All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S03E15.No.One.Asked.About.Your.Medals.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Where are you from?

Blackwood, New Jersey.

That sounds like
a gun-slinging town.

Blackwood, New Jersey.

We live in the township,
so it's the eighth-largest

municipality in New Jersey.
- What do you?

Like a census taker?

You're 17?

Yes, I'm 17.

And you're 18.

Yes.

How did they meet?

Where do
people your age meet now?

My backyard.

Yeah, his backyard.

She was trying to
break into your house?

No, I--

I had a bonfire with
a lot of the friends

I made working at
Boy Scout Camp.

And then she showed up.

And it was the first
time I ever saw her.

Yeah.

Just thought she was the
prettiest girl in the world,

so--

How long have
you been together?

- Uh--
- Since then.

Uh, a year and--

almost five months.

1 year and 5 months.

Yes.

So you've been together
since you were 15.

Yeah.

It's like a lifetime
in high school years.

Would it surprise you if I
told you that the people I was

friendly with in
high school, I never

have anything to do with them.

I don't even know them.

I mean, I just shed
them like a skin.

How does that make you
feel about the chances

for your future?

Oof.

I'm going
to be very careful what I

say because you are very young.
You're 18.

- I'm 18.
- So you're of age.

Yes.

Is she taking
advantage of a minor?

His parents make fun of
me for that all the time.

OK, first off, no,
from a legal standpoint

because we were together
before she turned 18,

it is not illegal
in the least bit.

Of course, he knows the code.

Of course, you've got the
statute written on the lining

of your underpants.

All he does
is look stuff up.

Of your joke boxers.

You're going to college?
- Yes.

- And you're leaving him behind.
- Yes, I am.

You're leaving
him in Glendora.

I am.

The eighth-largest
municipality of New Jersey.

Gloucester Township.

Yes.

Are you going to
try to stay relatively

local when you go to college?
Or are you--

Oh, no, I'm out of here.

You're out--
you're out of here.

What does he think of that?

It's just if it's
what she wants to do,

it's what she wants to do.
I mean, I'm--

What are you going to do?

I don't know yet.

Are you going to
date other women?

No.
No.

Do they know what an
open relationship is?

You know what an open
relationship is, don't you?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

Yeah.
She knew.

She was quick to--
- I know what that is.

What are you going
to do when you go to college?

You're 18 years old and
some guy with a name

like Chad Worthington
comes down and--

- Wait.
- Yeah.

And
he's like completely

ripped and muscled up.

It's crazy that you said that.

Don't go stalking.

We were on a
college tour one day

and the night before,
he had a dream.

But I met a guy named Chad and I
broke up with him for that guy.

Chad Worthington.

I've seen-- I had the dream too.

That wasn't a dream,
that was a premonition.

What the hell do you think
we're doing in this car for?

It's really freaking weird!

I'm a relationship
expert, which

is based on a clairvoyant.

Right.

So I'm not allowed
to talk about sex

explicitly with you because
you're an underage or a child.

Talk to her, then.

So we're going to refer
to sex as like taking a nap.

- OK.
- Oh, my god.

We want to take a nap.

So when he wants to take
a nap, how does he let

you know that he
wants to take a nap.

Have you guys taken
a nap together?

Oh, my!

Are we
allowed to talk about this?

Do you Snapchat?

Not like that, no.

Usually just stupid stuff.

You don't Snapchat pictures
of yourself to each other?

No, because it's illegal.
It's illegal?

On both of our sides.

Are you going to law school
or what the hell is going on?

It's an option.
I want to be a park ranger.

You're very good.

You want to be a park ranger?

I want to be a
park ranger, yeah.

Do you
think you're in love?

- Yes.
- Yes.

You are?
- Yes.

How do you know?

What tells you you're in love?

When I'm mad at him
and the only person

I want to complain to is him.

You want to confide in him
about how much you hate him.

I love that.

It's like she is my best
friend in the entire world.

It's just-- it's-- it's great.

Like, she's the first
person I want to tell

if something bad happens.

The first person I want to
tell if something good happens.

She's like-- she's
my best friend.

Aw, that's cute.

Thank you both for doing this.

Thank you.

When you go to college,
text him every now and then.

I will.

Stay in touch because
he's a good guy.

I can't believe
you're quitting.

You love being out in the field
or the street or the sidewalk

or wherever the dog likes to go.

You know, things change.

People change.

I hate Dianne.

Hm.

Diane, I quit.

Is it because of me?

Yes.

I knew it!

I hate myself!

I hate myself!

- Oh, god.
- What?

What is it?

- Let's go a different way.
- Stop it, C.

I said we're going
a different way.

You're hurting me!

Well, if it isn't
Diane's dog walkers.

I thought I smelled stupid.

Hi, I'm John.

Hey.

This is John.

He's replacing me.

I quit.

He's probably
quitting because we

keep taking all their clients.

We get new clients all the time.

Mm.

We just got five new clients.

Wait, shut up, make
that seven new clients.

Wha-oh!

10 new clients.

Hup!

My brother is innocent.
- Aw!

Aw!

He hit a kid.

That's a load off.

Let me tell you something, kid.

If you want to walk the walk,
you got to walk the dogs.

For instance, we would
dog walk 500 miles,

and we would dog walk 500 more.

Because these dogs were made for
walking, and that's just what

we were hired to do.

You have a lot of confidence.

You've got to be confident.

If you got confidence, anyone
would let you walk their dogs.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, um, I know she's not
much, but do you think

you might want to walk her?

- Sure.
- Amazing.

Thank you.

Thanks!

Mom, they said yes!

They said yes!

I don't know, I didn't ask.

Let us know if you want
to run with the big dogs.

And by that, I mean
walk dogs of any sizes.

Here's my card.

I think I'll use it.

John?

I forgot my plastic bags.

Bruce, poke him.

You shouldn't forget
bags ever again.

I know, I'm sorry.

Just for once.

Hey, look,
I'm George Washington Carver.

No?

What if we put
seat's up there?

I've got a great idea

that I think will solve
a lot of the issues

we've all been having.

You know,
the botanist who made

practical uses for peanuts.

Will the counselors
please approach the bench?

All right, so just tell me
now, did she kill him or not?

No.

We're not going to spoil it,
you have to wait till the end.

It won't spoil it.

I'd like to know.

Your Honor, it isn't very
fun if we tell you before--

It isn't very fun if I
don't know what's happening

because I get very
tense and then I can't

appreciate what's happening.

And I have to
focus on the trial.

And I need to know now.

OK, so you know
how the housemaid--

Do not tell him.

No, I really want to know.

He's asking.

I am, I am.

He doesn't really
want to know.

- Yes, I do.
- You don't really want to know.

- I do.
- It'll ruin it.

I don't know.

I think that he
knows what he wants.

I do.

He doesn't know what he wants.

Remember the last time
you asked for a spoiler?

- Tell me.
- No.

I want to know.
Tell me.

- No.
- Tell me.

Fine.

He stole the money.

You ruined it.

How did I ruin it?

You-- you spoiled it.

You spoiled it.

Wait a minute, that wasn't us.

Yeah, that wasn't us.

Yeah, who am I thinking about?

I just want to know,
did she kill him or not?

No.

The sister did it.

You ruined it.

Why did you tell me?

Why?

I just--

Why did you tell me?

There--

Oh, !

Every morning
at this time, Dad

puts one of those great
Eggo waffles in the toaster.

And I'm always the last
to get one, until today.

Hey, let go of my Eggo!

I can almost taste it.

2, 1, brilliant!

Eggo waffles, part
of this complete breakfast.

A flawless execution.

Uh, almost.

Oh, hey, dad.

Where's the Eggo, Tyler?

Duh, I don't know.

Why are
you so mad, Dad?

That Eggo is the one
bright spot in my day.

And you sit up here for
hours making some shitty Rube

Goldberg machine just to
take my Eggo away from me

for the ninth time
this week.

Oh, hey, Pops,
check the lingua.

Ha, ha, whoop!

Uh, major buzz kill, Daddy-o.

Do you have any idea what
my life is like, Tyler?

What?

I wake up in the morning.

My 48-year-old
putt is half hard--

But--

then I think great,
this morning, today, I

might actually my wife.

Mom?

Then I realized she's already
gone on her morning run.

What's Mommy
running from, Tyler?

Man, I don't know.

Hey, you want to see me pogo?

Look.

Next, I shower
and get dressed,

while constantly scanning
my body for lumps and moles.

All the time
thinking how I'm now

indisputably in the
latter half of my life.

Yeah, showers bite.

Look, I'm Shaq, wee!

Then I sit in my car for six
hours in a wide parking lot

because Daddy got
fired last month.

Whish, check this out, look.

Please stop being mean to me.

I need you to listen to me.

Whoa, watch out.

Look, ah, pew, neh, imagine
your dick getting burned off.

Let go of my Eggo, Tyler!

Let go of my Eggo!

Let go of my Eggo!

What is all this noise?

Just telling our
son to respect me

and to give me my food back?

Oh, Jesus Christ.
Fine.

I'm going to book club.

It's 8:00 AM on
a Tuesday, Anne.

Dang, Dad.

I didn't realize
your life was so sad.

Here.

And you can have
the waffle back.

Thanks.

Yeah.

I'm sorry I got so mad.

Just don't make the
same mistakes I did.

Don't get stuck.

I won't.

Meet you in the car in 15.

Yeah, you got it, Dad.

All right.

See you in the car in 15.

Hm.

Decoy waffle.

Prank of the year.

Sayonara!

You ready to go, babe?

Yeah.

Ah!

Hey, I'm Rob Huebel,
and this is Caption

This with "Above Average."

This first one is called
Hollywood douchebags,

especially this guy right here.

This is Paul Scheer.

Paul and I, when we
talk to each other,

it's more important
that we call each other

just to give the impression
of importance in doing deals.

Because they're important.

And they're pretty
cool Hollywood guys.

This one's called someone
tried to kiss me on the mouth

and I tried to not accept
that kiss on the mouth.

This is Bradley Whitford, who
is a great dude, and I love him.

But I wasn't prepared
at that moment

to be kissed on the mouth.
#SurpriseKiss #NoThankYou

#WhoTookThisPicture.

This little picture is
called Casual Wetsuit,

or it's also called
Look at my Wiener.

If you look very closely,
this guy over here

is using a lifeguard
buoy as a wiener.

This is a photo I like
to call a terrible boss.

This was my boss
for a long time.

I used to do a show
called "Children's

Hospital" with this guy.

His name is Rob Corddry.

And he looks similar
to Paul Scheer.

Sometimes it's hard
to tell them apart.

The worst thing he
did was he didn't

want to do "Children's
Hospital" anymore

because he wanted to do a
bigger TV show with The Rock

on HBO, so great.

Look at this piece of .

Robert Frost.

No, he's a great guy.

He's a good friend of mine.

We belong to the
same country club.

I haven't seen him in a while.

Civil War Suckers,
that's what I call this.

Civil War, we don't
need no civil war.

#GunsNRoses.

This guy was also not cool.

In fact, they're taking down
statues of him right now.

Sorry, bro.

Best looking man
in the universe.

So this is Rob Lowe working out
some issues from his childhood.

I had my picture taken
one time on Instagram.

Not to brag, but I
have an Instagram.

And I was standing
next to Rob Lowe.

And then I looked at the
picture and I thought,

that was a terrible idea.

I hope you enjoy this
edition of Caption

This for "Above Average."

I'm Rob Huebel.

I'm swimming.

My muscles moving to the
rhythm of the lapping swells.

I can't come up for air,
but I can still breathe.

And I stop.

There's Goldy.

He looks at me and he smiles.

I smile back.

And that's when I
realized, he was dead.

Everyone
can see you.

Everyone can hear you
through the thin white walls.

It was three years ago.

I was working as the
operator at a carnival

of the bottle toss booth, and I
was cleaning up for the night.

I was putting all
the goldfish away,

and I noticed that one
of the bags was empty,

and I started to look for the
fish, but it wasn't in the bag.

It was on the ground.

I learned CPR in high school.

So I started performing
compressions on the fish,

and he started moving one fin.

He was waving at me.

From that moment on, Goldie
and I were inseparable.

I learned everything there
was to know about goldfish.

Did you know that goldfish
can't close their eyes?

They've been domesticated
for 1,500 years.

Goldfish see more
color than humans,

and yet, they do
not know racism.

Five of the 44 US presidents
have been goldfish.

They are not actually
made of gold.

Some scientists believe our
world is a giant goldfish.

And then Goldie
started to change.

He was listless.

He was not interested in food.

It was like he didn't
even recognize me.

That was when I
took him to the vet.

He said that he--

he had the fish diabetes,
and he was going blind.

Probably only had another year--

year to live.

Sup, bro.

So at that point, I knew
he had to have a huge--

hey, are you guys
filming in here?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we're very
clearly filming.

Did you know that goldfish
can't close their eyes.

Yeah.

Goldfish see more
color than humans.

Um.

Five of the 44 US
presidents have been goldfish.

I don't remember.

Some scientists believe
our world is a giant goldfish.

OK, yeah, I did it.

I killed Goldie.

I gave him all that cocaine.

That little guy was
just sucking it up.

Goldie.

Uh, yeah.

I killed Goldie.

I came home one day, and
I saw him in his tank

doing massive amounts of blow.

Um.

And you know,
Goldie was a nice fish.

So he offered me something.

I was like, great.
It's Goldie.

Hey, I need you to do something.

So we were just
sitting there doing rail

after rail after
rail, and things

got real personal real quick.

Goldie looks at
me, and he's like--

OK, yeah, I did it.

Put me in your asshole.
I killed Goldie.

And look, I'll
be real with you.

I've watched a ton of
Japanese eel porn, like a ton.

So I was like, cool, man, yeah.

Great.

Let's do it, and then it--

It went wrong.

I took him out.

I tried to give him
CPR, but he was gone.

Goldie.

I ran for it.

s Sometimes I think, maybe
this is what Goldie wanted.

He knew he was sick, and he
wanted to go out with a bang.

Yeah, I just--

I just miss putting
fish in my ass.

We now take you
live to Capitol Hill

where a congressional hearing
on exercise trends is underway.

Mr. Flintz, why
do you feel the need

to post so many pictures of
your crossfit workouts online?

I put a lot
of work into this body.

I'm not ashamed to show it off.

Sir, can you try
to explain to us--

Did you bring
your own weights in?

Bicep curls.

Hey, can you get a better
angle of this for me?

So this one is for
the 5K zombie run.

This one is for the
naked Santa run.

OK, ma'am.

And, oh, this one's from
the color run that I just did.

I'm covered in rainbow dust.

Ma'am, that's enough.

We did not ask you
about your medals.

Oh, are you asking
about my medals?

No.

No one asked about your medals.

Did you?

I did not.

Sir, why do
you feel the need to make

your exercising so public?

Everyone posts photos
of themselves working out.

Not everyone, sir.

I did 20 minutes of Kegel
exercises in my office

this morning and did
not post a single photo.

You got
to keep your back straight.

Form is the most
important thing.

Sir, can you
get off the chair?

Actually, could you face
this way a little bit?

The composition is much better.

Oh, yeah.

This one was for
the Cinnabon fun run,

and this one was for the
Philly quarter marathon.

A quarter marathon?

Which I'm raising money for.

Miss Flats, no one's going
to donate money to someone

running a quarter marathon.

We can give you a quarter
for a quarter marathon.

Listen, I push myself to
the limit in these races, OK?

I crawl through the mud.

I scale huge walls, and
I run long distances.

Physical accomplishments
like that

deserve to be
documented and shared.

I just think there's
something bigger at play

here causing you to post
over 130 photos of yourself

in these extreme races
in the past year.

What aren't you telling us?

Samantha.

Sir?

My ex-girlfriend Samantha.

I purposefully do
races with people

that she knows so that
I'm tagged in photos

that show up in her news feed.

I need her to know
that I'm in the best

goddamn shape of my life.

That's really smart.

Samantha!

Yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Why do you still
have that phone?

There it is.

We'll be back
in a few minutes

with this continuing
investigation

and join us tomorrow for
the Congressional hearing

on people who record videos
of concerts on their phones.

Proud of me now, dad?

Huh, papa?

Oh.

OK.

I'm going to throw up.

Uh, 26th and 8th please.

Step on it.

Sure thing.

By the way, you're on Taxi
Cash, the game show taxi.

What?

All right, I'm going to ask
you a few questions on the way,

and if you answer
correctly, you win cash.

OK, first question.

What is the-- oh, sweet Jesus!

Oh, god.

Oh, god, what happened?

You ran a red light
and hit a school bus.

$50.

All right.

Oh, my legs.

My legs.

Why can't I feel my legs?

Uh, because they're
on the sidewalk.

More money.

I love New York!

Oh, god, grandpa.

Grandpa, is that you?

Uh, uh, no.

It's just your brain giving you
comforting images as you die.

Woo!

Yeah.
Good job.

Yeah.

All right,
everyone, stay calm.

I'm a paramedic.

The driver looks pretty injured,
but are you two in the back OK,

or do you have any
injuries yourself?

Um, are we OK?

Well, we just got
into a car crash.

We are definitely not OK.

I'm hurting.

We must count as
injured, I guess.

Quickly, quickly.

Are you hurt in any way?

I say we go with OK.

OK.
OK, you're right, honey.

I trust you.

Sir, we are OK.

Yeah!

Oh, my god, the
Taxi Cash taxi.

I love this show.

Hey, driver, give me an
autograph for my wife, huh?

I think he's dead.

Ah!

Woo!

Yeah!