All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S02E04.No.I.Kinda.Need.Him.To.Put.It.On.And.Be.The.Character.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Veronica Jones was a
successful lawyer who never had

time to fall in love until now.

Watch where you're going.

Well, technically
you fell into me.

I'll tell you what, you
let me buy you lunch

and we'll call it even.

I met someone.

Girl, you should go for it.

Do you think?

Yes.

He's so cute, but I'm just--

I'm so busy.

Oh, look.

See, Miss Big Time
Lawyer isn't it nice

taking it easy for once?

So, little sis, you
think he's the one?

Debra.

Oh my God, where'd
you get those bruises.

Oh, I've been
falling a lot recently.

Zachary Levi, Kate
McKinnon in a romantic comedy

that will knock
you off your feet.

Dude, how are things going
with that Veronica chick?

She seems to fall down a lot,
which at first was endearing,

but now it's just
starting to worry me.

Chicks, dude.

Chicks.

So you say you've been
falling down recently?

Oh, no.

Is this a walking stick?

I was driftwood hunting
down on the Hudson,

I thought of you.

OK.

I feel again.

Don't know why I thought
this was a good idea.

This Christmas,
you'll fall for the most

romantic movie of the year.

I can't do this anymore.

What are-- what
are you saying?

I'm saying I--

I want to go to
the Grand Canyon.

I want to go to the top of
the Empire State Building.

I want to use the stairs again!

And I can't do any of
those things with you.

Darren, wait.

Darren, Darren-- oh.

Darren.

He took the job in London.

He's leaving forever, and
I don't know what to do.

You need to go to him.

Wait.

Thanks.

Aah!

Darren.

Darren, please don't go.

Darren!

Darren!

Oh.

my life.

Darren!

Darren!

Darren!

Darren, I love you.

"Falling for You."

OK, I'm missing
two teeth here.

Anybody seen two teeth?

Nice.

My girlfriend got us
dinner reservations

for an hour from now.

You're not going looking
like that, are you?

What?

Come with me.

What are you up to?

Buddy, you are
going to look awesome.

No.

No.

No.

Hey, can I get some help?

We'll be
right with you, sir.

That's a big no.

Hi.

Friend still in
the dressing room?

Yeah.

It's gonna be a while.

I mean, I gotta be honest.

I like that outfit
he had on coming in.

Yeah, it was fine.

It just-- it didn't have the
it that we're looking for.

Not it.

He said no to this.

What?

Even after you did
the [imitating music]??

Yeah, I was like
...

What does he want from you?

I don't know.

Tell me about it.

I mean, he wants me to
look good essentially.

Maybe for the
next ones, he can

just kind of hold the
shirt up to himself

before he takes it in the--

No, I kind of, like, need
him to, like, put it on

and, like, be the character.

Ohhh.

Welp, here comes.

Umm, no.

You see what I mean?

No!

I would say most of what
your friend is modeling

is not sold in this store.

Yeah, I wondered
where some of that stuff

was coming from because
I'm looking around

and I'm like I
don't see that here.

Fine.

No.

Fine.

I didn't even look.

I assumed this was a no.
- Yeah.

I mean, is this
something you would

even want to wear on a date?

Oh, my date.

Oh, no.

Oh, it's 3:00 AM.

I missed it by a ton.

12 new voicemails.

This is-- these are
all her just mad at me.

Women, am I right?

bitches.

You're funny.

Yeah, there we go.

There we go.

She and I are kind of dating.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

OK.

Oh.

Hey, wake up, man.

I missed the date by,
like, seven hours.

Oh, man.

Did you have sex
with her back there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I her.

Yeah.

Part of me thinks that nothing
you would have come out with I

would have said yes to.

I started to get that feeling.

I'm like it was about
some control or something.

Might have been.

Just got so powerful
sitting there every time

he came out, no.

No.

She's dead, Jimmy.

Part of me knew that.

I can't go to jail.

You're not going to, pal.

We're gonna get you
the best lawyers.

I don't know anything
about that whole world.

I don't even know what you're
supposed to wear to court.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Looks like we got
a lot of work to do.

I'm gonna try something on.

Chop chop.

Time is money.

Money's fashion.

Welcome to "Cocktales
with Little Esther."

I'm your host Little
Esther, and my guest

today is Tiffany Haddish.

Hey.

She ready.

She ready.

OK, so today's safe
word is Betty Crocker.

So if I say anything that
makes you uncomfortable--

Betty Crocker.

Yeah.

I have a feeling I might be
the one who needs it today.

If you could have sex
anywhere and not get caught,

where would it be?

The White House.

Pin me up against the wall,
like up against Abraham Lincoln

picture or something,
you know, just yeah.

Just-- that's making me
moist thinking about that.

Where would you do it?

I would probably do it, like,
on the floor next to my bed.

Who gave you your sex
talk, and how did it go?

My mom and it
was scary as hell.

We was watching a soap
opera, and this man,

this woman was kissing in a bed.

And I said mama what they doing.

I was eight.

And she said that's what
grownups do to make babies.

I said, oh, I want to do that.

She said, oh, no, you can't
do that until you turn 21.

Because boys have this enzyme
in they mouth and if you kiss

them, it'll eat up your face.

It'll eat your
tongue, your throat,

and you'll die within 24 hours.

You have to get a
special vaccination,

and then you can kiss boys.

Two days later, I
seen one of my friends

kissing a boy by the
building, and I was like,

Oh my God, Amanda's gonna die.

My mom was like, oh, baby,
don't worry about her.

See her parents knew
she was gonna be a ho,

so they got the
shot for her early.

Finish this sentence.

OK.

Queefs are--

The breath of God.

What's your favorite
role playing scenario?

If I'm with a
white guy, I like

to treat him like a
Black man and arrest him.

Let's do it.
I'll be the guy.

Hey, Tiffany.

Look at you, Curtis.

Look at all arrestable.

When you gonna pay this
child support, Curtis.

When you gonna pay this
child support, Curtis.

When you gonna pay this
child support, Curtis?

Take your pants off.

But that's-- yeah.

Then we have sex.

What if it was a Black guy?

Then I treat him
like he's a white man.

And what would that be?

I'd be like here's
the-- here's the memos.

All the memos have been
typed up, Mr. Stanley.

What's the longest you've
ever gone without having sex?

12 months.

Why?

I just don't wanna
get swooped up.

'Cause when you get some
good D, you just be,

like, all dickmatized.

Like, you forget what your
priorities are in life,

so I wanted to make sure
I was confident in who

I am, know what I
want, then also I

got to know my own body better.

So, like, sex is
way better for me

now because it's more about me.

I can be finished
before he finish

and then get up and leave.

Get out.

He be like,
wait, I'm not done.

So what?

What's the kinkiest
thing you've ever done?

I was dating this
FedEx pilot, and he asked

me put my toe in his booty.

And I tried.

I really did 'cause he was
like-- you know, he was here

and his head was, like, in
this area, so I was trying

to put my toe up in that butt.

And I couldn't.

What's the
weirdest thing that's

ever popped into your
head while having sex?

I wonder how my grandma doing.

I gotta call her
when this is over.

OK, so this is a game
called turn on, turn off,

so I'll just list a quality
and you say if it's a turn on

or turn off.
- OK.

Clear skin.

Turn on.

That means good healthy organs.

Yeah, make a good baby.

His sperm probably taste good.

Loves his mother.

It depends on how much
he love his mama but--

Yeah.

Too much is not good.

Too much is way not good.

Have you ever been with a guy
that loved his mom too much?

Never.

Only date guys that
don't know they moms.

Boom.

Have you ever had a
pregnancy scare where you maybe

didn't know who the father was?

Yes.

And that's when I got the
season pass to Six Flags

and got on every roller coaster
with the fast track, like,

eight times and then
drank a fifth of Hennessy

and then my cycle
started later on.

That's how you do an
abortion on a budget.

OK.

If there is a sex move
called the Tiffany Haddish,

what would it be.

Girl, I got a couple of
moves that's top secret.

I don't like for
bitches to see my moves.

I'll respect that.

We done had this
conversation in the past.

But basically it'll
probably be like

a reverse cowgirl situation
so you're sitting there.

You riding.

You look back at it.

Look back.

Turn back, look
back, OK, 1, 2, 3.

Look back the other way.

1, 2, 3.

Now you grab his
hands and you bap.

Tiffany, thank you so much for
teaching me all that you have

taught me on this show today.

As a thank you, I would like
to offer you this parting

gift of a portable glory hole.

All right.

Thanks for watching.

Bye, y'all.

Oh.

Hey, Thing Starter.

I didn't see you there.

My name's Ed Daniels,
and what I do

see is a problem that
affects half the population,

male spotting.

Whenever a guy pees,
there's that one drop

that seems to stick around.

So after years of suffering, I
finally invented tiny diapers

for the tip of your penis.

These super absorbent
diapers fits snuggly

on to the tip of any penis.

They take care of
that extra drip

without the bulk of
a full-size diaper.

I spent six months
in my workshop

perfecting this design.

I chose the softest fabric
to prevent penis rash.

I also created this
modified fanny pack

that not only stores
the tiny diapers

but also acts as the applicator.

The carrot represents the penis.

But I need your help to start
mass production, Thing Starter.

Currently, I make
them by hand, which

takes four hours per diaper.

But here's the great
thing about tiny diapers

for the tip of your penis.

They aren't just for
the tip of your penis.

My friends have come
up with some great uses

that I never even thought about.

Use a tiny diaper to
stop a leaky faucet.

Going for a run, use a couple
of tiny diapers on your nipples.

They also can catch
tears if your crying.

I'm crying.

And if you're incredibly
tiny, you use a tiny diaper

like our full-size diaper.

Now I'm going to respond
to some questions

that I constantly
have to answer.

First, will these
work if I want to pee

full force into my pants?

No.

These aren't for you.

You should use Depends.

Do these handle poop.

No.

You don't poop
out of your penis.

You poop out of your butt.

Are tiny diapers associated
with toxic shock syndrome?

Unfortunately, yes.

So I need your
support to get these

into production, Thing
Starter, and we've

got lots of neat rewards.

For $10, you get
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And for $50, you
get 51 tiny diapers.

That's the best deal.

Thanks for watching
and please donate

because remember
the time couldn't

be riper for a tiny diaper.

Please donate.

Yeah.

You done done it now.

touch it, ahh, shit.

I done been around the world.

I done kissed a lot of girls,
so I'm guessing that it's true.

Don't nobody kiss it like you.

Don't nobody kiss it like you.

Bang me.

Don't nobody kiss it like you.

Don't nobody kiss it like you.

Bang me.

Don't nobody kiss it like you.

Don't nobody kiss it like you.

It's 5:00 in the morning
and she's yawning

'cause me tired as a bitch.

At 5:00 in the morning,
she ain't brushed,

so her breath, it
smell like shit.

She looked into my eyes.

I think she wanna
take me for a ride.

She opened up, it smelled
like something died.

It made me wanna commit suicide.

It made me wanna
tap out every time.

Her mouthpiece makes
me traumatized.

I don't really wanna diss her.

She's had a lot of liquor,
but she's such a bad kisser.

Got lipstick on my leg.

What the hell?

What the hell is the
matter with her 'cause

she's such a bad kisser?

Her breath's like a grenade.

What the hell-- what the hell--

is matter with her.

That ass mouth smells like shit.

Your
girl might be pretty,

but she's clearly-- clearly--
not the sharpest in the drawer.

Shit.

She's really got a spoon.

I mean a real damn dummy.

I'm staring at her
grill trying to figure where

did all this blood come from.

I need to go to hard.

Yeah.

I said
a little bite--

a little nibble.

Bitch, we 'bout to find.

She took a chunk--

out of my right ass cheek.

She took her tongue and
licked to me on the side.

She clearly ain't that bright.

I don't really wanna diss her.

She's had a lot of liquor,
but she's such a bad kisser.

Got her lipstick on my leg.

What the hell?

She's such a bad kisser.

Yeah.

Her breath's like a grenade.

What the hell?

Like Michael Jackson bad.

Hee, hee, hee.

The only thing I know is that
this girl has definitely slept.

She don't know where them
kisses supposed to go.

I'm over here.

I'm over here.

No, that's my crack.

Kiss me, girl,
and kiss me right.

Bite me hard, biggest
mistake of your life.

Kiss me, girl,
and kiss me right.

Keep it up--

She's sunshine.

Kisser.

That kisser.

Got lipstick on my leg.

What the hell.

So can I tell you something.

So I'm pumping gas, and this
ratty ass due to staring at me

like I'm a hot sandwich.

So I wind up doing the deed
with him in the back of my car.

But you know what, it was
fine 'cause I got that limo

tent put in my Nissan cube.

But promise you
won't tell anyone.

I swear on my sick
uncle's remaining foot

I am not gonna tell a soul.

You promise.

Promise.

Friends for 30 years.

We've been writing comedy.

Now we run a bed and brunch
in the Hudson Valley.

Hudson Valley Ballers.

What?

What?

So they made love in a cube?

Yes.

They made anonymous love
in that ugly ass car.

Did you hear about Frank?

No.

His wife caught his
mistress shaving her triangle

in their master bathroom.

Really?

Yeah.

He made me swear on
my sick uncle's arm

that I wouldn't tell anybody.

Why do we betray our
friends so much, James?

Why do we have such sick uncles?

Because they both went
together to a nude vacation

and caught a super bug.

Oh, that's right,
the superbug.

I hate being a gossip.

Yeah, me, too.

But it's so much fun.

It's so much fun.

Before we stop being
gossips, can I just

give you one more juicy item.

Hell to the yeah.

OK.

You know our neighbors?
- Mm-hmm.

- Ralph and Pierre.
- Yeah.

- You know, the Italians.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

OK.

So our neighbors--

- Get to the point.
- The Italian ones--

Yes.

- Supposably they--
- Supposedly.

It's supposedly.

Supposingly they have
been in jail numerous times.

Really?

Yes.

The drunk mailman told me.

I bet they robbed
a Michael's Crafts.

Know they have.

They probably stolen
somebody's kidneys.

They are horrible,
horrible people.

- They're monstrous.
- Horrible.

Creeps.

They told someone who told
someone who told me that they--

My God.

Oh my God.

What is it?

They are at the door.

Oh-- Oh my God.

We're just gonna pretend
like I just noticed them.

In a second, I'm gonna get up.
- Yeah.

OK, here we go.
We're just going to try this.

OK.
Yeah.

See what we can get away with.

OK.

Hi, you guys.

Hi, you guys.

How are you?

Oh my God.

You look amazing.
You look amazing.

You look incredible.

You look like models.

You look like models.

You look like models.

Supermodels.

Yeah.

What do you got there?

We made some rigatoni, and
it was very special rigatoni.

Oh.

They made us rigatoni.

So-- right.

They made us rigatoni.

You are the best.

I can't wait to eat it 'cause
I'm sure it is probably

the best rigatoni I've--

You just eat it.

Ever had in my life.

I wanna try it, too.

Let me see.

Oh my God is it good.

It's so good.

This pasta could stop a war.

It could just stop a war.

We just call the president.

My God!

That was really incredible.

I wish I could eat the
whole Tupperware container.

Oh, we're so glad
you enjoyed it.

- Yes.
- Thank you.

And you guys have
a wonderful day.

Oh, yes.
We will.

Thank you.
Thank you.

And I appreciate it, and we
love being neighbors with you.

You're terrific people.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, James.

We have got to
stop being gossips.

Look at us.

Look what this got us.

At our core,
we're good people.

We're such good people.

We're better than that, James.

Good Lord.

Oh, God.

Oh.

Do you think Pier
is gaining weight?

God, yeah.

Especially down
in the haunches.

Yeah.

He's getting, like,
major saddlebags.

Probably.

Well, either way-- uhh.

Excuse me.

Oh, guess I'll hug myself.

I love you.