Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Can you sense it?

Darkness is descending.

Grave darkness.

Darkness and doom,

a great, great evil is on its way to our little town.

And it is focused on one man.

Who is he, Mama?

This is hard to say,

for he is enshrouded in many shadows.

But he is a man of destiny.

Hey, you cutie wittle, wittle puppies.

Who wants some vittles, huh?

I've seen better.

♪ Now gather round and lend an ear

♪ Pull up a chair, slam down a beer

♪ I've got you all a story for the ages

♪ Some folks say that it just ain't true

♪ But doubters is as doubters do

♪ But me, I trust what's in the funny pages

♪ Imagine now if you will

♪ A man of meager means

♪ Who stumbled 'cross lycanthropy

♪ But he don't know what that means

♪ Bubba, his name's Bubba

♪ He was no different than most folk

♪ But know he's Bubba, yes Bubba

♪ Bubba the redneck werewolf

♪ He loves his truck, he loves his guns

♪ He loves his Bobbie Jo's tight buns

♪ And howlin' at the moon is really swell

♪ He may not have the sharpest wit

♪ Frankly put he's dumb as

♪ But dammit if at least he don't mean well

♪ He's teeth are long, his claws are sharp

♪ He's a beast in moon and sun

♪ If this defies your precious science

♪ Well you might want to cut and run

♪ Bubba, cursed Bubba

♪ Your humanity's been revoked

♪ Oh, Bubba, fuzzy Bubba

♪ Bubba the redneck werewolf

♪ Some say he's lazy as a dog

♪ Ole Harper says he ate the hog

♪ And all we all agree he could shed less

♪ But when the keg is truly out

♪ When fears and trouble start to mount

♪ One man was always there to save our ass, yahoo

♪ Bubba, brave Bubba

♪ You're a hero for us yokels

♪ Oh Bubba, I love ya Bubba

♪ Bubba the redneck werewolf

♪ Bubba the redneck werewolf

♪ Bubba the redneck werewolf

Y'all ready for your midnight snack, ain't ya?

Aw, come on, wait for your turn, Sixpack,

Moonshine, Dale Earnhardt.

I ain't forgot about you.

Don't I always do right by you?

I sure as hell do.

I give Skippy extra walks,

and Rubby I give extra tummy pats,

and Kinky,

I stay the hell outta Kinky's way.

Everybody needs somebody to take care of 'em,

and y'all got me.

Yeah, you do, aww,

you best be glad of that, too.

This crazy world's fulla all kinds of shit.

Aww, shit.

Ugh.

Got shit in your hair again?

No!

Know you're talkin' about.

Well, there's a reason I give you the night shift,

Shithead.

You ain't fit for polite society.

I am too.

I'm goin' down to the Rusty Bombshell right now

to see my girl.

Bobbie Jo ain't any more your girl

than the Rusty Bombshell's polite society.

You might as well just lock yourself in

with the rest of them mutt bastards and call it a night.

I really wish y'all'd let me wear my hat in here.

You know I feel naked without it.

Why?

So you can get shit in that, too?

Shithead.

No!

Shut Up!

You're listening to KRUD, the krud.

I'm back, baby.

I know you understand me.

Let's get drunk!

♪ And I'm a southern man

♪ And I'm straight outta hell

♪ You ain't never gonna hold me down

♪ When push comes to shove I'll be standin' up above

♪ I'll always drag my heels in the ground

♪ I like to drink and smoke and that ain't no joke

♪ I sure do like to have my fun

♪ When my best friend calls

♪ You know I will give my all

♪ I'm gonna die before I'm old

Maybe tonight'll be the night we win Bobbie Jo back.

♪ Straight outta hell

♪ You ain't never seen a fella like me

♪ Well I done my share of wrong

♪ And I spent some time in jail

♪ I need some good judge to set me free

Oh, hey, Jimbo.

How you doin', man?

Bethany Ann,

Lookin' good.

Wake up, Monty.

Cletus, you sumbitch you.

You smell like shit, Bubba.

What?

No, man, it's my new colognes, High Karate, hai!

You smell like shit, Bubba.

- Whattaya have? - What?

The cheapest.

Okay, Cornstock Light it is.

Y'all ain't seen Bobbie Jo around here lately, have you?

Uh, well, yeah, she's...

Howdy y'all doin' there, Cousin Bubba!

Shit.

How long's it been, like a couple years?

I can remember when you was yay tall.

Man, I see you every damn day, Clovis.

I'm older than you are!

Really?

Then who am I thinkin' of?

I don't know.

Anyways, you seen Bobbie Jo lately?

I'm kinda backed up, know what I mean?

And she seemed kinda distant too,

you know what I mean?

I never know what you mean.

But you don't need her, Cousin Bubba.

- You got me. - What?

That's just gross, man.

You're my third cousin, once removed.

Maybe if you was my second cousin, I'd think about it.

No, no, no, that's not what I'm talkin' about, Bubba.

Well why not?

Hmm?

Where is she?

She's at her AAA meetin'.

You mean AA meetin'?

They got those here on Thursdays.

No, I mean triple A meetin'.

She's makin' out with Dangerous Dwight

in his fancy car.

The Automobile Association of America

is not to be trifled with.

But I don't think gang bang is part of the road services

described in the manual,

since I no longer get the newsletters.

I'm gonna kick your ass!

What are you gonna do now?

Motherfucker, I fuckin' hate cell phones and beepers!

Aw, son of a bitch!

Well that oughta teach you to steal my girl,

Dangerous Dwight.

Oh.

Bubba Beauregard Blanch.

What you got against Billy Bob's front headlight?

You got a bone to pick with me, Bubba?

Well, no sir.

I just thought you and Bobbie Jo was

messin' around in there.

Hell no.

I was messin' around with Bobbie Jo in there.

Bobbie Jo, how could you?

Why wouldn't I?

Dwight and I have been datin' for like two months now.

Or haven't you noticed.

Well back in high school, you and me we...

Yeah, in high school.

A lot more than just a decade's changed since then, Bubba.

Grown ass gal needs a grown ass man,

a man's man, one that can fix motorcycles

and has a double-wide trailer, right?

He does have a pretty sweet-ass trailer, Bubba.

It's got a toaster that fits four slices of bread,

and a clicker for his TV that he ain't never lost once.

The clicker?

Babe, if you just give me a little bit of time

I could find...

But you don't, Bubba.

You never have.

You don't stand up for yourself.

You don't take responsibility.

I've got a job just like you said I oughta do.

Yeah, back in high school,

and 10 years later you still smell like puppy shit.

You look like it too, Bubba.

Why, you ain't even got decent arm holes.

What's wrong with my arm holes?

What isn't?

They look like they was cut with pinkin' shears.

My arm holes?

Now these was done with proper fuckin' scissors.

That's right, Bubba.

I own proper fuckin' scissors.

Only way to maintain sleeveless flannel shirt upkeep.

Well babe,

you gonna let him talk about my arm holes like that?

Are you?

Bubba, you ain't man enough for Bobbie Jo.

No, no sir, I never said I was.

Well I got more hair on my ass

than you got on that poor excuse for a baldin' head.

It's true.

I don't feel safe goin' around with you, Bubba,

not with all them hillbilly rapists they got around here,

and them folks that steal your shoes.

I would, I'd give my life for you.

I'd maybe even give my truck.

Hell, Bob, I'd sell my sorry ass soul if

I knew it'd do you any good.

If you think you're man enough, Bubba,

fight me for her, count of three.

Oh, no, sir, I never said...

- What, no! - One,

Ain't you even gonna try, Bubba?

Two,

Look, let's flip for her.

Three!

Oh, look what you did.

The darkness is here.

I can feel it in my gut.

I feel it in my bones.

It's probably gas.

I feel it in my ass!

Just take it easy, Cousin Bubba.

There's always more crabs in the sea.

Huh?

Damn, she give you crabs, Bubba?

What? Hell no, man!

Bobbie Jo ain't got no crabs.

Then she done give you lobsters.

You're gonna need that special comb and conditioner.

I like lobsters.

Red Lobster's got them cheddar cheese biscuits

that are to die fer.

Long John Silver's ain't bad, neither.

Can't catch crabs at Long John Silvers.

Just shut the hell up and leave me alone!

Oh, you're never alone,

as long as you have love in your heart.

Go away!

Okay.

Can I just have another shot, please?

Sure thing, Bubba.

Man,

I'd do anything to get Bobbie Jo back.

♪ Well it's only me

Hey there, Bubba.

Sure looks like you're having yourself a hard time.

Yeah.

I don't really feel like talkin' about it, though.

You know, that's the beautiful thing about life.

You don't have to talk about it,

you just gotta change it.

- What? - Yeah, what do you, whoa!

Man, you don't look right.

Oh, you mean this?

Nothin', it's just a sunburn.

I got it on a business trip.

It was pure hell.

Oh, tell you what, Bubba, let me buy you a round,

or 20.

Gee, thanks, mister.

Come on, Bubba.

Tell me what you want out of life.

What would make you happy?

Well, I guess whatever it takes

to win back Bobbie Jo.

Hell yeah.

Mmm.

Jack and Sammy?

Ha, I must've died and gone to heaven.

Heaven?

No, no.

Heaven gets top shelf and imports.

But we're not gonna worry about that right now.

Come on, Bubba, tell me what you want.

What I want?

Yeah, tell me what you really, really want.

Well, I wanna be strong and powerful,

and I wanna be a macho man, with hair on my chest,

and hair on my head.

I don't wanna go bald no more,

and I want people to love me,

and count on me to protect 'em and whatnot.

Yeah, and I wanna be strong enough

to take on whoever, whatever might come my way,

you know what I mean?

Okay, anything else?

I could use a four-slice toaster.

Okay, here's what I got.

You're gonna be the strongest, most powerful,

baddest bad ass in this entire town.

You'll be lovable and happy as hell.

And as far as that whole bald thing goes,

don't worry about it.

Your hair is gonna be so dense

that your conditioner's gonna need fuckin' conditioner.

What?

But, all you gotta do is sign this.

You sign this right now,

and I will get you this one-of-a-kind,

state-of-the-art General Electric four-slice toaster.

Seriously?

Hey, let me tell you somethin'.

The toaster alone is worth the whole deal,

but you know, Bubba?

I like you, no, I really like you.

I'm gonna throw in a beautiful smokeless ash tray,

- and a vegetable peeler. - What?

Holy shit!

You mean I get all three?

No, no, no, the vegetable peeler's off the table,

you took to long.

No, me and Bobbie Jo needs that vegetable peeler.

You keep whinin' like that and I'm gonna take away

that ash tray, too.

No, man, I need that smokeless ash tray.

Then all you gotta do is sign here,

- and here, - Yep.

and initial it right there.

Hell yeah.

Oh, thanks.

You know, Bubba?

I didn't think you had it in ya,

but you've made a very wise choice, a very wise choice.

Well let's shake on it like men.

Sure, don't mind if I do.

Ow!

That's a little warm.

Sunburn, remember?

I didn't know it was contagious.

Well, I'm off to take in a few of the local sights.

Maybe a few locals too, while I'm at it.

See you around, Fuzzy.

All right, man.

Man, I really wanted that vegetable peeler.

Whoa.

Must be dreamin'.

If I'm dreamin' this ain't gonna hurt a bit.

Guess I was dreamin'.

Holy shit, I'm a werewolf.

I'm a fuckin' werewolf.

Awesome!

Woo!

I vant to suck your blood.

Bond, Bubba Bond.

You talkin' to me?

Are you talkin' to me?

Ohhhh!

You, really, you talkin' to me?

Better not.

I'm a fuckin' werewolf, ha!

Oowie, damn, ha ha!

Yeah, yeah!

Oh.

What's that?

Probably not important.

Hello?

But, but Ms. Reynolds,

I know, I know I'm late.

Fine.

Work time.

Shithead, I'm warnin' you.

You show up late one more time,

just one more time, and I'll...

You'll what?

Bubba!

Bubba!

Bubba!

Come back here, you shithead!

Yeah, I'm gonna like it around here.

Hell is on the way, he's lookin' right at you.

Prayer card, prayer card, hello, sir.

Prayer cards.

Prayer card, oh lord, prayer cards.

Get your prayer card, hell is on its way

and it's lookin' right at you, prayer card.

Put him on the phone.

Well then he can shave his own damn back.

I don't care, have him come over here and say that.

Prayer cards.

Collect 'em all.

Prayer cards.

Oh my god.

Uh, oh my god.

Ah!

Hey buddy, can you lend me a hand?

Why sure thing.

And now, down to business.

How come you're always, here, Cletus?

Don't you never go home?

Well, I lost my testicles in 'Nam,

so I don't have to work.

My wife left me, dog died,

my cat,

well, I don't even have a cat.

So what do I have to go home for?

Don't you have any hobbies?

Besides wishin' I had my testicles back?

No.

Hey, Jamie Sue.

You look good enough to eat.

Hey, Bubba.

How are you today?

Oh, you know, runnin' around with some dogs,

kinda lost track of time.

Uh-huh, well, it's never too early for a drink.

Hey, I can't drink a Silver Bullet.

But it's the cheapest today.

Give me somethin' better.

I'm celebratin'.

Give me somethin' red.

Cornstock Red it is.

Bubba, ever tell you about

how I lost my testicles in 'Nam?

Hey, don't y'all notice nothin' different

about me today?

No, wait.

Did you wash your hat?

Yeah, your hat does look cleaner.

Seriously?

Well, your breath does stink a little more.

And?

You smell a bit less like shit than usual.

Y'all are pissin' me off.

And it's makin' me hungry.

And that's how I spelled the letter T

when I was a cheerleader.

Found my wallet.

Dammit, Bubba.

You spilled hot sauce everywhere.

I'm sorry, Jamie Sue.

These chicken wings are delicious.

Think you could tackle a fifth plate?

Yeah, maybe one more.

Can't believe I'm still hungry.

I can't believe he ate 700 chicken wings.

I can't believe the bill I'm gonna give you.

What do you happy-go-lucky boys want?

I don't know,

how 'bout all the money in the cash register?

That ain't one of them real guns.

That's one of them there fake ones.

Oh yeah?

Well then this shouldn't hurt one little bit.

Jamie Sue, got any more of this hot sauce?

I think this bottle's empty.

What the fuck?

You said this wouldn't hurt one bit.

He were right, I told ya.

Y'all ain't got nothin' but BB guns.

Bubba, are you okay?

Because I'm not sure, but

I think you've just been shot,

twice.

Really?

I thought I heard a couple gunshots.

Bubba, your shoulder.

It ain't hot sauce?

No, Bubba, you just been shot by them two boys,

the ones holdin' guns.

Why you boys interruptin' my dinner?

What the fuck is that?

It's a Bigfoot thing?

I don't know, I think it's

one of them hairy carnival people.

I think it's one of them goat boys.

You a goat boy?

Baa.

Cletus, get behind the bar.

Damn kids and their cap guns.

No respect for us Vietnam vets.

Well you just, you just stop right there.

Don't know what the fuck you are, but

you sit, you stay.

Smells like at least one of you boys shit your pants.

I'm tryin' to eat over here.

No, we wouldn'ta done anything like that.

If it ain't shit, it can only be one thing,

fear.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

You done pissin' yourself?

Yes, sir.

Good.

Batter's up.

Hope y'all don't mind.

I'm still hungry.

God almighty, Bubba.

You are not gettin' one more chicken wing

until you help me clean this shit up!

I ain't hungry for chicken.

Don't get excited, Jamie Sue.

You know, I'm startin' to think there's a

bit more different about Bubba than just

stinkier breath and a cleaner hat.

Oh, you think?

I do.

He ain't just some damn, dumb redneck anymore, he's a,

he's a warrior,

a warrior fightin' for justice

and the American way of life.

And he eats human corpses.

Yeah, just pour me another drink

and I'll tell ya how I lost my balls in the Tet Offensive.

So you're sayin' my soul,

the only part of me that lives beyond death,

given to me by God so that I can live forever and ever,

and the only part of me that is truly

and wholly me,

Indubitably.

The vital animated principle of my bein',

credited with the faculties of thought, action and emotion,

separable from the body only at death,

and susceptible to everlastin' torment

or eternal happiness,

my entire spiritual nature,

in exchange for a third hand, what,

that I can tickle my balls with while I jerk off?

Exactly.

Well then, you have yourself a deal.

Ah, you're a good man.

And like most, I'm sure you want to try

the old salami slide, menage a palm,

the whipping of the bishop,

and nailin' a couple of cardinals at the same time.

As we like to say below,

the more the merrier.

Put her there, pal.

No thanks.

You have a blast.

Oh, oh boy.

Oh boy, oh boy.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Excuse me.

Oh, this is gonna be so good.

Ah, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no!

It won't reach!

It won't reach!

It won't fucking reach!

♪ I got that change in my pocket

Bubba?

I don't understand all of what just happened, but

thanks a million.

My pleasure, Jamie Sue.

To be honest, I'm not sure what come over me.

Never eaten a man before.

What come over ya is that fightin' spirit.

You ain't that lame-ass pussy like you used to be.

Eatin' the flesh of your enemies

without barfin' all over yourself,

that's given you spunk,

and I don't mean that kinda spunk you get

at them VC jack-shack parlors.

I'm gonna load up on the jukebox.

Get me a drink, would you, bubble buns?

♪ That's when he started to shove and I needed my space

♪ So I poked him in the eye and I laughed in his face

♪ I'm standin' up in front of him, just a combin' my hair

♪ Said I'm too mean to die, and I'm much too drunk to care.

Who's the new guy?

Damn.

Who?

You mean Bubba?

No, that ripped fella with all that glorious hair.

Yeah, that's Bubba.

What?

That ain't the same Bubba I know.

Sure is.

Maybe you just don't recognize him

'cause he has a beard now.

♪ Too mean to die and too drunk to care

Bubba, you a damn hero.

I ain't seen a man kick so much ass

since well, that time in the Vietnamese whorehouse

when my sergeant kicked a corporal's ass

for not tippin' for a blow job.

Boy howdy, that was somethin' to see, 'cause

she was quite the sword swallower.

♪ And I'm far to drunk to care

What?

Can I get y'all somethin' to drink?

Uh, rum and cokes.

What's Cletus talkin' about?

Well, we were almost robbed, but

Bubba kicked their asses.

Bubba kicked someone's ass?

No fuckin' way.

Damn right he did.

Both of 'em.

This Bubba here, he's a regular

Mohammed Van Damme.

Fuck you, Bubba,

still makin' eyes at Bobbie Jo.

It don't matter if you was the Green fuckin' Lantern,

I stole your woman and there ain't

a goddamn thing you can do about it.

I'd watch your mouth, Dangerous Dwight.

I ain't the same Bubba you fucked with last night.

You sure that's Bubba?

That's clearly not Bubba.

The hell you talkin' about?

Bubba's got a beard is all.

Bubba gets his cheap beer for free

for the rest of the night.

Yeah go, Bubba, go, go, go, go, go,

- go, go. - Fuckin' Bubba.

I had enough.

Why do you think they call me Dangerous Dwight?

You don't know how to drive?

Cut it out, Dwight.

If that's Bubba, it ain't the Bubba you're used to.

The hell do you think you are?

I stole your woman, I knocked you out,

and that's the way of things.

Oh, shit.

I don't wanna clean this up again.

Growin' a splotch of facial hair don't make you a man.

I ain't just a man no more.

Bubba?

Is that really you?

Yeah, it's me.

What happened to you?

You, you, you grew a pair.

I grew more than a pair.

Let's talk outside.

Grew more than a pair?

How many balls you think he's got?

I can't believe

you sold your soul to the devil, Bubba.

I told you, Bobbie Jo,

I'd do whatever it took to get you back.

You sold your soul to the devil, for me.

Yep, pretty much.

Bubba Blanch, that's the most romantic thing

I ever did hear of.

You fought off robbers.

You stood up to Dwight and I never knew

you had it in you, Bubba.

I mean, I'd hoped and all, but

this new you's a whole lot more than just hairier.

Wait a minute.

You're all big and hairy now, so

what's it like, you know, down there?

You wanna take a look?

Holy

We're gettin' married!

Hey, my future wife just said we're gettin' hitched

in the unforeseen future.

Anyone hollers to congratulate Bubba and Bobbie Jo,

their next drink is free.

Aw, shit.

All right.

About time you made an honest man outta him, girl.

Sit down, let me buy y'all a round.

Oh, I think I'll stand for tonight.

Maybe tomorrow too.

Drink up, you lovebugs, you.

Here's hopin' everyone in Cracker County

is as happy as we are today.

All right.

People cheerin', I'll drink to that.

We ain't all happy, Bubba Beauregard Blanch.

Your misery done unleashed the devil on our town,

and not all of us who traded our souls

are as content to be freaks and monsters as you are.

We got a bum rap.

We didn't get no gift-wrapped girl toy nor no

head full of beautiful hair.

We ain't content to,

dammit, that weren't supposed to happen yet.

Done robbed me of my dramatic atmosphere.

Why

do you have a third arm on your head?

It's my curse.

I wanted to

play more slots in the casino.

That makes sense, Bubba.

I just wanted my hubby back and the damn kids gone.

And I didn't even get a choice in the fuckin' matter.

What?

I have no clue what the Batman is sayin'.

What's your problem?

Don't get me started.

Holy shit.

All right, it's obvious what your problem is.

But I haven't said anything yet.

It's all right, we can tell, just sit down.

Oh, y'all can see my acne from there?

This is all your fault, Bubba Blanch.

That devil done smelled your pathetic pussy-assed whimperin'

all the way from hell and rose up

to have a laugh on the lot of us.

My fault?

Y'all signed your own damn contracts.

Well the devil tricked us.

He goes by many names.

Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub,

some even call him a lawyer.

Well, it's not so bad.

We're dead and we're damned and we're stuck in this bar

until we're saved.

Wait, why are you stuck in the bar?

Well, we sure as hell ain't leavin' this bar

until you save us.

This can't be happening.

This is our bar, and I

fucking hate kids!

What the hell do I do to stop this?

Well, it's obvious, ain't it?

You gotta find and kill the devil,

get our contracts back and destroy 'em.

How the hell do I do that?

No idea.

Bubba, sometimes the answers we seek

are written in the questions themselves.

It's Biker Bob, master of the two-stroke engine.

If you want to find the devil,

find the one guy that knows the son of a bitch best.

Find a guy named Todd Who.

Todd Who, huh?

Find him and you find the devil.

Find the devil, you destroy the contracts.

But, what about my contract?

Get to that when we get to that.

The most important thing is to save this here bar,

and all those damn people, too.

Find Todd Who, the rest'll fall into place.

Wow.

Never thought I'd see the master of the two-stroke engine.

It's amazing.

Well you know what's amazin',

not bein' able to find your balls

in a Vietnamese ping-pong shop.

Nobody cares about your balls.

What we care about is savin' this bar.

It's damn kids I hate.

You have to do this, Bubba.

If you started this, you can end it.

You'll save the people and save the bar

and you'll be a hero.

I've gotta do this for the bar.

I've gotta do this for the guy with the huge testicles,

the guy that wants to play the slots.

I'm gonna make that devil pay.

Oh, Bubba.

Dammit, Bubba, this bar needs savin'.

Right.

I gotta go find that Todd character.

Todd Who.

Yep.

Bubba, Bubba get out here quick!

Clovis, I'm tryin' to sleep in here, dammit.

Sleepin?

But we got a job to do.

Get all your guns and all your bullets and get out here!

What are you talkin' about?

It's the damn zombie apocalypse.

Everything we ever dreamed of.

Get all your guns and all your bullets

and let's go!

Holy shit.

Yeah!

Wow, it's beautiful.

The devil's gone too far with this one.

He sure the hell has.

Aim carefully boys.

Remember, you gotta shoot zombies in the head.

I hit a tree.

Damn, I just shot my foot.

Wow, it's Biker Bob.

Again.

Heard about your zombies.

Ain't got a chance here in Cracker County.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Those aren't zombies.

What are you talkin' about?

Them there's zombies.

Seriously, those are hippie college kids

lookin' for mushrooms.

Shoot one in the leg and see what happens.

Ow!

Goddamn, my leg!

Ow!

Told you so.

What'd he say?

Ain't zombies.

College kids.

College kids?

Yeah!

I think this calls for a tactical retreat.

Crimety.

What a waste of time.

Hi, Bubba.

How's your hero's quest goin'?

Heroic?

Thought you might need a pick up?

Wanna make me walk funny again?

Did I say somethin' wrong?

No, Bobbie Jo,

it's just I'm gonna need all my vital juices

if I'm gonna kick the shit outta that devil.

You sure?

Women weaken legs.

Bobbie Jo, after all this business is done,

we can have all the hot hanky-panky you want.

You're a good man, Bubba.

Here's somethin' for the wait.

Dammit, Bobbie Jo, ahh!

We are not havin' sex.

Dammit, Bobbie Jo,

I gotta find that Todd Who character.

Who?

Yeah, Who.

Figure I'll start on the east side,

work my way to the west.

Wish me luck.

This devil better be easier to find

than lips on a chicken.

Ahh!

Frickin' brain freeze.

So buddy, got any change?

What's that smell?

That's worse than a 50 cent cigar.

Oh, I'm sorry, it's me.

I've been on the streets for a while.

Hey, you live around here?

'Cause I'm lookin' for a fella

who can tell me where the devil is.

You're lookin' for the devil?

No, I'm lookin' for the man

that can tell me where the devil is.

His name's Todd Who.

Todd Who, huh?

Let me think for just a second here, uh.

I'll tell you what.

Give me a dollar and I'll tell you how to find him.

All right.

Where is Who?

No, Where is Who's cousin, Fred Where.

What?

No, no, Jerry What's his uncle.

Lives on the other side of town.

You're gonna need a car.

What?

Yes, What.

Not what, Who?

Yes, Who.

You're a lot closer than you think.

To what, Who?

Right.

Who?

Right.

Dang it, I'm right about what?

No, no, you're right about Who.

If you're gonna be a smart ass, I want my dollar back.

What's your name, anyway?

Who.

You, that's who.

Exactly.

Your name's exactly.

My brother's name's Exactly.

How's your brother got anything to do with this?

Him and This got hitched last year,

now she's expecting.

What?

No, no, no, Uncle What's gay.

He wouldn't have nothin' to do with no woman.

That definitely was not worth a dollar.

That's right, Broken Taint.

Hell is full, and so we're franchising,

and you, yes you get the honor of being

the first earthly branch.

Lucky us.

And how quickly can we get up to a thousand souls?

Well that's up to you.

And what would you like, sir?

I'd give my soul for a woman.

Congrats.

You're a woman.

And what can I do for you?

Love.

STDs it is!

Your wish is truly my pleasure.

Contracts for everyone, souls for me.

Get 'em while they're hot.

This place is literally hell on earth,

and I'm here to stay,

so you better get used to it.

Damn.

Gets worse every minute.

Tell me about it, hmm.

Bubba, I thought you was off savin' the world.

I'm not very good at it, apparently.

I can't find the devil, I can't find Todd Hu,

I can't find nothin'.

You'll find him, Bubba.

I know you can do it.

You darn well better, Bubba.

The last hour alone we've got two new old people,

a transvestite and

whoever the hell that is.

Hewo!

Hey, what you got there, Bubba, let me see that.

You get this when you make your deal with he devil?

Yeah, so?

Incredible.

Why, what is it?

No idea.

But I bet I know who would.

I've had to look for that Hu feller.

No, not him.

You should go see that old palm reader

down on Slumber Road, out by the graveyard.

She's the spookiest clairvoyant in Cracker County.

That's a good idea, Bubba.

This thing's kinda scary.

I don't wanna see no bumbo, jumbo woman.

But we don't have no other options.

Why don't you give her a chance?

She lives in this la di da antique store

down by the edge of town

with her beautiful granddaughter.

Well, if I must.

But I'm only doin' it for the bar.

Yeah, I'll go with you.

Who is it that needs to know the future?

Well, that'd be me, ma'am.

Ah, I've been expecting you.

You have?

Your coming was appropriately foreshadowed.

Weird.

Wanna see my palm?

I can't see your palm, I'm blind.

Oh, you know what I mean.

Terms and medical things get in the way of my understandin'.

Then give it to me.

What?

Your palm.

Oh, right.

No, the drool brings the spirits.

I always thought it was the other way around.

It won't fuckin' reach!

My nuts!

No! Bad Bubba.

This is just,

can you just tell us what you saw?

I see a demon buying souls

and giving nothing in return.

Nothing but pain and sorrow, and toasters.

He leads souls to damnation on earth,

and I see you, you Bubba Beauregard Blanch,

you were the first, but you're definitely not the last.

Your desperation brought this demon lawyer to our town,

your all-around pathetic, pansy-ass, wistful wussiness.

All right, all right.

You don't need to lay it on so thick.

You are the reason he chose this town.

Long has he sought a foothold on earth,

and you showed him just how gullible and stupid

and easily manipulated our townsfolk can be,

how ignorant, weak-willed, soft...

All right, that's enough.

Did you not receive the four-slice toaster

of?

Yeah, I got the toaster.

Did you not receive the smokeless ash tray

from Fjorn Bjorg?

Yeah, I got the smokeless ash tray.

And did you not receive the vegetable peeler

of

Wait, I didn't get the peeler.

He took that away at the last minute.

Wait, what?

You didn't get the vegetable peeler?

No.

Then all is not lost for the town of Broken Taint.

In his very first contract,

the demon has inadvertently sanctioned his own undoing.

You are the chosen one.

You are the loophole.

You are the hero of heroes.

Oh, I don't know about all that.

Doesn't matter what you know, but know this.

You must return to where it all began.

You must play to your strengths,

and you must always remember that every deal,

every deal has an escape clause.

Can you say that again?

I only caught about half of that.

Go back to the fucking bar, you moron.

He's there right now.

That's freakin' disgusting.

Ugh, remind me to never get my palm read.

That devil done fucked up my town,

and he dare show his face in my bar?

That sorry son of a bitch is gonna regret the day

he ever shook my hand.

Oh, I love you, Bubba.

You sound just like one of them comic book heroes.

Through the darkest night, and evil's might

a hero will rise, uh,

to kick some ass!

So Cletus, you're kind of a fixture here

at the old Beelzebub.

So tell me, what do you want in life?

I'd say my left testicle,

but I'm better off without it.

What?

A man wants both his balls.

Makes the testosterone flow.

Doesn't matter anyway.

My dick don't get hard no more.

They got little blue pills for that.

Oh, I tried that, don't work.

So you want your mojo back.

Eh, can't have sex anyway, doctor's orders.

Yeah, I gots the hip problems.

So a hip fix, boner city,

and one brand-spanking new testicle.

Can't walk too good.

Got the bunions.

Right, bunions be gone,

hips fixed, erection-town, and a mountain oyster.

And with that, I still got the swollen prostate.

Okay, a weiner, extra stiff,

with a re-whipped hip, hold the bunions,

and a side of ripened gonad.

That's a very generous offer, but

won't do me no good anyhow.

I gots the OCD, the ADD,

the AT&T and Verizon's my internet provider.

Okay, that's it, hey, Clovis.

How you know my name?

I know everyone's name, booger boy.

Quit pickin' your nose and pointin' at your brain

and why don't you just tell me

what you want out of life.

Well, I could really use a cold beer.

Seriously?

That's it?

Yep.

What an ass.

I wouldn't drink that if I were you.

Oh, the prodigal puppy returns.

I thought you'd be on your honeymoon by now.

I had somethin' I had to take care of first.

Rip his head off, Bubba.

Chop him up, Bubba.

Give him hell, Bubba.

Is this seriously some kind of challenge?

You had your fun, lawyer boy.

We don't take kindly to cityfolk

meddlin' with the way of things around here.

We don't want no part of your frachimization.

You can take your hell , and shove it.

You tell him, Bubba.

Et tu, Bubba?

After all I've done for you?

What's your fight in this?

My town, my rules, I fight for them.

Hey, you can't make an omelet

without breakin' a few eggs.

I fuckin' hate omelets.

Hey, hold on big guy, hold on.

If we're gonna do this, let's do it like men.

Dueling pistols at 10 paces,

or how 'bout a sword fight?

Saws?

Slingshots?

Strippers?

Old school, new school and fresh from reform school.

So, what's it gonna be?

Play to your strengths, Bubba.

Remember?

I said that earlier.

Right.

I choose

quarters.

For all the souls in Broken Taint,

if I win, you tear up all the contracts

and you never step foot in Cracker County again.

Hmm, fine.

And if I win,

I get to marry

Cletus.

I wonder where the devil'd take you for your honeymoon?

Probably someplace nice.

Ow!

Even though my bridal showers would probably kick ass,

I don't know if my ass could take it.

I'm trustin' ya, Bubba Beauregard Blanch.

I'm trustin' you with my corn hole.

Deal.

May the best monster win.

House rules.

No mercy.

First one off this chair loses.

Now this is my daddy's own garage-made moonshine,

guaranteed at 200 proof

with some gasoline sterno and nitroglycerin

for that little extra kick.

Ha.

I brought my own patented hellshine,

666 proof, distilled directly from the blood, tears

and yes, the ball sweat of the damned.

Oh, man.

That's what you wanted that for?

I can make more if you need it.

Begin!

Drink.

Shit.

Shit.

Did y'all eat anything before he came in here today?

On the way over, Bubba ate a liberal Democrat.

Oh, good.

Yes, drink asshole.

But I didn't get it in.

You was takin' too long.

Ow!

All right.

Time to break out the good stuff.

Well, it's not called spirits for nothin'.

You can do it, Bubba.

No pressure but, you're my man and I'm countin' on you,

and if he wins, he's gonna use Drunk Cletus

like a blow-up doll in a prison full of sex perverts.

No pressure.

Don't worry, Bobbie Jo.

I got this.

Keep the liquor flowin', big guy.

That stuff, oh god.

That stuff's pretty good.

You's ain't beatin' me.

Not even close.

You think you're all big and bad and scary and shit,

but this here,

this is a drinkin' game.

Makes us equal.

Pals, even.

Big ole, buddy ole, pal-y, pal, pal.

I'm startin' to like you.

That doesn't count.

I didn't fall out of my chair.

He pushed me.

That was a straight up fist bump, 100% legal.

You're out of the chair, you're out of the game.

Did I win?

Yes, you did, Wolfie.

Whew.

My corn hole is safe.

Yes, but at what cost?

Aw, shit.

You fucking imbeciles,

you can't beat me on a technicality.

But you made Bubba a deal.

Then show me the fucking contract.

For the love a,

I have seriously, seriously had it

with all your rules and regulations.

If I can't fight you like a man,

then I'll fight you like a wolf.

My turn.

Bubba, Bubba, Bubba.

Don't you remember, I made you,

and I can destroy you just as easily.

Wait.

What?

My soul for his life.

Well, that's more like it.

Bobbie Jo, no.

You did it for me, Bubba.

Let me do it for you.

You can learn a lot from this one.

There's a new way of things in Cracker County,

and y'all best get in line.

Remember,

every deal has an escape clause.

Were you even fucking listening before?

Wait.

The escape clause.

What was that?

The escape clause.

Every deal's got one.

Every deal.

And I should tell you because?

Aren't you lawyer types always obligated

to explain all the loopholes and shit whenever asked?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

And no extra fees.

Yes, okay, what the fuck?

It makes very little difference anyway,

'cause there's only one way to get your contracts

and send me back to hell.

You've got to guess my name.

My real name.

Is your name John?

No.

Is it Mark?

No.

How 'bout Susan?

Susan?

Susan's a girl's name.

Mitch?

Who the hell would name their kid Mitch?

Look, people, you're never gonna get it,

so you might as well give up trying.

I know.

It's Rumpelstiltskin.

Seriously?

I know you, man.

That's three times in one week.

You're Bladdarick Junior Adolfo Italicus

Joanna Rasputenstein the Third, Junior.

What?

No.

No!

No one in a million years has ever,

No, no!

I'll get you for this, Bubba.

I'll see you rot in hell.

Ahh!

Shit.

Way to drink, my hairy friend.

I knew you could do it, Bubba.

Here you go, losers.

Well, I'm off to go uh,

Play slots.

Yeah, that.

I have my family back.

We learned so much.

I am so fucking outta here.

Biker Bob.

How did you know the devil's real name?

The master of the two-stroke engine knows many things,

and that was one of 'em.

Free drinks for,

free Cornstock Light for everyone.

I'm cured!

You sure were a sight to see back there, Bubba.

I pretty much just got drunk and knocked out.

Yeah, but you stood up to him.

You stood up for yourself, for me,

for all of us.

And you sold your soul to the devil

for me.

Makes you feel good, don't it?

Sure does.

Now could you, you know, do it for me again?

Please?

Just one more time.

Bobbie Jo, I'm plenty tired.

Please?

Pretty please with a cherry on top?

I'll do that thing that made your leg shake again.

Ah, all right.

Another sensation.

Another darkness.

What is it this time, Mama?

Yes, no, wait.

No, yes, yes.

No, just gas this time.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

♪ Well I met a man down in Cracker County

♪ Who chased his dogs away

♪ Who's had to go fuckin' nuts on Friday

♪ And Bubba is his name

♪ Well they say he's lazy and good for nothin'

♪ And he'll prove every word you say

♪ But you mess with him, his beer or his friends

♪ There'll be hell to pay

♪ That is Bubba, redneck werewolf

♪ Yes, it's Bubba, redneck werewolf

♪ Well all he owns is his trailer

♪ And his hat and a pickup truck

♪ That day he turned into a wolf

♪ Was a big change to his luck

♪ He might not be much smarter

♪ But you best stay out of his way

♪ So if you mess with him, his beer or his friends

♪ There'll be hell to pay

♪ That is Bubba, redneck werewolf

♪ Yes it's Bubba, redneck werewolf

♪ Well that's the tale of Bubba

♪ A man unto his own

♪ If you're feelin' mighty froggy

♪ Then I want to make it known

♪ If you're thinkin' 'bout headin' down

♪ Round about Bubba's way

♪ Don't mess with him, his beer or his friends

♪ 'Cause there'll be hell to pay

♪ That is Bubba, the redneck werewolf

♪ Yes, it's Bubba, redneck werewolf

♪ Hey, it's Bubba, redneck werewolf

♪ Hey, it's Bubba, redneck werewolf