All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S01E05.Im.Blaming.It.On.Her.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Seven
minutes in heaven.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, this "7 Minutes in
Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with
Ellen DeGeneres.

Hi, Ellen.
- Hi.

How are you?
- Good.

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for having
me in your closet.

You just started
your ninth season.

I wanted to put it in
perspective 'cause I was

so surprised and impressed to
realize it was nine years, you

know, that's-- that goes much--

Surprised that it
lasted that long.

Super fast-- a little bit just
'cause some of the early ones.

Right.

But listen to
what was happening

when your show started.

OK.

"Hey Ya" was a big hit, OutKast.

OutKast.

Agassi won the Australian Open.

Nickelback turned eight.

Johnny Cash died,
probably unrelated.

Nickelback turned eight?

Yeah.

What was that song?

Oh, gosh, I mean,
where to begin?

Who
do you think you are?

Yeah, it's who do
you think you are.

That super slow--
- Yeah.

Yeah, that was a good song.

That was great song.

I have a spec
script for that sitcom

"Ellen" where your character
has to then tell everybody she

isn't gay, that it was a phase--

Right.

And she goes
back in the closet.

That would have lasted.

Did it get canceled
because she came out?

Is that the basic--
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Her-- I'm blaming it on
her because she came out.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You were fine.

I was fine.

She had to come out.

Have you ever
interviewed anyone

who you thought was, like,
super funny your whole life,

but then you get
up close to them

and their eyes are so
blue that you can't think

of anything else
because they're just

that really blue, blue eyes?

Please say which of these
adjectives applies to you--

an activist--

Accidentally.

I like that.

A silent burper.

I don't
know the last time

I burped and-- maybe as a baby.

I'm sure I did as a
baby, but I don't--

Even then you
were kind of like--

I think I was polite,
and I'd go pardon me.

That was my first word.

Coked up at all times.

Yep.

I thought so.

I was like she's energetic.

I don't believe it.

All the time I'm coked up.

So a few years ago you put
John McCain on the hot seat

and talked about your
differences of opinion

on gay marriage.

Yes.

Now you're in the hot seat.

OK.

I'd like you to respond
to the YouTube comments

under the clip of
you and McCain.

OK.

Gay marriage, who cares?

Why not worry about how Arizona
lets illegals grandmas.

That was from West Side S's.

Wow.

They do have a point.

Another one.

The bottom line is these are two
great people in modern culture,

a hero Vietnam and a
strong, smart woman

with eyes like a quiet ocean.

Mike O'Brien.

Here's-- this
is called "Closet

Theater with Ellen DeGeneres."

We're husband and wife and
we're hanging out in the closet

'cause our home is
being sprayed for bugs.

And we're both psychics
professionally,

so we're constantly
bringing our jobs home.

They got that one.

Yeah.

They got that guy good.

I-- and yes.

- You will?
- Mhm.

Oh, thank you.

Hm.

Oh my gosh, I
just saw surfing.

That's gonna be fun.

That doesn't seem like
something I would normally do.

That's not me.

No.

No, I saw it, too,
and it's not me.

- But it's not you.
- How dare you?

I'm so sorry.

And you're surfing with her?

God, that's so fun.

Oh, I knew that was coming,
and I didn't block it.

How dare--

Thank you for
coming in the closet.

Thank you.

I'd love to give you a
kiss in a way that would

be respectful to your wife.

OK.
All right.

- OK.
- Good.

Keep standing
outside the shoulders.

OK.

All right.

The second one got
disrespectful actually.

Well--

- And I am sorry about that.
- That's OK.

That's all right.
- Your eyes are very blue.

Yours are, too.

Yours are very blue.
- Thank you.

They're very pretty.

OK.
You all right?

Maybe we're related.

That'd be-- then that
was just gross then.

Oh, right.

Yes.

I need to always be
saying that's gross.

If we're related and then we--

Related, I know, yeah.

You ever feel like you have to
just memorize all these rules?

- No.
- No, me either.

- No.
- It is gross.

OK.

Sure.

Well--

Well, I feel like--

Again?

OK.

That's OK.

No, I think we got--

We covered it.

I just worry that the
cameras didn't pick it up.

Really?

For "7 Minutes in Heaven,"
this Mike O'Brien with Ellen

DeGeneres.

Thank you again.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

What's this space for?

That's for the moon dagger.

It's the rarest collectible
in the Future Space cannon.

Why is it so rare?

The silver paint they used
to coat it in was 90% lead.

Legend has that
the dagger was so

toxic that it ate
through its packaging,

destroying the other toys.

It was only on the shelves
for less than half an hour.

Wow.

I guess completing
my dagger collection

is just a crazy dream.

The hell was that?

Excuse me, is this
the front of the line?

Yeah?

Well, I think I'm
going to like it up here.

Come along, Oliver.

Who's that guy?

Oh, shit, he
speaks fluent Argon.

For those of you who do not
understand, my tongue my name

is Karo, and I regret to inform
you that I will be moving

up to the front of your line.

How you gonna do that?

With this.

The moon dagger,
the rarest of toys.

And it shall go to any man who
can best me in a Future Space

trivia challenge contest game.

Please.

It would be stupid not
to-- what the !!

Oh, yes.

A challenger.

What are you doing?

I need that moon dagger, dude.

We've been in
line for 11 days.

Trust me, no one knows more
about Future Space than I do.

Where'd you get that thing?

Oh, this was discovered by
the moon people of Helzeburn

in the seventh era.

Come on, guy, straight up.

Where'd you get that puppy?

Come on.

It was discovered
by the moon people

of Helzeburn, the seventh era.

Which toy store?

It was discovered
about the moon people--

Oh, forget it.
Fuck you--

Of Helzeburn.
This--

- Forget it.
- Seventh era.

Great.

Let's not pretend this is
our first trivia challenge.

Name your terms.

Standard.

Right.

As challenger, I
pick Argulon facts.

Oh.

WELL, very well then.

An Argulon fact.

Who is the oldest
living man in Argulon?

Please.

Please.

Rohash, the Zombie.

Rohash, the Zombie, yes, yes.

Very good.

Yes, very good.

Very good.

Although is a
zombie a living man?

I--

Don't.

She's Katie, a
lady, a lady named Katie.

Mmm, porn.

Romantic porn.

Feminist porn.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg
gets rammed in the-- oh.

No, no, no.

That's not what I meant.

People having sex
who like each other.

Porn that's not scary.

Oh, wow.

I want porn that
a mom would watch.

Mom porn.

Two girls having sex,
but one is a guy.

Here we go.

Sex with lots of kissing.

A teacher bangs student
because he read her thesis

and he respects her writing.

OK, help me out.
Ugh.

OK.

Doggy style but
with eye contact.

"The Notebook,"
explicit sex stuff.

Guy goes down on girl and
looks like he enjoys it.

Respectful gangbang.

Porn where you can actually
see the guy's face also.

Just anything
without face ...

Oh my God, no.

I said no face .

Porn with women who don't look
like they're getting drowned.

Nothing where the girl
gets stuff in her eyes.

XXX role play, OK, with
girl and her boyfriend.

He is in the army.

He's sent off to war.

She waits by the
phone every day.

While fighting for her
freedom, he is shot.

He is rushed to the medic.

The doctor says, Sergeant
Hammond, that bullet would have

killed you, but it was
stopped by the locket

with her face in it.

When he returns
home, they embrace.

He says you saved
me, and she says no.

You saved me by coming back.

He dips her, they kiss.

That is porn.

Zero search results.

OK, young James Spader.

What's up?

I missed you.

OK, I said young not old.

this.

My mother
married a Harvard man.

My grandmother
married a Harvard man.

It's senior year,
and I am not leaving

this campus without a ring.

Boy, geez, Gladys,
that's intense.

Yeah you sound like
a real first wife.

Does anyone have
a nude lipstick?

This nude is too bold.

Hilary, what are you wearing.

What?

It's attractive
without distracting

from my personality.

Hilary, it's a party.

You need to wear
something that will

make men interested in you.

Yeah.

My debate club pin.

Not your debate club pin.

My Greek Honor Society pin.

No.

My thespian society medal.

It's a pin.

Definitely no.

My Naval Society anchor pin.

A pin.

Hilary, no pins.

Men should know
that on accomplished.

They should know
that you're fun.

What is more fun than high
levels of academic achievement?

Dancing.

Flirting.

Blowjobs.

Men like smart women.

Men like witty women.

Maybe make a joke.

Joke.

What like-- like
Robert McNamara's

handling of the rising cost
of our involvement in Vietnam?

Well, the joke is that his
irresponsible expenditure

is a joke.

Maybe just try laughing.

Boys like it when they feel
like you think they're funny.

OK.

Stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop.

Don't laugh.

Never laugh.

I like to act mysterious.

Oh, I like to walk up
to a guy, whisper blowjob,

and then walk away.

Jesus, Annie.

Hillary, my signature
move is acting

aloof like I can't even believe
I'm deigning to be there.

Huh.
OK.

Right.
So great.

So maybe what I'll do is I'll
just bring my thesis there,

and I'll just be working on it.

And I'll be telling
everyone to quiet down.

Shhh quiet--

No.

Let's try non-verbal
communication.

Annie, pretend I'm a boy.

Blowjob.

You need to cool it.

Hillary, when
you're near a boy--

I'll go in
for a firm handshake

that says I'll never let you
get away with anything, mister.

She's hurting me.

Oh, OK, we have to go.

Hillary, just do your best.

I always do.

Perfect.

It's really fun.

All right.

Great.

You guys ready to do this thing?

We didn't get
scripts or anything.

Yeah, so, like, I don't know
if I'm married to one of them

or if they're like--

The way I like
to make a porno is

just guys kind of improvise
a few lines back and forth

and we get straight to the sex.

That sounds hard.

Gotta make up the lines?

Don't overthink it, you know.

Just kind of have fun with
it, just make a few choices,

say a few lines back and
forth, and then let's just

get straight to the sex, OK.

Action.

So what do you guys think?

You wanna both do me at once?

I wish I could.

I can't.

I gotta go to a huge
business meeting.

Super important.

Thanks for the reminder.

I actually have a
business meeting, too.

Mine's in a skyscraper.

Where's your?

Skyscraper.

Can I come with you guys
to the business meeting?

Can't, son.

Not old enough yet.

Gotta stay here with your mom.

Whoa, OK.

Yeah, let's cut there.

Nice.

- That was awesome.
- Really good.

That was hot, guys.

What the hell was that, guys?

Why are they leaving?

Why are they not
staying and having sex?

Well, after the
business meeting,

they would come back
here and have sex.

I did feel like my guy would
get to go to the skyscraper.

I'm sorry.

That's on-- that's on me.

Drop the skyscraper stuff.

Let's not be a
family either, OK.

What if I come in on this one?

Yeah, whatever.

As long as you come in,
talk words, have sex.

Action.

So we've got a few hours
before my husband gets

back from his business meeting.

What kind of--

kind of building is his
business meeting in?

In a skyscraper.

Move on.

Let's do it quick before
your husband catches us.

Guys, you gotta help me.

I'm a Mexican guy, and 10
racist whites are chasing me.

They're trying to hate-crime me.

I think I got a minute
though if you want to do it.

OK, cut.

That was awesome.

I think we need to explore this
choice here, show the outside,

show the racist
whites out there.

You can't be Mexican.

You're clearly a very white man.

How about we do this?

You just say whatever
you would say before you

have sex as yourselves, OK.

Action.

Are you guys super
hard right now?

No.

I did another porno this
morning, so I'm exhausted.

What about you?

You super hard?

No.

Thinking about my kids.

- You got kids?
- Yeah.

What ages?

Oh, man.

Eight and six.

Cut.
No.

You know what.
Changed my mind.

Let's not be ourselves.

Be a character, something
really far away from you.

You're in a fantasy.

You're-- just be
something that's not you.

Action.

Welcome to the castle, knight.

Do you want to take
off your armor?

Yes, my queen.

First of all, let me ask you.

What floor of this
tall castle are we on?

Oh, I don't know.

What floor are we
on, lute player?

Time out.

I can't do castle accent.

I can't do that accent.

The castle's not going
to work at all because it's

set in the modern day.

You guys have
modern costumes on.

You just pull in an iPhone--

Baz Luhrmann
bends those rules.

We're
going to do this.

You're going to say, like--

I don't know, like, eight words.

Eight words.

And then you're gonna .

Action.

You guys wanna ?

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's two more?

- Yeah.
- Skyscraper.

Skyscraper.
No.

Cut.

Goddammit!

But I'm actually
hard right now.

Yeah, that works.

That was awesome.

No.

It was not good at all.

It was horrible.

Why don't you just tell
us what you want us to say?

What do you say
before you have sex?

It's too private.

I'm not gonna say that.
- Why?

What do you say?

I don't know, OK.

I don't know what
people say before sex.

Just say one thing you
say before you have sex

and we'll use that!

I'm a virgin.

What?

You're a virgin.

You direct porns
and you're a virgin?

I'm the virgin porn
director, and this is my story.

I think
it's still our story.

We asked our customers
what they rated highest

for home entertainment, and
time and time again, they said

full movie theater quality.

But even with my HDTV and
state-of-the-art sound system,

I still feel like I'm
missing something.

So that's
why we invented

Best Buy's real cinema system.

Our real cinema system recreates
all your favorite parts

of going to the movies so you
can enjoy the best home theater

quality experience.

Ooh, girl, don't go in there.

Ooh, you gonna die.

No!

Ooh.

Dag.

Our real cinema
system comes in a multitude

of customized settings.

Comedy.

- Ahh, he's-- boy, he's dumb.
- Shh.

Look at that guy.

Drama.

If you could
just stop for one--

- Could you stop him?
- I just wanna watch the--

Don't you-- don't you
talk to me like that.

I tried to be nice about this.

I am calm!

And dad mode.

Your mother and
I had that tester.

It's good.

And for
a low flat rate,

you could add the
following features--

No, I'm not doing anything.

Phone talker.

Yeah.

Confused person.

Do we know why he shot her?

Loud laughter.

Oh my God!

And bootlegger.

Did you see that!

That was so funny.

- Can you please just-- just--
- Will you--

Can you--

I'm trying to watch a movie.

Wow.

Theatre
tested, home approved.

Get the whole system for a low,
low price only at Best Buy.

Available Black Friday.

Can we say black?

Quentin,
this script is fantastic.

We love "Pulp Fiction."

Oh my gosh, so much fun.

Lots of juicy dialogue
and angry bald men.

Really great stuff.

That's very nice to hear.

Just so you're aware, when
we received this script,

it was completely out of order.

We were confused for hours.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It starts one story,
goes back to another one,

then goes back to
the first story.

We were like what the
is happening?

This is horrible.

Argh!

We were running all
over the office.

How do you put
it back together.

It really took a long time.

So just make sure whoever
was responsible for that

is now fired.
- Right.

Make sure they never
work again please.

Thanks.

Oh, actually that
was the intention.

No need to apologize.

We're all friends here.
Right?

So just relax.

We got it back in
the correct order,

you know-- beginning,
middle, end, the way

that every good story has
been told since the Bible.

One thing we really
loved about your script is

the dialogue.

Your writing style is
very kooky and wacky.

We get that.

The problem I see is that
you're giving the wrong lines

to the wrong characters.

I'm not sure I see
what you mean by that.

Your writing style is
very kooky and wacky,

and you need to fix that.

In one
of the first scenes,

you got these two hitmen,
Vincent and Jules.

Not my favorite names but, hey,
you're the artist, right, pal?

And they're driving along
talking about some pretty cool

stuff, McDonald's hamburgers.

But they're on their
way to kill people.

So don't have them talking
about hamburgers, right.

Hamburgers are a greasy
meal for a child.

Criminals should be
talking about criminal stuff

like shooting a
stray dog or, like,

ramming their car into a school
bus full of children, you know.

That way we know
they're bad guys.

OK, well, the point is to
show that even though they're

bad guys, they're still
just talking about things

the way people
talk about things.

We all want hamburgers.

So fine.

Write a movie about hamburgers
but don't write a movie

with hamburgers about murder.

I like that.

Have them going
to a cookout, then

it would make sense for them to
be talking about grilled meat.

All right.

So things move along
fairly well, not great

but fine enough
until about page--

there it is--

98 where we are
introduced to a sex slave

in leather bondage gear who
stands guard as two men

two other men.

So why'd you put this
in the movie, Quentin?

OK.

Well, it's meant
to be jarring.

OK, got that right.

Drug use.

Scary curse words.

Guns, getting shot.

People's heads
getting blown off.

Watches being shoved up
the asses of US veterans.

Gimp standing guard as
two men rape two other men.

Right.

All of these things
are going to deter

our audiences from watching
your great, great work, Quentin.

That is my work, all right.

You know what.

Let's make a compromise, OK.

Let's just rethink
the whole movie.

It might help if we
just start from scratch.

Give me the logline here.

Quentin, what is
"Pulp Fiction" about.

It's not a traditional
plot first of all.

It's interweaving stories that
come together out of order--

Shh.

Yep, yep, yep, yep.

OK, that won't work.

I mean, what is this a book?

Yeah, I wanna stop watching
this book now, please.

Let's make this very simple.

Quentin, what is the
genre of "Pulp Fiction"?

Well, that's one of the
great things about it.

It's not a single genre.

It's an homage to
several genres.

That is the worst
answer I've ever

heard to the genre question.

Such a bad answer.

OK, who is "Pulp
Fiction" about?

It's not about one person.

There's many characters
in it, many--

Wrong.

A movie is about one character.

Pick one.

Marcellus, Butch, Vincent.
Who's it about?

Don't be stupid.

Just pick a character and
write a movie about them.

They're all made up.

Just spit one of your
fictional characters out.

Just pick a character.
It doesn't matter which one.

Who cares?

Yeah, can't you
just pick a character?

I mean, it's not hard.

How about Honey Bunny?

She's a good character.

Write a movie about her.
- Yeah, perfect.

That's perfect.

"Honey Bunny's Funny Sunday."

That is a much better
title than "Pulp Fiction."

Yeah, at least we
know what's happening.

OK.

Thanks for your time
but I don't think you

guys are really on
the same page as I

am with what I want
this script to be,

so I'm gonna take it elsewhere.

Quentin, you're
only hurting yourself.

No one's gonna like all
this crap in one movie.

You forgot to even say
what was in the briefcase,

you big dope Come on.
- Aaah.

What about the ?

Aw, man.

Hey, Allison,
how's the production

going on "Turds from Space"?