Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:06,745 --> 00:00:07,703
Tim Heidecker.
2
00:00:07,833 --> 00:00:08,921
Oh.
3
00:00:09,052 --> 00:00:10,140
Hey, Rob King,
your biggest fan.
4
00:00:10,271 --> 00:00:11,533
- Hey.
- I heard you were here.
5
00:00:11,663 --> 00:00:12,882
I just wanted to come say hello.
6
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:13,752
- OK, hello.
- Hey.
7
00:00:13,883 --> 00:00:14,666
Nice to meet you.
8
00:00:14,797 --> 00:00:15,667
Yeah, you as well.
9
00:00:15,798 --> 00:00:17,234
Um, I also--
10
00:00:17,365 --> 00:00:19,062
I prepared some
questions for you.
11
00:00:19,193 --> 00:00:19,976
Um.
12
00:00:20,107 --> 00:00:21,195
For--
13
00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:23,066
Yeah, I kind of
had them in my head.
14
00:00:23,197 --> 00:00:25,155
I knew you were here,
and I just figured--
15
00:00:25,286 --> 00:00:26,417
I mean--
- OK.
16
00:00:26,548 --> 00:00:28,202
Yeah, uh-- yeah.
OK.
17
00:00:28,332 --> 00:00:29,072
So--
18
00:00:29,203 --> 00:00:29,986
Are we--
19
00:00:30,117 --> 00:00:30,856
Decker.
20
00:00:30,987 --> 00:00:32,119
Yeah.
21
00:00:32,249 --> 00:00:33,816
How much-- how
much Decker is based
22
00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:36,123
on your personal experiences?
23
00:00:36,253 --> 00:00:37,341
What?
24
00:00:37,472 --> 00:00:39,213
Uh, Decker.
25
00:00:39,343 --> 00:00:40,127
Yeah.
26
00:00:40,257 --> 00:00:41,867
Your show.
27
00:00:41,998 --> 00:00:45,001
How much of Decker is based
on your personal experiences?
28
00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:47,003
Probably none.
29
00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:50,572
Yeah, very creative.
30
00:00:50,702 --> 00:00:54,967
Decker, your show, has a
lot of classified files.
31
00:00:55,098 --> 00:00:56,969
What kind of-- what
kind of-- that's fine.
32
00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:58,275
It's fine.
33
00:00:58,406 --> 00:00:59,755
I know it's fine.
It's not a big deal.
34
00:00:59,885 --> 00:01:00,973
They should fix this thing.
35
00:01:01,104 --> 00:01:02,584
It's not something
I worry about.
36
00:01:02,714 --> 00:01:05,108
I'm sorry.
37
00:01:05,239 --> 00:01:08,416
Do you-- do you ever need
other Deckers on your show,
38
00:01:08,546 --> 00:01:13,247
like, people that maybe
aren't on the radar, you know?
39
00:01:13,377 --> 00:01:14,900
I don't know what you mean.
40
00:01:15,031 --> 00:01:18,817
Like, people you just met
that are super enthusiastic
41
00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:20,471
and know a lot about
the show and, like,
42
00:01:20,602 --> 00:01:22,343
might be awesome at the
show if they were just given
43
00:01:22,473 --> 00:01:25,607
a chance to be on the show.
44
00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:26,956
I mean me.
I mean me.
45
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,262
I don't know.
OK, well, no.
46
00:01:28,392 --> 00:01:29,306
Then no.
47
00:01:29,437 --> 00:01:31,613
Oh.
48
00:01:31,743 --> 00:01:33,658
Between your anti-Trump song--
49
00:01:33,789 --> 00:01:37,097
songs, and your TV show
Decker, do you ever get
50
00:01:37,227 --> 00:01:40,012
tired of putting America first?
51
00:01:40,143 --> 00:01:41,057
No.
52
00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:46,454
Is it fair to say that
you're the Woody Guthrie
53
00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:48,630
or Joan Baez of our generation?
54
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:49,935
Yes.
55
00:01:50,066 --> 00:01:51,154
Yeah, that's why
I put a yes there.
56
00:01:51,285 --> 00:01:52,460
Do you want to do a--
57
00:01:52,590 --> 00:01:53,461
Do you want me to
fill up your water?
58
00:01:53,591 --> 00:01:54,984
No, I can do it.
59
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:58,161
Yeah, I'm just going
to wait till you're done.
60
00:01:58,292 --> 00:01:59,162
Water, huh?
61
00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:01,599
I mean, we all have it.
62
00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:09,912
Uh-- um.
63
00:02:12,784 --> 00:02:14,395
Yup, you got it.
64
00:02:14,525 --> 00:02:15,396
Got a little bit.
65
00:02:18,834 --> 00:02:21,750
Uh, is this a sketch?
66
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:22,794
Yes.
67
00:02:26,363 --> 00:02:27,147
One of my best.
68
00:02:39,071 --> 00:02:40,290
Ever since
I moved to New York,
69
00:02:40,421 --> 00:02:41,987
people are always
asking me if I've
70
00:02:42,118 --> 00:02:44,381
ever had a New York moment.
71
00:02:44,512 --> 00:02:47,123
Like, they'll say, oh, my God,
Roberta, have you ever had,
72
00:02:47,254 --> 00:02:49,256
um, like, a New York moment.
73
00:02:49,386 --> 00:02:51,997
Well, one time, I saw a
Black guy with a mohawk
74
00:02:52,128 --> 00:02:53,825
walk by a white
guy with a mohawk,
75
00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:55,827
and they both high-fived.
76
00:02:55,958 --> 00:02:59,527
So I made a wish because
I know how miracles work,
77
00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:02,834
but apparently, that's not a
real enough New York moment,
78
00:03:02,965 --> 00:03:05,097
because everyone's all
like, no ,,
79
00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:08,013
I mean like a New York moment.
80
00:03:08,144 --> 00:03:11,365
So I stopped and I thought
about it, and I was like, well,
81
00:03:11,495 --> 00:03:15,020
one time, I saw a fresh pile
of dog poop with a used condom
82
00:03:15,151 --> 00:03:16,979
on top of it.
83
00:03:17,109 --> 00:03:18,763
I know.
84
00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:21,723
I was there, and that's when I
came up with a game called too
85
00:03:21,853 --> 00:03:24,465
much information or not enough.
86
00:03:24,595 --> 00:03:25,683
You're right.
87
00:03:25,814 --> 00:03:27,250
There are no winners
in that game.
88
00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:29,121
You just start an
Instagram account,
89
00:03:29,252 --> 00:03:31,123
and you keep it moving.
90
00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:33,343
So then I started
thinking, maybe I never
91
00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:35,911
have a real New York moment.
92
00:03:36,041 --> 00:03:38,522
And then, one day, I'm
walking down the street.
93
00:03:38,653 --> 00:03:40,307
We're not that
different, you and I,
94
00:03:40,437 --> 00:03:43,135
and I see a delivery truck
rolling down the hill
95
00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:45,964
with no driver in
it, and at first I
96
00:03:46,095 --> 00:03:47,966
didn't pick up on it
right away, you know,
97
00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:49,794
because it wasn't
about me, but then I
98
00:03:49,925 --> 00:03:52,536
saw a UPS driver
running after the truck,
99
00:03:52,667 --> 00:03:54,408
and I was like, I
went to college.
100
00:03:54,538 --> 00:03:57,106
I know what's going on
here, and the UPS truck
101
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,369
was headed straight for
this guy on a bicycle,
102
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:02,198
and it's like, game on.
103
00:04:02,329 --> 00:04:06,158
And then, as if in a movie,
the UPS driver power jogs up
104
00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:10,119
to the truck, does a lazy triple
axle into the driver's seat,
105
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,904
pulls the brake like an
old-timey train conductor,
106
00:04:13,035 --> 00:04:15,298
and the truck stops just
short of the guy on the bike.
107
00:04:15,429 --> 00:04:17,953
The guy on the bike looks
up at the guy in the truck.
108
00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:21,696
They share this long moment,
and then I swear to you,
109
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:26,091
they both just shrugged as if
to go, New York, what are you
110
00:04:26,222 --> 00:04:27,658
gonna do.
111
00:04:27,789 --> 00:04:31,140
And I was like,
seriously, that's it?
112
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:34,056
But then this stranger
walking by out of nowhere
113
00:04:34,186 --> 00:04:37,494
hands me this giant slice
of pizza, piping hot,
114
00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:40,671
and I was like, New York.
115
00:04:40,802 --> 00:04:42,586
I get the hype.
116
00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:44,284
I get the hype.
117
00:04:56,470 --> 00:05:00,038
Gosh, I'm so nerdy,
yet noble of spirit.
118
00:05:00,169 --> 00:05:04,478
Oh, wow, Jenny Jane Jackson,
the coolest girl in school.
119
00:05:04,608 --> 00:05:06,567
I'm a fully-realized
female character.
120
00:05:06,697 --> 00:05:08,438
My personal wants are--
121
00:05:08,569 --> 00:05:10,788
She would never fall
for a guy like me.
122
00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:12,137
That's right she wouldn't.
123
00:05:12,268 --> 00:05:13,748
This is for being
noble of spirit.
124
00:05:13,878 --> 00:05:15,140
Oh.
125
00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:17,534
Gosh, I wish I could
stand up for myself.
126
00:05:17,665 --> 00:05:19,884
Young man, violence
is never the answer.
127
00:05:20,015 --> 00:05:23,453
Oh, wow, famed
scientist Dr. Brainstein.
128
00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:25,803
Ha, I read all of your science.
129
00:05:25,934 --> 00:05:27,283
I'm going to do
an experiment now.
130
00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:28,197
You want to come?
131
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:29,981
Sure.
132
00:05:30,112 --> 00:05:32,201
Welcome to my laboratory.
133
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,899
This here is my
radioactive gamma
134
00:05:35,030 --> 00:05:36,945
serum dead parrot machine.
135
00:05:37,075 --> 00:05:39,251
Can I take a picture
for the school newspaper?
136
00:05:39,382 --> 00:05:41,253
Teenagers love
science photography.
137
00:05:41,384 --> 00:05:42,298
Sure.
138
00:05:42,429 --> 00:05:43,517
Just don't get too close to it.
139
00:05:43,647 --> 00:05:44,474
I won't.
140
00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:48,913
System malfunctioning.
141
00:05:49,044 --> 00:05:51,133
Inciting incident approaching.
142
00:05:51,263 --> 00:05:54,049
I'm sure it's fine.
143
00:05:54,179 --> 00:05:55,267
Whoa.
144
00:05:55,398 --> 00:05:57,487
Oh, man, I feel strange.
145
00:05:57,618 --> 00:06:01,448
I'm just going to steady myself
with this solid metal beam.
146
00:06:01,578 --> 00:06:02,884
I have super strength?
147
00:06:03,014 --> 00:06:03,928
Help.
148
00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:05,408
Someone's robbing the bank.
149
00:06:05,539 --> 00:06:06,888
And superhearing too.
150
00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:09,934
Hmm, I should use
these to become a hero
151
00:06:10,065 --> 00:06:12,372
and then punch
those bank robbers,
152
00:06:12,502 --> 00:06:13,982
but I'm only going to
punch them kind of hard,
153
00:06:14,112 --> 00:06:16,288
because violence is
never the answer.
154
00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:17,159
Away!
155
00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:24,079
Oh, good.
156
00:06:24,209 --> 00:06:25,341
I can fly too.
157
00:06:31,956 --> 00:06:32,827
Hault, fiends.
158
00:06:32,957 --> 00:06:34,655
Hero man is here.
159
00:06:34,785 --> 00:06:36,439
This money ain't mine.
160
00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:37,701
Ooh
161
00:06:37,832 --> 00:06:40,182
These diamonds ain't mine.
162
00:06:40,312 --> 00:06:41,444
Oh.
163
00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:43,011
I came from a broken home.
164
00:06:43,141 --> 00:06:44,360
Ah.
165
00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:45,405
Hero man.
166
00:06:45,535 --> 00:06:46,318
Jenny Jane.
167
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:47,450
I mean, who are you?
168
00:06:47,581 --> 00:06:49,234
We've never met before.
169
00:06:49,365 --> 00:06:53,108
I'm Jenny Jane Jackson,
High School student/reporter
170
00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:54,675
for the Metropolitan/--
171
00:06:54,805 --> 00:06:56,677
She doesn't recognize
me because I'm
172
00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:58,635
wearing different clothes.
173
00:06:58,766 --> 00:07:01,159
Hero man, there's
a new bad guy,
174
00:07:01,290 --> 00:07:03,118
and he's worse than
these bad guys.
175
00:07:03,248 --> 00:07:07,775
He's built a robot, and
it's destroying the city.
176
00:07:07,905 --> 00:07:11,213
Beep, boop, et cetera.
177
00:07:11,343 --> 00:07:13,868
The robot has also
kidnapped Jenny Jane.
178
00:07:13,998 --> 00:07:14,956
What?
179
00:07:15,913 --> 00:07:18,960
I feel no remorse.
180
00:07:19,090 --> 00:07:21,441
And he shot me.
181
00:07:21,571 --> 00:07:23,834
Dr. Brainstein, no.
182
00:07:23,965 --> 00:07:25,967
I've always thought of
you as a father figure.
183
00:07:26,097 --> 00:07:29,492
In a weird twist, I
was your actual father.
184
00:07:29,623 --> 00:07:30,362
What?
185
00:07:30,493 --> 00:07:32,060
That's confusing.
186
00:07:32,190 --> 00:07:35,237
The robot's
dropping Jenny Jane.
187
00:07:40,111 --> 00:07:40,895
Oh.
188
00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:42,679
I've got you.
189
00:07:42,810 --> 00:07:46,074
I feel like I'm being used
as a prop to further the story.
190
00:07:46,204 --> 00:07:47,249
It's like--
191
00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:48,729
He did it.
192
00:07:48,859 --> 00:07:50,774
God bless you, Hero Man.
193
00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:55,170
God bless-- ah.
194
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:56,954
You're safe now,
but stand back.
195
00:07:57,085 --> 00:07:58,521
I'm going to use my laser eyes.
196
00:07:58,652 --> 00:08:00,088
Since when do you
have laser eyes?
197
00:08:00,218 --> 00:08:01,089
Don't worry about it.
198
00:08:01,219 --> 00:08:03,787
Laser!
199
00:08:03,918 --> 00:08:05,354
Not laser eyes.
200
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,095
No!
201
00:08:08,096 --> 00:08:09,445
Oh.
202
00:08:09,576 --> 00:08:11,621
What an amazing explosion.
203
00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:12,970
Everything's going to be fine.
204
00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:15,146
Not so fast, Hero Man.
205
00:08:15,277 --> 00:08:17,801
I'm the bad guy who
built that robot,
206
00:08:17,932 --> 00:08:20,064
and I'm going to
keep building robots,
207
00:08:20,195 --> 00:08:22,371
and there's nothing
you can do to stop me,
208
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,983
because you're strong moral
code won't allow you to kill me.
209
00:08:29,552 --> 00:08:31,902
Violence is never the answer.
210
00:08:32,033 --> 00:08:33,904
I feel like I didn't really
do that much in this movie.
211
00:08:34,035 --> 00:08:34,818
Aw.
212
00:08:34,949 --> 00:08:37,342
Hmm.
213
00:08:37,473 --> 00:08:38,343
Hey.
214
00:08:38,474 --> 00:08:39,388
Sup.
215
00:08:56,927 --> 00:08:59,451
And that is why I don't
fuck around with pug dogs
216
00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:00,757
anymore.
- Makes sense to me.
217
00:09:00,888 --> 00:09:01,671
They're crazy.
218
00:09:01,802 --> 00:09:02,890
Yeah, they're nuts.
219
00:09:03,020 --> 00:09:04,152
Whoa.
220
00:09:04,282 --> 00:09:05,719
That's quite the
scar you got there.
221
00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:07,459
Yeah.
222
00:09:07,590 --> 00:09:09,200
Got it in a fight
with the Barker.
223
00:09:09,331 --> 00:09:10,724
He was this old timey villain.
224
00:09:10,854 --> 00:09:13,596
His power was to entertain
people into submission.
225
00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:15,467
He infiltrated a
traveling circus
226
00:09:15,598 --> 00:09:17,208
that had set up in Nevada.
227
00:09:17,339 --> 00:09:20,690
When our fight started, he used
a trained bear on a unicycle
228
00:09:20,821 --> 00:09:24,172
as some sort of human shield.
229
00:09:24,302 --> 00:09:27,915
Well, I broke his clavicle,
but he barely even noticed.
230
00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:30,091
The show must go on, he said.
231
00:09:30,221 --> 00:09:34,138
So I went out to the parking
lot, commandeered a Hummer,
232
00:09:34,269 --> 00:09:35,836
which I ran him over with.
233
00:09:35,966 --> 00:09:39,666
I cut my wrist on the
cup holder in the Hummer.
234
00:09:39,796 --> 00:09:41,015
They're dangerous vehicles.
235
00:09:41,145 --> 00:09:42,625
I mean, it kind of
just sounds like you
236
00:09:42,756 --> 00:09:44,061
killed a circus fellow.
237
00:09:44,192 --> 00:09:45,759
You might have murdered
a man who did nothing.
238
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,108
Yeah, you might have
just murdered him.
239
00:09:47,238 --> 00:09:48,370
You also stole a car.
240
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:50,851
You can't just steal a Hummer.
241
00:09:50,981 --> 00:09:53,114
Why are you guys
crawling up my ass?
242
00:09:53,244 --> 00:09:54,245
Evening, fellas.
243
00:09:54,376 --> 00:09:56,291
Normal man.
244
00:09:59,250 --> 00:10:00,904
You call that a scar?
245
00:10:01,035 --> 00:10:03,472
Check that cool shit out, son.
246
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,169
Check that out.
247
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:08,216
Got that fighting Six Pack.
248
00:10:08,346 --> 00:10:09,739
You fought Six Pack?
249
00:10:09,870 --> 00:10:11,045
I find that hard to believe.
250
00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:13,438
2007, Christmas morning.
251
00:10:13,569 --> 00:10:15,179
Six Pack decides to
rob a Crunch Tim.
252
00:10:15,310 --> 00:10:16,833
That's faulty logic.
253
00:10:16,964 --> 00:10:18,226
Crunch Tim's, not really a
lot of money lying around.
254
00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:19,923
People don't even have
their wallets on them.
255
00:10:20,054 --> 00:10:22,491
Plus, anybody there,
that's a sad sack.
256
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,232
That's a desperate person.
257
00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:25,886
That's someone whose family
doesn't care about them, who's
258
00:10:26,016 --> 00:10:28,018
doing something public,
hoping someone will ask
259
00:10:28,149 --> 00:10:29,541
them if they're OK, you know?
260
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:31,631
Anyway, Six Pack
freaked out when
261
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,328
he realized there
was no cash to get,
262
00:10:33,458 --> 00:10:34,764
dragged in hostages
off the street.
263
00:10:34,895 --> 00:10:35,939
Total mess.
- Wait.
264
00:10:36,070 --> 00:10:37,549
So how did you
know he was there?
265
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,421
I was working
out on Christmas.
266
00:10:39,551 --> 00:10:41,075
Don't work out on Christmas.
267
00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:43,033
He didn't realize anybody
else with powers was there.
268
00:10:43,164 --> 00:10:45,035
So I go into super stealth mode.
269
00:10:45,166 --> 00:10:46,950
I go invisible,
sneak up behind him.
270
00:10:47,081 --> 00:10:49,083
Of course, to be invisible,
I need to be flying.
271
00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:50,780
So he heard my wings flapping.
272
00:10:50,911 --> 00:10:51,955
He caught me.
273
00:10:52,086 --> 00:10:53,696
He gave me that
atomic elbow drop
274
00:10:53,827 --> 00:10:57,352
thing that he's famous for right
into my eye, knocked me out.
275
00:10:57,482 --> 00:10:58,570
Woke up on my mother's couch.
276
00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,268
Don't know how I got there.
277
00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:01,486
He might have given me a ride
home, spirit of Christmas,
278
00:11:01,617 --> 00:11:03,184
but, you know,
that's cool of him.
279
00:11:03,314 --> 00:11:05,273
You know, anyway, my mother
hadn't really gotten me a gift.
280
00:11:05,403 --> 00:11:06,578
I could really use help.
281
00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:08,406
I could really use
someone to talk to.
282
00:11:08,537 --> 00:11:09,320
Good for you.
283
00:11:09,451 --> 00:11:10,321
Yeah.
284
00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:21,898
You must have more scars
beyond, like, the pug
285
00:11:22,029 --> 00:11:24,292
induced scars, right?
286
00:11:24,422 --> 00:11:26,511
Scars.
287
00:11:26,642 --> 00:11:30,037
My scars come from the inside.
288
00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:34,345
My scars scream out to me
at night while I'm sleeping.
289
00:11:34,476 --> 00:11:37,305
My scars have eyes,
lifeless eyes,
290
00:11:37,435 --> 00:11:39,786
black eyes like a doll's eyes.
291
00:11:39,916 --> 00:11:41,570
My scars come at you.
292
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:45,792
Looks like they're not
living until they bite you.
293
00:11:45,922 --> 00:11:48,925
Their eyes roll over white,
and you hear the high
294
00:11:49,056 --> 00:11:51,232
pitched hooting and hollering.
295
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:52,886
The ocean turns red.
296
00:11:53,016 --> 00:11:54,888
If you cut my scars open,
the little Kintner boy will
297
00:11:55,018 --> 00:11:56,977
spill out all over the dock.
298
00:11:57,107 --> 00:11:58,326
- That's "Jaws".
- That's "Jaws"
299
00:11:58,456 --> 00:11:59,762
- Yeah, that's--
- It's from "Jaws".
300
00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:01,198
That is from the movie "Jaws".
301
00:12:01,329 --> 00:12:02,460
Yeah, no, I don't get
scars because my skin's
302
00:12:02,591 --> 00:12:03,505
made of brick.
303
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,945
God, I hate working
the woman's room.
304
00:12:09,076 --> 00:12:10,338
What the hell is this stuff?
305
00:12:57,689 --> 00:12:58,560
Ma'am.
306
00:13:06,611 --> 00:13:08,048
Do you have a girlfriend?
307
00:13:08,178 --> 00:13:09,440
Um, no.
308
00:13:12,269 --> 00:13:14,358
Do you like to watch?
309
00:13:14,489 --> 00:13:16,230
Watch what?
310
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:17,231
Come with me.
311
00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:28,895
Oh, no, people need
me to give them towels.
312
00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:30,157
Shh!
313
00:13:30,287 --> 00:13:32,115
Yeah, I can do that.
314
00:13:32,246 --> 00:13:33,421
You ready?
315
00:13:33,551 --> 00:13:34,291
Yeah.
316
00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:35,292
Yes.
317
00:13:35,423 --> 00:13:36,337
I am ready.
318
00:13:42,082 --> 00:13:43,648
Oh, my God.
319
00:13:43,779 --> 00:13:44,649
Look at me.
320
00:13:58,054 --> 00:13:58,881
Ah.
321
00:14:05,627 --> 00:14:06,410
That is not what I thought.
322
00:14:06,541 --> 00:14:07,977
Shh.
323
00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:08,978
Ew, ew.
324
00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:17,857
But you didn't flush.
325
00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:18,901
A lady never does.
326
00:14:22,949 --> 00:14:26,169
You didn't wipe either.
327
00:14:31,261 --> 00:14:33,046
Will counselors
please approach the bench.
328
00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:40,270
Is that
Danny Aiello?
329
00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:41,445
I think it is.
330
00:14:41,576 --> 00:14:42,664
I was just thinking that.
- What?
331
00:14:42,794 --> 00:14:43,839
No.
It's him.
332
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,058
Definitely.
- I think it's him.
333
00:14:45,188 --> 00:14:46,146
It is.
It's him.
334
00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:47,277
Why would he be here?
335
00:14:47,408 --> 00:14:48,452
He lives in LA.
336
00:14:48,583 --> 00:14:50,019
Yes, but do we
really know that?
337
00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:51,716
I guess I don't, but don't
celebrities live in LA?
338
00:14:51,847 --> 00:14:52,892
What was he in?
339
00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:53,936
He was in "The
Godfather", right?
340
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:55,155
I think that was Abe Vigoda.
341
00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:56,896
They were both in it, right?
342
00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:59,550
I think you're thinking Abe
Vigoda is Danny Aiello, right?
343
00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:00,464
I don't know.
344
00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:02,075
Danny.
345
00:15:02,205 --> 00:15:03,206
Danny.
346
00:15:03,337 --> 00:15:04,555
Did he look?
- I didn't see.
347
00:15:04,686 --> 00:15:05,905
Say it again.
- Danny.
348
00:15:06,035 --> 00:15:06,949
Don't.
Stop.
349
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,690
Now everybody's looking at me.
350
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:10,822
You guys should have figured
this out in jury selection.
351
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:12,172
Well, I didn't
think Danny Aiello
352
00:15:12,302 --> 00:15:13,390
might be in the jury pool.
353
00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:14,348
No, I thought it.
354
00:15:14,478 --> 00:15:15,740
That's on me.
355
00:15:15,871 --> 00:15:17,264
I just didn't really
think it would be him.
356
00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:20,702
It's just-- do you think
he'd take a picture with us?
357
00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:22,008
You know what,
I changed my mind.
358
00:15:22,138 --> 00:15:22,922
I don't think that's him.
It's him.
359
00:15:23,052 --> 00:15:23,792
It's him.
- I don't.
360
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,185
It's definitely him.
361
00:15:25,315 --> 00:15:26,795
The more I look, the
more I can see it's him.
362
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,101
- Danny.
- Danny.
363
00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:29,102
Danny.
364
00:15:29,232 --> 00:15:30,059
- Danny.
- Danny!
365
00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:31,365
- Danny.
- Danny.
366
00:15:31,495 --> 00:15:32,409
Danny!
367
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:33,628
Yeah.
368
00:15:33,758 --> 00:15:34,542
Yeah!
369
00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:36,761
- Oh, my God.
- Yah-hoo!
370
00:15:36,892 --> 00:15:38,024
I can't believe it.
371
00:15:38,154 --> 00:15:39,721
Oh, man.
372
00:15:39,851 --> 00:15:40,591
Whoa.
373
00:15:40,722 --> 00:15:41,505
We did it.
374
00:15:41,636 --> 00:15:43,116
Nailed it.
375
00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:44,204
- I didn't think at first, but.
- Oh, man, that guy.
376
00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:45,727
That guy.
You called it.
377
00:15:45,857 --> 00:15:46,597
You called it.
378
00:15:46,728 --> 00:15:48,077
Unbelievable.
379
00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:49,252
Oh, boy.
380
00:15:49,383 --> 00:15:50,514
How about that?
381
00:15:50,645 --> 00:15:53,039
Do that right thing.
382
00:15:53,169 --> 00:15:54,170
That was him, right?
383
00:15:54,301 --> 00:15:55,215
I don't know if it was him.
384
00:16:00,394 --> 00:16:01,917
I was fulfilling
my dream of living
385
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:03,875
by myself in New York City.
386
00:16:04,006 --> 00:16:06,487
Then my sister moved in.
387
00:16:06,617 --> 00:16:09,316
I left my stupid job
and my short husband
388
00:16:09,446 --> 00:16:13,494
to come move to New York City,
teach my sister the ropes.
389
00:16:13,624 --> 00:16:15,148
I'm Belle.
390
00:16:15,278 --> 00:16:16,105
And I'm Bernice.
391
00:16:16,236 --> 00:16:17,063
And we're--
392
00:16:17,193 --> 00:16:18,238
Living in the city.
393
00:16:21,023 --> 00:16:21,850
Shut up.
394
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,721
Shut up.
395
00:16:23,852 --> 00:16:27,029
I'm just trying to think.
396
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,901
My apartment was
supposed to be just for me,
397
00:16:30,032 --> 00:16:34,776
and now I'm living here with
my sister, and it's hard.
398
00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:41,348
Uh, hey,
Bernice, are you going
399
00:16:41,478 --> 00:16:42,958
to sit there during the movie?
400
00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:46,657
We were about to watch
"Sister Act 2" on demand.
401
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:49,878
You know, we could
just make out instead.
402
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,575
I'm not sure if
I'm in the mood.
403
00:16:51,706 --> 00:16:52,533
It's OK.
404
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:54,187
I'll do all the work.
405
00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:55,710
We could just reschedule.
406
00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:56,798
I'm serious.
407
00:16:56,928 --> 00:16:57,973
I practice at home all the time.
408
00:16:58,104 --> 00:16:59,670
I'm very good.
409
00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:01,585
I got a roommate who'd pull
shit like this all the time.
410
00:17:01,716 --> 00:17:02,934
I'm used to it.
411
00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:04,588
I met him on the subway.
412
00:17:04,719 --> 00:17:07,939
He was picking up
coins from the floor
413
00:17:08,070 --> 00:17:09,419
but then offering
them to everybody.
414
00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:11,726
And then he offered
me a quarter,
415
00:17:11,856 --> 00:17:13,728
and then said, call
me, and I was like,
416
00:17:13,858 --> 00:17:16,992
I don't think phone calls
are a quarter anymore,
417
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:20,517
and then he just said, well,
why don't I come over some time.
418
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:27,568
Bernice, I know you live here
too, but when you moved in,
419
00:17:27,698 --> 00:17:29,483
you said we'd share
the common space.
420
00:17:29,613 --> 00:17:33,052
Yeah, share it,
not monopolize it.
421
00:17:33,182 --> 00:17:34,792
I could even just
start up north,
422
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:37,186
and if you don't want me to
go south at all, that's fine.
423
00:17:37,317 --> 00:17:39,710
That can be date two.
424
00:17:39,841 --> 00:17:42,931
You're in the driver's seat.
425
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,499
We could just go out.
426
00:17:45,629 --> 00:17:48,937
I mean, right now, I've just
got, like, horny blinders.
427
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:50,808
So I can block all that out.
428
00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:53,594
Excuse me, Romeo, mama
needs a little more popcorn.
429
00:17:53,724 --> 00:17:56,292
She's running low.
430
00:17:56,423 --> 00:17:58,033
Maybe even do a
thing where we try
431
00:17:58,164 --> 00:18:00,688
to see how much square
footage of flesh
432
00:18:00,818 --> 00:18:03,386
we can get pushed up
against each other.
433
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:05,301
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
434
00:18:05,432 --> 00:18:06,650
Please.
435
00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:08,435
More popcorn please.
436
00:18:13,396 --> 00:18:14,441
Just block it out.
437
00:18:14,571 --> 00:18:15,442
I'll make
you more popcorn.
438
00:18:18,793 --> 00:18:20,534
New bowl, please.
439
00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:22,971
There's still sucking
kernels in this one.
440
00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:30,021
I can see your vagina.
441
00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:32,546
I can't quite tell
what's going on with it,
442
00:18:32,676 --> 00:18:35,157
but I think I like it.
443
00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:39,901
A little turd bird told me
that somebody likes making out.
444
00:18:40,031 --> 00:18:41,903
You've got a lot of attitude.
445
00:18:45,254 --> 00:18:46,299
Shut your mouth!
446
00:18:48,039 --> 00:18:51,173
You're so much flirtier
when she's not around.
447
00:18:51,304 --> 00:18:54,350
Are you coming over here,
or am I going over there?
448
00:18:59,486 --> 00:19:02,837
You can come over here,
but it's got to be quick.
449
00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:04,317
A girl never kisses and tells.
450
00:19:04,447 --> 00:19:05,840
I was married once, you know.
451
00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:08,059
Now I just fuck strangers.
452
00:19:15,241 --> 00:19:17,504
Hi, and welcome to
Cocktails with Little Esther.
453
00:19:17,634 --> 00:19:20,028
I'm your host, Little
Esther, and my guest today
454
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:22,335
is the wonderful Eliza Skinner.
455
00:19:22,465 --> 00:19:23,858
- Hey.
- Welcome.
456
00:19:23,988 --> 00:19:24,772
Thank you.
457
00:19:24,902 --> 00:19:25,816
These are tiny drinks.
458
00:19:25,947 --> 00:19:27,078
Very small.
459
00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:29,342
Today's safe
word is Bill Cosby.
460
00:19:29,472 --> 00:19:30,691
Oh, no.
461
00:19:30,821 --> 00:19:32,127
Is there a safe word
about the safe word?
462
00:19:32,258 --> 00:19:34,738
What advice would you
give your teenage self?
463
00:19:34,869 --> 00:19:37,785
To wash my hair
more frequently.
464
00:19:37,915 --> 00:19:39,700
I was pretty lazy about that.
465
00:19:39,830 --> 00:19:41,441
I would be like, but I've
got to finish this book.
466
00:19:41,571 --> 00:19:42,355
Showers.
467
00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:44,444
Anyway.
468
00:19:44,574 --> 00:19:46,489
What were some of your
embarrassing adolescent
469
00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:48,883
misconceptions about sex?
470
00:19:49,013 --> 00:19:50,363
That nobody wanted
to have it with me.
471
00:19:50,493 --> 00:19:51,712
Oh, you didn't think anyone--
472
00:19:51,842 --> 00:19:53,583
Yeah, I was like,
huh, not this weirdo,
473
00:19:53,714 --> 00:19:55,455
but I was like a
teenage girl with boobs.
474
00:19:55,585 --> 00:19:57,196
Definitely somebody wanted
to have sex with me.
475
00:19:57,326 --> 00:19:59,372
That is a horrible
misconception you had.
476
00:19:59,502 --> 00:20:01,112
Yeah.
477
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:04,855
What is the most memorable
penis you've ever seen and why?
478
00:20:04,986 --> 00:20:05,856
My dad's.
479
00:20:05,987 --> 00:20:07,641
Oh.
480
00:20:07,771 --> 00:20:09,077
Same.
481
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,732
OK, now it's time to
play turn on, turn off.
482
00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:13,255
Jumps rope.
483
00:20:13,386 --> 00:20:14,909
Turn off.
484
00:20:15,039 --> 00:20:16,998
I'm assuming that that
means that he's a child.
485
00:20:17,128 --> 00:20:20,044
So-- I'm mostly into adults.
486
00:20:20,175 --> 00:20:20,915
Mostly.
487
00:20:21,045 --> 00:20:22,046
Mostly.
488
00:20:22,177 --> 00:20:24,135
Pays for dinner
with a Groupon.
489
00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:25,702
Whoa, turn off.
490
00:20:25,833 --> 00:20:27,661
If you're my boyfriend,
and it's like, this is fun.
491
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:30,141
I got a Groupon, and
we can have a laugh
492
00:20:30,272 --> 00:20:31,708
and then get that discount.
Yeah.
493
00:20:31,839 --> 00:20:33,449
- Speaks German.
- Oh, turn on.
494
00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:34,929
- Only in bed.
- Turn off.
495
00:20:35,059 --> 00:20:36,452
That became a
turnoff at the end.
496
00:20:36,583 --> 00:20:39,673
If there was a sex move
called the Eliza Skinner,
497
00:20:39,803 --> 00:20:41,283
what would it be?
498
00:20:41,414 --> 00:20:44,808
Oh, it would be climbing
off and getting some eggs.
499
00:20:44,939 --> 00:20:46,201
I'm really into brunch.
500
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:48,072
Like, I find myself
halfway through,
501
00:20:48,203 --> 00:20:50,727
pretty frequently being like,
oh, I get brunch after this.
502
00:20:50,858 --> 00:20:51,902
That would really turn me on.
503
00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:53,426
I have to say.
- See.
504
00:20:53,556 --> 00:20:55,036
OK.
505
00:20:55,166 --> 00:20:56,472
So if you could have sex
with any fictional character,
506
00:20:56,603 --> 00:20:57,908
who would it be?
507
00:20:58,039 --> 00:20:59,345
Well I keep trying to
think of somebody good,
508
00:20:59,475 --> 00:21:01,825
but Tigger from
"Winnie the Pooh"
509
00:21:01,956 --> 00:21:03,174
keeps jumping into my head.
510
00:21:03,305 --> 00:21:04,350
Oh, that's very odd.
511
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:05,873
I know.
512
00:21:06,003 --> 00:21:07,831
You could have said,
like, Jack from "Titanic".
513
00:21:07,962 --> 00:21:09,050
Oh, God, that's
so much better.
514
00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:10,486
Oh.
515
00:21:10,617 --> 00:21:12,401
Now it's time to have
a dirty talk contest.
516
00:21:12,532 --> 00:21:14,316
Whoever laughs
first is the loser.
517
00:21:14,447 --> 00:21:15,535
- OK.
- Do you want to go first?
518
00:21:15,665 --> 00:21:16,449
No.
519
00:21:18,189 --> 00:21:22,629
Your legs make
my heart feel wet.
520
00:21:22,759 --> 00:21:31,028
I could jam my hand
up you and then open
521
00:21:31,159 --> 00:21:32,943
and close it a whole bunch.
522
00:21:33,074 --> 00:21:33,857
All right, one more.
523
00:21:33,988 --> 00:21:35,032
OK.
524
00:21:35,163 --> 00:21:35,903
You go first.
525
00:21:36,033 --> 00:21:37,208
OK.
526
00:21:37,339 --> 00:21:43,084
I want to bury
you in the ground.
527
00:21:43,214 --> 00:21:44,694
I'm bad at this.
528
00:21:44,825 --> 00:21:46,696
Girl, I want to bury
you in the ground.
529
00:21:46,827 --> 00:21:49,351
I'm going to forget
the spot and move on.
530
00:21:49,482 --> 00:21:51,571
Your family won't
know where you are.
531
00:21:51,701 --> 00:21:53,529
So I want to tell
you a little bit
532
00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:55,488
about my first
sexual experience,
533
00:21:55,618 --> 00:21:57,838
and then I would
like to challenge you
534
00:21:57,968 --> 00:21:59,361
to do a freestyle rap about it.
535
00:21:59,492 --> 00:22:00,319
OK.
536
00:22:00,449 --> 00:22:01,581
Oh, shit.
537
00:22:01,711 --> 00:22:03,974
It was after a Britney
Spears concert,
538
00:22:04,105 --> 00:22:07,151
and I was with my
boyfriend of one month,
539
00:22:07,282 --> 00:22:09,589
and I barely remember it.
540
00:22:09,719 --> 00:22:10,503
OK.
541
00:22:10,633 --> 00:22:11,504
Do I get a beat?
542
00:22:11,634 --> 00:22:12,374
Yeah.
543
00:22:14,898 --> 00:22:16,335
After
a Britney concert,
544
00:22:16,465 --> 00:22:18,685
you know that she rocks
it, and then you rocked me,
545
00:22:18,815 --> 00:22:20,382
and it was really toxic.
546
00:22:20,513 --> 00:22:22,166
Uh-huh.
547
00:22:22,297 --> 00:22:25,300
My virginity, I couldn't save,
but then I became your slave,
548
00:22:25,431 --> 00:22:27,955
because we went back
into my bedroom,
549
00:22:28,085 --> 00:22:30,697
and then you and
I, we got to boom,
550
00:22:30,827 --> 00:22:33,264
and then it was over so fast.
551
00:22:33,395 --> 00:22:36,833
You me, but
anyway, I was still lucky.
552
00:22:36,964 --> 00:22:38,313
Yeah.
553
00:22:38,444 --> 00:22:40,533
Eliza, thank you so much
for being on my show.
554
00:22:40,663 --> 00:22:41,751
Thanks for having me.
555
00:22:41,882 --> 00:22:45,799
As a parting gift,
I made you this.
556
00:22:45,929 --> 00:22:47,104
It's an oral sex light.
557
00:22:47,235 --> 00:22:48,367
Thank you.
558
00:22:48,497 --> 00:22:49,455
Thanks so much for watching.
38011
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof