All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S02E11.You.and.Your.Trips.to.the.Bead.Store.Gail.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

And you must be--

Jafar.

Former vizier to Agrabah, humbly
at your service, St. Peter.

Thanks.

My liege.

I'm gonna need that back.

What's that?

My ring.

I don't know of any ring.

What are you referring to?
- It's in your hand.

I need my ring back.

It's in your hand.

Just a hand, brown hand.

What's in the brown hand?

There's nothing in the hand.

Just-- just this.

I can see it.

Just hand me my ring.

You put it down
and I can see it.

Oh, this ring?

This is your ring?
Sorry.

That's fine.

No, I like rings.

That is why you're not
going to get into heaven.

You will let me through
the pearly gate, St. Peter.

Look into my eyes.

I shall rule from above.

The power makes my staff
so hard, St. Peter.

Are you done?

Sorry, it doesn't work up here.

So here's what we've got
you for, attempted murder

of a love-struck Arabian youth.

Misunderstanding.

Probably.

Theft of a magical oil lamp.

Wrong place, wrong
time is what that was.

Sounds like it.

And usurpation of
the Salton Sea.

I don't know what
usurpation means.

I don't either.

So then it doesn't count.

St. Peter, think
of me as a reformer

trying to bring about sweeping
change across Agrabah.

Like what?

.

People do like green space.

And slavery.

Man, that's a real bad one.

OK, I banned plastic
bags from the Bazaar.

That's better.

And I banned women
from the Bazaar too.

Yeah, a lot of
these won't help you.

Then perhaps this shall
change your mind, St. Peter.

You remember the
golden rule, don't you?

Whoever has the gold
makes the rules.

OK, but money isn't
a big deal here.

You really just tried to
bribe me with the gold bar.

No, I was just
working on my traps.

I've been doing crossfits.

Security, will you escort
Jafar all the way downstairs,

please?

Nice try.

Is this not a magic carpet?

No, Crate and Barrel.

Damn Westerners.

Hi, I'm Sugar Boy.

I'm a boy and eat
a lot of sugar.

Wanna hear a story?

I'm gonna tell you a story.

It's a kiss and smooch story
called, "Once Upon a Love."

This is a story of a boy and
girl crushes on each other.

The boy was named
Jared and he knew

how to grow a full mustache.

He was really good
at video games.

He could pretty much beat any
final players in about five

seconds without even trying.

He also knew all 50
states and capitals,

and loved squeeze yoga.

The girl was named April.

And she looked just
like that reporter girl

from "Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles."

She was really good
at skateboarding.

And she could make cool drum
sounds within her mouth.

One day, Jared was
walking home from work

at the Doritos factory
when he looked up and saw

the girl for the first time.

And she was walking
in off slow motion,

and the wind was blowing
on her, and her hooters

were jiggling around.

And that's what he knew he
wanted to go steady with it.

So he went up to
her and told her

how much he liked her hooters,
and she blushed for a while.

Then they decided
to go on a date.

So that night, they
got dressed up.

April wore pantyhose
and a necklace.

And Jared put grease
in his hair and put

on the Sunday school
shoes and a cool tie

with basketballs all over it.

Then he put on some
ChapStick, so lips wouldn't

be crusty if he kissed.

He looked awesome.

He then went to pick her up
and she looked awesome too.

So he gave her some jive answers
and Light Up Yoyo for a gift.

They went to my
favorite restaurant

where you can play cool games.

Jared was so good that
they got enough tickets

to get the top prize, which
was a stuffed animal zebra.

And gave it to April
because it was so romantic.

Then they both
drink a cup of beer

and it made them giggle a lot.

So they walked by the river.

And Jared thought
he'd try out a smooch.

So he leaned in
and hugged her body

and kissed her mouth for a bit.

But then April stopped and said
she didn't want kissing anymore

because the breath stunk bad.

So she got on her
skateboard and left.

Then Jared went home
and cried into a pillow,

beat "Halo 4" in like two
minutes, and went to bed.

The next day he was walking
down by the river again,

and he saw April.

And she was holding
hands with some dentist.

So he went up to her
and said, what are

you doing with this dentist?

And she said, I'm going
steady with this dentist

because his breath smells good
all the time, like toothpaste.

And Jared said,
well, that sucks.

Then he ripped the
dentist mask off his face

and tried to throw it in the
river, but it was too windy.

This dentist was a real bad guy.

He was always giving kids
braces and making them

wear headgear all the time.

And he didn't care at all
how dumb it made them look.

He was a major
buttface, and his name

was Dennis, Dennis the dentist.

How dumb is that?

Anyway, Jared was so mad
that he went home and threw

a whole bunch of apples out
of wall because they look cool

and they splat.

Then he decided he needed
to get back at her.

So he started kissing
any girls he would find.

He kissed the girl
on his front porch.

He kissed another girl
on just some stair.

He even kissed the girl
right next to her horse.

April never found out about it.

Until one day she
found out about it.

And she started slapping
the heck out of him.

And while she was
slapping him, he

started thinking about all
the bad things he had done

and all the girl
mouths he had kissed.

Then he stopped one of her slaps
and turned it into a handhold.

And April thought
that was pretty cool.

And they looked at each
other in the face for a while

and felt all warm and tingly.

So they went back
to Jared's house

and rolled around on the bed.

And we just saw a bunch of
close-ups, some candles,

and flowers, and stuff.

Then they went
back to the river,

and Jared played her a
love song on the recorder.

And they kissed for a long
time, even though Jared

had just eaten a
whole bag of Doritos

and his breath stunk real bad.

And the stupid dentist
stood there and watched

the whole time like an idiot.

Luckily, you got hit by
a garbage truck and died.

Jared and April lived
happily ever after.

Until their
five-year anniversary

when April was caught under
the covers with their exercise

teacher, Sherman.

And he said some
exercise gibberish.

.

So she
went to go live

in her aunt's house
for a while, until she

has time to figure things out.

Jared's been closed
off emotionally lately.

Sugar Boy!

Life can be hard sometimes.

Done.

Oh, my God.

What the heck's the
matter with your hands?

Gina.

Could it be?!

Steak matter.

No, it's worse even than that.

It's the same.

It's a .

This is .

Help us, please.

Listen to me.

I called you here today
because we need better

quality wood for our stems.

Oh, come on, girls.

Get
the hell out of here.

Look
who it is, the queen

of wheat herself, Erin Oatmeal.

Queen of wheat?

Union.

That's the way .

You can do it!

You can--

Well, well, well.

,, Mr.
Fisk, the county clerk.

That's right.

It is I, Fisk.

And I was tipped off about
y'all's little strike.

I want of y'all removed from
the premises indubitably.

Tell your husbands
to come fetch y'all.

My husband has a
pint of ice cream.

I can tell you never miss
any soap operas, do you?

We're
not going anywhere, Mr. Fisk.

Tell him, Erin.

Tell him what?

Unions are for dark workers?

Maybe I should tell him
that this isn't a rash,

it's blood from
a previous injury

that then I used to dupe you.

I'm sorry.

But I did tip off
because he's my boss

and he's a good-looking
man who occasionally treats

me to a big bag of tater tots.

And guess what?

Here's what I think of
your stupid little union.

Onion.

Onion.

Stinks like an onion.

It's onion.

What is that?

Onion.

Onion.

Like onion soup?

That's not really
how you say it.

Are we going to do a
take where she says onion?

I did a little--

Can we do a take where
she says it the way

that the word is said?

And what is that, onion?

Onion.

ashlaheigh Braun-Samuels,
Gina Fra Diavolo.

And I'm Kulie Bishop.

This week, our
off screen rivalry

with actress Sisa McCarron
who plays Erin Oatmeal

came to something of a head.

I made fun of the way
that she said onion.

And it got physical.

It got bloody.
- Richie.

Wolf.

She's insane.

It's like I shouldn't
get notes from her.

I regret it in a way
and in another way.

No, no, I don't.

In any case, we were a
united front, weren't we?

We were.

We took care of her.

We really took care of her.

Thank you so much
for watching this

exclusive behind-the-scenes
look at "Notary Publix."

Friendship.

Look, Ashley!

Get in your cage.

OK.

We're looking
for our daughter.

She was in an accident.
Deidre Curtis.

You're the parents?

Yeah.

Deidre's OK, just
a couple of stitches.

Thank God.

But when we
were doing her exam,

we found something
pretty disturbing.

Your daughter--
she makes jewelry.

Oh, my God.

You and your trips
to the bead store, Gail.

- Hey.
- She did this.

OK.

Hey, let's take a second.

We don't know what causes
women to create piles

and piles of shitty jewelry.

OK?

We don't know.

What we do know, is that
the two main factors

are a staggering lack of
self-criticism and zero talent.

Oh, my God.

She used to sing for us
at her dinner parties

when she was little.

Nobody asked her to.

She was bad.

She was awful.

Do you want to
see your daughter?

- Yeah.
- OK.

Right this way.

God, it's everywhere.

Mom, Dad, I'm so
sorry to worry you,

but I'm making you both Opal
toe rings to make up for it.

As you can see,
it's pretty advanced.

Oh.

Jesus, what are those?

That is a
statement necklace

and those are
Tiger's eye dangling

earrings that we had to remove
from your daughter's hand.

OK.

So you were able to remove them.

So that's good news, right?

It's not that simple.

Let me show you something.

Oh.

Deidre has an endless supply
of beads, wires, trinkets

and feathers in her craft box.

She will make jewelry
for the rest of her life.

Can't you remove the--

craft box?

I'm afraid if we
remove the caboodle now,

she may write autobiographical
short stories.

Oh, so this could
spread beyond jewelry?

No!

Guys, sand
dollar chokers.

It's my new thing.

I'm going to make a hundred.

You should know
that she may never

buy Christmas gifts again.

Come December, she's going
to wrap this shit up.

She's going to hand it to
you and you've got to act

like it's worth something.
- I think I'm going to faint.

I gotcha.

I gotcha.

OK?

Will she at least be
able to open an Etsy store?

Of course, she will.

But that's because any shitty
idiot can open an Etsy store.

Buying her Pandora
style belly chains,

that's going to be mostly
your responsibility.

Should we--

Kill her?

Yeah.

I don't think so.

Not yet.

But we might want to
revisit that depending

on how many brass geometrical
pendants she makes.

Are we going home soon?

I really want to make my
pottery class tonight.

Is there any chance
for a cure here?

You could tell her
that her jewelry is bad.

Oh, no.

Never.

We like to affirm her.

Baby, that's good stuff.

It's so good--

This would look
better on a dog I think.

I'm going
to make dog jewelry.

She's our daughter.

This is unreal.

It's my hobby and my job.

You guys are the problem.

I think I'm going to
go to a film school.

This one is $300.

How long did that
take you to make?

- A minute.
- A minute?

- One minute.
- One minute.

One minute.

You think your
time is worth $300?

Absolutely.

Do you want it?

No.

Yes, we're home, James.

The local gay bar.

These are our people.

How
city-savvy fumes, bitches.

Check it out.

I hope
no one can smell my warming

pain patch on my lower back.

They'll know I'm not 30.

God,
I hope no one notices

that I've got
weight-loss-related skin

surplus under my cap dress.

I don't belong
here and I know it.

Hey!

Oh, my God.

They're so young.

I feel like a mom at a
One Direction concert.

What the fuck am I doing here?

Is that the grandson

of the old gay guy who used
to buy me wings at Applebee's?

Jesus, kill me now.

We should get a drink.

Friends for 30 years,
we've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed and brunch
in the Hudson Valley.

Hudson Valley Ballers.

What?

What?

Hey.

What are you drinking?

The older lady I
rode here with, she--

she will have a White Russian.

I will have a Cosmo, gurr.

Oh, look at that.

Wow.

She's an artisan.

Kind of violent, but I like it.

Yes.

She blew out her
voice earlier today

at a Free Range Chicken Rally.

She's their voice.

What, are you shy?

She's a little short shy.

I'm short shy.

A little short and shy.

I'm into that.

Where's Paula?

Where's Paula?

Where's Paula?

Where-- there she is.

There she is.

Cute.

Oh.

Yeah, I see you.

I see you short shy.

I
hope my panic attack

just looks like I'm on Molly.

Tendons, behave.

You're a delicious drink.

Paula, if you leave me

and I have to stay in that
jackass old house by myself,

I will burn it down
for fun and insurance.

I'm going to go
flirt with the fellas.

You two lovelies
have a great time.

Please
don't leave me, James.

I'm going to end up
doing it with her.

If she isn't horrible
to me, I'm going to end

up giving her everything.

Oh, my God.
There you are.

Thank God.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

This mixologist
won't get off my jock.

Don't act bummed.

You love this.

No, I'm telling you, I don't.

I don't want people
that want me.

That's just who I am.

I'd rather dance with you.

Me, too.

But this music sucks.

Let's give them something
to dance about, OK?

Hi.

Hi.

You guys want me to
make an announcement

about you're looking for
your runaway daughter?

What's her name?

Rude.

We're patrons here.

Yeah, what we would
like is for you

to play that old dance tune.

Maybe you've heard of it.
It goes

Nope.

How about the one that
goes-- um-- shake that bag.

Shake that bag.
It's popping.

It's popping.

Got a microwave, my love.

No?

How about IKEA love?

IKEA love?

It goes
Putting it together--

with no directions.

Not familiar with those tunes.

You listen to me,
Hot Shit McPherson,

we may not know
these cool songs.

But the songs we know, we based
an entire relationship upon.

OK?

We used to time
our shots of tequila

so the buzz would peak right
at the best time in the song.

That's actually
pretty freaking cool.

All right.

Yes!

Our night is
pumping, pump this night.

Our night is bumping,
bump this night.

Our night is pumping,
come bump this place.

Gotta pump this party,
'til it bumps in our face.

Bop!

Pop!

Bop!

In our face.

Watch out.

The party's about to pop.

300 psi.

Party.

Yeah!

Going to party.

Pump this night.

Pump, pump,
pump, pump it up.

Going to pump this party.

Hey, hey, hey, where the--
where do you think you're going?

Hey.

Last night was fun, right?

Were you just going
to sleep with me

and then sneak out
before I woke up?

Well, I-- I thought
I probably should.

We don't even know
each other's names.

That's so rude, Richard.

- It's Brian.
- Whatever.

Come back to bed.

OK.

Um-- I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to offend you by--

You should probably go.

What?

I just feel like
maybe this is moving

too fast and we should make this
maybe just a one-time thing.

I was just trying to leave.

You brought me back here.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Because you can't just leave.

I have to kick you out.

I mean, those are the rules.

Wait, that's crazy.

That's not OK.

Yeah, but I didn't
write the rules.

It sounds like you did.

You're saying that I can't
leave when I want to.

I have to wait till you tell
me that you want me to leave?

Oh, I'm so happy
you understand.

Goodbye.

All right.

Whatever.
- Wait.

Wait.

Aren't you forgetting
to ask for my number?

You just told me to leave.

You said this was
a one-night thing.

Yeah, but I'm not the
kind of girl that says this

is a one-night thing
and doesn't expect

a phone call the next day.

All right.

Look, if I just get your
number, can I leave?

Yeah, I'm not crazy.

Fine, what's your number?

Oh, you want my number?

OK.

Oh, it is 555--

5-- yeah, that's
a fake number.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

It's the first three digits
they use in every phone

number in the movies.
- What?

- Don't act stup--
- What?

Don't-- don't--

So if I call a 555 number,
I will get "The Terminator?"

No, you'll get nobody.

Nobody has those numbers.

What?

That's insane.

Is that like a Netflix thing?

Oh, my God.

This is just-- you know,
Verizon gave me a fake number.

They didn't.

You gave me a fake number.

They gave you a real number.

Then you did not
give that to me.

OK.

OK, I'm going to
tell you something.

I don't want you to be mad.

OK.

- I gave you a fake number.
- Oh, my God.

How dare you?

Let me tell you why.

Because I just feel
like you're going

to harass me at
2:00 AM with like,

you, know booty calls
and slam requests.

And I'm like--

Why would I--

why would I do that?

I didn't-- you-- you asked
me to take your number.

I don't even want it.

You don't want my number?

We had sex.

That is so messed up.

You told me many times
to leave your apartment.

Because you were
trying to sneak out.

Yeah, because I don't
want to talk to you anymore.

I don't want to talk to you.

Then why are we
fighting about it?

Oh, my gosh.

Because this is not the
way it's supposed to work.

If you just leave, then
you just used me for sex.

But if I kick you
out, then I'm a slut.

OK.

Listen.

What's the quickest way
I can get out of here

and have it so you
don't feel used?

Simple question.

Simple answer.

All you have to do is listen
to me ask you to leave.

Then you walk three to
five paces towards the door

then you stop, you turn,
you look at me at roughly

a 45 degree angle, and you say,
are you sure you want me to go?

And I go, you know what, why
don't you come back to bed.

But then as soon as
you get back in bed,

you start acting overbearing.

And I'm like, oh, this is
moving too fast for me.

You should go.

But then I give
you a phone number.

Guess what?
It's a fake phone number.

- No way.
- But you don't know that yet.

Then you leave.
You close the door.

Then you count to three.

One Mississippi, two
Mississippi, three Mississippi.

Then you stop.
You open the door again.

You come back in and
you go, you know what?

Did you want me
to walk your dog?

Because I'm really a cat
person, but your dog is so cute.

And I really feel
like I could take

him out if he needs to poop.

Two things.

One, you don't own a dog.

Two, here's the new plan.

I'm going to leave.

And if you feel used,
that's your problem.

- Oh, we're doing it now?
- Yeah.

Gotcha.
OK.

OK, so then you leave.

And then, Oh!

Well, no!

You can come back, I guess.

Oh, no, I don't want to
marry you right away.

Oh, um-- OK, you should go.

Here's my number 555-1234.

OK.
Then you get the door--

And then count to 3.

1, 2, 3.

Then you come back.

You come back in.

Then you-- action!

You come back.

Oh, he's a slow counter.

1, 2, 3.