Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:15,319 --> 00:00:16,145
Hi.
2
00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:18,104
I'm Nance Bodean.
3
00:00:18,105 --> 00:00:22,369
Do you want to get into shape
but are afraid of exercise?
4
00:00:22,370 --> 00:00:24,545
Do you want to see positive
changes in your body
5
00:00:24,546 --> 00:00:26,416
but don't like moving?
6
00:00:26,417 --> 00:00:29,245
Do you want your feet not
to fall off from diabetes?
7
00:00:29,246 --> 00:00:31,682
Then why aren't
you power walking?
8
00:00:39,387 --> 00:00:41,649
Did you know all the
benefits of power walking,
9
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:45,740
things like endorphin rush,
belly fat reduction, heightened
10
00:00:45,741 --> 00:00:48,482
sexual intercourse,
thinned feet,
11
00:00:48,483 --> 00:00:51,181
heightened sexual
intercourse, and winning.
12
00:00:55,098 --> 00:00:58,231
You might be asking yourself,
but Nance, can I handle it?
13
00:00:58,232 --> 00:01:00,972
And I'm here to tell
you that yes, you can.
14
00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:03,453
In fact, anybody
can power walk--
15
00:01:03,454 --> 00:01:10,504
ponies, goblins, ghouls,
janitors, grandfathers,
16
00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:18,120
warriors, ponies, custodians,
Asian-Americans, Asian Asians,
17
00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:19,643
even dogs.
18
00:01:19,644 --> 00:01:21,558
Ain't that right, Kev?
19
00:01:31,656 --> 00:01:33,744
With me today is
my friend Lorraine.
20
00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:35,572
Lorraine is new
to power walking,
21
00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:37,487
but I'm going to show
her just how easy it is.
22
00:01:37,488 --> 00:01:38,923
Ready to get started, Lorraine?
23
00:01:38,924 --> 00:01:41,796
OK.
24
00:01:41,797 --> 00:01:43,624
Does it hurt when I do this?
25
00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:44,755
No.
26
00:01:44,756 --> 00:01:45,843
How about when I do this?
27
00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:47,062
- Yes.
- Yeah?
28
00:01:47,063 --> 00:01:48,194
- No.
- Good, good, good.
29
00:01:48,195 --> 00:01:49,369
No.
30
00:01:49,370 --> 00:01:50,152
Push
it out and then in.
31
00:01:50,153 --> 00:01:51,240
Push it out and then in.
32
00:01:51,241 --> 00:01:52,676
Push it out and then-- good.
Good.
33
00:01:52,677 --> 00:01:54,069
I think you're ready--
you're ready to go.
34
00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:55,201
You're ready to go.
35
00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:56,115
Let's get started.
36
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,990
Almost like you're having
sex with your own body.
37
00:02:01,991 --> 00:02:03,774
Chafe it and chafe it.
38
00:02:03,775 --> 00:02:05,080
Chafe your thighs.
39
00:02:05,081 --> 00:02:06,299
Chafe your thighs
and keep them tight.
40
00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:07,604
Keep them tight.
You are hard.
41
00:02:07,605 --> 00:02:08,475
You are doing it.
42
00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:09,345
No wobbling.
43
00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:10,259
Keep yourself from wobbling.
44
00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:11,521
Good.
45
00:02:11,522 --> 00:02:15,177
Squish your tush
against your bush.
46
00:02:15,178 --> 00:02:16,657
You're doing a
good job, Lorraine.
47
00:02:16,658 --> 00:02:18,702
Getting a little ahead
of me, which is actually
48
00:02:18,703 --> 00:02:19,660
not part of the program.
49
00:02:19,661 --> 00:02:21,357
You know what?
50
00:02:21,358 --> 00:02:23,751
I appreciate it if you stay a
little bit closer, Lorraine.
51
00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:25,318
Lorraine, slow down, though.
52
00:02:25,319 --> 00:02:28,625
Slow down, Lorraine.
53
00:02:28,626 --> 00:02:29,496
I agree.
54
00:02:29,497 --> 00:02:30,366
Lorraine!
55
00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:31,585
I agree.
56
00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:32,716
Lorraine!
57
00:02:45,513 --> 00:02:46,600
See?
58
00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:47,775
Anybody can power walk.
59
00:02:47,776 --> 00:02:48,906
It's that easy.
60
00:02:48,907 --> 00:02:49,777
Right, Lorraine?
61
00:02:49,778 --> 00:02:51,170
That's my name.
62
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,693
Keep going.
Power walk.
63
00:02:52,694 --> 00:02:53,694
Right, Kev?
64
00:02:59,570 --> 00:03:00,875
Everywhere you go.
65
00:03:05,359 --> 00:03:06,750
Hi.
I'm Glenn.
66
00:03:06,751 --> 00:03:08,230
I work here at Above Average.
67
00:03:08,231 --> 00:03:10,493
And I have some questions
for Patty, our head of HR,
68
00:03:10,494 --> 00:03:12,843
as to what I can and can't
do here in the office.
69
00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:18,240
So Andrew's with me today
and we are going to act out
70
00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:20,068
some hypothetical situations.
71
00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:22,070
And you're going to tell
us whether we can or can't
72
00:03:22,071 --> 00:03:25,639
do those things in the
office, because the rules here
73
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:27,206
are really complicated and
I don't know what they are.
74
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,076
Is that OK?
75
00:03:28,077 --> 00:03:29,643
Sounds great.
76
00:03:29,644 --> 00:03:30,687
- Hey, Glenn.
- Yeah, Andrew.
77
00:03:30,688 --> 00:03:32,385
What's up?
78
00:03:32,386 --> 00:03:33,995
Somebody photocopied their
butthole on the office printer.
79
00:03:33,996 --> 00:03:35,126
Was that you?
- Yes.
80
00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:35,997
Cool.
81
00:03:35,998 --> 00:03:36,867
That's fine.
82
00:03:36,868 --> 00:03:38,652
And scene.
83
00:03:38,653 --> 00:03:40,306
Guys.
84
00:03:40,307 --> 00:03:41,698
Well--
- No?
85
00:03:41,699 --> 00:03:42,830
No.
86
00:03:42,831 --> 00:03:45,572
Why would that be an issue?
87
00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:47,922
I don't think the copy
machine likes it, for one.
88
00:03:47,923 --> 00:03:49,532
But it's my butthole.
89
00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:51,273
But it's kind of like
free pornography in the office.
90
00:03:51,274 --> 00:03:52,492
Mm-hm.
91
00:03:52,493 --> 00:03:53,710
- No.
- OK.
92
00:03:53,711 --> 00:03:54,755
That's no.
93
00:03:54,756 --> 00:03:56,278
OK, next scene.
94
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:57,845
Hey, can I steal
this work laptop?
95
00:03:57,846 --> 00:03:59,238
- Yes, good idea.
- Great.
96
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,891
I'm on drugs right now.
- Me, too.
97
00:04:00,892 --> 00:04:01,979
I got them from Tim.
98
00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:03,024
Tim is my
favorite coworker
99
00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:04,417
because he sells me drugs.
100
00:04:04,418 --> 00:04:05,592
My pants are see-through.
101
00:04:05,593 --> 00:04:06,462
And scene.
102
00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:08,856
Mm-hm.
103
00:04:08,857 --> 00:04:11,902
So I want you guys to tell
me if you think that's OK.
104
00:04:11,903 --> 00:04:13,034
Yes.
105
00:04:13,035 --> 00:04:14,209
Yeah, that's fine.
106
00:04:14,210 --> 00:04:15,993
I like that you're
asking each other
107
00:04:15,994 --> 00:04:17,386
for permission for things.
108
00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:19,606
But stealing is not OK.
109
00:04:19,607 --> 00:04:21,390
Drugs are not OK.
110
00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:24,959
Tim, you have to
stop selling drugs.
111
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:28,179
Oh, and the clear pants-- it's
like the pornography thing,
112
00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:30,181
except there's
clear pants over--
113
00:04:30,182 --> 00:04:33,750
There's something in between
my body and people, though.
114
00:04:33,751 --> 00:04:36,144
They can't grab him with
the see-through pants.
115
00:04:36,145 --> 00:04:37,667
That's never the threat.
116
00:04:37,668 --> 00:04:40,322
So in this next scene,
I'm interviewing Andrew.
117
00:04:40,323 --> 00:04:41,584
Hello, Andrew.
I'm Glenn.
118
00:04:41,585 --> 00:04:43,194
I'm the boss.
- Hello, Glenn.
119
00:04:43,195 --> 00:04:44,326
You're very beautiful.
- I know.
120
00:04:44,327 --> 00:04:45,719
Anyway, are you
good at computers?
121
00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:46,981
- Yes.
- Do you know Excel?
122
00:04:46,982 --> 00:04:48,461
- Yes.
- How big is your wee-wee?
123
00:04:48,462 --> 00:04:49,331
Huge.
124
00:04:49,332 --> 00:04:50,550
You're hired.
125
00:04:50,551 --> 00:04:52,203
And scene.
126
00:04:52,204 --> 00:04:53,683
I got the job.
127
00:04:53,684 --> 00:04:56,120
I love that you asked
him if he could do Excel.
128
00:04:56,121 --> 00:04:57,426
Mm-hm.
129
00:04:57,427 --> 00:04:59,080
What was the first
thing you asked him?
130
00:04:59,081 --> 00:05:00,342
- "Are you good at computers?"
- "Are you good at computers?"
131
00:05:00,343 --> 00:05:01,735
I'm glad he's
good at computers,
132
00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,476
although I don't
know what that means.
133
00:05:03,477 --> 00:05:04,738
And then the last
thing I asked him was,
134
00:05:04,739 --> 00:05:06,348
"How big is your wee-wee"?
135
00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:08,394
I don't think that's
important for the job.
136
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:10,831
I have my booby
size on my resume.
137
00:05:10,832 --> 00:05:13,268
I did not see it on there.
138
00:05:13,269 --> 00:05:15,270
It's the first thing.
139
00:05:15,271 --> 00:05:17,490
It says, "Glenn
Boozan, size perfect."
140
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:20,014
So this next one is us.
141
00:05:20,015 --> 00:05:21,711
We're in a meeting.
142
00:05:21,712 --> 00:05:26,542
Gentlemen, raise your
hands if you have a boner.
143
00:05:26,543 --> 00:05:28,979
I rest my case.
144
00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:30,067
And scene.
145
00:05:30,068 --> 00:05:31,504
Case dismissed.
146
00:05:31,505 --> 00:05:34,942
So this would
be OK if it was
147
00:05:34,943 --> 00:05:38,641
just you guys with the other
writers in the writers room.
148
00:05:38,642 --> 00:05:41,862
You're saying if I'm out in
the bullpen or in the kitchen,
149
00:05:41,863 --> 00:05:43,951
can't pop a boner.
150
00:05:43,952 --> 00:05:45,039
That seems unfair.
151
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:46,345
He should be able
to pop a boner.
152
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:46,910
I feel like I
could pop a boner.
153
00:05:46,911 --> 00:05:48,608
This is America.
154
00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:49,957
Because sometimes things give
you boners and you don't know.
155
00:05:49,958 --> 00:05:52,133
I would rather someone
tell me they have a boner
156
00:05:52,134 --> 00:05:54,091
than me have to guess whether
or not they have a boner.
157
00:05:54,092 --> 00:05:56,050
I don't want to be pointing
at people's shorts and going,
158
00:05:56,051 --> 00:05:57,181
do you have a boner?
159
00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:58,313
I can't spend all
day doing that.
160
00:05:58,314 --> 00:05:59,836
We have enough on our plates.
161
00:05:59,837 --> 00:06:01,534
We can't handle all the
interruptions all day of who
162
00:06:01,535 --> 00:06:03,927
and who has a
boner all day long.
163
00:06:03,928 --> 00:06:05,233
Well, we have
hired a lot of men.
164
00:06:05,234 --> 00:06:06,408
So that's your fault.
165
00:06:06,409 --> 00:06:08,889
We can send out
an email to everyone
166
00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:11,065
in the office that says,
"I have a boner right now.
167
00:06:11,066 --> 00:06:11,892
Watch out."
168
00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:12,807
No.
169
00:06:16,332 --> 00:06:18,507
Feel like it
can't be controlled.
170
00:06:18,508 --> 00:06:20,074
Hey, Stick.
What's up?
171
00:06:20,075 --> 00:06:21,205
- Oh my god.
- Not much.
172
00:06:21,206 --> 00:06:22,598
How's your hanging?
173
00:06:22,599 --> 00:06:24,383
My
hanging real low.
174
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:28,648
Did you see that
game last night?
175
00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:30,563
Oh my god.
176
00:06:30,564 --> 00:06:32,434
yeah I saw the game.
177
00:06:32,435 --> 00:06:34,915
It made me want to blow
my load into my own ...
178
00:06:34,916 --> 00:06:36,525
MotherMother sucks
just be
179
00:06:36,526 --> 00:06:38,484
sitting on their .
180
00:06:38,485 --> 00:06:39,398
And--
181
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,269
Scene.
182
00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:42,618
Are you kidding me?
183
00:06:42,619 --> 00:06:43,837
We'll just do it.
184
00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:46,492
And then if it's wrong,
you'll tell us no.
185
00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:47,710
That's all we have
for you today, Patty.
186
00:06:47,711 --> 00:06:50,452
That's all we have, Patty.
187
00:06:50,453 --> 00:06:53,803
I'm sorry if we made
you feel uncomfortable.
188
00:06:53,804 --> 00:06:56,153
But it was for science.
189
00:06:56,154 --> 00:06:59,853
Anything's OK in the
pursuit of science.
190
00:06:59,854 --> 00:07:01,202
Friends for 30 years--
191
00:07:01,203 --> 00:07:03,726
we've been writing comedy.
192
00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:07,774
Now, we run a bed and brunch
in the Hudson Valley--
193
00:07:07,775 --> 00:07:09,384
"Hudson
Valley Ballers."
194
00:07:09,385 --> 00:07:10,951
What?
What?
195
00:07:10,952 --> 00:07:11,995
Good morning.
196
00:07:11,996 --> 00:07:13,736
Morning.
197
00:07:13,737 --> 00:07:16,130
Had a dream that you
and I were both deer.
198
00:07:16,131 --> 00:07:18,872
We were so sexy.
199
00:07:18,873 --> 00:07:21,962
Speaking of sexy, how
do I look doing yoga?
200
00:07:21,963 --> 00:07:26,227
Well, this is your
first time, right?
201
00:07:26,228 --> 00:07:29,056
Thanks to my hot flashes,
all yoga's hot yoga to me.
202
00:07:30,841 --> 00:07:33,234
That's what they said
on the funnies today.
203
00:07:33,235 --> 00:07:35,192
That Kathy, she's a pip.
204
00:07:35,193 --> 00:07:36,063
I'll tell you something.
205
00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:40,371
Holy sweet Jesus.
206
00:07:40,372 --> 00:07:42,199
Oh.
207
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,593
Look, little one gave
us an invitation.
208
00:07:44,594 --> 00:07:48,075
Oh, it looks like the
feminists are doing a powwow
209
00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:49,642
at the barn today, James.
210
00:07:49,643 --> 00:07:52,427
Is that like a cat
breastfeeding circle?
211
00:07:52,428 --> 00:07:53,689
No, James.
212
00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:54,908
You know what?
213
00:07:54,909 --> 00:07:56,475
I think I'll tell my
cousin Feliz to go.
214
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,519
She's looking to
meet new friends.
215
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,782
She just moved
here 12 years ago.
216
00:07:59,783 --> 00:08:01,480
Oh, Blake's hosting it.
217
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:02,655
Oh my gosh.
218
00:08:02,656 --> 00:08:04,047
I lived with her once.
219
00:08:04,048 --> 00:08:05,962
We shared expenses
for three years.
220
00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:10,663
I wanted to welcome
you to the Autumnal
221
00:08:10,664 --> 00:08:14,014
Vajumnal of the
Wo-mon's Symposium
222
00:08:14,015 --> 00:08:15,450
of the Hurdston Valley.
223
00:08:15,451 --> 00:08:17,713
I probably should have
called it "Vag-ley,"
224
00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:19,541
looking at it in hindsight.
225
00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:22,544
But we got a lot on the
dickless docket today.
226
00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:24,720
So I just want to make
sure I cover all this.
227
00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:27,070
I want to thank you
first on a personal level
228
00:08:27,071 --> 00:08:29,638
for all the compliments
on my new 'do.
229
00:08:29,639 --> 00:08:34,208
I grew it out because I wanted
to, not because I should have.
230
00:08:34,209 --> 00:08:36,558
I have a new album
coming out here.
231
00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:37,820
It's just called Blake--
232
00:08:37,821 --> 00:08:39,430
"To What End?"
233
00:08:39,431 --> 00:08:41,911
No last name, just "Blake."
234
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:44,000
It's really hard to
spell my last name
235
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:45,262
so we went ahead with--
236
00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:47,134
Blake, can we
just do this thing?
237
00:08:47,135 --> 00:08:49,963
Would you get off my balls?
238
00:08:49,964 --> 00:08:52,661
One thing I did want to talk
about today is strip clubs.
239
00:08:52,662 --> 00:08:55,316
Strip clubs are
like the seasons.
240
00:08:55,317 --> 00:08:56,970
They're going to happen.
241
00:08:56,971 --> 00:09:00,930
I think that we should try to
rally around these strip clubs
242
00:09:00,931 --> 00:09:03,629
and at least create a safe
room for the strippers.
243
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,326
You know-- you know
what the safe room
244
00:09:05,327 --> 00:09:06,501
in the strip club should be?
245
00:09:06,502 --> 00:09:07,589
The strip club.
246
00:09:07,590 --> 00:09:08,851
Don't let men in there.
247
00:09:08,852 --> 00:09:10,157
Just let women in there.
248
00:09:10,158 --> 00:09:11,201
Hey, girls.
249
00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:12,072
Come on in.
250
00:09:12,073 --> 00:09:14,161
Sorry I'm late.
251
00:09:14,162 --> 00:09:15,945
My husband wanted me
to iron his shirt.
252
00:09:15,946 --> 00:09:17,512
So you know how that goes.
253
00:09:17,513 --> 00:09:20,123
Just put my bottom right here.
254
00:09:20,124 --> 00:09:22,212
You know, men really
love my bottom.
255
00:09:22,213 --> 00:09:24,432
I'm like, what's
wrong with the front.
256
00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:25,433
And you are?
257
00:09:25,434 --> 00:09:27,217
Feliz.
258
00:09:27,218 --> 00:09:28,088
Very nice.
259
00:09:28,089 --> 00:09:29,350
Welcome.
260
00:09:29,351 --> 00:09:30,699
Hey, it's OK my
purse is there, right?
261
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,092
It's perfectly fine.
- Great.
262
00:09:32,093 --> 00:09:33,528
OK.
263
00:09:33,529 --> 00:09:36,749
I'm going to bring up
some more topics here.
264
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:38,577
One is breastfeeding
in public, guys.
265
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,580
You know, it's like we're
feeding a life here.
266
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,583
These are not for
your erections.
267
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,585
My husband loves my boobs.
268
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:52,242
He calls them his
antidepressants.
269
00:09:52,243 --> 00:09:53,983
That's terrific.
270
00:09:53,984 --> 00:09:54,854
That's good to know.
271
00:09:54,855 --> 00:09:56,029
What do you think?
272
00:09:56,030 --> 00:09:57,508
What am I looking at?
273
00:09:57,509 --> 00:10:01,295
This, this, and this.
274
00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:04,472
You know, the most important
thing is that we feel powerful
275
00:10:04,473 --> 00:10:06,430
as women in our
relationships, whether we're
276
00:10:06,431 --> 00:10:07,431
with a man or a woman.
277
00:10:07,432 --> 00:10:08,694
Yes, empowered.
278
00:10:08,695 --> 00:10:10,609
You know when I
feel the most powerful?
279
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,959
When my legs are even tan.
280
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:13,873
What?
281
00:10:13,874 --> 00:10:15,439
That's an external thing.
282
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,571
That's not your real power.
283
00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:17,703
What's inside?
284
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:19,052
What's inside your legs?
285
00:10:19,053 --> 00:10:21,750
Well, that's-- let
me tell you something.
286
00:10:21,751 --> 00:10:24,405
If you want to have a
credit card in your purse
287
00:10:24,406 --> 00:10:26,146
and you want to go
shopping at the mall,
288
00:10:26,147 --> 00:10:28,235
then you are going to
make your husband happy.
289
00:10:28,236 --> 00:10:29,540
You hear me?
290
00:10:29,541 --> 00:10:31,673
What makes me happy
is being a woman,
291
00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:34,633
a woman with these and
these that I bought for me,
292
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,243
my hey-hey, all of that.
293
00:10:36,244 --> 00:10:37,113
You know, what-what?
294
00:10:37,114 --> 00:10:38,201
That makes me happy.
295
00:10:38,202 --> 00:10:39,333
Don't get upset or anything.
296
00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:40,203
We're not judging you here.
297
00:10:40,204 --> 00:10:41,596
You know what?
298
00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:43,119
Maybe you girls should
try smiling a little more.
299
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:44,555
Maybe you should try
wearing some pantyhose.
300
00:10:44,556 --> 00:10:45,426
I don't know.
301
00:10:45,427 --> 00:10:48,081
That's offensive.
302
00:10:48,082 --> 00:10:49,473
Talk through it, ladies.
- But guess what?
303
00:10:49,474 --> 00:10:50,518
Guess what, girls?
304
00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:51,780
None of you are
getting the rose!
305
00:10:51,781 --> 00:10:53,782
Not you, not you, none of you!
306
00:10:53,783 --> 00:10:54,783
I have an
entire rose garden.
307
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,306
What are you talking about?
308
00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:57,177
I'm out of here!
309
00:10:57,178 --> 00:10:58,091
Oh, let me--
310
00:10:58,092 --> 00:10:59,179
come on, guys.
311
00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:01,921
We've got to embrace
everybody here.
312
00:11:01,922 --> 00:11:02,836
Oh.
313
00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:07,840
I'm sorry it got
rough in there.
314
00:11:07,841 --> 00:11:11,582
Those women, they talk
and they talk and they talk.
315
00:11:11,583 --> 00:11:14,498
And they don't take shit.
316
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:18,024
Wear comfortable bras.
317
00:11:18,025 --> 00:11:20,853
Make a little bit of sense.
318
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:23,594
I think I want to
go back in there.
319
00:11:23,595 --> 00:11:26,162
Well, lady.
320
00:11:26,163 --> 00:11:30,776
That's a cute belt. Are
you a championship wrestler?
321
00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:33,692
I'm just an old
lesbo with a bum back.
322
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:34,910
Come on.
323
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,181
Hey, Saunders.
324
00:11:45,182 --> 00:11:45,835
Hey, look down, man.
325
00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:49,577
Oh!
326
00:11:51,058 --> 00:11:52,841
Oh, no!
327
00:11:52,842 --> 00:11:54,060
Was that his dick?
328
00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:55,757
What are you doing, man?
329
00:11:55,758 --> 00:11:56,759
Oh, gosh!
330
00:12:05,768 --> 00:12:06,637
No, no, no, no.
331
00:12:06,638 --> 00:12:09,031
I'm sorry, honey.
332
00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:10,250
Just grumpy.
333
00:12:10,251 --> 00:12:11,512
I saw a dick today.
334
00:12:11,513 --> 00:12:13,296
Saunders is waving to me.
335
00:12:13,297 --> 00:12:14,994
I give him a wave back.
336
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:16,256
Great exchange.
337
00:12:16,257 --> 00:12:18,127
Then he goes-- he
starts pointing down.
338
00:12:18,128 --> 00:12:19,433
At what?
339
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,087
I'll try anything
once, you know?
340
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:24,786
I look down and his dick is out.
341
00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:27,571
It's ruining my day, all right?
342
00:12:27,572 --> 00:12:28,572
Hey, just-- just
take the day off.
343
00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:29,443
Go.
344
00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:31,010
Don't worry about it.
345
00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:33,795
I don't think you have
the power to do that.
346
00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:35,145
I've sent-- I've
sent other guys home.
347
00:12:56,166 --> 00:12:57,123
Oh!
348
00:12:58,865 --> 00:13:02,389
No!
349
00:13:02,390 --> 00:13:03,825
Twice!
350
00:13:03,826 --> 00:13:05,871
That just turned my
world upside down!
351
00:13:05,872 --> 00:13:07,961
Dear diary, saw a dick today.
352
00:13:11,094 --> 00:13:12,573
Just got so excited
when I saw the wave.
353
00:13:12,574 --> 00:13:14,444
I'm riding high on that wave.
354
00:13:14,445 --> 00:13:15,532
Points down-- there you go.
355
00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:17,839
I think it's all
part of his plan.
356
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,841
What did you think
you were going to see?
357
00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:21,103
A cool dog or something.
358
00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:24,585
It could be anything down there.
359
00:13:26,588 --> 00:13:27,457
Ah.
360
00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:29,938
Man.
361
00:13:32,289 --> 00:13:33,203
Oh!
362
00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:40,122
That's what I'll
do to your face!
363
00:13:41,516 --> 00:13:42,385
Oh, man!
364
00:13:42,386 --> 00:13:43,734
A dick!
365
00:13:45,346 --> 00:13:46,215
Dick!
366
00:13:47,261 --> 00:13:48,130
It's a dick!
367
00:13:49,741 --> 00:13:51,046
Look at other things.
368
00:13:51,047 --> 00:13:51,917
Dick!
369
00:13:53,441 --> 00:13:56,443
Yeah!
370
00:13:59,621 --> 00:14:01,491
No!
371
00:14:01,492 --> 00:14:03,189
Leave me alone.
372
00:14:30,565 --> 00:14:31,565
Hey!
373
00:14:31,566 --> 00:14:32,567
No way!
374
00:14:37,311 --> 00:14:38,007
Look down?
375
00:14:42,446 --> 00:14:43,794
Oh, man!
376
00:14:43,795 --> 00:14:45,318
Dog dick!
377
00:14:51,107 --> 00:14:52,412
Who's that girl?
378
00:14:52,413 --> 00:14:53,761
Who's that girl?
379
00:14:53,762 --> 00:14:54,893
Who's that girl?
380
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:55,502
Who's that girl?
381
00:14:55,503 --> 00:14:56,633
It's--
382
00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:57,548
Muriel Rosenberg.
383
00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:02,684
Where'd I get this bruise?
384
00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:08,080
Hey, you guys,
we're late with rent again.
385
00:15:08,081 --> 00:15:09,298
So Muriel?
386
00:15:09,299 --> 00:15:11,474
I'm waiting on my
Social Security check.
387
00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:12,911
You got a problem?
388
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,303
Take it up with Uncle Sam.
389
00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:17,089
Oh, Muriel, this cup
is in the bathroom for me
390
00:15:17,090 --> 00:15:18,655
to rinse my beautiful
Jewish teeth, not
391
00:15:18,656 --> 00:15:19,961
for you to soak your dentures.
392
00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:23,834
Don't get your panties
in a knot, Valentino.
393
00:15:23,835 --> 00:15:28,056
Those are my fancy
dentures, hardly used.
394
00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:29,231
I can't take
this right now, OK?
395
00:15:29,232 --> 00:15:30,406
I'm on edge.
396
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:31,407
If I don't have sex
by tonight, it'll
397
00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:33,105
officially be a dry spell.
398
00:15:33,106 --> 00:15:34,671
You want to talk about dry?
399
00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:35,542
I--
400
00:15:35,543 --> 00:15:36,804
Please don't.
401
00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:38,675
Schmidt, look,
let's go out tonight.
402
00:15:38,676 --> 00:15:39,546
I'll be your wingman.
403
00:15:39,547 --> 00:15:40,721
Thank you, Winston.
404
00:15:40,722 --> 00:15:42,027
I'll call up some
of my boys and we'll
405
00:15:42,028 --> 00:15:43,245
see what's hot tonight.
406
00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:45,291
Before you go, could
you please get me
407
00:15:45,292 --> 00:15:47,380
another hot water with lemon?
408
00:15:47,381 --> 00:15:51,210
Oh, and my hemorrhoid pillow.
409
00:15:51,211 --> 00:15:53,299
You do know he's
not the help, right?
410
00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:55,997
Oh, listen, boys,
my friend Zelda Weiner
411
00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:58,043
is coming over to play bridge.
412
00:15:58,044 --> 00:16:00,654
So you better put
some plastic down
413
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:05,006
because, as you may recall, she
has a very unwieldy bladder.
414
00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:06,921
Ah.
415
00:16:10,404 --> 00:16:11,752
Oh.
416
00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:12,883
Much better.
417
00:16:15,452 --> 00:16:16,583
Hey.
418
00:16:16,584 --> 00:16:17,410
You must be Zelda.
419
00:16:17,411 --> 00:16:18,541
Oh.
420
00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:19,847
Where's the bathroom?
Oh.
421
00:16:19,848 --> 00:16:20,717
Oh.
422
00:16:20,718 --> 00:16:22,719
Oh, I gotta go.
423
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:23,459
Get out of my way.
424
00:16:23,460 --> 00:16:25,331
I gotta go.
425
00:16:25,332 --> 00:16:28,073
Oh, I hope I make it.
426
00:16:28,074 --> 00:16:30,945
I guess they better
put some plastic down.
427
00:16:30,946 --> 00:16:32,773
Oh.
428
00:16:32,774 --> 00:16:35,210
Muriel, I'll cover your
rent until you get your check.
429
00:16:35,211 --> 00:16:37,821
But I think it's time maybe you
should start looking for a job.
430
00:16:37,822 --> 00:16:40,128
You know I can't
leave the house.
431
00:16:40,129 --> 00:16:42,043
Remember what
happened last time?
432
00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:44,045
Does an elderly
woman live here?
433
00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:45,873
She's suspected of mowing
down an entire farmer's
434
00:16:45,874 --> 00:16:48,876
market with her Buick.
435
00:16:48,877 --> 00:16:50,965
Tell them I died.
436
00:16:50,966 --> 00:16:52,358
A hit-and-run's
pretty serious.
437
00:16:52,359 --> 00:16:53,663
I still think you
should turn yourself in.
438
00:16:53,664 --> 00:16:55,274
Why?
439
00:16:55,275 --> 00:16:57,232
So I can get sent to one of
those Obama death panels?
440
00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:58,668
Those don't exist.
441
00:16:58,669 --> 00:17:02,324
Gee, Zelda must have fallen
asleep on the can again.
442
00:17:02,325 --> 00:17:03,195
Yes.
443
00:17:03,196 --> 00:17:05,806
The spell is broken.
444
00:17:05,807 --> 00:17:09,549
Oh, you might want to wipe that
yellow Schmidt on your face.
445
00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:10,680
Yeah.
446
00:17:10,681 --> 00:17:13,205
Why can I never
get the channel
447
00:17:13,206 --> 00:17:14,815
for "Murder, She Wrote"?
448
00:17:14,816 --> 00:17:17,600
Feel like we have this
conversation every day.
449
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:18,993
What was that
supposed to mean?
450
00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:20,690
It's on our DVR, Muriel.
451
00:17:20,691 --> 00:17:25,260
It's all-- it's 90% of our
DVR is "Murder, She Wrote."
452
00:17:25,261 --> 00:17:28,307
Honestly, Sara, I want
to see you be brave.
453
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:31,701
Yeah, that's a line
from my song, "Brave."
454
00:17:31,702 --> 00:17:32,746
Oh, really?
455
00:17:32,747 --> 00:17:34,313
I don't know that one.
456
00:17:34,314 --> 00:17:36,402
I guess because I don't
live in a Starbucks.
457
00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:37,707
Yeah.
458
00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:39,796
It's not in Starbucks.
459
00:17:39,797 --> 00:17:43,235
I don't live in a Starbucks.
460
00:17:43,236 --> 00:17:44,758
My name's Janessa Slater.
461
00:17:44,759 --> 00:17:47,108
And I'm a media coach who's
helped hundreds of bands.
462
00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:48,154
This is "Sound Advice."
463
00:17:51,287 --> 00:17:53,506
So you were born in
Eureka, California.
464
00:17:53,507 --> 00:17:54,376
Yeah.
465
00:17:54,377 --> 00:17:55,638
What was that like?
466
00:17:55,639 --> 00:17:57,249
It's awesome.
467
00:17:57,250 --> 00:17:59,773
It's a sweet little small
town in Northern California.
468
00:17:59,774 --> 00:18:02,297
Eureka!
469
00:18:02,298 --> 00:18:04,517
Yeah.
470
00:18:04,518 --> 00:18:08,303
It's a phrase that you
say when you found it.
471
00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:10,262
No, but my folks
still live up there.
472
00:18:10,263 --> 00:18:11,959
And it's beautiful.
473
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,134
It's right on the water.
474
00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:14,527
And it's in the redwood forest.
475
00:18:14,528 --> 00:18:15,441
And um--
476
00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:17,965
Eureka!
477
00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:20,141
Would you like to
do one together or--
478
00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:22,578
No.
479
00:18:22,579 --> 00:18:25,277
Anyway, it's-- yeah,
I loved it there.
480
00:18:25,278 --> 00:18:27,366
I really-- I had a--
had a great childhood.
481
00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:29,063
And it was really--
482
00:18:29,064 --> 00:18:31,718
it was fun to--
483
00:18:31,719 --> 00:18:33,720
are you going to
just keep doing that?
484
00:18:33,721 --> 00:18:34,982
OK, I don't get it.
485
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:37,680
You're a platinum-selling
female pop star.
486
00:18:37,681 --> 00:18:40,292
Yet I've never read about
you in any of the tabloids
487
00:18:40,293 --> 00:18:42,598
that I steal from
the grocery store.
488
00:18:42,599 --> 00:18:44,470
So I'm just wondering, have
you ever thought about,
489
00:18:44,471 --> 00:18:47,864
like, maybe having a
public meltdown, you know,
490
00:18:47,865 --> 00:18:49,910
because I have.
491
00:18:49,911 --> 00:18:52,739
No, I haven't.
492
00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:54,741
And I sort of like
staying private.
493
00:18:54,742 --> 00:18:57,700
Well, here's what my public
meltdown would look like.
494
00:18:57,701 --> 00:18:59,441
Get me my agent!
495
00:18:59,442 --> 00:19:01,356
Get me my manager!
496
00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:03,228
I'm having a public meltdown!
497
00:19:06,797 --> 00:19:10,148
You know, just kind of
try, you know, just like--
498
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,366
Just like--
499
00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:12,454
Can
you do this for me?
500
00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:13,151
Will you just
yell, like, where's
501
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,978
my agent and my manager?
502
00:19:14,979 --> 00:19:16,197
The stuff's a mess.
503
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:17,067
Can you just--
504
00:19:17,068 --> 00:19:18,199
I could.
505
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,635
I could actually
do that right now.
506
00:19:19,636 --> 00:19:20,419
OK.
Let's see it.
507
00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:22,377
Yeah.
508
00:19:22,378 --> 00:19:24,118
Seriously?
509
00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:26,555
So have you ever
thought about putting
510
00:19:26,556 --> 00:19:29,297
a parental advisory
label on your album,
511
00:19:29,298 --> 00:19:32,605
like, "This music is
for parents only"?
512
00:19:32,606 --> 00:19:37,871
I do have a parental advisory
because I swear on the record
513
00:19:37,872 --> 00:19:39,002
before this one.
514
00:19:39,003 --> 00:19:40,569
What does the
swearing sound like?
515
00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:43,137
Does it sound like, aw, shucks.
516
00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:44,791
This darn thing.
517
00:19:44,792 --> 00:19:48,403
Can't even get-- you know,
everyone, get in the car.
518
00:19:48,404 --> 00:19:51,058
You know, guys, put
your shoes back on.
519
00:19:51,059 --> 00:19:53,103
We just got to the restaurant.
520
00:19:53,104 --> 00:19:54,627
Is that what your
swearing sounds like?
521
00:19:54,628 --> 00:19:56,237
You want me
to tell you what a
522
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:57,804
I think you're being right now?
523
00:19:57,805 --> 00:19:59,632
Get edgy right now?
524
00:19:59,633 --> 00:20:02,025
Start dropping swear
words left, right, and center?
525
00:20:02,026 --> 00:20:03,244
Does that feel good?
526
00:20:03,245 --> 00:20:04,550
Is this what you're
wanting from me?
527
00:20:04,551 --> 00:20:05,594
I wore leather.
528
00:20:05,595 --> 00:20:06,943
That's hard.
529
00:20:06,944 --> 00:20:08,118
I loved that.
530
00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:09,511
Oh my god.
531
00:20:09,512 --> 00:20:10,904
OK.
532
00:20:10,905 --> 00:20:13,080
Now, let's talk about
your juvenile music more.
533
00:20:13,081 --> 00:20:15,038
OK, I'm going to read
you some of the lyrics
534
00:20:15,039 --> 00:20:16,257
from your song "Brave."
535
00:20:16,258 --> 00:20:17,519
And I'm going to give
you some feedback.
536
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,042
OK.
537
00:20:19,043 --> 00:20:21,654
"Say what you want to say
and let the words fall out.
538
00:20:21,655 --> 00:20:25,179
Honestly, I want to see you be
brave with what you want to say
539
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:26,572
and let the words fall out.
540
00:20:26,573 --> 00:20:28,878
Honestly, I want to
see you be brave.
541
00:20:28,879 --> 00:20:33,274
I just want to see you.
542
00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:35,058
I want to see you be brave."
543
00:20:35,059 --> 00:20:38,410
What's so brave about
saying what you want to say?
544
00:20:38,411 --> 00:20:40,368
I say what I want to
say all the time, OK?
545
00:20:40,369 --> 00:20:42,501
And I get labeled
as out-of-touch.
546
00:20:42,502 --> 00:20:44,590
I mean, what's the bravest
thing you've ever done,
547
00:20:44,591 --> 00:20:46,722
except dressing like
you tripped and fell
548
00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:49,116
into an LL Bean sample sale?
549
00:20:49,117 --> 00:20:51,858
I just don't
like you very much.
550
00:20:51,859 --> 00:20:52,946
It's incredible.
551
00:20:52,947 --> 00:20:54,513
Have you ever
thought about, like,
552
00:20:54,514 --> 00:20:56,645
maybe doing some club music,
because EDM is a huge thing
553
00:20:56,646 --> 00:20:57,777
right now, you know?
554
00:20:57,778 --> 00:21:00,214
Maybe your song
could be more like,
555
00:21:00,215 --> 00:21:02,869
"I want to see you
be rave," you know?
556
00:21:02,870 --> 00:21:06,046
I just want to see you
dance and do designer drugs
557
00:21:06,047 --> 00:21:09,528
and, like, go like
this all the time.
558
00:21:09,529 --> 00:21:12,879
I want to
see you be rave."
559
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,446
Beat.
560
00:21:14,447 --> 00:21:18,232
That-- honestly, that looks
more like a public meltdown.
561
00:21:18,233 --> 00:21:21,496
You're a hot guy
who drives women crazy.
562
00:21:21,497 --> 00:21:24,673
But you might not be lighting up
as much pussy as you could be.
563
00:21:24,674 --> 00:21:29,548
That's why there's holding
babies for hot guys.
564
00:21:29,549 --> 00:21:32,115
When a hot guy
does literally anything,
565
00:21:32,116 --> 00:21:33,682
it's impressive.
566
00:21:33,683 --> 00:21:35,510
So when a hot guy
picks up a baby,
567
00:21:35,511 --> 00:21:38,165
it's like drenching the
room in sex kerosene
568
00:21:38,166 --> 00:21:40,950
and lighting a well-hung match.
569
00:21:40,951 --> 00:21:44,345
If you're a tall,
symmetrical male with 11% body
570
00:21:44,346 --> 00:21:47,130
fat, holding babies is
specially formulated
571
00:21:47,131 --> 00:21:50,177
to dial up your natural
hotness until women feel
572
00:21:50,178 --> 00:21:51,657
like their clits will explode.
573
00:21:53,094 --> 00:21:56,009
When straight women see
a hot guy holding a baby,
574
00:21:56,010 --> 00:21:58,664
they're reminded that
he's a potential daddy.
575
00:21:58,665 --> 00:22:01,536
Once the brain is flooded
with daddy particles,
576
00:22:01,537 --> 00:22:03,930
all the excess
moisture and blood
577
00:22:03,931 --> 00:22:05,627
flows right down
to the genitals,
578
00:22:05,628 --> 00:22:08,935
making everything
slippery and hot.
579
00:22:08,936 --> 00:22:10,545
Holding
babies should not
580
00:22:10,546 --> 00:22:13,113
be used in combination with
any other super hot activities.
581
00:22:13,114 --> 00:22:15,028
Tell your doctor if
you're already walking out
582
00:22:15,029 --> 00:22:18,031
of the ocean in jeans, wiping
crude oil off your brow,
583
00:22:18,032 --> 00:22:19,902
riding a motorcycle
through a vineyard,
584
00:22:19,903 --> 00:22:22,296
or cooking a meat-based
meal in a beautiful kitchen,
585
00:22:22,297 --> 00:22:24,907
as this may result in a
full-on bacchanalian
586
00:22:24,908 --> 00:22:25,821
murder fest.
587
00:22:27,302 --> 00:22:29,608
Results for holding
babies may vary.
588
00:22:29,609 --> 00:22:31,349
Do not exceed the
recommended holding babies
589
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:33,873
dosage of 20 to 35 minutes.
590
00:22:33,874 --> 00:22:36,441
Be sure to hand the baby back to
whatever haggard woman you took
591
00:22:36,442 --> 00:22:39,182
it from in the first place.
592
00:22:39,183 --> 00:22:41,359
Oh, clean yourself up.
593
00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,882
See you around.
594
00:22:42,883 --> 00:22:45,232
Holding
babies for hot guys--
595
00:22:45,233 --> 00:22:47,321
because you already
have everything.
596
00:22:47,322 --> 00:22:51,238
Why not take a little more?
597
00:22:51,239 --> 00:22:52,108
Get away from me, David.
40816
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof