

so I'll start
with the bad news.

Good Cheer was already
a sinking ship,

having nothing to do with
the CEO's embezzlement.

I mean,
it's certainly not helping,

but one division fails after
the other like clockwork.

Y--

you know that was mine.

- Oh, I thought you got it for me.
- Oh, really?

Yeah. What, I can't enjoy
an orange soda?

- No, you can't.
- Huh?

Don't think I don't see
what you're doing.

- What is he doing?
- Shut up.

- This make us even now?
- Okay, guys, guys.

The town of
Montvale, Massachusetts --

built upon the success

of Good Cheer Greeting Card
Company.

Everything from the offices
to their printing operation,

warehouse, shipping -- they
are the local economy.

So basically it's a mill town.
Yeah, so --

yeah, except this mill has a
good chance of being bought out

by Heartfelt cards at the end
of the week,

which is a great win
for Good Cheer.

Yeah, as long
as this embezzlement scam

- doesn't get in the way.
- Yeah.

Now, the CEO,
Fred Bartley,

is a washed-up
quarterback,

grandson
of Good Cheer's founder.

He was a blue-chip ballplayer
until he injured his back.

Let's run the wicked stepsister.
It's perfect.

No, t-that's way too involved,
Sophie. No, no.

No, I'm thinking about
something simpler, actually.

For us to maybe, uh...

- What is -- what are you --
- What? Nothing.

This guy's buying up a bunch of
expensive office equipment, supplies.

The thing is,
it never gets dropped off.

Or it costs much less
than it says on the books.

Bartley has got to be pocketing
the difference.

All right, the thing
about it is, Heartfelt --

they thrive on their
sparkling good, clean image.

So if we can expose
the CEO of Good Cheer

before Good Cheer
does their presentation

for Heartfelt on Friday,

then that still gives them
enough cover

to go ahead with the buyout,
doesn't it?

Yeah, Heartfelt pulls Good Cheer
into their warm embrace...

Saving a town
and a company.

All right.
High-five from around.

My damn soda.

Okay, Sophie, you and Parker
are gonna entertain them all

while Eliot and Hardison
get the evidence we need.

- Um...
- Oh.

Hello! Yes.
Hi. I am --

Oh, hey, don't mind her.
Don't mind her, Mr. Meeker.

No, we've just never hired
a-an efficiency team before.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

But your bid
was, uh, so much lower

than all
the other consultants'.

Yeah, well, I mean, it's
really nothing to work with.

Kind of goes with the territory,
uh, Mr. Bartley.

Yeah, no, my associates and I,
we're just here

simply to survey
your operative infrastructure

and shake up
the creative process

and fortify the IT.
And --

and then we'll, uh,
determine and strengthen

and streamline
your vertical fluidity,

you know, from the top down
and the bottom up,

and then
we're good to go.

Cool. Cool.

Like the scrimmage
before a big game.

Ha ha!
Yeah, if that helps you.

- Okay, let's go to work, guys.
- Cool.

- So...
- Uh-huh.

If you could show us
around a little bit.

Okay, so, we'll just, uh,
we'll roll off a couple copies

of your paperwork here.

I'm sorry, Mr. Bartley.
The copier is still broken.

Oh, not a good start.

Joe Meeker of
Meeker Efficiency Consulting.

Felicia from HR.

Would you excuse me?
Could we...?

- Sure. No. Yeah.
- It's a solid copier, Mr. Meeker.

You should have told me about having an
efficiency team here this week.

I mean, you asked me to set up
a shared calendar.

What a week for you to decide
not to check it.

Felicia, do you have
any of those brownies?

Look, I just --
I just want to put

our best team on the field
for the Heartfelt meeting.

I-I'm not sure what
the problem is with that.

The documentary-film crew
is here this week.

I love this visual metaphor.

Water leeches out...

spiraling down.

It's a dream.

Like dreams.

Hey, there. Joe Meeker.

Meeker Efficiency Consulting.
Who are you?

Noted German documentary
filmmaker Gunter Hanzig.

You have seen my films.

Who hasn't?

"Christmas, Incorporated"...

"Dairy Of A Snow Leopard."
Mm-ha.

Maybe that's "Diary."
"Diary Of A Snow Leopard."

Ahhhhhh. You like it?

Well, honor to meet you.

- Ah, this latest...
- Ooh.

masterpiece of mine

is a documentary about
American small businesses --

you know, the oil
that lubricates

the capitalist engine.

You're doing a documentary
about Good Cheer?

What better metaphor
for the modern society

than a company
that sells joy

struggling to survive?

It's just like the water...

in the coo-ler.

I'm nowhere,
I'm everywhere.

I'm just a tourist

in the harsh reality of...

Good Cheer.

Okay, guys,
slight complication.

You think?

We have to delay,
wait till the cameras have gone.

No, no.
We do not delay.

Good Cheer
Greeting Card Company.

This is Ellie.
How may I help you?

Guys, Heartfelt gets here
in less than three days.

Look, if Bartley's embezzlement
comes to light

once they've already
bought this place up --

they'll drop Good Cheer
in a flash.

No, no,
we can't, uh, delay.

If the company goes down,
then the town is gonna go down.

We have no time to delay.
No, there's only one thing we can do.

Only one thing.

- Okay.
- Mm.

What is that, uh, expression
you guys say?

Uh, "roll camera"? Hmm?

Don't address me
directly.

I'm here to introduce you

to some new friends
of the program.

First and foremost,
we have Mr. Joseph Meeker

of Meeker Efficiency...

- Consulting.
- Consulting.

And he and his guys are here
to prepare us for victory.

Time to determine
which of you

is here to score
the winning touchdown...

and take the ball --

Okay, yeah. Thanks.

Who here wants to take
Good Cheer to the next level,

restore it
to its former glory, huh?

- Yes! Yes!
- All right, let's do it.

Clap it up.
Well done, "Meeks."

I, um, I just thought that I'd
make the introductions myself.

Uh, Ms. Crystal,
she, uh, she's our emotioneer.

Yeah, and what she'll be doing
is she'll be leading the team

through some, uh,
some creative exercises.

Now, everybody
take a finger.

Um, the index works well.

But the pinky's good
for smaller cavities.

And just -- just stick it
into your partner's ear.

Just -- now, don't be shy.
Don't be afraid.

We're gonna break
through barriers today.

Just stick your finger
in your partner's ear.

That's it. Lovely.

She's obviously brilliant.

Next up,
we got, uh, Mindy Hoffman,

and she, uh, she's gonna be
observing the card writers.

"Happy Anniversary,"
"Happy Hanukkah,"

"Happy Graduation."

You know, I'm seeing
a lot of "happy" here.

Aren't people tired
of the same card,

the same positive message
over and over again?

Yeah.
Jennifer not too happy, huh?

Not too happy.

And next up is Mr. Gates,
our IT guy -- no relation.

And, then, uh, Mr. Dennis --

he's our, uh,
infrastructure guy.

Efficiency is knowing what
everyone's place is on the team.

Efficiency just means more of us
are getting fired.

This is what we in the business
call the circle of trust.

Now, which of you
is the head writer?

Oh. Whoopsy Daisy.

She -- she -- she was
a bit too trusting.

Now, you -- you've lost
the power of...

- Hey. Yeah.
- Hey.

Uh, a little
touchy-feely, huh?

Well, I mean, you know,
you wouldn't send a player in

to do something a coach wouldn't do
himself, would you? So go, yeah.

Blindfolds,
ladies and gentlemen.

Imagine a world where you
cannot see, you can only feel.

- Oh, Mr. Bartley! What a surprise!
- Hey. Yeah.

You can have a blindfold.

Could you hand these
around, please?

Now, look. We're going to
tap into our primal emotions.

We're gonna act like monkeys.

Here's an interesting fact
about monkeys.

Each member
contributes to the pack.

That's what we are today --
a pack.

Now, everybody
down on all fours.

Come on. Don't be shy.
Down on all fours.

And I want you to hop
like a monkey.

Do monkeys hop?
Or is that a bunny?

Okay, guys, we're clear.

See what you can find
in Bartley's office.

Sorry.

Yeah, I'm just searching
for evidence of embarrassment

or, you know,
something like that.

Mr. Dennis here is gonna go
search for any fragile activity.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

What am I checking for?

Anything fragile..."Ent."

Oh.

- All right. A bunny-monkey.
- A bunny-monkey.

Now, everybody, come on.

We're gonna -- we're gonna
switch it up. Take my hand.

We're gonna leave this
corporate prison behind us.

You're gonna travel with me
to the corners of the world.

You might want
to ease off a bit.

It seems like one of your
crazy acting classes.

Just --

♪ La la la la la, ooh! ♪
♪ La la la la la, ooh ♪

He gave you that rubbish
about everybody having a place?

I -- you kn--

he likes to put everybody
in their place. That's --

you know, just last week,

I started keeping
a record -- yeah, a record --

of every time...

he blatantly disrespects
my contributions.

- I mean, this is a week.
-Well done, team.

Everybody bunny-hop.
Here we go.

- Hop. Hop. Hopping.
- Ohh!

Oh, this is the time he told me

that my English accent
wasn't convincing. I --

this one -- yeah.

He sent me out
for a pint of milk. Uh-huh.

I take offense to that.

- Hey.
- What?

Did you find anything?

Got a half pack
of cigarettes.

Ah, that's great.
Anything useful?

Nope.
Nothing fragile.

No cheesy little accounts
with the holes in them.

And the only embarrassment
around here is you.

This job is all about trust.

The job is all about respect.

Go, baby.

Did you put that in there?
Did you put that in the fridge?

No, I-I just like it when
the chocolate's all cold.

All right. Put it back in there.
It's not yours.

- Who you think --
- Put it back in there. It's not yours.

Somebody left that
so they can eat it later.

Get -- get on -- bring it --
bring it over.

This about the sandwich?

In here?
A guy makes a sandwich.

H-he makes it that day, he wants
to eat it later on that day,

he puts it in the fridge,
he's got to be able to trust

that when he comes back,
it's gonna be there for him.

He's got to respect me enough

to know I didn't take
the damn sandwich.

He likes sandwiches.

I think it had turkey on it
or something.

I'm al-- I'm allergic
to tryptophan in the turkey.

Two dinosaurs falling in love?

Makes no sense!

How about a dinosaur...

ripping the head
off a lion, hmm?

Ohh, yeah.
Now we're talking.

Oh!

Little lion wants
to leave the pack early.

A little bear cub wants to go
out and see the world, huh?

Oh, yeah?

Raaaaaaaaah!

Now, that's a
high-school-graduation card.

Here she comes. Get her.

Yes, her.

Keep filming her.

Yeah. Good, good.
Follow her.

Sorry, Mindy.
The copier is broken.

Oh. Sweet.

Vaaah!
I hatecameras.

You know what?
I will break it!

- Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
- I will break --

Achtung!

Okay. After her.

I don't really have
anything to say.

Why are you still
rolling the camera?

What a magnificent
creature.

Oh, hey. Okay.

We are going to --

we're gonna call to order

the efficiency council meeting
right now.

There's nothing
on his computer.

- What do you mean?
- Couldn't find anything in the offices.

There's...

no cheese accounts,
no critical activity.

There's nothing
that says he's...

de-fragile-ing Good Cheer
at all.

Look. All the delivery
notifications for the ink.

He paid for that special
holographic printer.

He -- it's all legit.

Mm-hmm.

He's not... embarrassing.

No, there's
something else here.

It's color-shifting ink...

100% cotton paper.

He's, uh,
he's printing, uh...

fake cards, fake cards.

Yeah, you know how some
greeting cards have...

people's faces on them? Um --

important people's faces
on them?

Okay, well,
he's copying...

those designs.

Ohh! Sounds pretty
embarrassing to me.

Eh, no, no.

His cards aren't real.

- They just look real.
- They look real, yeah.

- But the emotion --
- The emotion --

- the emotion...
- the emotion --

- is false.
- it's false.

And they shouldn't
be circulated.

And they shouldn't
be circulated.

Oh, the cards are made
for passing money.

Ohh! Bartley's
counrfeiting mo--

- C-cards! Cards!
- Yeah.

Yeah, he's counterfeiting cards.

- So w-w-we --
- Cards.

we've learned a lot
here t-- okay, we're good.

- Thank you.
- You get enough?

- That's great.
- Thank you.

That's not what I said.

Look, all I want to know
is how do we nail

this Bartley guy
for counterfeiting?

- Cards!
- Parker, we're alone.

Yeah, well, that guy Gunter's
been on me like a cheap suit!

The US dollar
is part linen.

Our guy's been, uh, using
green and purple ink.

I think he's cloning
the euro.

We need to find every piece
of equipment he's using.

Hey, Parker, the paper --
you got to find that.

Eliot, Hardison, get the ink
and especially that printer.

We've got
less than 24 hours to do it

- before Heartfelt gets here.
- That's enough.

Aah!
Hey, gunter.

I am nowhere.

And everywhere.
I'm starting to get it.

Mr. Meekers!
Ms. Crystal!

We haven't had a chance
to talk yet.

Listen, you know,
it's only natural,

you know,
for you, an executive,

you know, to feel,
you know, threatened

in a situation like this, you know,
where a consultant comes in.

I just want to make sure
the romantic relationship

you're pursuing with Ms. Crystal
is a healthy one.

For the both of you.

She mentioned something
called, um, reverse favoritism,

and apparently
i-it's a very common byproduct

in workplace relationships.

And she -- she offered
to speak to Mr. Meeker,

which, um, I thought was...

a splendid idea.

Oh.

Wait. Ho-- I'm sorry.
A-are you actually

trying to threaten me into
admitting I ate your sandwich?

I'm not threatening you.
I ain't playing with you either.

Nobody threatens anybody with a
Moldavian sawhorse.

You know what, man?
Can we just finish finding

this damn inefficient printer
and do our jobs?

We checked the warehouse,
the office,

the printer farm
top to bottom -- nothing.

Okay? Maybe this guy Bartley
isn't as dumb as you think.

Shh. What's up?

Help you guys?

Yeah, we're just, uh,
looking for the, uh...

Trying to find -- this place
is like a maze in here, man.

Just trying to figure out
a way out of here.

- Three crates down to the right.
- Three.

Then go four crates
to the left.

And then four to
the left. Told you. I got it.

Appreciate it, man.

Hey, appreciate it.
Black. Yeah!

Walk.

He look mad. Just mad.

What the hell was that?

What do you mean,
"what was that?"

Man, if I was dummying up
some cards like Bartley,

I'd definitely have some muscle
in on the operation.

- I'm just saying.
- Are you ser--

you must have taken two hits
to the head.

Jumbo black back there?
Come on, man.

You probably ate the damn sandwich
yourself and forgot about it.

So, my sandwich is forgettable?

Listen, I take
thinly sliced turkey, all right?

I pan-sear it with some
sweet Maui onions, all right?

Then I put a slice
of dill havarti cheese

and another slice
of an heirloom tomato.

All that goes
on an everything bagel,

and I make my own
garlic-and-green-onion

cream-cheese spread.

That's forgettable?

I don't think so.

No. More forward.
Forward. Forward.

There. There.
Stop. Stop.

Ahhh.

This mysterious wonder.

She has the nuclear winter
inside her.

Yes?

Ahhhh.

There's Bartley. You're up.

This guy
is about five hours away

from getting away
with a scam.

It's embarrassing.

I thought we were using
false emotion.

Yeah. No, wait. What?

No. Oh, I know
he's not embarrassing.

Hey. Look, I --
well, whatever.

I got most of this down --

de-fragile-ing,
cheese-accounts thing.

Just don't know what "sandwich"
has to do with it. Hmm?

Sandwich.
"Sandwich."

What does that
have to do with it?

- It's just --
- What? It's what?

"Sandwich"
is an actual sandwich.

It's a real sandwich.
It's a real sandwich.

- Mm-hmm.
- Was a real sandwich.

Man.

Absolutely not.
It was in the fridge

- for less than 24 hours, man.
- The only reason why I know about the sandwich

in the first place

- is because you won't shut up about it.
- How do you eat another man's sandwich?

That's a code
of the west!

The -- the -- the 3-d printer's
got to be somewhere.

Did you check behind the paper
in the stock room?

I mean, maybe he's built
an artificial --

And see if they built an artificial
wall with the paper boxes?

- Yeah, we thought of that.
- What about the janitors' closet?

No, man, I'm telling you,
there's no printer.

Okay.
Uh, the loading dock?

How come we keep meeting in
here? The copier's broken.

No.

The copier.

Hey, does anybody actually know
what's wrong with the copier?

It's not working!

Appreciate it.

Doesn't really tell you
what's wrong with it, does it?

I knew it.

Ohh.

All right, all right.
We got him. We got him.

Yeah, we got him.

- No.
- What?

We may have somebody,
but it's not him.

- It's not Bartley?
- Unh-unh. No.

I just threw every trick
in the book at him --

word association, NLP --
nothing, nada.

The guy doesn't have the foggiest idea
what's going on at his own company.

So Bartley isn't
our bad guy, then.

No, no, no.
He's just a fool.

No, we have an airtight case
against somebody.

- We just don't know who.
- Well, I think we're running out of time.

Heartfelt's coming
this afternoon.

All right, here's
what we're gonna do.

We're just gonna look
at all the security footage

over the last couple of days, see
who's been fiddling with the copier.

No, we won't. Look, man,
security hard drives are crap.

They erase
every 12 hours.

Well, I mean, there's got to
be some way we can figure out

and know what's going on the last
couple of days in this office.

There's got... to be...

Yeah, yeah. Zoom in.

A way.

Zoom out.

This is excruciating!

Why can't Hardison do this,

run some kind of algorithm
or whatever it is he does?

No.
No, I think --

I really think
that you should --

you should be doing it.

So, your counterfeiters,

they simply print new money
on the copier?

No. Modern printers
and image-manipulation software

are very powerful,

and they both have
safeguards

to prevent people
from printing money,

you know, but they're not
too hard to get around,

uh, you know, if you know
what you're doing.

And you know
what you are doing?

More or less.

Ugh. This is getting us
nowhere.

Well, I mean, you can't
take your eyes off it.

- You know, you might miss something.
- Huh? What?

You can't take
your eyes off it,

because then you might
miss something.

And for future reference

Uh, Ms. Crystal,

this is
reverse favoritism.

Get -- get that.
Get that.

Ohh.

Oh, it is on.

Would you
describe yourself

as having any kind of life
outside of work?

Uh, excuse me?

Do you have
any outside interests?

Do you ever do anything
but this?

Of course I do. I...

W-why does this even matter?

This is --
it's just so...

Well, your co-worker
suggested I ask.

She did. Really?

You know what
you should ask her?

I'm so-- could you --
could you repeat --

"Career."

No. I wouldn't say that
my acting career fizzled.

I just -- I-I --

Pbht!

I just put it on hold
to pursue other things.

But he implied

it might have something to do
with "ageism"?

Functioning alcoholic.
Functioning.

She always leaves that part out.

And speaking of leaving --

No, I didn't abandon them
to gad about.

I just...

I just faked my own death

and went on a voyage
of self-discovery.

God complex?

What does that even mean?

Shrew?!

Shrew?!

Shrew?!

No, no, that --
that right there, that's a lie!

I-I love foreplay.

Ooh.

There. There. There.
Look at that.

Yeah, they're putting toner
in the printer, not the copier.

These are our guys.

What do you do next?

Well, we see what
we can get out of them

in a subtle,
kind of quiet way.

On film?

Um...

Mm.

Is that a camera?

Yeah. Yeah, man.
Make 'em myself.

It's got
an HD-quality 3-CCD chip

with image stabilization
and omnidirectional sound.

It's fitted with a
transmitter, a micro-transmitter,

that sends the image
anywhere that I want.

Please don't touch.
It's very delicate. Thank you.

You have more of these?

Why?

Ms. Hoffman,
what are you working on?

Please.
Describe it to me.

Well, as long as there's
no cameras watching us.

'Cause I hate them.

All right. No camera.

Fine.

Here. Take a look.

Ah.

Oh, poor creature!
Good.

Ms. Hoffman...

sometimes when I'm hungry,

I go to
a hospital cafeteria to eat.

This reminder
of, uh, mortality,

the fleetingness of life,

combined with
the institutional

mass-produced
flavor of food...

it is intoxicating.

Okay.

Sometimes I'll dress up
like a doctor

just to see
if someone will stop me.

Whoa. Um, is something wrong
with your back?

Uh...

- Sciatica.
- Hey.

What is that?
Is that a -- is that --

- What?
- Is that a camera?!

Don't. Oh, it's off.

- Hey!
- What? Stop it!

Aah!

- Such nice hair.
- No.

I'm not saying anything
until I get a lawyer.

What's up, guys?

Now, we can do this
the hard way --

- Let's go!
- Hey!

He copped to stealing
office supplies.

Three cases of sticky notes.

Answer me! Answer me!

- Copiers? What copiers?
- The copiers!

We saw you on camera, changing
the toner in the broken copier!

- Bob did that!
- Who --

I swear it wasn't me!
Aah!

Who's Bob?
The other guy?

Yeah!

H-he said Bartley
wanted it done.

That's all I know!

Get the hell
out of here.

Don't tell anybody I got beat up
by an efficiency expert.

Sounds like this
other guy put him up to it.

No, it's a set-up.
Whoever's doing this

is building an evidence trail
straight back to Fred Bartley.

Well, Bartley "told" them
to fix the copier.

And Bartley's the one who bought
the paper and the ink.

If the authorities
come sniffing around,

then Bartley's
gonna take the fall, huh?

No, it's not just counterfeiting.
It's a frame job.

- Could y--
- No, no, no. It's more than that.

See, the copier's set
for remote printing.

I figured if I can get
into the print queue,

I could figure out who --

I could figure out
who's copying the money.

Now, they covered their tracks.
It's pretty tangled.

But look where
I-I traced it back to.

Felicia from HR.

- Yeah.
- Mm.

And checked the -- she's not
just printing funny money.

There's another document
in the queue, on hold,

that's set to print
in two hours.

In two hours?
But that's -- that's --

that's right in the middle
of the, um,

the, um,
Heartfelt meeting.

What's the document?

Suicide note.
From Bartley.

I'm gonna crack your forehead.
I swear.

What -- what is this?
I-I don't understand.

I-it means I-I-it's
not just a frame job.

It's about to be a murder.

Let's go.

She's smarter
than you are.

- We got a problem.
- What?

Heartfelt's here,
and I can't find Bartley.

Felicia's gonna kill Bartley.

I-I am not ready to present.
I need more time.

Mr. Bartley isn't here. He's
supposed to run the meeting!

What do we do?!
What do we do?!

Okay! Okay!
Calm down! Okay!

Now, what we're gonna do now is you're gonna
finish your presentation, okay? And, uh...

Well, that's the thing
about him.

He's...

he's broken. Badly.

He gets the job done...

and doesn't let anything
get in the way --

not people, not feelings,
not relationships.

We're all second to the job.

- What about us?
- Okay, Sophie, you and I,

we're going to,
uh, stall Heartfelt.

Eliot, Hardison,
go find, uh, Fred Bartley.

Parker -- Parker,
you're gonna stay here

and kind of take care
of things.

You. You're coming with us.
Let's go.

- You're in the game, pal.
- Who's going with her?

Not you!
You're coming with us!

Hey! Bring your ass!

Okay.

Hello! Hi! Hi. Hello.
Hi. How are you? Joe Meeker.

- Meeker Efficiency Consulting.
- Oh. Uh --

You must be
from Heartfelt.

- Yes.
- Yeah, welcome to Good Cheer.

We're very, very excited to have you with us.
Very excited to have you here.

We'd love to give --
give you a little tour.

Little tour.
So, like, for --

- here's the elevator that, uh...
- Yeah.

The fine employees
of Good Cheer,

they like to ride it
all the way down.

Yeah, the elevator car,
yeah, not the company.

No, no, no.
You know.

Exactly.

I'm gonna
check his schedule,

see exactly
where he's supposed to be.

His car's still here.

Means he couldn't
have gone far.

Yeah, yeah?

What is this? Huh?

Yeah, yeah, cigarettes.

Bartley has cigarettes!

And?

He told me
he quit two months ago.

Well, I-I quit smoking
two months ago.

Mm-hmm.

It was easy.

I'm, uh, disciplined.

He fell off the wagon.

Probably be smoking
out of the way,

where nobody would notice.

- The roof.
- The roof.

The roof?!

Come, come.

Boys.

Not the camera! Oooh!

- This is the, uh, the copy room.
- Oh, yes.

- Yeah. The copier doesn't work.
- It's a funny story.

- Mr. Meeker, tell them t-the funny story about...
- Well, what happened...

- Did we want to start this --
- ls normally it's a green button,

and when it first arrived,
it wasn't green.

It was red.

Aah!

Um...

Yeah, no, it was cool,
you know,

uh, hanging off
the side of the building,

'cause I-I got strong fingers
from doing my thing,

so I was good.

Eliot.

Eliot.

This is America.
This is brutality.

I know you're here! Eliot!

Yeah, get that.

Eliot,
I'm not playin'!

- There's a camera!
- Eliot!

Eliot! Eliot!

Over here.

Come on, man.

You okay, man?
You all right? Come on.

Nobody throws Hardison
off a roof.

Except maybe me.
No.

And it will create
maximum sentimentality

for our customers.

Or, as we like to say,
"maxi-mentality."

Mm. "Maxi-mentality."

So, uh, do you have
anything else?

Uh...

Uh, uh --

we could send Parker up.
She's got some ideas.

Yeah.

I've been
working with Mindy a lot

on, um, on relating to people.

Well, public speaking
in particular, 'cause she's...

Anyway, she's got it down.

It's all about eye contact
and enunciation.

Yeah, okay, I'll go.
I do.

Thank you...

"Maxi-mentality."

Hello!

My card line is called
"Eskimo Kisses."

Eskimo Kisses
covers any occasion,

such as...

weddings...

birthdays...

- and...
- Ohh!

Thank you.

Arigato!

That was exquisite!

- Yeah.
- Good!

- We got to get you downstairs.
- What's going on?

Heartfelt is here.
You want to save your company,

you need to get into
that meeting right now.

G--

Come on, man. Go!

And act natural when you --

Which is why
Eskimo Kisses says

exactly what you're thinking.

Okay, well, thank you
very much for your time.

We will let you know
if we are still interested.

Hi!

You might think twice
about drinking on the --

Hi. Oh, wait.

I-I'm Fred Bartley...

CEO of Good Cheer cards.

And I want to tell you...

that Good Cheer cards
is good...

with cheer.

- Yes.
- Oh, yeah.

Awesome.

So, um,
Heartfelt friends,

if you could, um, maybe stick --
stick around.

Thanks for staying.
I'm not big on emotion.

I think -- I think men
should keep it all in here,

not out there
where people see it.

The copier's printing
some kind of money!

We're all gonna be rich!

What?!

The copier's printing
some kind of money.

- We're all gonna be rich!
- Money!

No, it's counterfeit money.
Bartley's been counterfeiting!

He's been doing it
all along!

What, you think --
I can't even --

I can't even make
greeting cards.

You think I can
counterfeit money?

We all wanted to replace that
broken copier years ago,

but you said
we had to keep it.

We couldn't afford
to fix the copier.

There's all that weird ink
and paper ordered in your name.

- I don't remember ordering weird ink.
- And Hal -- you made me fire Hal.

You said he tried
to grab your --

Was he onto you? Is that
why you had me fire him?

Is this why you've driven
the company into the ground?

Mr. Bartley,
if this is true,

then Heartfelt withdraws
any offer of --

Well, no, excuse me.
I-it's not true.

He's not doing
any counterfeiting.

- She is.
- What?

The evidence
all points to him.

Yes, evidence
that you planted.

That. Hold on her.

Oh, sure -- the efficiency
experts that he hired

- are defending him.
- Well...

Are you in on it?

Are you with the mob?

It wouldn't surprise me
if you were with the mob.

That's nice.
V-very n-nice touch.

There's only
one problem, though.

We have it on tape.

Yeah. There you go.

I didn't --
that's not --

Time stamp on the phone,

uh, will show that's exactly
when the print order was sent

for those bills.

You might want to get
right in there.

How did you film that?

What do we have here?
Oh, "Happy Easter."

Now, my grandma used to make me
little Easter eggs,

and she used to put
little daisies on them.

Yeah.

Is that a camera?

It's fitted
with a micro-transmitter

that can send the image to
basically anywhere that I want.

F'leesh...

What a soap opera.

I don't understand.

Oh.

F'leesh!

You betrayed us?!

"Us"? What "us"?
We're not a team!

Bartley's not a coach.
He's a fool!

- And you're the fools who follow him!
- Stop.

You think I'm just the lady who
brings in brownies twice a week,

who never gets tired
of listening

- to your pathetic work-related complaints.
- Stop. Stop.

But I'm smarter
than all of you!

- I'm -- what are you doing?
- In you go.

Lock it.

Well, that'll hold her
till the police come.

I-I still don't understand,
Mr. Meeker.

Look, Felicia was
misappropriating equipment

and covering it up
in the company's expenses.

Rather than risk exposure
and a potential audit,

she set you up
as a scapegoat.

Felicia
was shaving points,

you know, figuring
no one would notice,

'cause you were calling
bad plays,

but just in case,
she doctored the playbook.

So -- so the coach
would take the blame

- if somebody went looking.
- There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my g--
I let this happen.

I'm like t-the Joe Pisarcik
of greeting-card execs,

dropping the ball

so Herm Edwards
can run it back for the win.

"Miracle At The Meadowlands."

Giants and Eagles
in, uh, '78 --

rallied the Eagles
to the playoffs.

Hell of a play.

- Are you a Gridiron man?
- Lifelong.

Been watching games with my pop
since I was 2.

Ah, well, if that's the
case, you're gonna really like

the, uh, the new card line
he's working on.

That's a hail Mary.

"Remember,
when it's crunch time...

You can always call
my number, dad."

Now, that's how men,
real men, emote.

And this card...

is the play that Good Cheer ran
to win the game.

No, the championship.

Okay?

So, what do you think?

I think it's terrific.

Absolutely uplifting.

Heartwarming, even.
Don't you think?

Yeah, it was a story
of triumph. I cried.

Triumph. Little guy beats the world.
Exactly.

I just love the ending.
It's so hopeful.

Hopeful.

Yeah. You know, you
could sell this to Hollywood.

Hollywoonein!

That is not the point!

The point is to expose
the futility of life...

Oh, it doesn't do that.

The ever-presence of decay,

not to peddle simplistic,
narrative pablum!

It is not.

Well, that's kind of
what I got.

You have the soul
of a German. Hmm?

What did you think?

I didn't really get it.

She didn't get it?

All right.

It is disgraceful.

This heartwarming...

soulful beast...

will never see...

the light of day.

I thank you from the bottom
of my heart...

friends.

The hell's wrong with him?

You erased the film
off of his...

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah, man,
I uploaded a nasty virus

into gunter's
digital-editing bay.

It zapped every gigabyte of film
he shot of us, except that.

That was the last bit
of it.

I l-like this guy. I do.
I feel sorry for him.

He cut his finger.

Hey, man, do you finally
believe me about the sandwich?

Seriously.
All right, you know what, man?

I was gonna buy you dinner,
'cause I felt sorry for you.

- Ooh, you're buying dinner?
- You're buying dinner?

- Thought you was hungry.
- Are you buying?

- Maybe. Do you believe me?
- I'm in.

I believe that you're
buying dinner now.

Oh, uh, Nate?

- Um...
- Yeah?

Oh, I-I just --
I wanted to say

the things I said on there

about, you know,
you, relationships,

you know,
it's not -- I don't --

you and I --
we're -- we --

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I ate the damn sandwich.

I ate the damn sandwich
for sure.

The boy can cook.
He can throw down.

If he wasn't gonna beat my ass,
I'd go thank him.