All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S02E13.I.May.Have.Left.the.Stove.On.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

A sweet Midwestern
lady arrived last night.

Her name's Gingie.

Did you just say Gingie?

Oh, something smells
real scrumptious.

Hi

H-- hi.

James, that is Gingie
from Gingie's list.

The lazy porno?

No.

There's a website that rates
things, and she could ruin us.

She seems sweet.

Good morning.

Good morning.

We got an egg.

You want--

Want part of an egg?

Runs for 30 years.

We've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed and brunch
in the Hudson Valley.

Hudson Valley Ballers.

What.

What?

And then the school
nurse had to get

the firecracker out of me.

We got back in the
limo and laughed.

Oh, my God.

I love any story about prom.

Oh, God.

And this breakfast,
let me tell you,

if I were going to
the electric chair,

I would want this
for my last meal.

Well, thank you, Gingie.

We aim to please.

Now, I hate to
leave the hoopla,

but I got to go work a little.

Do you mind if I snitch
one of these muffins?

They are delicious!

Sure.

Please do.

You've already touched it.

Enjoy.

Bye.

She is loving this place.

We're killing it.

Let's see what she says.

"The breakfast was
the worst thing

I've eaten since I was in the
hospital for my bladder sling.

The eggs were an
insult to chickens,

and the coffee was bong water."

What does she know
about bong water?

"The muffins were more
stale than an inmate's kiss.

Check out the picture.

It came in handy when I
needed to de-callus my heels.

Hashtag #exfoliate."

She's so mean.

She's not Midwestern.

She doesn't mean western.

You know what, James?

We're going to win her over.

Who's ready for some lunch?

What's these doings?

I thought you guys
only did breakfast.

Well, we're a B and
B and L and D and NS.

NS is for Night Snacks.

And how?

Is this cioppino?

Yeah, it is.

How do you know?

That's my favorite.

Well, we just had a feeling.

Enjoy.

Mhm!

That's real good.

Boy, that clam.

Oh, good.

Good.

"Cioppino?

More like Gordon's Fish
Sticks in V-8 juice.

Too bad the bowl didn't
have a flusher on it.

I wouldn't force-feed there to
a bunch of old hags in jail."

I mean, Gingie has
done some time.

She knows her way
around the clink.

We need to up the wow factor.

I'd like to up her wow factor,

You know, James, we've
done over 70 years of therapy

together.

None of it took.

I think it's time
for some head game.

To head games, Yeah.

Head games.

Really stay with me.

I'm there.

Chase in the car?

Huh?

Oh, I love games in
that and stuff in that.

So do we.

Yeah, we fucking love games.

Did you guys stay up all night
because it's breakfast time?

We're good.

You know, we don't want any.

OK, Gotcha.

Goodbye.

Should we make a breakfast?

No.

She's used to people kissing
her butt like a fat baby.

I'd love to fat her baby.

Oh, James, triple diamonds.

Wow, oh, I did it to me again.

What fun.

Those are cat ashes.

So your powdering
your pussy with pussy.

A little redundant.

She's getting flustered.

She was powdering her
crevices with cat ashes.

The way I snorted a
line of Mr. Fuzzy foot.

James, we'll talk
about that later.

You know what we should do?

We should make her like s'mores
with unsweetened Baker's

chocolate.

That would freak her out.

Or we go to the store,
and we buy donuts,

then we let them get
stale for about a month

and then give them to her.

I didn't listen to that.

We'll go with the first one.

W-- What's going on here?

Bam, bam!

You two have been smooching my
rump, and now it's your turn.

I haven't made lunch for
anybody in a real long time.

Oh, that's very nice, Gingie.

Let me see.

Looks very thought ahead.

Definitely.

It's lunchy.

It's food.

It's for sure lunchy.

It's got corn.

Each thing has corn.

Yeah, I can taste that.

There's a lot of corn.

I see corn everywhere.

It's a corn theme.

It all goes together.

I made a huge loaf.

Mm-hmm.

And then I got
the idea to cook.

It's really good.

Here we go.

"If you're some hotshot and
want to get your can kiss go

to the dang Four Seasons or go
to the Hudson Valley and check

out this little gem
run by two big gems.

You'll find nothing you're
looking for except yourself."

What the hell!

What is this!

Oh, my God.

Look at that.

Oh, my God.

There's so many of them.

That so many Lexus.

Uh-oh.

The ShowBiz found us, James.

We tried to run from
it, and it found us.

Ola, I think we're trending.

I can't breathe in.

I think we're trending.

Holy shit, what have we done?

Oh, Holy shit.

Why do we do?

What do we do?

Ah, Mr. Stone.

Top MI6 agent.

It's so very good to see you.

Hans Richter.

I should have known.

You finally walked
into one of my traps

like a hungry bear lured by the
sugary taste of the honeycomb.

Your capture is a
very sweet moment.

Let us savor it.

Han, how long do
we have to savor--

Silence!

I say when we're
done savoring things.

Beating you didn't work.

Beating your balls
even didn't work.

But I'm going to
need those passwords.

So instead of hurting you, we're
going to punish those you love.

Please
don't hurt me.

Didn't think we'd find
her, did you, Mr. Stone?

Who-- who is that?

It's your
girlfriend, Mr. Stone.

That's not my girlfriend.

Don't-- don't
play dumb with me.

Seriously, that is
not my girlfriend.

I'm not his girlfriend.

I mean, we went on a
date like two years ago.

That's right.

We did.

You work in marketing.

Yeah.

So random that you remember.

Of course, I remember.

Do you know my name?

Quiet!

Shut up!

Doesn't matter.

She is only an appetizer.

The main course,
however, is someone

much dearer to your heart.

Mary, are you OK?

Yes.
Yes, I am.

I'm OK.

I did-- I did wet myself.

Why did you have to hurt her?

The passwords, Mr. Stone.

Or I'll be more than
happy to put your best

friend out of her misery.

I don't want them to.

Well, she's not
my best friend.

I'm-- I'm his
next-door neighbor.

I get his mail when he's away.
- Right.

Oh, you serious?
That's it?

I have been
watching your Netflix.

- Oh, that's fine.
- Yeah.

I have so many
animals at home.

Aw.

I have a cockatiel who is
lying injured because we were

in the middle of
a wrestling match

as you took me and
beat me in the mouth.

Why were you
wrestling with it?

It was trying to get away.

It has a death wish.

Is this the best we can do?

He really doesn't
keep anyone close.

It's kind of sad.

Don't empathize with him.

You're right.
I'm sorry.

Mr. Stone?

Mhm?

You wouldn't mind if I
killed her then, would you?

I'd mind I just wouldn't
nuclear strike codes mind.

I get that.

OK, all right.

Then bring out our last guest.

This one's going to be good.

My mentor, Agent Winston.

Have we finally
cracked your hard shell?

How did you find him?

I--

Love him?

I want him dead more than
any other man in the world.

I deserve it, too.

I betrayed the agency.
- Good for you.

Please kill me.
Give me a gun.

I'll do it myself.
- No!

Don't give him the gun.

You hand a man a gun.
- I have my own gun.

- He's got his own gun.
- Don't!

OK.

Can I go?

No.

Nobody can go.

Can I go?

No.

I got nothing here.

Yes.

I finally have
Stone in my grasp.

And I can't do anything.

This is all about
psychological leverage,

and I have none of that here.

Do you know how
infuriating that is?

Do you?

- Can I say something?
- What?

He's gone.

Well, OK,
I guess just kill

those two and let this guy go.

What?

No.

Hey, I'm going to kill you.

The past, the present, the
future with Emily Heller.

Hi.

I'm celebrity
psychic Emily Heller.

And today, I'm reading
for actress Olivia Wilde.

Olivia, thank you
for being here.

Um.

So we have one minute.

So we're going to do this.

Oh, I think I paid
for an hour, though.

Well, the hour
starts when I get here,

and I've been here for a while.

I took a nap.

So we're going to do this
lightning round style.

Just shout out something
you want to know about,

and then I'll pull a card.

Psychic lightning round.

Family.

OK.

Four of Wands.

Four of Wands.

Wands means love.

You'll have four kids.

You'll name them all Wanda.

- Wow, OK.
- That's good.

It's good.

It's great.

Uh, finances.

Ten of pentacles.

The ten of pentacles.

Pentacle is money.
10 is a lot.

That's good.

How are pentacles money?

We don't have time for me to
explain to you a pentacle is,

OK?

30 seconds.

OK, um, hobbies.

Eight of swords.

Oh, do you like to do that?

No.

Like the swords
and the blindfold?

Bondage?
I didn't--

Just stay away
from that, I think.

Stick to macrame or
acting thing that you do.

Actually, it's
not really a hobby.

It's, I mean, it's my career.

So that's not really a hobby.

That's what I do.

It's cute.

It's gone pretty well.

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, we're out of time.

Lightning round over.

Now, you may
receive a customer

satisfaction survey call
in the next 24 to 48 hours.

I would really appreciate if
you could give high marks.

Yeah, sure.

Great.

Are you going to?

Oh.

- Hello.
- Yes, Hello.

My name is Samantha.

And I'm calling about
your recent visit

to celebrity psychic
Emily Heller.

Yeah, I'm-- I'm
actually still here.

Fantastic.

I'm glad I got you.

Emily, I can--

I can see you.

I'm on the phone.

Now, on a scale from 1 to
10, how satisfied were you

with your reading on Tuesday.

Today, just now.

Uh, 10.

Could you give nine?

10s just get thrown out.

Yeah, OK.

On a scale from
1 to 10, did you

feel as though you
received a reading

you could make manifest?

A nine.

Not a 10?

You just--

And finally, how
close did the reading

come to accurately representing
your spiritual core?

D have no idea how to
answer that question.

That's-- I don't know.

Pass.

You're
not allowed to pass.

I'm sorry, you're
not allowed to pass.

OK, I was not satisfied,
and it was actually

a really terrible reading, and I
didn't feel like I was listened

to and I felt pretty
rushed considering I had

about 50 seconds of her time.

So on a scale of 1 to 10,
probably give it a negative 10.

So that's it.

Bye.

Hi.

We received the results of your
customer satisfaction survey,

and congratulations, your
outrage has qualified you

for a free raffle.

Oh, that's--

I may have overreacted
a little bit.

That's nice of you.

Thanks.

Yeah, so just
reach into the bag

and find out what your
prize is going to be.

OK.

It's a complimentary
reading with Emily Heller.

Fantastic.

We should probably start
that now because that

expires in about 30 seconds.

OK.

I'm actually going to go.

Are you sure?

This one's free.

Thanks.

Thank you for coming in.

Please give us a
good Yelp review.

Badadadada,
7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi.

This 7 Minutes in Heaven
with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today
with Jeff Goldblum.

Hi, Jeff.

Hello, Mike.

Thanks for coming.

It's my great pleasure.

It's the best.

Well.

The best already.

You're the best already.

But you know who you look like?

Who do people tell
you you look like?

I was thinking that you're
a young handsome Jeffry

Jones possibly.

I got to.

You know Jeffrey Jones?

You know he was in "Ferris
Bueller's Day Off."

You know that guy?

Uh, you play jazz piano.

Yes, I do.

Would play a little
bit for us today?

OK, how would-- how
would that happen?

Oh, uh, "Jurassic Park."

Yes, sir.

When-- when you saw
the water cup shaking.

Oh, yes.

Like, did you
your pants?

Did I?

Not-- not literally.

This is called
Jeff Goldblum talks

my mom about Hollywood people
and some of their choices.

She gets worried about some of
the choices young people make.

Is that true?

Hi, mom.

Hi, Hun.

Hi.

You're on with Michael
and Jeff Goldblum.

Hi.

Oh, my gosh.

Hi, Jeff.

Hi.

Conn-- Can I call you Connie?

You sure can.

I wanted to get you
guys talking for a minute.

I feel like, mom, you got
a lot of strong opinions

about what some of the
choices young Hollywood makes.

Yes, I do.

I do.

What are some of
your concerns there?

Well,
for one thing,

I don't like adult language.

For instance, there's
a certain word

that is used as a substitute
for any other word

English language.

Which word?

Is it ?

Is it ?

I'm going to wash his
mouth out with soap, I swear.

You could
just think about it

and not say it out loud.

In "Powder," the
movie "Powder,"

when you found out that
little dude was like electric,

then did you like
your pants or?

This your
pants business.

And I didn't do it there.

- You didn't do it there either.
- No, no.

That's honest.
That's honest.

We're going to do a
little scene where,

yeah, we're arguing over who
pays for the bill at lunch.

All right.

And then, at any
point during it,

there's a sudden moment where
you realize that you left

like the gas stove
running at an orphanage

you were volunteering at.

I should be getting
this, please.

No, no, no, no.

You mustn't.

I'm telling you, and this
isn't just because I'll--

I'll-- I would be unhappy
if you paid for it.

- Oh, come on.
- So this is not new.

I'm telling you not.

I'll let you pay next
weekend when we go out--

Oh, no.

Oh, I just had a
horrible thought.

I'm-- sorry.

Let me-- get out my phone.

I got to go.

I'm doing stuff at this
orphanage I'm going--

I may have left the stove on.
I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

How'd you like that moment
where I remember it?

- So good.
- Wasn't it good?

Can you do a
cold read of this,

and then I've got a different--

a different take I want
you to try with it.

Hello.

I'll take the chicken
selects premium breast

strips, a Biggie
fries, and Biggie Coke.

Great.

And now, if you could,
I'd like you to do it

that a little more flirtatious.

You fallen in love with the
woman behind the counter.

Watch this.

Hello.

I'll take the chicken selects
premium breast strips, uh,

Biggie fries, and a Biggie Coke.

Thank you.

"Independence Day" when you
went up to implant the virus.

Yeah.

What?

You then, right?

I mean, come on.

It's aliens.

Maybe I did.

A gentleman has his secrets.

So it's 7 Minutes in Heaven.

- Yes, I know.
- Well.

- OK.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

OK.

OK.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Yeah, no.

Tell me when you're ready.

I can feel the warmth of
your mouth as you get close.

Walk me through each.

What a sweet little pack.

Oh yeah.

Paulilu mixtape.

Sketch comedy.

I'm Jasper Cooch, and
you're watching "Big Trucks,"

the show all the big
trucks, big tires,

big titties, and rusted nuts.

So buckle up and get
ready for the ride.

I'm Jasper Cooch, and
this is big trucks!

Big Trucks with Jasper Cooch.

Today we're here in
Las Vegas, Nevada,

for the Monster
Jam World Finals.

Let's head to the pit
party now before the show.

Little trucks or big trucks?

Big trucks.

Big trucks!

Little trucks or big trucks?
- Big trucks.

Big trucks!

Little trucks or big trucks?

Oh, big trucks.

Big trucks!

Right, you're getting a
rare look at the undercarriage

of a truck right now.

The engine here is like the
the other truck.

It's hot, it's steaming,
and it's always working.

You don't get to see it often,
but when you do, want a sight.

Tire one, tire two.

It's like two titties.

The trucks titties.

It's got two on the
other side, so they

basically got four titties.

Jasper Cooch in monster
truck heaven right now.

You get into this
business for the poon?

No.

All right, could you ever
love a man my height, 5' 4"?

Big trucks!

Big trucks!
Big trucks!

Big truck.

Took a quick nap before it was
time to head into the stadium

and warm up the crowd.

When I say big, you say trucks.

Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

- Big!
- Trucks!

Big!

Trucks!

Big trucks!

I filled up my tank with some
beer and Nacho cheese then

it was time for the show.

First up is freestyle round,
where trucks do tricks, flips,

and all kind of good stuff.

It's kind of like figure skating
but without Katarina Witt.

Too bad.

That's one sexy German.

Finally, it's the
racing tournament.

Whoever crosses that
line first, whether they

smash their truck or
their pants, is the winner.

Big trucks!

I've been in big truck heaven
here at the Monster Jam World

Finals.

Time to go get my autographs
tattooed on my arm

and find a stripper to
put cocaine on my ...

Don't forget there's
only one thing

better than little trucks.

Big trucks!