All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S02E09.Entracted.Is.Not.a.Word.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Hi, I'm Sugar Boy!

I'm a boy and I
eat a lot of sugar!

Want to hear a story?

I'm going to tell you a story.

It's a real cool, kick
and punch story called

"Chip Lockder, Crime Doctor."

There's a big muscly
guy named Chip Lockder,

and he was the strongest
guy in the world,

probably even
stronger than my dad.

He got a doctor's degree in
face punches and dropped kicks.

He can nunchuck.

He can karate, and he could
even play the electric violin.

His job is to punch
and kill bad guys.

And whenever he saw
someone doing crime,

he would point at
them really hard,

and they would always
do what he would said.

Sometimes he would say
something doctor related--

turn your head and cough.

And whenever he
would fix a crime,

a girl would get naked for him.

So he always made sure
to fix plenty of crime.

Oh, yeah!

One day, Chip
saved a girl from a crime,

and when she dropped
her dress, he

noticed that he liked her face
even more than her hooters,

so they got married
the next day and spent

the night rubbing their bodies
together until they yelped.

The next day, Chip was looking
for lawbreakers on the news

when he heard about a real bad
guy named, Skud Wilkins, who

was wreaking some major
havoc-- like blowing

up buildings and kicking dogs.

This made Chip so mad
that his face turned red,

then he threw his Fruity Pebbles
on the carpet, ripped his shirt

and popped some balloons.

So he went on the porch
looking for this guy,

asking store owners, taxi
drivers, and grandmas,

but they were all idiots.

So he got on his computer,
and after looking

at naked girls for
a little while,

he found this guy's address.

So he got on his
moped and rode as fast

as he could to the dungeon
warehouse crime factory,

did a backflip and
kicked open the door.

Inside, there were a bunch
of minions playing cards,

and it looked like the
biggest idiots he'd ever seen.

So he punched one in the
face, kick one in the chest,

punched the other two
in the butt cracks.

Then he kicked in the
door to Skud's office,

pointed at him really
hard and said a cuss.

.

But he's an
adult, so it was OK,

but then Skud took out
a tranquilizer dart

and spit it into Chip's
neck, and he said owie!

When he woke up, he was
strapped to a table with a laser

beam pointed at his wiener.

Skud said, why are
you trying to kill me?

Because you're a
bad guy, so what?

I hurt and kill people,
that's what I like.

Well, stop doing it.

No!

Also, your new
wife is my hostage.

Oh, man!

I won't let her
go unless you give

me a whole crate of Skittles.

That's impossible.

Nuh-uh.

Yes, huh!

So Chip tried tp break
free but couldn't.

Then they had no idea.

He thought about a
naked girl for a second

and popped a boner so big that
it split the lase beam in two,

and he broke free
of the shackles,

and he cupped his hand, and
threw a fart in his face.

Skud was so stunned by it,
Chip had time to upper cut

his head clean off.

Then he grabbed the girl, gave
her a kiss, touch her hooter.

And then rode his moped so fast
that he went into outer space

and high fived an alien!

Sugar boy!

Sugar boy.

Oh!

Good morning.

Hey, you.

Hey, You.

Oh, it's late.

That's-- So what's-- what's
your-- what's your plan today?

What's on your agenda?

I was thinking
maybe we get brunch?

Brunch, brunch, brunch.

Fun.

The thing, today, I got--

I think I have a doctor--

I've got a doctor's
appointment today.

Oh, on a Sunday?

It's a Sunday doctor.

Sunday doctor?

His-- I'm sorry, his
name is Dr. Sunday.

I know it's confusing,
but he's a-- he's a dear

close personal friend of mine.

He said he'd see me today, so--

Oh, you seem healthy though.

I have herpes.

What?

Herpes.

There was one--

Oh, OK.

Oh, my God.

What if the condom tore?

I meant-- I meant herpes--

Oh, my God.

Did I say-- what
did I say again?

You just explicitly
and clearly said herpes.

No, no, I see-- no, no, no,
no, that's the big-- that--

I see what's happened.

I didn't mean-- I didn't
mean herpes, herpes.

Herpes, herpes?

I didn't mean that.

Dr. Sunday is a kooky
guy, and he gives fun

acronyms to all his diagnoses.

Mm-hm I didn't mean that.

Dr. Sunday is a kooky
guy and he gives fun

acronyms to all his diagnoses.

His fun acronym is herpes?

Yeah to keep it light.

H-E-R-P-E-S. Hasn't, H--

Take your time.

especially received
or possibly be entracted--

- Entracted is not a word.
- Yes, it is.

Definitely not a word.

Google it.

And the S stands for herpes.

The S stands for herpes?

Why wouldn't he make
the H stand for herpes?

It would fall
apart if he did that.

So Dr. Sunday's
official diagnosis

is, let me get this right,
hasn't especially received

or possibly entracted herpes.

Bingo.

It's fun.

It's fun.

OK, you listen to me
carefully, you child.

I know that you're lying to me.

You slipped up and now
you're coming up with all

these bad acronyms to cover it.

But this is a big deal.

You cannot lie to me
about not having herpes.

OK.

What if I was lying about having
herpes in the first place?

You don't have a
doctor's appointment.

It doesn't matter if there is.

Um, I have an appointment.

You know what?

I hope you get herpes.

I hope you get them
deep in your dick.

Let's hang out again soon.

What do
we as women really

think about our appearance?

The answers might surprise you.

These three women
are about to take

part in Dove True
Beauty experiment,

and they have no idea.

How do you feel about
your appearance?

Good.

Pretty good.

There's definitely
room for improvement.

Oh, I feel OK about it.

I have good days, bad days.

Yeah, that bad.

Oh, I have a phone call.

And I have to take this,
but I'll be right back.

There's a mirror
just right there.

OK.

The women think that
this is part of the interview

because we told them that it is.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

What the fuck!

Wow, you must
hate what you see

when you look in the mirror.

Is that supposed to be me?

Because I would never
believe that that was me.

This is not a mirror.

It's not a mirror.

You look in the
mirror, and what you see

is a disgusting zoo animal.

I don't think that I
look like a zoo animal.

But is
that the real you?

No.

Look at yourself
in the mirror.

Do you feel unattractive?

I bet you do.

No, I don't.

That's a man in a gorilla suit.

Animal in the room.

I want to leave, please.

I don't want the $25.

I'd like to go.

Is this the door?

Is this a panel?

Again, the
women have no idea.

What would you say if I told
you that that was not your face

in the mirror--

that was a gorilla man in
the mirror and not your face?

I'd say yeah.

You thought that was you,
and you totally fell for it.

No!

No!

No!

What is wrong with everyone?

What is wrong with
everyone here?

I never thought that
was me in the mirror.

Not once.

Well, you can thank Dove.

OK, just thank-- thank
Dove, #truebeauty.

No.

Just thank them Dove.

We showed you using science.

No.

Dove, you fell for
our weird psychology experiment

and it showed you you're not
actually a hideous monster.

So where's our Nobel
Peace Prize or whatever?

Hi, and welcome to today's
episode of "Cocktails."

My guest today, you've seen
her on the office and on tour

with Jane Lynch, the
lovely Kate Flannery.

- Hey, that's me.
- That is you.

Cheers.

Crazy.
I'll drink.

Thank you.

So if anything I
say to you or ask you

makes you uncomfortable,
just use today's safe word,

which is chicken wings.

So I'm going to list
a bunch of qualities,

and I want you to tell me if
they're turn on or turn off

and you could say why.

Pinatas.

Turn on.

I love to bat the
out of something.

Young Matt Dillon.

Yes, turn on.

Yes.

Old Matt Dillon.

Drives with his knees.

I wouldn't say it's a turn on.

If you don't have arms,
that's a different story.

But if you have
the arms, why not?

Just go ahead and use them.

Absolutely.

Who gave you your sex
talk and how did it go?

My father.

One time, my father gave me
some, like, random speech.

And he said, keep
going to church.

None of that casting couch crap.

That was as close as we
ever came talking about sex.

That sounds so confusing.

I just unlearned everything
I know about sex.

I was wondering if maybe to,
like, build up my self-esteem,

if I could walk past you
and if you could catcall

me some things that maybe
weren't about my appearance,

but maybe just about who
I am and my inner beauty.

OK.

You are the high intellect.

You are very sensitive.

You seem like a
very nice person.

What do you think
is the biggest

mistake men make during sex?

Just being there?

Coming too soon.

I was-- the trying
too hard thing.

The-- whatever porn pose you're
interested in, like maybe not.

Put it on the shelf.

Tell me when to stop.

Is that the size of my vagina?

What's happening?

No, this is the size of a--

Stop.

Got it.

I think we should
have a dirty talk contest.

First person who laughs loses.

I'm warning you, I'm really bad.

Take me .

I win.

I was just wondering
if maybe you could show

me some pointers on my kissing.

You need to be much harder
with your upper lip and much

softer with your
lower lip, but move.

Move.

Keep moving.

Do you want him or not?

Go for it.

What are you doing?

Kate, it has been so
lovely chatting with you

and getting to know you.

Thank you.

I wanted to say thank
you with this parting gift.

This is my book of dirty talk.

Every time I say something
and it goes well,

I write it down here.

And now it's for you.

Oh, well, thank you.

I wanted to share
the ...

Oh, my gosh.

Keep doing what you're doing.

It feels pretty dang good.

Your crotch is very
smooth to the touch.

Is that normal?

Thanks, everyone,
for watching.

The Spawtlight
team already exposed

hundreds of Catholic
priests who are molesting

kids for over 30 years.

And what else could possibly
be wrong with Boston?

Everything.

Spawtlight.

WOMAN 2 [ON PHONE] Hello.

My neighbor bought a Honda CRV.

And now, he's big timing me.

Now, does he think that's
an impressive car to own?

Well, he should.

You think it's
an impressive car?

Spawtlight.

I just
saw a queer riding a Jeep.

My
daughter's is drowning

in a bowl of clam chowder.

Jesus!
They're all animals.

And it's just the
tip of the iceberg.

Every day innocent people
believe the lie that Boston

is a charming American city.

We got to tell them the truth.

It is a culture-less
suburb full of 20 story

office buildings, Irish pubs,
and self-righteous white

people.

That's our story.

Oh, Jesus!

What?

Boston is happening to kids.

I know a kid who
grew up in Boston.

He was really boring.

Don't you see?

They're all safety schools.

I remember he--

he kept whispering that he's
legitimate subway system.

Gordon, no.

It's just a silly,
little trolley.

Yeah, I see that now.

It's not your fault.

He didn't have a car.

Actually, it's pronounced car.

A car.

Try it again.
Car.

Car.

Oh, it's awful.

Wahlburgers!

Where do you find a
good meal in this town?

Oh, my God.

People in Boston think they're
contributing to society.

Damn it!

Why do we live in this city?

You've known all along
that Boston was a pathetic shit

town and you covered it up.

Of, course I did.

You want those losers leaving
Boston moving in next door

to you, huh?

Let them talking to
your kids, teaching

them that it's OK
to wear undershirts

and cargo shorts in public?

Listen to their Dropkick
Murphy's casual racism.

No.

No.

You know what?

I would have done
the same thing.

Spawtlight.

Can I hear it, Spawtlight?

Spat.

Why are you
saying it like that?

Craters give you jitters.

Vermin got you squirming.

Call me Humane Jane at
"Pop Goes the Weasel."

I won't kill anything.

She seems nice.

I just hope she
doesn't hurt him.

Paula, her name
is Humane Jane.

Humane Jane.

It's not Cruella McCormack.

Give me that number.

Runs for 30 years,
we've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed and brunch
in the Hudson Valley.

"Hudson
Valley Ballers."

What?

What?

Hello, ma'am.

I'm Humane Jane.

Fact.

Slicin maybe
populating your home,

but we got to stop them in
their outdoor mating layer.

Do you know what that means?

They're-- no.

All right.

Please be aware of this
treacherous rock formation.

Oh, thank-- thank you.

Woo!

Wo!
Woo!

Woo!

As soon as I find their
sex den, they're going down.

You better mean going
down in the sexual sense

and not as in being killed.

I'm Paula, and I heart animals.

And I trust that
you're going to remove

those creatures in
a way that does not

harm them or humiliate them.

Do you hear me?

Girl, totally.

Do you care to join me in an
invocation before we begin?

It would be my honor.

Dear goddess of
the tiny fuzzies,

please guide my
rough calloused hands

that I might remove the
Slicin from this property

and the surrounding
properties without bringing

harm to them or their families.

We're just going to need
some saltines for bait.

Oh, bait them with
some salty snacks

and throw a cocktail
in their face.

She better at the
hell not be throwing

something at their faces.

My roommate is
an animal nut bag.

Back in college, she
gave a mouse CPR.

Put the whole head in
her mouth and blew.

Didn't you get a
gum hardening disease?

Yes I did, but
it was worth it.

I just can't eat
corn on the cob.

Fact.

I'm not going to hurt
you a little Slicin.

I love them.

In fact, sometimes
I even adopt them

if one really catches my fancy.

Check that out.

Good gliders.

Is he dead?

He's not dead.

He's just chilling.

Being cool when they're alive.

Act a little .

Do you happen to have some
canned air on your person?

I always do.

Thank you so much.

Fact.

Slicin have a real food
boner for saltines.

Who doesn't?

And when that doesn't work,
the only thing they like more

is hot gossip.

I love it.

So now I'm going to go
over there and dish the dirt.

Hope some of them
want to join in.

Shady.

Then what are you going to do?

Then I do my humane thing.

Why did you just-- why
did you just wink at him?

Because I'm into
guys with micro pins.

Chill out, bitch.
- Oh, my God.

She can see through
gene material.

I'm off put.

Yeah, I can.

Now's the time that
I use my humanely

taxidermied Slicin
that I got right here

to attract the other Slicin.

Did you hear about
Veronica's husband

down at the car dealership?

He couldn't find a charger
for his electric car.

So he went and talked
to his manager.

Manager said he'd
get back to him.

Get back to him!

Buy my beak of Sally.

Well, I think that
the situation is

that he's probably not going
to hear anything for two

to three days.
Two to three days?

You've got to be fudging me.

This gossip is as
dull as a hotel gym.

James, it's working.

Look.

Oh, you're cute.

There you are.

You're so cute.

You're like a little
Pinocchio and a little mink.

Paula, why do you fall in
love with everything that moves?

What are you going
to do with him now?

I'm going to spray
them with my humane spray

and they're going to fall
asleep their eyes open.

Why did you just
wink at him again?

What was that one for?

You know what?

I'm not buying you.

You come with me.

I think we need to talk.

Have a little humane time out.

Excuse me, James.

This is my baby.

I didn't grow him in my body.

I grew them in my heart.

But I want you to know
his tendery velvetness.

Isn't he amazing,
fellow animal lover?

He's, kind of, stinky,
but he's fine I guess.

Fact.

William is the Truth Basset.

If you're holding William,
you can't tell a lie.

Humane Jane, were you
going to kill those Slicin

and make a fur coat?

No, I was not.

I was possibly going to borrow
some fur for a spring shrug.

And do you think that fur
makes you cooler or something?

No, Paula.

Just hotter and more
popular at the flea market.

Pop those tags.

And do you think
that this little baby

thinks well of that about fur?

Do you think that this baby
thinks that fur is cool?

He's looking to
me for protection.

He does know to fear me.

It's like he thinks
I'm his me match.

Let it in.

Oh, God!

Let it in.

My hearts full of feelings.

Open that heart.

Oh, God, William.

Like an origami swan.

Oh, God!

Let it out.

Oh, God!

I've got a firework inside me.

Let the fireworks go.

Let the love burst.

Close your
peepers, lay you down.

Wear your dreams
just like a crown.

And William, never trust anyone
who calls herself Humane Jane.

So it's just right this way.

Right in here.

This is it.

There are more rooms
down the hall too.

Oh, sure.

This is the Pixar sad lab.

Yeah, we work on discovering
new ways of making our audiences

cry as much as possible.

It's like the Human
Genome Project.

But instead of
mapping DNA, we're

trying to make people sob so
hard that they lose their shit.

Oh, yeah, we're trying to make
people real sad on purpose.

I love it.

Tissue sample.

OK.

So we're
constantly researching

characters and
storylines in order

to maximize sadness potential.

How do you guys
feel about a rabbit

who can't hear very well?

That's sad.

A boy who's
reunited with his dog

that he thought was dead?

Sad.

Sad balloon.

That's, kind of, sad.

Color yellow.

Oh, that's sad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We found that
our ideal formula

to really get audience's tears
jerking is to ambush them.

For instance, when you're
watching up, if you're thinking

it's a kid's movie,
what could go wrong?

The balloons, and then wham!

Miscarriage and a dead wife.

Can we make the
eyes a little bit bigger?

Yeah.

OK.

Oh, this is good.

I'm feeling very
bad for this guy.

Oh, he is very sad.

Let's make a movie.

I'm Eric, lead researcher
on character development.

You know Nemo's weird Finn?

This guy?

That was me.

I'd say a big breakthrough
came with "Monsters Inc."

We developed a scene
in the end where

tucking a little
girl into bed and she says,

kitty.

And it's always says,
kudos to Cornell.

Yeah, that
was our moon landing.

And that's a break
room if you need a break.

And here's the music analysis--

You can't go in there.

Well, when I see someone
walk out of a Pixar movie

and their face is swollen,
noses run, I get to say,

I do that to them.

And 'cause now we're
like super rich.

Oh, yeah.