All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S01E09.Heels.Wouldve.Been.Better.With.Those.Pants.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Nice.

Home free.

Hey.

Hi.

So I'll call you.

Great.

OK.

Wait.

Stop.

Stop it right there.

Nice try, but you think you're
pretty slick, don't you?

What are you talking about?

Do you think I'm a dumb idiot?

What about these two words?

Pearl necklace.

I told you last night, no.

No, not that.

I'm talking about this.

What about it?

Look, this isn't my
first rodeo, babe, OK?

I know exactly what's
going to happen.

You're going to leave, and
then you're going to call me,

and you're going to
say, oh, whoops.

I totally forgot my
necklace at your place.

Let me come by and get it.

Is that supposed
to be my voice?

And also, I'm going
to bring a movie over,

and we're going to
snuggle on a weekend

when all the fun
things are happening.

Do you think I'm deaf?

And it'll be a movie
that you've already seen,

but I don't care.

We can eat Thai food.
I'm sorry, girl.

I can't spend my days eating
vegetarian pad kee mau

and watching you cry at
"The Bourne Supremacy," OK?

It's not even a sad movie.

It's an action movie.

Matthew Damon.

That's not mine.

And if you think that--

I'm sorry.

What'd you say?

That's not my necklace.

Yeah, it is.

For when you leave
it here and then

you come back and try and
have sex with me again.

No, it's not.

And no, I'm not going to.

That's probably some
other girl's necklace

who made the mistake
of hooking up with you

and thought it would be OK to
lose a piece of jewelry just

to make sure she doesn't
ever see you again.

OK.

Fine.

This is your bracelet, isn't it?

Right?

No.

Scrunchie?

Is this yours?

Gross.

What, you have sex
with a camp counselor?

You are terrible.
Hold on.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait

because I know what happened.

This is funny.

When I said oh, this
is your necklace,

I meant, I was like, aw,
this is your necklace,

because the gift--

I went out and got you a
gift, a good morning gift.

A good morning present?

Happy good morning.

OK, yeah, I don't
think those exist.

Well, it doesn't matter
because the point is

that this is definitely not
some other girl's, and it's

yours for keeps.

Oh, you got me a gift between
last night and this morning?

OK.
- Yeah.

Well, I got it when
you were taking a dump.

I was going number one.

Well, it doesn't
matter because I thought,

this girl is bannay
cray beautiful,

and I just wanted to give
you something that reminded

us of our deep connection.

I'm sorry.

You were just trying to make
sure you never saw me again.

Well, that was before
I knew you didn't

want to sleep with me again.

Come here.

Ugh, my god.

So glad I just gave
you a hand job.

Why did we use
the condom then?

Because you have a weird dick.

Home free.

She's Katie, a lady.

A lady named Katie.

Hey, so what do you
want to talk about?

Katy, you are amazing.

You're great.

You are such a cool person.

An amazing person.

But here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Your nail polish,
it's chipped.

I like your shoes, but I
feel like heels would have

been better with those pants.

The restaurant that
you picked for our date

feels more like a
friend hangout spot.

A tiny little bit of spit
came out of your mouth.

One of our
conversational pauses

was four seconds too long.

You passed gas.

I'm sorry.

But you tucked your
hair behind your ear,

and I prefer untucked hair.

Your teeth weren't
white enough.

Your childhood seemed boring.

When you got off
that bar stool,

you look a bit uncoordinated.

Just, like, a tiny
gross bit of spit

did come out of your mouth.

You got up to go
to the bathroom.

You chew your food weird.

Your laugh felt sarcastic.

You listen too well.

I wasn't sitting up
as straight as you,

and that bothered me.

It was raining outside.

You ordered steak.

Who drinks red wine?

And then when the saliva
did leave your mouth

and land on this table
that we're eating from,

didn't even address it.

And you didn't even make a
joke to make light of it.

- So it's over.
- It's over.

It's over.

It's over.

And hey, next
time, maybe worry

about every single little
thing you do a little bit more.

Da, da, da,
seven minutes in heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this 7 Minutes in
Heaven with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today
with Andy Samberg.

- Woo!
- What's up, Andy?

We're here, and we're homies.

Yep.

I know this guy, so
pretty cocky about this.

Everything's
going to work out.

Oh, man.

Watch your back, everybody.

Here we go.

Uh, I forgot my first question.

So Andy, are these new glasses?

They are.
Yeah.

I just got them.

Do you like them?

Eh.

OK.

I'm going to ask
you some adjectives.

Please say yes or no
if they apply to you.

Cool.

Smart?

Yes.

Um, a clown?

No.

Um, a hypochondriac?

Who told you to ask that one?

These are all from Lauren.

Constantly terrified that
a dildo is going to be

slowly lower onto your head.

No.

Andy, were you ever
bullied when you were

in grade school or anything?

Ever get in fights?

Oh, um, actually,
yeah, a little bit.

I mean, both my parents
are really short,

so I was like a very small kid.

Yeah.

And you know, I was a
little bit rambunctious.

So I guess sometimes
I'd piss people off

and they'd chase after me.

What's that?

Um, go on.

You're fine.

What is that?

It's a thing in the closet.

So you asked me about
if I was bullied or not?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So sometimes you would
get, um, get picked

on when you were little, or?

Oh, yeah, I did.

Please-- please tell me
that's not what I think it is.

No, no, no.

Let me get it out of here.

Sorry.

It's tangled up a little bit.

Just a second.

Damn it.

Sorry, one second.

Right.

Damn it.

Damn it.

I'll get it.

Yeah.

Almost got it.

It's tangled up here,
is what the problem.

At your leisure.

OK.

Is that good?

It's pretty close.

We work--

As air traffic
control tower guys.

Right.

And when we're, like,
discussing which plane is

going to go to what
runway, we're normal,

like, we're talking now.

OK.

And then when
we're just at rest,

just kind of
watching the screens,

we have real dumb guy faces.

OK.

Hey, Carolyn?

Can you move Delta to
the Southwest airway?

Yeah, I know it's tight.

Well, we run a tight ship
and a tight schedule.

All right, I'll
see you at drinks.

OK, bye.

You guys are going for drinks?

Well, you're invited.

OK.

Skip, talk to me.

Yeah, no, O'Brien's right here.

Hey, thanks.
Hey, Skip.

Yeah,
where our drinks?

They are?

OK.

All right, I won't tell.

Skip, my man--

Well, thank you so
much for coming in.

Thanks for having me.

I really enjoyed working
with you on the show.

Same.

It's fun.

I love the shorts
and everything.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, we work hard on them.

Oh, wait.

I, uh, I don't--

I don't do kisses.

Oh, OK.

Are you comfortable--

Yep.

With that?

All right.

Wait.

Ew!

What?

Mike!

Oh, yeah.

OK.

OK.

There we go.

This is very important.

We're doing important work.

We're doing God's work.
- The couple is walking.

Is that them right there?

Yeah.

Oh, he's Black?

Oh, .

No, he can't move out, dog.

What's going
on with you two guys?

I understand there's some
interesting dynamics.

Go ahead.

Tell him what the problem is.
- What?

What's the problem?

Yeah, what's our problem?

We have no problems.

My cohorts in the other
van say you're lying.

Like .

Yes, I love them.

So we've been living
together since September.

It's been going well.

It's been going, like--

we've-- I
was nervous at first.

Why you stammering?
You're stammering.

Doing a lot of stammering.
- He's so nervous.

So you're living
together since September, and?

I went to Pennsylvania to
do this show, "Richard III,"

and it was just really
hard to not be together.

But I think--

So what's the problem?

It's time to renew the lease,
and we had an argument recently

that kind of, I don't
even know how it began,

but it kind of culminated
in like, I don't think we

should live together anymore.

Which I can laugh
about it now, but it

wasn't funny at the time.
Seriously.

Is this something
you want to tell her?

Is there something-- look,
are you tired of being mommy

and daddy right now?

You're settling down too soon?

Yeah, OK.

That's pretty good, Alec.

That's pretty good?

That's very good.

I could get anybody
off the street,

they could have
figured that out.

He's tired of being
mommy and daddy.

He's tired of playing
mommy and daddy.

Like they're
settling down too soon.

It's hard to--

it's hard to tell yourself that.
- He won't say that to me.

How old are you?
You want freedom?

Mm.

Yes.

He wants freedom.

But, but, but not
freedom from her.

OK, let's stop.

Let's go.

We have an answer for you.

We have the man
that's right for her.

Oh, my god.

I'm so scared.
Get him.

Here he comes.

Speaking of-- speaking
of "King Lear."

Hey, what the hell is up?

Oh, my god.

What it is?

Yeah.

Yo, man, you're
impersonations are killer.

Oh, thank you so much.

Don't that.

I'm here to be a love--

I'm here to be a love doctor.

- Advisor.
- Yeah.

I'm here to be a
love advisor here.

OK, so yo, you're 23, you're 24.

First of all, y'all
are both young as ish.

Second of all, how long
you been living together?

Since September?
- Yeah.

Man, he
ain't even had a chance--

you ain't even had a chance
to, like, be in your own space

as a man.

You need to live nine months
by yourself, at least.

Have you done that yet?

No.

You have not.

That's the problem.

Let's
play a little game.

Ready?

I have an egg timer here.

The egg timer
doesn't really work.

It go like that, that
means it's times up.

Ready?
- OK.

OK.

Things that drive
you crazy about him.

He's late to things.

He's really bad at
scheduling things.

He's sometimes--
he's disorganized.

Oh, there's something I
don't really want to say.

His weed smoking.

Oh!

Yeah.

Yeah, you said that loud.

Wow.

Good timing, though.
Right?

Weed smoking?

I hope you get this question.

It's about time.

OK.

Things you would do if
you were single right now.

I'd go out more
on the weekends.

I would try to not
actually meet women.

I would try to, like,
find time for myself.

I would drink a lot more,
and smoke a lot more.

Wow.

Amazing.

Man, it's amazing.

Four for her--

four for her, three for you.

You have a lot of fears.

But at the end of day, if
tomorrow you had to breakup

or getting married,
what would you do?

Breakup or get married?
Yeah.

I'd get married.

This is-- oh.

Oh.

There you go.

- Are you telling the truth?
- No, no.

Listen.

There are a lot of trepidations.

There is a lot of worry.

But when it comes
down to it, there's

only been one person
in my entire life

that I can see myself
having kids with.

Is that you?
Because--

Is it her?

No.

What do you want?

Oh, well, I mean
baseline, I would like to--

Marry to break up?

Married.

So both of you care, but you
don't want to stay together.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

I think the positive
is that you both have

to be honest with each other.

And if you don't want the same
thing right now, that's fine.

You're so young.

The women I dated
when I was your age,

I don't even
remember their names.

The woman Jay dated
last night, he doesn't--

He doesn't remember.
- Nah, man.

Each night, it's a different--

kind of--

Welcome, everyone,
to the first rehearsal

for "Oedipus Rex."

Hilary, why are
we in your room?

Well, this is a very
avant garde production.

And the Philistines in
the theater department

wouldn't give us
rehearsal space.

So.

Did you maybe call them
that when you asked for it?

No.

I just congratulated them
on their 1,000th production

of "The Importance of
Being Earnest" and I

think the rest was implied.

Why do these
scripts say Doris Rex?

Mmm, good question.

This is a modern retelling
of "Oedipus Rex," where

the protagonist is Doris, a
strong Greek woman who points

out the flaws in the
current monarchy,

and then rises to prominence
using solid political sense

and becomes king.

You mean queen.

King.

Let's take a look at costumes.

I made this out of a sheet.

I thought it'd be
good for a costume.

Perfect.

One
small recommendation.

I would like it for our costumes
to evoke sensible slacks.

You want us to wear slacks?

Well, I want the
togas to evoke slacks.

By being?

Slacks.

Give you that.

Do we have a prop lantern?

Yes.

I did some research.

Wow, I love what
you did here, Molly.

Really good work.

I would like it to be different,
I think, in almost every way,

but it's so hard for me to
articulate exactly how to you.

So I think I'll probably
just do it myself.

Um, uh, but great work.

Thank you?

I'm going to
start taking notes.

What was wrong with my paper?

There's no lines.

It's chaotic.

You're not being
a good leader.

I'm the best leader.

No, of course.

But it would be nice if you
took other people's ideas.

Fine.

A good leader
embraces criticism,

so let's proceed
with the rehearsal

and I will give notes after.

Attend the tale--

Not like that!

Hillary, you are
being a tyrant.

I am not a tyrant!

You're fired!

I respect you!

I'm just better at
everything than you are!

Would you rather work
on this by yourself?

That's my dream collaboration.

I actually wouldn't mind that.

Yeah, my
bookbinding class

is really stressing me out.

Yeah.

And I've been dealing
with a cappella drama.

And frankly, it's been sapping
my emotional resources.

Yeah, And my erotic
photography project--

I guess I have a
lot going on too.

Hillary, why don't you let
us know if you need anything?

Here ye, and attend the tale
of the masculine, yet still

attractive, Doris of Thebes.

Yeah.

Seriously,
what the F is going

on with this stupid election?

Like, every other post on
my Facebook is about it.

I know.

And it's like, who cares
about the president?

- No one!
- Oh my god.

Oh my god.
Bobby Moynihan.

He's so hot.
He's coming over here.

I just want to, like,
lick him or something.

What?

Hey, Blake.
Hey, Kenzie.

You guys mind if I sit here?

No.

Sit-- sit down, Bobby Moynihan.
- OK.

How are you?
- Hi, good.

Good.

We were actually just
talking about the election.

You know, we're, like, super
politically smart like that.

Oh yeah?
Mm-hmm.

Who do you guys
think is going to win?

Well, it's definitely not
going to be that super old guy.

Oh, Ron Paul?
Yeah.

Yeah.

You guys just
think his policies

aren't mainstream enough, or?

No, it's just that
he's just too old.

Yeah.

It's like, who wants a wrinkly
old troll doll to be president?

Oh, I would.

Yeah, well, like, people
from other countries

are going to come, and they're
going to like shake his hand,

and then it's, like, ew.

Yeah, you can see his
veins under his skin.

Ew.
That is weird.

Crazy.
Mm-hmm.

It's translucent
like a bat's wing.

Yeah, totally.
Bats.

Yeah.

OK.

Plus, every guy named Ron
is a total skeet bucket.

Um, example?

Ron Bauer.

Ugh, Ron Bauer's
such a perv-asaur.

Disgusting.

No, like, he literally
smells like lube, you guys.

What does lube smell like?

Oh my god, did you know
I heard that during lunch he'll

go out to his car and literally
jack it into his glove box?

Mmm.

Put his jacket
in his glove box?

I mean, do they get wrinkled?

Totally.
OK.

So no Ron Paul.

Do you think Obama will
win the re-election?

Ugh, re-election.

You're just-- oh my
god, you're so smart.

It's just a term
used by most people.

No, you're
just so intelligent.

OK.

But no, he's not going to win.

I disagree wholeheartedly.

No.

He killed bin Laden.

Excellent point.

You know, he may
have done it himself.

He passed the
health care reform.

He's sang that Al Green song.
Yeah, but he's boring.

It's like, if he wants
our attention, like,

he's got to have some
sort of, like, swagger.

Totally.

Like, make it interesting.
Like.

Yeah.

Like he should really take
swagger lessons from you,

Bobby Moynihan.

I don't think he
would benefit from that.

No, yeah.

Because I don't think
I have much swagger.

But see, that's the thing.

You just, like, you
have natural swagger.

Well, thank you.

Mm-hmm.

So you guys just thinking
Mitt Romney is going to win, or?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yes, yes.

Of course.
- Definitely.

Just because of his policies?

No, no.

It's because he's loaded.

I mean, like, look at
Tyler P. Tyler P's the class

president, but only
because his dad spent,

like, a million dollars
putting posters up everywhere.

Ridiculous.

And it's like, no
one even likes Tyler.

- No, no, no.
- No.

Well, the candidate
who has the most money

usually wins 94% of the time.

Oh my god!

Bobby Moynihan, I was literally
just about to say that,

because the 94
thing, I actually,

I, um, I read that
in a, in a newspaper.

- In a newspaper?
- Yes.

I think I saw
the same newspaper.

Oh my god!

Oh my God!

Why don't you guys just go--

why don't you guys just go
dry hump under the bleachers?

Wow, that is inappropriate.

Blake!

This is getting to that point.

I'm a grown man.

You're both teenagers.

So I'm just going to go.

I don't think this
is appropriate.

No, no, no!

I shouldn't even be allowed
in this school, to be honest.

Bobby Moynihan,
please come back.

Don't call me Bobby Moynihan.

Just call me Bobby.

Call me by my human
first name, please?

You ruined my chances
with Bobby Moynihan.

I'm sorry--

Yeah.

But you were being a--
Oh my god.

Look at Chandra.

She's even a banana.

Ew.

She's eating
it so slowly.

Oh my god, she's
totally pretending it's

Mr. Kowalski's D.

Oh my god.

Is that Chandra eating a banana?

Yes.

What does she think,
that's Mr. Kawasaki's D?

Yeah.

I shouldn't be here.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Ugh.

Hi!

I'm Sugar Boy.

I'm a boy and I
eat a lot of sugar.

Want to hear a story?

I'm going to tell you a story.

It's a really cool
time traveling story

called "Bike to the Future."

This guy's name is Elliot.

He's a really smart
scientist guy and inventor.

He was the one that
invented Twizzlers,

and also that sticky goop
that makes fart sound.

One day, he was doing an
experiment on his dog Ginger

to make her talk.

But he accidentally
forgot to carry

the one on his long division.

And the dog blew up all over.

He was sad and he cried
so hard that he drooled.

Then stopped crying
and decided to invent

a time traveling machine
to bring his dead dog back

from the dead.

So he put together a
bunch of cool metal

and electronic equipment,
and ate all the candy

and Dr. Pepper he wanted
so he could stay up

till after midnight.

Next morning, he attached it
to his BMX bike, and it lit up,

and it looked awesome.

He had to go 8 miles per
hour in order for it to work.

So he went to the
end of the street,

then rode the bike
as fast as he could.

And when he hit 8 miles per
hour, a bunch of electricity

happened like [static noise].

Next thing he knew, he
was back in the garage,

and Ginger was alive again.

So he carried the
heck out of the one,

then he gave her an injection.

Then she started talking.

Whoa, cool, I can talk.

Yeah!

He was
so excited that he

accidentally spilled Dr. Pepper
all over the time machine.

And next thing he knew,
he was in the future.

And all the humans were actually
artificially intelligent

robots.

And they saw Elliot
and thought he

must be an alien or something.

So they shot lasers out
of their faces at him,

then made cool sounds
like pew, pew, pew,

pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

Ah.

So he jumped on the
bike again and he

ended up in some kind of park,
and he thought he was safe.

But then a crazy guy with
a skirt made of leaves

pointed his spear at him.

But then he got shot in
the neck with a dart.

So they all turned around.

It was a cool archaeologist
with a brown hat and a whip.

And he said, hey, come with me.

I'm looking for a magical
sword or something.

And Elliott said, OK.

But he was scared, so he
jumped back on the bike.

He ended up in a big field.

And this lady just kept
talking about purple.

And it was kind of boring.

So he got the heck out of there.

Purple.

And he ended
up in World War Two.

And there were bombs
going off everywhere.

It was way cooler.

And an army guy
was like, come on.

The enemy is invading our base.

We got to go save Private Brian.

Then they heard the
whistling of the missile,

so he jumped on his
bike just as it hit.

He went flying into
the air and went

all the way across the moon.

And he landed in some water.

He was relieved to
be out of there.

But just then, a huge shark
fin popped up behind him,

and hear that scary--

Sound that you hear
whenever a shark is around.

Then he got pulled under hard.

But luckily, he
ate the bike too.

So it zapped him back into his
garage, and Ginger was there,

and he was so relieved.

So they went into the TV room,
but then he noticed a glass

of water was jiggling around.

And Ginger said, uh-oh,
you know what that means?

And Elliot said, yeah.

The stereo was up too loud.

And they watched the
rest of "Jurassic Park"

and went to bed.

Sugar Boy!

I love Steven Spielberg movies.