All language subtitles for Above.Average.Presents.S01E01.Thats.Not.a.Thing.They.Just.Dont.Like.Cilantro.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

Hi, this is "7 Minutes In
Heaven" with Mike O'Brien.

I'm here today with the star
of "Hall Pass" and "Saturday

Night Live," Jason Sudeikis.
Hi, Jason.

Hello.

Also my office may at
"Saturday Night Live."

This is true.

So I'm going to
go right off the bat

and ask you that question.

I feel like you play a
lot of, on "SNL" a lot

of game show hosts,
a lot of dads.

Yeah.

- And a lot coaches.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

If you can say this
line like a dad, and then

a game show host. and then--

- Three different reads.
- Coach.

Yeah.
- OK.

So first is dad.
- Sure.

OK.

For $100, why are my
balls so mad at my butt?

- Great.
- All right.

That's dad.
- That's good.

- Yeah.
- That's dad.

- That's liked thoughtful dad.
- Yeah.

That's like a dad who--

But he wants an answer.

who talks to his
kids like they're humans,

not like he made them.

Right.

- And what's next.
- Coach.

OK.

Let's see.

The coach goes southern.
- Yeah.

- Immediately.
- You need it.

You got to go like "Friday
Night Lights" with it.

Yeah.

Uh, and I may have to
throw an expletive in there.

- Yeah.
- All right.

Just maybe at the
beginning there.

God damn it!

For $100, why are my
balls so mad at my butt!

Felt a little bit like
Bobby Knight there.

- Yeah.
- A little bit.

I'm sick and
tired of having a--

Yeah.

9 and 8 record.

That was halftime.

I'm sick and tired
of losing to Purdue.

Why are my balls
so mad at my butt?

And then the game show hosts.

Game show hosts.

- Tailor-made for game show.
- Yeah, it is.

All right.

For $100, why are my
balls so mad at my butt?

Marry, ,, kill,
Hitler, bin Laden, Fritzl.

Is Fritzl the guy
that kept the person--

Yeah, his daughter
in the basement.

OK.

I guess I would kill--

I'd kill Fritzl.

Yeah,

Right?

I'd probably marry bin
Laden and then just make,

like, his life a living hell.

Be like a real nagging
kind of husband.

Yeah.

Just plus the shame of
a gay marriage for him

is going to be rough.

That'll be nice to sort
of rub his face in it.

Then obviously that
means I would--

Have sex with Hitler.

Well, I'd to death.

But this is a very
specific situation.

I've never had sex with a man
much less, like, an evil--

Evil little German dude.

Yeah.

We were talking
the other night

about one-second impressions.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

It was an idea Jason had
that I think it's very funny.

You kind of can't go wrong with
them because they're so short.

- Right.
- Your uncle is George Wendt.

Can you do one-second George
Wendt or Norm, if you want,

from "Cheers"?
- Yeah.

Yeah.
Let's see.

It would go, OK, so the whole
idea of one-second impression

is to not judge.
You just got--

- You got--
- All right.

almost no time.

Yep.

Great.

That's it.

Well, I've had a good time
sharing an office with you.

Oh, that's nice.
Yeah.

You should have
opened with that.

I mean, I assume you did.

It's because you
asked me to be here.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.

It didn't seem there was
any "ayenda" behind this.

No.
There's not.

You keep moving your
mouth a little bit.

I do a little bit.

That's OK.

Well, because I want it to be
honest but, like, you're also--

I guess its eyes open, so
it's never going to be too--

It's--

Too--

It's OK if it's eyes open.

Is that you're?

I don't know.

I don't know what's OK.

I don't judge this stuff.

OK.

I would go and hug first.

- Oh, yeah.
- You know?

Yeah.

- Like something like that.
- Yeah.

Like that.
And then kind of like--

- And see if--
- Yeah.

Like that.

Oh, shh-- hey, good morning.

Good morning.

So, what happened last night?

Your friend Rick took my
friend home and then we--

mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Just I'm upset with
myself as well.

About what?

Uh, nothing specific.

It seems specific.

Actually, this always happens.

What always happens?

Rick always gets the girl.

Uh, I'm a girl
that's how we did it.

I know.

But it's just that
there is the girl

and then there is the grenade.

What's a grenade?

A grenade is something,
you know, you just--

You hug it?

You hug it and love it?

No.

You cover it up so your
friends don't get hit.

Phew.

OK.

So the uglier friend?

Didn't say uglier.
Didn't say that.

- You said it.
- I didn't say that.

You pretty much said it.

It doesn't have
to be a bad grenade.

It could be a good grenade.

Oh, a good grenade?

Yes, a good grenade.

Like a grenade that blows
up and turns into money.

Or has like a
nice personality,

or takes in a lot of
stray cats or something.

All right.

I mean, honestly,
I don't blame you.

Good.

I understand.

I've slept with a grenade.

Oh, that sucks.

When did that happen?

Real recently.

Oh, that sucks.

Bet you're pretty glad
I came along, huh?

Change of pace?

Are you saying-- you're trying
to say that I'm the grenade?

Yeah, I know you
are the grenade.

No.

Abs-- that-- no.

No.

I'm-- no.

I mean between the two
of us, I have, you know,

a fine face and large breasts.

And you look like you
have a thyroid problem.

No I don't.

Yeah.

This is like very
inconsistent here.

It's patchy.

It's coming in.

You look British but you don't
even have the accent, you know.

I can do the accent.

Don't do the accent.

Doing the accent now.

No, you did it
enough last night.

You're the grenade.

Oh!

What are you doing?

Look, I'm pretty sure
that if I was a grenade

you wouldn't be dying to
have this sweet morning boner

about to happen right now.

You're right.

Whoa, are you going right now?

I'm going to leave.

See you grenade.

It was nice.
- OK.

Wait.

I feel like we're still
caught up on this.

I'm not the grenade.

All right.

Well, I'll see you grenade.

Don't call me that
because it's not true.

I really like your apartment.

I must've been a great
upgrade from a soldier's belt.

No, I-- if you're implying
that I'm a grenade, I'm not.

You going to get
mad and blow up?

What?

Like a grenade.

No!

I'm not one!

Do you take
vacations in Grenada?

Never been.

Stop!

Stop tricking me.

Just do me a favor and
say hi to Rick for me.

You're the grenade!

I'm not the grenade!

Be careful around yourself
because you're a grenade.

I'm not a grenade.

Uh, it means we make sound.

People think of neighborly
noise as a nuisance

but we think of
it as an art form.

We want those sounds to
be different but completely

unrecognizable.

It just sounds
like bowling balls.

That can't be what it is, but
that's what it sounds like.

Sounds like bowling balls.

Is it a bowling ball?

Is it a metal barrel?

You never know because
sometimes we get metal barrels.

You knew we
were twisted though.

Julia is a fountain
of creativity.

Oh.

She's a genius.

Oh!

She is so creative.

Oh.

Their ceiling is our
stage and dancing across it.

Yes.

It is work.

We often take shifts
to create the illusion

that nobody here sleeps.

Mm-hmm.

I just want them to
stop and I want to know

what the hell they're doing.

Oh, oh, I love to feel
your body all round me!

Oh, god!

Oh.

See she thinks that we're
having sex but things aren't

always what they appear to be.

Oh, yeah.

When we do have sex it's
actually very quiet.

It sounds like a baby
the size of a giant

is learning how to walk.

A floor is but a movie screen
to project the mind's eye.

And all of that hard
work really pays off

when we get to meet our fans.

There's a lot of
noise going on up here.

Kind of sounds like--
- Sounds tough.

Yeah.
Thank you so much.

Yep.
Be well.

Thank you.

You know, some
people might say what

we do is passive-aggressive.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hello, idiots!

Welcome to "The Idiot's
Guide to Smart People."

Today's topic is money.

Money, money, money-- you
love it and smart people

love taking it from you.

So, idiot, listen up
if you want to stop

getting ripped off as much.

First, an extremely
dumbed-down history of money.

For most of history,
idiots actually

dominated smart people.

Then smart people
convinced idiots

that the most valuable thing in
the world was a piece of metal

with a tiny face on it.

And today, smart
people who acquire

the most pieces of paper
with tiny faces on them

own the entire planet.

Well, smart people have
many sources of wealth.

Their favorite is renewable
and highly abundant--

idiots like you, which brings us
to ways that smart people take

your money.

First up, banks.

Banks are huge
predatory corporations

run by small predatory
smart people.

These smart people
take idiots' money

to pay themselves to
come up with new ways

to trick idiots into giving
them even more money.

Then they give part of
that money to politicians

so when smart bankers
lose your money,

the government will give
them even more of your money

so the banks can keep
on taking your money.

Idiots!

Let's just move
on to advertising.

For a consumer
economy to function,

it's important that
idiots keep buying shit.

So corporations hire smart
advertisers to manipulate

your strongest idiot
emotions-- fear

and horniness-- to make sure
you buy that corporation's

specific shit.

And all this idiot
manipulation leads

to lifelong idiot loyalty.

So smart people can't
keep taking your money

from birth hole to grave hole.

Of course, advertisers
also prey on smart people.

But in the monetary food chain,
idiots are still at the bottom

thanks to the lottery.

Lotteries are government run
casinos based in gas stations.

These state-sponsored
scams exploit

idiots' poor understanding
of probability

to inadequately fund public
schools, which is why idiots

have such a poor
understanding of probability

in the first place.

A complete shit circle.

If all of this makes you
feel like over throwing

our money-based
economic system, just

remember that a bunch of
people already tried that

and it didn't go
very well at all.

So, in summary, you
are probably better

off not knowing any of this.

Whoops!

So your full name is
Aubrey Drake Graham,

but we all know you as Drake.

Right.

I'm just wondering
if you maybe

want to choose a name that's a
little more like hip-hop, rap?

You know, like-- like Graham
Cracka, you know, maybe?

That's probably a bad idea.

My name's Janessa Slater
and I'm a media coach

who's helped hundreds of bands.

This is "Sound advice."

What about Drake
Time, like break time?

You know, like, you all
know what time it is?

It's Drake Time, so everybody
get ready to Drake dance

to this Drake beat.

Money,
money, diamond rings.

Drake Time.

See in the neighborhood.

Like I'm going to
go in front of 17,000

people at, like, Barclays Center
and be like, it's Drake Time?

Say it-- can you
say it how I said it?

It's Drake Time, everybody
Drake dance, money--

Money, money.

Am I like pointing at
people and calling them money?

There would be piles of money.

So I'm wondering, have
you ever considered Jdate?

Probably not a
good idea for me.

I'm more of like
a private person.

And I don't really have,
like, trouble with dates.

Because my cousin Amy
met her husband on Jdate.

Oh.

And I could call her and
get some good tips for you

on, like, setting up
a great profile page.

You know, because you don't want
people to just see the photo,

you know, and go, oh look--

hot, Black, Jewish guy.

But, you know, is he stable?

Does he make a good living?

Would he be a good father?

You know, you don't--

Is this like your
version of like

some 60-year-old
like Jewish lady,

like, perusing through my page?

Well, it's probably--
she's probably like 32-ish,

but her mom might be 60.

So I see that you've
made a lot of mix tapes.

Yes.

Is that a popular
trend in hip-hop?

Yeah, for the most part.

I mean, I think--

Can you hold on for a second?

It's-- hello?

It's 1994 calling.

They want their technology back.

Huh.

Oh, I get it.

No, no, no.

Actually, I have to take this.

Yeah.

Um, I think like TLC probably.

Totally.

Totally.

Flare-legged pants.

Right, that's what
we should all wear.

Definitely.
- I get the--

I get the jokes.

I know I seriously
can't believe that

about Milli Vanilli either.

So in your song, "Started
From The Bottom," you say,

"started from the bottom
now my whole team here."

Did you really bring
your whole team?

For the most part.

I mean--

You just don't want
those people to hear,

oh the whole team's there.

I better get over there.

Let me put on my best vest
and, you know, grab some,

you know, I don't
know, chips and dip.

And head over to Drake's
place and just join the team.

It takes a bit more than just,
like, like a bag of Ruffles

and like some dip to sort
of get, like, into my life.

Well, you and I have
very different lives then.

Look, I know you're on the rise.

You're going to wake
up one day maybe

and you're going to be this
big star with like a million

Twitter followers, you know.

I have like 14 million, so I
don't know if I'm that far off.

OK.

You have 14 million
Twitter followers.

Yeah.

And you made up YOLO, right?

OK.

Well, what does it stand for?

You our lying always?

That doesn't even make
any sense, because neither

of those words start with O.

I'm actually pronouncing
it a different way.

Yeah, but it does it's still--

they still start with
a different letter

so that changes everything.

Sorry.

I forgot I was in an
English lesson right now,

Principal, you know, Jeffries.

Who is Principal Jeffries?

I don't know it's like
a principal who's very

strict and weird about words.

This is like you're
talking about a guy

that literally does not exist.

You're talking about,
like, his curriculum--

Oh, a guy that doesn't exist.

Like the one that created YOLO?

This has been exhausting.

Peace, you know.

- Greg?
- Yes.

Amanda?
- Yes.

Hi.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Hi I'm Greg.

And I'm Amanda.

And
this is the commentary

track for our first date.

And our last date.

Yeah.

I just want to sarcastically
thank my co-worker Caroline

for setting us up.

Yeah.

Thanks, Caroline.

Oh, hold on.
Hold on.

I love this line.

No,
I hate this drink order.

Please don't play it.

Can I get you started
with something to drink?

Two Coors Light and make
sure those mountains are blue.

That is
how you order for a lady.

No, he hates it.

I definitely hate it.

Well, he hates
it because he's a beta bitch

and I'm an alpha male.

I'm fast forwarding,

this is just the boring stuff.

Oh,
where are you from?

Uh,
did you go to college?

Yeah,
what's your blood type?

I think you actually asked that.
Wait.

Wait.

Hold on.

Hold on.
Right there.

That face.

Sincere listening or did I fart?

I don't know, you be the judge.
OK.

I totally knew.
Really?

Yeah, absolutely.

Look, I'm farting too.

Watch my hands-- there we are.

Oh, my god.
I had no idea.

Well, girls use guys'

farts to mask their own farts.

Brilliant.
All right.

Let's keep going.

Ooh, soup dumpling time.

My favorite part of the date.

My least
favorite part of the date.

You chew with your mouth
open like a bridge troll.

Like a bridge troll?

What is even?
No, it's not even--

Look at that.

Look,
it's a little bit of food.

OK, then you said this.

Wow.

OK.

Now I'm thinking, can I
drown myself in this water?

What?

I was opening up to you.

I was getting vulnerable.

What's happening here?

Nothing.
We had nothing to talk about.

Oh, yeah.

I was thinking about
"Game of Thrones."

What?

I was thinking about
"Game of Thrones."

Well, we
should have talked about it.

What are you up to?
Book five.

No, I mean the TV show.

They made a TV show?

Oh, you're the worst.

No,
this is the worst.

So does your mom
have any hobbies?

Hey, yo!

The lamest question I've
ever been asked on a date.

Yeah, I know.

It's sucked.

That's actually why I got
up and went to the bathroom.

That's
pretty smart actually.

It gave me time to
text other girls.

Yeah, well I was trying

to find a way to
leave but then I

remembered I brought a jacket.
Ah-ha.

Oh.
Whoa.

Play this.
Yeah.

Check time.
Oh, yeah.

And the age-old dance
of who's going to pay.

It's so awkward.

Yeah, especially when

the date has been a disaster.

Oh, how much is it
even though I have

no intention of paying for it?

Oh, no, babe.

I got it.

Watch me through on my card
and now I'm going to get poopy.

Are you sure?

Because I'm pretending to
grab for my wallet in here.

Thinking about sex.

Thinking about sex.

Are you sure you

just don't want to split it?

There's absolutely no
way that you'll say--

Sure.

And there's
your modern male, ladies.

Uh, yeah.

And he only tips 12%.

The waiter is here?

Yeah.
We're dating.

Sorry.

Great.

I was thinking
that maybe tonight

we could finally hold hands.

Quiet.

Where is our food?

I'm sure it's coming.

This is because I
asked to move tables.

They don't care about that.

They moved tables.

Yeah, drop them down.

Yeah.

Chef, table 3 wants their
steak cooked well-done?

Oh, the bad way.

Good.

Yeah, move single
blond up to their spot.

She at least
politely smiled when

Mark read her the specials.

Thank you.

Table 2 asked me what my
favorite thing on the menu is.

Right.

You're not their mother, OK,
they can pick their own food.

Drop them down two and
make sure that the AC

is blasting only at them.

Remember everybody, being a
chef is not about making food.

It's about distributing
punishments

and rewards based on the
behavior of the customer.

Thank you.

Chef, table 9 just
raised their finger

and cleared their throat
to get my attention.

Huh.

How very shitty of them.

What should I do, master?

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

Water all their drinks down
and send the appetizers out

after the entrees.

Why would people
act like this?

Don't they know we hate it?

Chef, table 11 just said that
they're allergic to cilantro.

It's not a thing.

They just don't like cilantro.

Take it down.

Take them down!

We have to start all over again!

I'm not sure if you heard me
earlier about holding hands,

but--

I heard you.

Yeah, I'm just not interested.

OK.

We're going to drop
down sauce-on-the-side.

Keep them above
eight-way-credit-card-split

though.

We will also be dropping
keeps-asking-if-it's-happy-hour.

Keeping that above
separate takeout

for every part of the order.

And these two I do
not know what to do.

They are equally shitty.

Computer!

Need a computer!

Thank you.

We keep track of
everything and feed it

into this secret reverse Yelp
that restaurants use to figure

out how we treat each customer.

There it is.

Move table 6 up.

They have a much better record.

This is what cooking
is all about--

judging customers based
on petty bullshit.

OK?

Let's get to our station!

Thank you, Chef.

Oh, thank you, Chef.

Sorry I picked this place.

Turned out to be a dud.

You won't hold it
against me though, right?

Man!

First one here.

Nice.

Hey!

Hey, no.

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, hey, man, I'm Josh.

You must be the manager.
- I don't care.

This movie doesn't open
up for a week and a half.

11 days.

That's longer than
a week and a half.

Gosh, I remember a time when
people first started lining up

for movies on Friday morning.

And I said, hey, that's fine,
you know, that's no problem.

They're not hurting anybody.

You know, it's
good for business.

The line, you know,
it piques interest.

What's going on?
Who's that?

What's this about?

Well, years passed.

And now every summer
another batch of you crazies

gets dropped on my doorstep like
some sort of horrible curse,

like an ugly baby at
a doorstep that no one

wants to take care of.

It makes me sick to my stomach.

Hey, I just want
to introduce myself.

I'm Duffy.
- Shut up!

OK.

Hey, man.

Hey, dude.

What's up, buddy?

Oh, sorry I'm late.

Hey, no problem.

I just meant management.

Really nice, right?

Really nice.

Super nice guy.

Way better than last time.

Oh, totally.

No shoving.

No physical contact.

No.

Do you realize how long
it's been since we did this?

Not since high school.
And since the last movie.

- The last movie.
- Yeah.

Right.
Right.

Man, we were such
nerds back then, dude.

- Oh, my god.
- Remember?

What did we do?

We did the-- we made those hats?

We made those
"Future Space" hats.

Real dorky.
You remember that?

So dumb.

- You brought them, right?
- I got them.

Yeah, they're right here.
- Cool, man.

- Bing.
- Sweet.

Bam.

"Futures Space"!

"Future Space."

We're going to go
see "Future Space."

Jealous?

11 days of glorious, glorious
"Future Space" anticipation.

What the hell is that?

Did I just blink?

Are they getting close?

They're dressed like the
telepathic triplets of Zybar.

What the hell?

So are you guys?

We are the
triplets of Zybar.

We share one mind, one
voice, and one mission--

to be first in line--

- For this movie.
- Come on, Lance.

Oh, god.

First one yet.

I didn't know.