All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S02E07.Everything.Has.Been.Done.Since.Roman.Times.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

"7
Minutes in Heaven."

Oh, yeah.

Hi this is "7 Minutes in
Heaven" with Michael O'Brien.

I'm here today
with Fred Armisen.

- Hello.
- Fred.

- How you doing, Mike.
- Welcome.

- Thank you.
- "Portlandia"--

Yeah.

True or false?

I would say false.

Yeah, yeah.

But, yeah.

Yeah.

That one wasn't 'cause
of "7 Minutes in Heaven."

I just got really charmed.

You used to open for Wilco
before you were on "Saturday

Night Live" and everything.

You were doing a comedy
opening for a band.

Was the crowd every like--

No, they-- they-- the crowd--

I remember looking at them and
then looking up at me like why

are you doing this to us.

They were-- I felt
like the vibes were

like let's just ride this out.

Let him--

Maybe he's sick.

Let him do this thing.

You famously claim to
have invented doggy style.

Yeah.

It doesn't-- that doesn't
seem to be possible.

How do you justify?

Because what I
meant to say was I

invented it of this generation.

Oh.

Everything's been done
since Roman times but--

Right.

My thing is, like, our version
now I invented this sort of--

You were the first
one to kind of do the--

- Absolutely.
- Current.

It was more of a
joke at first and be

more like let's bring
back those times,

and then no one was
familiar with it.

And I was like, well,
this is what it is.

I'm kind of psyched and it's
weird and it's huge and--

Oh, people love it.

Especially now that-- well,
the thing that freaks me out

is when it's other countries.

This is closet sound
with Fred Armisen.

Just don't worry
so much about--

No, I--

Like that.

OK.

OK, da da.

Oh, this is--

Did you call me da da?

Mmm hmm.

All right.

Is that cool?

Hi, da da.

Yeah, it's cool.

This is unverifiable
impressions.

How about we won't know
if it's good or not,

but the last male
hooker you solicited.

The last one?

Like a quick impression of it.

That's what he was like?

And finally an
impression of your dad

when he comes with you to
get a male prostitutes.

OK.

Like, ready?

No.

That guy, no.

Very-- maybe-- yeah,
yeah, this one.

Yes.

I think you give off, by
the way, in life the vibe

that you're such a good boy.

Like, genuinely I hear it all
the time from fans, my parents.

Everybody loves your
stuff on the show.

It's like--
- No, I'm a good boy.

You're so funny, and you
seem like such a good boy.

If you ever see my
plates when I eat--

Yeah.

- I always clean off the plate.
- Yeah.

And every time
I'm done, I'm like--

I'm like--
- Yeah.

I'm a good boy.

I like show my
plate, and I'm like--

Also when I walk, I
have my little box and--

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you so much.

I love--

Is my body language OK?

Working with you.

We can fix all that.

OK.

That wasn't so bad, huh?

No.

Come here.

Kiss me.

SO much.

Kiss me so much.

Oh, yeah.

Paula, there are
definitely ghost up in here.

Oh.

I feel it in my nipple hair.

It's standing on end.

James--

Uh-huh.

There are people
walking up into our yard.

Oh, I wonder if
they're our first guests.

Or maybe our first
country lovers.

Well, let's not
commit to anything

until we get a clear view
of their badonkadonks.

- Hello.
- Hey.

How are you?

Hello, tall one.

OK, come on, that's--

He is the tall one.

What's up?

Do you have any vacancies?

I mean, I wish I would have
had kids to be honest, looking

back now in my 50s, you know.

I mean, it sucks
not having kids.

Yeah, I wish I had done
way less charitable work.

Man, what is that thing?

OK, what is that,
some kind of gadget

like a paranormal something?

Oh, paranormal shmaranormal.

No.

No.

No, it-- no, it's
a remote control

for my friend's bionic arm.

Watch.

I'm-- 20% bionic.

Yeah.

Johnny, are you watching this?

Yeah, oww.

OK, she can do
the splits, too.

I can make her do the splits.

You know what?

I can't do 'em today.

Can you try that on me?

Oh, yeah, I feel it.

Johnny, this thing
is heavy duty.

- You do?
- Oh, yeah.

- That's awesome.
- Oh, yeah, I feel it.

- Maybe, well--
- Uh huh.

- Oh, no.
- A lot of ticks.

Oh, no, these are real.

It's-- there's a
lot of ticks here.

That thing is amazing.

That's too bad, huh?

I like the way
it makes me feel.

Hey, listen, guys.

Welcome to our B & B.
We've been alone up here,

So, you know, if we hover
at all, just tell us,

and, you know, if it
bothers you or anything.

Friends
for 30 years,

we've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed and brunch
in the Hudson Valley--

Hudson Valley Ballers.

What?

What?

So we have the
plants, of course.

This is the living--

this is the living--

family living room, living room.

First room after
the front door.

Buttload of books.

There's drinks there.

Chair to enjoy the book.

That door does not work.

Oop.

This room works.

They're like pigeons.

This is the one for you.

Come on in.

And I don't want you to worry.

We won't come a horsing if
you to are intercoursing.

Whoa.

Gross.
No.

This is my sister.

Oh.

Yeah, so that's
my brother so gross.

Then why are you two tabooing?

Oh, God, no, we're not--
you only have one room.

Oh my God, we
completely forgot.

- Yeah, that's right.
- We completely forgot.

We're older people.

And one room.

No, we don't take it personal.

Not gonna look down on you.

Well, he looks
down on everyone.

I mean, even if he
wasn't my brother,

I would never hook up with
him in a million years

because he's always ripe.

OK, yeah, all right.

Thanks an ass, Leticia.

Hey, no problem 'cause
real talk, it's called soap.

I know what that is.

I know what soap is.

Hey, do you guys have any wine?

Ahhh, wine.

We forgot everything.

We're so sorry.

We forgot it.

Oh, hey, do you have any
nicotine gum or menstrual cups?

We don't have anything.
I'm so sorry.

None of it.
Zero.

But we'll get
some stuff for you.

We'll stock up.
- Yeah.

Stock up and--
- So--

Bye.

You two enjoy yourselves.

Enjoy.

Sorry.

To our first guests.

First guest.

That's very old wine.

I got that in the cellar.

It's antique douche.

See label?

Mrs. Holland
Bloomer's bottom water.

It's not bad.

Yeah.

I'm so douche drunk right now.

Paula, I have to
confess something.

Oh, tell me, spill it.

You know, I'm feeling
that deep down--

You like women now?

No.

I hate--

Me.

No.

I hate the country.

What!

Yeah, it's like a giant
litter box for birds.

James Owen Anderson,
you are that pre gay boy

from that Kentucky tobacco farm.

It's too quiet here.

It's like chewing a
banana on the moon.

But you taught me how to
love the country, James.

You are the country.

Well, if I'm the country,
I'm gonna say something--

and this is probably to
get a lot of attention--

but I hate myself.

Well, I hate myself, too.

To hating ourselves.

But this house is going to
be like a teat bursting,

bursting with self-esteem
boosting lactants.

This way, Johnny.

OK, enough's enough.

We can't stay here.

There are vermin all
over this shithole.

Look at this.

Look.

Can you believe this?

They just ate the square dancers
clear off my belt buckle watch.

No square dancers--

Wow.

No belt buckle, huh.

You know, we tried to
take a nap before dinner

and something
crawled in between US

and its nose was
very dry and sharp.

And it was nibbling
all up and down my bod.

What do you want
us to do about it?

It's your room.
You go take care of it.

James, be cool.

They're gonna Yelp us.

Be nice.

Thought you didn't have
any wine, you dick wine.

Liars.

Big time liars, two
of 'em, huh, Johnny.

You're lucky we
don't kill you.

And zero ghosts.

Tastes like college.

Just wondering if I
could have a little bit.

There's no more wine, Johnny.

Get the bags.

OK, we'll see you.

Maybe the vermin are just
tiny little hairy ghosts.

In the 1800s, they
called them burlies.

They looked like my friends
Brandon and Brendan.

Maybe they're feral
cats who are just sensing

my childless related despair.

I don't care what they are.

I just wanna go back
to my gayborhood

and get a heel
paraffin wax treatment.

James, we're not quitters
except for that time

that we tried to write a movie.

We can do this.

We can do it.

I don't want to do this.

Well, tough shit because
we are going to do it.

I'm telling you,
you agree to this,

and we are going to do it.

Come on, La La.

Come on.

James, you're
gonna love it here.

I promise you.

We're gonna have so much fun.

France, ooh, la la.

Famous for its sophisticated
culture, beautiful art, food,

chic fashion, and museums.

The French have a
lot to be proud of,

and, boy, are they proud.

So proud, in fact,
that many people

think of the French
as a little snooty,

especially towards Americans.

If French humor is half as
fancy as French culture,

would my Midwestern
American brain

be chic and sophisticated
enough to understand it?

I'm Brooks Wheelan, and
I'm about to find out.

If I was really gonna
learn about French comedy,

I had to assimilate.

I couldn't walk
around Paris acting

like some dumb American tourist.

We just got to Paris, I've
never been here before,

but I think I get it, you know.

I've seen "Ratatouille."

I think the key
to being Parisian

is just to be pretty
disinterested in everything.

Like even if someone's
like this is my new baby,

you're like, OK, I've
seen a baby, you know.

You just play it cool.

So I'm gonna pick up smoking
because everybody here is doing

it and they look pretty good.

So it can't be anything
wrong with these.

I looked pretty French.

But no matter what I
did, nothing seemed

to impress any French people.

Bonjour.

Au revoir.

I had to change my approach.

I went back to my
hotel room to watch

some French TV
hoping it might teach

me more about French culture.

Pretty much every channel
was playing American sitcoms

like "Two and Half Men"
and "The Big Bang Theory"

just translated into French.

I was confused.

Did French people really watch
this much crappy American TV?

Are these shows
funnier in translation?

I decided to talk
to some experts.

Mark and Sophie have been
translating American comedies

into French for over 20 years.

They've translated everything
from "Inspector Gadget"

to "The Office."

Could you give us, like, an
example of, like, a line,

like, an English speaking
line that doesn't translate?

This one was in "The
Land Before Time."

The basic line was who
wants some chocolate.

Me.
Me, too.

Me, three.

It's untranslatable in French.

OK.

Oh, because me too is--

It doesn't work basically.
- That's interesting.

You have to change it.

So I was watching
French television earlier.

I was surprised to see there
was a lot of American sitcoms.

Do you know, like, why that is?

French people like
American movies or series.

What, like, American shows are
really big on French television

right now?

"Big Bang Theory"
works very well.

Over here?

- I think "Entourage" a bit.
- "Entourage"?

Yes.

In America, we have
this point of view

that France doesn't
like us, you know.

Yes.
But it-- right.

We don't like you.

Sometimes it's love and
everything is all right,

and sometimes it's
the french fries

are banned from everywhere.

But not all French comedy
is American and not on TV.

The most popular French comedy
today is entirely online.

Studio Bagel is one
of the biggest sketch

comedy troupes in France.

They're hugely popular.

I couldn't wait to meet some of
these chic Parisian artistes.

What is you guy's job
here at Studio Bagel?

Well, we're comedians--

And writers.

And writers.

I will fight with
the Studio Bagel.

We are trained to
write sketches.

Well, funny.

Just because it's funny not
because we are French and--

Sure.

French will get it.

Are there any stereotypes
that you guys grow

up with about, like, Americans?

I grew up with the idea
that the United States was,

like, greatest and the worst.

It's like it has everything
that I love about comedy,

about humor, about
the people there,

but we also got raised in a
way that, you know, Americans,

they would-- they're not
really healthy and they

really like themselves and--

Yeah.

They believe they're the
only one on Earth that really

matters, but in a way if
both we could live there,

we would totally go forever.

We grow up with American TV
show like "Family Matters,"

"Fresh Prince" and "Friends."
- "Friends," yeah.

"Friends" is big over here.

So we are into it
since the beginning.

What about, like, Louis CK?

Very self-deprecating.

Does that translate do you
think to, like, French--

the French people's
sense of humor?

No, I don't think so.

Yeah, my parents
wouldn't like it.

It's too daring.

Most of the people, they
really like to say, oh,

I'm like this guy, and
since Louis is really,

really assuming everything
that is wrong about him,

they're like I don't
want to be like this guy.

Oh, yeah.

Sure.

Are there any big
French comedies

that I should check out?

Like, what--
- Like funny movies?

Yeah.

Oof.

It's cool learning about
this French sketch scene.

Seems very, very
much like what's

happening over in America, too.

Would you like
to be in a sketch?

Yeah.

All right.

Wow, a chance for me to
become a true French auteur.

The fact that I didn't
speak a word of French

was a little concerning.

Je m'appelle Brooks.

The true French artistes
speak with their eyes.

I went over my role with Studio
Bagel's head writer whose name

is Mr. Octopus for some reason.

Yep.

Sure.

But what?

That's the peace act?

I can't believe this.

I'm gonna be .

All right.

I mean, I trust you.

Yeah.

I don't know if I should.

Yeah, it's just weird.

I have, like, a family.

Yeah.

So I'm just worried
that they'll see this.

My butt?

My real--

No way.

No?

No.

No.

This would never
happen in America.

It was very French, so
that's why we're here, to see

what French people find funny.

Let's do it.

They're giving me makeup
to look tired right now,

which I don't think I need.

The makeup lady was amazing,
and I look like a nightmare.

I don't know what
I'm doing anymore.

There's a feeling in my stomach
that like don't do this.

You want me to get in there.

Yeah.

What do mean
just get in there?

All right.

What the ?

SAG when you need 'em.

I haven't signed anything.

I just realized that.

Action.

This wasn't like
"Ratatouille" at all.

I better get, like, a
French Webby for this.

What?

Best acting in a
sexual assault sketch.

French people may not like
self-deprecation, but they

sure do like deprecating me.

I told you the end of
it he had a huge cock.

Oh, .

No.

Thank you.

Thank you, Brooks.

Well, that was France.

We came in with a
lot of stereotypes

that they were, like, snooty and
didn't like American culture,

but then I turn on the TV,
it's all American culture

and their comedy that
I saw is the least

snooty comedy I've ever seen.

It's kind of the
opposite of snooty.

I mean, look at the
sketch that we did.

That's what they think is funny.

Aliens ejaculating on
farmers is pretty far

from chic and sophisticated.

This may be one
instance where Americans

may have the upper hand.

So, France, you stick to
beautiful art, architecture,

and gourmet food and
leave the crappy sitcoms

and gross out comedy to us.

Welp, I'm just gonna go
skateboarding around Paris

and think about what I
did and why I did it.

Au revoir.

There she is, our
darling screenwriter.

Oh, Amy, honey, do
you need something?

I'm OK.

Well, if you're
OK, then I'm OK.

OK?
- OK.

OK.

OK.

"Look Who's Talking,"
we loved this script.

We love the size of the pages.

We love those little numbers
on tops of the pages.

We love the gold things that
are holding the pages together.

I just had a few issues
with some of the writing

that we're hoping to
go over with you today.

Yeah.

I'd love some
notes and feedback.

The first thing I noticed
is your opening scene

takes place inside a vagina.

Right.

Have you ever tried to
get a camera inside a vagina

because I have and
it is not easy.

Get a lot of
talking sperm, too.

That's going to be a
real production problem.

I'm just not sure
we'd be able to get

microphones that teeny tiny.

Where would you find
microphones that small?

In China?

You know, I think
it'd be better off

we just got that crappy
scene if that's OK.

I just sort of felt
like that scene sets

the tone for the whole movie.
- Great.

- OK.
- Great.

Yeah.

Flexible with that.

Now we love it once
we get to the baby.

Baby's great.

We all love babies,
especially me.

I'm trying to have one
actually, but I can't.

But similar to the sperm, the
baby's doing a lot of talking,

too.

I don't know if you know
this, but babies don't talk.

Yeah.

That's why it's called
"Look Who's Talking."

Really?

I thought it was called
"Look Who's Talking"

'cause there's people
on screen and we're

looking at them talking.

Oooh, now there's a
good idea for a movie.

Nice one, Darry.

Babies don't speak
in full sentences, Amy.

Babies say things like
goo goo ga ga or--

- Mee mee.
- Mama.

- Moo moo.
- Mama.

Me wanty.

Me wanty.

That's what babies say.

You know, and by the time
we could teach a newborn

to say all these stupid
things that you've written,

it'd be too old to
be in the movie.

Right.

I was actually thinking
the voiceover of the baby

would be a man's voice.

I actually had Bruce
Willis in mind.

Wait a second.

So you want me to call
Bruce Willis on the phone,

ask him to play a baby?

Amy, when you
originally pitched this,

we all thought it was
a romantic comedy.

Are you a liar?

It is a romantic comedy.

It might just be a hard
sell if we've got a talking,

mutant, man baby is the star.

We could repackage
it as a horror film.

You know, I think that'd
be great 'cause it's so

terrifying right off the bat.

It's not a horror movie.

You know what, let's
compromise then,

and let's just nix
the baby character.

I love that idea.

It gives us a chance to focus
on the man and the woman.

Oh, great.

Then we can call
Bruce Willis and say,

hey, Bruce, got a great
part for you as a man.

I could see it now.

"Look Who's Talking--

A Grown Man and a Grown Woman."

Oh.

I love it.

So let's make those
adjustments right.

I mean, that way it sort of
negates the whole reason I

wrote this script
in the first place

was to sort of get this
new perspective of,

like, what it's
like to be a baby.

You know, on your first--

Look who's still talking.

She's still talking.

OK, well, I'm sorry, but then
we're going to have to pass.

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

All right.

I guess I will just try
my luck elsewhere then,

Honey, no one's going
to buy this piece of shit.

You wrote a shitty movie.

No one's going to buy it.

We love you, Amy.

I want to tell you
right now we, love you.

We love this meeting.

You know what just
come back tomorrow,

pitch us the same idea again.

We really loved it.

Do you know how to get
the hell out of here?

I do.
I do.

- OK.
- Great.

Thank you so much.
- All right.

Thank so much.

Bye bye.

Love you, miss you.