All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S02E05.Thats.for.Everyone.Its.Not.Just.for.Me.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

The front desk.

Ooh, this guy
never stops working.

How can I help you?

You playing a video
game, ain't you?

- No.
- Video game?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- "Solitaire," right?

No, I can't.

When no one's here, you
got to play "Solitaire."

- Well, maybe once in a while--
- Come on--

- maybe once or twice.
- everybody plays "Solitaire."

Yeah, sure.

All right, OK.

You've got a spa here?

Yes, we do have a spa.

We have a full spa.

Nice one?

It's really nice.

You got a deep tissue massage?

Uh, yes.

- Where they knead your body?
- Yeah.

They knead it?

Yeah, it's like
kneading dough, yeah.

Seaweed wrap?

We do have seaweed
wrap, sure, yeah.

Then they put the
cucumbers over your eyes?

Sure.

Now, they got to
be very careful.

Why?

Don't leave your
valuables in your room.

Because when you put the
cucumbers over your eyes,

someone takes your key, right,
who works at the hotel--

I'm not saying it's you--
and then go to your room

and then go through your stuff.

Because they know you're
downstairs, right?

Right.

With cucumbers over your
eyes, you can't see nothing.

We don't do that
at this hotel.

You'll-- you're safe.
- You don't do what?

You don't steal,
or you don't put

the cucumbers over your eyes?

No-- oh, well, we
do do the cucumbers.

We don't steal.

Have you-- have you done--
have you done the spa thing?

I have not, but I've seen
people with the cucumbers

on their eyes.

They're walking around with
the cucumbers on their eyes,

or you--
- No--

you happen to walk by?

they don't walk
around, I walk by.

You see them laying there
with cucumbers over their eyes?

Well, I guess I never
really saw anybody doing it.

Oh, you can't really
stand up walking around

with the cucumbers
on your damn eyes.

Yeah, I know.

You got to have
some deep-ass eyes.

- Yeah, you're right.
- You know what i mean?

You're right.

You know who have--
who got deep eyes?

- Who?
- Zombies have deep-ass eyes.

I don't know where we are now.

Yo, they can stand up and
walk around with

the cucumbers because they
don't fall because their eyes

are so damn deep.

Yeah.

Got a fitness center?

Oh, yes, we have a
top-of-the-line fitness center.

You got master yoga?

Oh, yeah, we have--

I'm a big yoga guy.

Big yoga-- big yoga guy.

We have tons of mats.

I'm so flexible, I can put
my feet in my back pocket

and walk on my ass to my car.

That's amazing.
Triathlete--

I'd love to see that.
--of yoga.

You got a dentist here?

A-- I don't know if we
have an in-house dentist.

Oh, you've got to have a
dentist around here somewhere.

Well, I don't know.

I'd have to check the system.

What about teeth whitening?

Well, you have
really nice teeth.

Your teeth are really white.

You'd better stop it now.

You'd better stop it.

Let me tell you, if I didn't
have that date tonight,

I'd take you out.

Put you in some heels
and a little skirt--

Well, I don't
know, that'd be fun.

Hey, you got to go all out.

If you're going to do it,
you got to go all out, right?

- All right.
- You got room service?

Oh, of course we
have room service.

If I order room
service, can I get a guy

to come bring my food
in a little tuxedo

suit with a little
monkey on his shoulder

wearing the same kind of
suit, but in a different size?

I don't know if we have
a monkey working here.

But I don't want
the monkey touching

my food, just the bread.

Right, you don't want a
monkey anywhere near your food.

Yeah, just get
the food covered up.

But he can touch the bread?

Not touch the bread,
just hold the bread--

A bread basket.

I want the bread
to stay warm, but I

want the monkey to handle the
bread, but not touch the bread.

Just-- just don't
touch the bread,

just hold it by
the little handles.

Right,
right, right, right.

The little monkey handles.

Like I said, though,
I don't think we have

a monkey working here, so--

How about the little
Tabasco bottles?

Oh, sure.

If I get room service,
I want my food spicy.

I'm a spicy guy.

Sure.

If I'm done with my food
and my meal's all done,

I go in the bathroom and I
shoot that hot black water

out my ass.

That's how my insides are.
- Mm--

You know, I start
sweating a little bit.

I get the beads on my forehead.

I don't know if I want
to talk about this part.

Only thing I hate is
when the hot brown water is

shooting out my
ass, when

someone comes to the door--

Well, they probably don't
know what's going on in there.

You've got to have some
asshole on you to stop it--

Keep saying that--
- to stop it, to lock it up--

Don't think you can.

and go to the door,
answer the door, you know?

When you stay in places,
I want to feel like I'm

getting my satisfaction.

Well, that's what we do here.

We-- we definitely
aim to please.

See?

That's why you-- that's
why you do what you do.

Did you want
some room service?

Because I can have somebody
come up to your room.

And what room number are you in?

I'm not staying here.

You're not staying--
where were you staying?

In my damn house.

The front desk.

Whew.

Thanks for letting
me crash in your bed.

Yeah, what, are you going
to sleep on the floor?

Right.

This isn't weird.

No, of course not.

No, we're just-- we're
two dudes sharing a bed.

It's 2013.

What's the big deal?

Ain't none.

Exactly.

Well, good night.

Is this the side
you usually sleep on?

I prefer it.
You know what?

I'm just gonna face this way.
- Mm-hmm.

It's going to be
probably better for the--

Great.

- both of us.
- Is that your butt on my butt?

It is.
I'm sorry.

If I keep my hands above
my head like this--

Ow, ow, ow--

I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry--

No.

This is spooning.

This is definitely spooning.

I'm going to get something.

I'm going to put it between us.

Great idea.

I'm a Libra.

This isn't what I
thought you meant.

Yeah, this doesn't feel right.

You know what?

I think we just need
another buffer between us.

Where's the buffer?

I put on a condom.

What?

That is much weirder.

Did I say condom?

I meant adult diaper.

OK, what if we
replace him with a girl?

- Yeah, obviously.
- No!

This feels better.
No, it doesn't.

I'm on the floor!
- Ow!

She's made of cardboard!

What, do you know a real girl?

No.

Yes.

I'm a Libra-- oh, uh, Gemini.

And you boys are handsome
and in bed together.

Do you think maybe you
could change a diaper?

Who was she?

You in a wig.

Who cares.

Percocet?

Something's wrong.

Where's my penis?

"Seven Minutes in Heaven."

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this "Seven Minutes in
Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Amy Poehler.

Hi, Amy.
- Hi, Mike.

Thanks for coming.

Thank you for having me.

Who are you wearing?

I'm wearing the closet.

Yeah.

Let's talk Bone Thugs.

When did that blow up for you?

Oh, god-- when
has-- when-- since--

Since?

- I mean, when did they start?
- Yeah.

They sing at everybody's
funeral, right?

I think they're
always funeral-themed.

Yeah.

It was like, on
your IMDb trivia,

loves Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.

The answer is yes, I
love Bone Thugs-N-Harmony,

but not enough, maybe,
to put it on a page.

I had a friend whose
kid googled "naked."

Uh-huh.

His eight-year-old
kid googled "naked"--

Yeah.

on the computer.

And the first
picture that came up

was a woman with
asparagus sticking

out of her butt and her vagina.

This is a true story.
- That's naked.

- That was the first--
- That's like--

- image for naked.
- yeah.

- An innocent kid.
- Yeah.

And that's what
he'll always think now.

Right.

But, like, years from
now, someone will be like,

do you want to get naked?

And he'll be like, I
don't know, I'm not hungry.

Yeah.

By the way, do you-- have
you heard the new trend?

- I've heard a little bit--
- Shoulder hat?

about this.

There's a little buzz
about these shoulder hats.

Uh-huh.

And hopefully, it kind
of matches with the coat

so you can't even see--

Yeah, it's supposed
to kind of blend.

And then when someone walks
by-- like, walk by and say, hey.

Hey.

Hey.

You tip the cap to them,
show 'em a little shoulder.

It's this kind of
stuff that you learn when

you're living on the streets.

Yeah.

Finish this sentence--

I hate it when people
do blank, but my hatred

quickly turns to arousal.

I'm-- what's
coming to mind is--

it's not this, but
some kind of, like--

like, lifting up a
car or something.

Right.

Like, some kind of physical--

And you're like,
yeah, I get it,

but also, you're like, awesome.

My brain is like,
you're a fucking--

Yeah.

pig animal for like--

Showboat.

like, guys maybe that loot.

Looting.

Looting.

Guys that loot.

Like, kind of
buff guys that loot.

And then you're
like, oh my god--

You mean like
throw-- oh, you mean--

Yeah, like throw
TVs in a thing--

bricks through, and
then getting it to you--

and then they bring it out.

And you're like, dummy,
you're such an asshole.

But they're-- you're like, but--

Well, Amy, I've
had a good time.

Me, too.
I've had a blast.

Thank you so much.

Um, yeah.

And we're going to
head out, but the--

it is "Seven Minutes in Heaven."

So-- you're fine.

It's OK.

Here we go.

There we go.

Are you done?

That's nice.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Did you have a good time
with that-- during the kiss?

Um--

I couldn't read you.

Uh,

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah!

Hi, I'm Glenn.

I work at Above Average.

And I'm here today with
Patty, our head of HR,

to ask her a few
questions about what I

can and can't do in the office.

This is one thing that I--

Glenn, I'm sorry to interrupt.

And I know that we're
filming, but I've

been getting a lot of
complaints about your behavior

in the office.

Oh, that's weird.

So I just thought it would
be better if we addressed

it sooner rather than later.

So people are going
to start coming in.

And we could just discuss it.

Well, I did have a
whole episode planned out.

But I guess we can go ahead
and do whatever you want.

Kelly, want to
go ahead and start?

Sure.

Once, when we were
in the bathroom,

Glenn asked me to
come into her stall

and look at what she
called an all three.

What's an all three?

An all three is a pee, a poop,
and a period at the same time.

It's when you get 'em
all in the bowl at once.

It's impressive.

So when one happens, it's
kind of like a shooting star.

Glenn waits until the
bathroom motion sensor light

goes off and then
scares people when

they come into the bathroom.

Glenn, is this true?

It's true, but
it's also very funny.

Glenn told all the new interns
that my favorite movie is

"Coyote Ugly," and that
if you ask politely,

I'll show you my Piper
Perabo tramp stamp.

That's number one.

Oh.

Glenn spread a rumor
back in July that I know

who killed JonBenét Ramsey.

Well, it's not a
rumor if it's true.

You keep calling me
King of the Toilets.

What's your name?

Steve.

Fine, I'll call you Steve.

I told you I'd be
out of the office

because I had to
get a root canal.

But you told the whole office
that I was out because I

had to get tooth canal surgery.

Oh my god, all these
sensitive men in the office.

I can't handle it.

You keep a bowl of
condoms on your desk.

That's for everyone.

It's not just for me.

Because let me tell you,
all the guys in our office

have been grabbing
'em off my desk.

I'm not going to name
names, but Tim, Matt,

Andrew, Mike, Brendan, Steve.

One day, you just
didn't wear pants.

You're welcome.

I brought my dog to
work and you took it home.

Glenn said I won
a trip to Willy

Wonka's chocolate factory,
and then she shit on my desk.

I hate Andrew.

Glenn wrote a eulogy
for my imagined funeral

and left a printout
of it on my desk.

She called me
a nothing master.

Glenn graphically described
deepthroating her boyfriend

to me for the
purposes of estimating

the length of his penis.

Glenn registered
the domain name,

- www.
- Don'tTellBut
I'mMakingInterns

TakePicturesOfMyButtholes.com.

Butthole.com.

So that complaint doesn't
count 'cause it's wrong.

Whenever I come back
from the bathroom,

Glenn will stop and ask me, did
all the pee-pee come out OK?

Oh my god, are
you going to cry?

Just one time,
Glenn commissioned

this picture of me
pooping while horizontally

over the toilet bowl--

I don't
think this is funny.

I just think it's disgusting.

Look at it.

Glenn, these are really
serious complaints.

And normally, we would
let someone go for it.

But I think we've come up with
a different solution for you.

For your mouth.

Thank you so much.

I am going to take the
soap, and I'm going

to wash my butthole with it.

My name's Janessa Slater,
and I'm a media coach

who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is Sound Advice.

So Modest Mouse--

Mm-hmm.

I think that name has to go.

Because modesty is for
losers, and mice are taking

over my apartment, you know?

Uh, I just don't want to
do the legwork to change it,

you know?
Yeah.

Like, it's on
the records, and--

But I mean, have
they sold that much?

It's like--
Mm--

So I actually
really liked the name

of your recent album,
"Strangers to Ourselves,"

because I always feel like
I'm a stranger to myself.

You know, I'll catch
myself, you know, crying

and you know,
threatening to, you know,

commit a crime outside of my
ex-husband Darren's house,

and you know, making a scene.

And I'll go, who am I,
you know what I mean?

And so I always find
myself in situations where

I am a stranger to myself.

And I go, wow, this is kind of
cool, but also kind of weird.

So I'm just wondering, where did
you guys come up with the name,

"Strangers to Ourselves"?

I think I forgot.

That was-- that story
was really something.

Oh.
Yeah.

Thank you.

Have you guys ever thought of
doing the festival circuit?

Because it feels like you
guys would do really well.

You know, there's a ton of,
like, mediocre white people

with a ton of disposable income
who like to blow it listening

to, you know, middle-aged
lumber-sexuals

sing them lullabies in
a wet field, you know?

Right.

You could even start your
own festival, you know?

What-- what would you call that?

Um-- I'm gonna have to go to
the mountaintop for this one.

Yeah, Going to
the Mountaintop.

There you go, yeah.
- I think that's great.

What about, Good
Night, Sweet Losers?

Um, yeah.

Look, I'm going have
to think about this.

I don't have a--

I don't have a
title at the moment.

You know, I once scored a 78%
on "Float On" on Guitar Hero.

OK.

So can I be in the band, or--

but honestly--

We'll think about that.

I could come in,
change up all your tuneage.

OK.

Breakdown version of
"Float On."

We'll all float on today.

You know, or
something like that.

Or a very, like, hipstery,
like, we float on.

I--

You know?

Or like, jazz--
we all float on tonight.

OK, follow me here--

what if we do Modest
Mouse as a Pixar film?

Um--

It's like a little
mouse, and he has to, like,

learn to brag more
about himself.

At the beginning of the movie,
he's like, really modest.

And they're like, oh, like,
you're-- you're, like,

really good at, like,
eating cheese and, like,

being annoying.

And he's like, no, I'm not.

I'm just a modest mouse.

And it's, like,
emotional, and it, like,

makes more money
than any other movie

even though it's a cartoon.

And I think it would be a
good thing for you guys.

Um--

And maybe you could voice
one of the mice, you know?

And you could be like, I
hate to brag or whatever.

I got nothing.

In conclusion, I
think we've had a really

solid session here today.

Do you feel good about it?

Yeah.

Do I get billed for it?
How does this work?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, Jesus.

But listen, I'm excited to
see your band really flourish.

Thanks for your time.

Thank you.

That was so pleasant.

He listened to me.

You're a good listener.

You take me seriously.

You listen.

And I just said that--

stupid.

Oh!

But it's been really
great talking to you.

It's like you have
respect for me.

And I just don't get that a lot.

So off the record,
thank you so much.

I'm just tired.

We all are.

I don't even think this is
legally coffee, it's so bad.

This coffee tastes
like raw vitamins.

This coffee is don't.

This coffee is busted,
like my mama's face.

This coffee is fin.

This coffee tastes like tea.

This coffee is meh.

Meh.

Ass.

This coffee is a weirdo.

I don't want to
hang out with it.

Friends for 30 years,
we've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed n' brunch
in the Hudson Valley.

Hudson Valley Ballers--

what?

What?

Oh, wow.

How long have we known
each other, like, 30 years?

30 years.
Isn't that wonderful, James?

Mm-hmm.

Remember in 1990, when
we did clown camp together?

That was you and James Franco.

And that was last August.

Oh, that's right.

Remember when we toured
the works of Shakespeare

with Barbie dolls?

That was you and James Franco.

And that's not
opening until 2014.

Mm,
can't wait for it.

I just hope we can work
together for as long

as that old couple
that's staying here,

the Broadway couple.

You mean
the Burlingtons?

Can you believe that jejune
Dick Adderly got in "Pippin"?

What a crock.

The only thing he's
good at is fooling people.

The call said 75 and under.

If he's 75, then I'm a Rockette.

Hey, in our new
show, should we

do music or magic?

- I say music.
- That's dumb.

We're doing magic.

Well, then why in
the schnauzer-balls

did you ask my opinion?

Because we're a
team, all right?

All right.
- Let's get started.

Let's practice it.

How does my hair look?

Your hair looks like
fresh out of the package--

- Great.
- the day you bought it.

All right.

Hey, give me a little fanfare
here for starting off.

Nothing in this
tube, all right?

But inside of this
tube, I have this

gorgeous multicolored scarf
that I have hidden inside.

Yeah, but you don't
tell people you hiding it.

You're going to blow it, Roy.

Well, that's what you're
supposed to do, Cora,

you're supposed to get
up, shimmy shake, be sexy,

and like, distract the people--
All right--

from what I'm doing.

Hide the scarf,
and I'll do it.

OK, hang on.

You do your sexy dance.

All right.

OK.

All right, now, I'm
putting it in here,

and they're watching
you, you see?

Keep it going.

Yeah, now really
let them have it.

'Cause I got to get
all of this in here.

Is it in there?

You see, I pull
it up, and look--

music sting, Cora!
- Boi-oi-oi-oing!

Great.

Now I'm going to replace the
tube back onto this tube,

remove this tube, and
look, the scarves.

Boi-oi-oi-oing!

Wow.

Now do the rings.

All right.

Cut your losses.

Here we go.

These rings are
just regular rings.

They don't fit together.

But they go together.
You just got to click--

Yeah.

the two little slits on
the rings together, kiss it.

I got to find the
crack that kisses.

Well, I can see it
from here, and I'm

as blind as a deep sea fish.

Well, that explains why
your lipstick's crooked.

Ah, look, we're
"draw-ra-ring" a crowd.

- Do it again!
- Yeah!

- Do it again!
- Yeah!

- Yeah!
- All right.

You know, when I cut Cora in
half, she got a lot of rings.

Yeah, well, at least
I pee after I laugh.

Let's take a bow.

They love it.

All right, let's take a bow.

Throw something in
the hat on the way out.

Because we got utility
bills at this place.

I think we should
stay up in this area.

I think-- I think this is a
good market for our brand.

Yeah, I think they like it.

All right, sing
that song I like.

Birds are
like people with wings.

People are like birds
with too many things.

Lions are like people that roar.

Can you hand me one of those?

Which one?

It doesn't matter
at this point.

These are suppositories.

Are you ready for that?

I don't know.

Hello, idiots.

Welcome to The Idiot's
Guide to Smart People.

Today's topic is religion.

As an idiot, you're used
to inserting religion

into every part of
your idiot life.

So you might be surprised to
learn that smart people almost

never even think about it.

In fact, the more you mention
your sincere religious beliefs,

the more you'll find
them backing away.

So to avoid completely
alienating your smart friends,

as if you have any, here's
what you should know.

Sequestered in their
godless metropolises,

most smart people
have deliberately

moved away from you and
their other hometown idiots,

preferring to worship their
own deities, namely Jon Stewart

and poorly rated TV dramas.

So just as you find
it annoying when

idiots from other religions
discuss their beliefs,

it's the same thing
for smart people

when you mention
religious experiences that

don't involve "Breaking Bad."

If you do find a
smart person that

wants to talk about religion,
you've run into an atheist.

A clue to spotting
atheists-- they mention

their atheism all the time.

Feel free to engage the
atheist if you want everything

you say scornfully dismissed.

Otherwise, just walk away,
forcing the atheist to mentally

argue with you all
day while you're

out having all the idiot fun.

Some smart people pretend
to be religious to appeal

to you, the idiot.

This group of televangelists
and politicians

love talking about
religion because they

want your vote or your
money, or preferably both.

And you always give it to them.

Idiots!

And finally, there's the
special case of smart people

that call themselves spiritual.

They think they're smarter
than everyone else.

They're not.

But don't worry, you'll get
along fine as long as you don't

ask them for medical advice.

If all this advice
doesn't prevent you

from getting in an argument, be
prepared for the smart person

to bully you with their
most powerful weapon--

sarcasm.

In that case, you're free to
counter with what historically

has been religious
idiots' most powerful

weapon, brutal idiot violence.

Anyway, to wrap things
up, because there's

a good chance you've already
forgotten everything,

here's a summary.

Everyone worships something, so
try not to be a dick about it.

All right, time for you all
to off and go to hell.

See you later.