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1
00:00:28,941 --> 00:00:31,814
Oh, god.
2
00:00:31,944 --> 00:00:33,511
OK, people.
3
00:00:33,642 --> 00:00:34,425
It is opening night.
4
00:00:35,470 --> 00:00:36,253
Shut up!
5
00:00:36,384 --> 00:00:38,081
Shut up!
6
00:00:38,212 --> 00:00:39,517
In the past, I
have found that it
7
00:00:39,648 --> 00:00:41,519
is the last night
when the weirdest
8
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:44,044
shit happens with you people.
9
00:00:44,174 --> 00:00:46,220
Not tonight.
10
00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:48,178
Some ground rules.
11
00:00:48,309 --> 00:00:50,050
I know a lot of you
like to re-enact things
12
00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:53,444
you just saw in the movie.
13
00:00:53,575 --> 00:00:57,927
I will not allow re-enactments
within 50 feet of my theater,
14
00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,407
and I will not bend on that.
15
00:00:59,537 --> 00:01:01,931
I will ban you
from this theater.
16
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,585
You will never be
allowed in here
17
00:01:03,715 --> 00:01:07,241
ever, unless I'm not working
or I've forgotten your face.
18
00:01:11,941 --> 00:01:14,726
Finally, the bathrooms.
19
00:01:14,857 --> 00:01:19,253
All I ask is that you remember
that you are human beings.
20
00:01:19,383 --> 00:01:20,210
That is all.
21
00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:26,869
You're a grown man.
22
00:01:29,219 --> 00:01:30,090
How much longer?
23
00:01:37,836 --> 00:01:41,753
You guys are never going to
believe what I did last night.
24
00:01:41,884 --> 00:01:45,975
I watched a mother
movie.
25
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,020
Want to guess what
movie I watched?
26
00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:49,021
"Step Brothers?"
27
00:01:49,152 --> 00:01:50,371
"Pineapple Express?"
28
00:01:50,501 --> 00:01:52,503
"The House Bunny?"
29
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:55,332
All good guesses,
but you're wrong.
30
00:01:55,463 --> 00:01:59,423
The movie I watched was a
little flick that some people
31
00:01:59,554 --> 00:02:01,469
like to call "Future Space."
32
00:02:04,385 --> 00:02:05,690
Guess who wins the
Goblet of Reason?
33
00:02:05,821 --> 00:02:06,735
Lothgar.
34
00:02:10,565 --> 00:02:13,524
I see you've seen the film.
35
00:02:13,655 --> 00:02:15,004
No.
36
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,659
I happen to have a firm
grasp on the mythology.
37
00:02:17,789 --> 00:02:19,748
Not the ending.
38
00:02:19,878 --> 00:02:24,709
If you want to hear it, I'll
be standing right over there.
39
00:02:38,027 --> 00:02:39,985
Master.
40
00:02:40,116 --> 00:02:42,118
Do not worry, my son.
41
00:02:42,249 --> 00:02:45,077
There is nothing he can
say that will shock me.
42
00:03:04,749 --> 00:03:05,576
Any other takers?
43
00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:12,540
What do I got?
44
00:03:12,670 --> 00:03:13,845
Anyone?
45
00:03:13,976 --> 00:03:15,064
You?
46
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,805
Why are we doing this?
47
00:03:16,935 --> 00:03:23,072
The final shot, the ending
of your stupid movie, reveals--
48
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:23,986
OK, that's it.
49
00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:24,856
Let's go, buddy.
50
00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:27,163
Move it.
51
00:03:27,294 --> 00:03:30,079
Why do you care?
52
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,123
Because I love movies.
53
00:03:33,648 --> 00:03:35,432
Can I just yell like
one-- like one thing?
54
00:03:35,563 --> 00:03:36,390
No.
55
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,609
Beat it.
56
00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:39,567
You beat it.
57
00:03:44,702 --> 00:03:45,921
Mm.
58
00:03:46,051 --> 00:03:48,445
Mm.
59
00:03:48,576 --> 00:03:51,013
Oh.
60
00:03:51,143 --> 00:03:52,057
That might be piss.
61
00:03:55,104 --> 00:03:56,540
OK, two things.
62
00:03:56,671 --> 00:04:01,153
One, what just happened
does not make us friends.
63
00:04:01,284 --> 00:04:04,374
Two, your movie
starts in 30 minutes.
64
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:06,289
That's right.
65
00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:07,247
That's right.
66
00:04:07,377 --> 00:04:08,726
That's right.
67
00:04:25,830 --> 00:04:27,092
Paulilu Mixtape.
68
00:04:27,223 --> 00:04:28,137
Sketch comedy.
69
00:04:31,575 --> 00:04:33,577
Babe, you know
how to tie a tie.
70
00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:34,839
I like it better
when you do it.
71
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,062
What's the occasion?
72
00:04:40,192 --> 00:04:41,063
You.
73
00:04:43,326 --> 00:04:44,196
You're the best.
74
00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:55,512
God, I'm so lucky.
75
00:05:11,093 --> 00:05:12,616
Whoa, what happened?
76
00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:13,617
What?
77
00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:15,619
Your boobs got small.
78
00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:16,968
They've always been this size.
79
00:05:22,278 --> 00:05:23,279
Why did you
change the picture?
80
00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:24,541
I didn't change anything.
81
00:05:27,675 --> 00:05:29,546
Katie's boobs, they've
always been big, right?
82
00:05:29,677 --> 00:05:30,504
No.
83
00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:32,114
Yeah, she has tiny boobs.
84
00:05:32,244 --> 00:05:34,029
Dude, she had big boobs
yesterday and now they're gone.
85
00:05:34,159 --> 00:05:35,247
They didn't
disappear yesterday.
86
00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:36,379
They were always gone.
87
00:05:36,510 --> 00:05:37,946
Boobs can't just disappear!
88
00:05:38,076 --> 00:05:40,252
The truth is she has no boobs!
89
00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:41,384
Why would you
say that you to me?
90
00:05:41,515 --> 00:05:41,906
Why would you--
91
00:05:42,037 --> 00:05:42,733
Relax!
92
00:05:42,864 --> 00:05:44,126
Get off me!
93
00:05:44,256 --> 00:05:45,954
You replaced the book
with an empty book.
94
00:05:46,084 --> 00:05:47,347
You erased your tits.
95
00:05:47,477 --> 00:05:48,957
Why did you do it, Katie?
96
00:05:49,087 --> 00:05:50,045
I've always been flat.
97
00:05:50,175 --> 00:05:52,264
Why are you doing this to me?
98
00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:55,659
What happened to the tits?
99
00:05:55,790 --> 00:06:00,751
Sometimes people invent
completely alternate realities.
100
00:06:00,882 --> 00:06:06,453
Imaginary friends, imaginary
families, imaginary tits.
101
00:06:06,583 --> 00:06:07,367
Stop it.
102
00:06:07,497 --> 00:06:08,237
Why are you doing this?
103
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,369
I'm not making them up.
104
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,248
You're the best.
105
00:06:30,564 --> 00:06:32,304
They've always been this size.
106
00:06:37,962 --> 00:06:39,877
Give me back the tits!
107
00:06:40,008 --> 00:06:41,618
Give me back the tits!
108
00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:48,016
Tell me what
happened to the tits.
109
00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:50,105
No one will know you told me.
110
00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:51,715
They're listening.
111
00:06:57,634 --> 00:06:58,983
Hello, idiots.
112
00:06:59,114 --> 00:07:01,246
Welcome to the Idiot's
Guide to Smart People.
113
00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:03,335
Today's topic, politics.
114
00:07:03,466 --> 00:07:06,034
Politics is the smart
person word for yelling
115
00:07:06,164 --> 00:07:07,514
about the government.
116
00:07:07,644 --> 00:07:09,864
As an idiot, it's one of
your favorite pastimes.
117
00:07:09,994 --> 00:07:12,344
But if you ever get stuck
in a political argument
118
00:07:12,475 --> 00:07:15,260
with a smart person, you
will be strongly tempted
119
00:07:15,391 --> 00:07:16,566
to punch them in the face.
120
00:07:16,697 --> 00:07:18,873
So to avoid going
to jail for assault,
121
00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:21,136
here's everything you need
to know about smart people
122
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:22,311
and politics.
123
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,182
First off, misconceptions.
124
00:07:24,313 --> 00:07:27,751
As an idiot, you have no idea
how the government works.
125
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:29,536
But smart people
are confused too.
126
00:07:29,666 --> 00:07:32,234
Their knowledge of how the
government theoretically works
127
00:07:32,364 --> 00:07:34,062
gives them the delusion
they can change how
128
00:07:34,192 --> 00:07:36,281
the government actually works.
129
00:07:36,412 --> 00:07:39,459
Unfortunately for them,
knowledge is not power.
130
00:07:39,589 --> 00:07:42,723
Money is, and only rich people
can actually change things.
131
00:07:42,853 --> 00:07:45,682
Which brings us to not
making a difference.
132
00:07:45,813 --> 00:07:49,207
Smart people have a variety of
methods they use to exert zero
133
00:07:49,338 --> 00:07:50,861
influence over the government.
134
00:07:50,992 --> 00:07:53,516
A petition is intended
as a powerful statement
135
00:07:53,647 --> 00:07:55,997
of collective action, but
it's really just a list
136
00:07:56,127 --> 00:07:57,912
of people who aren't rich.
137
00:07:58,042 --> 00:08:00,523
When the petition
fails, a smart person
138
00:08:00,654 --> 00:08:06,050
might employ the fearsome tactic
known as a passionate email.
139
00:08:06,181 --> 00:08:08,488
Smart people have been
known to spend hours writing
140
00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:10,185
these pretentious
manifestos, which
141
00:08:10,315 --> 00:08:13,493
are then carefully read by
their congressman's trash can.
142
00:08:13,623 --> 00:08:17,888
These bizarre behaviors get
even worse during elections.
143
00:08:18,019 --> 00:08:20,412
In a representative democracy
like the United States,
144
00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:23,764
elections are regularly held
to determine which wealthy liar
145
00:08:23,894 --> 00:08:26,157
will run the
government, which means
146
00:08:26,288 --> 00:08:28,246
rich people have to
occasionally pretend
147
00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:29,900
to care what idiots think.
148
00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:32,033
So in election
years, rich people
149
00:08:32,163 --> 00:08:34,557
hire smart people to figure
out what idiots think
150
00:08:34,688 --> 00:08:37,995
so the rich liars can lie to
the idiots more effectively,
151
00:08:38,126 --> 00:08:39,954
and these smart
rich partnerships
152
00:08:40,084 --> 00:08:42,870
exploit your deepest emotions
to trick you into supporting
153
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,349
anything at all.
154
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,134
Of course, after
all their hard work,
155
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:48,658
smart people get very upset
if their favorite liar
156
00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:52,227
doesn't win, which leads us
to liberals and conservatives.
157
00:08:52,357 --> 00:08:54,011
There are idiots
and smart people
158
00:08:54,142 --> 00:08:55,709
on both sides of the
political spectrum,
159
00:08:55,839 --> 00:08:58,712
and all of their
opinions are annoying.
160
00:08:58,842 --> 00:09:01,149
However, smart liberals
and smart conservatives
161
00:09:01,279 --> 00:09:02,977
are annoying in different ways.
162
00:09:03,107 --> 00:09:04,631
Smart conservatives,
for example,
163
00:09:04,761 --> 00:09:06,415
have to pretend to be idiots.
164
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,026
That's because their party is
deeply suspicious of experts,
165
00:09:09,157 --> 00:09:11,028
whose godless
scientific worldview
166
00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:14,162
scatters annoying facts
all over their dumb faces.
167
00:09:14,292 --> 00:09:15,903
Smart liberals,
on the other hand,
168
00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:18,253
want to seem smarter
than they actually are.
169
00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:20,951
Their political heroes or
college professors and wise ass
170
00:09:21,082 --> 00:09:24,564
comedians, thus a smart liberal
will attempt to educate you,
171
00:09:24,694 --> 00:09:26,653
even if you agree with
them, and will proudly
172
00:09:26,783 --> 00:09:28,916
refer to the smart
person blogs from which
173
00:09:29,046 --> 00:09:31,005
they stole their opinions.
174
00:09:31,135 --> 00:09:34,748
Both kinds of smart people
are absolutely insufferable,
175
00:09:34,878 --> 00:09:36,619
but there is a way
to avoid putting
176
00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:37,794
your fist through their head.
177
00:09:37,925 --> 00:09:39,622
Simply take pity
on their towering
178
00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:42,320
self-delusion, fruitless rage,
and pathetic grandstanding.
179
00:09:42,451 --> 00:09:44,888
And you're just going to
punch them anyway, aren't you?
180
00:09:45,019 --> 00:09:47,325
All right, just remember to hire
a smart person as your lawyer.
181
00:09:58,772 --> 00:10:00,077
As.
182
00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:01,992
Christmas is upon us, we
present the true story
183
00:10:02,123 --> 00:10:04,908
of the birth of Jesus Christ
184
00:10:07,911 --> 00:10:10,610
I'm Joseph, and this is
my wife the Virgin Mary.
185
00:10:10,740 --> 00:10:12,786
We've traveled far to Bethlehem.
186
00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:15,266
She's well into her
third trimester.
187
00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:16,528
Is there any room at your inn?
188
00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:18,574
No, but you can
stay at my manger.
189
00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:21,359
Thank you.
190
00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:22,883
Uh-oh.
191
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:24,319
My water broke.
192
00:10:24,449 --> 00:10:27,017
And now we take Jesus
out of Mary's tummy.
193
00:10:27,148 --> 00:10:28,236
Ow, my contractions.
194
00:10:28,366 --> 00:10:29,106
Get them on the table.
195
00:10:29,237 --> 00:10:31,152
I've got this.
196
00:10:31,282 --> 00:10:33,720
Her cervix is
four inches dilated.
197
00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:35,460
Also, she's a virgin.
198
00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:39,247
Keep pushing, Mary.
199
00:10:39,377 --> 00:10:42,119
Bite down on this.
200
00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:48,952
You did this to me.
201
00:10:49,083 --> 00:10:50,475
No, I didn't.
202
00:10:50,606 --> 00:10:51,651
He did.
203
00:10:51,781 --> 00:10:55,480
Mary, now you
will experience--
204
00:10:55,611 --> 00:11:02,618
um, experience--
vaginal tearing.
205
00:11:02,749 --> 00:11:03,532
No.
206
00:11:05,926 --> 00:11:07,405
Here it comes.
207
00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:09,712
Oh no, she pushed so hard
some poop came out of her.
208
00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:10,844
Yes, that happens.
209
00:11:10,974 --> 00:11:11,932
Jesus Christ!
210
00:11:14,891 --> 00:11:16,893
Now we cut the umbilical
cord of our Lord and Savior.
211
00:11:24,031 --> 00:11:26,207
Congratulations,
Mary, it's a boy.
212
00:11:26,337 --> 00:11:28,905
And you didn't die
during childbirth like most
213
00:11:29,036 --> 00:11:30,341
women do in this time.
214
00:11:30,472 --> 00:11:31,691
It's a miracle.
215
00:11:31,821 --> 00:11:33,780
But wait.
216
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:40,830
I'm the placenta.
217
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,270
And that was the
story of Christmas.
218
00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:58,413
"7 Minutes in Heaven."
219
00:11:58,543 --> 00:12:00,937
Oh, yeah.
220
00:12:01,068 --> 00:12:03,113
Hi, this is "7 Minutes in
Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.
221
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:04,288
I'm here today with Tina Fey.
222
00:12:04,419 --> 00:12:05,550
Hi, Tina.
- Hi, Mike.
223
00:12:05,681 --> 00:12:06,769
How are you doing?
- Good.
224
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:08,292
How are you?
- I'm good, thank you.
225
00:12:08,423 --> 00:12:09,685
I'd be remiss if I didn't
ask you about your Sarah
226
00:12:09,816 --> 00:12:11,774
Palin impression.
227
00:12:11,905 --> 00:12:13,471
We're a little
tight on time, but I
228
00:12:13,602 --> 00:12:17,954
wondered if you could do a
maybe 1.5 second snippet of it.
229
00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:19,434
Sure.
230
00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:20,914
Glerp.
231
00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:22,306
And that's Palin.
232
00:12:22,437 --> 00:12:25,745
You're appearing as
your "30 Rock" character
233
00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:29,183
Liz Lemon on an
upcoming "Breaking Bad."
234
00:12:29,313 --> 00:12:32,534
I got a look at the script, and
I wondered if it was OK to give
235
00:12:32,664 --> 00:12:33,535
a little preview of that.
236
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:34,928
That'd be great.
237
00:12:35,058 --> 00:12:36,146
What the what?
238
00:12:36,277 --> 00:12:37,452
You're cooking meth without me?
239
00:12:37,582 --> 00:12:38,845
I'll put you in
the ground, bitch.
240
00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:39,889
Blerg!
241
00:12:40,020 --> 00:12:41,412
I quit.
242
00:12:41,543 --> 00:12:42,587
I'm finding a job where
my clients own bed frames.
243
00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:44,067
Lemon out.
244
00:12:44,198 --> 00:12:45,329
Lemon out has a hand signal?
245
00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:46,200
Lemon out.
246
00:12:46,330 --> 00:12:48,550
L. Lemon out.
247
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,334
Sweeping the nation.
248
00:12:50,465 --> 00:12:51,683
It's all over everywhere.
249
00:12:51,814 --> 00:12:52,772
Uzbekistan.
250
00:12:55,470 --> 00:12:58,778
Everybody in Uzbekistan
is Lizzing right now.
251
00:12:58,908 --> 00:13:02,085
I wanted to ask, is there
a-- is there a private thing
252
00:13:02,216 --> 00:13:05,132
about yourself that you kind
of had in the back of your mind
253
00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:08,265
like, if I have to,
I'll give this up?
254
00:13:08,396 --> 00:13:10,790
Because I don't have the
question to unlock that,
255
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,400
but I'm not a great interviewer.
256
00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:17,666
In my back pocket I was
probably willing to say that I
257
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,668
threw up in Gramercy
Tavern once,
258
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:24,629
but not, not talk about the time
I made out with John Goodman.
259
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,415
I feel like this might
have been the same night.
260
00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:28,503
But in what order?
261
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:29,373
Right.
262
00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:30,984
Right.
263
00:13:31,114 --> 00:13:32,899
All right, let's do a closet
theater with Tina Fey.
264
00:13:33,029 --> 00:13:35,597
We are a couple that
spends 99% of our time
265
00:13:35,727 --> 00:13:37,164
texting other people.
266
00:13:37,294 --> 00:13:38,992
OK.
267
00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:43,213
But for a few seconds a day,
we become dramatic, soap opera
268
00:13:43,344 --> 00:13:46,782
style, passionate,
complementing each other,
269
00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:51,221
and swept up by each other,
and then right back to texting.
270
00:13:54,224 --> 00:13:55,051
It's--
271
00:13:59,403 --> 00:14:01,101
Your eyebrows are
like a sand dune.
272
00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:03,103
Your hair is gorgeous.
273
00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:04,539
Oh.
274
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:05,496
Yep.
275
00:14:05,627 --> 00:14:07,237
Blark.
276
00:14:07,368 --> 00:14:08,717
Look at Shelly's cat.
277
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,240
Oh.
278
00:14:10,371 --> 00:14:11,415
She put panties on it.
279
00:14:11,546 --> 00:14:12,808
I want a divorce!
280
00:14:12,939 --> 00:14:14,941
Should the president
be able to doink?
281
00:14:15,071 --> 00:14:21,295
Um, it depends on
what doinking is.
282
00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:24,341
Like, boof.
283
00:14:24,472 --> 00:14:28,824
I mean, if he gets
really sick and horny.
284
00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:30,695
Which Cosby are you?
285
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:33,133
Oh.
286
00:14:33,263 --> 00:14:36,484
I like to think that
Phylicia Rashad.
287
00:14:36,614 --> 00:14:39,835
And then which one would you
be comfortable with watching
288
00:14:39,966 --> 00:14:41,271
you shower?
289
00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:42,185
- Which--
- Which Cosby?
290
00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:43,186
Which Cosby?
291
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:47,669
Vanessa.
- Yeah.
292
00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:49,279
I'd go with that grandpa.
293
00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:50,933
I feel like he'd be like,
it's a shower, who cares.
294
00:14:51,064 --> 00:14:52,108
Get in there.
295
00:14:52,239 --> 00:14:53,327
You get in there
and scrub it up.
296
00:14:53,457 --> 00:14:54,719
Well, Tina, you
didn't come in here
297
00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:59,594
to talk about silly
questions and act out
298
00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:01,117
little make-them-ups, did you?
299
00:15:01,248 --> 00:15:03,859
No.
300
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:05,513
You want to tell me
what you came in here for?
301
00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:07,167
- A makeout.
- Yeah.
302
00:15:07,297 --> 00:15:09,517
Do you have to do anything
with your hair later today?
303
00:15:09,647 --> 00:15:10,605
No, What do you got planned?
304
00:15:13,173 --> 00:15:14,478
Bucket of blood.
305
00:15:14,609 --> 00:15:15,479
It's been a pleasure.
306
00:15:15,610 --> 00:15:16,393
Thank you so much.
307
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:18,743
Thank you.
308
00:15:18,874 --> 00:15:21,964
Oh, yeah.
309
00:15:22,095 --> 00:15:23,574
Hi, I'm Jen.
310
00:15:23,705 --> 00:15:26,055
And I'm Dave,
her boyfriend.
311
00:15:26,186 --> 00:15:28,666
And I'm Dave her ex-boyfriend.
312
00:15:28,797 --> 00:15:32,279
And this is the commentary
track for running into an ex.
313
00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:36,457
Right here, I almost turned
and left, but you saw me.
314
00:15:36,587 --> 00:15:38,285
You know,
for 15 months I've
315
00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:39,677
been thinking about
what I would say
316
00:15:39,808 --> 00:15:41,027
when I finally saw you again.
317
00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:43,246
I lost so much sleep
going over and over
318
00:15:43,377 --> 00:15:47,511
this speech in my head, and
I finally see you, and--
319
00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:49,731
Cheese on sale.
320
00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:53,909
Cool How have you been?
321
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:56,433
Terrible I've
regretted breaking
322
00:15:56,564 --> 00:15:57,739
up with you almost every day.
323
00:15:57,869 --> 00:15:59,828
My sex life has been awful.
324
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,439
I've had two STD
scares, and I blame
325
00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:03,788
myself for my unhappiness.
326
00:16:03,919 --> 00:16:07,314
What have you been doing?
327
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:09,664
I started going to therapy.
328
00:16:09,794 --> 00:16:11,971
I had to find new
places to hang out,
329
00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,973
and I took your
name out of my phone
330
00:16:14,103 --> 00:16:17,237
because Dave is right
by Dad in my contacts.
331
00:16:17,367 --> 00:16:19,456
Cool.
332
00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:20,675
You look great.
333
00:16:20,805 --> 00:16:21,676
I really meant that.
334
00:16:21,806 --> 00:16:23,199
Thanks.
335
00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:24,592
You do too.
336
00:16:24,722 --> 00:16:25,549
I didn't mean that.
337
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:26,550
You look exhausted.
338
00:16:26,681 --> 00:16:27,508
Are you OK?
339
00:16:27,638 --> 00:16:28,552
Nope.
340
00:16:28,683 --> 00:16:32,121
Yeah, I'm working out a lot.
341
00:16:32,252 --> 00:16:34,080
I've been working
out of my house
342
00:16:34,210 --> 00:16:36,169
because my boss told
me I was depressing
343
00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:37,126
everyone in the office.
344
00:16:37,257 --> 00:16:38,519
Uh-oh.
345
00:16:38,649 --> 00:16:39,607
this look always means
you're about to say
346
00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:41,130
something important.
347
00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:42,871
I was thinking
about how much I miss you.
348
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,003
You know, things
would be different
349
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:45,134
if we got back together.
350
00:16:45,265 --> 00:16:47,397
Dave.
351
00:16:47,528 --> 00:16:48,398
Jen--
352
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,360
Hey, dog bones on sale.
353
00:16:53,490 --> 00:16:54,448
Oh.
354
00:16:54,578 --> 00:16:55,927
Oh, this mother .
355
00:16:56,058 --> 00:16:57,973
Dave, this is Tim.
356
00:16:58,104 --> 00:17:00,671
Tim, meet Dave.
357
00:17:00,802 --> 00:17:01,629
Hey, Jim.
358
00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:02,804
You heard his name.
359
00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:03,761
Oh, absolutely.
360
00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:04,675
Yeah, I was being a dick.
361
00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:05,546
Tim Conroy.
362
00:17:05,676 --> 00:17:06,982
Armonk, New York.
363
00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:08,897
Went to Villanova, works
in Ironside Capital.
364
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,117
I Facebooked the shit
out of this guy, Jen.
365
00:17:11,247 --> 00:17:11,987
He sucks.
366
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:13,032
He doesn't suck.
367
00:17:13,162 --> 00:17:14,076
He sucks.
368
00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:15,295
That was the weakest handshake.
369
00:17:15,425 --> 00:17:16,513
There's no way he's
getting better.
370
00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:18,167
Look at this
rat-faced Tom Cruise.
371
00:17:18,298 --> 00:17:19,560
I wanted to hit this douche.
372
00:17:19,690 --> 00:17:20,430
That's a cool shirt, man.
373
00:17:20,561 --> 00:17:21,344
I love Gatsby.
374
00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:22,345
Yeah, thanks, Tom.
375
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:23,346
What a dick.
376
00:17:23,477 --> 00:17:24,695
You're being the dick.
377
00:17:24,826 --> 00:17:27,002
So, you got a dog?
378
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:28,960
Oh, yeah, it's Tim's.
379
00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:31,659
I mean ours now.
380
00:17:31,789 --> 00:17:35,489
I just moved in with him, so.
381
00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:36,446
That's cool.
382
00:17:36,577 --> 00:17:37,317
That's great.
383
00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:39,971
Mother .
384
00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:42,409
Oh, it hurts more
than second time.
385
00:17:42,539 --> 00:17:44,411
Oh, my sister can't dog sit.
386
00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:45,890
Oh no.
387
00:17:46,021 --> 00:17:47,457
You going on a trip?
388
00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:48,632
Wow, I wish I didn't ask that.
389
00:17:48,763 --> 00:17:50,373
Me too.
390
00:17:50,504 --> 00:17:52,506
Yeah, we're just going to my
parents' house at the Cape.
391
00:17:52,636 --> 00:17:55,291
Hey, people at home, quick
background on the Cape house.
392
00:17:55,422 --> 00:17:57,772
That's where me and Jen said
I love you for the first time.
393
00:17:57,902 --> 00:17:59,078
Dave.
394
00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:00,079
Yeah, no,
that's the yard where
395
00:18:00,209 --> 00:18:00,905
Jen taught me how to whistle.
396
00:18:01,036 --> 00:18:02,255
Dave.
397
00:18:02,385 --> 00:18:03,299
That's the pool
house where we had
398
00:18:03,430 --> 00:18:04,953
our first synchronized orgasm.
399
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,346
David, stop it.
400
00:18:06,476 --> 00:18:07,869
Not what you
said in the pool house.
401
00:18:08,913 --> 00:18:09,697
I could dog sit.
402
00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:10,785
Idiot.
403
00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:12,003
- Yeah.
- No.
404
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:13,309
That'd be--
405
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:14,745
No.
406
00:18:14,876 --> 00:18:15,833
I mean, thank you for
offering, but I think
407
00:18:15,964 --> 00:18:17,400
we'll take the dog with us.
408
00:18:17,531 --> 00:18:19,924
I can't believe you
offered to dog sit.
409
00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:22,623
Well, believe it, because
I'm still in love with you.
410
00:18:22,753 --> 00:18:24,929
Here's what I wanted
to say at the market.
411
00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:26,148
What's on that paper?
412
00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:27,193
This is a poem
I wrote for you.
413
00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:28,107
Dave, don't.
414
00:18:28,237 --> 00:18:29,760
You're bad with poems.
415
00:18:29,891 --> 00:18:32,023
Jennifer Thomas, do
you remember the Cape house?
416
00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:35,157
Our bodies entwined
like cheese and mouse.
417
00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:36,071
David, stop.
418
00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:37,768
We're over.
419
00:18:37,899 --> 00:18:40,728
In the pool house where
we splashed during coitus.
420
00:18:40,858 --> 00:18:43,861
Bumping lovelies,
we came together.
421
00:18:43,992 --> 00:18:45,341
It was the moistest.
422
00:18:45,472 --> 00:18:47,865
David, look, we're done.
423
00:18:47,996 --> 00:18:51,260
I loved you, but you broke up
with me, and I've moved on.
424
00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:52,783
I'm in love with Tim now.
425
00:18:52,914 --> 00:18:56,352
I'm sorry, but we are not
getting back together.
426
00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:58,311
We should get going.
427
00:18:58,441 --> 00:18:59,747
It was nice meeting you.
428
00:18:59,877 --> 00:19:01,052
Yeah, take care.
429
00:19:01,183 --> 00:19:04,186
It was good to see you.
430
00:19:04,317 --> 00:19:05,840
Good seeing you.
431
00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:06,928
Is that the Cape house.
432
00:19:09,887 --> 00:19:11,237
No.
433
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,544
Sorry, I puked again.
434
00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:15,589
Oh!
435
00:19:24,946 --> 00:19:26,513
Jeff, thank you
for coming to my dorm
436
00:19:26,643 --> 00:19:27,731
room for this coupling session.
437
00:19:27,862 --> 00:19:29,211
Sure.
438
00:19:29,342 --> 00:19:31,431
I've never snuck into a
girls' room after hours.
439
00:19:31,561 --> 00:19:32,606
I know.
440
00:19:32,736 --> 00:19:34,390
I invited you here
because I find
441
00:19:34,521 --> 00:19:39,439
your combination of enthusiasm
and naivete very appealing.
442
00:19:39,569 --> 00:19:40,396
Thanks.
443
00:19:40,527 --> 00:19:41,310
I've prepared an agenda.
444
00:19:44,922 --> 00:19:46,446
This is very explicit.
445
00:19:46,576 --> 00:19:48,143
I mean specific.
446
00:19:48,274 --> 00:19:49,666
I mean both.
447
00:19:49,797 --> 00:19:51,886
Now, don't feel beholden
to the time estimates.
448
00:19:52,016 --> 00:19:53,627
They are merely a guide.
449
00:19:53,757 --> 00:19:54,584
Looks swell.
450
00:19:58,022 --> 00:20:02,592
All in favor of instituting
the proposed agenda say aye.
451
00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:04,507
Aye.
452
00:20:04,638 --> 00:20:06,292
All opposed say nay.
453
00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:09,773
Excellent.
454
00:20:09,904 --> 00:20:12,907
The agenda passes.
455
00:20:13,037 --> 00:20:14,343
You have a gavel?
456
00:20:14,474 --> 00:20:15,344
Who doesn't?
457
00:20:15,475 --> 00:20:16,345
Where were we?
458
00:20:19,479 --> 00:20:21,437
Item the first, music.
459
00:20:21,568 --> 00:20:23,831
Hil, if you don't want to be
physical, we don't have to be.
460
00:20:23,961 --> 00:20:26,312
This is foreplay for me, OK?
461
00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:28,749
Now, I've prepared a
selection of nine pieces
462
00:20:28,879 --> 00:20:30,359
from three genres.
463
00:20:30,490 --> 00:20:31,578
We'll have to go
through, sort out--
464
00:20:31,708 --> 00:20:33,841
You can pick.
465
00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:35,190
Oh.
466
00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:37,758
Representative government.
467
00:20:37,888 --> 00:20:38,802
Wow.
468
00:20:55,602 --> 00:20:58,344
Item two, pillows.
469
00:20:58,474 --> 00:20:59,562
Hil--
470
00:20:59,693 --> 00:21:01,390
Do we have a motion
from the floor?
471
00:21:01,521 --> 00:21:04,175
Yeah, when does the
kissing part happen?
472
00:21:04,306 --> 00:21:05,525
Oh, we can kiss now.
473
00:21:23,978 --> 00:21:25,458
That was sufficient.
474
00:21:25,588 --> 00:21:29,636
Can we move ahead to item four?
475
00:21:29,766 --> 00:21:30,593
Yes, ma'am.
476
00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:31,551
Good.
477
00:21:31,681 --> 00:21:36,207
Just-- can you just--
478
00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:40,342
just sort of-- and
down so that I'm able--
479
00:21:40,473 --> 00:21:41,300
OK, OK.
480
00:21:41,430 --> 00:21:42,692
Yep.
481
00:21:48,132 --> 00:21:51,440
You're not turgid.
482
00:21:51,571 --> 00:21:54,138
Motion to introduce an erection.
483
00:21:54,269 --> 00:21:55,488
Could you just
give me a minute.
484
00:21:55,618 --> 00:21:56,663
Oh, yes.
485
00:22:06,281 --> 00:22:07,021
Are you erect?
486
00:22:07,151 --> 00:22:08,065
No.
487
00:22:11,155 --> 00:22:11,939
Not yet.
488
00:22:12,069 --> 00:22:12,940
Not.
489
00:22:16,509 --> 00:22:17,292
Now?
490
00:22:17,423 --> 00:22:19,338
No, no.
491
00:22:19,468 --> 00:22:21,818
Maybe this is a good time
for me to consult my research
492
00:22:21,949 --> 00:22:24,865
materials until we reconvene.
493
00:22:45,973 --> 00:22:48,062
Motion to table.
33249
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