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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:05,135 Runs for 30 years. 2 00:00:05,266 --> 00:00:07,398 We've been writing comedy. 3 00:00:07,529 --> 00:00:11,620 Now we run a bed and brunch in the Hudson Valley. 4 00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:13,404 Hudson Valley Ballers. 5 00:00:13,535 --> 00:00:14,318 Why? 6 00:00:14,449 --> 00:00:15,319 What? 7 00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:21,195 Paula, you know that soaps aren't real, right? 8 00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:22,979 Yeah, well, tell that to Victor Newman when he gets 9 00:00:23,110 --> 00:00:25,329 stuck in a winery fire, James. 10 00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:27,462 Hey, is there something up with your woman? 11 00:00:27,592 --> 00:00:30,378 I mean, the girl you share expenses and cats with? 12 00:00:30,508 --> 00:00:32,510 It doesn't matter, James, because she's 13 00:00:32,641 --> 00:00:35,905 just Jamie and nothing more. 14 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,254 Oh, Tampa, Tampa, Tampa. 15 00:00:37,385 --> 00:00:38,125 Hey. 16 00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:39,300 It's Tampa St. Pete. 17 00:00:39,430 --> 00:00:40,649 I've taken a winter lover. 18 00:00:40,779 --> 00:00:41,867 Oh, nice to meet you, Tampa. 19 00:00:41,998 --> 00:00:42,781 How are you? 20 00:00:42,912 --> 00:00:43,695 Good. 21 00:00:43,826 --> 00:00:44,914 Your hand's very warm. 22 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,742 Oh, I've got a raging fever. 23 00:00:46,872 --> 00:00:48,570 Oh, that's fantastic. 24 00:00:48,700 --> 00:00:49,962 What's your trade, Tampa? 25 00:00:50,093 --> 00:00:51,921 Well, I'm a muralist for Olive Garden, 26 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:53,966 and I also do voiceover for porn. 27 00:00:54,097 --> 00:00:55,403 Wow, that's impressive. 28 00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:57,100 Hey, tell her your porn name. 29 00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:59,711 People know me in the porn world as Tampa Saint Penis. 30 00:00:59,842 --> 00:01:01,235 From Manhandled. 31 00:01:01,365 --> 00:01:02,279 Give her a little sample. 32 00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:03,672 All right. 33 00:01:03,802 --> 00:01:06,414 Well, maybe-- maybe this sounds familiar. 34 00:01:06,544 --> 00:01:07,328 Oh, yeah. 35 00:01:07,458 --> 00:01:08,807 Dust it, boy. Dust it. 36 00:01:08,938 --> 00:01:09,765 Yeah. 37 00:01:09,895 --> 00:01:12,289 Doh, put it in that. 38 00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:13,812 Do the one you did at dinner the other night. 39 00:01:13,943 --> 00:01:14,726 Oh. 40 00:01:14,857 --> 00:01:15,901 Yeah, yeah. 41 00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:26,956 Good morning. 42 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:27,957 Is it? 43 00:01:31,439 --> 00:01:32,440 Oh, Paula. 44 00:01:35,356 --> 00:01:38,098 Excuse me, men, I'm about to break up with Paula. 45 00:01:38,228 --> 00:01:39,011 That's OK. 46 00:01:39,142 --> 00:01:40,230 Do you mind a scoot? 47 00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:42,624 No, we're going to stay here. 48 00:01:42,754 --> 00:01:43,494 Fine. 49 00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:44,408 Hey, Paula? 50 00:01:44,539 --> 00:01:45,496 Yeah. 51 00:01:45,627 --> 00:01:46,932 I got to tell you something. 52 00:01:47,063 --> 00:01:48,456 What's that? 53 00:01:48,586 --> 00:01:51,937 I'm breaking up with you now and I'm going to go. 54 00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:56,507 No. 55 00:01:56,638 --> 00:01:58,030 Don't break up with me. 56 00:01:58,161 --> 00:01:59,119 Don't break up with me. 57 00:01:59,249 --> 00:02:00,250 - I got to go. - No. 58 00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:01,164 I got to. 59 00:02:01,295 --> 00:02:02,513 No, you're not. 60 00:02:02,644 --> 00:02:04,211 We're just taking a walk. - Would you-- 61 00:02:04,341 --> 00:02:05,864 We're going to go take a walk and make out in the barn. 62 00:02:05,995 --> 00:02:07,388 No. No, you can't go. 63 00:02:07,518 --> 00:02:08,258 You can't go. 64 00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:09,694 You can't go. 65 00:02:09,825 --> 00:02:10,869 You're my everything. 66 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:11,914 You're my everything. 67 00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:12,828 I'm nothing. 68 00:02:12,958 --> 00:02:13,829 I'm nothing. 69 00:02:13,959 --> 00:02:14,873 Nothing. 70 00:02:20,575 --> 00:02:21,837 My baby got corn hair. 71 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:29,018 God, I'll miss you biting my hair. 72 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:29,932 Get out. 73 00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:38,897 Get out. 74 00:02:43,641 --> 00:02:46,296 Who in the hell is that handsome asshole? 75 00:02:46,427 --> 00:02:47,819 This is Karen. 76 00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:51,562 She landscapes at the golf course, and she gets me. 77 00:02:51,693 --> 00:02:53,564 Oh, she gets you? 78 00:02:53,695 --> 00:02:55,740 Well, you know what else you're going to get, Karen? 79 00:02:55,871 --> 00:02:57,655 A whole heap of hep. 80 00:02:57,786 --> 00:03:00,832 How dare you. 81 00:03:00,963 --> 00:03:02,007 How dare me? 82 00:03:02,138 --> 00:03:04,314 How dare you. 83 00:03:04,445 --> 00:03:06,621 How dare you. 84 00:03:09,711 --> 00:03:10,712 I love you. 85 00:03:10,842 --> 00:03:11,930 I love you. 86 00:03:12,061 --> 00:03:12,844 I'll miss you. 87 00:03:12,975 --> 00:03:13,932 Oh, I'll miss you. 88 00:03:14,063 --> 00:03:15,151 You'll still be my therapist? 89 00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:16,065 Yes. 90 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,240 Tuesdays at noon? 91 00:03:17,371 --> 00:03:18,241 I love you. 92 00:03:18,372 --> 00:03:19,111 I'm going to really need it. 93 00:03:38,435 --> 00:03:39,567 I'm done with women, guys. 94 00:03:39,697 --> 00:03:42,439 It's official. 95 00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:45,486 It just cuts too deep. 96 00:03:45,616 --> 00:03:48,228 James, do you mind if I hike myself up on this one 97 00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:49,446 and try it? 98 00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:51,405 I have not done that since the '80s. 99 00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:52,623 Sure, climb on it. 100 00:03:52,754 --> 00:03:54,364 He's a handful, though. 101 00:03:54,495 --> 00:03:55,235 You are. 102 00:03:56,714 --> 00:03:57,541 Come on. 103 00:03:57,672 --> 00:03:59,021 I like the pilot light. 104 00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:00,109 Let's see if it works. 105 00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:06,246 You know, tongues a tongue. 106 00:04:06,376 --> 00:04:07,116 I don't know. 107 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,160 Let's do it. 108 00:04:28,616 --> 00:04:29,399 Oh, yeah. 109 00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:34,230 Well, that was as dumb as I remember it. 110 00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:39,322 Oh, thank you for the orgasms. 111 00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:40,758 Sure. 112 00:04:40,889 --> 00:04:42,630 Here's a list of the things that I've lost. 113 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:46,895 A carabiner, a drill bit, a small bird, a headlamp, 114 00:04:47,025 --> 00:04:49,201 a battery, and an English coin. 115 00:04:49,332 --> 00:04:50,638 Also a Pepcid AC. 116 00:04:50,768 --> 00:04:52,422 If you find any of those in your lower hair, 117 00:04:52,553 --> 00:04:53,989 could you just shoot me a text? 118 00:04:54,119 --> 00:04:55,382 Wait a minute. 119 00:04:55,512 --> 00:04:57,166 Whoop. 120 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,733 There's the battery. - Oh, no. 121 00:04:58,863 --> 00:04:59,821 Mine's a 9 volt. 122 00:04:59,951 --> 00:05:00,822 Oh, thank you. 123 00:05:00,952 --> 00:05:01,823 Bye. 124 00:05:04,608 --> 00:05:08,133 Let me know if that bird pops out. 125 00:05:08,264 --> 00:05:12,268 Well, James, here we are again, alone. 126 00:05:12,399 --> 00:05:14,183 What is wrong with us? 127 00:05:18,579 --> 00:05:20,624 I think she wants to sing at us. 128 00:05:20,755 --> 00:05:23,975 since we've had some nice, 129 00:05:24,106 --> 00:05:26,587 but things are better, so I'll say it's nice. 130 00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:31,331 But things are better so I'll say it's nice. 131 00:05:54,745 --> 00:05:56,181 What are you doing? 132 00:05:56,312 --> 00:05:57,400 You're real. 133 00:06:02,753 --> 00:06:03,754 Huh? 134 00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:05,016 What? 135 00:06:05,147 --> 00:06:07,584 Are you an internet billionaire? 136 00:06:07,715 --> 00:06:09,804 No. 137 00:06:09,934 --> 00:06:10,979 So you must be famous. 138 00:06:11,109 --> 00:06:12,763 No, I'm a manager of a bookstore. 139 00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:13,938 Huh. 140 00:06:14,069 --> 00:06:15,636 Not even YouTube famous? 141 00:06:15,766 --> 00:06:17,768 Not even YouTube famous. 142 00:06:17,899 --> 00:06:18,769 I'm confused. 143 00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:19,770 I'm confused. 144 00:06:19,901 --> 00:06:21,337 What are you confused about? 145 00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:23,078 I'm confused as to how you and I slept together. 146 00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:24,514 It doesn't make any sense. 147 00:06:24,645 --> 00:06:27,212 Well, it's a pretty standard American story. 148 00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:28,300 I saw you at the bar. 149 00:06:28,431 --> 00:06:30,128 We flirted for a while. 150 00:06:30,259 --> 00:06:31,173 We hit it off. 151 00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:32,957 And then you invited me home. 152 00:06:33,088 --> 00:06:34,263 And then we had sex. 153 00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:37,527 But I mean, look at you. 154 00:06:37,658 --> 00:06:38,441 Yeah? 155 00:06:38,572 --> 00:06:39,877 And look at me. 156 00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:40,748 Yeah, I'm looking at you. 157 00:06:40,878 --> 00:06:41,923 Yeah. Yeah. 158 00:06:42,053 --> 00:06:43,272 Look at me. 159 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:44,578 I'm looking at you. 160 00:06:44,708 --> 00:06:45,753 It doesn't add up. 161 00:06:45,883 --> 00:06:46,623 I don't follow you. 162 00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:49,017 Because I'm like hello? 163 00:06:49,147 --> 00:06:52,107 And you're like, you know. 164 00:06:52,237 --> 00:06:53,325 A psych major? 165 00:06:53,456 --> 00:06:54,239 No. 166 00:06:54,370 --> 00:06:55,197 A wine specialist? 167 00:06:55,327 --> 00:06:56,590 No. 168 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,026 The last in a long line of police officers? 169 00:06:58,156 --> 00:06:58,940 No. 170 00:06:59,070 --> 00:07:00,637 You're-- you're-- 171 00:07:00,768 --> 00:07:01,943 - Oh, I'm fat. - Yeah. 172 00:07:02,073 --> 00:07:02,813 Thank you. 173 00:07:02,944 --> 00:07:04,293 We're done. 174 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,513 And see, the thing is I'm a little confused 175 00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,602 because normally I wouldn't sleep with someone like you, 176 00:07:08,732 --> 00:07:10,865 so it is a total mystery how you ended up here. 177 00:07:10,995 --> 00:07:14,825 Yeah, well maybe I was actually nice to you 178 00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:15,783 and you liked that. 179 00:07:15,913 --> 00:07:16,914 Oh, that's it. 180 00:07:17,045 --> 00:07:18,176 Good. Good. 181 00:07:18,307 --> 00:07:19,177 I'm glad that you can see that now. 182 00:07:19,308 --> 00:07:20,048 - You roofied me. - What? 183 00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:20,962 No. 184 00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:22,180 No, I did not. 185 00:07:22,311 --> 00:07:23,573 - It's fine, dude. - No, no, no. 186 00:07:23,704 --> 00:07:24,966 It's not fine. 187 00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:26,054 Did you realize you just accused me of rape? 188 00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:26,968 I'm not mad. 189 00:07:27,098 --> 00:07:27,882 I totally get it. 190 00:07:28,012 --> 00:07:28,796 What, are you-- 191 00:07:28,926 --> 00:07:29,927 You see me. 192 00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:32,016 You see this. 193 00:07:32,147 --> 00:07:34,279 And you're like, damn, she's banay-cray hot. 194 00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:36,281 So you slipped roofie in her vodka 195 00:07:36,412 --> 00:07:37,761 so you can have sex with her. 196 00:07:37,892 --> 00:07:39,502 You're a fucking sociopath. 197 00:07:39,633 --> 00:07:41,504 Don't worry, I'm not going to press charges, OK? 198 00:07:41,635 --> 00:07:44,115 Well, I'm sorry, I did not drug you to sleep with you, 199 00:07:44,246 --> 00:07:47,031 but I'm really glad that you think that I could be a person 200 00:07:47,162 --> 00:07:48,293 that is capable of doing that. 201 00:07:48,424 --> 00:07:49,686 Thank you. 202 00:07:49,817 --> 00:07:51,035 You're right. 203 00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:52,123 It's a little too ballsy for someone who 204 00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:54,343 clearly has low self-esteem. 205 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,084 My self-esteem is fine. 206 00:07:56,214 --> 00:07:57,215 My self-esteem is great. 207 00:07:57,346 --> 00:07:58,434 I'm great. 208 00:07:58,565 --> 00:08:01,481 So someone else must have roofied me 209 00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:03,004 and then you swept in. 210 00:08:03,134 --> 00:08:04,440 That's how we had sex. 211 00:08:04,571 --> 00:08:06,486 How about this for a wild idea, all right? 212 00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:09,619 What if I was just nice to you and I made you laugh. 213 00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:10,751 You made me laugh? 214 00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:12,448 Yeah. 215 00:08:12,579 --> 00:08:15,146 Was the joke you told me like knock, knock, who's there? 216 00:08:15,277 --> 00:08:18,280 Here's a roofie. 217 00:08:21,283 --> 00:08:22,458 You write jokes like a person that's been 218 00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:23,938 kept in solitary confinement. 219 00:08:24,068 --> 00:08:26,244 I watched every episode of "Last Comic Standing," 220 00:08:26,375 --> 00:08:27,245 so I know what's funny. 221 00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:29,030 Yeah, well, you're flawed. 222 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:29,987 I'm done. 223 00:08:30,118 --> 00:08:31,859 Hmm, this is a mystery. 224 00:08:31,989 --> 00:08:33,034 Oh, wait a second. 225 00:08:33,164 --> 00:08:34,165 I think I have it cracked. - Yeah? 226 00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:35,602 Yeah. Yeah. 227 00:08:35,732 --> 00:08:37,342 I think you were so desperate for somebody 228 00:08:37,473 --> 00:08:40,607 to love you, so achingly empty, that when you were drunk 229 00:08:40,737 --> 00:08:43,523 last night, you accidentally let yourself like someone who 230 00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:46,047 treated you with respect, instead of just dragging 231 00:08:46,177 --> 00:08:48,615 you home like a piece of meat. 232 00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:51,139 Piece of meat. 233 00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:52,749 Are you hungry? 234 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:54,925 I have some vegan bacon. 235 00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:56,579 No. 236 00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:57,885 Wow. 237 00:08:58,015 --> 00:09:00,844 You are ugly in so many different ways. 238 00:09:00,975 --> 00:09:03,934 Fix your face. 239 00:09:04,065 --> 00:09:06,458 You're so mean. 240 00:09:06,589 --> 00:09:09,940 That's why I slept with you. 241 00:09:28,785 --> 00:09:29,830 These pieces are rancid. 242 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,483 I know, it's literally greasier 243 00:09:31,614 --> 00:09:32,441 than Chet Roller's back. 244 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,311 I'm not eating this. 245 00:09:33,442 --> 00:09:34,225 Oh, me, either. 246 00:09:34,356 --> 00:09:35,139 And I'm so hungry. 247 00:09:35,270 --> 00:09:36,706 I know. 248 00:09:36,837 --> 00:09:38,229 I'm like starving, but like not in that good way. 249 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,100 Hi, Blake. 250 00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:40,362 Hi, Kenzie. 251 00:09:40,492 --> 00:09:41,537 Uh, I wasn't listening to you guys, 252 00:09:41,668 --> 00:09:43,017 but I heard you say you were hungry, 253 00:09:43,147 --> 00:09:45,585 and you guys should totally have my sandwich. 254 00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:48,109 I made it myself. 255 00:09:48,239 --> 00:09:50,198 We're not going to take your food from you, Rachel Dratch. 256 00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:51,634 That's really weird. 257 00:09:51,765 --> 00:09:52,983 No, you should take this because like I'm 258 00:09:53,114 --> 00:09:54,332 not even hungry and I don't even want it. 259 00:09:54,463 --> 00:09:55,725 Well, I mean I do want it and I'm hungry, 260 00:09:55,856 --> 00:09:57,074 but you guys should have it. Just take it. 261 00:09:57,205 --> 00:09:58,641 Take it. - OK. 262 00:09:58,772 --> 00:10:00,425 OK. 263 00:10:00,556 --> 00:10:01,775 I've always wondered what it's like to sit here at this table. 264 00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:02,819 It's so nice. 265 00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:03,951 Great view. 266 00:10:04,081 --> 00:10:05,256 Sturdy construction. 267 00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:06,127 I knew it. 268 00:10:10,261 --> 00:10:12,046 You need to relax, Rachel Dratch. 269 00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:14,178 Yeah, are you like on bath salts or something? 270 00:10:14,309 --> 00:10:16,659 Oh my god, you guys, those bath salts are so crazy, right? 271 00:10:16,790 --> 00:10:18,835 Did you hear about that guy who was on them and he chewed 272 00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:20,141 the other guy's face off? 273 00:10:20,271 --> 00:10:21,751 Yeah, of course. 274 00:10:21,882 --> 00:10:23,274 Yeah, that was kind of shocking like two months ago. 275 00:10:23,405 --> 00:10:24,406 - Two months ago. - Exactly. 276 00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:25,625 I know. So over it. 277 00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:26,669 So over it. 278 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,062 It was two months ago exactly. 279 00:10:28,192 --> 00:10:29,629 Yeah. 280 00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:31,239 You what would be really sad, if anyone chewed your 281 00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:33,154 faces off, because you're so pretty. 282 00:10:33,284 --> 00:10:34,721 - Aw. - Yeah. 283 00:10:34,851 --> 00:10:36,331 I mean, I bet you guys are pretty even in the rain. 284 00:10:36,461 --> 00:10:38,028 I love how you do your hair, Blake. 285 00:10:38,159 --> 00:10:40,944 It's like a princess or like the lady on the cocoa 286 00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:41,858 package or something. 287 00:10:41,989 --> 00:10:42,729 Thanks. 288 00:10:42,859 --> 00:10:43,860 Contemporary damsel. 289 00:10:43,991 --> 00:10:44,774 Oh. 290 00:10:44,905 --> 00:10:45,688 It's my nickname. 291 00:10:45,819 --> 00:10:46,950 Yeah. 292 00:10:47,081 --> 00:10:48,430 Did you guys hear that Congress was 293 00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:50,127 thinking of banning bath salts? 294 00:10:50,258 --> 00:10:51,738 Yeah, well, they totally should because you 295 00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:53,522 can buy them anywhere. - Yeah. 296 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,393 You know, I heard you can buy them at that super skeevy place 297 00:10:55,524 --> 00:10:57,265 downtown, you know, with like the "Big Lebowski" T-shrts 298 00:10:57,395 --> 00:10:58,745 and like those bombs in the window? 299 00:10:58,875 --> 00:10:59,789 The Mad Hatter. 300 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,138 - Yeah, the Mad Hatter. - Yeah. 301 00:11:01,269 --> 00:11:02,400 Mad Hatter. 302 00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:04,315 So Jenna Peese and that Emery Walsh 303 00:11:04,446 --> 00:11:05,795 got like a belly button piercing there. 304 00:11:05,926 --> 00:11:06,840 Stop. 305 00:11:06,970 --> 00:11:08,972 And got full-blown hepatitis. 306 00:11:09,103 --> 00:11:10,539 Ew. 307 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:11,888 And then he got pierced by that really old guy who 308 00:11:12,019 --> 00:11:13,281 looks like the Burt's Bees man. 309 00:11:13,411 --> 00:11:14,543 Oh, that guy is so gross. He's gross. 310 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:15,936 He's creepy. 311 00:11:16,066 --> 00:11:17,285 Oh my god, you want to know what I heard? 312 00:11:17,415 --> 00:11:19,200 I heard that he is Colin's second uncle. 313 00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:20,375 No. No. 314 00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:22,943 Blake, would I lie to you? 315 00:11:23,073 --> 00:11:23,900 No. 316 00:11:24,031 --> 00:11:24,901 No way. 317 00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:26,250 Oh my god, Colin's so hot. 318 00:11:26,381 --> 00:11:28,426 He could literally grate cheese on his abs. 319 00:11:28,557 --> 00:11:29,340 He's so beautiful. 320 00:11:29,471 --> 00:11:30,385 He's stunning. 321 00:11:30,515 --> 00:11:31,908 Yeah, he's very attractive. 322 00:11:32,039 --> 00:11:34,041 Do you guys want me to go get his number for you? 323 00:11:34,171 --> 00:11:35,346 - Don't do that. - No. 324 00:11:35,477 --> 00:11:37,000 No, because I could go get his number 325 00:11:37,131 --> 00:11:38,175 and you guys could go on a date with him or something. 326 00:11:38,306 --> 00:11:39,568 I can even drive you. I have a car. 327 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,048 - No, definitely not. - Thank you, but no. 328 00:11:41,178 --> 00:11:42,440 I could give you money for the date, if you want. 329 00:11:42,571 --> 00:11:44,007 I can get you booze. Do you guys want drugs? 330 00:11:44,138 --> 00:11:45,443 I can get you whatever you want. - Um, Rachel Dratch? 331 00:11:45,574 --> 00:11:46,749 No do you guys like comedy? 332 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,403 I mean, what else to make you like me? 333 00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:49,796 Do you like comedy? Check this out. 334 00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:51,058 Check this out. 335 00:11:51,188 --> 00:11:52,973 Oh, look, it's my boyfriend, pizza. 336 00:11:53,103 --> 00:11:55,149 Oh, pizza, you're such a pizza face. 337 00:11:55,279 --> 00:11:56,237 Do you want to make out? Sure. 338 00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:02,765 Oh my god, we have to leave right now. 339 00:12:06,638 --> 00:12:09,729 Oh, well, at least you still like me, pizza. 340 00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,780 The new iPhone, well, it's 341 00:12:17,911 --> 00:12:21,001 different, because you want an iPhone, 342 00:12:21,131 --> 00:12:23,873 but you also don't have any self-control. 343 00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:28,051 Introducing the new iPhone D, the iPhone for drunk assholes. 344 00:12:28,182 --> 00:12:31,054 It's waterproof. 345 00:12:31,185 --> 00:12:33,361 It comes with a free cracked screen because you know 346 00:12:33,491 --> 00:12:35,319 you're just going to drop it. 347 00:12:35,450 --> 00:12:36,799 Lose your phone? 348 00:12:36,930 --> 00:12:38,670 Not anymore, because we added a leash for you, 349 00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:40,498 you know, like a dog. 350 00:12:40,629 --> 00:12:41,369 Also-- 351 00:12:41,499 --> 00:12:42,979 Vanessa, I love you. 352 00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:44,938 It totally shuts off after 1:00 AM. 353 00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:46,287 Hello? 354 00:12:46,417 --> 00:12:47,549 Because whoever you're calling, 355 00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:49,159 it's a bad idea. 356 00:12:49,290 --> 00:12:50,857 That's my bus. 357 00:12:50,987 --> 00:12:52,032 It even reminds you when to get out of there. 358 00:12:56,427 --> 00:12:57,733 No, you have kids. 359 00:12:57,864 --> 00:13:00,344 And Siri is more helpful than ever. 360 00:13:00,475 --> 00:13:02,825 Siri, can you . 361 00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:04,871 Ordering one cheese pizza. 362 00:13:05,001 --> 00:13:07,134 Thank you, Siri. 363 00:13:07,264 --> 00:13:09,614 The new iPhone D, because your drunk ass can't 364 00:13:09,745 --> 00:13:12,269 be trusted with nice things. 365 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,444 I got to piss. 366 00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:20,843 Moving to a new place can be difficult. It's a fresh start. 367 00:13:20,974 --> 00:13:22,410 Oh, your parents would be so proud 368 00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:24,716 of you, if they weren't dead. 369 00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:31,811 There's nothing I like better than a great pattier. 370 00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:34,422 You're good. 371 00:13:34,552 --> 00:13:35,727 You know, I'd be careful if I were you. 372 00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:37,251 That's Mandy Donaldhorn. 373 00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:38,295 So what gives? 374 00:13:38,426 --> 00:13:40,994 Her dad is Walter Donaldhorn. 375 00:13:41,124 --> 00:13:42,430 The butter tycoon. 376 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,519 She's the same Donnahorn? 377 00:13:44,649 --> 00:13:46,216 Donaldhorn. 378 00:13:46,347 --> 00:13:47,217 Hm? 379 00:13:47,348 --> 00:13:48,915 Forget it. 380 00:13:49,045 --> 00:13:49,916 You must be new here. 381 00:13:50,046 --> 00:13:51,656 How can you tell? 382 00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:56,009 Because I don't know you and I know everybody up in here. 383 00:14:02,537 --> 00:14:03,320 Bitch can't even high-five. 384 00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:05,845 Yeah. 385 00:14:10,719 --> 00:14:12,416 What, you think you could do better? 386 00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:19,859 You could work with that. 387 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,173 Girl, you need to be honest with me. 388 00:14:30,304 --> 00:14:31,522 Quit denying the obvious. 389 00:14:31,653 --> 00:14:32,697 You're falling for him. 390 00:14:32,828 --> 00:14:35,352 You couldn't be more wrong. 391 00:14:35,483 --> 00:14:37,441 I actually don't think he's that attractive. 392 00:14:37,572 --> 00:14:39,400 And you think he can patty? 393 00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:41,054 Oh, I know he can. 394 00:14:41,184 --> 00:14:42,011 We'll see. 395 00:14:42,142 --> 00:14:43,752 I think we'll see he can. 396 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:44,971 We'll see. 397 00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:46,755 We'll see he can patty. 398 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,365 Well, I hope that he can patty. 399 00:14:48,496 --> 00:14:50,237 Come with me, I want to show you something. 400 00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:51,412 What is this place? 401 00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:52,848 It's your new home. 402 00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:55,982 Here, nobody can tell us what we can or can't do. 403 00:14:56,112 --> 00:15:00,029 Just try not to get bitch-clapped. 404 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:01,509 You got your no-touchers. 405 00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:04,512 You got your patty-pouters. 406 00:15:04,642 --> 00:15:05,643 And you got your robot. 407 00:15:09,734 --> 00:15:12,041 1, 2, 3, 4. 408 00:15:20,310 --> 00:15:22,356 What kind of adult man patty cakes? 409 00:15:22,486 --> 00:15:23,357 I know where I belong. 410 00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:28,840 We will be tearing down this old warehouse. 411 00:15:28,971 --> 00:15:30,277 You better believe it. 412 00:15:32,757 --> 00:15:34,759 The Donaldhorn Butter Towers. 413 00:15:36,196 --> 00:15:36,979 You ready for this? 414 00:15:37,110 --> 00:15:38,502 Are you kidding? 415 00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:44,813 Why are you doing this to me? 416 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,554 We're patty-caking for what's ours. 417 00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:47,642 Oh, boy. 418 00:15:47,772 --> 00:15:49,383 Yo, Yo, check it. 419 00:15:49,513 --> 00:15:52,342 All the best cake crews are going to be baking in this. 420 00:15:52,473 --> 00:15:55,128 Prize money is enough to save this patty pad, yo. 421 00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:56,694 How can we help? 422 00:16:04,354 --> 00:16:05,355 Just remember, that good-looking 423 00:16:05,486 --> 00:16:07,053 loser is headed nowhere fast. 424 00:16:07,183 --> 00:16:08,663 Don't let him take you with him. 425 00:16:08,793 --> 00:16:11,274 Wait, you think he's good-looking? 426 00:16:11,405 --> 00:16:13,146 I used to clap. 427 00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:16,801 You are never to clap or see that boy again. 428 00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:21,023 We are not messing around, missy. 429 00:16:21,154 --> 00:16:23,330 You do it. 430 00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:01,194 Ba da da da da. 431 00:17:01,324 --> 00:17:02,978 Seven Minutes in Heaven. 432 00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:08,462 Hi, this is Seven Minutes in Heaven with Mike O'Brien. 433 00:17:08,592 --> 00:17:10,116 I'm here today with Bravo's Andy Cohen. 434 00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:11,856 - Hey, Mike. - Thanks for coming, Andy. 435 00:17:11,987 --> 00:17:12,814 Yeah. 436 00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:13,945 Seven minutes in heaven. 437 00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:16,383 I never turn that down. 438 00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:18,863 So tell me about your first kiss. 439 00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:19,821 Do you remember? 440 00:17:19,951 --> 00:17:21,605 Oh, yeah, I do remember. 441 00:17:21,736 --> 00:17:27,829 It was with this girl, and it was at the seventh grade dance, 442 00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:31,311 and the girl's name is Jackie Palmquest. 443 00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:32,225 Jackie Palmquest. 444 00:17:32,355 --> 00:17:33,400 Palmquest. 445 00:17:33,530 --> 00:17:34,749 Palmquest, which is a good name. 446 00:17:34,879 --> 00:17:36,098 - I like that name. - Yeah. 447 00:17:36,229 --> 00:17:37,578 Yeah. 448 00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:40,276 And she and I just mashed it up at this dance. 449 00:17:40,407 --> 00:17:41,190 Like slow dancing. 450 00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:43,149 Like slow dancing. 451 00:17:43,279 --> 00:17:44,498 "More Than Words" or something. 452 00:17:44,628 --> 00:17:45,934 Yeah, exactly. 453 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,370 This is called Closet Theater. 454 00:17:47,501 --> 00:17:48,806 OK. 455 00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:50,330 We're going to be two guys who are waiting 456 00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:52,288 to surprise our grandmother. 457 00:17:52,419 --> 00:17:53,637 OK. 458 00:17:53,768 --> 00:17:54,682 But it's been like two days and we're 459 00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:56,336 starting to wonder if she died. 460 00:17:56,466 --> 00:18:02,298 Um, wouldn't Nana need a sweater by now? 461 00:18:02,429 --> 00:18:04,126 Yeah, it's been like-- 462 00:18:04,257 --> 00:18:05,736 it's been a couple of days. - I know. 463 00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:06,824 It's super cold. 464 00:18:06,955 --> 00:18:09,610 Have you heard her out there? 465 00:18:09,740 --> 00:18:18,401 I heard her the first day, and then I heard some sort of thud. 466 00:18:18,532 --> 00:18:22,492 Do you think like Mama and Papa would get her money 467 00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:25,278 or do you think it would go straight to the grandkids? 468 00:18:25,408 --> 00:18:27,062 Jesus. 469 00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:29,543 Andy Cohen is going to evaluate my Seven 470 00:18:29,673 --> 00:18:31,197 Minutes in Heaven outfit. 471 00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:32,154 Go ahead, please. 472 00:18:32,285 --> 00:18:33,677 Go on. 473 00:18:33,808 --> 00:18:35,418 Well, I mean, it's seven minutes in irony land. 474 00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:37,681 I mean, you're draped in vintage browns and yellows. 475 00:18:37,812 --> 00:18:38,769 Yeah. 476 00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:40,858 So that's clearly your shtick. 477 00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:41,816 Right. 478 00:18:41,946 --> 00:18:43,513 And I mean, I wouldn't-- 479 00:18:43,644 --> 00:18:45,298 I'm sure this fabric is-- 480 00:18:45,428 --> 00:18:46,821 it's all right. I don't know. 481 00:18:46,951 --> 00:18:47,735 I think it's very-- 482 00:18:47,865 --> 00:18:49,040 I would sweat in that. 483 00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:50,129 I'll give you this hat. 484 00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:51,565 Oh, OK. 485 00:18:51,695 --> 00:18:54,220 And you're just Andy Cohen in your closet. 486 00:18:54,350 --> 00:18:55,482 OK. 487 00:18:55,612 --> 00:18:57,353 I'm a guy off the street who somehow 488 00:18:57,484 --> 00:18:58,528 ended up in your closet. 489 00:18:58,659 --> 00:19:00,051 And I recognize you, but you don't 490 00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:01,575 want to be bothered today. 491 00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:04,404 I'm just trying to head out of the-- 492 00:19:04,534 --> 00:19:05,579 Hey. 493 00:19:05,709 --> 00:19:08,147 Hey, you're Andy Cohen. 494 00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:09,583 Yeah. Hey. 495 00:19:09,713 --> 00:19:11,062 - That's awesome. - Oh, thanks. 496 00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:12,542 - I love Bravo. - Thanks. 497 00:19:12,673 --> 00:19:13,761 It's fun. 498 00:19:13,891 --> 00:19:15,632 I love how you executive produce. 499 00:19:15,763 --> 00:19:16,807 Oh, great. 500 00:19:16,938 --> 00:19:17,895 Thank you. 501 00:19:18,026 --> 00:19:19,636 Thanks. 502 00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:21,334 You were talking about the types of music you listen to. 503 00:19:21,464 --> 00:19:22,639 You do-- - Oh, right. 504 00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:23,901 disco, classic rock. 505 00:19:24,032 --> 00:19:25,468 Disco, Philly soul. 506 00:19:25,599 --> 00:19:26,426 Yes. 507 00:19:26,556 --> 00:19:28,079 I love my ladies. 508 00:19:28,210 --> 00:19:34,347 I'm a homosexual man, so Madonna, Diana Ross, Cher. 509 00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:36,262 That's obligated as soon as you sign up. 510 00:19:36,392 --> 00:19:37,132 Right. 511 00:19:37,263 --> 00:19:38,307 Take this music. 512 00:19:38,438 --> 00:19:40,222 There's Mount Rushmore of gays. 513 00:19:40,353 --> 00:19:43,225 Do you have a redhead in your past that struck you? 514 00:19:43,356 --> 00:19:44,400 Oh, because of my gingi love? 515 00:19:44,531 --> 00:19:45,314 There's a-- a thing-- 516 00:19:45,445 --> 00:19:46,228 You know what? 517 00:19:46,359 --> 00:19:47,403 I just love a gingi. 518 00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:49,840 I just think gingis are underdogs. 519 00:19:49,971 --> 00:19:54,758 I just-- get off of me. 520 00:19:54,889 --> 00:19:56,543 I just love a gingi. 521 00:19:56,673 --> 00:19:58,501 Yeah. 522 00:19:58,632 --> 00:20:00,677 You know, I root for a gingi. 523 00:20:00,808 --> 00:20:01,852 I like an underdog. - Yeah. 524 00:20:01,983 --> 00:20:02,853 All right. 525 00:20:02,984 --> 00:20:04,072 Are you a gingi kind of? 526 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,421 Were you at one point? 527 00:20:05,552 --> 00:20:08,250 I never really was, but my family has-- 528 00:20:08,381 --> 00:20:09,425 Some ginge in them? 529 00:20:09,556 --> 00:20:11,601 Yeah, my grandma. 530 00:20:11,732 --> 00:20:14,300 Do you remember the first time you got drunk? 531 00:20:14,430 --> 00:20:18,217 Um, I remember one of the first times. 532 00:20:18,347 --> 00:20:21,611 We had our closing party for Opera Theater of Saint Louis, 533 00:20:21,742 --> 00:20:24,832 and I got so drunk on tangerine and tonics. 534 00:20:24,962 --> 00:20:27,487 And I don't know how I got home, but I got home. 535 00:20:27,617 --> 00:20:29,880 And I woke up in the middle of the night and I was so drunk, 536 00:20:30,011 --> 00:20:31,491 and I was like, oh, no, I have to barf. 537 00:20:31,621 --> 00:20:33,493 Like I'm not going to make it to the bathroom. 538 00:20:33,623 --> 00:20:36,670 And I took my boxers off and I threw up in my boxers. 539 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,106 And then I was like, oh, no, what am 540 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:39,803 I going to do with my boxers? 541 00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:42,458 And I opened the window, and I threw them out the window 542 00:20:42,589 --> 00:20:44,025 onto the front yard. 543 00:20:44,155 --> 00:20:46,114 So then I woke up the next day. 544 00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:50,814 And then my dad's like, there's a pair of your underwear 545 00:20:50,945 --> 00:20:54,731 with, I think, throw up in it under your window. 546 00:20:54,862 --> 00:20:57,560 Like what happened? 547 00:20:57,691 --> 00:20:58,822 The first time I got drunk. 548 00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:00,476 Well, I've had a good time. 549 00:21:00,607 --> 00:21:01,999 Me, too. 550 00:21:02,130 --> 00:21:03,436 And I appreciate you coming in into the closet. 551 00:21:03,566 --> 00:21:04,611 Yeah. 552 00:21:04,741 --> 00:21:06,656 I don't love going into the closet. 553 00:21:06,787 --> 00:21:07,657 No. 554 00:21:07,788 --> 00:21:10,312 It's more fun to go out. 555 00:21:10,443 --> 00:21:11,661 No, thanks for having me in your closet. 556 00:21:11,792 --> 00:21:13,054 It was fun. 557 00:21:13,184 --> 00:21:14,273 And it is called Seven Minutes in Heaven. 558 00:21:14,403 --> 00:21:15,186 Yes. 559 00:21:15,317 --> 00:21:17,537 So. 560 00:21:26,633 --> 00:21:27,416 Thank you. 561 00:21:27,547 --> 00:21:28,330 OK. 562 00:21:28,461 --> 00:21:29,200 It's over. 563 00:21:29,331 --> 00:21:30,506 Thank you. 564 00:21:30,637 --> 00:21:31,768 Oh, yeah. 565 00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:39,602 Hi, my name is Madison, and I give girls tours in Greenpoint, 566 00:21:39,733 --> 00:21:41,996 Brooklyn, where we show different locations from 567 00:21:42,126 --> 00:21:45,216 the revolutionary show "GIRLS." 568 00:21:45,347 --> 00:21:48,002 I started doing this April 15th, 2012, 569 00:21:48,132 --> 00:21:49,569 right after the show aired. 570 00:21:49,699 --> 00:21:52,136 I saw Lena Dunham cross the street at Bedford Avenue 571 00:21:52,267 --> 00:21:55,966 and I developed a heart murmur, so now I have a robot heart. 572 00:21:56,097 --> 00:21:58,447 Cafe Grumpy, it's where Hannah works. 573 00:21:58,578 --> 00:22:00,623 And they have a drink they're called the Hannah, 574 00:22:00,754 --> 00:22:03,234 and it's an $8 cup of coffee. 575 00:22:03,365 --> 00:22:05,541 Grumpy's is to GIRLS what Magnolia Bakery 576 00:22:05,672 --> 00:22:06,977 is to "Sex and the City." 577 00:22:07,108 --> 00:22:09,415 Watching "Sex and the City" is like a cupcake. 578 00:22:09,545 --> 00:22:11,417 It's so rich and indulgent. 579 00:22:11,547 --> 00:22:13,854 Watching GIRLS is like a cup of coffee 580 00:22:13,984 --> 00:22:18,032 because like you can do it alone and just think about your life. 581 00:22:18,162 --> 00:22:20,339 Just like Lena and Hannah, I also 582 00:22:20,469 --> 00:22:25,169 graduated from Oberlin College, and I majored in denim theory. 583 00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:26,475 I should put #girlstour on there. 584 00:22:26,606 --> 00:22:27,433 OK. 585 00:22:27,563 --> 00:22:28,738 For promotional purposes. 586 00:22:28,869 --> 00:22:29,609 No problem. 587 00:22:29,739 --> 00:22:31,175 Yeah. 588 00:22:31,306 --> 00:22:33,700 All you need for this job is an HBO Go account, 589 00:22:33,830 --> 00:22:36,050 a love of groundbreaking television, 590 00:22:36,180 --> 00:22:38,444 and knowledge of the G train. 591 00:22:38,574 --> 00:22:41,490 I'm actually the only tour guide for this tour. 592 00:22:41,621 --> 00:22:43,797 I used to have my friend Monica do some tours, 593 00:22:43,927 --> 00:22:45,668 but she would keep getting lost in Bushwick, 594 00:22:45,799 --> 00:22:47,714 and one time her group got mugged. 595 00:22:47,844 --> 00:22:51,631 This is the trash can that Hannah used to illegally dump 596 00:22:51,761 --> 00:22:55,112 Cafe Grumpy's trash in, and I touched it last week 597 00:22:55,243 --> 00:22:56,766 and I haven't washed my hands since. 598 00:22:56,897 --> 00:22:59,334 I met a guy at a warehouse party in Bushwick 599 00:22:59,465 --> 00:23:02,555 and I thought he was my Adam, but then I just realized 600 00:23:02,685 --> 00:23:04,818 that he was really into heroin. 601 00:23:04,948 --> 00:23:07,037 I got in the bathtub with my friend last week 602 00:23:07,168 --> 00:23:09,910 and I was like, oh my god, we're just like Hannah and Jessa. 603 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,173 And she was like, oh my god, get out of the bathtub. 604 00:23:12,303 --> 00:23:15,394 I like to think of myself as the fifth girl in the group, 605 00:23:15,524 --> 00:23:18,571 but I don't get any screen because I'm so busy. 606 00:23:18,701 --> 00:23:20,399 I'm like dominating all over the place. 607 00:23:20,529 --> 00:23:21,791 I'm a businesswoman. 40704

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