All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S01E15.But.I.Thought.She.Was.On.the.Phone.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

So what had happened was, I
just got back from Amsterdam.

And I got good news, guys.

I lost my prostitute virginity.

I went there with my friends
and Michelle.

And we went to the red light
district one afternoon.

And my friend Michelle was
like, yo, you're in Amsterdam.

You got to get a prostitute,
you only YOLO once.

So I just started going up to
all of them, the prostitutes.

They just like, hang
out in the window.

And they're just like,
come on inside of me

stranger, because
that's their life.

By the way, I am super nervous.

And then I realize, wait.

I'm about to have a
prostitute sex sober.

I don't even have
regular sex sober.

I've got to get sauced up.

So I go across the
street to this pub,

and I just start slamming
the shittiest plastic bottle

tequila on Earth.

I took shot after
shot after shot.

Whoo.

And then, I go oh, no, no, no.

Wine, I should have
wine, because I usually

drink wine when I make love.

So I just start slamming a
bunch of box wine, that's

even worse than the tequila.

And then, I'm just sickly drunk.

And I put on my hoodie.

And I stumble out of there.

And I go up to the
first prostitute

that looks slightly attractive.

And I'm like hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.

How much for this inside?

And the first girl was
like, um, no thanks.

But I thought she
was on the phone.

So then, I'm like,
oh, I'll just wait,

which is even worse, because
now, I'm just lurking

and blocking her clients.

And then, she goes, seriously.

I'm not interested.

And then, it was like, what?

So then, I go back to
and Michelle.

And I say yo, I just got
rejected by a prostitute.

And
goes, hmm, let me

go check if she's racist,
because

is Caucasian.

And when goes
up, she's like, come on in.

No problems here.

Green lights.

So then, I walk
back up to her and I

go, lady, if you don't
let me inside your vagina,

you are racist.

So I walk away, and my
tail's between my legs.

And I stumble across
this cute Moroccan girl.

And she's game!

She brings me over
to this bed that has

more stains than surface area.

So we start going at
it, and it is amazing.

I'm just like, wow.

This girl that has
sex for a living

is really good at having sex.

And it's getting hot and heavy.

She's moaning and groaning.

She's like, oh, oh,
oh, [coughing fit]...

And she has the world's
worst whooping cough I have

ever heard in my entire life.

This is the cough I imagine
Beethoven had on his deathbed.

She's coughing up fully
rolled cigars and chunks

of Copenhagen. And
afterwards, she

tried to make chit chat,
which was awkward because she

spoke little to no English.

And she was like, .

Last year, sleep
outside, kaboom.

I was like, sleep outside?

Are you all right?

Do you want more than 50 euros?

So when I got back
to the States,

the number one
question people would

ask me when I told
them the story was,

did you wear a condom?

yes, I wore a condom.

Having sex with a prostitute
is dancing on the edge

enough for me.

I'm not raw dog.

dude, I'm
going to raw dog

a prostitute with tuberculosis
while I shoot up snake venom,

because I'm ready to die.

But seriously kids, you
put your penis raw dog

inside a prostitute,
it comes out

looking like a pepperoni pizza.

Seven minutes
in heaven, oh yeah.

Hi, this is "7 Minutes in
Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with Seth Meyers.

Hi, Seth.
- It's good to be here.

Thanks for coming.

I'll name a movie
you've been in.

OK, great.

And you give me--

I like
knowing there won't be

more than five of these.

you give me, if
you can remember it,

what you would say is your
character's most prominent

line, the big-- give me
your big line from it,

or any line you remember.

"Journey to the
Center of the Earth."

You can't go to the center
of the Earth, Brendan Fraser.

"I Don't Know
How She Does It."

Oh, "I Don't Know
How She Does--"

oh, I remember a line, earlier.

I don't know how she does it.

The titular line.

I did have the titular line.

And I don't know
how she does it.

That's right.

And then, the forthcoming--
spoiler alert--

"New Year's Eve."

Uh, OK, it's forthcoming,
"New Year's Eve."

I think one of my lines
is, is it New Year's Eve?

You got another one.

Yes.

This is called
Mikey Thinks Stinky.

This is where I'm going
to say some things

that I think are stinky.

And if you agree, you scratch
your nose up and go, so stinky.

Mikey think stinky, rotten food.

So stinky.

Mikey think stinky,
Michael Jackson's death.

No, I'm all right.

Mikey you think
stinky, a toot.

Oh, like gas?

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, depending on it.

But like yeah, so stinky, yeah.

Which of these
adjectives applies to you?

OK.

Yes or no.

Passionate?

Yes.

Political?

Yeah.

Snugly?

Yeah.

Uh, aware of critics?

- Yeah.
- Do you--

I think so.

I think "SNL" is
one of those shows

that like, people
kind of like, just are

like mainstream critical of.

- Mm-hmm.
- Like, you'll sometimes like--

They'll get to you.

you'll like read a review
in "The Economist" about like,

a book about the Titanic.

And somehow, they'll
like zing "SNL" in it.

You're like oh, come on.

How did they find me here?

This is Closet Theater
with Seth Meyers.

OK.

This is, I'm interviewing
you about recent muggings

in your neighborhood.

I'm a news reporter.

And it's clear you want this
interview to get auto-tuned,

because you're saying a
lot of like quirky sayings

that could become the new boom
goes the dynamite or double.

Gotcha.

So sir, if I can, there's
been a number of muggings

in this area recently.

How's the neighborhood reacting?

People all getting
mugged up in here.

People all
getting mugged up in here.

Do you feel like um, this
neighborhood is uh, less safe

than it was 10 years ago?

Now is the moment
when the muggers are coming.

Look out for the muggers.

The muggers are coming.

Well, I'm out of questions.

Thank you so much for
coming into the closet.

I had a really good time.

I did as well.

I've got a ton
of respect for you.

I'm a big fan.
- Thank you.

And so, it's fun to
work with you and--

OK.

Could I tell you how I like it?

Yes.

OK.

I want them right there.

Uh-huh.

And I want us to
not break eye contact.

OK.

Can I tell you how I like it?

Yeah, how do you like it?

I like it wet and sloppy, and
all involving your uh, tongue--

Uh-huh.

and my top lip.

Oh, boy.

Sucky, huh?

Yeah, it's so much suckier.

Oh, boy.

It's so much
suck-- well, for--

I-- no.

I mean, I don't feel
like I have to--

- Not my bottom lip.
- Stop doing that.

Like, is that your sales pitch?

There you go.

No, I'm not getting near that.

Now you're good, right?

The shelf?

You're going to
shelf your lip at me?

Yeah.

I'll just rest it
on your tongue.

the overpass?

Do you call this the overpass?

Give me-- give
me your viaduct.

Wait, I'll put--

I'll rest my tongue
on top of that.

OK, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hello?

Ay, ay, ay.

Uh-oh.

Get
out of the house.

Who-- who's a there?

Get out
of the house, Luigi.

Mario?

Mario's dead.

Huh?

This is no good.

Everyone
you know is going to die.

Ay, ay, ay.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

What?

Suck up the ghost.

Why don't you suck?

Come on.

Oh.

Oh.

When you die
in here, you die in real life.

Oh.

Uh, my vacuum,
it's a not a work.

What are you doing?

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Ah!

You're next.

T--T-- Toad?

Luigi?

No.

They made me eat it.

Eat what?

They made me eat my arm.

Stop.

Ay, ay, ay.

No, this is sick.

I taste like
in a cream sauce.

Kill me, Luigi, kill me.

a pipe.

Ah!

Ouchy.

No, no meadow.

Do you like pain?

No, I don't like a pain.

I love pain.

Please, don't kill me.

Look at your brother.

No.

He died like a bitch.

No.

You're dead.

The game is over, Luigi.

Your game's over.

No!

Waluigi, number one, yeah.

Hi, and welcome to Cocktails.

My guest today, you've seen her
in "Neighbors 2" and her show,

"Tawk."

Please welcome, Awkwafina.

Cheers.

That is straight bourbon.

So if anything I
say to you or ask you

makes you feel uncomfortable,
today's safe word

is Jaden Smith.

Jaden Smith.

Hey, was that our practice?

- I'm uncomfortable right now.
- Oh, OK.

- Um--
- What should we do?

No, we can keep going.

OK, OK.

OK, I'm going to
list some qualities.

OK.

I want you to tell me whether
they're a turn on or turn off.

OK.

Kisses his dog?

Turn off.

Come again?

Dogs lick their
own buttholes--

Mm-hmm.

so turn on.

Writes you poems?

Turn off.

What I hate is when
guys play the guitar--

No, that's--

and-- and then like, they
give you that dead eyes guitar

stare, because
they're not listening

to you and they're expecting
you to listen to them.

And they're giving you--
and you're talking to them,

and they're like.

I have a guitar at my place.

And I have a friend
that comes over.

And whenever he reaches towards
the guitar, I'm like, no, no.

Like, I have to--
- Yeah, yeah.

Like, I should throw it out.

Because they always
play like the first

four seconds of "Blackbird,"
and then-- and then mess up.

And they're like, wait, hold on.
I got it.

- Has a cat?
- Turn on.

Why?

Don't you feel like you have
to compete with the cat?

No, I'm not competing with it.

I'll kill the cat.

I will kill the cat and eat it.

I won't eat the cat.

I am not going to throw
my people under the bus.

If there is a porn
based on your life,

what would it be called?

Mulan Splooge.

What's the name of
your go-to sex move?

And what is it?

Washing my vagina in the
sink, right before we have sex.

And you're like an
angry squirrel in there.

It's not only the--
it's everything.

Like, the butt?

Like, I'll put--

Do you do the bird bath so--

I'll shave my leg.

he can eat the
booty like groceries?

No, no, no one's
eating the booty.

Wait, what?

I'm not-- I'm just
not-- my glasses

are getting fogged because of--

I'm like, sweating a little bit.

I wanted to offer
you this parting gift--

Oh, cool.

as a way of
saying thank you.

I've never gotten
a gift in my life.

I think you'll like this one.

- It's money.
- Sort of.

It's money.

I will take that.

Did somebody order a fire?

No.

Music.

Oh, my god.

Really?

Oh.

Do you love it?

Um, he's not even good.

Oh.

Oh no, what do
you want to touch?

I can't.

No, no, no.

I feel gross even just
throwing dollar bills at him.

Here, do you want this?

I'm gonna-- I'm
gonna just like--

Taped in the
office that rejected

pitches is normally taped
in, it's the Rejected

Pitches Oscar Special.

Hey there, little boy.

Did you get lost
and sent to a room?

You're my son's
friend, aren't you?

The Beasts of the
North Pole is such a

powerful and emotional script.

Oh, thank you.

I love Hush Puppy.

She's so sassy.

I think everything else can
go, though, including her.

No one's going to watch a
poor little girl running around

in rags for an entire movie.

So let's get rid of the
poor people, make them rich.

That'll be more fun.

We can have champagne, caviar.

Oh, pearl necklaces.

Oh, my god.

And don't have the
dad die, too sad.

Have him almost die, then get
better and be fine and be rich.

Ooh, I could see
Jon Voight as the dad.

Ooh, as a sexy, frail, rich
white woman as Hush Puppy.

And they fight the beasts
together, as a couple,

instead of just imagining them.

I think maybe,
these ideas are bad.

Well, if you don't
like these ideas,

you could just go back to the
school bus where you came from.

Get out of here, little boy.

There's a little
stop right outside.

Bye, bye.

"Silver Linings Playbook,"
what the hell does that mean,

David ?

Well, it alludes to the main
character's mental illness

and the football subplot.

Oh, didn't like any
of that, but I love

the man and the woman stuff.

Oh, so good, hate that
they're mentally deranged.

Love the dancing competition.

Hate that they suck
at dancing, though.

So let's leave the
psychopaths in the loony bin

where they belong,
and instead, focus

on two really great dancers.

Who are very mentally stable.

No, that would be a
very different movie.

Yeah, silver dancers.

They could wear silver
when they're dancing.

Let's make that movie.

Silver dancers,
the silver dancers.

It's better than your
movie, the silver dancers.

"Argo," a movie about the
making of another movie.

I-- I'm-- I just don't get it.

Well, it's not really
about the making of "Argo."

It's about the CIA pretending
to make "Argo," in order to free

a group of hostages in Iran.

Lying about a movie that
doesn't exist, now that's just

a waste of our time.

I say, we just make "Argo."

It's a sexy, Middle
Eastern sci-fi flick.

And that sounds a
lot more exciting

than some boring historical
event that already happened.

Oh yeah, no facts,
ooh, big turnoff.

Audiences hate that.

Plus, hostage situations
are so depressing, especially

if you didn't ask for it.

Well, this is
the first time we'd

be telling this story on film.

- So?
- So what?

So?

What is it-- who
cares about that?

Well, maybe they kept
it a secret for so long

because it would
make a crappy movie.

We're not going to make
this piece of sand crap.

Get out of here.

You wrote the n-word a lot.

So, "Amour," I can't read
a lick of this stuff.

But I was told, it's about
an old woman who dies.

It sounds like a terrible
idea for a movie.

The script is in French.

- What?
- What just happened?

- What did he say?
- I didn't hear.

What did he say?

Oh, he's like a little grandpa.

Is there a smelly
foreign person here

who could tell this guy that
movies are about young people

who like to have fun and kiss?

Really, there is something so
horrible and painful about you.

I hate you, but I can't leave.

I can't look away.

So to look at you--

I have no idea
what he's saying,

but I think he likes us.

I can't tell if I want him
to make love to me or leave.

Tell me, too.

I want to know.

I wish I didn't hate this
movie so much, because this

is really turning me on.

This is better than Tantric.

Let's play, would you rather?

We try to stump
each other by asking

difficult,
hypothetical questions.

Mm, I have one.

Annie, would you rather be
vice president of the universe

or prime minister of the world?

Who cares?

Vice president of the
universe, I guess.

Wrong.

I can't be wrong
about my opinion.

And yet, you were.

That's not really the idea.

It's edgier stuff.

Like oh, would you rather
walk across Severance Green

naked or wear the same
dress for an entire year?

Dress.

The world would be a better
place if humanity had uniforms.

Well, what if you
couldn't wash it?

Unsanitary, I choose naked.

Hillary might be too sure
of herself for this to be fun.

I've never struggled with
the decision in my life.

We can stump her.

Oh, oh, would you rather
have fish for hands

or have a horse head
for your own head?

Fish hands.

Most human communication is
nonverbal, facial cues, so.

Ooh, OK.

Would you rather die a virgin or
die unelected to public office?

Virgin, please Annie.

Hillary, would you rather
never read another book again

or never see your family again?

Never see my family.

I love them very much,
but I'm a grown woman

and they've given
me what they can.

This will get her.

Give up on justice
or give up on reform?

Reform, yeah.

You know, the current
system isn't perfect,

but I believe you can
affect change from within.

Hey, this is fun.
- No.

- No, it's not.
- It's not.

You're making it not fun.

No.

Let's play a new game.

OK, this is a game we
used to play at camp.

It's called Secrets.

The way it works is, I mean,
everyone just goes around

and you share a secret.

OK, I'll go first.

My secret is, I always wake
up an hour before I have to,

so that I can get a
jump start on the day.

Not like secrets to
your success, risky stuff.

Mm-hmm.

What is with this whole
blowjob thing, Annie?

Oh, I like to be in control.

I'll go.

I once stole sherry from
the residence hall supply.

That sherry is
terrible quality.

That is not the shocking part.

OK, I think I understand.

Uh-huh, OK, here's a secret.

I once dropped a class.

That's right, Professor
Cutler's modern music class.

I don't get music.

What fine arts
class did you take?

I didn't take one.

Well, you have to take an
art or music class to graduate.

No Annie, that's wrong.

Those requirements expired with
the 1965, '66 graduating class.

No, no, they were
introduced for the 1965,

1966 first year class, us.

Hillary, you might
not be able to graduate.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Did you find
everything OK today?

Yes, thank you.

Great, love this bag.

Me, too.

And $42.53.

OK.

Uh, that's a chip card.

You're going to
have to insert it.

Oh, OK.

That and uh--

don't take it out.

Oh, sorry.

Can I--

No, leave it in.

What is this for?

It's a card with a chip on it.

Duh.

OK, and take it out.

Ooh, you should have left it in.

You just told
me to take it out.

OK, try this.

Tap it, and then insert it, and
then hit credit card, and then

type in your pin.

OK.

Um, it's saying press cancel.

Press cancel.

OK.

And it was canceled,
so we have to start over.

Is that a good
beep or a bad beep?

The beeps are the same.

Take it out.

But it says, do
not remove card.

- Well, he's lying to you.
- He?

Yeah, take it out.

- Ooh.
- What?

Your identity just got stolen?

What?

No, he can't do that to me.

He?

- Are you kidding me?
- Hold on.

I'm just going to fix this.

OK, swipe it.
- Swipe the card?

Yes, I fixed it.
You can swipe.

I can swipe this card?

It's a chip card.
- Yeah, go ahead, swipe.

- OK, I'm going to swipe it.
- OK.

- OK.
- OK.

- OK.
- OK.

All right, I'm about to.

- OK, swipe it.
- OK.

Well, it's a chip card,
so that didn't work.

- Ooh, I'm going to scream.
- Ma'am, if you--

- I'm going to lose it.
- Wow.

- Really?
- Calm down.

Please, you're making a scene.

Let's just try it again.

Put it in sideways.

Yeah.

Put in two cards at once.
OK, rip it in half.

It's made of plastic.

It's thick plastic.

Tap it.
Charge it.

Trash it.

Change it.

upgrade it.

Pop it, then jiggle it.

Give me that chip.

- Oh, do you have Apple Pay?
- Yes.

Great, we don't take that.

My card is not
even in the thing.

Well, I don't know what to do.

Oh sorry, that's my ringtone.

Hello?

Well, he's not my son.

I don't know.

Ma'am, ma'am, stop,
stop, please stop.

OK?

Please, just take a breath
and hand me your ID.

Fine.

Thank you.

OK, this is a chip ID.

No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, here.

I just-- I was going to use
this cash at the dog track.

Take it.
Keep the change.

I don't want it back.

this place.

- Wow.
- Hi.

Hi.

Uh, is that a chip card?
- Oh, no.

Oh, perfect.

Here's $1,000.

Hey, thanks.

Thank
you, come back soon.