All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S02E12.That.Sends.Them.On.Their.Way.Real.Nice.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Da, da, da, da,
da, "7 Minutes in Heaven."

Oh, yeah!

Hi, this 7" Minutes in
Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Jon Hamm.

Hi, Jon.
- Hey, how are you?

Welcome.

Can I call you Ron Draper?

Why, why would you?

So "Mad Men" is
starting season 5

and I got a peek at the
script ahead of time.

So a little spoiler.

Would you mind
giving this a read?

Episode 513.

This is actually the
very end of the season.

Yeah.

Listen up.

Peggy, Pete, January, I brought
you all down to Madison Avenue

to say this.

I've had thoughts of being
unfaithful to my wife,

but I didn't.

I went home and took
care of it solo.

You know what I mean.

I mean, I really went to town.

Backhand, all that.

And that just slowly.

There's a pullback.

Yeah, a pullback.

And then Bob Dylan's
"All Along the Watchtower."

Your first appearance as
Draper was on "Ally McBeal."

- That's not true.
- That's not true.

No.

That was one of my first jobs.

Did you see it?

I saw stills of it.

I couldn't find the scene.

"McBeal" has got a
good, a good tight grasp

on not letting the internet
sneak out any "McBeal."

I didn't know where you
were going with "McBeal's"

got a good tight.

You were in a film
called "The Town"--

I was.

Which I liked a lot.

I thought that was
a really good movie.

Thank you.

That's all you got?

I thought that would
make you kiss me.

This closet was supposed to
be sprayed and everything

for any bugs, but I think
we may have a little problem

with a tickle spider.

Oh.

I'm really sorry about that.

We're really excited to
have a guest like you

and definitely didn't
want to have this happen.

For a bro like you, how often
does the sex act end in crying.

Bro like me's rackin' like 10%.

That's a good,
that's a good percent.

Which is a nice low time.

I'm probably half and half.

Yeah.

Every now and again
I'll just get weepy.

Jon just did "Inside the
Actor's Studio" with the cast

of "Mad Men" yesterday.

So watch for that on TV.

And I'm going to borrow a little
bit as the guy with the beard

borrows from Marcel Proust--

Steal from him.

And a few of his questions.

Where do you live?

I live in Los
Angeles, California.

Like, what's the address?

It's, I'm not.

What's your most
absurd body part?

I think it's pretty
clear, the face.

It's absurd.

What's your favorite way to
say goodbye to British lads?

Tip of the bowler.

Yeah, you got to
tip the bowler at 'em.

That sends them on
their way real nice.

Just, because it's also,
it's like, first of all,

you're wearing a bowler.

Yes.

So you're probably way
higher class than them.

Yeah.
And they know.

When you tip it, it's
like, we're done, guy.

You know, it is called
"7 Minutes in Heaven."

I do know that.

And so a lot of times.

Good man, good
man, this is fun.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, hey, idiots!

Welcome to "The Idiot's
Guide to Smart People."

Get out your boners and vaginas,
because today's episode is all

about sex, and relationships.

As an idiot, you've probably
never dated a smart person,

unless you're attractive,
wealthy or powerful,

in which case, smarties will
gladly convince themselves

you're not as dumb
as you really are.

But even if you're
none of those,

here's how to deal with smart
people, sex, and relationships.

Since your idiot attention
span is fading fast, let's

just skip straight
to the sex stuff.

Modern technology
has made it easier

than ever for
introverted smart people

to find and bone each other.

Unfortunately, this means
they're less desperate to screw

idiots like you.

So you'll have to search
for available smart

people in foreign worlds.

To get a smart
person to like you,

just nod occasionally
while they talk for hours.

That's what they call
a great conversation.

Look at you go, idiot!

You got a smart person into bed!

Now you get to have sex with
someone who will over-analyze

every single second of it.

And if for some reason
you want to keep

seeing that smart
person, you'll have

to trick them into thinking
you actually have a brain.

First off, a smart person will
never trust you unless you

own a bookshelf, with books.

You can't just own the shelf.

Next, you'll have to
plan interesting dates.

And interesting
does not mean always

going to Dave and Busters.

Instead, you'll have to endure
the endless boredom of museums,

performances that no
one wants to be at,

and exotic foods that smart
people pretend to enjoy.

Surprisingly, this relationship
built entirely on lies

is doomed to fail.

But you're not alone.

No smarty idiot
relationship can ever last.

Attractive idiots will age,
rich idiots will get swindled,

and powerful idiots will wind up
dead, with their spouse getting

their congressional seat.

Smart people love
"House of Cards."

In conclusion, true love is just
a fleeting chemical reaction

in your tiny idiot brain, so
get consent, use a condom,

and away, my
horny little idiots.

Hi, Bill.

Is he talking to his kids?

Yeah.

That's adorable.

What are you
doing, boo buddy boo?

Wow, he's getting big.

Our couples are coming.

We're getting started.

I miss you.

Your hair looks great.

Yeah, oh, I love her hat.

- Come in.
- I'm Linda.

I'm Alec.

If I have a
question, just jump in?

You're Alec, I'm Rich.

How
you doin', Rich?

Nice to meet you.

You met where?

Blind date.

Who put you on the blind date?

A mutual friend.

And
they nailed it?

You guys got along right away?

The first date,
right away, right away.

Click.

Who proposed to who?

Who brought up marriage first?

I'm in.

I said it first.

And I said, no, you're not.

You called the police.

I wanted him to
move in with me.

He told me, no.

He said he doesn't want
to just live with me.

He'd rather be married.

And I said, I guess
we could do that.

And we continue to eat
dinner, and then we

look at each other and like, did
we just decide to get married?

And we just kind of chuckled
and said, yeah, I guess we did.

So it seems like you
just fell into all of it.

How'd the three kids come?

How'd you fall into that?

We just kind of
fell into that too.

They're like so cool.

What was their lowest point?

Of course, when you
have kids, congratulations

on the little kids.

Yeah.

You're around them, you
lose some of your own identity

somewhat, because you're
doing for the kids mostly.

When you have three boys
or three kids very involved

with so many
activities, that takes

away so much of your time.

And I think that's
probably the lowest point.

Oh, that's what
I'm talking about.

I
met my wife Hilaria

when I was 52, 53 years
old, but up till then

I thought I was going to be
on my own the rest of my life.

And now we have two
kids in under five

years we've been together.

And I dream about what it was
like to have an empty nest.

All the things I could be doing.

Hold up, what does this guy say?

Let's have a New York moment.

There's a fire truck?

There's a fire truck stuck?
OK.

Fire truck.

Back up, back up this tank here.

Say that again.

Do their
sons have girlfriends,

and if so, do they approve?

Fantastic, Ellie.

You've already earned all
your money for this episode

with this one question.
- You heard it.

We're asking this
question, by the way,

while Belo's making a U-turn
and going the wrong way.

Belo served in Nam.

He used to drive
all the people's

limos backwards in Saigon.

Do your sons have girlfriends,
and do you approve of them?

Um, I think
they're having fun.

Nothing they're committed to.

So I'm going to
ask you a question,

and you answer the question,
because I have the true answers

already.
- Uh-oh.

Sex or Netflix?

Sex.

I don't know what Netflix is.

What is Netflix?

I like sex.

Oh, why did I say that?

If you were forced to
spend the rest of your life

on a desert island with
someone, would it be

Alec Baldwin or Russell Crowe?

I have to say Alec Baldwin.

Thank you.

But it really hurt that
you had to think about it,

but I'm glad you chose me.

I'm being honest.

I'll consider that
somewhat of a victory.

It's a half victory.

We asked him to pick
his wife or his gun.

What did he choose?

Oh, where, click, click.

It better be his wife.

I love her.

What's the thing you try
to stay consistent with?

It's when there's
kids involved,

it's setting the right
example for the kids.

I mean, they're going to learn
by what you do and how you act.

And don't give in
when things get tough.

You have to go for the grind.

It's make it work.

I mean, you got
together, you committed--

- And don't quit.
- For a reason.

- Don't quit.
- You don't quit.

Quitting
is not an option.

Right.
Work through it.

She's going to
launch a clothing line.

Yeah.
She should do everything.

I know.

I love her.

That's an inspiring couple.

I've been a
bridesmaid five times,

and it's an honor to be asked,
but finally, it's my day.

This time, I said no.

I'm a guest.

Oh, I can't believe
it's finally happening!

Oh, I'm
drunk, I'm wasted,

the liquor, can't take it.

Being a bridesmaid is
objectively terrible.

Don't get me wrong, I
love my friend Ashley.

Hi, can I have two of these?

Of course.

Thank you.

What I don't love is paying for
the dress, the bridal shower,

the bachelorette party.

Also, you can wake up
at 4:00 in the morning

and take photos on horseback
in front of a bridge.

It's like someone
decided the best

way to honor your
closest friends

is to make them work for you.

Oh, oh.

- Oh.
- Hi.

Hey.

Oh, you're so tall.

Could you take this?

Could you hold this?

Could you help me?

When you're a guest, all you
have to do is write a check

and show up.

I don't want to go to Vegas
with some bitches I don't know.

I mean, who the
is Brenda?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Oh, beautiful ceremony.

I didn't go to the ceremony.

I woke up at 4:00 PM.

Guess what.

Nobody cares.

I could make out with
Ashley's dad right now.

If I were a bridesmaid,
that would be wrong.

Do I feel left out?

I don't know, I guess I never
really thought about it.

Oh, my God, there's
a chocolate fountain.

I've held enough dresses
up over the toilet.

I just want to relax.

Maybe I don't know,
meet someone new.

Do I want to get married?

I mean, yeah, someday.

Nothing like crazy though.

I mean, I might
have bridesmaids,

but their dresses
would be classy

so you could shorten
them and wear them again,

you know what I mean?

Hey, everybody, I'm Jim O'Heir
and I'm here to play "Caption

This with Above Average."

What do we got, peeps?

Is that Pratt?

My guy looks like a baby.

He's got his hand here.

I don't know where
his other hand is.

If I know Pratt, it's right
down the front of his pants.

Oh, it's my Christie Brinkley.

Oh, my God.

She wasn't going to do "Parks."

She said to her daughter,
I got this offer

to do some show called
"Parks" or something,

and her daughter goes,
"Parks and Recreation?"

And she goes, yeah.

They want me to
play someone's wife.

Jerry Gergich's?

She goes, yeah.

Mom, you got to do
it, you got to do it!

Because the daughter
wanted to come to the set.

So I'm going to caption
this, Jerry loves

his Gayle, hashtag #forever.

Aw, that's me cradling.

I shouldn't repeat this story.

Eh, what the hell.

I make love to it every night.

It's in the bed with me.

It's fulfilling.

Yeah, and I, I'm a tender lover.

Oh God, I could do you.

Anyway, hashtag
#happytohavesomeoneinmylife.

Oh, from "Bold and Beautiful!"

Yes.

Yes, I'm like, I
know these faces.

I don't want soaps, and
it's nothing against soaps,

because I'll tell you, the
lesson I learned when I did

the soap that I won the
Emmy for, did we mention

that, these actors will be
handed 40, 50 pages of material

and are expected
to do it that day.

They impress the hell out of me.

I love this show.

Hashtag #IthinkI'llbedoingmore.

Oh, Mr. Rob Lowe.

Let me tell you a little
story about Mr. Rob Lowe.

I'm happy for him.

Why shouldn't I be?

He looks like that.

I look like this.

I am only two years
older than this.

So what is the
obvious conclusion?

Deal with the devil.

Oh, with that bastard!

OK, here's what's
going on here, OK.

First of all, 100th
episode, what a gift.

So as would be typical,
my face is cut out.

So I'm going to caption this
one of the best days of my life,

hashtag #someofthegreate
stpeopleinmylife.

This has been Jim O'Heir and
I have had a blast doing this.

Jonas, I was so scared,
they had me prisoner.

Jonas!

It's OK, you're safe
now, I've got you.

But there's evil
here, I can feel it.

Quickly, Celina, head to the
ship and man the controls,

I'll be with you soon.

Go!

Jonas, Jonas, Jonas.

We meet again.

Well, well, well,
if it isn't Galgazon.

No, it's me, your nemesis.

Ah, yes, Porkintof.

No.

Is it Peter?

Are you serious?

I meet so many people.

You don't remember me?

We just had a huge
fight in the treetops

on the seventh moon of Argon.

We were underneath the
gravitational shield.

I wore those red shoes.

This was two days ago!

My God, I knew it
was you, Philip Thomas!

What?
No.

Who is Philip Thomas?

I literally just picked
a name and said it.

Jonas, we are two
sides of the same coin,

forever connected in battle.

The light and the dark,
an eternal destiny.

The prophecy?

I'm in a ton of prophecies.

You, you gave me this scar!

Well, no.

You gave me this birthmark!

How?

How is that even possible?

Did you give me this
gift card to Chili's?

No.

Do you want a gift
card to Chili's?

Silence!

You know who I am, Jonas!

Of course, I do, Brad.

Laurie's friend from work.

I don't know any Laurie.

Me neither, I'm just
spit-balling here.

Reba, Martina, Shania Twain?

You're just naming
country music divas.

Are you that guy
from "Downton Abbey?"

Which one?

I mean, no!

I've got it, Jonas.

Nope, that's me,
said my own name.

This is really
hurting my feelings.

Hold up, are you my father?

Because that would be a twist.

That's it!

Prepare to die!

I'd rather die
than see you gain

control of the Galactic Senate.

Ah, so you do know my plan.

Yeah, I know it.

You're going to gain control
of the Galactic Senate

and then everyone is
going to the mall.

Just kill me!

Jonas!

Are you all right?

All that matters
is you're safe.

I love you so much, Jonas.

And I love you, Celina.

Yeah, you keep
calling me that.

The caterpillar is
changing quietly into a bird.

I think our guest is an actor.

He asked for the
narcissist discount.

His name is Caden Masterbane.

Caden Masterbane?

Are you fudging
kidding me, James?

Caden Masterbane is the
hunk on my soaps that I DVR.

Oh, good God, woman.

Oh, such a Fanilow.

He's the only man
that I ever loved.

Friends
for 30 years,

we've been writing comedy,
now we run a bed and brunch

in the Hudson Valley.

Hudson Valley Ballers, what.

What?

Hi, I'm Caden Masterbane.

Yeah, you are.

And this is my wife, Laleila.

Poor unsuspecting biatch.

Do you still water or sinks?

Toilets are poor
ones and twos only.

Oh, also, this couch here
behind me, it's a hide-a-bed.

It works really, really, good.

What the hell are you up to?

What's the deal
with the cookies?

Ask your husband.

Good morning.

Did you sleep well?

Got up to pee six times
and you weren't there.

Where were you?

Getting what's mine.

What the hell did you do?

I did everything.

I bailed on one thing,
because it hurt a lot.

You've got quite the spread.

Somebody said that last night.

Now is this Irish salted
butter or is it useless to me?

Paula it's quite
the culinarian.

Huh.

I heard you were quite
the cunnilingarian.

That's funny, you told me
you were a fellatiotarian.

You tellin' fresh lies
at this breakfast?

Eat and be done
with this nonsense!

So, we were going to
go for a little hike.

Any chance you guys
have a compass?

Oh, a compass.

Well, you didn't
have any trouble

finding south last night.

I know there's GD corn
syrup in this half and half.

So, Caden, how did
you sleep last night?

Oh, when he finally did,
I bet he did sleep well.

You do bet I did.

She do.

Does I?

You does.

Does she what, Caden?

Listen to me, no one likes
daytime drama more than me,

no one.

But it's our anniversary.

I smell cellulose
gum all up in this.

So please, do not tempt me.

Then stop tempting
me with your face meat.

Stop tempting me
with your meat meat.

Stop tempting me with
your trouser meats.

Stop tempting me with your.

Thank you.

He'll be back.

He's the only man
who's ever loved me.

I love you.

What's wrong?

James!

What?

I think the baby's coming!

Oh, oh, James, oh.

Don't panic, Paula.

The baby's coming!

OK, OK, I'm here.

You're going to have
to help me, James.

OK, OK.

I'm going to push it out, OK?

All right.

I don't want to see any of this.
- All right.

- So I'm just going to do this.
- OK.

- OK?
- OK.

OK.

Here we go.

Oh.

Is it a boy or a girl?

It's the one with a
penis that's not a girl.

Oh, it's our son.

Look at you.

Ma'am.

Did you move the
cookies that were there?

You know what I think?

What?

I think childbirth is like
a videotape being played

backwards of a boa
constrictor hiding

in the brush eating a piglet.

Oh, that's so beautiful.

OK, I gotta split.

Let's go.

He's beautiful.

James, that's a doll
I put up there in 2013.

It's cute.

I'm going to go have a drink.