All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S01E08.This.Was.Just.Such.a.Letdown.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

The past, the present,
the future with Emily Heller.

Hi.

I'm psychic Emily Heller.

And I'm here with
comedian John Mulaney

to find out what the cards
have to say about his future.

John, are you ready?
- Yes.

- You're positive?
- That I'm ready?

Yes, I'm positive.
- OK.

You're sure?
- I'm sure.

Yeah.

OK.

I-- I'm not ready.

I actually have to
go to the bathroom.

Is that OK?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Please go, by all means.

I'll be right
back, two seconds.

Yeah.

Could
you not touch that?

Yeah, that's-- it's fake.

So it's no danger to me.

Don't touch anything.

OK.

Have you thought
about what question

you want answered today?

I am thinking of
buying an apartment.

Is that a good idea
to buy an apartment?

That's a little bit of a
braggy question, but that's OK.

What do I do with my hands?

Just get out of my way.

First card--

Ace of Cups.

Right off the bat,
I have to ask you.

What's your relationship
with the ocean?

When I was 11, we
went to Cape Cod.

So your family's
pretty well-off.

Yes.

A lot of people
can go to Cape Cod.

It's free.

It's free to go to Cape Cod.

Second
card-- the Hierophant.

What is a hierophant?

It's a little complicated.

Would you explain it to me
since it's my tarot reading?

I feel like you would
then explain it,

even if it was complicated.

I would, but I don't
think we have a ton of time.

I'm blocked off,
like, two hours.

Some kind of religious guy.

You know what?

I don't think that's you.

Let's pick a different card.
- Great.

So we can-- that's the
way this works is anything

you don't like, you can--
- Yeah.

Cool.

The Devil.

The Devil-- I know this one.

That's good.

We thought this was going to
be a straightforward reading

about a real estate purchase.

Sure.

But sometimes the
cards show us things we

need to see that we didn't ask.

Maybe you're actually
up against Satan.

May I backtrack for a second?

I-- just to recap,
I'm a hierophant

and I'm up against the Devil.

The classic hierophant
versus Devil struggle.

Devil like a Red Hots ad?
Red Hots.

What-- and
the third card means what?

This is your dream.

I would love it if that
card was a hierophant

having defeated Satan.

I bet it's going to be some
other more random image.

You have no idea what's
about to happen to you.

I like how menacing you are.

If the card that
had come up here--

if instead of the Devil,
you had drawn the Fool,

this reading would
be very wacky.

We'd be doing bits.

There'd be some
slapstick going on.

Right.

Movie references.

Yeah.

I match the tone
of the obstacle.

OK.

Next
card-- the Lovers.

When's the last
time you made love?

Probably in college.

But I had sex yesterday.

Fair.

This next card represents
your hopes and your fears,

how you're going to feel.

- Both?
- Yes.

OK.

Just it's a whatever card.

It's a whatever card?

It's what's known in
the tarot community--

The community--

As
a whatever card.

There's like a neighborhood?

Yeah.

Next card--
the Hanged Man.

Can you turn it to me?

I mean--

Oh, no.

I'm glad that is a whatever,
take-it-or-leave-it card.

Yeah.

Well, when I said
"whatever card,"

I meant whatever's on this
card is definitely happening.

Oh, weird.

It changed after
I saw the image.

Yeah.

Final
card-- the Chariot.

So you're going to move.

You're going to move.

- Oh, because it's a chariot?
- Yeah.

- Oh, because it moves?
- Yeah.

That actually works.

You're going to
arrive in style.

I know, with a black
Sphinx and a white Sphinx.

Yeah.

So maybe you'll use an
interracial moving company.

I was planning on it.

I was going to use
Lethal Weapon Movers.

Oh, I hear great things.

Yeah, they're very good.

They are getting a little old.

One of them is too
old for this ...

All right.

Let's do the numbers.

14.

What did the last person get?

Oh, I've never
done this before.

Oh.

You're
watching MTV Europe.

You just watched
"Hjooker Lawyer."

Next up is "Hey Guys!"

YEUVEJEGENJA
"Hey Guys!"

Zigga zigga!

We're coming at you live from
our studios in downtown Europe.

Now, give it up for
Europe's number one

VJ, Yeuvejegenja Yevjskaiya!

Waba, waba, waba.

Hey, guys.

It's me, Yeuvejegenja
Yevjskaiya,

VJ here on MTV Europe and
your host of "Hey Guys!"

Hey, guys.

Put down your drinkable yogurt
because joining me later

in the studio is
the one and only

American actress, Sophia Bush.

Hey, guys.

You know what that means.

Whenever we hear a
traditional Irish step dance,

it's time for my
favorite segment,

Game Challenge Trivia-Style.

Let's meet today's contestants.

Hey, guys.

Cool sunburn, man.

What's your name
and what do you do?

I am called Gunter.

And I am a dairy
farmer from Dusseldorf.

And how about you,
my little kitten?

I'm Fabriziana.

I'm window prostitute.

Very cool.

OK, you two.

Here is today's question.

What European hit has topped
music charts for over 14

straight years in a row?

"Don't Turn
Around," Ace of Base.

Beef and Reef?

Oh, do-mage.

That's some sad cheese, guy.

Fabriziana.

"The Sign," Ace of Base.

Oh, hell yes, N-word.

You won.

Guess what?

You're getting a year's
supply of Dutch butter.

Dutch butter-- it's
delicious, it's nutritious,

and it's better than lube.

Hey, guys.

Now, let's toss this salad to
Lady Gaga with the weather.

We're seeing scattered
thunderstorms in Northern

Europe from Oslo
down to Copenhagen,

as well as
record-breaking humidity

and temperatures
up to 21 degrees

Celsius in Paris through Rome.

Thanks, Gaga.
Sounds hot.

You better not wear
your meat dress

because it's going to stink.

Hey, guys.

It's the moment we've
all been waiting for.

Please help me give
a warm European

welcome with two kisses
and one finger to the one,

the only Sophia Bush.

Hey, Sophia.

It's great to have you here.

Thank you so much.

I'm really happy to
be here, you guys.

We are absolutely loving the
promos for your brand-new show.

Tell us all about it.

Thank you.

I am really so excited.

It's funny and it's poignant.

And-- and the comedy
is really great.

I think you guys are really
going to enjoy "Partners."

What are you
talking about, Willis?

Oh, I'm sorry.

The new show, "Partners," is
premiering September 24 on CBS.

Sophia, don't be
a cheese weasel.

I'm talking about
your brand-new show

here in Europe, "Un Tree Hill."

Ha ha!

Oh, it's really
not that brand-new.

You know, "One Tree
Hill" started in 2003.

Well, I'll tell you what.

It's fresh off the
boat here in Europe

and it smells good, girl.

Got a lot of buzz.

Thank you.

Tell me all about
your recording career,

because you right now have
the number-two hit in Europe,

right behind Ace of Base.

I-- I'm sorry, guys.

I think that you
have me mistaken with

somebody else because I don't--

I don't sing.

Damn, Gina, I think
you're mistaken because you

have an amazing single.

And it's called "All the
Things i Love About Europe."

Give it up for the video, guys.

There's so much I love.

There's so much I
love about Europe--

love, love, love Europe.

Cappuccino.

Americano.

Espresso-- espresso.

Croissants-- croissants.

There's so much I love.

There's so much I
love about Europe--

love, love, love Europe.

This was a great interview.

There it is.

Love that jam.

I'm sorry.

That's-- that's not a single.

That was clearly taken from
an interview I did last time

I was in Europe and auto-tuned.

Well, it's selling
like hotcakes.

People are buying that?

Oh, shit-plode.

OK.

Um, I'm sorry.

That's awful.

Oh, well, I tell you
what, you can't forget

the motto here in Europe.

Don't judge it til
you hear the remix.

Hit it, Beef and Reef.

There's so much I love.

There's so much I
love about Europe.

I have
to call my publicist.

Sophia?

OK, guys.

It looks like the show's over.

But tune in next week.

And never forget, if you put a
fog machine and a strobe light

in a room and lock yourself
there, you will die.

Waba, waba, waba.

Bye.

So I see you're about
to go on a world tour that

will take you all over the map.

Who do you think you
are, Carmen Sandiego?

My name is Demi.

And I sing pop music.

And I'm going to go
sing a bunch of places.

But I am not Carmen Sandiego.

I wish you were
Carmen Sandiego,

because I've been looking
for that bitch for 25 years.

Ugh, right?

My name's Janessa Slater.

And I'm a media coach who's
helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound Advice."

So your latest hit single is
called "Really Don't Care."

And you know, I can
really relate to that song

because I don't
care about anything.

My ex-husband Darren
just got engaged.

I really don't care.

My ex-husband Darren's car
crashed because his brakes

mysteriously stalled.

I really don't care.

You know--

I don't think you're really
understanding the song,

the meaning of the song.

I think you're, like,
taking it somewhere else.

Guess what?

You really don't care.

I really don't care.

Boom!

It's a home run.

Home run?

Excuse me, ball in one.

Ball in one.

Home run, ball in one.

Take that to the--

Hitting it out of
the right field, right?

Yeah, to the dunk bank.

Swoosh.

That's what I--

damn it.

Swoosh.

So you've been very public
with your struggles.

And I think that's
very admirable.

For me, it's just
really important

to be honest with my
fans because I know

that they struggle with
some of the same things

that I've been through.

And my fans are amazing.

They mean the world
to me and more.

I've had so many public
struggles, like one time

I tried to get into
my ex Darren's house

and very publicly was
knocking on the door

and trying to get it to open.

And I think a lot of people
were inspired to take action.

And by people, I mean my
neighbors and his neighbors,

I guess, now.

But they called the police
and that was their action.

And that was unfortunate.

The point is, like, people
love us and look up to us.

And that's-- at the end of the
day, like, that's what matters.

Do you think I
could, like, maybe

have a couple of your fans,
though, because, like--

You can't have them.

I'm just, like,
running a little low.

Yeah.
You know what I think?

I think you just probably
need to get more neighbors.

That's a great idea.

Yeah.

Because you're still living
in the bushes, aren't you?

I don't live there but,
you know, I sleep there.

Right.

Oh, that's a leaf.

You know, I like that you're
going on a world tour.

It's good to show off
in front of foreigners.

But I saw that you left
some places off of the tour,

like you're not
going to Afghanistan

or, like, Eastern Ukraine.

I think those places are a
little dangerous right now.

Oh, I don't know.

My TV broke when I
kicked it doing Tae-Bo.

And I don't read,
like, the printed news.

So--

I-- you have a phone?

I do have a phone.

You can go online.

Oh,
my phone is like this.

Hello?

Does it-- does it have,
like, a screen or anything

that you can look at?

It has, like, a home
that you put it in.

Like a charger.

Like the thing that has
the cord coming out of it.

Right.

So that's a home phone.

Yes, a home phone.

That's what I have.

Got it.

I had, like, a little phone.

But I just use it to be--

it's like a fake cell phone.

And I just use it to
be rude to people.

Why?

Like, just
to tell them to hurry up

and stuff.

That's funny
because my phone's ringing.

Oh.

Then you should get it, Demi.

No, it's OK.

People can wait.

Well, I think
I've given you a lot

of really great advice today.

And I think if there's any--

Oh, hold on.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm almost done.

That doesn't--

Yeah, I'll be right there.

I have to go.

Does that work?

Mm-hm.

Hello?

Just like yours, but the
home it lives in is my pocket.

I mostly, you know, eat blood.

I'm a big--

I'm a big fan of blood.

Animal blood, human blood,
wherever I can get it.

I like that it's-- it's
kind of warm and liquidy.

You know, I'm racking
my brain for other foods.

But I can't think of anything
else other than blood.

We-- we-- we're a
blood-loving people.

I guess I'm excited to
try human food today.

OK.

"Sandwich."

This looks so stupid.

It's falling apart in my hands.

You guys eat
sandwiches all the time?

All right.

Bottoms up.

OK.

I sucked.

Nothing's coming out of it.

What?

Oh.

Ugh.

It's very-- it's very dry.

No.

I mean, I wish--

I wish it was blood.

I don't feel any blood
dripping down my throat.

"Salad."

This looks like that
stuff that cows eat.

Oh.

Oh, crap.

I don't really care for that.

There's not any
blood in this, either.

People eat this?

I wouldn't be disrespectful,
but I don't even know

what to do with all of this.

OK.

Here we go.

This has got blood all over it.

Interesting.

OK.

You finally-- you
got this one right,

because this looks like blood.

If it looks like a duck
and it quacks like a duck,

it's probably blood.

OK.

I have a lot of
problems with this.

Oh.

Ugh.

What is this bull ?

I'm mad.

There was once blood
in that a long time ago.

It's old blood.

It's gone.

But you know it was there.

Oh, this was just
such a letdown.

You made me think,
oh, oh, like blood.

But no, it's just the opposite.

Could you come over
here for a second?

I think my mic is--

I think I-- I pushed it.

So adjust your mic?
- Just right there.

Yeah.

Poor unfortunate souls.

Ursula, you are the
devil of the ocean.

Thank you.

Queen demon.

Thank you.

You got it.

Tell me, does the
big guy upstairs

like bigger gals like me?

I haven't asked him.

But I'm pretty sure
you're going to hell.

Bull shrimp.

Which for you means
SeaWorld Orlando.

No!

You stole a young
girl's voice, snatched

it right up out of her throat.

It's wicked.

Is that what all
of this is about?

Yes.

Well, I'll have you
know I didn't steal it.

That little hussy gave
it to me willingly.

I've got the
contract to prove it.

Read.

Can you read?

Read it.

Is this wet?

This is useless.

Well, it was signed under
the sea, you bass hole!

I'm sorry.

When I start to dry out,
I get a little irritable.

Yeah, take your time.

Mm.
- Cool off.

That's for you.
OK.

I definitely don't want that.

No, have a sip.

No, I think it
actually smells like fish now.

Mm-hm.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

We also have you on a
number of different things,

from extorting a squid to
turning various merpeople

into weird plant-like objects.

Just because I'm evil doesn't
mean I haven't done good deeds.

- Please share.
- Do you want one right now?

OK.

OK.

Have you ever heard of
illegal Japanese whaling?

Yeah.

I was the one who got
that off the ground.

Horrible.

Every shark that
eats a person, it's me.

You tell each shark
to go eat that person?

Yes, I say, there's
a beach full of people

celebrating happiness.

You're attacking happiness.

That's not a good deed.

Hmm.

Maybe I can do a
good deed for you.

I don't see how.

Oh.

You like calamari?

I don't like calamari.

Mm.

Yes, I've got a tentacle
on your testicle.

- Oh, use suction on that.
- Mm.

Yes.

Do you like bondage?

Oh, no.

Little Petey can't get out.

What a poor unfortunate dick.

Oh, ah.

Who's your big momma?

I don't know.

It's me.

I'll do that again.

OK.

Who's your big momma?

I don't totally know.

Come on, it's me.

Oh.

One more time.

OK.

Who's your big momma?

It's me.

What the ?

"The Front Desk."

Enjoy your stay.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Hi.

I'm here for the
triplets convention.

- Mister?
- Miller.

Mr. Miller.

Yes.

Have your room right
here and you are all set.

Good.

You do me one favor.

My brothers are coming in.

Now, when Tom checks in, could
you put him in the room next

to mine?

He's a really great guy.

And when Tim checks in, we don't
want to be anywhere near him.

He's very rude and
we don't get along.

All right.

Well, I'll see what I can do.

We're kind of full because
of all the triplets.

But it shouldn't be a problem.
- Great.

Thank you.
- Enjoy your stay.

Oh, thanks.

Tom Miller.

My brother Ted's probably
already checked in.

Yeah.
You just missed him.

And you guys would like
your rooms together.

No.

No, I don't want to be
anywhere near that guy.

He's a world-class turd.

He's a little itty-bitty turd.

Now, my brother Tim--

Uh-huh--

Could you make sure our
rooms are next to each other?

He's a great guy.
- Uh-huh.

- Total peach.
- OK.

If you meet him,
you'll know him.

He'll come up.

You'll be like,
this guy's a peach.

Yeah, he'll look like you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll see what I can do.

Make it happen.

Make it happen?
- I'll do my best.

Make it happen.

A lot of triplets here.

I'll make it happen.

Thank you.

Hi, Tim Miller.

I think my brothers Ted and
Tom have already checked in.

Actually, you
just missed them.

So--

Could you do me a favor?

I'd like to be next to
Ted, but not next to Tom.

There's a lot of
triplets in here.

There's a lot of
requests happening.

And it's a little tough for me.

So-- but I think I got it.

It shouldn't be a problem.

You're being very rude.

Don't be rude to me.

Just-- what the hell is this?

That's your room key.

It's a key?

You put that in
your door and it

unlocks the door to your room.

That's a key?

Yes.

Is that-- is that how you
get in your door at home?

No.

So you start your
car with one of these?

No.

A lot of them have push
buttons now, though.

You're an asshole.

Hey.
Ah.

I'm Terence Trent Miller.

My brothers Ted, Tom, and
Tim have already checked in.

We're quadruplets.
- What?

Oh.
- I know.

I'm kind of the black
sheep of the family.

OK.

Can you do me a favor?
Oh.

Can
you put us all in one room?

I don't think anybody's
going to go for that?

We are fully booked.
- Oh, no.

But you know what?

Oh, no.

You know what, though?

I can probably fix
something for you.

I can--
- Oh, snap.

I can probably
get you something.

Oh, no.

Hey, you want to-- you want
to hear my guitar shirt?

I--

Hey!
- All right.

Where should I go?
Where should I go?

Where do you go?

Well, just come back
in maybe a half-hour.

Check in and-- come back
in maybe a half-hour.

OK.

And I'll let you know
if I can accommodate you.

All right, buddy.
Take it easy, man.

All right.

Oh, watch it.

Hey, I'm good, man.

Sorry about that.

Hey.

- Oh, there's five of you?
- What?

No, I'm Ted.
I'm the first guy.

I changed my shirt.

It stunk.

How can I help you?

How do I get the
spank movies working?

I thought you were going
to say something else--

at "The Front Desk."

Hey, Hill, can you help
me find a copy of a book?

Sure, friend.

To where does your
bibliographic journey lead?

I need a copy of
"Romeo and Juliet."

No, you don't.

Excuse me?

You don't need
to read that, OK?

No woman needs to read that.

It's a course requirement
for the final paper

for Professor Hines's class.

OK.

Here's your final paper.

"Shakespeare was an ass."

Hey, look, if you're
not going to help,

at least just tell me--

Juliet goes to a
party, marries a boy,

and then kills herself--

bored now.

It's not supposed to be fun.

It's supposed to be homework.

Homework is fun.

Read "The Spanish Tragedy"
by Thomas Kyd, OK?

The female lead loses her
lover, then seduces another man

to make her lover's
murderer jealous,

writes a letter in blood, and
then murders the murderer.

How does it end?

She kills herself.

But I rewrote the ending
in the library copy.

She becomes king.

You mean queen.

No.

Can I help you?

Um, there's no one at the desk
and I need to return a book.

Give it to me.

Oh, "Jane Eyre."

How much did you love it?

Are you profoundly changed?

I didn't finish it.

- Take it back.
- What?

The class is over.

Bring it back
when you're changed.

I don't need to be--

No, take it.

Go.

Hey, Hill?

Where are the botany books?

Fourth floor.

That's where all the
thesis carrels are.

That's right, Joan.

I really think you should
consider doing a thesis, OK?

I'm afraid that
you're not realizing

your full academic potential.

I'm not even coming
back after the break.

I'm getting married.

Are you sure, Joan?

About my fiance?

Yes.

Joan--

He's from Connecticut.

Joan--

He's very nice to me.

Joan--

I hate him.

You again.

Did you finish the book?

I was gone for,
like, a second.

I just need to
find the restroom.

You don't need
the restroom, OK?

All you-- the-- the restroom
is in the back by the science

fiction, appropriately.

Thank you.