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1
00:00:03,525 --> 00:00:07,355
Ba-da-da-da,
seven minutes in heaven.
2
00:00:07,485 --> 00:00:09,096
Oh, yeah.
3
00:00:09,226 --> 00:00:11,228
Hi, this is "7 Minutes in
Heaven with Mike O'Brien."
4
00:00:11,359 --> 00:00:12,795
I'm here today with
Sarah Silverman.
5
00:00:14,405 --> 00:00:15,624
I know.
6
00:00:15,754 --> 00:00:17,887
Ooh!
7
00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:21,021
Lot of steps.
Thanks for coming.
8
00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:22,109
It's great to be here.
9
00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:24,111
I was coming here anyway.
10
00:00:24,241 --> 00:00:25,068
Literally to the closet?
11
00:00:25,199 --> 00:00:25,982
Yeah.
12
00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:27,157
Oh.
13
00:00:27,288 --> 00:00:29,942
Do you have any new--
14
00:00:33,337 --> 00:00:36,036
do you have any new, uh--
15
00:00:36,166 --> 00:00:37,341
you just were like,
let's get it out
16
00:00:37,472 --> 00:00:38,821
of the way at the beginning.
17
00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:40,562
Hmm?
18
00:00:40,692 --> 00:00:41,824
Yeah, I just was like, I just
remembered that's happening,
19
00:00:41,954 --> 00:00:43,086
so I just did it.
20
00:00:43,217 --> 00:00:46,089
It's like, it's
like with my dog.
21
00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:47,699
I sometimes-- I just go--
22
00:00:47,830 --> 00:00:49,005
just put her to sleep today.
23
00:00:49,136 --> 00:00:50,224
I can't-- it's coming.
24
00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:51,790
That's not the same.
25
00:00:51,921 --> 00:00:52,878
Oh.
26
00:00:53,009 --> 00:00:55,577
Um, yeah.
27
00:00:55,707 --> 00:00:56,795
Now, I'm blushing.
28
00:00:56,926 --> 00:01:00,843
Do you have standup
that you haven't
29
00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:03,324
tried out that you would like
a little sample audience for?
30
00:01:03,454 --> 00:01:05,326
Because I thought we would
get the crew in here,
31
00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:07,458
and if you wanted to try
a joke, we could give you
32
00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:09,678
a sample audience of four-ish.
33
00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:11,723
Ladies and gentlemen,
Sarah Silverman.
34
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,770
Thank you so much.
35
00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:16,728
I don't like to
complain at hotels.
36
00:01:16,859 --> 00:01:18,730
Like, I love staying
in a nice hotel.
37
00:01:18,861 --> 00:01:21,385
But
then, like, I hate
38
00:01:21,516 --> 00:01:27,261
calling down and complaining,
like, oh, hi, I, um--
39
00:01:27,391 --> 00:01:28,914
everything's great.
40
00:01:29,045 --> 00:01:32,831
I-- we kind of noticed there
was what looks like semen
41
00:01:32,962 --> 00:01:38,185
on the sheets, and on the
sidetable a little bit,
42
00:01:38,315 --> 00:01:42,885
and also come all over
my tits, and my boyfriend
43
00:01:43,015 --> 00:01:46,976
saw some, like, all around
the outside of his penis hole.
44
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,020
I don't know.
45
00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:48,934
Sarah Silverman.
46
00:01:50,022 --> 00:01:50,762
Thanks.
47
00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:55,767
OK, so the clothing
store, American Apparel,
48
00:01:55,898 --> 00:01:58,727
has sort of sexy ads and
billboards around town.
49
00:01:58,857 --> 00:02:02,339
Sarah and I are going to do some
classy American Apparel ads.
50
00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:03,688
I was just thinking, like, a--
51
00:02:03,819 --> 00:02:04,602
Oh, yeah.
52
00:02:07,431 --> 00:02:11,174
You just, like, pushed
your butt into my vagina.
53
00:02:11,305 --> 00:02:14,830
Um, we got three popular
animals we got to have go
54
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,179
extinct in the next 100 years.
55
00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:17,963
Who do you lose?
56
00:02:18,094 --> 00:02:21,880
I will go--
57
00:02:22,011 --> 00:02:23,055
oh.
58
00:02:23,186 --> 00:02:24,535
Hamsters.
59
00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:26,494
Jesus.
60
00:02:26,624 --> 00:02:28,191
Or guinea pigs.
61
00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:30,759
You know, I never had any
connection to the guinea pigs.
62
00:02:30,889 --> 00:02:32,369
I've got you
down for hamsters.
63
00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:33,283
OK.
64
00:02:33,414 --> 00:02:34,850
It's a bummer.
65
00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:36,460
I couldn't tell if you were
going to kiss me again,
66
00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:38,114
but I couldn't read
you right there.
67
00:02:38,245 --> 00:02:39,463
I couldn't read myself.
68
00:02:39,594 --> 00:02:40,464
This is just real quick.
69
00:02:40,595 --> 00:02:43,772
They hate when I do this, but--
70
00:02:43,902 --> 00:02:45,077
hey, what's up?
71
00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:47,471
This is Big Mike's
Hip Hop Countdown.
72
00:02:47,602 --> 00:02:48,907
This is a sideshow.
73
00:02:49,038 --> 00:02:50,257
I do-- I'm here today
with Sarah Silverman.
74
00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:51,171
What's up, Sarah?
75
00:02:51,301 --> 00:02:52,433
How are you?
76
00:02:52,563 --> 00:02:53,782
Hey, what's going on?
77
00:02:53,912 --> 00:02:55,566
Pretty good.
78
00:02:55,697 --> 00:02:57,786
We're counting down the best
hip hop songs coming at you.
79
00:02:57,916 --> 00:02:59,222
Any shout-outs you
want to do real quick?
80
00:02:59,353 --> 00:03:03,487
I just wanna give a
shout-out to Melissa23
81
00:03:03,618 --> 00:03:07,099
and Murray with the frog legs.
82
00:03:07,230 --> 00:03:08,579
This first one's
called "Jumpman."
83
00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:11,626
This is Big Mike's
Hip Hop Countdown.
84
00:03:11,756 --> 00:03:13,410
This is a play where.
85
00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:15,717
We're mother and son, and it's
like a serious play, where I,
86
00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:18,285
like, want to go off
and enlist for the war,
87
00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:20,200
and you're worried
about it or something.
88
00:03:20,330 --> 00:03:27,337
But we are eating Cheetos during
it, and it's not a commercial.
89
00:03:27,468 --> 00:03:31,036
It's an actual play where
the people become so
90
00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:32,473
into the Cheetos, they
don't care about what
91
00:03:32,603 --> 00:03:34,344
they're talking about anymore.
92
00:03:34,475 --> 00:03:35,563
Mama.
93
00:03:35,693 --> 00:03:37,086
I'm going to join the Army.
94
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,306
What?
95
00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:41,786
I need to go and fight.
96
00:03:41,917 --> 00:03:44,572
They'll swallow you up whole.
97
00:03:44,702 --> 00:03:45,747
I don't care, Mama.
98
00:03:45,877 --> 00:03:47,662
It's the only way
I can be a man.
99
00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:52,144
You can be a man at
home, working on the farm.
100
00:03:52,275 --> 00:03:53,189
That's not a man.
101
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,364
Papa's not a man.
Mm.
102
00:03:54,495 --> 00:03:55,278
Oh my god.
103
00:03:55,409 --> 00:03:57,759
Mm.
104
00:03:57,889 --> 00:03:58,803
It's too chancey.
105
00:03:58,934 --> 00:03:59,761
You could get maimed.
106
00:03:59,891 --> 00:04:01,850
You could get killed.
107
00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:04,200
You could get, like--
108
00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:07,725
If you kiss me three times,
and once is how you would want
109
00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:10,598
to kiss me, once is how you
would want to kiss a homeless
110
00:04:10,728 --> 00:04:13,644
man, and once is how you
would kiss Don Rickles,
111
00:04:13,775 --> 00:04:16,430
but not necessarily in that
order, and I'll never--
112
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:19,520
and then never tell me who is
for what, does that make sense?
113
00:04:19,650 --> 00:04:20,912
OK.
114
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:22,262
So I'll try to be a
blank slate for you.
115
00:04:22,392 --> 00:04:24,481
And then, never tell me.
116
00:04:24,612 --> 00:04:25,917
We'll never know which is which.
117
00:04:26,048 --> 00:04:26,831
OK.
118
00:04:26,962 --> 00:04:27,963
OK, here's--
119
00:04:28,093 --> 00:04:29,704
Ma, ma, ma, ma.
120
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:30,574
Ha!
121
00:04:30,705 --> 00:04:31,662
Ha!
122
00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:32,620
Ha!
123
00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:33,577
Here's number one.
124
00:04:39,714 --> 00:04:41,150
OK.
125
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,107
OK, I've got a guess.
126
00:04:42,238 --> 00:04:43,152
Number two?
127
00:04:47,461 --> 00:04:49,027
OK.
128
00:04:49,158 --> 00:04:50,899
And number three.
129
00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:52,248
Umm, hmm.
130
00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:04,129
Don't you pull away!
131
00:05:04,260 --> 00:05:05,522
I'm not.
I'm not.
132
00:05:05,653 --> 00:05:06,523
I'm into it.
133
00:05:09,657 --> 00:05:11,833
Introducing
"Settlers of Brooklyn,"
134
00:05:11,963 --> 00:05:14,314
a new game of settlement
and exploration.
135
00:05:14,444 --> 00:05:16,794
In the early 2000s,
the land of Brooklyn
136
00:05:16,925 --> 00:05:19,101
was virtually uninhabited
by young adults
137
00:05:19,231 --> 00:05:20,363
with wealthy parents.
138
00:05:20,494 --> 00:05:22,322
Your goal is to become
the first player
139
00:05:22,452 --> 00:05:24,280
to create a fully
gentrified colony,
140
00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:25,803
filled with used
record stores, food
141
00:05:25,934 --> 00:05:27,283
trucks, and Urban Outfitters.
142
00:05:27,414 --> 00:05:29,154
In the land of
Brooklyn, there are
143
00:05:29,285 --> 00:05:32,201
five resources available--
coffee, bicycles,
144
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,377
vinyl, skinny jeans, and kale.
145
00:05:34,508 --> 00:05:35,639
All I have is kale.
146
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,337
Resource
cards can be used
147
00:05:37,467 --> 00:05:39,904
to upgrade your loft to a
condo, or build out your brunch,
148
00:05:40,035 --> 00:05:41,471
so you can win
the longest brunch
149
00:05:41,602 --> 00:05:43,560
card, worth 2 victory points.
150
00:05:43,691 --> 00:05:45,693
You can also trade
for development cards,
151
00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:47,564
like a Loan from
Daddy, which gets
152
00:05:47,695 --> 00:05:49,131
you two free resource cards.
153
00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:50,567
Grad school.
154
00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:52,264
One point.
155
00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:54,092
Roll a 7, and you
can move the Realtor piece.
156
00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:56,530
The Realtor is used to
move existing residents out
157
00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:59,097
of a neighborhood to make
room for more colonization.
158
00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:00,708
I hope they open a gym there.
159
00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:02,710
The first player
to 10 victory points
160
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,451
wins and is crowned Lena Dunham.
161
00:06:04,581 --> 00:06:07,149
Get your copy of "Settlers
of Brooklyn" today,
162
00:06:07,279 --> 00:06:09,891
along with brand-new expansion
packs for Harlem and Astoria.
163
00:06:13,895 --> 00:06:17,159
Welcome to "Sport Zone
with a Z," auditions.
164
00:06:17,289 --> 00:06:19,161
We are yet another
sports network
165
00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:20,510
entering into the market.
166
00:06:20,641 --> 00:06:22,512
So just state your
name, where you're from.
167
00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:23,383
We'll see what you can do.
168
00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:25,123
Chet Larson.
169
00:06:25,254 --> 00:06:28,431
Dayton, Ohio, winner of four
consecutive Greg Butler Awards.
170
00:06:28,562 --> 00:06:31,391
Actually, five, if
you count this year.
171
00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:32,827
Just name and
where you're from.
172
00:06:32,957 --> 00:06:34,263
Got it.
173
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:37,266
Uh, the Chet Larson,
darling of Dayton, Ohio.
174
00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:42,140
Brace facing the Yankees.
175
00:06:42,271 --> 00:06:43,794
It's the top of
the fourth inning.
176
00:06:43,925 --> 00:06:45,579
Sabathia facing Jason Heyward--
177
00:06:45,709 --> 00:06:48,495
It's CC Sabathia.
178
00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:49,800
- What did I say?
- I have no idea.
179
00:06:51,019 --> 00:06:53,325
Uh, my name is Thomas Clancy.
180
00:06:53,456 --> 00:06:55,893
Oh, like the author.
181
00:06:56,024 --> 00:06:57,242
What?
182
00:06:57,373 --> 00:06:58,113
Never mind.
183
00:06:58,243 --> 00:06:59,506
Just--
184
00:06:59,636 --> 00:07:01,072
No, I kinda wanna
be on the same level.
185
00:07:01,203 --> 00:07:02,987
I want to make sure I'm on
the same level with you.
186
00:07:03,118 --> 00:07:04,989
I don't-- so who's this author?
187
00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:06,730
No, no, I was talking
about a guy who writes--
188
00:07:06,861 --> 00:07:08,036
I mean, I watch
"Arthur" all the time.
189
00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:09,777
PBS.
My kids love it.
190
00:07:09,907 --> 00:07:11,169
I'm Christina Hastings.
191
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:13,433
The score is 97-66.
192
00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:16,087
And I have to tell you,
these two teams' scrotum--
193
00:07:16,218 --> 00:07:17,045
it's a rivalry.
194
00:07:17,175 --> 00:07:17,959
It's a rival--
195
00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:20,135
Sorry, did you--
196
00:07:20,265 --> 00:07:21,179
did you say--
197
00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:27,142
Never mind, I thought I
heard you say something.
198
00:07:27,272 --> 00:07:28,709
Let's go back from the top.
199
00:07:28,839 --> 00:07:31,015
And they are
inbounding the ball.
200
00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:32,887
They are working
it around the key,
201
00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:35,237
seeing where they can
get it in, and she
202
00:07:35,367 --> 00:07:36,456
labia-passes it into Michael--
203
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,067
Hayward's got 2-1.
204
00:07:39,197 --> 00:07:43,593
It's a full count, and take
me down to the soda pop shop!
205
00:07:46,944 --> 00:07:48,598
That's my strikeout phrase.
206
00:07:50,382 --> 00:07:51,471
It's a three-point game,
and the Knicks have at least
207
00:07:51,601 --> 00:07:54,038
one minute to close the gap.
208
00:07:54,169 --> 00:07:59,043
Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce,
bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce,
209
00:07:59,174 --> 00:08:03,918
bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce,
bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce.
210
00:08:04,048 --> 00:08:06,181
Chandler passes
the ball to Davis.
211
00:08:06,311 --> 00:08:09,010
Bounce, bounce, bounce,
bounce, bounce, bounce.
212
00:08:09,140 --> 00:08:10,707
You know, maybe just a--
213
00:08:10,838 --> 00:08:11,752
you're doing great.
214
00:08:11,882 --> 00:08:13,841
Maybe just a tad less detail.
215
00:08:17,322 --> 00:08:18,323
86-84!
216
00:08:25,113 --> 00:08:25,940
88-86!
217
00:08:27,289 --> 00:08:28,464
You know, it
just dawned on me.
218
00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:30,771
What would be funny
is if Major League
219
00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:34,992
Baseball and the PGA TOUR's
switched balls for just a day.
220
00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:37,604
Just, like, a day of
that would be so funny!
221
00:08:39,475 --> 00:08:41,869
Hi, I'm Bobby
Redmond from New Jersey.
222
00:08:41,999 --> 00:08:43,610
Sorry?
223
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:44,611
It's me Bobby
Redmond, reporting for you from
224
00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:46,134
, in upper Teaneck.
225
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:48,832
Can you just speak a
little louder, enunciate?
226
00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,268
ID sport
network specialist.
227
00:08:50,399 --> 00:08:51,792
I'm not getting any of that.
228
00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:53,054
Upper
Teaneck, New Jersey.
229
00:08:53,184 --> 00:08:54,403
Raised.
230
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:57,319
What if the
swimmers was swimming,
231
00:08:57,449 --> 00:09:01,062
and they're wearing business
suits instead of Speedos?
232
00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:02,585
Is this your audition?
233
00:09:02,716 --> 00:09:05,109
Oh, here comes Ryan
Lochte down lane 4, wearing
234
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,285
a double-breasted houndstooth!
235
00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:08,983
I think that'd be so funny!
236
00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:11,376
Go ahead and zoom out.
237
00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:12,377
And cue music!
238
00:09:12,508 --> 00:09:13,901
Here we go.
239
00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:14,902
No, we're not going
to do that, actually.
240
00:09:15,032 --> 00:09:15,816
No, you got to see this.
241
00:09:15,946 --> 00:09:17,252
It's a dance move.
242
00:09:17,382 --> 00:09:18,514
It's a mixture of the
running man, Macarena.
243
00:09:18,645 --> 00:09:20,168
Call the running man carena.
244
00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:25,086
Coming up to base
one, Jim Steadmeyer.
245
00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:28,089
Jim's been batting
very well all year,
246
00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:31,483
and has no cuts on his hands.
247
00:09:31,614 --> 00:09:33,311
Pretty, I think-- pretty--
248
00:09:33,442 --> 00:09:34,704
for someone--
249
00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:36,053
Maybe baseball is not
working out for you.
250
00:09:36,184 --> 00:09:38,012
Why don't you try
something else?
251
00:09:38,142 --> 00:09:42,059
Well, it would appear as
though football is back.
252
00:09:42,190 --> 00:09:44,148
It's going to be on
television again,
253
00:09:44,279 --> 00:09:46,977
and we're really looking
forward to all the kicking,
254
00:09:47,108 --> 00:09:49,023
and the lions on the grass!
255
00:09:52,026 --> 00:09:52,853
90!
256
00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:02,645
The running-man-carena!
257
00:10:02,776 --> 00:10:04,516
What I was telling you about--
258
00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:07,781
grand slams, hat
tricks, extra points.
259
00:10:07,911 --> 00:10:08,651
All right.
260
00:10:08,782 --> 00:10:10,261
Made up my mind.
261
00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:13,395
Chet, you get the job,
because you're the least bad,
262
00:10:13,525 --> 00:10:14,614
and I quit.
263
00:10:19,096 --> 00:10:20,184
Try this.
264
00:10:20,315 --> 00:10:21,446
Head, chest, ditto.
265
00:10:27,322 --> 00:10:28,497
Brandy?
266
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:29,672
What's wrong?
267
00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:31,021
Yeah, is everything OK?
268
00:10:31,152 --> 00:10:32,196
Your job in marketing?
269
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:33,371
It's Jake.
270
00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:34,285
Everything's messed up.
271
00:10:34,416 --> 00:10:35,199
Oh my god.
272
00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:36,200
Did he cheat on you?
273
00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:37,506
No.
274
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:38,986
He's short.
275
00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:40,727
Oh, what the !
276
00:10:40,857 --> 00:10:42,163
That scumbag!
277
00:10:42,293 --> 00:10:44,208
Being short is the most
vile thing a man can do.
278
00:10:44,339 --> 00:10:45,166
What happened?
279
00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:47,255
It's so obvious now.
280
00:10:47,385 --> 00:10:49,866
You know how he was always
pulling his car seat up
281
00:10:49,997 --> 00:10:52,086
to drive and hemming his pants?
282
00:10:52,216 --> 00:10:54,828
I signed onto his
Trunk Club profile.
283
00:10:54,958 --> 00:10:56,394
It was right there.
284
00:10:56,525 --> 00:10:57,482
5'8".
285
00:10:57,613 --> 00:10:58,701
Wow.
286
00:10:58,832 --> 00:11:00,747
It's like he wanted
you to find out.
287
00:11:00,877 --> 00:11:01,922
What are you
going to do, honey?
288
00:11:02,052 --> 00:11:02,792
I don't know.
289
00:11:02,923 --> 00:11:04,141
He's my perfect match.
290
00:11:04,272 --> 00:11:06,143
He's smart, he's kind,
he's interesting,
291
00:11:06,274 --> 00:11:07,971
the sex is incredible.
292
00:11:08,102 --> 00:11:10,321
OK, you're not actually
thinking about staying
293
00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:11,279
with him, are you?
294
00:11:11,409 --> 00:11:12,280
Trust me, girl.
295
00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:13,803
He is not going to change.
296
00:11:13,934 --> 00:11:15,370
It's like my
mother always says.
297
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:17,111
Once a short man,
always a short man.
298
00:11:17,241 --> 00:11:18,982
You're robbing
yourself of the gift
299
00:11:19,113 --> 00:11:20,854
of feeling tiny in his arms!
300
00:11:20,984 --> 00:11:24,335
Oh, feeling tiny is what
being a woman is all about!
301
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:26,163
OK, I know!
302
00:11:26,294 --> 00:11:28,209
Men are supposed to be big, and
women are supposed to be small,
303
00:11:28,339 --> 00:11:30,602
and that's how sex works.
304
00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:31,603
Ugh.
305
00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:32,735
Jesus.
306
00:11:32,866 --> 00:11:34,911
Look at this.
307
00:11:35,042 --> 00:11:35,782
I'm going to say something.
308
00:11:35,912 --> 00:11:36,696
I don't care.
309
00:11:36,826 --> 00:11:37,827
Excuse me?
310
00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:39,481
Yeah, how tall are you?
311
00:11:39,611 --> 00:11:41,091
I'm sorry, do we know you?
312
00:11:41,222 --> 00:11:42,049
I know him.
313
00:11:42,179 --> 00:11:43,441
Let me guess.
314
00:11:43,572 --> 00:11:45,182
He can't put his chin
on top of your head.
315
00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:48,403
Yeah, no, he can't put his--
316
00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:50,884
wait, Devon, are you short?
317
00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:52,146
I guess, technically.
318
00:11:52,276 --> 00:11:53,713
Can you fit in her pants?
319
00:11:53,843 --> 00:11:55,671
What is this?
320
00:11:55,802 --> 00:11:56,716
No, Devon.
321
00:11:56,846 --> 00:11:58,413
Answer the question!
322
00:11:58,543 --> 00:11:59,457
Probably.
323
00:12:01,111 --> 00:12:04,071
Where is he going to be
in three months, when you
324
00:12:04,201 --> 00:12:05,725
are wearing heels to the party?
325
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:07,683
I'll tell you where
he's going to be.
326
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:08,815
Right here.
327
00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:10,207
You OK?
328
00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:13,036
Don't you touch me
with those small hands!
329
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:14,864
Ugh, I hate men!
330
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:17,171
Britney, I wish I were
a lesbian like you.
331
00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:18,912
With women, it doesn't
matter who's short.
332
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:21,131
Yeah, I guess my
feeling feminine
333
00:12:21,262 --> 00:12:26,049
just doesn't depend on the size
of the person that I'm ...
334
00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:29,139
I'm so drunk!
335
00:12:31,185 --> 00:12:34,231
Who's that?
336
00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:35,798
Oh, that's my new man, Darf.
337
00:12:35,929 --> 00:12:37,669
He is so big.
338
00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,367
He's so slovenly.
339
00:12:39,497 --> 00:12:42,718
Yeah, and he is,
for sure, unemployed.
340
00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:43,632
Ugh!
341
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,329
That's a real man.
342
00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:49,159
And ladies, Darf doesn't
like a single thing about me.
343
00:12:49,290 --> 00:12:50,073
Oh!
344
00:12:52,554 --> 00:12:53,990
Darf!
345
00:12:57,820 --> 00:12:59,953
I wish I had a
man like he was.
346
00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:02,042
Electrician Joe.
347
00:13:14,141 --> 00:13:15,490
Hi.
348
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:18,058
I need a signature on
this power of attorney.
349
00:13:18,188 --> 00:13:19,668
I'm actually a notary
myself, but I don't like
350
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,018
to notarize my own documents.
351
00:13:22,149 --> 00:13:25,021
I'm usually too busy
with my volunteer work.
352
00:13:25,152 --> 00:13:27,807
Sure would be nice to have
a girlfriend who's a notary.
353
00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:28,808
I'm Brice Lewis.
354
00:13:44,432 --> 00:13:48,262
My two favorite
things are affidavits
355
00:13:48,392 --> 00:13:50,742
and fresh mozzarella.
356
00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:55,660
Well, good thing I
brought at least one.
357
00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:01,231
I always know a
duplicate document.
358
00:14:01,362 --> 00:14:03,625
I can smell it a mile away.
359
00:14:03,755 --> 00:14:05,540
The only thing that
should have duplicates
360
00:14:05,670 --> 00:14:08,282
is a woman's breast.
361
00:14:08,412 --> 00:14:09,849
How are you single?
362
00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:12,199
My penis is stuck
in my butthole.
363
00:14:12,329 --> 00:14:16,638
It's just so much
responsibility to bear witness.
364
00:14:16,768 --> 00:14:18,945
You know what I want
to bear witness to?
365
00:14:19,075 --> 00:14:20,033
My duplicates?
366
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:30,957
What is this trash?
367
00:14:31,087 --> 00:14:33,611
Get out of my date,
and out of my life!
368
00:14:33,742 --> 00:14:35,483
That hurts my feelings!
369
00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:36,701
You!
370
00:14:36,832 --> 00:14:38,355
What are you doing
getting a call
371
00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:40,575
from that down-diggity dog?
372
00:14:40,705 --> 00:14:43,143
Erin Oatmeal is my lover
and living girlfriend
373
00:14:43,273 --> 00:14:44,492
and watches my children.
374
00:14:44,622 --> 00:14:46,624
The only reason I came
here was for this!
375
00:14:46,755 --> 00:14:49,323
Good luck notarizing without it!
376
00:14:49,453 --> 00:14:51,194
Oh, bastard!
377
00:14:51,325 --> 00:14:53,370
You throw-in!
378
00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:54,502
Villain!
379
00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:55,590
Inane!
380
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:56,634
Douche!
381
00:15:01,248 --> 00:15:02,162
Hello.
382
00:15:02,292 --> 00:15:04,338
I'm Ashlaheigh Braun-Samuels.
383
00:15:04,468 --> 00:15:06,079
I play Gina Fra Diavolo.
384
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:09,386
And I'm Kulie Bishop, and
I play Teresa Fra Diavolo.
385
00:15:09,517 --> 00:15:11,519
So it's been kind of
a trying week for us,
386
00:15:11,649 --> 00:15:14,696
because Kulie has been
sleeping on my couch.
387
00:15:14,826 --> 00:15:18,047
Yeah, I foreskinned--
388
00:15:18,178 --> 00:15:19,701
Foreclosed.
389
00:15:19,831 --> 00:15:22,312
Foreclosed on her condo.
390
00:15:22,443 --> 00:15:26,055
Now, I didn't have a
raccoon problem before then,
391
00:15:26,186 --> 00:15:27,143
and I do now.
392
00:15:27,274 --> 00:15:28,144
So--
393
00:15:28,275 --> 00:15:29,363
I just realized.
394
00:15:29,493 --> 00:15:31,452
I'm late for my job.
395
00:15:31,582 --> 00:15:32,888
This is your job.
396
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:34,063
No, I told you.
397
00:15:34,194 --> 00:15:35,456
I'm also a fish monger.
398
00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:42,767
Thank you so much for watching
this special behind-the-scenes
399
00:15:42,898 --> 00:15:45,031
look at "Notary Publix."
400
00:15:54,083 --> 00:15:56,825
Welcome to our
"Above Average" music video.
401
00:16:01,482 --> 00:16:03,049
Hey, baby.
402
00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:05,399
I got to get something
off my chest.
403
00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:10,143
But I don't have a lot of time,
so I'm going to text it to you.
404
00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:12,928
It's about time
I tell you how I feel.
405
00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:15,887
You make me slime every
time I see you still.
406
00:16:16,018 --> 00:16:16,976
You are the beast.
407
00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:18,455
You are my lady.
408
00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:21,067
Girl, I really want
you to hate my baby.
409
00:16:21,197 --> 00:16:23,634
Remember the gay when I bet you?
410
00:16:23,765 --> 00:16:27,769
I knew at that monument
I would never let you go.
411
00:16:27,899 --> 00:16:30,380
Let's always be
clothes together.
412
00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:32,165
Don't go too fat, Heather.
413
00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:34,515
Baby girl, I want
to kill your lips.
414
00:16:34,645 --> 00:16:37,605
We can hurl up on
the blow-up mistress.
415
00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:39,041
Oh, and guess who's black?
416
00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:40,434
Who?
417
00:16:40,564 --> 00:16:42,262
Your ex, Neil, and he
butternut text you.
418
00:16:42,392 --> 00:16:44,655
Baby, I love you.
419
00:16:44,786 --> 00:16:47,093
You know that I do.
420
00:16:47,223 --> 00:16:49,791
Wanna make live to ya.
421
00:16:49,921 --> 00:16:52,141
Girl, you know that it's true.
422
00:16:52,272 --> 00:16:56,624
Torch you all over,
dim the lights until we
423
00:16:56,754 --> 00:16:59,714
are though, because I lobe you.
424
00:17:02,543 --> 00:17:04,197
I wanna hate six with you.
425
00:17:04,327 --> 00:17:06,634
I comb back to see
the grill I adore.
426
00:17:06,764 --> 00:17:09,463
You don't answer
my balls anymore.
427
00:17:09,593 --> 00:17:10,768
I heard you're searing Doug now.
428
00:17:10,899 --> 00:17:12,118
I don't understand.
429
00:17:12,248 --> 00:17:14,685
Just last weed I saw
him hissing on Kate.
430
00:17:14,816 --> 00:17:15,904
He's going to break your harp.
431
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,384
He's a total disgrace.
432
00:17:17,514 --> 00:17:19,777
And of he does it, I will
pinch him in the face.
433
00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:20,909
I'm the one for you.
434
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,345
Why can't you pee?
435
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:24,043
You get one chance
at lice, baby.
436
00:17:24,173 --> 00:17:24,913
Rake it on me.
437
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,784
Baby, I lobe you.
438
00:17:26,915 --> 00:17:29,570
You know that I do.
439
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:34,836
Wanna make live to ya, girl,
you know that it's true.
440
00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:40,189
Torch you all over, dim the
lights until we are though.
441
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:43,540
Because I lobe you.
442
00:17:43,671 --> 00:17:46,630
I want to hate six with you.
443
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:48,850
Yes, I would die for you.
444
00:17:48,980 --> 00:17:49,981
He'll no.
445
00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:51,505
He's gonna lie to you.
446
00:17:51,635 --> 00:17:53,985
Shut the he'll up
before you get hurt.
447
00:17:54,116 --> 00:17:58,251
You're a fluffing
piece of shirt!
448
00:17:58,381 --> 00:18:04,257
L-Y-K-Y-T-T-B-I-I, colon,
H-I-I-C-I-D-D-B-E-C-I.
449
00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:05,345
What's that?
450
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:06,824
A butt text, my bad.
451
00:18:06,955 --> 00:18:10,480
Baby, I lobe you.
452
00:18:10,611 --> 00:18:12,221
You know that I do.
453
00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:15,137
Wanna make live to ya.
454
00:18:15,268 --> 00:18:17,487
Girl, you know that it's true.
455
00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:21,926
Torch you all over,
dim the lights until we
456
00:18:22,057 --> 00:18:25,060
are though, because I lobe you.
457
00:18:27,758 --> 00:18:29,499
And I want to hate six with you.
458
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:41,294
Oh, hey.
459
00:18:41,424 --> 00:18:42,425
Matt Walsh.
460
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:43,513
I heard you were in the office.
461
00:18:43,644 --> 00:18:44,993
I figured I'd come say hello.
462
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,603
Matt.
Nice to meet you.
463
00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:48,127
- Rob King, your biggest fan.
- Rob what?
464
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:49,302
Rob King.
465
00:18:49,432 --> 00:18:50,477
Nice to meet you,
my biggest fan.
466
00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:51,782
Wow, I don't have
a lot of those.
467
00:18:51,913 --> 00:18:53,044
Thank you.
468
00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:54,350
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
469
00:18:54,481 --> 00:18:55,438
Yeah.
470
00:18:55,569 --> 00:18:56,352
I have here--
471
00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:58,006
Oh, several.
472
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,529
How come-- how come no one
respects Mike McClintock?
473
00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:01,966
Yeah, he has
a dark cloud following him.
474
00:19:02,097 --> 00:19:03,142
Yeah.
475
00:19:03,272 --> 00:19:04,839
I think Mike
might be too nice.
476
00:19:04,969 --> 00:19:06,493
He probably doesn't stand
up for himself enough.
477
00:19:06,623 --> 00:19:07,494
Yeah.
478
00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:08,930
You can relate probably.
479
00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:10,410
You seem like a nice person.
480
00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:11,672
Oh, man, yeah, I guess so.
481
00:19:11,802 --> 00:19:12,934
- You work here?
- Yeah.
482
00:19:13,064 --> 00:19:13,935
Yeah.
Yeah.
483
00:19:14,065 --> 00:19:14,979
Yeah.
- What do you do?
484
00:19:15,110 --> 00:19:16,285
Uh, well, I'm an intern now.
485
00:19:16,416 --> 00:19:17,330
OK.
486
00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:19,462
Yeah, but it's been a while.
487
00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:20,855
You've been an
intern for a while?
488
00:19:20,985 --> 00:19:22,378
Yeah, a few years now.
489
00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:23,901
Oh, that's not common.
490
00:19:24,032 --> 00:19:24,815
How--
491
00:19:24,946 --> 00:19:25,990
You can relax, too.
492
00:19:26,121 --> 00:19:27,427
- No, I'm feeling great.
- OK.
493
00:19:27,557 --> 00:19:28,906
Yeah.
494
00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:30,343
When Mike smashed all
the stuff in the barn
495
00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:32,997
and said all that stuff
about what he wanted,
496
00:19:33,128 --> 00:19:34,651
I've never been more
proud of you in my life.
497
00:19:34,782 --> 00:19:37,828
He got to vent
a lot, yeah, when he said,
498
00:19:37,959 --> 00:19:41,397
pay me, bitch, why's soup so
expensive, and why do I eat
499
00:19:41,528 --> 00:19:43,138
when I'm full, I'm a grown man.
500
00:19:43,269 --> 00:19:45,227
That was a lot of stuff
building up in Mike.
501
00:19:45,358 --> 00:19:46,968
And it was great for Mike.
502
00:19:47,098 --> 00:19:49,318
And as an actor, it's really
fun to just get to smash things.
503
00:19:49,449 --> 00:19:50,232
It does feel--
504
00:19:50,363 --> 00:19:51,102
Cathartic.
505
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:52,626
Cathartic.
506
00:19:52,756 --> 00:19:54,932
When you and Amy and Ian
and Besser started UCB,
507
00:19:55,063 --> 00:19:58,458
was your goal to be kingmakers,
or was that a happy accident?
508
00:19:58,588 --> 00:19:59,633
Happy accident.
509
00:19:59,763 --> 00:20:01,112
We just wanted to
open a clubhouse
510
00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:02,723
for our friends to do shows.
- That's cool.
511
00:20:02,853 --> 00:20:03,811
What's it like?
512
00:20:03,941 --> 00:20:04,942
To--
513
00:20:05,073 --> 00:20:06,857
Have a group of friends.
514
00:20:06,988 --> 00:20:08,076
Oh, gosh.
515
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,557
Uh, I'm assuming
you probably have
516
00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:11,471
more friends than you think.
517
00:20:11,601 --> 00:20:13,124
Yeah.
518
00:20:13,255 --> 00:20:14,430
I mean, I consider everyone
my friend until they kind
519
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:16,215
of, like, draw a clear line.
520
00:20:16,345 --> 00:20:20,001
Well, if you want a
friend, be a friend.
521
00:20:20,131 --> 00:20:22,917
That's my advice.
522
00:20:23,047 --> 00:20:24,223
Wow, you've got a lot
of questions, huh?
523
00:20:24,353 --> 00:20:25,093
Yeah.
524
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,137
Could I get a chair?
525
00:20:26,268 --> 00:20:27,051
Yeah.
526
00:20:27,182 --> 00:20:28,096
I'll get you a--
527
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,097
I'll-- just, don't go anywhere.
528
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:29,967
I won't.
529
00:20:30,098 --> 00:20:32,013
OK.
530
00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:33,101
Hey, I got you.
531
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:33,971
Thank you.
532
00:20:34,102 --> 00:20:35,495
It's fine.
533
00:20:35,625 --> 00:20:37,192
No, if it's going to be
a while, I prefer to sit.
534
00:20:37,323 --> 00:20:38,802
Oh, that's-- stay
as long as you like.
535
00:20:38,933 --> 00:20:40,239
- Great.
- Yeah.
536
00:20:40,369 --> 00:20:41,631
Can you use improv
to make friends?
537
00:20:41,762 --> 00:20:43,416
I think so.
538
00:20:43,546 --> 00:20:45,635
I think your willingness to
be playful and listen and find
539
00:20:45,766 --> 00:20:47,289
what they're telling
you interesting
540
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:48,856
is a great way to
build a friendship.
541
00:20:48,986 --> 00:20:51,815
Can you use it
to get your boss
542
00:20:51,946 --> 00:20:54,340
to finally hire you so you're
not an intern for three years?
543
00:20:54,470 --> 00:20:55,602
Yeah.
544
00:20:55,732 --> 00:20:57,125
So I just go in
and-- or, I ask him--
545
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,258
I ask him for a suggestion.
546
00:20:59,388 --> 00:21:03,349
And then, I'm like, oh,
I heard, hire me, idiot.
547
00:21:03,479 --> 00:21:04,306
No, or--
548
00:21:04,437 --> 00:21:05,873
Well, we could do better.
549
00:21:06,003 --> 00:21:07,875
We could improvise together
in front of your boss.
550
00:21:08,005 --> 00:21:09,398
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
551
00:21:09,529 --> 00:21:11,139
You'd do a scene with me
to my boss, so he sees--
552
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:12,053
We won't call it a scene.
553
00:21:12,183 --> 00:21:13,315
We'll call it reality.
554
00:21:13,446 --> 00:21:14,664
- Call it The Rob and Matt Show?
- Yeah.
555
00:21:14,795 --> 00:21:16,013
I'll help you right now.
556
00:21:16,144 --> 00:21:17,276
Oh my god, I'm going
to be so violent.
557
00:21:22,193 --> 00:21:24,935
Do you ever smash stuff in real
life and just yell about soup?
558
00:21:25,066 --> 00:21:25,806
- No.
- Yeah, me neither.
559
00:21:25,936 --> 00:21:26,763
No.
560
00:21:26,894 --> 00:21:27,808
I don't do that.
561
00:21:27,938 --> 00:21:29,375
I was thinking of canned soup.
562
00:21:29,505 --> 00:21:30,680
I guess in a restaurant,
it might be more expensive.
563
00:21:30,811 --> 00:21:31,942
But there's this thing
in a canned soup.
564
00:21:32,073 --> 00:21:33,683
I was like, yeah,
it's about right.
565
00:21:33,814 --> 00:21:34,858
Then I feel like you're paying
for the experience as well.
566
00:21:34,989 --> 00:21:35,685
- Yes.
- Yeah.
567
00:21:35,816 --> 00:21:37,034
The atmosphere.
568
00:21:37,165 --> 00:21:38,732
I didn't plan to
talk to you about soup.
569
00:21:38,862 --> 00:21:39,689
Is this OK?
- Yeah.
570
00:21:39,820 --> 00:21:40,951
Great.
Yeah.
571
00:21:41,082 --> 00:21:42,126
Let's just--
- We can go anywhere.
572
00:21:42,257 --> 00:21:43,824
Great.
38895
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