All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S02E10.Tastes.Like.Sand.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Oww, James.

That last one was
really painful.

Jesus.

That was a Jonathan Adler
enamel shuttlecock paperweight.

Boing.

James, the neighbors.

Come on.
Come on.

Come on.
Come on.

OK.
Oh.

Let's go.

Hi.

Hi, we're your new neighbors.

We're entirely
new to the area.

We need to ask you
guys a question.

Why don't you like us?

We saw you do something
upsetting the first day

that you got here.

Something in our yard?

- In the yard?
- In the yard?

What?

What can we do in the yard?

We saw you taking
caveman poops

in the yard between
our houses and then

covered it up like a cat.

I think maybe we were
doing pantsless yoga

and accidentally pooped.

It was probably just
fertilizing the tomatoes

like the hipsters
do in Brooklyn.

Geez.

We're so sorry though.

Could we start over?

We're having a chili party.

Would you like to come?

Yes, despite the
fact it's chili.

I fucking hate chili, but
it's too late to change it.

So you know what.

We're sorry, and let's
go for the chili.

Let's go for the chili.

Bring a dessert or something.

OK.

So nice to meet you.

Friends
for 30 years.

We've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed and brunch
in the Hudson Valley.

Hudson Valley Ballers.

What?

What?

I'm just a little worried.

What if, like, everyone wants to
talk about SNL the whole night,

what we do, and all that.

Yeah.

If people get too clingy,
we'll have an escape plan.

I'll give you a signal.
- OK.

It'll go like this.

It'll be something like--

Something like--
something like that.

Got it.
OK.

Gentrification is, like, a
seductive looking social moss.

Like, it spreads, and then
it fools you into thinking

it's, like, a good thing.

Gentrification is-- known.

It's--

I think that--

Listen to this.

Gentrifiers should go.

Yes.

They should just
start fracking.

Start fracking.

It's like it feels good.

Go frack.
You know what I'm saying.

I'm sorry.

No, wow.

It sounds like you're
saying people should frack.

I mean, just stop the
gentrifying and frack.

Just have a frack fest
is what I think Paula

is trying to summate here.

We are talking about fracking.

Having frack fest rather
fracking more fracking less,

there's so many
choices about it.

You know, same as
gentrification--

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

These are our neighbors.

My husband invited them
at the last minute and--

I think we're kidding.

- Oh, about the fracking.
- You're kidding?

Shut up.

We were kidding, yes.

OK, this-- this--
this is a French person.

This-- this is good.

This is really good.

It's a good one.

It's a French person, and
they did things like voila!

Proust.

Marcel Duchamp.

Duchamp-- Duchamp.

No, Edith Piaf?
No, no, no.

This person is a singer?

- Carla Bruni?
- No.

No, no, no.

Jaques Brel.

And then of course went conk!

We can get you all into SNL.

How about that?

We don't own a television.

I don't even
know what that is.

And I actually
raised this newborn's

sparrow, just tiny little thing,
in my apartment in Manhattan.

Oh.

It was so beautiful.

You know, I love that.

You know I'm an animal person.

I have been hired
by the White House

to find creative solutions
for the feral cat

colonies that are running
rampant across the United

States.

We are converting old quarries
into mass feeding terraces.

I couldn't be prouder.

Just a-- just a tag--

tag onto my story,
little endnote.

PS, the little bird used to
sleep in my underwear in a hat,

just swaddled in
some old chonies.

Oh, Mary, I wanna talk
to you about Berlin.

What?

Old man-- old man in the sea?

Day by day.

Are we dumb?

Yeah.

I think there are
times when you're dumb.

No, not me.

We.

What if all this time we
just thought we were so funny

but we were actually just dumb?

What if people thought we
were funny because we're dumb?

Oh my God.

So many kinds of dumb.

These are definitely
some kinds of dumb

that I am I know for sure.

I am directions dumb.

No doubt, OK.

I am important books
dumb for shizzy.

I am politics dumb in
non-election years.

I'm coolness dumb I guess.

Me, too.

I'm vagina dumb.

Yes.

And I'm sports dumb.

Yes, definitely.

But I am co-dependency
brilliant,

and I'm super sharp in the sack.

I'm so immense in the bedroom.

I mean, it's crazy.

Kind of feels good.

It's like freeing.

No shame.

I'm dumb.

It's better to know
you're dumb than to not

know you're smart, right.

Exactly.

What we should probably do
though just in case somebody

walks by the window,
we should pretend

we're doing that
crossword puzzle

to cover our dumb ass tracks.

That's a good idea.

OK, let's see.

Hit me.

11 down toodled in a way.

Toodled in a way.

Five letters.

Five letters.

Fight.

We are not dumb.

We're not.

We're just weird.

We now take you
live to Capitol Hill

where a congressional hearing on
gluten intolerance is underway.

So, Ms. Striff, what
happens if you have gluten.

I get kind of bloated
and, like, tired.

And I feel heavy.

Is it a gluten allergy, ma'am?

I prefer not to call it that.

An intolerance.

It's more of a--

Preference?

Sounds like it's more of
a preference, Ms. Striff.

Is it just that you
want to lose weight?

I can't have gluten, OK?

It makes me feel bloated, OK?

OK?

OK.

State your name
and occupation.

Dan Plore-- performance
artist and stay-at-home father.

What happened after the
last time you ate gluten?

I my pants.

OK.

How do you know
it was the gluten?

Did you eat anything else?

I did have 10 whiskey sours
and a black bean burrito bomb.

Whoop, there it is.

I know it was the gluten.

It was the gluten!

Well, my girlfriend's
gluten-free,

so I don't eat gluten either.

And how do you feel?

I feel much healthier,
and I have more energy.

And there's a lot of
gluten-free options.

Like this gluten free donut.

Please, enjoy.

How is it?

It's-- it's really good.

Need I remind you that
you are under oath, sir?

I'm sorry.

I can't.

I can't do this, Beth.

It tastes like sand.

It was so grainy.

What does gluten do?

Does gluten make
things less grainy?

Why didn't you have
this gluten intolerance

five years ago, ma'am?

Well at the time,
I was preoccupied

with my egg allergy.

You're allergic to eggs?

Not anymore.

What does that mean?

It goes away?

Mr. Yiles, what
exactly is gluten?

So help me god,
I have no idea.

Oh, ugh!

I forgot!

What can't you eat, sir?

Pizza, bagels, pizza bagels,
wheat, rye, certain bananas.

I can't have rice--

no fun-size Snickers.

But you can eat
full-size Snickers?

I'm not a doctor,
Congresswoman.

Take a breath.

Take a breath.

I don't think this is real.

We'll be
back in a few minutes

with this continuing
investigation.

And join us tomorrow for
the congressional hearing

on guys who won't stop
brewing their own beer.

Ba-da-da-da-da,

7 Minutes in Heaven.

Oh, yeah!

Hi, this is "7 Minutes in
Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today
with Rashida Jones.

Hi.

- Hi, how are you?
- I'm really good.

Thanks for having me.

Thanks for coming.

Please say whether the following
makes you horny or super horny.

OK.

Guys with feathered
hair roller skating.

Super horny.

Yeah.

Michael Jackson's
"Off the Wall."

Super horny.

Speaking of.

That's weird, though.

That's weird.

Let me take that back because
there's family relevance there.

Just horny, just horny.

Did your dad produce it?

Yeah.

That's weird.

Can we pass?

Let's pass.

Sweaty, sunburned guys that
are plugging a headphone jack

into their iPod over and over.

Super horny.

Guys who absolutely
dominate in the game "Halo."

Not horny at all.

I'm sorry.

I can't even fake the fun.

Again, the two options
are horny or super horny.

Horny.

This is called tell lawyers
about the movie "Hangover"

on their voicemails.

Hello, you've
reached the law firm ...

Please leave your
name and your number,

and we will get back to
you as soon as possible.

Hi, we just wanted to tell
you about a thing we saw

recently called "The Hangover."

A bunch of guys,
one's getting married.

They go to Vegas for a bachelor
party, and it goes nuts!

And they're like,
we're missing teeth,

- and we got tigers.
- Yeah

What happened last night?

And then they slowly
piece it together.

And trust me, you're
in for a ride.

You should see it.

You have to see it.

So you're going
to be on the show

"Who Do You Think You Are?"

where they research
your ancestors

and surprise you
with facts about it.

Yeah.

I've got some of the
info here that they found.

Your mom's dad used to
tell people he could dunk,

but he couldn't.

He would say, oh,
I can dunk, but I

don't feel like it right now.

So that was your mom's dad.

Wow.

And your great-great grandpa
invented the move where

you say you're going
to go to the bathroom,

and then you go home.

This is a closet theater
we're going to do.

You're a kind of
homely girl who,

once she puts her hair
up and puts glasses on,

becomes a beautiful specimen.

Hey, Mike.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, what's up?

Are you going to the prom?
- Hey, Stephanie.

I don't know.

I think I might be going with
someone, but I don't know who.

And it's not you.

Hey, Mike.

How-wa-watcha, Stephanie.

Don't you wish you
had some of this right now?

Thanks for coming
in the closet.

- Oh, you're welcome.
- I had a really great time.

I had a really great time.

You're super nice
and just the coolest.

You're cool.

I know what you
want out of this,

and I don't know if
I'm willing to give it.

Oh, OK.

I see what you're doing.
OK.

You can.

You can.

No, you can.

You can.

You got it big.

Oh, God.

OK.

Thanks, Rashida.

Oh, yeah!

Hey, everybody.

Welcome to "Wingmen," a
show where we eat wings,

talk about wings--
and sometimes,

the topics of the day.

I'm here with my wingman, Matt.

And I'm here with
my wingman, Ford.

And on today's
episode of "Wingmen,"

we have a special guest--

a wing enthusiast and friend
of the show, Michael Antonucci.

Hello.

Michael, thank
you for being here.

Oh, thanks for having me.

How do you like
the wings so far?

I didn't taste it yet.

Go ahead take a bite.

Full permission
granted, my friend.

Thank you.

I was waiting for permission.

So today we're eating a plate
of wings from Best Wingers.

This is a traditional Buffalo
sauce, a medium spicy level.

It's an accurate medium--

spice but not crazy spice.

A lot of times you get medium,
it's really more of a mild.

Yeah.

This is a true medium.

Yeah.

And again, this is
not a wings review show.

We're not going to write these
on a score from, you know,

a to f.

They're just here for us to eat.

Yeah

The main topic of
discussion for today is--

are boneless wings real wings?

Or are they something
else entirely?

Because they're going to be
in the same section as wings--

Yeah.

but it's going to
say boneless wings.

Mm-hmm.

Where do you
land on this issue?

The term wings
is more of like--

it's like a bigger--

It's a catch-all?

Kind of.
- Yeah.

Like, even in wings,

you have these, which aren't--

You're talking
about the drumstick.

Yeah--
Yeah.

which aren't wings,
Yeah.

but they're called wings.

Right.

So I think, nowadays--

Uh-huh.

boneless wings
are still wings.

They're just boneless wings.

But wings is more of,
like, an experience.

I would say that boneless
wings are an abomination

to the wings name.

That's what I would say.

The big thing for me is
that eating it off the bone

is part of the experience.
- Yeah.

You've got your
bone bucket, and I

think you just get
a tastier your meat

when you've got the bone in it.

The flavor is coming
out of the bone.

- Yeah.
- OK.

And the meat's
falling off the bone.

Yeah.

I feel like a boneless wing--

it's going to be a worse wing.

And I don't particularly
like calling it a wing.

Call it something else.

OK.

Mike, I noticed you pull
the meat off your wing

and then dip it in the sauce.

Yeah.

Why is that?

I don't know.

I think it's easier to
dip if you pull it off.

I felt like you're getting
your hands messier, though.

I mean, there's no doubt that
you have the messiest hands

at the table.
Yeah.

Can we just do
a quick ...

Hand shot.

Do we all go in center cam?

I mean, it's not even
close, as far as I can tell.

Well, you're going
to get messy anyway.

So you might as
well go all the way.

Yeah.

And I like to dip my wing.

Yeah.

And sometimes it's
awkward because you

got the whole piece.

Uh-huh.

And you have to try and,
like, lay it in that little cup.

I'd say that's
not a bad technique.

I'd say it's kind of crazy.

So that brings us
to our next segment,

which is called Wingpressions.

Mike, you said you
have a wingpression.

Load it up for us.
- Sure.

Who are you going to be
doing an impression of?

I think I'm going
to try Al Pacino.

OK.

OK.

Al Pacino, you're over at
our house to watch the game,

and we just got wings delivered.

Ooh, we eat wings or what?

Hey, Al.

Yeah, we just got
a bunch of wings.

Do you want some?

I could smell them
all the way in the hall.

Oh, yeah.

We just unwrapped them.
They just came in.

Yeah.

Mmm!

They're pretty good.

Grab you a beer--
whatever you want.

So how do you feel about
boneless wings, Al Pacino?

I love them.

Do you like them more
than regular wings?

Yeah!

Al, do you want
to watch the game?

We're going to watch the game.

What game are we watching?

Giants and the Jets.

Yeah!

Do you like blue
cheese, Al Pacino?

Yeah!

Do you like celery?

No!

Great.

- Good job-- great wingpression.
- Thank you.

So we're going to play
a little segment with you

called Mild, Medium, or Hot.

OK.

We're going to introduce
different elements of pop

culture, and you tell us
whether you think that they

are mild, medium, or hot--

and give a short
explanation as to why.

Very short.

OK

Data plans.

For your phone?

Please don't ask
additional questions.

I can't ask for clarification?

Hot because people
gotta use their phones.

- Well, great job, Mike.
- Great job, Mike.

You're doing a great job.

You got every
single one right.

Oh, great.

Mike, thank you so much
for being on Wingmen.

Oh, yeah.

Before you leave, we do need
you to sign a contract, though,

that says you love wings.

It's a
legally-binding contract.

It's a legally-binding
contract.

That's fine.

OK-- this contract certifies
that the above guest

loves wings and is voluntarily
participating in-- this guest

will not go on
any other internet

talk shows about wings, related
to-- this contract certifies

that wings are the best
and that the above guests

thinks that wings rule.

Great.

The rest is just
legal mumbo jumbo.

Yeah, you don't have
to worry about that.

So just sign it,
and turn it over and--

What's today's date?

It's the 18th.

So thanks so much, again,
for being on the show.

I think we had a good
discussion about boneless wings.

You think they're real wings.

I think we're united.

We don't think boneless
wings are real wings.

Yeah, I think that's it.
- Yeah.

Bye.

Thank you.

Baby want wings!

So now my mom is
getting divorced again.

And it's just like, I guess
fifth time's the charm.

But like, mom-- get it together.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait-- hold up.

Snoop Dogg is changing
his name to Snoop Lion.

He is?
What?

What?

It's so dumb.

Is so weird, right?

Why is he doing that?

I don't know.

We need to ask somebody
that knows about rap music.

Like Dylan McDermott.

Hey, Dylan McDermott!

Dylan McDermott,
come over here!

Hey, Blake.

Hey, Kenzie.

OK.

So, Dylan McDermott, you know,
like, a lot about rap music,

right?

Like, you're
basically a rap expert.

Why would you
possibly think that?

- I have nothing against rap--
- OK.

Hey, shut up.

We know you love rap.

Yeah.

OK, so why is
Snoop Dogg changing

his name to Snoop Lion?

I don't know why he'd want to
call himself any kind of snoop.

Who wants to be a snoop?

A snoop is like,
a sneaky person.

Dylan McDermott,
that's so not the point.

Look-- it says right
here that Snoop Dogg is

changing his name Snoop Lion.

But why?

- It's like a riddle.
- I hate riddles.

I hate riddles.

First of all, Dylan McDermott
thinks riddles are cool.

Secondly, after a one-second
cursory glance at this article,

it's clear that he's
releasing a new reggae album.

Oh, reggae!

Wait, what's reggae, again?

Reggae is that music
that's from Jamaica.

Jamaica.

[IMITATING
JAMAICAN ACCENT] Jamaica.

Hey, man.

Come to my house.

Don't do that.

Hey, man.

I got a nice car.

Oh my god, that is hil-air.

It's not hil-air.

It's totally hil-air.

It's borderline offensive.

This is offensive, man.

Hey.

Reggae is a musical style
with a long, rich history.

Like Bob Marley?

Oh my god.

You know so much
about rap music.

It's cray.

Yeah, oh my god, wait.

Dylan McDermott, do
you have a rapper name?

Come on.

I don't have a rapper name.

You totally need one.

Oh my god, you need one.

- No, you need one.
- OK.

How about Lil' Dylan?

Yeah, or like,
The Dermatologist.

Or D. McDolla.

Ooh.

What about Fresh
Jazzy McDermott?

- Um--
- Well--

interesting suggestion.

I'll be like, yo, friends.

I'm Fresh Jazzy McDermott.

Oh my god.

Are you going to rap
for us right now?

No, don't be--

that's stupid.

Just a little rap.

Just a little rap.
- Seriously?

Yeah.

Please?

For you guys?

Pleeease.

Pretty pleeease.

If you ask nice.

Pleeease.

All right.
Yes!

All right, wait.
I'll give you a beat.

You ready?
- OK.

OK.

Yo, I'm
Dylan McDermott.

One type of crab
is called a hermit!

Crabs are things
that live in the sea.

They have little claws
to pinch you and me!

I don't know what crabs
really eat!

Sometimes it's seaweed.

Sometimes it's me!

Crab!

Crab!

Crab!

Crab!

Crab!

Crab!

Crab!

Crab wrap!

Crab wrap!

Crab wrap in the USA!

Oh my god!

Dylan McDermott, you're
the best rapper alive!

Oh my god!

Oh my God!

For my homies!

That was amazing!

Oh my god.

Best rapper ever!

Come back.

Oh my god.

Where'd he go?

It was a dream.

Oh my god.

I think that was a dream.

That wasn't real life, right?