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1
00:00:03,612 --> 00:00:05,092
Hi, I'm Sugar Boy.
2
00:00:05,222 --> 00:00:07,007
I'm a boy and I
eat a lot of sugar.
3
00:00:07,137 --> 00:00:08,051
Want to hear a story?
4
00:00:08,182 --> 00:00:09,792
I'm going to tell you a story.
5
00:00:09,922 --> 00:00:13,230
It's a really cool tough lady
story called Kung Fu Mom.
6
00:00:13,361 --> 00:00:14,840
There once was this
girl, it was around
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00:00:14,971 --> 00:00:17,930
probably about 100 years
ago, and she was super tough
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00:00:18,061 --> 00:00:19,193
even though she was a lady.
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00:00:19,323 --> 00:00:21,064
She even smoked
a cigarette once.
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00:00:21,195 --> 00:00:22,761
Whenever someone
would make her mad,
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00:00:22,892 --> 00:00:25,155
she'd usually kick them in
the face, break their arms,
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00:00:25,286 --> 00:00:27,288
or pinch their
nipples really hard.
13
00:00:27,418 --> 00:00:29,159
The only thing she loved
more than kicking butts
14
00:00:29,290 --> 00:00:31,292
were baseball cards,
because my mom said people
15
00:00:31,422 --> 00:00:32,510
collected them back then.
16
00:00:32,641 --> 00:00:34,295
One day she was
organizing the cards
17
00:00:34,425 --> 00:00:37,080
by coolest looking guy when a
letter slid under her doorway.
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00:00:37,211 --> 00:00:38,777
She was like, what the heck?
19
00:00:38,908 --> 00:00:40,910
So she opened it up and read
it, and it said, "Hey there,
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00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,172
I'm a bad guy.
21
00:00:42,303 --> 00:00:43,565
I stole your favorite
baseball card.
22
00:00:43,695 --> 00:00:45,654
It's the Rollie Fingers
rated rookie card."
23
00:00:45,784 --> 00:00:47,177
She loved Rollie
Fingers because he had
24
00:00:47,308 --> 00:00:48,961
a really cool twirly mustache.
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00:00:49,092 --> 00:00:50,267
The letter said
that the bad guy was
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00:00:50,398 --> 00:00:52,052
going to bend the
card in half and rough
27
00:00:52,182 --> 00:00:54,271
up the corners so it wouldn't
be in mint condition anymore.
28
00:00:54,402 --> 00:00:56,360
It said that the bad
guy was at Coney Island,
29
00:00:56,491 --> 00:00:58,058
where we went on vacation.
30
00:00:58,188 --> 00:00:59,668
So she grabbed her
roller skates and started
31
00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:01,235
rolling to Coney Island.
32
00:01:01,365 --> 00:01:03,715
She was jumping over curbs,
high fiving cool people,
33
00:01:03,846 --> 00:01:05,717
punching out mean people,
and sometimes she'd
34
00:01:05,848 --> 00:01:07,458
dance a little because
there was some cool roller
35
00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:09,243
skating music playing.
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00:01:09,373 --> 00:01:11,375
Then she saw a bus and got on,
but it said no roller skates,
37
00:01:11,506 --> 00:01:13,508
so she gave them to some old
grandma with an eye patch
38
00:01:13,638 --> 00:01:15,205
and got on the bus.
39
00:01:15,336 --> 00:01:17,338
But after a few stops, she
realized she had sat in jelly,
40
00:01:17,468 --> 00:01:20,123
and she was so mad that she
jumped off and ran for a while.
41
00:01:20,254 --> 00:01:22,343
She was so fast she could run
the mile in about six minutes
42
00:01:22,473 --> 00:01:23,605
flat.
43
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:24,954
Then a couple of
men just popped out,
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00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,695
and she knew they were
bad, so she kicked
45
00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:28,958
one of them the penis, then
give him bad noogie that
46
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,742
knocked him out.
47
00:01:30,873 --> 00:01:32,527
Then she stole his nunchucks and
slapped another ninja with it,
48
00:01:32,657 --> 00:01:34,268
and he got a bloody
nose and passed out.
49
00:01:34,398 --> 00:01:35,660
Then she stole that
ninja's grenade
50
00:01:35,791 --> 00:01:37,445
and tricked the heck
out of the other ninja
51
00:01:37,575 --> 00:01:39,316
by quickly painting it
to look like an apple
52
00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:40,796
and giving it to him as a gift.
53
00:01:40,926 --> 00:01:42,624
He smiled and took a
bite like an idiot,
54
00:01:42,754 --> 00:01:45,105
and it blew trunks of
his body everywhere.
55
00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:47,324
Then she saw a guy riding
a bike, so she kicked him
56
00:01:47,455 --> 00:01:50,066
off and rode that for a while,
high fiving more cool people
57
00:01:50,197 --> 00:01:51,807
and punching out more idiots.
58
00:01:51,937 --> 00:01:53,809
Then she saw a
taxicab, so she hopped
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00:01:53,939 --> 00:01:55,158
in and rode that for a while.
60
00:01:55,289 --> 00:01:56,812
But it sunk like
armpits in there,
61
00:01:56,942 --> 00:01:58,509
so she got out
and ran some more.
62
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,250
And when she was
crossing the bridge,
63
00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:02,513
some guy calls her a cuss word,
so she tore his nipples off
64
00:02:02,644 --> 00:02:05,037
and threw them in the water,
then got on one of those bike
65
00:02:05,168 --> 00:02:06,213
basket things.
66
00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:07,866
But after a few
blocks, the biker
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00:02:07,997 --> 00:02:10,434
ripped one, so she got off
and ran to the subway train.
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00:02:10,565 --> 00:02:12,044
And the whole
time, she just kept
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00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:14,177
thinking about Rollie Fingers
and his twirly mustache.
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00:02:14,308 --> 00:02:17,093
Then she looked around and
everyone had twirly mustaches.
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00:02:17,224 --> 00:02:18,225
That was the last straw.
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00:02:18,355 --> 00:02:19,965
She needed to get that card.
73
00:02:20,096 --> 00:02:22,142
She finally out to Coney Island
and ran through the carnival
74
00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:25,057
area and played a quick round
of skee-ball, ate a funnel cake,
75
00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:26,494
and had a wizard
read her fortune.
76
00:02:26,624 --> 00:02:28,844
And it said, "Go kick a
butt right now, baby!"
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00:02:28,974 --> 00:02:30,802
So she went to the
bad guy headquarters,
78
00:02:30,933 --> 00:02:33,022
kicked the crap out of the
door, and that's when she
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saw the Rollie Fingers card.
80
00:02:34,937 --> 00:02:37,374
Then she saw the bad guy, and
so they both ran for the card.
81
00:02:37,505 --> 00:02:39,898
But she got to it first, and
she threw it right at him
82
00:02:40,029 --> 00:02:42,684
like a ninja star, and stuck
in his forehead and he said,
83
00:02:42,814 --> 00:02:44,512
oh, crap!
84
00:02:44,642 --> 00:02:46,557
Then she took her fingers and
put them right up his Rollie,
85
00:02:46,688 --> 00:02:48,255
which means butthole.
86
00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:50,082
She was so excited that she
picked up an electric guitar
87
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:52,041
with wah wah pedal
and played a loud solo
88
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,564
without making any mistakes.
89
00:02:53,695 --> 00:02:55,610
And while she was playing,
Rollie Fingers himself
90
00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:57,612
walked in and fell in
love with her right away.
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00:02:57,742 --> 00:02:59,788
So they went in the back
room and got naked and rolled
92
00:02:59,918 --> 00:03:01,833
their butts together, I
think, and that made a baby,
93
00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:04,488
and he was named Sugar
Boy, and he was awesome!
94
00:03:04,619 --> 00:03:07,839
Sugar Boy!
95
00:03:07,970 --> 00:03:09,798
I wish my dad was
Rollie Fingers.
96
00:03:27,076 --> 00:03:28,208
There you go, little one.
97
00:03:32,168 --> 00:03:32,908
Teresa.
98
00:03:33,038 --> 00:03:34,214
Yes?
99
00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:36,999
I sold my collection
of human ears
100
00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:38,783
to buy you these headphones.
101
00:03:38,914 --> 00:03:40,089
Oh, Gina.
102
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,047
You're just too much.
103
00:03:42,178 --> 00:03:47,662
You see, I cut off my own
ears to add to your collection
104
00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:49,620
of human ears.
105
00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:50,665
Oh.
106
00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:51,753
I love them.
107
00:03:51,883 --> 00:03:54,234
Do you hear what I hear?
108
00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:55,583
Because I hear nothing.
109
00:03:57,062 --> 00:03:58,325
Who's ringing our
doorbell Christmas Eve?
110
00:03:58,455 --> 00:04:00,022
What?
Come in.
111
00:04:00,152 --> 00:04:05,767
Please, take in a stranger
on this cold and holy night.
112
00:04:05,897 --> 00:04:09,684
I stopped at the county
clerk's office to find shelter,
113
00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:13,427
but they kicked me
out on my buttocks.
114
00:04:13,557 --> 00:04:15,080
Erin.
115
00:04:15,211 --> 00:04:15,951
Come in.
116
00:04:16,081 --> 00:04:18,301
Help us trim our tree.
117
00:04:18,432 --> 00:04:21,217
This is the
story of Christmas.
118
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:25,221
This young man opened
up a pet store.
119
00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:28,877
He had rescue dogs
that had lots of lumps.
120
00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:31,009
Sebaceous cyst.
121
00:04:31,140 --> 00:04:34,186
These are bichon frises.
122
00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:37,538
It's a very nice dog
if you're very wealthy
123
00:04:37,668 --> 00:04:40,584
and you carry your dog
around in a goddamn purse.
124
00:04:40,715 --> 00:04:42,020
You know everything.
125
00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:46,634
He also befriended an
angel with gigantism.
126
00:04:46,764 --> 00:04:50,638
And then his wife shot
him right in the willy,
127
00:04:50,768 --> 00:04:55,425
and a fish jumped out of the
water and swallowed it whole.
128
00:04:55,556 --> 00:04:57,601
Nota-merry Christmas, turds.
129
00:04:57,732 --> 00:04:59,081
Who's the chimney sweep?
130
00:04:59,211 --> 00:05:00,952
Our friend.
131
00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:03,868
Is nothing sacred to you,
Erin, not even this holy night?
132
00:05:03,999 --> 00:05:07,481
That's tough talk when I'm
bringing you a little present.
133
00:05:07,611 --> 00:05:11,485
Santa, I guess, dropped them
down my chimney by mistake.
134
00:05:11,615 --> 00:05:14,966
Our 2014 notary
license renewal forms.
135
00:05:15,097 --> 00:05:17,186
But these were
postmarked months ago.
136
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:20,929
Look, it says they need to be
notarized by midnight tonight.
137
00:05:21,059 --> 00:05:25,368
Or your license is revoked.
138
00:05:25,499 --> 00:05:27,588
Where's your Catholic Jesus now?
139
00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:28,589
Go, Erin.
140
00:05:28,719 --> 00:05:30,895
Please notarize these for us.
141
00:05:31,026 --> 00:05:32,723
It's Christmas Eve.
142
00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:33,855
Oh, OK.
143
00:05:33,985 --> 00:05:34,986
I'll do it.
144
00:05:35,117 --> 00:05:36,858
Oh, wait.
145
00:05:36,988 --> 00:05:39,339
I don't have my stamp.
146
00:05:39,469 --> 00:05:40,252
Whoops.
147
00:05:42,559 --> 00:05:44,169
Sorry.
148
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:45,736
Well, I got to go.
149
00:05:45,867 --> 00:05:48,565
Services are starting at
my gorgeous Presbyterian
150
00:05:48,696 --> 00:05:50,480
church, so later, losers.
151
00:05:57,313 --> 00:06:00,229
Is there anything
I could do to help?
152
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,926
What?
153
00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:06,714
We need a notary public
by midnight tonight.
154
00:06:06,844 --> 00:06:09,325
Why didn't you say so?
155
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:15,592
Oh!
156
00:06:15,723 --> 00:06:17,464
Nuzzle my bossoms.
157
00:06:22,294 --> 00:06:24,340
Merry Christmas, Teresa.
158
00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:26,603
Merry Christmas, Gina.
159
00:06:26,734 --> 00:06:29,650
Our sisterhood is
the greatest gift of all.
160
00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:49,539
Hi, I'm Ashlaheigh
Braun-Samuels.
161
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:51,498
I play Gina Fra Diavolo.
162
00:06:51,628 --> 00:06:54,501
And I'm Kulie Bishop, and
I played Teresa Fra Diavolo.
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00:06:54,631 --> 00:06:56,241
For this very special
Christmas episode,
164
00:06:56,372 --> 00:07:01,246
we had the extreme pleasure of
having renowned stage actress
165
00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:04,206
Olive Luce Davis the halfth.
166
00:07:04,336 --> 00:07:06,469
I was raised on a dude ranch.
167
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:12,344
It was at that point that we
learned that the actual Olive
168
00:07:12,475 --> 00:07:16,218
Luce Davis the halfth had
been stuck in traffic all day
169
00:07:16,348 --> 00:07:20,265
and we'd been shooting with an
insane woman off the street.
170
00:07:20,396 --> 00:07:24,400
She is coming over
tonight for Parcheesi.
171
00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:28,012
No, she is not.
172
00:07:28,143 --> 00:07:31,407
Thank you so much for watching
this exclusive behind the
173
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:34,410
scenes look at "Notary Publix."
174
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:35,367
You uninvite her.
175
00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:36,412
OK.
176
00:07:45,639 --> 00:07:46,901
That's the one way mirror.
177
00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:48,119
The witness is
sitting behind there.
178
00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:48,990
Say hi.
179
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,339
Hi.
180
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,123
Oh, and this is the
height chart where
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00:07:52,254 --> 00:07:53,516
we get to see how tall we are.
182
00:07:53,647 --> 00:07:55,126
You totally told
me that you're 5'9".
183
00:07:55,257 --> 00:07:56,476
- Oh, boy.
- You're such a liar.
184
00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:57,346
Oh, boy.
185
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,913
Sorry!
186
00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:00,958
So you're going
to introduce us?
187
00:08:01,089 --> 00:08:02,743
Guys, this is Sally.
188
00:08:02,873 --> 00:08:05,702
Sally, this is Ben, Gabe, Steve,
and this is the guy who did it.
189
00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:07,051
Hi, guys.
Hi.
190
00:08:07,182 --> 00:08:08,357
It's so nice to meet you.
- No, no, no.
191
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,532
You don't have to touch him.
That's OK.
192
00:08:09,663 --> 00:08:10,968
Sally wanted to
see where I worked,
193
00:08:11,099 --> 00:08:12,666
and I don't have a job,
so I brought her here.
194
00:08:12,796 --> 00:08:14,232
OK,
suspect one, please
195
00:08:14,363 --> 00:08:15,451
say the phrase on the card.
196
00:08:15,582 --> 00:08:17,192
That's Officer Billingsley.
197
00:08:17,322 --> 00:08:18,933
He acts tough, but
he's a real teddy bear.
198
00:08:19,063 --> 00:08:20,674
Oh.
199
00:08:20,804 --> 00:08:22,371
Shut your mouth or I'm going
to eat your other eyeball!
200
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:23,720
Oh my god.
201
00:08:23,851 --> 00:08:24,678
Oh, no, no, it's OK.
202
00:08:24,808 --> 00:08:26,897
He's a professional actor.
203
00:08:27,028 --> 00:08:27,942
Wow, you were great.
204
00:08:28,072 --> 00:08:28,899
I like her.
205
00:08:29,030 --> 00:08:30,335
Kev, I like this one.
206
00:08:30,466 --> 00:08:32,033
Number two.
207
00:08:32,163 --> 00:08:34,775
Shut your mouth or I'm going
to eat your other eyeball.
208
00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:36,167
How long have you
guys been dating?
209
00:08:36,298 --> 00:08:37,299
- Three months.
- Three months.
210
00:08:37,429 --> 00:08:38,866
Yeah.
- Yeah.
211
00:08:38,996 --> 00:08:40,563
Number three.
212
00:08:40,694 --> 00:08:41,651
I'll have you know, Sally,
he doesn't just bring anyone
213
00:08:41,782 --> 00:08:43,697
around here, not even his wife.
214
00:08:43,827 --> 00:08:45,916
Shut your mouth or I'll
eat out your other eye!
215
00:08:46,047 --> 00:08:46,961
He must really like you.
216
00:08:47,091 --> 00:08:48,702
Guilty as charged, you know.
217
00:08:48,832 --> 00:08:50,138
I mean, not of--
not of this thing.
218
00:08:50,268 --> 00:08:51,139
You know, he did it.
219
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:52,880
Number four.
220
00:08:53,010 --> 00:08:56,013
Shut your mouth or I'm going
to eat your other eyeball.
221
00:08:56,144 --> 00:08:57,885
See, he obviously did it.
222
00:08:58,015 --> 00:08:59,582
Obviously did it.
223
00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:01,192
Sally, do you want to-- do
you want to read the phrase?
224
00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:02,280
- Yeah.
- It's a rush.
225
00:09:02,411 --> 00:09:03,325
You should do it.
- Come on.
226
00:09:03,455 --> 00:09:04,979
I don't know what I'm doing.
227
00:09:05,109 --> 00:09:06,546
Officer, is it OK if
she reads the phrase?
228
00:09:06,676 --> 00:09:07,851
OK, fine.
Just make it quick.
229
00:09:07,982 --> 00:09:09,331
There you go.
230
00:09:09,461 --> 00:09:10,288
You're going to do great.
231
00:09:10,419 --> 00:09:11,638
You're going to do great.
232
00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:15,206
Sally, Sally, Sally,
Sally, Sally, Sally!
233
00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:18,470
Shut, shut your face or
I'm going to eat your--
234
00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:20,516
one of your two eyeballs.
235
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:22,039
Oh, that was great!
236
00:09:22,170 --> 00:09:23,737
No, no, no, no,
no, you did so good.
237
00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:25,303
- No, no, stop.
- That was great.
238
00:09:25,434 --> 00:09:26,478
That was great.
No, no, no.
239
00:09:26,609 --> 00:09:27,523
- It was terrible.
- You nailed it.
240
00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:28,480
- It was so bad.
- Watch this.
241
00:09:28,611 --> 00:09:29,133
Number five.
242
00:09:29,264 --> 00:09:30,831
Watch this.
243
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:33,573
Shut your mouth or I'm going
to eat your other eyeball.
244
00:09:33,703 --> 00:09:34,661
That was great, Kev.
245
00:09:34,791 --> 00:09:35,662
That was so good.
246
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:36,576
Well, what can I say?
247
00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:37,838
That was so good.
248
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:39,448
Get your own
lineup room, you two.
249
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:40,971
Yeah, you guys.
250
00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:42,843
We should.
251
00:09:42,973 --> 00:09:44,366
You're under
arrest for murder.
252
00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:45,672
No!
253
00:09:45,802 --> 00:09:46,934
Dammit!
254
00:09:47,064 --> 00:09:48,500
I was so close to
eating your eyes.
255
00:09:48,631 --> 00:09:50,241
I'm going to eat
all your eyeballs!
256
00:09:50,372 --> 00:09:51,982
All of your eyeballs!
257
00:09:52,113 --> 00:09:54,115
Just wait till I get your eyes!
258
00:09:54,245 --> 00:09:55,507
Just wait!
259
00:09:55,638 --> 00:09:58,946
Wow, she really wanted
to eat your eyeball.
260
00:09:59,076 --> 00:10:01,035
Oh, you probably
kissed her too.
261
00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:02,819
Kevin kissed chewed up eyeball.
262
00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:05,169
Oh my god, you're right.
263
00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:08,608
Oh my god, I kissed
chewed up eyeball.
264
00:10:08,738 --> 00:10:10,827
I kissed chewed up eyeball!
265
00:10:18,792 --> 00:10:21,533
So who are you?
266
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:22,578
Who are you?
267
00:10:33,023 --> 00:10:34,851
How about I go get changed?
268
00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:36,157
Let's get suited up.
269
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:46,646
Your move, soldier.
270
00:10:46,776 --> 00:10:49,083
Ready for action
271
00:10:55,089 --> 00:10:56,307
This is going to get tricky.
272
00:10:56,438 --> 00:10:57,308
Oh, yeah.
273
00:10:57,439 --> 00:10:58,745
Right there.
274
00:10:58,875 --> 00:10:59,876
Oh, no.
275
00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:01,008
You just had it.
276
00:11:01,138 --> 00:11:02,749
Up, up.
277
00:11:02,879 --> 00:11:03,837
Down, down.
278
00:11:03,967 --> 00:11:05,273
Left, right.
Left, right.
279
00:11:05,403 --> 00:11:06,187
B, A, Start.
280
00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:09,581
Oh, yes!
281
00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:11,018
Wait, wait.
282
00:11:11,148 --> 00:11:13,803
Do you have, you know?
283
00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:14,804
No.
284
00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:18,678
No.
285
00:11:22,116 --> 00:11:23,334
No.
286
00:11:23,465 --> 00:11:24,248
Condoms.
287
00:11:24,379 --> 00:11:25,293
Do you have condoms?
288
00:11:28,296 --> 00:11:29,558
Care
package on its way.
289
00:11:44,442 --> 00:11:47,097
Hard point secure.
290
00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:48,882
Yeah.
291
00:11:49,012 --> 00:11:51,145
Oh.
292
00:11:51,275 --> 00:11:52,973
Hold your ground, soldier!
293
00:11:53,103 --> 00:11:55,976
Hold your ground, soldier!
294
00:11:56,106 --> 00:11:57,281
Think about baseball!
295
00:12:01,155 --> 00:12:02,112
Can't win them all, soldier.
296
00:12:05,115 --> 00:12:06,073
Hey.
297
00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:06,987
Hey.
298
00:12:07,117 --> 00:12:07,988
Respond.
299
00:12:08,118 --> 00:12:10,033
Jack, respond.
300
00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:11,600
Respond.
301
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,080
- Are you going to teabag him?
- What?
302
00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:14,081
No.
303
00:12:23,568 --> 00:12:24,439
Where are we?
304
00:12:24,569 --> 00:12:26,049
Is this the Apple Store?
305
00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:27,964
Welcome, Tremaine sisters.
306
00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:28,922
Hi.
307
00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,575
Drisella, Anastasia.
308
00:12:30,706 --> 00:12:31,707
She's Anastasia.
I'm Drisella.
309
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:32,577
I'm Anastasia.
310
00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:34,405
I don't care.
311
00:12:34,536 --> 00:12:36,277
Can you get me a spring
water, servant man?
312
00:12:36,407 --> 00:12:37,408
And wash these clothes.
313
00:12:37,539 --> 00:12:38,496
And poison my sister.
314
00:12:38,627 --> 00:12:39,628
And darn these socks.
315
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:40,542
No.
316
00:12:40,672 --> 00:12:41,804
I won't.
317
00:12:41,935 --> 00:12:43,327
Fine, but
we're telling Mother.
318
00:12:43,458 --> 00:12:45,112
Listen, you cows, I'm
going to make this brief.
319
00:12:45,242 --> 00:12:46,374
You're not getting into heaven.
320
00:12:46,504 --> 00:12:48,202
Why not?
321
00:12:48,332 --> 00:12:52,249
For starters, you enslaved and
abused your lovely stepsister.
322
00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:53,250
What, Cinderella?
323
00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:54,512
She talks to rodents.
324
00:12:54,643 --> 00:12:56,079
She makes them little outfits.
325
00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:57,472
She's crazy.
326
00:12:57,602 --> 00:12:59,430
Yeah, well, you're
both really bad people?
327
00:12:59,561 --> 00:13:00,954
A bad person?
328
00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:02,477
I'm better than her.
329
00:13:02,607 --> 00:13:04,435
You think you're better than me?
330
00:13:04,566 --> 00:13:05,480
She takes sleeping pills.
331
00:13:05,610 --> 00:13:06,873
Only when I'm hungry.
332
00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:08,352
She gave the duke a
blowy in the woods.
333
00:13:08,483 --> 00:13:10,137
Yeah, so he'd
take me to the ball.
334
00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:11,529
Sounds like you
got both his balls.
335
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:13,096
- No, just one.
- Ow!
336
00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:14,619
- Ow!
- Ow!
337
00:13:14,750 --> 00:13:15,620
Ow!
338
00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:16,883
Ow!
339
00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:17,797
Ow!
340
00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:19,581
Ow!
341
00:13:19,711 --> 00:13:20,712
Stop it!
342
00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:22,366
Both of you!
343
00:13:22,497 --> 00:13:23,280
You stop.
344
00:13:23,411 --> 00:13:24,455
You stop.
345
00:13:24,586 --> 00:13:26,457
Stop.
346
00:13:26,588 --> 00:13:27,763
He's kind of sweet, though.
347
00:13:27,894 --> 00:13:30,026
Yeah, and authoritative.
348
00:13:30,157 --> 00:13:32,899
And, like, cute enough.
349
00:13:33,029 --> 00:13:34,291
I saw him first.
350
00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:35,336
No you didn't!
351
00:13:35,466 --> 00:13:38,165
Shoot for it!
352
00:13:42,256 --> 00:13:43,213
Throw paper!
353
00:13:45,955 --> 00:13:47,914
Gals, gals, I have an idea.
354
00:13:48,044 --> 00:13:48,828
I'll make you a deal.
355
00:13:48,958 --> 00:13:50,307
How about this.
356
00:13:50,438 --> 00:13:55,182
If either of you can fit
into this glass slipper,
357
00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:56,444
you get to go to heaven.
358
00:13:56,574 --> 00:13:57,445
Deal.
359
00:14:02,711 --> 00:14:04,452
That tickles.
360
00:14:04,582 --> 00:14:06,193
My mama says I
have an athlete's
361
00:14:06,323 --> 00:14:09,239
foot, whatever that means.
362
00:14:09,370 --> 00:14:10,850
OK, you know what,
I can't do this,
363
00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:13,113
so you both get into heaven.
364
00:14:13,243 --> 00:14:14,331
It's the second
door on the right.
365
00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:16,072
Yay!
366
00:14:16,203 --> 00:14:17,160
No, me first.
367
00:14:17,291 --> 00:14:18,248
Oh, no, me first.
368
00:14:18,379 --> 00:14:19,380
- No, me first.
- Oh, come on.
369
00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:20,381
Me first.
370
00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:21,295
Me first.
371
00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:22,296
me first.
372
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:23,123
No, me first.
373
00:14:23,253 --> 00:14:24,080
No, me.
374
00:14:24,211 --> 00:14:25,429
Me first.
375
00:14:28,737 --> 00:14:36,745
The past, the present,
the future, with Emily Heller.
376
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,704
Hi, I'm psychic style
performer Emily Heller,
377
00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:43,273
and I'm here with comedic
performer Reggie Watts.
378
00:14:43,404 --> 00:14:44,884
And we're going to
find out what the cards
379
00:14:45,014 --> 00:14:47,277
have to say about his future.
380
00:14:47,408 --> 00:14:48,670
Reggie, are you ready?
381
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,411
Oui.
382
00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:52,761
Have you thought about what
question you'd like answered?
383
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:56,504
I would like to know
how my relationship
384
00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:58,245
is going to turn out.
385
00:14:58,375 --> 00:14:59,507
Your relationship with?
386
00:14:59,637 --> 00:15:01,291
A person.
A human.
387
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:02,162
A human lady.
388
00:15:02,292 --> 00:15:03,641
OK.
389
00:15:03,772 --> 00:15:05,165
Think about the question
and shuffle the deck.
390
00:15:05,295 --> 00:15:06,775
OK.
391
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,429
So I'm going to do
this Vegas style.
392
00:15:08,559 --> 00:15:10,866
Uh, I'm not looking because
I don't believe in gambling,
393
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:12,824
so I don't want to know
what Vegas style is.
394
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:14,174
You take a chance.
395
00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:15,131
Here you go.
396
00:15:15,262 --> 00:15:16,002
I'm not taking a chance.
397
00:15:16,132 --> 00:15:17,177
That's the point.
398
00:15:17,307 --> 00:15:20,354
First
card, the Emperor.
399
00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:22,356
The Devil.
400
00:15:22,486 --> 00:15:25,446
It's actually the Emperor.
401
00:15:25,576 --> 00:15:27,187
Oh, yeah, it is.
402
00:15:27,317 --> 00:15:28,840
Is there someone who has
too much power over your life
403
00:15:28,971 --> 00:15:29,754
right now?
404
00:15:29,885 --> 00:15:32,453
What about a concept?
405
00:15:32,583 --> 00:15:35,021
Like an abstract concept?
406
00:15:35,151 --> 00:15:37,980
Yeah, like an
idea or a concept.
407
00:15:38,111 --> 00:15:39,242
That could be it.
408
00:15:39,373 --> 00:15:40,417
What were-- what
were you thinking?
409
00:15:40,548 --> 00:15:43,551
Like, like the
concept of my dad.
410
00:15:46,771 --> 00:15:47,859
Yeah, I could see that.
411
00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:51,037
Next
card, Two of Swords.
412
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:53,474
Is there were a
woman in your life
413
00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:57,782
who is maybe
uncautious, incautious?
414
00:15:57,913 --> 00:15:58,696
Yes.
415
00:15:58,827 --> 00:15:59,654
Yeah, yeah.
416
00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:00,481
She worked in the circus.
417
00:16:00,611 --> 00:16:01,569
Interesting.
418
00:16:01,699 --> 00:16:02,874
What did she do in the circus?
419
00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:06,835
She was a target
for a knife thrower.
420
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:07,836
I don't know what to say.
421
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,055
This is giving me the runs.
422
00:16:09,185 --> 00:16:10,099
I've got the runs.
423
00:16:10,230 --> 00:16:12,493
This is-- it's just so accurate.
424
00:16:12,623 --> 00:16:14,451
I mean, it's always
accurate when I do this,
425
00:16:14,582 --> 00:16:18,412
but with you it's exactly
as accurate as it always is.
426
00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:19,761
And that gives you the runs?
427
00:16:19,891 --> 00:16:21,023
Yeah.
428
00:16:21,154 --> 00:16:22,198
The runs.
429
00:16:22,329 --> 00:16:23,243
You know, when
your whole body is
430
00:16:23,373 --> 00:16:25,201
running up and down with cold.
431
00:16:25,332 --> 00:16:27,203
No.
432
00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:28,378
That's not what the runs is.
433
00:16:28,509 --> 00:16:31,425
Next
card, the Chariot.
434
00:16:31,555 --> 00:16:35,168
So does it freak you out
that this cat has boobs?
435
00:16:35,298 --> 00:16:40,738
No, it's always my hope
that cats have boobs.
436
00:16:40,869 --> 00:16:43,176
Like, in the human place instead
of, like, the normal place.
437
00:16:43,306 --> 00:16:44,046
Yeah.
438
00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:45,917
Because I think it's--
439
00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:47,919
it makes cats sexier.
440
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:49,878
They're not that sexy.
441
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:50,879
They can be more sexy.
442
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,402
Yeah.
443
00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:56,363
Yeah, my last cat, I gave
it a breast augmentation
444
00:16:56,493 --> 00:17:00,193
in the chest area just to see
if the theory was correct,
445
00:17:00,323 --> 00:17:02,543
and it looks good.
446
00:17:02,673 --> 00:17:04,240
It's like, when
they're laying down,
447
00:17:04,371 --> 00:17:06,416
you know, like in that
weird, like, pose like that,
448
00:17:06,547 --> 00:17:07,374
it's just--
449
00:17:07,504 --> 00:17:08,723
it's ridiculous.
450
00:17:08,853 --> 00:17:10,029
Paint me like one
of your French girls.
451
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:11,769
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
452
00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:14,685
And then I had them remove
the other-- the other boobs.
453
00:17:14,816 --> 00:17:15,643
Yeah.
454
00:17:15,773 --> 00:17:16,557
The lower boobs.
455
00:17:16,687 --> 00:17:17,732
And so it looks--
456
00:17:17,862 --> 00:17:19,473
Probably helped
her self-esteem.
457
00:17:19,603 --> 00:17:20,343
A lot.
458
00:17:20,474 --> 00:17:21,649
Yeah.
459
00:17:21,779 --> 00:17:22,519
Yeah, definitely
a different walk.
460
00:17:22,650 --> 00:17:24,565
More front heavy.
461
00:17:24,695 --> 00:17:26,393
More prone to tipping forward.
462
00:17:26,523 --> 00:17:27,829
Yeah.
463
00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:29,831
These are all really
bad signs, by the way.
464
00:17:29,961 --> 00:17:31,180
Just really bad.
465
00:17:31,311 --> 00:17:32,486
OK.
466
00:17:32,616 --> 00:17:34,270
Are you ready for
your final outcome?
467
00:17:34,401 --> 00:17:35,489
The final out--
468
00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:36,881
We're going to
have to cut that out
469
00:17:37,012 --> 00:17:38,013
because we don't have
the rights to that.
470
00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:38,927
Can we do the melody?
471
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:39,971
Change it a little bit.
472
00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:42,931
Yeah, like, the final .
473
00:17:47,327 --> 00:17:49,155
Da-uh.
474
00:17:49,285 --> 00:17:51,592
Oh, you changed the last note.
475
00:17:51,722 --> 00:17:53,289
I think we can probably
get that cleared.
476
00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:54,595
OK.
477
00:17:54,725 --> 00:17:56,249
Final card,
Eight of Swords.
478
00:17:56,379 --> 00:17:57,641
You guys should break up.
479
00:17:57,772 --> 00:17:59,382
Yeah, I think--
yeah, I think so.
480
00:17:59,513 --> 00:18:03,169
I think we should break up
and then see what happens,
481
00:18:03,299 --> 00:18:04,518
because you never know.
482
00:18:04,648 --> 00:18:06,781
Sometimes you break
up to reform again.
483
00:18:06,911 --> 00:18:07,956
Yeah.
484
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,175
That's not going to happen here.
485
00:18:09,305 --> 00:18:10,306
This was a great reading.
486
00:18:10,437 --> 00:18:12,569
I feel really good about it.
487
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:15,355
And that's just-- it's
going to be-- it's $65,
488
00:18:15,485 --> 00:18:17,748
but we went over, so
it's going to be $129.
489
00:18:17,879 --> 00:18:19,881
I didn't think I was going
to have to pay for this?
490
00:18:20,011 --> 00:18:22,449
Well, I gave you a reading.
491
00:18:22,579 --> 00:18:24,842
I don't do this for free.
492
00:18:24,973 --> 00:18:26,931
You should-- you should
make that more clear.
493
00:18:27,062 --> 00:18:28,194
Well, I'm making it clear now.
494
00:18:28,324 --> 00:18:29,195
It's like--
495
00:18:56,091 --> 00:18:56,918
Are you putting on makeup?
496
00:18:57,048 --> 00:18:57,788
What?
497
00:18:57,919 --> 00:19:00,226
No, it's, it's medicine.
498
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,755
I just want--
499
00:19:07,885 --> 00:19:14,414
I wanted to look nice for you
because last night was so hot.
500
00:19:14,544 --> 00:19:15,371
Yeah.
501
00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:17,156
Yeah, that was fun.
502
00:19:17,286 --> 00:19:21,725
But just to-- just to make sure,
this is like a no-strings kind
503
00:19:21,856 --> 00:19:23,118
of thing, right?
504
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:24,163
Yeah, totally.
505
00:19:24,293 --> 00:19:25,381
No strings.
506
00:19:25,512 --> 00:19:27,992
Strings like thread,
like knitting.
507
00:19:28,123 --> 00:19:29,690
Who does that?
508
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:32,780
No, I meant, like, no strings
like, like this is casual.
509
00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:34,260
Oh my gosh, totally casual.
510
00:19:34,390 --> 00:19:37,611
Yeah, like all I
want is your ...
511
00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:39,700
That's, that's great.
512
00:19:39,830 --> 00:19:41,658
I mean, we can
hook up some more.
513
00:19:41,789 --> 00:19:42,920
Great.
514
00:19:43,051 --> 00:19:44,095
No, I mean--
not, not right now.
515
00:19:44,226 --> 00:19:45,184
Like, some other time.
- Totally.
516
00:19:45,314 --> 00:19:46,750
Yeah, no strings.
517
00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:48,404
Super cas.
518
00:19:48,535 --> 00:19:49,623
I'm just not looking for
a relationship right now.
519
00:19:49,753 --> 00:19:51,625
Oh, relationship?
520
00:19:51,755 --> 00:19:53,453
I don't even like
to say that word.
521
00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:56,412
I mean, the last thing
I'm even thinking about
522
00:19:56,543 --> 00:20:00,721
is the possibility of going
on a romantic date with you
523
00:20:00,851 --> 00:20:04,028
to, like, your favorite
restaurant or one of mine
524
00:20:04,159 --> 00:20:05,987
and sharing each
other's interests
525
00:20:06,117 --> 00:20:11,210
and finding ourselves drawn
to each other like compasses
526
00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:12,211
to the north.
527
00:20:15,518 --> 00:20:16,258
No way.
528
00:20:16,389 --> 00:20:17,781
Not what I want.
529
00:20:17,912 --> 00:20:19,218
Right.
530
00:20:19,348 --> 00:20:20,610
Yeah, because for me,
I'm just like not--
531
00:20:20,741 --> 00:20:22,003
I'm not in that place right now.
532
00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:23,831
Who is at that place, right?
533
00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:26,921
I mean, it literally
makes me gag just thinking
534
00:20:27,051 --> 00:20:30,316
about the possibility of being
in a relationship where we move
535
00:20:30,446 --> 00:20:33,275
in with each other because
we find ourselves spending so
536
00:20:33,406 --> 00:20:35,103
much time at each
other's place anyway,
537
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:40,848
and then one day, out of the
blue, when I least expect it,
538
00:20:40,978 --> 00:20:45,679
you get down on one knee
and you ask me to marry you,
539
00:20:45,809 --> 00:20:48,464
and that ring that
means so much more
540
00:20:48,595 --> 00:20:50,858
than the countless
diamonds that make it up,
541
00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:54,949
because it is a symbol of our
undying love for each other.
542
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:02,217
Gross, right?
543
00:21:02,348 --> 00:21:05,612
See, it seems like you want
something more than casual.
544
00:21:05,742 --> 00:21:08,223
Hmm, really?
545
00:21:08,354 --> 00:21:09,093
A little bit.
546
00:21:09,224 --> 00:21:11,182
Oh, I see.
547
00:21:11,313 --> 00:21:14,795
OK, let me be like
crystal clear, OK?
548
00:21:14,925 --> 00:21:17,537
I would rather have,
like, a rabid monkey,
549
00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:21,454
like, claw my face
off than to even think
550
00:21:21,584 --> 00:21:26,546
about a future with you where
we stare into each other's eyes
551
00:21:26,676 --> 00:21:29,157
and realize that we're more
attracted to each other
552
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:32,943
than the first day we
met, which was last night.
553
00:21:33,074 --> 00:21:38,558
And we still make passionate
love to each other every day,
554
00:21:38,688 --> 00:21:41,474
sometimes in the morning
sometimes in the afternoon.
555
00:21:41,604 --> 00:21:44,259
But at the same time, we still
have a perfectly balanced
556
00:21:44,390 --> 00:21:47,262
family life, and I write a
blog about it that's better
557
00:21:47,393 --> 00:21:50,657
than Gwyneth Paltrow's.
558
00:21:50,787 --> 00:21:53,834
No, no, no.
559
00:21:53,964 --> 00:21:56,706
Bad idea alert.
560
00:21:56,837 --> 00:21:59,013
OK, on second
thought, I don't--
561
00:21:59,143 --> 00:22:01,232
I don't think maybe we
should hook up anymore.
562
00:22:01,363 --> 00:22:03,713
Oh.
563
00:22:03,844 --> 00:22:05,280
You're too attached to me.
564
00:22:05,411 --> 00:22:08,762
No, I feel like if
we continue to do this,
565
00:22:08,892 --> 00:22:10,329
I'm going to be leading you on.
566
00:22:10,459 --> 00:22:11,591
No way.
567
00:22:11,721 --> 00:22:16,204
You and me, dude,
just slam pieces.
568
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:21,775
You know, like, slam pieces.
569
00:22:21,905 --> 00:22:23,864
OK, I'm going to go.
570
00:22:23,994 --> 00:22:25,996
All right, I'm just
going to grab my shoes.
571
00:22:26,127 --> 00:22:26,954
When I least expect it.
572
00:22:27,084 --> 00:22:28,042
Yes, I'll marry you!
573
00:22:34,918 --> 00:22:36,398
We should call your mom.
574
00:22:36,529 --> 00:22:37,356
Give me her number.
575
00:22:37,486 --> 00:22:38,661
You know what, it's fine.
576
00:22:38,792 --> 00:22:40,141
I took it from your
phone last night.
577
00:22:40,271 --> 00:22:42,404
I'll call her.
39755
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