Original subtitles

Are you losing control, Commissioner?

I don't answer that sort of question.

A year ago, Commissioner, you promised new faces, a new approach.

But on corruption, on racial diversity,

on the use of lethal force, it's business as usual, isn't it?

Uh-uh. Next question.

You've not had a kiss of the Blarney Stone this morning, Commissioner.

What exactly have you been kissing? Excuse me?

Well, have you been kissing the arse of the Home Secretary?

Have you not had your hands down a number of big boys' trousers,

looking to keep them sweet? Yeah, all right, Tom, knock it off.

Commissioner, you've got to respond. Just let him have it.

No. I have not been tugging off politicians for influence.

Changing times. New ideas. Big challenges.

London is safe. Big Ben's on time.

The Beefeaters are fucking the ravens. All's well.

Thank you and good morning. Commissioner, I think you need to...

Thank you. Incredibly useful.

I have always rehearsed my CEOs for big set pieces

and it has always been beneficial.

Today's hearing with the deputy mayor will be tough.

You need a new strategy. I have a strategy for the committee.

I give them nothing. Yeah, that's passive and defensive.

Things are changing. Everything's always changing.

I remember when it was Monday, now it's Tuesday.

Yeah, don't patronise me, Commissioner.

You are very plausible when you come out fighting.

You don't like a question that was asked?

Paraphrase it to answer one we do like. Basic, yeah?

OK. Fair dos. Point taken. Excuse me, I have a lot on my plate.

Two steaks, fish supper and a Subway foot-long shit sandwich on my plate.

I understand. All I'm saying is we should be like,

"Hold on. Didn't order the shit sandwich."

If you give me the time I can help you. Sure, OK.

Let's schedule 20 minutes before the committee, Tom.

And what about you, Liz? Settling in OK?

Yeah. Good. My refrigerator is...

You don't need to know this, but it buzzes like, "zzz",

really loud while I'm trying to sleep. OK, that's bad.

I'll be round at 2200 hours to fix it. Oh, well...

I don't know if that would be... I'm joking, Liz.

Right.

No, me too.

Oh, my God! All right. So girls, girls. Fuck work...

Hello, pavement!

Mia, hey!

Liz! Brilliant! You came? Erm, yeah, are you kidding?

I... you said, so I thought... Ladies, I give you Liz Garvey.

Head of Communications at Scotland Yard. Oh, fuck that shit.

I'm just Liz. Get another one down you, boss.

So, presumably you do know other people in London?

Oh, yeah. Loads.

Well, some. One, really. Er... a guy.

I don't know what went on. I guess he was a boyfriend.

So, what, did he head-fuck you?

He was more of a fuckhead, than a head-fuck.

Oh, a head-fuck and a fuckhead. Hubba-hubba!

Can I have his number?

You are welcome to it!

It's like, why are we even in communications? Is she OK?

Because we are in an information revolution.

If it was 1815 we'd be running the rail roads. Yeah.

It's like the footage of the police shooting at the takeaway.

Don't embargo that, put it out there. Yeah.

Ask Joe Public, what would they have done?

I mean, that's a huge perception shift.

It's really, really, interesting(!)

And the commissioner, it has to go from him grilling me to me preparing him.

He's a brand and he's reluctant to sell himself because he's a part of

"generation reluctant to accept the commodification of the self",

like that hasn't been happening since Napoleon.

And I am talking so much work shit on your one night off and I need to stop.

Liz, fuck work...

Hello, pavement!

Hmm. That's not so bad.

And this is live, is it? Ow.

It's pretty much live. There's a three minute delay or so.

But it's great function, isn't it? Brilliant function.

It's all part of our Securamax service.

Also nice to think he's probably over the worst.

It was three minutes ago. Yeah, he'll be fine. Is he?

OK, it's not nice but bottom line, is it a riot?

Because our view, and I've had this direct from HQ,

is that it's not a riot.

Well, it's a disturbance. It's definitely a disturbance, I'd say.

No-one's saying it's not a disturbance. Disturbance is fine.

Look, I don't want to put pressure on you.

Terms of Securamax contract, I'm asking you.

If it's a riot, we say it's a riot, and the firm takes a hit.

In my opinion, what we're looking at here is a severe disturbance.

Quite. It'll burn itself out. It is tiring, fighting.

Yeah, the arms will tire eventually.

Drop the weapon! Drop the weapon!

Hi, Warwick. Sorry to keep you waiting. Liz Garvey. Hi.

So, the reason I've got you in to see me is because it involves

the incident you were involved in, the discharging of...

When I shot that bloke. Exactly, when you shot that bloke.

So the footage of it gives a really good vibe

of how it must have felt to you.

Before I give it to news agencies I want you to watch it here

with me to be sure you're comfortable with it.

I shot him. I think I can cope, Ms Garvey. OK, great.

Then I'll just take a look.

Armed police! Armed police! Drop the weapon! Drop the weapon!

I'm going to stop it before it gets to the...

Oh! Fuck!

Sorry, I missed it. We'll pixelate, obviously.

Why? Is that to protect me or just cos I'm so ugly?

Look, some people don't trust us.

They think we've a bunch of trigger happy meat-heads on the team.

But this took judgment and skill. It looks great for us.

That's why I want to put this out. Shame he didn't have a gun.

Yeah, well. It looks like he had a gun.

Yeah, see? That's what I thought.

We've been getting emergency calls from the surrounding housing.

The residents near the prison are beginning to panic.

What's going on in there? I don't want to go into too much detail. No?

And I don't want the GP to put that brush up my vagina

when I get my smear test but that's the procedure.

We're not currently requesting police assistance under the terms of our contract.

We have officers at the heart of the disturbance, ready to reassert total control.

And out of interest, why don't they?

Uh-huh. Well, what's on fire? No people are on fire, are they?

Sure. No, I get it.

It has become necessary to request assistance.

Yep. Hmm-mm. Yeah.

Tom, can you get into my diary? All my medical appointments

doctor, physio - can you delete them?

Can I technically, or ethically, or physically? What's the question?

No, sure. Very good. And can I ask why?

Yes. For a reason. Excellent. Thank you.

And you don't want to ask your secretary yourself?

I don't want it to happen. I just want it to have happened. All right?

Disturbance at Craven Wood Youth Offenders.

Securamax were trying not to trigger penalties.

But now they're calling us in. Everyone all right? Guards, kids?

Yeah, minor injuries. I'd like to deploy TSG for perimeter control

and potential intervention assistance.

OK. Deploy the reserve.

With all due haste bearing in mind our other responsibilities.

Absolutely, Commissioner. Fuck them.

Will you get down there, Sharon, make sure it plays right? Sure.

Tom, get me Liz.

Now good? Yeah, good. Come in.

I just wanted to catch up. Have a seat. Hmm-mm.

OK, look, Finn.

I know I took your job but I am not going to pretend.

I don't like you. It's great to see you too.

And you don't like me. Only everything I know about you.

You know, Adolf Hitler would sometimes appoint two people to do the same job.

Then he'd just see who was best, who fought it out.

Great manager, great guy. What I'm saying is let's not fight.

Yeah? Let's harness our different talents.

OK, Liz. Can I just be really open and honest with you?

An interesting question, you've never previously tried.

It was hard for me when I didn't get the promotion.

You're funny, you're good at the job, you're talented,

you're young, you're v-... very attractive...

You had me at "good at the job". Let's do it right here.

And things have been hard for me and Sarah.

She wants to be in the country,

she wants to be in a bigger house in the country.

The commute's killing me, then, suddenly, bang!

She hates the country. That's hard.

I mean, it's not Gaza, it's Hertfordshire. But, still.

So, yeah, maybe off the back of that I have been a little...

.. brittle.

But, yeah. Let's give it a go, yeah.

Yeah. OK.

Bad news, mate. What?

You got a bounty on your head.

What?

Yeah, Catford mob have put a bounty on you, mate. A grand.

What? It can't be true -

I don't think there's a grand in the whole of Catford.

Yeah, sorry, Warwick. That bloke you put out of the picture -

Brother-in-law thinks he's wide.

He's not. He's just some pub arsehole.

Apparently they got wound up by the video.

It's up?! How did it...? Already?

Internet, mate - It might be the new thing?

Brilliant(!)

I hope they put a link up to me house on Google Maps and all.

A grand? I'd pop you for a tenner.

Always the way, mate.

In the orchestra of life SC019 are the piccolo players -

always getting fucked by the top brass.

Tony, that is profound... ly shit.

Fuck off.

I'm going to put a fucking bounty on your banter, mate.

So, Robbie, will there be a big bastard anvil

cracking your head like a melon?

Or a Samurai sword up your jacksie?

I'm laughing(!) I actually find this really funny(!)

Come on, guys give me more(!) Oh, you're definitely going to die.

Prison riot, plus it's your last day before you head off

for weapons training, mate. It's guaranteed.

Could it be one of those really sad, weird ones?

Dickhead throws a brick, you duck, wasp flies in your mouth,

stings you and your throat closes up.

Or a nutjob ties your dick in a knot

and you drown in piss from the inside.

Can we get a move on? It's going to take hours at this rate.

No drama.

Nope. No lights - that's the order.

Looks like a long one. Hard on the family, is it?

What are you missing out tonight, then?

Um, feet in the foot spa, curry on the lap.

Me? Um, Tuesdays I'm swimming, normally.

Hey, Robbie. Got a message for you, mate. "Good luck tonight."

"See you down the prison riot."

"I'm going to do you with a broken bottle. Love, the Grim Reaper."

I don't understand it. Does it mean anything to you?

You're a funny guy, ain't you(?)

Well, police officers are now arriving

at the Craven Wood Youth Offenders' Institution after what we believe

to be an outbreak of rioting.

Now, Securamax - that's the company, the security company,

that holds the contract to police this institution -

they're the ones that called in the police to try to calm the situation.

We've also had reports of people being held hostage

inside the institute, but as of yet these reports are unconfirmed.

Just to let you know, Richard wanted to put something out on this.

You?

Or you. You were on a call. I'm telling you now.

OK. What?

Just the line on the riot. "We're here when needed."

Subtext - we don't have an axe to grind on privatisation.

But, poking a cheeky nipple out of the top of the subtext -

Do you really want to privatise the cops?

End up with some knobhead in a bib letting Al-Qaeda

play swing ball with a nuke around Nelson's Column?

Please don't use the word "nipple" around me. I find it offensive.

I'm sorry.

I'm fucking with you, Finn. That sounds good.

I don't know. Are people going to make the connection?

Because this is prison privatisation - not police.

First they came for the prison service and we didn't give a shit

because they're wankers. Then they came for the traffic wardens

and everyone was still very much, "Meh - fuck 'em."

And then they came for us, and there was no-one left to give a toss.

All right, but I only trust you, me,

or Mia to deliver that line to the media.

Teamwork.

It's a great time to get the private sector to back off, by the way.

Rumour has it Securamax are trying to poach some of our top talent.

Can't have people robbing from the police, now, can we?

Do you think I have a particular stance?

Like, the way my knees go? I'm distinctive, aren't I?

Not really, mate.

Just the hard-on before you shoot unarmed members of the public.

'Trojan 133. To confirm, lone, armed male.

'Bishop's House, Wandsworth, third floor.

'IC1 caller described it as an Uzi-type shotgun.'

Trojan 133. On it.

Uzi shotgun? Fucking hope not.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? A trap.

A trap - because?

Well, they're not going to hit me in Catford, are they? It's too obvious.

Oh, right. No, sure, mate. No.

Let's, er... let's keep an eye out on that front.

Everything seems to be quietening down.

We think it's going to burn itself out.

I don't think we have any such intelligence. That's not what I'm hearing.

Fine, well, let's just make sure we're on the same page.

We at the Mayor's office would love to have a clear communications

message on the root of all this.

Briefing against the private sector -

does that look like you're picking a fight with us?

Ah, they've twisted that.

I'll get on them. That's bad.

Thank you. Obviously, we don't have an axe to grind,

but it would be great to get a senior face out there just squashing

any notion that privatisation or staffing is the root cause

of the disturbance at Crane Wood Youth Offenders' Institution.

Agreed.

Well, I... can do that.

Securamax staffing levels are not an issue, as far as we're aware.

Ma'am, the inmates say they have the guards hostage. And do they?

Well, they have people in a secure room.

The firm say the staff are monitoring the inmates,

but the inmates are of the view that the staff are hostages.

Is it airtight? It may not be airtight, but,

I mean, what can they do -

suck all the air out with a straw?

Fart them out?

What's that coming underneath the door? Yeah. What is that?

'Lighter fuel. They said it was lighter fuel.'

Get out of there. Get out of there. Is it definitely...? Hold on.

'Open the door!' No. Can you taste it?

Wait. It's water. It's water!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, good. Yeah, they're in. That's great. Well done.

Hmm.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

And a swift end to this is what we're all hoping for.

Lid on press. Boot up the kids.

You know, Finn, you're all over this.

Why don't we get you down on the scene,

make sure everything stays nice and tight? I want my best brain on it.

And regarding this...

Interesting ideas. Let's keep working on that.

Thank you.

(Thank you. We managed quite well there.)

Looking forward to getting your hands on a weapon, Robbie?

Can't wait. But right now it's all about the nuggets.

Everyone's got to do the 100 nuggets on their last day, Matt.

Right, come on. Get those chicken arseholes down you.

Matt, a quick word?

Yeah, have a look at that first.

Is that it? Oh, that's easy, is it? Of course.

So how you doing so far - got much usable?

Er, bits and bobs, you know.

That stuff - "Tuesday nights, boring night" - any good to you?

Er, I don't know. Maybe, maybe not.

Don't take the piss. That is NOT a nugget factory.

There's nothing. I'm worried about it, technically.

Whether it's too dark.

I'm concerned regarding the light.

Mate, what? Oh, fuck off, then. Clarkey, what...?

Look, mate, it's Davina.

Apparently she's got a cheeky one.

She's on a foreigner.

She's riding someone?

Yeah! And Tuesday night's ride night, apparently.

She tells her old man she sees her sister,

but she panicked on camera, and... she can't even swim.

So it's a bit of an issue, her saying swimming.

Oh, right, right. Who's she riding?

I don't know. Some hunk of spunk.

So, for her, can you cut it?

Mm.

Look, I mean, that's just random nastiness now.

'The situation is definitely tense, and it's not clear

'whether the inmates have any specific demands.

'It's also not clear whether the situation was made worse

'by the fact that Securamax - now, that's the company

'in charge of running the institute, are understaffed,

'or whether this was just a spontaneous outbreak of violence.

Mm-hm. Yep. Yeah. Patrick and

the Mayor are very keen to be kept abreast. Is it resolved yet?

Yes. You can tell them I've sorted it.

Ooh. We've sorted it, apparently.

He says, "Cool. Brilliant."

Yes, I've agreed they can have a 24-hour titty bar and a rock

of crack the size of Gibraltar. Is that "cool"?

No. He's joshing, Patrick.

That was... That was pure josh.

Um, but the headline is, "We'll let you know." That was the...

that was the point of josh. We'll call you. Cheers, mate.

'Of course, there will be an enquiry but, at the moment,

'we cannot pinpoint any spark. To the best of our assessment,

'Securamax were doing a good job at this facility.'

Yeah, so he's been sounded out to join Securamax.

"'Anyone who says otherwise really should wait..."

Charlie?

Who, Charlie?

How did you get this?

I know their head of recruitment from business school.

Inglis has been to their Glasgow headquarters three times.

Oh, Charlie. You've dipped your dick in the Moulinex now.

'Thank you very much.'

Can you look after the car, please, fellas?

Armed police! Can you open up for me!

Everything's fine, thanks. There was a man, but he's gone.

I'm fine now, goodbye!

I need to see you! Can you open up for me, please?

Hello?

Armed police.

We need to search the premises.

If you do not respond we are going to have to make a forced entry.

Can I have a word?

You all right, mate?

I've got this chair from one of those online things.

I can't put it together. I don't think they put er...

What's that thing that's not a screwdriver?

An Allen key?

No, not that.

So I want to make a complaint.

Front door! Let's have it.

I'll lock down this whole situation, yeah?

They messed up my prescription at Londis.

They don't pay any duty because they're Poles.

Stop or we'll shoot!

Armed police!

Stop!

Armed police! Stop! Fuck's sake.

Come here. Come here.

Fucking arsehole.

Good luck, pal(!)

Unarmed male heading out of Bishop's House towards A23.

His head's not right, man.

Who? Warwick?

The bounty's given him the yips.

They've got hostages.

What are they saying?

'This is Guard Gabriel Peters.

'The message I have from the inmates is that they wish to speak to

'Holly Willoughby.'

We're working on it. We're working on it.

'And they want pizzas.'

Joey Barton's said on Twitter he's willing to be an intermediary.

'They say that if they don't get pizza,

'they will stuff one of us with cheese

'up the anus and cook us and eat us.'

Tell them we would advise against eating a guard.

Look, we'll get you some pizzas.

'They say they want naan breads. And onion bhajis.

'Hold on, I'm getting lots of requests.

'40 bargain buckets. 20 ham and mushroom.

'Stuffed crust.'

Not stuffed crust. That's taking the piss.

'They say no anchovies or someone lose their finger.'

Did they say that?

'Yeah!'

OK. Sit tight. Tell them we're sending in pizzas.

We need to make an intervention plan.

I've received a credible threat.

Stuffing him with cheese and eating him?

No cheese could realistically be inserted up an anus. I don't know.

Reckon I could do it with a wedge of Parmesan and a lump hammer.

'Fucking hell. Fucking time wasters. Fucking hell. Step away from the...

'Fucking. Fucking... Fucking lamppost. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck off.

'I'll be tooled up.

'I will ver-ver-verbally dominate you...'

All right, guys?

So, listen, we were very excited

with the off-the-record material you sent us.

Yeah? You liked it? Oh, we loved it, Matt. Yeah.

What we were wondering, was whether or not

we could get hold of not just a copy, but the original material?

Yeah? Why? To look at it more. Properly. The original.

I mean what were your plans for it, Matt?

All right, look. Here's my thinking.

I get together enough material of Robbie off the cuff

and I basically put together a feature.

Directed by me, produced by you. Indie shit. Under the radar.

We break out. Sundance, festivals, online.

Bang. The real story.

OK, I have a thought... Yeah, I have a thought.

Cool, I'll put my thought on ice.

My thought is this is fucking bullshit.

You're grabbing your hair, cutting your neck, pulling your head off

and going, "Look what I've done." That is a concern.

But we're happy to talk about it, aren't we?

To be honest. No. No, I don't want to talk about it.

I want you to delete it.

The police lay us golden eggs every day.

Rule one - do not fuck the golden goose.

You know, you hump the golden goose, you're going to get golden egg

on your dick, smashed.

You know, same pipe...

probably. Isn't it?

Sure. No, I get it. Yeah.

Course you do. Because you're a fucking grown-up.

Hey, Finn. We're about to go into committee.

Everything tight? Yeah, Liz. No worries.

We on message? Situation stable. Anything I need to know about?

No, it's definitely still going to be all going on here when he's in front of the committee.

Yep. Sharon's playing a blinder.

I've got the line.

Yeah, laters.

All right, hi, sorry.

So, joint Prison Service and Police operation

in conjunction with Securamax. Everything's going smoothly.

And what's the timeframe. You going in soon?

Yeah, we're going in at exactly... Fuck off, Harry.

Operational details are confidential.

But between us? Can you piss off to the pub? No.

Will we go in right away? No. No. The assessment is not.

What's the background?

They're bad lads. But we can cope. Off the record? Deep background.

Personal opinion - definitely not a MET briefing -

the private outfit are a shower of shite.

The mayor's pushing to go in way too soon.

Good bloody job we're here to hold things steady. But that's just me.

Any colour for us? They want to talk via Holly Willoughby.

We're sending some pizzas in. What toppings?

I don't bloody know. Martha, what toppings?

Er, a few margheritas, a few ham and mushroom.

Here, feast on that, John Pilger. What sort of ham?

Oh, I see. Yeah. Regular, basic ham.

All right? We're not pampering these lads.

Headline for me is "Cool Heads Of Police Hold The Line."

But that's just me.

Liz.

Liz, just a quick one on the down low.

But I'm a little bit concerned there might be

an issue around Richard's health. Yeah?

Yeah. He's eager to keep something quiet.

And I think it's beholden on us,

Gaddafi's Amazon Virgins

so to speak, to try to keep him out of stressful situations.

Out of stressful situations? Yeah.

He's the head of London police, Tom.

His scrotum is the mayor's stress ball.

Your briefing notes, Commissioner.

Commissioner. Normal stone-wall on policy, is it?

Just facts and figures?

Yeah, just a quick one, Charlie, in case it comes up.

I'm not going to find you jumping ship in the next 12 to 18 am I? Eh?

What's this nonsense?

I've signed nothing with anyone.

OK, well I'm finding this increasingly reassuring.

What if I refuse to incriminate myself?

What if I went a bit 1970 West Midlands Serious Crime Squad

and asked you to come for a walk with me?

Look, Richard, off the record, I'm in a tough spot.

You're in situ. You're not going anywhere, thank God.

And I don't want to go to West Mercia, hunting paedos

and sheep rustlers, I want the top job,

but sometimes you wonder if your face fits, you know what I mean?

So, yes, in my shoes, wouldn't you be tempted?

Don't play me like a fucking prick.

I'm sorry?

I'm talking quietly now because I do not want to lose my temper.

Well, I appreciate that.

We put you up to deliver a line which backed a private company,

who in my personal opinion are a bunch of trouser-stuffing,

arse-licking, penny-pinching clown-fuckers,

and they want to come after a slice of my pie, all right?

Well, I think that's a bit harsh. Yeah, well.

You were the face of this force.

What if you go and someone makes the link? That's not going to happen.

Thanks for looking into your crystal fucking ball.

But why don't you sit on it? Cos here's the thing -

I'm on 24-hour-a-day storm watch, yeah?

I sleep like a cokey meerkat on an electric fence - that's me relaxing.

I've got a map inside my head of all the trouble in the world

and you just popped up on the radar like Godzilla's hard-on.

And I will cut you loose and watch you burn if you

ever, ever fuck me again, Charlie, all right?

Commissioner. How are you?

Your boys took a bit of a beating in mid-week, didn't they?

Have you got your shin pads, Charlie.

Deputy mayor's mob need you for centre-half.

Yeah.

Break-out. Inmates are through in a cordon and heading for perimeter.

We're launching the drone for perimeter surveillance.

Drone now activated. And airborne.

Nugget 41.

Oh, the 42nd nugget is the hardest nugget.

They call that one The Wall.

'All TSG units. Break-out assistance required.'

464. Got it. That's us.

Break-out. All right, you heard the man.

Are you serious? I'm on 42 nuggets.

That's got to be at least two chickens. I'm halfway!

Break-out, break-out, break-out. Perimeter fence north.

Ten or more young offenders over the fence.

Repeat - break-out, break-out, break-out. Perimeter fence north.

IC1, IC3, IC4 males scattering now.

Breaking north, east and west. Immediate action. All TSG...

Good afternoon, Commissioner.

And welcome to the Mayor's Committee on London Policing.

And can I just start by asking you to acknowledge that the great

force you lead today probably commands less trust than it

has ever commanded in its whole history?

It's very nice to see you too.

And given that state of affairs, as most people see them,

can I just ask your personal opinion on some police functions

being operated under contract by private firms?

You'll understand if I don't get into policy discussions.

And is that just your fancy way of saying no?

Because this committee is tired of you saying one thing in public

and another in private.

Oosh! That's what I said to my ex.

I made him cry in the end.

If you want an example of us doing our job

and the private sector doing theirs,

then Craven Wood at this very minute... Yes.

Are you aware there's been a break-out through police lines

at Craven Wood Youth Offenders Institution?

Is that true? Why don't we know that? Uh...

I can't comment on operational matters.

No.

Why hasn't this prison riot been resolved yet?

Well, I think I just answered that.

That's like a French 14-year-old.

Are you perhaps letting this disturbance continue today

in order to pursue a personal campaign against privatisation

in the public service?

No. Got to hit back on that.

Right, we're off perimeter and looking for the break-out.

Don't know who or how many, so take it easy, yeah? Pairs.

Robbie, wait up!

Yeah, jog on!

Yeah, Robbie. I reckon I know how you're going to die.

Shitting a chicken torpedo.

Commissioner, privatisation of non-core operations

will make your force more efficient. And if you don't embrace it, well,

police stations will close under your tenure.

Police officers will lose their jobs and all because you refuse

to allow your force to move into the current century.

And I think it's time you stepped up or stepped down.

I'm sorry, do you want me to respond?

I didn't think there was a question there.

Funny?

No.

Fuck. Matt!

Matt... Matt, hel... Matt, help me!

Argh!

Boom! Sit down.

On the floor. Hands out. There we go, sunshine.

I fucking have you.

Argh!

Thanks for helping me!

Move the fucking camera!

Jesus Christ.

Very well handled. Couple of issues.

He shafted me with a scaffold pole.

Just have a few deep breaths, Commissioner.

Shut up, you fucking yoghurt.

Nothing personal, Richard. It's just the agenda. No offence.

Well, it's fine, Grant. None taken.

It's just a situation. It will pass. Relax.

Relax? Here's what I want done.

I want Grant Delgado stripped jack naked and I want his bollocks nailed

to the wall and I want to see him spin by them like a Catherine Wheel.

No. I should have been prepared for that.

I tried to prepare you. Not enough.

There's a couple of kids who need medical attention at

the Institution, sir. Sharon wanted to let you know we're going in.

If you go in now it looks like you're caving to Grant. Yeah?

So we let the kids bleed out for the big win?

I'm just telling you how it will play. Thank you.

We're going in.

I was filming, mate. Doing my job.

It was two against one. We could have had him.

I'm not a cop. It was one against one, and one other one.

First rule of Fight Club, if there's a fight, you're in the Fight Club.

So start punching someone, you fucking bitch.

David Attenborough wouldn't

stop filming to help an antelope getting mashed up by a lion.

But he wasn't a lion. I'm the lion.

And I was doing my job.

A proper job.

What?

This is a proper job.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, course it is. What, media wanker, is it?

Don't worry about us. We're just the meat you throw in the machine,

we're the ones who get chewed up.

"Oh, look there's a gap in the wall, there's shit pouring through."

"Don't worry, we'll just stuff some fucking cop in there."

If I get my spare battery, could you say that again?

All right. Tornado have requested assistance. Joint operation.

Full kit, long shields.

Brass are sending us in.

Well, I guess this is it, Rob.

You're bound to cark it - sod's law.

Hope you don't mind if Clarkey isn't a coffin-bearer.

Yeah, dicky back.

Plus, I never liked you.

Finn, Richard got side-swiped. He got fucked by a big, boring ninja.

'Yeah, uh-huh?'

Listen, the line to take on Grant Delgado is that he's anti-cop.

That he's lost it. That he's a bottom feeder.

Hold on a second.

Hello? 'Yeah, hello. Ms Garvey?'

Yeah, who is this? Just want to let you know it's been a great day.

Thanks for putting the shooting out there.

And I've got a bounty on me head now, so that's exciting, isn't it?

Yeah, if I go down, well...

you've got blood on your hands, haven't you?

So, yeah, have a good one. All right? Cheerio.

Right you are. We're on it.

So we've got an injured horse in Dulwich Park.

Vet's stuck in the south circular.

Yeah, we're going James Herriot death squad.

Spring Watch 2 - The Reckoning.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

I honestly didn't think she'd come.

Will you just say sorry to them for me?

No, she's fine, she's nice.

Stop laughing. I like her, I do.

I'll just tell her that Gina's birthday's cancelled.

I'll have a lunch with her or something.

We'll have an Evian and talk about 360-degree communication.

Yeah. All right, then.

Reporting restrictions are in place regarding the ongoing operation

here at the Craven Wood Youth Offenders Institute.

What's going on, Finn?

Where are my pictures? We're going in, yeah? Yes.

Yes, so I want to see our guys doing their stuff.

'I need the world to see us saving the day from these Securamax pillow-fuckers.'

Yeah? Let a news crew film the preparation for a live operation?

I really need it, Finn. Help me out on this one, yeah?

What, so inside they can get the garrottes ready?

I think they know we're coming, so...

This is operationally sensitive, Liz.

My, what big words you use.

I want those pictures.

No, I'm on the ground. I'm making a call.

Yeah, and I am the boss and this day has been fucked

and I want my going-home present.

And so does Richard, so fucking deliver. Good night.

With reports of serious injuries inside,

it looks like the authorities are saying enough is enough.

From the north, Team Tornado are coming in and behind me here

you can see the Police Territorial Support Group...

'And behind me here you can see the Police Territorial Support Group

'gearing up for an intervention.'

Fucking baton bullshit.

This time tomorrow, it'll be bullets all the way.

No tomorrow for you, mate.

They're gonna shave you and shag you to death.

OK, visors down. Keep it tight. Work as a team.

In we go.

Police sources are telling us that because of their tactics

and their expertise, they don't really think many of the inmates

are going to put up much of a fight, if any at all.

Come on!

Come on, then!

Come on!

Here we go!

Reports of friction over

the timing of this operation between the police and the Home Office

have been described as "way off the mark".

Meanwhile, I am assured that the violence now has been subdued

and what's happening right now

is being described as "mopping up the last trouble-makers".

Forward!

Forward!

Ow! Fuck!

Man down! Rob's going down!

You all right, Robbie? You all right? Yeah! Course.

Get back! Get back!

Stay down.

Police sources have assured me that the operation

has been swift and effective.

As order is restored here at the facility,

a growing number of critics

are already saying that today's events call into question any future

plans for more private prisons and crucially, more private policing.

Fuck yes!

Let's take the trigger to trigger.

Tesco's! Incoming delivery!

I hope it doesn't give me long face.

Look are we doing this? Yea or "nei-ei-eigh?"

No need to shoot the stable door

after the, er, horse has been bolted.

Hmm...

Nah, no.

I can see what you're going for, and fair dos, but...

no.

So, Warwick. Are you all right to slot the gee-gee?

Tony don't fancy it.

Yeah. Probably one of his exes.

Got to know her on a dark night on the Highlands

over a can of Tennent's Super and a deep-fried ketamine.

Yeah, all right. Sure.

This should do it.

A fucking horse, though?

A horse is a thing, mate. That's the problem, shooting things.

Good man. How did it feel?

Yeah. Just...

Nothing.

Exactly. Precisely.

Well, guess this is farewell, dickheads.

We're so happy you're pissing off

we got you a "thank God you're pissing off" present. Yeah?

Oh, I love it.

Come here. Good luck, mate. Cheers.

Good luck, fanny-face.

Cheers, mate. Yeah, very nice. Can't wait to see you down training.

Filming you with your Glock in your hand? Is that right?

Don't say anything. Have a think.

Oh, I've had a think and I'm thinking...

fuck you!

See you later, Mr Bystander!

Nobbo! Come on, you faggot! Let's get you down to the pub, hey?

I thought you were gonna leave me in there.

They'd have had you. I know. I know.

Look, I had a word with Matt. I think we're safe. Good. Yeah.

But let's just give it a miss tonight, eh?

All right, dickhead?

You all right, knobhead?

You not seeing your sister? No.

No, too late.

Who's that? Did you buzz anyone in?

You didn't?

Hello? Who's that?

Delivery.

Hold on, mate.

How'd you get in? Who the fuck are you?

Who sent you? Warwick! Warwick! It's OK, I buzzed him in.

I'm sorry. The lads said it was a surprise.

Erm...

Here, take that.

Sorry, mate.

Oh, fuck. Fucking hilarious.

So, how do we think it went today?

Tough committee hearing.

But police pulled the fat out of the fire at the riots. Good pictures.

No comeback to the Deputy Mayor. Nice move.

Well, we could have emptied the files, but we're not the Stasi, so...

No. We're the holy choir of St Fuck Us Please Priory.

We tell the truth.

And we tell the truth and we tell the truth.

We're playing the long game.

Fucking long. When do we get the reward, in heaven?

"Here lies Richard Miller, disgraced in his lifetime,"

"now well respected here on Moon Base Alpha."

I don't know how long, but I know it's the only game in town.

Trust is all you have and it leaks and it leaks and it leaks

and it never comes back, and one day, if you piss it all away,

you put your foot on the gas and there'll be nothing.

Doors won't open. Mouths stay shut and then the whole thing collapses.

Liz, your transparency bollocks put officers in danger today.

Finn, you lack focus.

You let your emotions override your decision-making

and if you were any good you would have my job. Richard?

I'll walk you out.

You're a fake. You took my tip on Inglis and Securamax

and passed it off as your own.

Don't stay too late tonight, will you?

I am sure your wife is fucking everyone in your sad, little village.

Thanks. She's fictional, so...

That figures.

Good night. Good night.

The deputy mayor hurt me this afternoon, Liz.

We can't have many days like today.

You can't stop bad news, Richard. I thought we agreed on that?

Do you know what 98% right is in here?

Big fucking story in the 2%. Huge.

We have to get it all right, all the time.

We can't relaunch, move to India.

We have to repair the engine while it's still running at full throttle.

We have to change and stay the same.

That's obviously impossible.

Oh, yeah, it's impossible. No-one tell you that at the interview?

It's definitely fucking impossible.

'Yo, it's Granger. You know what to do.'

Hi, Granger, you big dope. It's Liz.

Garvey.

I know that we haven't spoken for years, but, erm...

I just wanted to call to say hello.

So... hello.

And, erm, give me a call some time, maybe.

Or not.

Don't. Probably.

OK, bye.

♪ My lifestyle's terribly wild

♪ But you'll never catch me on The Jeremy Kyle Show

♪ Explosive, terrorist style

♪ Don't think I'mma blow or get in therapy now

♪ I missed school and I haven't got a job yet

♪ My girl's pissed, my daughter's on the way

♪ I went clubbing till my world was revolving

♪ Pretty women and alcohol, eh

♪ I ride this motherfucking beat like a tractor

♪ I ride this motherfucking beat like a train

♪ Choo-choo, go hard, go faster... ♪